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Author Topic: irritating mother  (Read 2893 times)
Gaining Strength
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« on: January 02, 2007, 08:19:49 PM »

My mother irritates me.  I have been trying to let it go and see positive but I'm not yet succeeding so I'm going to post some of the irritating things here and try to let them go.

When she hands something to me she doesn't put it down beside me she stands there reaching out to me until I have stopped what I am doing and put whatever I have in my hands down so that I can take whatever it is from her and then set it down myself.

When I am at her house she will talk to me from another room so that I have to get up and go where she is rather than coming into the room where I am to say something.

If I am fixing something for my child to eat she will begin to ask what dish to put it in or what tray or what utensils, etc.  when I have gone to sit down while the food is cooking.  She can't wait for me to get up to select it or just select it herself.

It is all so trivial but so very passive aggressive.  She is no longer mean but it triggers my memories of when she help power over me.  I am determined to let this all go this year and grow past being affected. - GS
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pennyplant
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« Reply #1 on: January 02, 2007, 08:30:24 PM »

My sister does things like this with me and so do other people in my life.  Behaviors like these actually contributed to me quitting my job a few years ago.  I wish I knew how not to be bothered by these behaviors.  But once I notice the power imbalance that is occurring (which these are symptoms of) then I'm just lost in irritation and annoyance.  If people can be this subtle about their manipulation, then it is a part of their very being.  They are not going to change.  People like this drive me up the wall.  I have to limit my interactions with these kinds of people.  I haven't come up with anything better than that unfortunately.

Pennyplant
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"We all shine on, like the moon, and the stars, and the sun."
John Lennon
isittoolate
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« Reply #2 on: January 02, 2007, 09:00:50 PM »

hiya GS
 Razz

If your mother is still irritating to you, then she still holds a modicum of power over, and (who am I to say it?)  Shocked  but I would put a stop to any and every....

In all my messy travels, I have found it the most difficult to deal with family, as opposed to workmates etc.---(I think? I dunno. You tell me! Mr. Green)
isit...               Very Happy
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Gaining Strength
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« Reply #3 on: January 02, 2007, 09:25:09 PM »

Quote
then she still holds a modicum of power over,

right you are isittoolate!  Glad you put it in those terms.  I definitely don't want her to have power over me
and I have come so very far in that regards in the last 12 months.  I know just what to do in order to
regain my power.  thanks.

pennyplant - I quit several jobs because of it and didn't have a clue.  I feel so fortunate to understand it at last
but in some ways I feel as though I lost out on the career I longed for because of it.  But in my determination
to see things optimistically I chose to believe that the work that I find now will be as valuable for me as what I started
out in.  I am tempted to regret that I didn't understand the N parents and the strange perspective I had on life because of it, but
I know that I must keep focused on how glad I am that I have figured it out now.  C'est la vie! - GS
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Overcomer
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« Reply #4 on: January 02, 2007, 09:45:31 PM »

I caN TOTALLY relate.  Maybe that is why I am running as fast as I can away from nmom and aunt.......not only do I have the n family thing going on, but I have the work thing, too.  Nmom hands me things and I have started handing them right back to her - in front of other people.  I say things like "I'm sorry, I don't need this, you take care of it."  Also this phoney baloney fascade that I am supposed to be a part of.  My aunt would rather work crappy hours than to take a desk job with great hours if anyone in the whole place might consider she is being demoted......................frustrating!
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Kelly

"The Best Way Out is Through........and try laughing at yourself"
Hopalong
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« Reply #5 on: January 03, 2007, 12:19:34 AM »

GS, HOW did you meet my mother????? I'm amazed to read these descriptions of the subtle stuff that's driven me bonkers. I guess I didn't realize how universal it is. Reading it about your mother, I saw it a little more objectively, and it struck me as a lack of respect for your separateness. A boundary thing. Your activity, your hearing or location, your need for rest...all inconsequential when you are a moveable prop in a Nish mother's world. Boy, can I relate to these:

Quote
When she hands something to me she doesn't put it down beside me she stands there reaching out to me until I have stopped what I am doing and put whatever I have in my hands down so that I can take whatever it is from her and then set it down myself.

--it's taken me literally years, but I've learned to simply quietly ignore her efforts to hand me things (sometimes). There have been times when I feel like a waiter or a human trash can. I've also learned to sometimes speak it out loud. "I can't take that right now, please set it down." It's a pain, but feels better than silently cooperating in her assumption that I'm there to manipulate.

Quote
When I am at her house she will talk to me from another room so that I have to get up and go where she is rather than coming into the room where I am to say something.

--Same EXACT experience and one of my deepest irritations. So much it hurts. It's taken me literally years, but I have learned to simply NOT respond, and NOT go to where she is. She's persistent. No matter how many times I've asked her to give me time--a minute--to get within her hearing when I do come to reply, she calls my name urgently time after time (nary a second in between)...it's scream-worthy.

Quote
If I am fixing something for my child to eat she will begin to ask what dish to put it in or what tray or what utensils, etc.  when I have gone to sit down while the food is cooking.  She can't wait for me to get up to select it or just select it herself.

--I get a lot of "stupid questions" from my mother. Much easier to overlook now that she truly has memory issues. But I know she's done this for years. I used to feel literally battered by her mindless questions. I felt as though I were being PRODDED. I was never allowed the peace of silence. It is impossible for her to peacefully share space. There must be dialogue! Call and response! AAAAGGGH.

GS, thanks for the relief of knowing someone else knows those feelings.

hugs,
Hops


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"That'll do, pig, that'll do."
Gaining Strength
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« Reply #6 on: January 03, 2007, 01:33:48 AM »

LOL Hops, I was thinking of you when I posted.  I thought you might relate.  I often do to your "mother" posts. - GS
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Hopalong
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« Reply #7 on: January 03, 2007, 08:37:29 AM »

CB,
In your defense, I hafta say that I think it's a bit different when a mother of children has to holler now and then from another room.

It's just that when my mother does, it's for inconsequential nonemergencies...like crying wolf. It's as though I would think as an adult that she might recognize what strain it puts on me. (Well, not now...now I expect the strain. But for the last decade, it's been one of her most maddening behaviors.)

How many hundreds of times would I explain that when she calls, I'll come, but she needs to give me a moment to set aside my laptop, get off the bed, walk around the bed, out of my room and down the hall where I'll be within her hearing.

She KNOWS she can't hear me reply. But she'll stand at the base of the stairs hollering and then mutters something sulky, or whines, and lays a big guilt trip over the fact that it took me 10 seconds instead of 2.3 seconds to go, yes, Mom?

I don't begrudge it now given her years, but it is one behavior I resented so much. I am not a bell-pull! (She has always loved having a little bell in her room that she could tinkle to call someone when she needed a tissue...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLE!)

OhI ain't no saint.

Hops
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"That'll do, pig, that'll do."
CB123
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It's never to late to be what you might have been


« Reply #8 on: January 03, 2007, 08:54:26 AM »

Hops,

Yeah, I can see what you're saying--

Probably the dysfunction is when something that is appropriate behavior for the mother of young kids continues with 50 year old kids!!!  You would hope that at some point, your mom would see you as another adult with your own life and pursuits that cant be dropped as soon as you are called!

A lot of where I am is in transition (so are the kids).  Plus my poor knees dont like the stairs! 

CB
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When they are older and telling their own children about their grandmother, they will be able to say that she stood in the storm, and when the wind did not blow her way -- and it surely has not -- she adjusted her sails.  Elizabeth Edwards 2010
seasons
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« Reply #9 on: January 03, 2007, 09:00:49 AM »

((GS))

I love to hear that you see this pattern, that in itself is another step in dealing and healing with yourself. Great job you are doing, working so hard, looking outside the box with truth and honesty. Go Girl!

What you described was so familiar to me also, it's not little...it's exhausting isn't it? I like what Hops has done to work through that passive aggressive stuff....helpful for the spirit.

You mentioned GS your mother is not mean anymore. I found that interesting, could you share more about the change, if or when it is safe for you.

much love...seasons
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"Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak Kindly. Leave the Rest to God."
Maya Angelou
Gaining Strength
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« Reply #10 on: January 03, 2007, 09:56:32 AM »

seasons - she changes somewhat last winter.  During the previous fall I put my foot down because of some of her passive aggressive behavior and told her that is she wanted to have a relationship with my and my son that she would have to go see a therapist.  She agreed and went once.  When her behavior continued I quit communicating with her so she went back. 

She was afraid enough of being alone that she chose to change.  Part of that in and of itself is shocking because for years she claimed to not know what I was talking about when I told her her behavior was not acceptable. 

Before last year she, any time I challenged her attitude or actions her replooy was, "Well I'm sorry." with a tone that suggested otherwise.  If I asked why she did something her reply was, "I'm sorry." which translated as, "I'm changing the subject."  Basically, nothing could be changed because she simply refused to dialogue about it.  What fascinates me is that she clearly understood enough to be able to change these behaviors though she still would claim she didn't know what I was talking about.

The inability to have a discussion about "relationship" is a hallmark of my FOO.  I find it tragic.  As dynamic beings, it seems to me that ALL human relations need tweaking at times and wouldn't it be nice  if we could discuss it. 

I hope I've given you a helpful response.  If you want some specific information feel free to ask. - GS
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seasons
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« Reply #11 on: January 03, 2007, 12:37:20 PM »

Quote
She was afraid enough of being alone that she chose to change.  Part of that in and of itself is shocking because for years she claimed to not know what I was talking about when I told her her behavior was not acceptable. 


Wow, good for you for voicing what was unacceptable. While holding out an olive branch to your mother, how graceful.

Quote
What fascinates me is that she clearly understood enough to be able to change these behaviors though she still would claim she didn't know what I was talking about
.

Claiming...yes..but deep down she knows the answer, maybe?

Quote
The inability to have a discussion about "relationship" is a hallmark of my FOO.  I find it tragic.  As dynamic beings, it seems to me that ALL human relations need tweaking at times and wouldn't it be nice  if we could discuss it. 


Yes it is tragic GS.
 Is your mother a full blown N? The reason I am asking is that I can't imagine an N meeting any need of another even to save some part relations?

I'm happy for you that she has been less hurtful (if I'm understanding correctly) and you have some peace from the changes that have taken place.

(((Thanks for sharing GS))). You are so brave. seasons


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"Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak Kindly. Leave the Rest to God."
Maya Angelou
Dazed1
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« Reply #12 on: January 03, 2007, 01:50:48 PM »

Wow!

This topic really hit home for me.  I didn't realize that this sort of thing was an N behavior.

My mom would often hand me something while I was busy and she would stand (or sit) there with her arm out stretched waiting for me to take it from her. 

Sometimes I'd say "just put it down" and she did put the item down, sometimes with a snarl, sometimes not.  Sometimes I'd say "why do I have to stop what I'm doing just to take the (whatever object she was handing to me) from you?"  Sometimes, I'd just take it from her because it was too annoying to ask her to put it down.

Also, my mom would often shout to me from another room and I would have to go to her and say "What?"  Sometimes, I'd ignore the shouts and she almost never came to me to say whatever she had to say.

Are these activities manipulation and an attempt to control?  Or, is it because such people are socially spastic?

Dazed

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Gaining Strength
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« Reply #13 on: January 03, 2007, 01:56:53 PM »

When my mother was seeing the psychologist last year she was diagnosed as having N traits.  It is a diagnosis that has been VERY helpful to me.  It came after I diagnosed my father as full blown NPD.  My father is also OCD and probably a half dozen other things.  Even though I a a widow with a young child and out of work my father has stated to me and others that I have an obligation to HIM.  What kind of obligation would that be?  Anyway I digress.  For whatever reason my real problem is that I internalized my father's voice.  For some reason I was able to realize that my mother was a real pain and even as a young child I simply looked forward to getting away from her.  My father on the other hand, I idealized and admired.  His message to me that I have to dig out is that I am not good enough and do not deserve (fill in the blank with anything good.)  All in all, my mother has been easier to deal with than my father b/c I didn't fully buy in.  

Not a direct answer to your question but I took the opportunity to spew a little pent up yuck.  - Gaining Strength

Dazed - I could have written these words - "Sometimes I'd say "just put it down" and she did put the item down, sometimes with a snarl, sometimes not.  Sometimes I'd say "why do I have to stop what I'm doing just to take the (whatever object she was handing to me) from you?"  Sometimes, I'd just take it from her because it was too annoying to ask her to put it down."  It is so weird that so many of us have experienced the same things.
I just love this place.  I could have complained about this in real life and people would have told me to quit complaining - here I find people who really understand.  I feel so lucky to be here.

Quote
Are these activities manipulation and an attempt to control?  Or, is it because such people are socially spastic?

I'm voting on the former. - GS
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Dazed1
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« Reply #14 on: January 03, 2007, 02:19:11 PM »

Hi GS,

I'm so sorry to hear about your being widowed with a young child.  I can only imagine the immense stress, strain and grief you must have experienced.  Hope you are doing better.

What a lovely thing your dad said to you!!!!  Yikes!!!  I imagine you must have felt so abandoned and rejected.

To a certain extent, you are "lucky" that your parents were diagnosed because at least that gives you some confirmation as to what you're dealing with.  My parents were never diagnosed and they shunned any therapy.  So, I'm just guessing as to their Nism based on their behaviors.

Whereas your dad actually said to you that you have an obligation to him, my mom always said "I never want to be a burden", which, in hindsight and based on the fact that I was enmeshed with her, really meant "I will be the focase of your life". 

dazed
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