Author Topic: Newbie story  (Read 5279 times)

KatG

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Newbie story
« on: September 05, 2009, 01:38:24 PM »
Hello to all. 
Been reading about narcissism since '04 - all types except parental - recently started the parental.    Found Dr. McBride's  site recently, found validation.   Didn’t know there were others like me.

As I think about my childhood, looking back, it felt like we were 'programmed' almost since birth.  Sheltered house in a sheltered town.  Didn't become independent.  I knew some things then, feeling like my sis and I were mom’s servants.  Never questioned her, never said no to her, never stood up for self.  Don’t remember thinking it was even possible.  Her heavy footsteps in the house.  Mostly feelings of fear, cold, hunger.  Other people count, others are important, meet others needs.  Remember some “awakenings” where I realized I'd been under wrong impressions.   Grateful for father's parents whom we got to see summers and holidays. 
 Remember vividly when my 1st husband, early in relationship - NM had yelled from downstairs for me to bring her something – he was standing beside me, said, “say no”.  I looked at him in horror.  “What?!?” I said to him.  He said, “say no!”  Terrified, with him at my side, I moused a “no” down the stairs to her.  She said “What?”  Again, I moused a “no”  No answer.  Nothing.  She knew he was there.     

But he was an N too.  I just went from my narc mom to narc husband.  Easy for him to control me.  He died in early 90's, it was traumatic.  It was then that I sought good things for me & kids, went to groups/therapy.  Did a lot of growing & learning, became stronger, more independent, more confident.  Tried to minimize NM impact on me and kids (1 of each).   Told kids “grammy is just that way, she gets things wrong”.  Kept people at arms length distance, but continued the N cycle in a less significant way, i.e., one found me to work for him.   
Just got married again last year.  He had found that Wizard/Oz book about same time as when we met.  He has two sons.  Awful to watch his XN alienate the sons from him. 

Have learned to say no more, but still shy away from conflict.  Guess starting this new growth process is a way of standing up for self (frightening to even post this).   Sometimes can't find the words to what I want to say/feel.  Dr. Grossman's essays speak to me in this area.  Sometimes take a long time to process things.  I know I have more to learn here.  Lately it makes me feel highly pathetic of just how far behind I was if, when NH died, I had made so much progress.  Since reading online lately, been standing up for self little more, and at the same time, feel more peaceful (strange that's not an oxymoron). 
Thank you for allowing me to share my voice, my story.

KatG

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Re: Newbie story
« Reply #1 on: February 06, 2011, 02:05:32 PM »
I hate thinking about ‘if you were to go back in time…’, because it’s impossible and just leaves me frustrated.  But at the same time, I can’t help think of this every so often.  I know I would absolutely refuse to go back if I couldn’t bring back with me what I’ve learned, I would hate to have to relive my life so far. 

If I were given an opportunity to just say one thing to my self, so far the only thing I can come up with that might truly help, is trying to teach myself that I can say ‘no’. 
I couldn’t be too young to go back and do this – I depended on my nm for survival, and, in order to survive in her house, I could never say no.  Or not do what I was told, or dare to do something that would upset her, incur her wrath.  Always living in fear.

The fact that I remember saying ‘no’ that first time so vividly should tell me something.   But this power and control just transferred over to him.  And she’ll never forgive me for that transfer. 

I always had to be responsible, but one can’t really learn to be self-reliant unless they can say ‘no’ to things.  Of course she couldn’t handle me becoming self-reliant, not if she would want to maintain absolute power and control over me.
Not being able to say no, make decisions for myself, have a voice, has had huge detrimental effects in my life.   It followed me everywhere, left me vulnerable to new N’s, digging a deeper hole from which I so desperately wanted escape from.
It’s so ingrained in me – truly believe this must have started when I was an infant, I never remember a time when I wasn’t afraid of her.  I don't want to live in fear anymore, the anxiety, but just can't seem to break out of that constant anxiety.

I still have issues in this area and want to continue to work on it (for my present and future) – still a little lost, but trying to find my way.