Voicelessness and Emotional Survival--Narcissistic Parents: Voice Wars

of course, makes the rebellious children of narcissistic parents even more likely to act out. They know that they are not being heard, and as a result they see their world as grossly unfair. Sadly, they are right.

Over time, voice wars may escalate. Some children begin to bully classmates: they are not heard at home so they overcompensate on the playground. Others, particularly girls, actively shut their parents out and preoccupy themselves with the only part of the world in which they have a say: their own bodies. What to eat and what not to eat is the only agency available to them. Teenage eating disorders and the absence of "voice" often go hand in hand.

Often, the children of narcissistic parents learn that their only option in searching for "voice" is to engage in self-destructive behavior, be it anorexia/bulimia, antisocial activity, drugs, or even suicide. Ironically, in hurting themselves, they sometimes momentarily shatter their narcissistic parents' self-deception. "We didn't know they were in such pain. Why didn't they tell us?" But it doesn't last.

The aggressive use of "voice", continues into adulthood and seriously interferes with adult relationships. Often, years of therapy are required for the person to feel okay enough about themselves, to be able to care in an intimate and empathic way for another person. Patients who have gone through this process are often dismayed to look at the "kind" of person they were. But they are thrilled to finally develop genuine, caring relationships--especially with their spouses/partners and children.