Author Topic: Relationships and Relationship Ideals  (Read 284 times)

lighter

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Re: Relationships and Relationship Ideals
« Reply #15 on: September 09, 2018, 09:10:04 AM »
Tupp:

I never thought about the PD factor regarding how asking for help can turn into something much worse than you're already dealing with.

I hope you can examine that, and find emotionally safe ways to take your 3d voice back.  I understand what you're talking about.  I don't want your FOO to cut you off from 3d support, at least not without your consent.  Choosing is one thing, and that may be your comfort zone.  I guess you review your exposure to risk, and make that determination based on mindful consideration as you go.

I hope there's at least 1 person you can talk to, if it's a friend, T or other healthcare professional.  Maybe you can have practical and emotional support from the same person/ people.

History doesn't have to be repeated.  Time has passed.  What do you think?

Lighter




Twoapenny

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Re: Relationships and Relationship Ideals
« Reply #16 on: September 09, 2018, 09:43:12 AM »
Tupp:

I never thought about the PD factor regarding how asking for help can turn into something much worse than you're already dealing with.

I hope you can examine that, and find emotionally safe ways to take your 3d voice back.  I understand what you're talking about.  I don't want your FOO to cut you off from 3d support, at least not without your consent.  Choosing is one thing, and that may be your comfort zone.  I guess you review your exposure to risk, and make that determination based on mindful consideration as you go.

I hope there's at least 1 person you can talk to, if it's a friend, T or other healthcare professional.  Maybe you can have practical and emotional support from the same person/ people.

History doesn't have to be repeated.  Time has passed.  What do you think?

Lighter

Thanks, Lighter.  I think it works on two levels.  I have the logical, rational side of myself that can assess risk, determine what's going on, make good choices about what to do and so on.  And then there's that more subconscious level where the fear lives and it's so strong it over-rides everything else.  I'm hoping this T can help me with that.  Son requires 168 hours of care a week.  The physical toll of doing that for sixteen years is really telling now.  I just don't have the energy to look after him and look after myself, it's just too much.  So I think the tiredness adds to everything else, and the lack of hope.  Hopefully college will work out but it's still only the beginning of a huge battle to transition him to full time care.  And good quality full time care is very hard to find in the UK.  I do feel very overwhelmed by it all x

Hopalong

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Re: Relationships and Relationship Ideals
« Reply #17 on: September 09, 2018, 10:07:55 AM »
((((Tupp))))

Reminds me of how I often felt when caregiving my ancient Nmom.

Six hours a day, four days a week...that's a huge difference from the amount of free time you had before, isn't it? I so hope it will really make a difference.

But I'd say, as long as you don't completely isolate (don't forget those nice friends, that beautiful oceanside) if it takes you a whole year on the couch during your hours off to begin to feel normal again. If all this stress has also kicked in perimenopause, you really need to understand that a lot of mood struggles are NORMAL as your body adjusts, and this will pass or calm down too. It takes time, everything does.

The kinder and gentler you are with yourself, and the more you assert yourself with the worry-voice that wants to take over your head, the better you'll do.

I have been dealing with anxiety lately and the worry-whisper starts up easily. I am literally speaking out loud, I'm okay. I'm okay. I'm okay. In a gentle, calming, reassuring voice. I'm okay.... And I have to challenge my own disasterizing ruminations. I'll also say, Stop it. (Living alone advantage #1: talking to oneself.)

I can worry about the future but I can't predict it. Or I can focus on what I CAN do and also on how I CAN make some present choices to increase happiness and peace. That's all we've got, really.

I still have faith that things are going to turn out well for your sweet son. I'm glad you vent about it here. But I encourage you to reclaim your mind for yourself for a lot of the time. He's always going to love you, you're always going to love him. And you have a lot of time to find out how FT care can come about for him.

I wouldn't be bored a bit by understanding some of the rules about what the state must provide, and what the obstacles are. Or why one needs to go to court to arrange it. That's all a little opaque to me but I believe you that it's not easy and it's under-funded.

xxooo chin up,
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

sKePTiKal

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Re: Relationships and Relationship Ideals
« Reply #18 on: September 09, 2018, 11:07:34 AM »
Tupp, you said something important and then skipped right past it. Practical support!

More people are open and willing to help, when they have a concrete idea of what you need - like perhaps cleaning up your garden area? Finding group activities in your new location? Interests?

When the kids would plan to come out for 3 days, I found I had to just make a list of jobs that were physically taxing for me - or emotionally daunting - and let them have at it. It didn't matter if it was something as silly as moving furniture... or getting a space organized. That kind of help really is "necessary" - and people are more than happy to pitch in.

Since most "other people" don't have a clue how to deal with their own feelings and issues, asking them to help when you're feeling crappy does tend to get you brushed off more often or negative reactions. And while it might seem like indulging in "magical thinking" -- I think focusing on the practical stuff you WANT done (no matter how small & insignificant) does actually help how one feels. I know for me - when I do take the time out for a slow-down, sit-down time of reading, tv, playing online - I'm much less conflicted about it when I've taken care of some of those other things on my "to-do list".
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

lighter

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Re: Relationships and Relationship Ideals
« Reply #19 on: September 09, 2018, 02:26:44 PM »
Tupp:

Perhaps identifying which friends are capable of what kinds of support is a consideration also.

Some people like to DO things with and for others.  Some people like to text, eat, or meet in public spaces.

Some people aren't cut out for concrete support roles.  Some are.

Lighter

mudpuppy

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Re: Relationships and Relationship Ideals
« Reply #20 on: September 10, 2018, 12:36:44 AM »
Quote
the fear I have is based on old experiences of unpleasant reactions from people when wanting to discuss a problem or talk something through

Choosing who not to open up to or confront is usually even more important than choosing who you can trust.

Quote
I wonder:
if (in general) people are so over-protective of what they think their vulnerabilities are, that we go out of our way to avoid relationships, where old wounds can be ripped open again?

Tell me about it. I have a whole thread on the subject.  :)

mud


sKePTiKal

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Re: Relationships and Relationship Ideals
« Reply #21 on: September 10, 2018, 10:47:14 AM »
LOL, indeed you do, mud!

But it's that old problem of "things in mirror appear larger than they really are", due to fear myopia or tunnel vision. Once hurt that badly, can one really expect themselves to be all that objective about assessing risk/benefit?

I see this in myself - overstating risk and minimizing benefit - when it comes to relationships. And the fact that I don't communicate so well VERBALLY (writing is a whole different level of competence) confuses & tangles things even more. Throw in an almost compulsive need for validation and connection... and my perception of my ability to function in a relationship capacity while maintaining appropriate boundaries - right now - is as volatile as a quart of nitroglycerin riding along a potholed street in the back of an old pickup with broken springs.

I find, sometimes, that I can't tell a person what I want, need, feel or any of it - to the point of not even being honest with myself - because I simply haven't had the time to process any of that during the course of an interaction. If I "don't know" what's really going on with me... how can trust my perception of risk/benefit in that moment?

And so - fight, flight or freeze moments are all involved in what most often is an ordinary interpersonal interaction with another person. (Yes, my hair was reddish-auburn once upon a time. LOL.)

I'm exaggerating a little bit. I've got better skills and control over that than I used to. But the instinctive reflex is still there and noticeable. I even get tense/anxious over having my rent-a-men in the house. Low level - and I know to stay out of their way and not micro-manage - but I simply do not relax until I'm alone... or with "inner circle" people.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.