Author Topic: Izzy's story  (Read 9863 times)

isittoolate

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Izzy's story
« on: September 16, 2007, 08:11:04 PM »
As I sometimes look back into my past, I get a glimpse of a little girl. I can see myself clearly, at times, but this little girl, for the first, hmmmmmm10? years on this earth, has no happy memories of family and friends but does have some memory, not all, but have the memories are of being invisible, of abuse, ridicule and of unbearable loneliness. What is difficult for me to see and understand is why the fear I felt as a young child still lives inside of/rules/affects me today, even though I am a full-grown woman.

Because of all the physical and mental abuse that I suffered as a child, I can look back today and picture myself as a little girl being afraid of many people in life - the parents, the siblings, the school teachers, the preachers. It was like I had been totally convinced as a child that no one would ever like/love me. (I was 15 when I actually thought those thoughts, with the frame of reference being that I was attending a wedding.)  No matter what I did, I was afraid of getting into some kind of trouble. No matter how hard I tried (and I was 19 when I realized this) I could not just be myself, because I had no idea who or what that was.

There was no 'individual' living inside of me. That part of me (the individual) was still being formed. All I knew to do was follow the rules and try to mold myself to every different type of situation that arose and then hope for the best.

To go to church was to hear about God, and Love while everyone was one his best behaviour. To come back home, was to return to the beginning of another 6 days that  had nothing to do with what we learned in Church. What was right? One hour of Peace on Sunday and 167 hours of "what will happen next?' every week.

When you are a small child, nothing makes sense to you unless you ask and an adult then explains. A child looks to the adults in life to demonstrate the correct way to do things. What if the parents of this child had gone through the very same thing as I had, and never realized the 'innocent ignorance'? But I wanted to know. What if a child grows up remembering only negative occurrences?  The natural reaction is for the child to think negatively more often, and for me to go off to be alone I could lose those feelings, but replacement positive thoughts had not been provided. I was just alone.

After being abused through the formative years, I found that even after I grew up, I was still afraid that I would fail at anything and everything I tried in life. Some people may look at me and see that I've done all right in school and work and live an average lifestyle.

How can this be if I sense that I have 'failed at life'?

It's possible it is not entirely the physical and emotional abuse I suffered that was the problem. The mind, together with laws, rules and regulations, outside observations can make one override that type of abuse and the individual can become devoid of feelings, yet still lead a productive life in society.

I personally think it was all the years of not being able to find out who *I* was as a person and then to build from there. Being so afraid all the time and at every turn, until a young mind just finally shuts itself down, the robot automatically takes over and it goes along with the required program. After a while, even the robot does not know the difference between emotional, spiritual and physical feelings.

We know that there are people who lost an arm or a leg, yet they can still feel the missing appendage, as if it were still fully connected to them. No matter how much they look and no matter how much they feel, that arm or leg is not going to appear ever again.. That is how I feel about the abuse I suffered. I know that it is in the past and that no one can hurt me any more.

But the results of the abuse, the taunting, the mixed up thinking  are still present within. It is an invisible thing, a sense of  hurting away down deep inside of me all the time. That deep down hurt: that is ME. It is who I really am as a person. That is why I have never been able to find out or become who I really am, because that is who I am.

I guess sometimes, we just have to make the best of what we are given. However, it sure would have been awfully good to know 'what it felt like' to have been 'like 'everyone else' just one time. I see the peaceful faces, the glowing faces. I hear the laughter, the interaction, the disagreements solved and I just know that I have missed so much in life---well actually, I have missed life


Izzy_*now*

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Re: Izzy's story
« Reply #1 on: March 06, 2008, 03:28:40 PM »
Gone Fishin'
(that was a long fishing trip.)
=====
November 24, 2010
=======
I have a little story to tell and I don’t want any ‘negative’ feed back, such as:
1.) It’s about time!
2.) Think of all the money you wasted!
3.) That’s why I couldn’t stand to come and see you!
3.) Now maybe you will have more friends!
4.) Think of all the second hand smoke you have polluted the world with…all for nothing!
Ad infinitum

All I would like to hear if I should tell anyone is ”That is some undertaking after 54 years!”

I started smoking when I was 17. It was okay for women, inside, not outside, just like wearing slacks. I enjoyed it and I was spending my own money and never knew what the future would bring, regarding additives and addiction, isolation and depression. I enjoyed smoking.

EIGHT days ago I went to a walk in Clinic about a cough that I had had for one week. It was a lung infection, my left lung she said. I immediately said to myself ”Stop Smoking!” and I did.

I took the meds, quit smoking cold turkey and it is now 8 days without the least craving OR overeating.

I began sleeping all night!
I like myself now and never knew that part of my problem was I disliked myself for smoking, especially, say the last 15 years? ..just a guess.. about when it became a negative for me, a hindrance etc, yet I still believed I loved smoking, and it was my body and my money and my home. I ‘simply’ never attached my feelings of self-worth, or lack thereof, would be connected to smoking. After all I was an immature 17 year old, and it’s “was my comfort” through all the trials in my life….my ‘one friend’….and I cannot even see denial in this since \I NEVER saw the connection to deny it! No one, no where, said that smoking could lessen your opinion of yourself!!

Just like any other situation in life, I made my own decision, based on a fact (which I expect to be the truth, as the meds cleared up my cough) and no criticism from that Doctor, a stranger, being that doctors rotate at the Walk-in Clinic and one might never see the same one twice.

Only my ‘best friend physical therapist’ knows, as I though if I were contagious, I ought to cancel, and the doctor said yes, for 48 hours. K. is an angel and is SO proud, and AMAZED, at this, as am I!

I had to write about to and post it somewhere… and I can come back to read and add to it as I pass the stages I expect to pass, after this one week, will be2, the 3, then 1 month, then 2, then 3 and I might begin to “find myself” without the fog around to distort the view!
« Last Edit: November 24, 2010, 04:01:30 PM by Izzy_*now* »
"The joy of love lasts such a short time, but the pain of love lasts one's whole life"

Izzy_*now*

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Re: Izzy's story
« Reply #2 on: December 16, 2010, 01:28:35 AM »
This is a miracle already, 4 weeks today, the 15th, with 4 dots;:one for every week: then one month on Friday the 17th. Every 17th I add a star to my posting on the Cessation forum.

Happy New Year's Eve. I am 2 days past 6 weeks now!!

I am now 1 day past 7 weeks Jan 5/11

I am now 1 day past 8 weeks Jan 12/11

...3 days past 9 weeks, Jan 19, 2011

--2 days past 10 weeks, Jan 26, 2011

Oh heck every Wed is another week and every 17th is another month!

I'm here today so will post that I am one week short of 3 months of no smoking---WOW, self, wouldja have believed this a few years back?

--and now I passed 3 months, Feb 17th., plus 9 days= Feb 26/2011

I am 8 days short of 4 months now---might as well post while here!
« Last Edit: March 09, 2011, 10:41:27 PM by Izzy_*now* »
"The joy of love lasts such a short time, but the pain of love lasts one's whole life"

Izzy_*now*

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Re: Izzy's story
« Reply #3 on: April 12, 2011, 02:15:57 AM »
6 days short if 5 months and still hanging in as though I were never a smoker of 54 years.

I know this is weird but when the Dr, said ‘lung infection’ my head threw out ‘stop smoking’ and they met in midair. I grabbed the two thoughts and squished them in my hand and became a cold turkey quitter.

My SIS wants to tell everyone and I said "No" as my sis-in-law (brother's wife) is not allowed around her new grandchild reeking of smoke. She sits the baby twice a week and must shower, wash her hair, change her clothes and not smoke until her daughter picks up the baby and is gone. Boy that's a tough one!

Don't you think it better she doesn't know how easily I quit after 54 years?.......................because I am a different thinker..... the one I've been telling you all, all along.

==
Was 6 months, May 17th
===
Was 7 months, June 17th (It's nice to see my progress on the internet---even though I put it here!   :0)
==
Will be 11 months on Oct 17, and next month ONE Whole Year!

................and TODAY is my ONE Year mark! I am proud!
« Last Edit: November 17, 2011, 10:16:04 PM by Skits »
"The joy of love lasts such a short time, but the pain of love lasts one's whole life"