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Garbanzo
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« Reply #1455 on: May 06, 2012, 05:08:33 PM »

P: Contrary to what magazines show people, I think we are all supposed to age. I think it's just part of the life cycle you know.
I read somewhere that it's healthy and normal for people to add on a little bit of weight. That it's normal not to have six pack abs.
You know, if you go to a gym in the women's shower room NOBODY EVER looks like the airbrushed Victoria Secret people.
I haven't seen it. Maybe in Exclusive L.A. gyms everyone looks like Baywatch but not where I live. People just look like regular imperfect and odd nude people with cellulite and rolls or whatever and wine-stain birthmarks. Even the young people I've seen in the gym, they are all quirky.  

Nah, don't give up, maybe just give it a rest until you feel in the mood to do it. Also sometimes it's okay to try a lot of things I think. There is something to be said for comfy and classic.

Belts, they dress a lot of stuff up. You can wear comfy pants with a nice longish top and a belt over it.  Well I don't know if you can wear that to a country club--that would be hard for me to feel at ease doing. I don't think I have ever been to a country club ever (surprise).

Well, maybe you are just in the process of finding a new style. I find things that work and then I do it to death for years I go on auto pilot-"Slacks and sweaters"--I did it for years. I didn't wear jeans for about 8 years but now I've found it to be practical so I wear jeans again now.

There is a woman here, she has a shirt made out of a real flour sack. It's white and has some kind of blue bold lettering print on it.
 She is sort of a hippy type. I guess it's a fringe revival thing.


http://www.angelpig.org/floursack/floursack.html


« Last Edit: May 07, 2012, 02:25:21 AM by Starlight » Logged
sKePTiKal
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« Reply #1456 on: May 07, 2012, 07:29:06 AM »

LOL... that pix is great, Star!! You know, it kinda reminds me... at one time, I really thought I should start wearing a burkha (not that much different than a floursack dress) - because almost everything is hidden under it. That there was some real wisdom (in the beginning) to the style.

Naw, belts always hit right at the wrong place right now and are too short! I don't think they make pretty belts in horse-harness lengths... LOL!!!!

I haven't gotten larger side to side... it's that dreaded belly fat that's the problem; and higher up, too. That's only been an issue since menopause, you know. And it's definitely not a matter of calories ingested to calories burned... that's why I'm trying to re-balance hormones. And my D insists that I can and should do, some core ab work (and she might be on to something... those muscles also affect lower back... and I have had sciatica issues; despite my back strength I've always had weak stomach muscles). No, I'm not trying to turn back the clock and I've never been willing to invest the amount of time in how I "look" that's required for those people who go on camera. But this current "condition" simply doesn't feel good - and doesn't feel like me. And it's ONLY in that area; I look my butt's shrunk!! I can still wrap my right hand around my left wrist... and almost around my ankles.

Which brings me to an idea I haven't really talked about here. I have this chameleon reflex - unconsciously imitating the people I'm around. I try to be aware of it... and consciously resist mimicking... try to be a little more present than that. Well, the friend I've currently been closest to lately is way heavier than I am. And I know I've done this weird thing in the past - like with my best friend from HS, who's only 5-2... I slouch and try not to be so tall with her (unconsciously)... and I wonder if this extra weight is kinda like that? Like I'm changing myself to match my heavy friend... so she doesn't feel so bad? (and can ya hear all the dysfunctional crap in that idea??? If dysfunction were under the EPA, I might've been designated a "superfund site".) There's just so much wrong with that, that I kinda suspect there's some real truth in it. My mom's always been 190 lbs or heavier; she's only 5-4.

And maybe - maybe this is all some sort of hangover from all the other emotional stuff I've jettisoned; like the last clinging, hypochondriac-style, OCD-subliminal-scapegoat-designated "responsible", "independent" kid foo-role sludge... and it's all just waiting for me to remember what my T taught me: how to take a great big emotional sh*%&t. Stop thinking about it, stop the anxiety-treadmill, fergeddaboutit, and go do something fun or interesting instead. Read my HAM radio textbook. Clean up my sewing room and put everything away. Stop "talking" about doing something and just go "do it".

One more idea: The CEO of weight watchers is a guy. He explained that women do better with support, to stay on track... but men do better with competition. Except he thought women could also benefit from "friendly" competition. I've always responded to statements of - No, You can't do that - with a knock your socks off response; an "I'll show you". I've been really competitive, in other words. It's one of the defining aspects of hubs & my relationship even. I think I'm going to look for ways to put "challenge" into "wish, want"... I'll let you know if that works!

By the way, Star - I read this blog sometimes and the latest one, almost brought tears. It was dead-on descriptive of my FOO and who I was in it. I kinda thought you might find a glimmer of a reflection in it too. It's titled "Independent to a Fault":

http://everyoneneedstherapy.blogspot.com/


Thanks for chatting! I still need that kind of connection... you know?
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Garbanzo
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« Reply #1457 on: May 08, 2012, 01:37:59 AM »

Okay, No belts.

I hate sit-ups. There is an exercise you can do on your knees and the cross pull weight thingy. You kneel down and pull the weighted pulley thingy over your shoulder so you bend down. It isolates the stomach muscles better, doesn't strain the neck.  

I personally think there is a weird emotional component to stomach largeness. Like the emotions are held in that region?
Very new-agey. I thought at one point when I had a weird emotional shift my stomach/tummy area visually changed as well.  

Have you tried all the "gluten intolerance" trendy stuff? Bread makes me bloaty. And bread is something that I get a lot of because its available.


« Last Edit: May 08, 2012, 02:22:11 AM by Starlight » Logged
sKePTiKal
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« Reply #1458 on: May 08, 2012, 08:59:37 AM »

I think there's something to the idea about holding emotions in the body, Star. Like swallowing & processing negativity (hoping you won't get any on you)... or not letting something go... or heck, even like "insulation"... hiding behind...

I guess being able to think of examples would kinda point to my being enough like that... that if the shoe fits...

But for sure, pilates, yoga, and anything that targets the core muscles is called for. Swimming laps, even. Now to figure out how I can get someone to give me a push IRL... to get started. I'll put on the clothes, clear the floor, put in the disk even... and full stop. Just like a lot of other things, too. I get so ticked off at myself for this... that when I finally do get started I over do and sometimes injure myself. The old self-harm cycle, I guess. I need someone to say: betcha can't do this... or keep up... so that's the direction I'm going to go in... right after I.....  (which is the way it always is... sigh). I break all my appts with myself... because something else is more important... someone else needs something... and then I slide right on down the "list" until we're out of day... and repeat.

I don't buy a lot of hype about gluten intolerance. I do know some people who really are - they're seriously allergic to gluten. But grains were some the first domesticated plants; humans have been eating them for a long, long, long time. Maybe whole grains are healthier - in that the "good stuff" is usually in the bran; and maybe overly processed grain - the stuff that's left over in white flour or white rice - is edible... but just empty calories. Or maybe people break down into different food "types"** - like personality types - my hubby eats a lot of protein and starch. Doesn't gain a pound and he's the physically laziest person I've been around. Mentally, he's hyperactive though. I'm thinking I just need to completely give up animal protein for awhile (I'll still eat fish & eggs). I don't even have a taste for meat; it's boring... but I'll like the sound of brown rice & broccoli... a bulger salad... lentils... all stuff my hubs asks: what IS that?

**This idea keeps coming back to me. The medical people are trying to say from on high: THESE are the new food rules to be healthy. And then, a year or two later, they change their minds or a new study proves the opposite. What I'm thinkin' is that for a certain food-type person those rules WERE right. But for some other folks, it's absolutely the wrong thing to do. Just like the hormone supplements I'm taking... "may cause drowsiness" the label says. But in me - it does just the opposite; it's like a mega caffiene rush. Not everything is like that, either... though if I drink too much coffee, it does actually put me to sleep. Some of these herbs, I can actually sense a change in how my brain is working - like some pile of dusty stuff has been shoved to the side, windows thrown open, and there's a nice fresh breeze blowing in. And that's using a way smaller dose than recommended. I've had to adjust a whole lot, to be able to still feel "kinda normal"; doesn't take much to make me feel "race-y"... zoom-zoom... but the downside is halfway through a sentence I'll go blank or I'll get where I'm going & forget what I was going to do. (There is some recognized connection with hormones and neuro-activity and health. But that's not my interest... it's losing that tummy fat.)

Example: people with type2 diabetes or insulin resistance... or "x factor" even (a metabolic precursor to other crap)... diet is critically important for these folks and the whole glycemic index diet seems to help a lot. But it's not right for everyone. I keep wondering how the generation of kids who were given soy milk instead of whole cow's milk will fair with osteoporosis in the future. Maybe they'll be just fine. But does this mean some will develop an intolerance for dairy products? Because they haven't had it?

And how would a doc (or a mom even) be able to tell what kind of "food type" someone is? There aren't any types defined yet... but if we had the job of defining them... what would they be? And I wonder, would your personal food type change in different life stages??
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sKePTiKal
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« Reply #1459 on: May 08, 2012, 10:15:08 AM »

It's funny how casual conversations can lead to ideas. I've just gotten one, from this particular one.

It's as if I have a phobia - an irrational fear - about taking care of myself; doing what I know I know how to do, that I need to do... and I most definitely know why this is, after all this time.

It deserves a thread unto itself. Thanks - bunches! - Star.
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Garbanzo
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« Reply #1460 on: May 16, 2012, 03:17:38 AM »

Like what type of taking care of yourself?
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sKePTiKal
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« Reply #1461 on: May 16, 2012, 07:22:24 AM »

Oh hon, the list is so boring - it's the same old crap:

lose 20 lbs (and eating healthier)
quit smoking
start practicing tai chi regularly
update my wardrobe

Those sorts of things. I was trained to associate those sorts of self-care with people who are stuck-up, arrogant, self-indulgent to a fault, bossy, selfish, (or deluded), or ..... well, just N. People who have the time... who aren't (a victim) like the mom-mantra tape goes in my head: working, taking care of kids or others, "getting things done", yadda - yadda, BS... That "self-sacrificing" victim list is full of things that are supposed to be so "important" -- that I must (if I have any sense) abuse myself, crack the whip, go on & on without rest or assessing "progress"... and if I drop in my tracks, I'm still a failure because I wasn't strong enough to endure.

I would really like to be able to this part of my self, surgically removed. Erased, f-disk'd, deleted. Long story. And it ties in so well with the idea I was getting (and something else I've been thinking about)... but I guess it hasn't gelled enough for me to start that thread. And I'm still kinda obligated to finishing up all the self-created misery/abuse I referred to above... the evil "to-do list" of things.
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Garbanzo
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« Reply #1462 on: May 17, 2012, 03:37:29 AM »

The same old crap is new all over again? Sort of like when fashion designers bring back the 70's and the 80's and the peplum whenever that was popular.

Maybe there is something about looking at the same old crap differently or just closer. Or not.
Look at this flip flops:

http://www.oasap.com/creepers/8012-rhinestone-embellished-flip-flop-style-sandals-with-skidproof-sole.html

http://www.fibiandclo.com/Shop/   ----I bet Walmart has something like this.  Laughing

For the losing weight thing. How about just doing the physical exercises that make you feel good and forget about losing the 20lbs.

Remember *** Do the activity for 15 mins a day every day***  

I wish I was doing tai chi also, I only tried it for a month or two then I moved to another area and didn't have access to the same teacher, of course there are people everywhere that do it. I walk a lot. I wonder if there is like a sit in your chair version of tai chi for elderly people?

When I can't get out of bed (hasn't been a problem lately but it was in the past) I would just rotate my arms in bed like I was swimming it would help me get up. Maybe you can make up like a lazy tai chi routine? I wonder what is the minimum amount of time a person needs to do tai chi per day to get some benefit from it...hum. It's sort of a long--slow descent into the flow of it. Maybe it can't be abbreviated that much.  

Smoking. Did you ever try patches and like prozac just for the duration of quitting? Did you talk to your doctor about all of the supportive tactics they have. Like phone consultants. There are "quit lines" or something.
My mother did quit about after seven or so times, she tried a lot, now its been like 10 years or something she doesn't do it anymore.

I'm wearing a purple gypsy/greek/maternity type top that is used. Its new to me. Used jeans.
Sometimes it doesn't have to be like perfect great stuff, it just needs to be different that's all.

I get lots of random stuff that is donated. If I like something I ferret it away and then another piece comes along that goes with it sometimes. And then sometimes I just wear frumpy stuff.

I have stinky tennis shoes. I walk a lot and I wear them out and I get dirt inside of them.

I'm pretty thin but I still have to try on a lot of stuff until I find something that fits me properly and is the right color etc. Doesn't really matter what a person's body type is, I think it is work if you are not having fun doing it.

Silky fluttery light as air stuff fabric is in style for summer. You could just start by spending a few days trying to find a pair of sandals you really like. That shouldn't be too hard right? Fun shoes.  

If you are retired you get to just have stuff you enjoy though right? It doesn't have to be business appropriate.
Are you just trying to pick out stuff for country club events? It doesn't sound like you are getting much personal enrichment out of it.



« Last Edit: May 17, 2012, 04:33:01 AM by Starlight » Logged
Garbanzo
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« Reply #1463 on: May 17, 2012, 03:48:53 AM »

I'm not encouraging Peplums, I doubt it's a trend that will last long but we can always look at them:
It's like a dust ruffle for a woman's thighs.

http://whatshaute.com/index.php/2011/09/haute-buy-aqua-klingon-peplum-skirt/

http://theglitterguide.com/2012/02/29/style-file-peplum/

http://www.the949styleguide.com/2012/01/pretty-peplum.html
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sKePTiKal
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« Reply #1464 on: May 17, 2012, 07:55:33 AM »

Peplums got their start back in the early 40s, I think. BUT - the idea was a modified version of the really old crinoline or hoop skirts... which you could probably trace all the way back to the mideaval styles of royalty... Elizabeth I, and Shakespeare's day.

Between the pollen counts, the seesaw changes in barometric pressure (I am a human barometer) in my sinuses, being physically tired -- and disgusted with myself for something that I am still trying to work out and be able to talk about -- I think I'm just a tad depressed. Can't quite accept a real "time out" to rest/recover... really, really need the "mothering", comfortable, chatty conversation we're having... and think I'm a slob for needing it, too. So, I know I'm partly responsible for how I feel right now - and meh! - I'm just not motivated to change it right now, either. (This will come back to haunt me -- and then I'll be PO'd again -- when I try to move mountains, to get caught up with all the stuff that needs "doing" right now -- but I'm just not into it so I'm ignoring it.)

I thought maybe my happy, hippie hairdresser would perk me up yesterday -- but we didn't talk much. I practically fell asleep in the chair tho - that's how deeply relaxed I let myself be. He was cool with that. And maybe I needed that too. No thought, just drifty... and I found out the band Hot Tuna is still touring! HaHa... the drummer's in his 70s and needed to be helped onto his drum kit onstage. Kinda scary picture, when you think about it. I need to dig out their CD if I have it... I can't remember the one speed guitar song they had on the radio, that I liked.

And - this odd thought crossed my mind - that since the weekend, when we went up to the old house to work and get it on the market... I wondered if maybe way underneath the "causes" of my meltdown was the fact of grieving the "letting go" of it. Hubs actually had a breakthrough the other direction - everything, with very limited exceptions, in his garage was up for grabs or headed for the landfill (thanks to the kindness of a group of people way younger than us). He and I have only lived one other place than that house, too. A huge part of "us" wrapped up in it... and letting that go...  but we're not firmly engaged in the new house/community yet. We're both working on that, differently - together & apart.

What about you Star? are you still working with the same T? You sound like you're in a pretty "clear" space right now; like you're getting more solid and building up energy to have a "next phase"...
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Garbanzo
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« Reply #1465 on: May 18, 2012, 03:42:33 AM »

I've heard of Hot Tuna, but maybe not heard them. You're a barometer.  Laughing That made me laugh.

Allergies can make a person feel tired, I have heard that from doctors I think or read it.

Maybe our bodies have to adjust to new seasons?
Today, I started wondering if I had mono or some sort of thing, no cold or flu symptoms just super tired, I drink too much coffee and then stay up too late is part of it. I looked at the clock at 4 PM and still didn't feel fully awake though. It could be like, pre-menopausal, PMS, seasonal transitional disorder.

Well, there is a very very large mosquito hanging out around me, I don't want to wake up with a bite on my eyelid.
I don't know where it went, it's stealthy and doesn't hhrrrrrmm at all. I'm slapping anywhere my hair tendrils hit my skin.
I wish I had one of those mosquito halos around my bed.

Probably will be good to sell the old house and get it over with. I think you are grieving it, that doesn't sound so weird though.
I mean the old house vs. the new house it's symbolic.

Well, ya it sounds like letting go of the old house is weighing on you. It's obviously been a big transition for you guys.

Are you guys going to travel after you get the old house taken care of?

No, I'm not seeing the therapists right now. Was a community grant for a limited amount of visits, not sure if I have any visits left. Last time I went we were just doing "career counseling". I'm just as miserable as I always am but whatever. C'est la vie.  

I'm going over to my mother's house tomorrow. It's her birthday. Feh.

I think I have pre-menopause!! I said that before.

Today I cut the sleeves off of a hand-me down tan suede leather jacket and I think I may have ruined it. The shoulder-pads and lining had to come out also. I'm not sure what to do with the edges since I don't have a sewing machine. Thought I would just rustically do some sort of hand sewing around the arm holes because that is the style but sort of decided maybe it's not worth the time. Maybe it is. I'm not sure. It's washable leather I like that.

I've got a bottle of cod liver oil pills sitting on a dresser.
Next to it is dried peas.
Deodorant
Packets of shampoo
My grandfathers radio that I listen to at night
A piece of paper that I sign saying that I took out the communal garbage   Rolling Eyes
There was a green worm that came off of wildflowers on the dresser that got flicked out the window

I have a bunch of poppy seeds I collected from last year. I want to stand on this overpass area and throw them down onto the industrial area below that just has a lot of dirt and abandoned half torn down weird buildings. I wonder if the poppies will get round-up-ed if I do that? There is not a whole lot growing down there. I know it's not very subversive but it still feels naughty.

Going to lay down flat and see if I fall asleep

« Last Edit: May 18, 2012, 03:54:49 AM by Starlight » Logged
sKePTiKal
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« Reply #1466 on: May 18, 2012, 08:11:20 AM »

I think you're probably coming down with "pre-mom-o-pause".

We used to call it "the curse"... and since I've got through the whole menopause stage (albeit about 10 years early)... I gotta tell ya - it's great to not have to deal with that anymore! Sometimes, I detect lingering echoes of PMS... the emotional, monthly "uptick" in tension...feeling adrift in a dark empty universe or like some weepy, helpless, marshmallowy, vapory female characiture (sp?).

The house thing is weird, because we moved 2 years ago. LOVE living here. Hubs had lots & lots of "stuff" - not valuable, not anything we need here - in the big garage. The only attachment I have to the place is (pos) = all my plants; the baby trees that are now 15 ft tall; the thick raspberry bushes and (neg) = all the projects I needed (in my head only) to complete before selling the house. (Memories are too ethereal to call them "attachments"; it's the people in the memories - not the place - that I'm attached to.)

Sign went up in front of the house on Monday, this week. Yesterday, I received a full-price cash offer. NONE of the "to-do" list is done yet. None. These people are buying it "as is"... tho they are going through the inspection hoops. Which probably means we'll negotiate price. Make the trek BACK up there one more time... sell the remaining furniture, bring back a few things, and trash lots more. 30 days till closing. I honestly didn't expect this; in fact I told the realtor the worst thing that could happen would be selling it quickly - because of what's left to do - it's a 6 hour drive for us.

My pool looked great when we got home on Monday; by today - it's green. I think it's because of another wave of pollen. So I took a kid's Claritin last night and I do feel better. Allergies could very well have been part of how I felt. The other part is just simple cognitive dissonance - the dislocation feeling of being at the old house - it being familiar/unfamiliar at the same time. Coming back to the new house... and just trying to feel used to where the fridge is, how I work in the kitchen... where the light switches are and what kind they are... you know?

After the house up there is all done, I want to start looking for an "escape hatch". A little place on the mainland, easy to maintain and live in, away from the beaten path... fairly easy to get to, in case we have to "run" from a big hurricane. Our beach house is big and well-located and felt like a rock-solid fortress during Irene. We have tools, camping gear & a generator & even the windows are hurricane-rated up to 100 mph impacts. I could and probably will add hurricane shutters on the east side of the house. We were "comfortable" enough for 3 days on generator power. But, being a realist I know that the next storm will be different; it could be lots stronger; it could have more wind than Irene did; the impacts could be completely different next time. Being of a "survivor" mentality - I always prepare, update my preparations, and keep the "worst case scenario" in mind and try to plan for that too - without letting it obsess me or freak me out. Having a place to "bug out to" - without imposing myself on other people or needing food & shelter - a place that can be self-sufficient without electricity (and I have most of what I need already for that scenario) is sort of like a security blankie for me.

I've done my share of travelling. Hubs doesn't like to fly anymore than I do. We're not "cruise" people. "Adventure" for the sake of adventure doesn't appeal to me. We just like to live each day, enjoying the simple things in life, doing what we have to or want to, to sleep well at night and wake up the next morning with the day wide open in front of us. We're easily entertained and comfortable doing next to nothing. The only adventure I would like to undertake is the week-long horseback, fishing & camping trip from the north rim of the Grand Canyon to Bryce, in Utah. I'm not currently physically up to that, I don't think. But it's just such a great feeling being horseback out west - very few fences and the freedom to cover large distances in any direction you want to go. If I don't get to do that - oh well. I can imagine it, having had a couple of those experiences already.

The thing with selling the house - a place I lived in with intensity - is that there's the idea that I'm giving up or letting go a part of me. Like my identity is magically entwined with a certain place. It's a crazy, dumb idea - rationally. I know that I can be "at home in the homeless home" - anywhere I am, I am making my mark on the world, the people in it, and my journey in some ways... is that "homeless home". And the feelings of grief, nostalgia, longing... the what-if questions... all those feelings are like labor pains -- the birth of something new. That ole wheel o' life just keeps turning and I can either turn with it or make life difficult for myself by resisting. This is simply one part of that whole process.

Well, time to put on my redneck, hard-headed businesswoman hat & stilettos and take care of the details of the next part of this process. We have to start planning on the completion of the "emptying" process up there; one or two more trips... and before that, we have to unload the truckload we brought back on Monday. It's rained every day here, since then. Back later.
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Garbanzo
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« Reply #1467 on: May 27, 2012, 10:45:10 PM »

Just watched the movie "The Informant" I wonder if the main character who was a real person could have been or IS Narcissistic.
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Garbanzo
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« Reply #1468 on: June 22, 2012, 03:32:47 AM »

I'm not sure where to put this, I'm just thinking or learning out-loud. Under the reading list for this board there is an author who published a Narcissists diary in which it stated that:  "I love to be hated".

Meaning that the bad feelings the Narcissists elicits in others --maybe are intentional to make their victims hate them?

I have noticed this. You know that weird smirk that they get on their faces when they have pissed (me) off so much and I am downright hateful.

And they LOVE it?

It just never occurred to me that they love to be hated. I mean why would it occur to me?

So hate and fear are part of the "Narcissistic supply" and they thrive on the hateful and fearful attention. REALLY?? Scrunch face.

Cross eyes. really...
« Last Edit: June 22, 2012, 03:37:06 AM by Mild Salsa » Logged
Garbanzo
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« Reply #1469 on: June 22, 2012, 03:46:27 PM »

http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/lookout/bullying-bus-monitor-sparks-amazing-compassion-campaign-video-143135242.html

The woman bullied on bus--and campaign that raised money to send her on vacation.

Now there's going to be people faking this so they can make money. (sorry, I know so jaded and cynical)


« Last Edit: June 22, 2012, 08:57:37 PM by Mild Salsa » Logged
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