Author Topic: Fall Stuff  (Read 226 times)

Twoapenny

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2683
Re: Fall Stuff
« Reply #15 on: October 12, 2018, 11:18:42 AM »
Thank you, ((((Tupp))))!

Now I can take one other anxiety off my list, that everybody on VESMB suddenly disappeared, never to be heard from again!  :?

I love thinking about you being so near the ocean and enjoying those gorgeous dawns and twilights. You actually did it. You made it. You are there.

I bet living near the ocean changes things in body and mind in a lovely way. Though watching what just happened in Florida with a Cat. 5 is sobering. Is where you are UPHILL from the water?

I am still a little sobered and you're right, I should make a dr. appt. Just to have him give it a listen. Thanks for the reminder. This was for me a Cat. 4 anxiety attack and I'd love to never have another. It'd been years, despite everything. Was sorry to break the streak.

But all is well. Going to a small art opening at a winery later today with the kind folks I work for. Just as a friend. So I'm touched that the wife has reached out.

Hope you're doing better and that keeps on...BTW, this is the type of therapy the potential new T practices. When I read the site and watched the founder's video, I thought: that is what I'm missing. www.aedpinstitute.org

love
Hops

Lol, yes, I would be completely lost without the forum!  It's been quiet, I've been processing a lot and it's good but tiring so I've been checking in but not much else.  We are a very long way from both the sea and the river in terms of flood problems, and uphill from both as well so no worries for us on that front but yes, I find being near water so soothing and calming.  This time of year is great as the holiday makers and warm weather surfers have packed up for the year (too cold now) so the only people out are the real surfing fanatics that go out whatever the weather.  I just love being around people that have a passion for something.

The art event sounds lovely, I hope you enjoy that :)  And yes, a quick check up with the doctor, just to be on the safe side.  Those panic attacks are very unpleasant to deal with so I hope this one was just a blip and you won't be troubled again.  I will have a look at that website later; I'm glad you've found someone that has lit that light for you xx xx

sKePTiKal

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3793
Re: Fall Stuff
« Reply #16 on: October 12, 2018, 12:01:11 PM »
Sorry you felt the lack of posts here, Hops! I've been on the road (and not reading) a LOT, and not doing much of anything online the past week. We got in last night and have just about got "the trip" stuff cleaned up... and almost back into our "regularly scheduled programming".

That therapy sounds as if it would be VERY beneficial for you Hops. (And it holds some attraction for me, too.) Panic attacks are really awful things to go through. Not unusual, though. My HS BFF was telling me on this trip, that she just had one - again - after many years free of them, due to losing her Dad. I've had my share... and other more "meltdown" type things.

My brother insisted I visit his new house (almost an hour from our meeting location) and of course, my Mom is there. Maybe you remember my last face to face with my Mom... LOL. I didn't want to; have enough on my plate with the next generation mother-daughter stuff. But I got talked into it anyway. It WAS fun to talk to my brother now. His divorce and his years of counseling have had a real positive impact on his interpersonal functionality.

I'd gotten a voicemail while following brother to his house and didn't hear the phone; expected it to be him about lunch locations. I didn't check it till later and it was my mom, complaining because I didn't let her know I was going up there; hysterically claiming she was going to move out - somewhere - at 85 and multiple health problems; and basically embodying the "negative person stereotype". It doesn't affect me much anymore, but I took a tongue-lashing from the D about my not wanting to see my mom... and how I needed to get past it and find other ways to deal with her. She isn't entirely "wrong" about her observations... but she's not entirely "right" either.

And I've been unwilling to even think about it or look at it while on the road.

Hope you're enjoying this gorgeous fall weather Hops! It's a great day for a walk.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

Hopalong

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 11084
Re: Fall Stuff
« Reply #17 on: October 13, 2018, 11:17:59 AM »
No apologies, Amber!  8)
It's no problem, this here's all optional, ain't it? (Just picture a big-eyed waif painted by the weird big-eyed-waif-painting-lady-whose-husband-claimed-credit, clutching a laptop while looking out terrified at a post-apocalyptic landscape...)

Ahhh, now I feel better.

Happy to hear from you but really sorry about the family things, esp your mother. I noticed (forgive, it's compulsive) that you used passive voice three times in describing all of that, and it it me that maybe that reflected a little piece of residual helplessness that her toxicity injects. (Bro insisted, got talked into, received a tongue lashing...). I was picturing you saying I choose NOT to x or y, I am LEAVING this convo for a bit... But then saw it as more a bit of frozen helplessness.

I know. That's not an (((((Amber))))) word. But we all still have that vulnerable inner child, and I could see her getting buffeted a bit. I know, know, know, you will regain your feet in the wise and deep-thoughtful way you always do. Don't ever let the "one step back" make you forget your math, okay?

I do feel better, though my chest is still tight and I know the old Big A[nx] is back to wrestle with. I have a doc appt Weds to check ticker and discuss maybe, one, short-term, round of something Rx.... If it's typical, I'll suggest or he'll offer (I'm thinking buproprion) and I'll get the Rx, take it once or twice and quit. I just hate brain meds. But if the Big A is back for a long round... I'll try to be sensible.

Going out yesterday another wave, felt faint by the car and heart pounded again. I tend to get a bit almost agoraphoby when the Big A hits, it's just hard to deal publicly. Chit chat while managing even mild Anx is nearly impossible. Went to the art gallery thing and fortunately it was in a gorgeous mountain setting, small crowd, and lovely friend/employer artist was just happy to see me, as was her dear hubs. So I did a wine tasting (self medicating much?) and got through it okay. Felt instantly better once home and back in the escape pod (bed with laptop).

Sigh. One day at a time.

The big thing for me with the Big A is that when one is over-sensing/fearing own heart, it's tough to take a vigorous walk. Still doing walks with my friend every Weds but need to amp that up. Another question for doc, is there a supervised PREVENTIVE rather than rehab kind of exercise program? Probably so. I just hate gyms and it's hard to explain both the trigger-back AND the Big A to a busy trainer who's just into getting everyone leaping about.

End of whine.

You're right, it's beautiful out.  :?

Lots of love,
Hops
« Last Edit: October 13, 2018, 02:19:12 PM by Hopalong »
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

sKePTiKal

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3793
Re: Fall Stuff
« Reply #18 on: October 14, 2018, 09:14:58 AM »
Hops, as I understand "stuff" - walking is the preventative and it's low-impact enough to not cause other issues, as a result. Maybe it's time to increase distance a bit? or add in a hill? You want to get your heart rate up - MODERATELY and repeat often - to be "aerobic". So that you're not overdoing it, or going past your body's need to "rest & recover"... before getting the heart rate up again. Small time frames to start - 2 mins, 5 mins, 10 mins, 15... This is how one builds muscle, gets stronger and increases stamina without over-exerting yourself.

Hol & I both know - for us - that the best anti-anxiety Rx is physical activity. Pick a kind - any kind! There is something about "being centered in your body", even for a limited amount of time, that counteracts the jangly oversensitive sympathetic nervous system... by engaging the parasympathetic system. My downfall is being too head-centered, more often than not. (Could be an ego-thing too.)

Hol & I are month 3 of trying to live together (with a month off for her road trip) and it's going pretty well, all things considered. But it certainly made the visit to my mom more complicated - due to her observations and way of expressing them - for me. I think we sorted it all out.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

Hopalong

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 11084
Re: Fall Stuff
« Reply #19 on: October 14, 2018, 09:36:40 PM »
Thanks (((((Amber)))).

I do know how exercise works (I used to write books for the biggest consumer health publisher in the US and interviewed top medical experts for years--plus reading about health and nutrition constantly, still do). It's not lack of knowledge, it's that the big A causes something like mild agorophobia, plus an irrational fear of exercising alone. I hate and feel ashamed of that and know it's irrational, but...it is what it is. If the tachycardia kicks in when I'm alone blocks from home, and I faint as a result, would feel pretty awful. So that's why I'm hoping there may be a *supervised* (hence, with expert help and company) preventive cardiac exercise program I can afford. Will ask the doc Weds.

I know you and H can work things through. I think I was reacting to a mild sense that you sounded mildly muted. Amber muted? Made me over-reach in advice! 'Cause I love you. (And, non-objectively, 'cause I have a distorted fear of family.)

Happier note? Got a kind and intelligent reply on the find-a-geezer website from a man only two hours away. Hmm. I've ignored that site for months, but as the cold and dark return, this seems to be a time I'm more willing to submit to the incredible tedium of wading through messages, fending off the automated inquiries, and sifting for the gents who are willing to actually compose a sentence or two, instead of the click-one-button to tell her: Wanna Chat? Like Yer Pic! Feel Free to Send Me a Message (since I'm not going to bother to write you one...) kind of thing. He did and I'm pleased. And after ignoring my Inbox there for months I did find a few reasonable and sane and pleasant overtures. Amid the "here's a cool selfie of me in my bathroom" ones that just kind of break my heart for them.

Maybe THIS time....? Or not. But it felt like a good thing to do today.

Back in the saddle tomorrow with car inspection, a T visit (same T, haven't seen the possible new one yet), library (bit of a walk there), grocery shop, and my young pal (30s, old office-mate art director guy who likes to share his life-stuff, which I just love hearing) coming by for a beer in the evening. Coming back to life.

xxxooo
Hops
« Last Edit: October 14, 2018, 09:42:44 PM by Hopalong »
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Twoapenny

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2683
Re: Fall Stuff
« Reply #20 on: October 15, 2018, 03:55:40 AM »
I'm glad you're coming back to life, Hops :)  And I hope there is some sort of exercise group you can go to.  Do you have walking groups there?  We have 'Walking For Health' here, regular meet ups (usually weekly), generally over relatively flat ground, people can chat as they walk or keep to themselves depending on preference.  What's the big A, if you don't mind me asking? Anxiety? I hope the doc has something to recommend at any rate.  They do quite a lot here for people in different situations with regards to exercise; there are the usual private classes but also quite a lot of things like Chairobics (exercise sitting down) and 'gentle' keep fit for people getting back to health after a set back of some kind.  I hope you find something similar.

I love the idea of a 'Find A Geezer' website :)  Sounds so much more fun than calling it dating or lonely hearts :) Lol.  Kind and intelligent sounds good, Hops, although I'm slightly concerned that people continue to send bathroom selfies!  I've just never understood it but hey ho.  Sounds like virtual flashing to me.  It would be nice for you to have a pleasant distraction so I hope nice chap at least turns in to some nice chats :) I hope your appointments go well and chap coming over for beer and chat sounds lovely! xx

Hopalong

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 11084
Re: Fall Stuff
« Reply #21 on: October 15, 2018, 07:32:56 AM »
Thanks, Tupp!

Yes, there are walking groups. The "big A" does mean anxiety. Stupidly, groups of strangers hiking at different paces are A triggers...I can never tell when asthma will happen and because of the big A, if it's surging (happens to be now) I rarely go to those. I do walk with close friends with whom I feel no embarrassment.

The reason I'd like a medically supervised ex program like something you mention is because it is medically supervised, which will help me feel safe, as I feel like an infant when the A is aggravated. Once that genie is back in its bottle, I won't need the coddling, I hope.

The nice geezer wrote and seems very intelligent and I look forward to meeting him. He did use various phrases that made it sound as though he's into a lot of space, having "outgrown" the need for daily interaction, etc etc. But then mentioned that if the right bells ring, nothing would get in the way. So if one can tell from writing, maybe he's commitment-phobic, but I may be over-interpreting. It's much better for me to ask direct questions. Or to be perverse, I could jolly him along to our first lunch meeting (somewhere soon to enjoy the fall colors) and sit down with a bright smile and go, "Hi! I'm husband hunting!" and see how long it takes him to fall under the table. Heh heh.

Anyway, we'll see. I enjoy the process even when it doesn't take, usually. And I'm a little commitment-phobic myself. He also said he's looking for someone to "hang out with" which doesn't sound like commitment either. I don't know if that's pre-emptive, if he's so appealing he's swamped with contenders, or what. But I usually find my guts will give me some good hints off the bat. I hope I can trust them.

I liked the fact that at my age he still works FT, sounds quite vital, and even has an 11 year-old son who's with him summers, etc. He's divorced. Who knows. I'm curious and open but not gonna go too far with fantasies, I hope.

With boyfriend B, I was attracted at first, but wish I had acted on my realizations faster when his controlling, entitlement personality stuff surfaced. I do spend a lot of time understanding men, and think it might serve me better just to react to them in a quicker way. B. wasn't evil but I sure felt strongly confirmed in my decision to end it the last time I saw him, when he both grabbed and kissed me unexpectedly...felt uncomfortable and again, his felt like a "taking touch" rather than a giving of affection. My whole being went whew, dodged that bullet, as I left. It wasn't fear of touch, it was dislike of that kind of touch. No real connection because he was always taking charge. No space for me to move toward him because he was always pressing.

Anyhow, new fella may be different. Or elusive. We'll see, and it's good to remain open to good possibilities.

You know I'll diary it here. Meanwhile, the quotidian beckons and I'm just wanting to keep things gentle, simpler, calmer. Way way way too much emotional stress recently and I'm scaling back on all I can. Health stuff and writing stuff and even work stuff. I need balance.

Ate well this weekend, that was something. Not what Lighter would call cooking but I was pleased. Brown rice and vegs in a few different formats. Siracha mayo makes everything better, even an egg!

Hugs
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Twoapenny

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2683
Re: Fall Stuff
« Reply #22 on: October 15, 2018, 08:20:09 AM »
Aw Hops, I didn't realise that walking with strangers would trigger anxiety, that does make it difficult for you to do regularly.  Yes I see what you mean about the medical supervision aspect, it's just that extra safety layer, isn't it - just in case.  I'm like it with my son with his epilepsy; he hasn't had a seizure for a year and a half now but I still feel anxious about leaving him and feel more comfortable leaving him with people I know can manage the seizure well, should it happen.  So I see what you mean, it makes sense to have that medical expertise on hand, just in case.

Would be so funny if you turn up for your first date with new chap in a wedding dress ;) Lol.  I've said to friends I think that would be a good test of character for someone, whether they see the funny side or not :)  He sounds as if he may just be a 'happy with his life but open to a bit more' sort of a chap and I think they're the best kind - not desperate to settle down or force a relationship to happen but happy to get involved if the right person comes along.  But yes, very difficult to gauge from a few emails and always a danger of reading things that aren't there - better to be direct and find out what's what.  And I'm sorry about your last meeting with B, it doesn't sound nice.  But good that you saw it for what it was.  And brown rice, veggies and siracha mayo sounds yummy :) xx

sKePTiKal

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3793
Re: Fall Stuff
« Reply #23 on: October 15, 2018, 09:04:46 AM »
Yeeeeaaahhhhhhh.... I understand a bit about physical limitations creating anxiety and then a negative feedback loop... right into a self-limitation "idea" of what I can/can't do. Mine is also mixed up with emotional crap. (Isn't aging a bitch?) So, I do understand Hopsie. I hope you find the right situation for you.

Part of my recent "stress" - is that Hol is pushing on this new acceptance of mine, re: physical limitations and social situations. She remembers the mom from 20 years ago, that was still "The Little Engine That Could"... and I know and clearly SEE that that level of activity, to-do's, and multiple things going on, all at the same time... provoke a serious resistance on my part because I don't like how long it takes me to recover, after pushing too hard, too long... to do x, y or z. She is extremely verbal and has the words to explain emotional reality... and it takes me much longer.

But, we're OK. I know her concern comes from a good place and while she's not patient enough to let me talk, ramble, explain... and basically ask why I'm not allowed to reject ideas of things that I've already tried AND DON'T LIKE TO BE ENGAGED IN... I think I found a way to get her to finally start understanding that I'm NOT who I was 20 years ago. She has a hard time, with being still and quiet and just "being"... and doesn't see the value of it YET. So.... the deal we made is we'll both "give" a little on both sides and see what happens.

In particular, she doesn't get how uncomfortable I am in fast-moving cities, with crowds of people. That conversation evolved to the point that she was saying one just filters the chaos out... and I could finally get her to hear that I don't even HAVE that filter... altho I've been trying to acquire one. When I'm tired, out of my comfort zone, or upset/irritated... it's not possible to maintain the concentration necessary for the filter. And then I am fully engaged with lizard brain - even if I have trained it enough to not make a spectacle of myself in escaping or "shutting down".

This is probably what you heard from me Hops. But it sounds worse than it is. It's actually been a pretty fun and easy adaption process to being together so much.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

Hopalong

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 11084
Re: Fall Stuff
« Reply #24 on: October 15, 2018, 01:54:13 PM »
This is SO recognizable to me:
Quote
she was saying one just filters the chaos out... and I could finally get her to hear that I don't even HAVE that filter... altho I've been trying to acquire one. When I'm tired, out of my comfort zone, or upset/irritated... it's not possible to maintain the concentration necessary for the filter.

Funnily enough, it's a spot-on description of the feelings/struggles I've had with my dear T. With the very best of intention, he's often saying to me "One just does XXX" and quickly forgets my core issues with both filters and focus, and his eternal fixit drive (all men, even Ts!) means I'm frustrated because I just have to process, self-protect, move like a sleepy manatee to a point where I'm able to take more on board. Poor guy has been uber-patient.

The possible new T had a cancellation today so I got to see her right after him. It helped a lot that she knows and equally likes current T, and understood what I was describing. After 30 minutes the truth came out--current T tries to work with me to MANAGE the pain and fear cycles I deal with. But what I want (and what attracted me to her modality) is to HEAL what's underneath them.

I've encapsulated the loss of my D. But when more and more stresses pile on, it really is too heavy. I'm already walking around with a cannonball hanging from a chain attached to my heart. I can do that and I am capable of happiness. But to find PEACE is a long, slow thing...must be like Pilates for the self/soul/emotions.

Anyway it may be a few months, and I've still got to check whether my medigap will cover it...but I'm hopeful. If not, I'll take a fresh perspective with existing T, and won't go through panic about that either. All will be well.

love
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Hopalong

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 11084
Re: Fall Stuff
« Reply #25 on: October 15, 2018, 04:38:40 PM »
Tupp, the wedding dress on first date idea is hysterical! If only I had the...eggs.

Would be even funnier if one could hold a straight face and very sincerely say, I'm looking for a casual friend relationship.

You're giving me creative ideas! Wicked you.  :lol:

Hugs
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

sKePTiKal

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3793
Re: Fall Stuff
« Reply #26 on: Today at 10:23:17 AM »
Hops, I think wacky ideas like that go a long way to putting our anxieties into the proper "slot" of importance. There is a subtle difference between Anxiety and "that little voice of intuition"... and perhaps (I'm talking to myself here) not knowing the difference between them, for a fact, is one of the reasons for paralysis or self-limitation.

Risk aversity is another thing involved. "Once burned twice shy" is a truism because it IS true, to an extent. We tend to "learn" to try to avoid mistakes by looking/listening for those signs... and the fear-factor of reliving a past ugly situation piles on top of the intrinsic issues of "I don't matter" (or what I want doesn't matter) conditioning.

But I've been involved in total "over-thinking" & "over-analyzing" space with Hol now long enough that I recognize that it might be possible for her to "see" and decide very quickly what to do - as fast as she processes multi-levels of experiential information, but for me.... my feet get stuck in the emotional mud and creates an additional problem. That of needing a good bit of time to feel I've understood the option and know what I want and to have thought through and weighed the available options and the inherent consequences of those options.

"Flow" or "The Zone" is the total opposite of that space... but that is a solitary experience for me and is impossible with lots of other people around.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

Hopalong

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 11084
Re: Fall Stuff
« Reply #27 on: Today at 10:47:55 AM »
Your flow is YOU and I imagine this adjustment is pretty hard, Amber.
Loads of love involved but you still have your nature and your needs.

I think you're right about a sometime blur between Anx and intuition.

I've gotta critique somebody's story and then prepare to go spend a
few hours with the Magnolia lady I used to help...she asked me to come
back and help a bit as she too is moving to Assisted Living. I kind of
dread it because she's so chaotic, so I'll need to have a firm setting
of serenity. If she triggers me too much I'll "be unavailable" for more.

Hope today goes well and you're not feeling bossed around.
You don't deserve that. Support and company is one thing.

love,
Hops

"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

lighter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 6091
Re: Fall Stuff
« Reply #28 on: Today at 12:52:47 PM »
I'm sorry to read you missed your trip,  and had a panic attack,  ((Hops.))

I've been w/o signal, on a dairy farm, and need to catch up with the board.

Sister comes in tomorrow from Canada, and the kids have not been keeping house for 10 days I've been gone.

Will check Tupps thread, do some stuff, then come back to see what everyone's up to.

Again, I'm so sorry you missed your trip, and had that scare, Hops.

Lighter

Hopalong

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 11084
Re: Fall Stuff
« Reply #29 on: Today at 03:32:42 PM »
Thanks, Lighter.
Good of you to check in...farm time sounds heavenly.
And sounds like you've got lots to catch up on at home,
with kids and company.

Enjoy it ALL! Safe re-entry.

hugs
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."