Author Topic: Fall Stuff  (Read 863 times)

Hopalong

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Fall Stuff
« on: September 19, 2018, 09:56:11 PM »
Had a great day today!
And it goes directly to what I...needy, extrovert, lonesome me...need to do to keep my spirits up. MAKE APPTS WITH PEOPLE. See other hoomins regularly. Sounds simple.

Also, this morning I remembered again...here it comes, light change. So I hauled out my Happylight (SAD green tower light they use in Canadian Coast Guard, did my homework!) and basked in it for 30 minutes this morning). What a difference.

Had my regular Wednesday walk-together with poet pal, plus pooch who'd been thinking I forgot all about how dogs need WALKIES...then we lunched (outside, at a mall cafe, shameless pooch cadging admiration from other lunchers) and then went to a novel workshop we'd both signed up for that turned out to be great. Smart, organized instructor who's going to help participants hone in on the first 50 pages in a really structured, intelligent way. I'm delighted.

Met yet another friend for a beer and fish taco after that...home to feeling normal again, plugged into life, connected with friends...just better.

Thought it'd be nice to share a positive update for a change. Winter will challenge all this but if I remember this lesson, no reason it shouldn't be a good season.

With T this week, got in touch with feelings of shame and identity loss going back to loss of D in my life. Was hard but helpful.

Much xxoos,
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Twoapenny

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Re: Fall Stuff
« Reply #1 on: September 20, 2018, 01:08:04 AM »
That sounds like such a nice day, Hops!  And Pooch must love all the attention when you're out and about as well.  I have just purchased myself a small lightbox (roughly the size of an IPAD)  I'm not sure if it's helping but I did notice yesterday that several people mentioned the dark nights drawing in and I hadn't really noticed it, so I'm not sure if I'm feeling the effects (of the earlier nights) less than I usually would.  It will be interesting to see as winter comes on.  I'm glad that you've got friends near enough to be able to get together with them.  And the novel workshop sounds great!  I'm sorry the session with T was hard but I hope it helps in the long run xx

lighter

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Re: Fall Stuff
« Reply #2 on: September 20, 2018, 07:33:29 PM »
Gosh, that was a bitter sweet post, Hops.

It sounds like you're feeling empowered, and fully in charge of yourself,and choices.

Don't know if that's true, but it steadies me to frame it that way. 

Lighter




Hopalong

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Re: Fall Stuff
« Reply #3 on: September 20, 2018, 09:51:51 PM »
Thank you so much, botha youse.

Tupp, I'm REALLY happy you got yourself an SAD light! That is awesome. I'll be eager to hear how it affects you. For me, it's been subtle but clear. It does help (as long as I remember to DO it every morning.) I'm so glad you're giving your mood that harmless boost. And I've heard the small boxes as long as there are enough lumens are just as effective.

Lighter, I was touched by your read on my post. I don't think all is suddenly fixed but you spotted just how I was feeling after that good day. I hope to have/choose/plan/actually make more of them happen.

Much gratitude,
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Twoapenny

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Re: Fall Stuff
« Reply #4 on: September 21, 2018, 04:43:57 AM »
Thank you so much, botha youse.

Tupp, I'm REALLY happy you got yourself an SAD light! That is awesome. I'll be eager to hear how it affects you. For me, it's been subtle but clear. It does help (as long as I remember to DO it every morning.) I'm so glad you're giving your mood that harmless boost. And I've heard the small boxes as long as there are enough lumens are just as effective.

Lighter, I was touched by your read on my post. I don't think all is suddenly fixed but you spotted just how I was feeling after that good day. I hope to have/choose/plan/actually make more of them happen.

Much gratitude,
Hops

Having good days is a boost, Hops, and I think planning them is so important.  It's just unfortunate that when we're tired or feeling low they tend to be the first thing that we stop doing.  I hope you're able to keep booking them up as the winter months draw in; I'm sure Pooch enjoys them as much as you do :)  And I dare say the people that make a fuss of Pooch enjoy it as well :) xx

lighter

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Re: Fall Stuff
« Reply #5 on: September 21, 2018, 07:52:40 AM »
Hops:

I write about feeling a switch flip when I enter thezine I'd being present, on task and happily engaged at it, sans notice it stress

I'm focusing,now, on what the switch means when it's flipped the wrong way.

Usually I'm engaged in thoughts about the past, it fears about the future.

Perhaps the switch is something I have complete control over, if I can only notice, and bring myself back to where my feet are.

For me, it takes energy to DO that.  It takes less energy to let habits lead, with familiar actions following.  Being engaged in old patterns has it's rewards.  I'm dealing with knowns, no unknowns. 

Fear of success is as real as fear if failure.

It's lovely when the switch flips, and favors us with focus and energy, IME.

Learning to flip it takes work, and energy, IME.  It's exhausting, to be truthful, and that's just noticing and doing it in starts and stutters.

About the light.  A friend goes outside each day at sunrise, and takes in the light by looking left, then right of the sun.  Never directly at it, of course.  He finds this very helpful.  He also goes out near sundown.

Lighter




Hopalong

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Re: Fall Stuff
« Reply #6 on: October 01, 2018, 06:20:30 PM »
Thank you, Lighter.
The light I use feels aquariumy, in an odd way (I use the green-filtered one as it's better for retinas). But I love the image of your neighbor's personal sun salute.

I'll be at the beach Sat-Weds...so looking forward to those walks. Very hard to leave pooch behind this time, but it's a big group that's not dog-friendly. Next year I may organize my own houseful again. This time I'm happy to tag on to someone's else's planning, bless 'em.

Not positive about the wifi so nobody worry if I don't post for a bit!

I've been taking things a bit slower since Ngent died and when I get back, need to recruit some new people to help. Fortunately, I've learned over the last two years that this work is never going to be hard to find--I really can fill in a gap in care.

Meanwhile, in TWO novel/fiction workshops and that's startling me more awake, which is good too. And I'll be hosting a new covenant group at my home twice a month. This week is nuts. I also have a new gig showing a fancy condo/office area downtown for some friends from SF who have a sorta plantation property here and fly back and forth a lot. I'll just be the contact person to pass along info, schedule showings, etc, and I'm happy about the hourly rate. They have a top floor they'd like to do as a B&B so I may get that gig too. So it's a nice contrast to have BOTH kinds of hourly work.

Novel...home...friends...matter most of all.

Big hugs all,
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

lighter

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Re: Fall Stuff
« Reply #7 on: October 01, 2018, 09:58:01 PM »
I think B&B work might be a bit easier on your soul, Hops.

You'd still be useful, and needed, but with people on vacation, with bright futures, and chatter around it. 

You sound really good. 

Have a great trip, and I can't wait to hear about your new covenant group.

Lighter

Hopalong

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Re: Fall Stuff
« Reply #8 on: October 02, 2018, 03:47:06 AM »
Hi Lighter,
I value my work with the very old...their suffering does affect me as does losing someone I've gotten close to, but their perspective and experiences also deepen my spirituality in a way. Seeing their struggles but also their daily determination is humbling. The sheer effort to just keep going in a broken old body is heart-wrenching in some cases but also inspiring. Life is sweet and horrible and amazingly powerful.

I don't know what the B & B folks will be like but I'm pleased about the chance to pop downtown with a purpose and be welcoming to newcomers to the area. They may be privileged folks in great moods and I may be envious of their ability to afford travel! (Got to watch out for that.) And I'm also happy that the hourly rate is $5 better than I'm earning with the elders. Will report in a month or so, the SF lawyer is taking her time getting it coordinated. Has photos and a flyer done (for the separate office floor--I edited that for her today) but not much else.

Thanks for the vacay wishes, I'm looking forward to the break. But will really miss pooch.

Hugs
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Twoapenny

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Re: Fall Stuff
« Reply #9 on: October 02, 2018, 12:13:20 PM »
Thank you, Lighter.
The light I use feels aquariumy, in an odd way (I use the green-filtered one as it's better for retinas). But I love the image of your neighbor's personal sun salute.

I'll be at the beach Sat-Weds...so looking forward to those walks. Very hard to leave pooch behind this time, but it's a big group that's not dog-friendly. Next year I may organize my own houseful again. This time I'm happy to tag on to someone's else's planning, bless 'em.

Not positive about the wifi so nobody worry if I don't post for a bit!

I've been taking things a bit slower since Ngent died and when I get back, need to recruit some new people to help. Fortunately, I've learned over the last two years that this work is never going to be hard to find--I really can fill in a gap in care.

Meanwhile, in TWO novel/fiction workshops and that's startling me more awake, which is good too. And I'll be hosting a new covenant group at my home twice a month. This week is nuts. I also have a new gig showing a fancy condo/office area downtown for some friends from SF who have a sorta plantation property here and fly back and forth a lot. I'll just be the contact person to pass along info, schedule showings, etc, and I'm happy about the hourly rate. They have a top floor they'd like to do as a B&B so I may get that gig too. So it's a nice contrast to have BOTH kinds of hourly work.

Novel...home...friends...matter most of all.

Big hugs all,
Hops

Wow, Hops, you are busy busy at the moment!  Didn't know about green filters, I'll look into that.  I've just been putting mine to the side so I don't look directly at it.  I do think it's helping though, I'm feeling calmer and I'm not feeling sad at the later mornings and earlier evenings.

I think you are right about there always being work in caring for older people, Hops, and I would guess you have a good reputation and come with recommendations as you've been doing it for a while now.  Very reassuring for people to know they have a good egg looking after them :)  Beach get together sounds lovely, I hope you enjoy that.  And writing group, group meets at home and new job showing people around?!  I thought you were supposed to be unmotivated Hopsie?!  Lol, what a busy time.  I'm really glad you've got so many different things going on.  I think having lots of irons in the fire is a good thing.  I look forward to hearing more about it.

lighter

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Re: Fall Stuff
« Reply #10 on: October 02, 2018, 07:49:40 PM »
Hops:

I bet pooch will be just fine, and think of the reunion when you get back!  SO MUCH HAPPINESS.

My best friends were in their 80's, till they passed, so I get the value in fellowship with the elderly.  Watching friend H suffer, in the end, was agonizing for us both.  I don't think I'm as brave as you om that regard.  You're a very special person, Hops. 

Here's to your trip, and working downtown for increased pay.  I look forward to the stories.

Lighter 

 

sKePTiKal

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Re: Fall Stuff
« Reply #11 on: October 03, 2018, 09:25:40 AM »
Have fun at the beach Hops! Eat lots of good seafood - oysters are in season now, they'll be especially good.

It sounds like you're doing just fine, expanding your horizons and discovering new things.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

Hopalong

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Re: Fall Stuff
« Reply #12 on: October 11, 2018, 12:13:40 PM »
Welp, didn't quite go as planned, but all is well after a tough time.

The day I was to leave was Ngent's memorial. I always dread packing even for simple trips (ADD nightmare) and had put it off. Thus I'd have to rush from the church back home and tear off because I was on the "dinner team" at the beach. Long story short, something got to me in the service (lovely, moving) and I started shaking in the pew. Strange. Then after brief visit to his friends at reception, I dashed off on errands, feeling not normal. Walking from my car to library (for books on tape) my heart kicked into very very hard tachycardia, chest pressure, etc. Sat in library massaging carotid for a while and it eventually slowed, but I had that utterly drained, sick-all-over, SOBreath panic attack feeling.

I knew it was 90% more likely a panic attack than anything cardiac, but the fear is real. Given my age, my family history...I was anxious enough to consider going to the ER. But since earlier in life I'd had a lot of panic attacks and really thought this was one, I was reluctant to go and get all tied up with tests and possible admission, etc.

Called my retired social worker friend who offered to come over, and she just let m vent it all out for a couple of hours. I calmed, felt better, and realized I'd be okay.

What I pieced together afterward was that over the last few months there'd been a whole collection of emotionally very taxing things:

Church drama/conflict came to a peak. Shift in emotional safety there since being in the open with how I feel.

Large beach group (church, 12 women) was making me anxious, as groups of women (not here!) often do. Old old old bruises from pecking order stuff early on.

Ngent -- moving, crises, moving again, falls/breaks bones, dies. Stressful service planning; service itself. Moving, stressful. Avoided minister. Started shaking near end of service.

Kavanaugh hearings, obsessive reading of all the coverage. Primal fear/
disappointment. Nobody I know wants to talk about depths of feminist feeling.

Estranged only child birthday two days before.

Need to start new push for more income. Uncertainty.

Two novel workshops; sense that it’s now or never adds tension. MUST = fear.

Loneliness. Winter coming. Hating living alone. Fears of aging/dying alone.

That's it, but evidently it was enough. I've been struggling with feelings about my dear T, as well. He in no way intends to do this, because it's likely me projecting something. But I sometimes find that I imagine, because he's so practical and focused, that he's always looking for signs that I'm functioning better, and I react as though I'm being "prodded". I don't think he means to prod, he's just asking. But in some deeper inner battle, I have a cycle of feeling shame, reluctance to explain (again and again) how difficult some life organization and planning and producing are for me. He is kind and compassionate but I think perhaps he doesn't get some things that I feel persistently STUCK about. He's probably frustrated too.

So I haven't left him, but I have searched out a female therapist who uses a method that involves deep empathy, emotional presence, lots of emotional processing. T and I have normally just talked a ton, but there's been little transference, I think is the right term. All I know is after many many years during which seeing him was my refuge, safe place, and comfort zone...I'm coming to be more frustrated with (despite the good relationship with him) the process. I am sick of being stuck. I've told him things like, I'd like to go deeper with this than talking about practical techniques to deal with distractability. I think I need to deal with emotional, even spiritual, losses and realities. He tries to ask deeper questions but I think it's just not who he is. He is a behaviorist, extremely practical, and though I love him dearly, it may be time for me to move on.

Of course, that's another stressful change that could produce NEW anxiety. And that I do not need. At all. So...I'm hoping I could somehow get away with adding her, even once or twice a month, and cutting the number of sessions with him in half. I doubt insurance will allow that.

She's going to call me back to set up an initial appointment to talk about it. May not have a regular opening for a new client until Nov. or Dec., which is fine by me.

----------------
So....where is everybody? I haven't posted because I thought I'd be away (I didn't go to the beach after the attack, just couldn't face the drive alone and had to retreat and rest. Coming out of it now.) And I see that nobody's been posting.

I hope that means everyone is well and calm and enjoying early fall. I missed you.

love,
Hops


« Last Edit: October 12, 2018, 10:00:14 AM by Hopalong »
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Twoapenny

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Re: Fall Stuff
« Reply #13 on: October 11, 2018, 10:46:14 PM »
Oh Hops, I'm sorry you had such a scare.  I've had a lot of that chest pain/panic attack stuff myself and it's very frightening and unpleasant to deal with.  The list of things you've had to manage over the last few months is a long one so it's no surprise that something happened because of that, but that doesn't make it less scary to manage.  In some ways when things happen because of emotional situations rather than actual physical health it can be harder to manage - a physical problem can often be fixed or helped with a prescription but emotional stuff is way more complicated.  Can you/will you have a general check up with the doctor just to dot i's and cross t's? Although it does make it another thing to add to the to do list, which can add to the stress!

Changing T's may well be a good thing, Hops, I think sometimes you just get to a different point and need a different technique or approach.  Sometimes a fresh pair of eyes can be a good thing as well; it just shakes things up a bit and gives us a chance to come at something from a different angle.  I hope you can sort the insurance out so you can do half and half for a little while :)

The board has been quiet; personally I have felt a little bit 'posted out' so have been popping in to see what's going on but not writing much myself (have been writing a lot offline).  Autumn is beautiful here at the minute; we've had some gorgeous sunny days and the sunrises at the moment are stunning :)  Glad to see you back and I hope the panic attacks keep to themselves now xx

Hopalong

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Re: Fall Stuff
« Reply #14 on: October 12, 2018, 09:56:56 AM »
Thank you, ((((Tupp))))!

Now I can take one other anxiety off my list, that everybody on VESMB suddenly disappeared, never to be heard from again!  :?

I love thinking about you being so near the ocean and enjoying those gorgeous dawns and twilights. You actually did it. You made it. You are there.

I bet living near the ocean changes things in body and mind in a lovely way. Though watching what just happened in Florida with a Cat. 5 is sobering. Is where you are UPHILL from the water?

I am still a little sobered and you're right, I should make a dr. appt. Just to have him give it a listen. Thanks for the reminder. This was for me a Cat. 4 anxiety attack and I'd love to never have another. It'd been years, despite everything. Was sorry to break the streak.

But all is well. Going to a small art opening at a winery later today with the kind folks I work for. Just as a friend. So I'm touched that the wife has reached out.

Hope you're doing better and that keeps on...BTW, this is the type of therapy the potential new T practices. When I read the site and watched the founder's video, I thought: that is what I'm missing. www.aedpinstitute.org

love
Hops
« Last Edit: October 12, 2018, 10:01:54 AM by Hopalong »
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."