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Author Topic: How do you interact with a sadistic/narcissistic /psychopath  (Read 3596 times)
Anonymous
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« on: June 26, 2004, 06:58:30 PM »

Hi Everyone,
I'm the Mom of 2 small boys married to (but separated from ) the psychopath/sadist/narcissist.  Because of all of your help and much of my own reading; I have been really trying to build up a wall of protection from my H, so I don't give him any inroads to go for my jugular and smash me.  And I'm happy to tell you much of the time i'm successful!  But I have a question for all of you.  I have read that the only way to deal with people like this is to combat them head on with their own heartless strategy or just keep glorifying them.  Have any of you had any experience with this?  I have to have interaction with the Father of my kids.  Right now we are fighting over a weekend camping trip.  It is his weekend with the boys and he scheduled a trip  (but didn't tell me)  I also planned a camping trip and figured he's want a break, as he is taking them to Mnpls to visit his parents for 5 days.  Basically, I asked him if he was willing to work out a negotiated solution with me.  He sneered and said "too bad, it was my weekend, tough luck"  There have been multiple times when I have worked with him on my scheduled kids weeeknd to giv ehim access for special circumstances--his family in town, etc.
I asked him to negotiate and he wouldn't.  I told him we'd have to share camping gear--he said no way.  So what do I do?  Do I get in his face and tell him, ok, Buddy, you don't work with me, I won't work with you.  I'll remember this.  Do I say; don't come into the house unless I'm present or I'll get a restraining order?  He still has a key to our home--we are not legally separated.  I guess I'm just wondering if there is another alternative to playing hardball.  He seems to always have the ability to play harder than me.  Just kind of looking for any tried and true ways of dealing with these people.  Thanks for your suggestions.  Cplummer  CSHF
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Anonymous
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« Reply #1 on: June 26, 2004, 08:59:33 PM »

I would strongly advise you not to play hardball with him. He'll win. I don't know what your written agreement is on child custody. I suggest you see a family law attorney. You may need a mediator or someone like that. I doubt you'll be able to deal with him on your own. It will probably take some authority figure backing you up.

bunny
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Anonymous
Guest
« Reply #2 on: June 27, 2004, 07:57:35 AM »

See a lawyer - a good lawyer. Get you locks changed (after speaking with lawyer).
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Joady
Guest
« Reply #3 on: July 03, 2004, 01:44:59 AM »

Unfortunately, one can't expect an narcissist to play fair, even if you have been more than fair with them. Particulary if you are dealing with a psychopath/sadist narcissist, I'm not really certain why you might have even expected him to work with you, and trusted in this enough to have begun to make your own plans on his weekend with the kids, thinking it would be fine.  

Sadly, you cannot expect this in the future, and it is best not to assume that he might not mind, or might want a break, or this or that. They are completely unpredictable, and have no empathy, which is needed to have the ability to reciprocate things.  

Though, that aside, even in non narcissistic cases, I'm sure the same scenario has been played out by separate or divorced couples, if there is bad feeling between them.

Really, it was his weekend and it seems that you planned something on it without telling him right off the bat either (if I have that right -perhaps I don't) based on your assmuption only, that it would be okay because he'd want a break.  

I'm not sticking up for a  narcissist by any means, but just looking at the situation of two people, in and of itself.    

I wouldn't needlessly escalate things (particularly with psychopath/sadist narcissist) with the restraining order comment.  

I would just stick to the rules in the future, and not assume any leeway from him.  On your part, you can decide what kind of person you want to be in terms of working things out with him if he asks.  You could continue to if it really wouldn't be a bother to you at the time he asks, or you certainly don't have to.

I guess you could consider what the kids might appreciate best at those times.  

Sorry it worked out that way for you...

Take care.
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gailabelle
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« Reply #4 on: July 06, 2004, 03:24:41 AM »

I guess the camping trip is over by now but I read your post and felt like I might have something useful to contribute so here I go anyway.
I'm trying to learn how to deal with my N too.  So I've been reading a lot and trying different things and have seen some interesting results.  One suggestion I have is never tell him what you really want or why.  Say the opposite of what you want because that's more likely what you'll get.  For example,  If you told him you really needed him to be sure not to miss his turn that weeking for some reason really important to you, then he may suddenly become unavailable.  Think back hard about how you got anything you wanted, (if ever) or how some situation worked our in your favor (if ever).  What worked before? My experience is they function entirely with a "whats in it for me" approach.  If he likes making you miserable then thinking he messed up your weekend would be something in it for him.  I don't have a lot of experience with this theory but I have tried it with good results a couple of times.
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