Author Topic: Boat's Cargo  (Read 31092 times)

Garbanzo

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Add Ons
« Reply #30 on: November 26, 2011, 02:35:28 AM »
So some day if I can manage it, I just say to her: you know what since we don't get along lets only talk to each other one week out of the year how does that sound to you? She would probably agree to it and that would make me feel sad at least for a while...how sick is it that I would feel sad? Right? It's messed up. But despite it and plenty else being messed up in my life I would like to do some home improvements where I add rooms onto my life. Even if some rooms are burnt and charred and over-run with termites and maybe some rooms really can not be repaired but I CAN ADD rooms right, I hope.

It's only the smallest things I can manage to do right now, the tiniest things but when I do something positive or constructive in my life I do try to give myself a little credit for it. I would like to be in the position to do A LOT, A WHOLE bunch of ADD-ONS the things that somehow compensate for the other stuff that sucks. The things that make it so the flaws are not all there is. Right now I feel like a lot is wrong!!!!! Like there are more flaws then good stuff. So that is a source of remorse or irritation for me is that I'm not adding on enough of the good stuffs BUT that is something that I do feel I can hope and pray on and dream for.

I don't really even have the ability to like envision a great or better future anymore, I guess I have lost the ability to believe that things will get better. BUT for whatever reason I can emotionally feel the concept of add-ons. "Home-improvements" that might be the smallest things like putting a pot of orange pansies in the yard that also has a giant metaphorical "septic tank" laying in it.



« Last Edit: November 26, 2011, 02:59:40 AM by Boat that Rocks »

Garbanzo

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Re: Boat's Cargo
« Reply #31 on: November 26, 2011, 02:40:03 AM »
The above doesn't sound like it makes sense. I think of a house as a metaphor for my life's events and parts of ME. Because my relatives are literally a part of me regardless of if I like it or not or if I go no-contact...it has shaped me. And the shape that I am in feels very flawed. The house that I am, right now may look like there are 98 gophers digging under the lawn. Snakes in the mailbox. That is all the crazy bad stuff that is already there...BUT I can ADD....ADD. if I am very lucky I can ALWAYS ADD. The reason why I believe I can do this is because there are so many small ways to do it. Isn't that an amazing idea? And getting a haircut is like taking off one old mossy shingle and nailing on a single new one. Little things....it's all I can do right now :)


I have a lot of valid fears going on and they are to some degree interferring with the "add-ons" that somehow help give me self esteem. Breathe.

Fear, fear, fear fear is there

And Grief is there

And Anger....Frustration

And I'm getting tired of these being the predominant emotional undercurrents I KNOW that it doesn't have to be that way. That the emotional undercurrents could be a different set of....excitement and joy and fulfillment. WOW how crazy is that fulfillment....That is maybe even better then content. Content is being happy with the way it is....fulfillment is when the "way it is" is great!
« Last Edit: November 26, 2011, 02:56:09 AM by Boat that Rocks »

Garbanzo

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Re: Boat's Cargo
« Reply #32 on: November 26, 2011, 03:08:32 AM »
Think there have been times when I have tried to tear the whole house down remove the debris and build a new house. But this has been a flawed and unrealistic approach, I know that now. So I guess there does have to be some acceptance that I have to work with the house that I have. And going no-contact is like quaranteening a section of a house or even cementing walls into doorways...but on some level it is still part of the house it seems because we humans have these crazy-strong emotional memories and ties that are beyond our ability to completely control or just discard or shut of...that is why they get suppressed and become untapped and untouched but it's still there.

So the house stands with all it's various rooms BUT the GOOD news is some of the rooms are really beautiful, and some of the rooms maybe are fun to play in. And maybe when there is a flood in 75 percent of the house...maybe there is a new door somewhere else.

I really hope so.

« Last Edit: November 26, 2011, 03:12:15 AM by Boat that Rocks »

Garbanzo

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Re: Boat's Cargo
« Reply #33 on: November 26, 2011, 04:41:59 AM »
Purging. Maybe it's only a minor irritation but I want to write about it anyways. It's like shining the mirror.

The housing director that I periodically meet with in someways likes to think of herself as a counselor of sorts. Who knows why maybe it makes her powerful or maybe she just pictures herself helping people I don't know. Often she asks questions that are not dirrectly related to being housed or makes comments that are really not directly related towards being housed. I don't think that what she is doing is intentional but I do find there are some parts of her conversation style that bug me a little. I don't know why she brings certain things up. The last time I met with her she brought up that I do not have children as if this is some kind of big bonus thing for me. I just smile and shake my head yes and I say "You are right, I'm lucky that I don't have children" And then I make a relieved expression like that would just be a horrible thing. She is a mother though.

It's not that I want to have children because I do not. It's just that I don't quite like her talking to me like this partly because the reason I don't have children has a lot to do with responsibility. Plus I don't think that being void of a family and loved ones is really something to rejoice about in life.

Garbanzo

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Re: Boat's Cargo
« Reply #34 on: November 26, 2011, 04:51:58 AM »
The other part is that in saying "at least you don't have children"...I feel like all I can do is agree with her. To me there is a dismissive quality about her comments that almost make me think she doesn't realize that (we the lowlys) have internal environments and thoughts of our own. In fact I know some women would be really really upset at a comment like this.

I know it sounds harmless but it annoys me. I suppose in a little way it reminds me of voicelessness a bit. It's not a huge thing. I sort of feel like there are a lot of things that I don't have and it doesn't help me to have her point that out.

In my mind (I have never been LUCKY enough to be in a position to consider having children)...even if in reality maybe it does suck.
The point for me is that I have never been able to make a decision about it like some people do. The only decision I have made is not to go out and screw every single guy in a bar just to get pregnant with a meal-ticket wellfare baby---YEAH I made the decision not to do that.  

The voicelessness part of it I'm not fully putting my finger on.....I think it comes back to some general sense that (we lowlys are to accept that we can not expect very much out of life and that we would be out of line to do so).

I told the director that in the past I paid $75 an hour for a counselor. She looked surprised as if I always have been and always will be destitute. Seriously how did I get here and who are these people? Maybe I WILL always be destitute from now on but that is not really their decision to make about me  nor should they be fortune telling that to me.

I'm also getting sick of the authoritarian thing.....If she was someone else who didn't control my shelter...I probably would tell her that she doesn't know how people feel about having children so she should be more careful about those comments.

She has also compared me to herself.....BUT she has NEVER been in my position. It's rather absurd.
« Last Edit: November 26, 2011, 05:28:56 AM by Boat that Rocks »

Garbanzo

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Re: Boat's Cargo
« Reply #35 on: November 26, 2011, 05:07:25 AM »
I believe that people who meet with the housing director are in a bit of a vulnerable situation and almost have to be somewhat submissive or risk losing shelter. So of course one is more likely to just shut it and agree to whatever she says. That in itself sort of sets up a bit of Voicelessness.

I have been rather communicative about what I see and hear in the building. Not to rat people out but mainly to try to get her to understand. I told her that one of the residents started carrying around a knife when ever she leaves her room due to the schizo person. WHEN I said this the director immediately and quickly looked at my mid section as if to see if she could x-ray vision into my pockets if I WAS carring a knife.

Since I wasn't packing a knife I felt slightly indignant! And it feels bad to constantly be untrusted but for no specific reason. It feels BAD because it's as if she is mirroring someone back to me that I am not.

But hey I do shower with a wooden rolling pin because it's a little less weapon like. Yeah I know it's weird right?

She also is often trying to talk about things that we have in common as if it is an attempt to build repoire but she clearly does not trust me nor really care too much. It just feel like bullshit.  

Well I'm glad I clarified that for myself I have been taking it too earnestly when really it's absurd BS.
« Last Edit: November 26, 2011, 05:12:38 AM by Boat that Rocks »

Garbanzo

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Brooding Winter Darkness and walking in the rain
« Reply #36 on: November 26, 2011, 11:12:53 PM »
Not feeling good in my tummy right now. Earlier this night I went for a walk to get some groceries. It was quite lovely outside and Bam right after Thanksgiving the Holiday lights are up in people's yards and Bang- right there in the grocery store are pointsettia plants. I LOVE holiday decor. I could live without the actual Holiday itself but when I walk by the Chirstmas tree lots I love the smell and I feel like I could stage dive right into them..as I watch the little kids run around the trunks of the trees. I think I WANT TO DO THAT. I want to run around the christmas trees. I didn't do it.

It is a little hard though right after enduring Thanksgiving then all the Christmas stuff immediately comes out and I think "Oh right, now I have to get through the next month as well".

This writing and brooding I'm doing is pooping me out. I feel sort of exhausted but that is typical when I start to write a lot on here.
  

Garbanzo

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Okay to play?
« Reply #37 on: November 27, 2011, 05:13:13 PM »
From Flirting thread: the concept of "fear of rejection comes up" and what I think I am noticing for myself is yes I might have some of that but in addition to that I think the "Is it okay to play" thing is mainly going on. I have also experienced rejection and it really didn't bother me that much. I feel more like there is a "fear of attack or hostility" maybe this isn't the same as fear of rejection because in reality rejection is not the same as being attacked.

I really wonder if fear of rejection and fear of attack are not too separate things. I guess I am just clarifying something confusing for myself that I never took the time to look at before because I have always maybe been a little embarrassed of my shyness.

When people are shy then on top of that the Shyness is pointed out to them as a problem and as an insecurity which makes it hard to bring it up at all.

Somehow in situations where there is really not an issue of fear of rejection I still feel like it is not okay to play.

Garbanzo

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Today
« Reply #38 on: November 27, 2011, 05:19:57 PM »
Today I'm feeling a little yucky, it is that time of the month. Also noticing that I have become more withdrawn with all that is going on. Spending too much time sitting in bed for so many reasons, the main one being is I'm procrastinating getting a start on my days now because I don't want to leave my room to take a shower or make breakfast because I'm now always waiting for the "crazy coast to clear".

Usually how I deal with this is to just wait it out.
I don't feel good! I'm cranky. I want a hug!!! I want Thanksgiving to GO AWAY!
Today there is also a SECOND repeat after-Thanksgiving THANKSGIVING here where I live so people are all talking about that now. Someone asked me if I was going and I said "No, I see no need to prolong the agony" I feel sort of lame for being that way because the woman who asked is really quite nice..but I'm grumpy!!!!!

I'm tired of BEING HERE!!! I'm really irritable and tired of KEEPING IT TOGETHER.
I DONT WANT TO BE HERE ANYMORE!!!!!--there I said it. I have been ghosting out and slipping along in a daze just to cope with it but I really want to be somewhere better. I wanna find my home!   Going to go for a walk in a while :)
« Last Edit: November 27, 2011, 05:41:03 PM by Boat that Rocks »

Garbanzo

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Re: Boat's Cargo
« Reply #39 on: November 27, 2011, 11:24:18 PM »
Walking, went to get some decaf coffee and CHOCOLATE covered TOFFEE, went by the Christmas tree stand, saw a car with Christmas lights on the roof driving down the road, walked by a church with amberish colored painted stained glass windows and thought that maybe I would try going there next weekend or at least maybe just for X-mas. Thought about confession.

Never really believed in the idea of confession but an old Irish-Catholic roommate told me that he always felt better as if a "burden was lifted from his shoulders"...It could be that it's because he was raised in a traditional Irish Catholic family that it works for him. I wonder if I am allowed to go to church only for the reason of having the feeling of the "burden being lifted"  :?

I guess close to December is the time of year those who are not religious start to question their faith.

« Last Edit: November 27, 2011, 11:28:02 PM by Boat that Rocks »

Garbanzo

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I don't know what the subject is yet
« Reply #40 on: November 28, 2011, 07:10:00 PM »
Coming to the board and figuring and reading and writing stuff down and swapping stories, mostly what is occuring here on the board is rather like what happens at an AA meeting I think, it's basically a community of broken people. I write this I guess because I'm tired of feeling broken and tired of feeling like I need a crutch of some sort. But what, so...one is supposed to just absolutely accept their broken-ness or something. It's feels like such a distasteful concept to me it is basically accepting that it will never get better. I guess right now I feel like things are not getting better and mostly the truth is probably things havent been very great for years. Sorry but I'm just feeling rather stuck and powerless right now. I need for things to change.

So I Read this list of emotions associated with grief that was given out in my group therapy.

Lets see: Despair, Confusion, Bitterness, Shame, Anxiety, Fear, Anger, Yearning, Detachment, Guilt, Hopelessness, Helplessness, Loneliness, Numbness, Loss, Sadness, Shocked, Overwhelmed, Preoccupation, Vulnerability.

Oh yeah also the infamous word "Depression"
SAVE
« Last Edit: November 28, 2011, 07:19:59 PM by Boat that Rocks »

Garbanzo

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Grief Stuff
« Reply #41 on: November 28, 2011, 07:26:23 PM »
I thought grief was it's own emotion so now I'm rather confused to know that grief is like a process or cycle rather then one single emotion but then maybe it hasn't been explained very clearly/correctly to me.

The other thing is I get ticked off all over again to see the word depression on here because when I went to therapy in the past nobody ever said anything about grief to me, they just said "Your depressed"...take some antidepressants. But I've already been over that.

I feel that I have already been over everything at this point on this board and I'm just rehashing the same ideas.

I've been trying to go get a personal counseling referral so I can make an appointment to talk one-on-one rather then the group but I just keep playing phone tag with them. I left a message for them this morning and havent received any call back today.


Garbanzo

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Grief Group/Finding a counselor
« Reply #42 on: November 29, 2011, 09:29:48 PM »
Today I went to my grief group again, I didn't speak in the group but I think I will be receiving a referral soon to speak with someone one-on-one which is more comfortable for me. Everybody in the group misses somebody with tenderness and today they talked a lot about how to continue to celebrate the loved-one which is all a bit different from what I have going on.

Definitely being a part of the group makes me wake up a little bit because there is so much death and loss discussed, one woman lost her 3 year old daughter from disease. It makes me EVEN MORE want to enjoy life and participate in being living and healthy.

So at the group I told the facilitators that I haven't been able to get through the phone for the referral so somebody there sat down to speak with me for 5 minutes to do a mini assessment. I told her what my living situation is, told her about the spotty random jobs, told her about my father being sick and I said that I was just really stressed out and that "I just want things to get better".

She asked me if I was suicidal and she wanted to give me a phone number for a crisis line....Ughhhhhh.....I told her no I am not suicidal, I just want to speak with a counselor. Maybe they are required to ask if someone is suicidal but its sort of incongruent because I'm not raving hysterical just asking for low-income counseling BUT she was pretty supportive so I'm glad we talked.
Other weird thing is that she asks if I am suicide because I am technically still "in crisis" unfortunately crisis appears to have become a way of life for me AND that is what I want to change.

So I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I find a good counselor. I never know how long I am going to be able to be in one place.
SAVE
« Last Edit: November 29, 2011, 09:32:18 PM by Boat that Rocks »

Garbanzo

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Re: Boat's Cargo
« Reply #43 on: November 29, 2011, 09:35:16 PM »
Just hope something weaves together, the process of finding a counselor that participates in low-income services and getting two or three referrals before I can even begin to see someone well, it's a process so once I get this process going I hope I can be here long enough to see the therapist because if I end up in another community/county then I have to go through getting referrals all over again. Sheesh!

Garbanzo

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Communication pays off sometimes and sometimes it does not....just try
« Reply #44 on: November 30, 2011, 06:21:03 PM »
So there were some conflicted feelings for me about communicating regarding the paranoid schizo "roommate" here. The conflict was that she has been causing me anxiety that I don't need vs. sometimes the squeaky wheel gets ripped off and thrown into a trash compactor (Am I going to get myself kicked out due to complaining).

Luckily a lot of people have complained. So today she is packing up her stuff and it sounds like there are a network of mental health people to help her out.

So relieved about that. It didn't get to the point where anybody flipped out. So now, just waiting for her to pack and shut the door behind her. Not sure what the clincher was, the number of people complaining or the fact that she walks around with a sheet on her head like the Grim Reaper. This in a place where half or more of the people have PTSD?

Feeling a little good about contributing to making the staff aware that they needed to stay on top of her case and not just put her in here and see how it goes until something goes really wrong.

Thank God the staff came to their senses and decided that this is not the appropriate place for her.

So, maybe another mantra sometimes is (Just Try)
« Last Edit: November 30, 2011, 06:37:24 PM by Boat that Rocks »