Author Topic: Mindfulness  (Read 2752 times)

lighter

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Re: Mindfulness
« Reply #45 on: August 31, 2018, 12:38:39 AM »
The girls and I enjoyed a simple meal this evening.  Almost no arguing at all. I don't digest well when they argue before or during meals. 

Pan seared wild salmon from frozen section in Trader Joes, with crunchy little asparagus spears from fresh produce department.  Very nice with butter, and salt cooked first in same pan.   
Their organic spring mixed greens are a deal, IMO, and rounded out the meal.  I made a dill cucumber sauce.   Yep, it had sour cream, and a bit of mayo with salt and pepper, but I've gone a bit limp.  Not perfect. Oh well.

We made 5 batches of tamales yesterday.  Some vegetarian with peppers, onions, and tomatoes.  Some with pork and the pepper mix.  We use coconut oil instead of lard.  Tastes the same to us.  Good texture.  A bit hot this time, but we like them hot.

I've been unable to muster much enthusiasm for cooking,  and meal planning lately.  This didn't take any effort.  It was a nice surprise. 

I had a terrible morning processing things I've needed to process for a while.  Really dreadful, but I'm tired of futzing around with the bandaid.  Time to yank, and so I sank into it, and let it have it's say.  Mostly there was sadness for my children, myself, and all the people who've lost so much through the last 12 years.  Lots and lots of sadness.

Then there was anger. 
For others, then for myself. 
It really had it's way with me, and I let it. No holding back.  Poor pug was confused, and upset too, but the tears had to come, and so they did. 

I noticed I hold my breath a lot.  I've always been a shallow breather, but I hold my breath.  I have to make myself take a breath.

This evening I'm feeling lighter, and more relaxed.  Less anxious about things I was surprised made me feel so out of sorts.  It's a relief, and I think it's bc of the processing. 

Oldest DD was stung by what I think was a bee last evening... her first ever sting.  Her entire hand, and wrist is swollen, and she has a fever with some infection.  The doctor fixed her up, and I'm less worried than I was about future stings.  I thought he'd prescribe an epi pen, but he didn't.  He doesn't expect future stings to be critical.  The internet had me really worried.

I'm feeling lucky about brain integration classes held locally in September.  It's a better program than the one in Colorado, with ongoing opportunity for hands on clinics with instructors.  Ideal, really.

And that's my update.

Lighter





 











 


Hopalong

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Re: Mindfulness
« Reply #46 on: August 31, 2018, 10:03:19 AM »
(((((Lighter))))), I'm glad you let it rip.

Some pain is lancing, and it heals.

I'm so sorry it hurt so much but you are wise and brave to trust the flow of it.

Be strong, but don't be perfect.

love,
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Twoapenny

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Re: Mindfulness
« Reply #47 on: August 31, 2018, 05:47:50 PM »
Lighter, the octopus is amazing and I'm glad you told DD to just get on with it.  It's easy to overthink and plan things like that - if it turns out to be wrong you can just paint over and start again.  I love the idea of mermaids in there as well.  It's going to be so nice when it's finished.  And as for peeing in the shower - yes, people do so many weird things.  I'm always astounded at the mess people leave behind them when they've eaten a meal - food and food containers everywhere and no attempt to clean up.  They don't do it at home, surely?  I can't get my head round it. 

Your meals always sound lovely.  Do you have MasterChef over there?  You'd do well on that :)

I think anger has to be given an outlet.  It's surprising when it rises though, and I think that people like us - who prefer to avoid conflict and try to keep peace and be thoughtful of others - find it difficult to cope with when it rises.  You did well to let it do its thing and just go through it.  I'm sure pug will be okay with it all :) I'm glad you felt calmer afterwards and I hope that stays xx

lighter

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Re: Mindfulness
« Reply #48 on: September 01, 2018, 01:14:04 AM »
I'm a bit wrung out, but still feeling OK, so I'll share about food first.  I love the food shows too, Tupp.  The ones with kids are amazing.   How poised, and creative they are!  I was never that poised.  I'm still not that poised, lol.

We tried another new pick from Trader Joe's.  Wild caught scallops. Frozen. You get a package of 10 large, beautiful specimens for $10.  They were defrosted when we got home from school, and we seared them in a pan with real butter, then youngest dd made a lovely chili lime sauce after deglazing pan.  TJ's has a small clam shell package of mixed greens, and we sauteed 2 of them with garlic, and ate them on spring greens.  Quick, and I think we could eat 3 or 4 packages at a go when cooked like that.  Always a favorite in this house. 

I'm still feeling better, but suspect menopause is taking my hormones on a nose dive.  Is falling apart, physically, a symptom of the M?  I feel like ligaments are giving away.  There's some shaking of my left hand, weakness.  My left foot hurts more than my right foot, and my balance hasn't been what it always was. My left hip isn't getting better.  Compensating for the pain is just throwing other parts of me out of whack.  It sucks getting old, but it really sucks to notice it happening, IME. At least the hot flashes are better. 

My Uncle had 5 teeth pulled today, which is terrifying to me.  I can't think about it now. 

It's good to remind myself inviting pain is cleansing, and leads to feeling better.  Sometimes I forget. 

Off to bed now.

Lighter

Twoapenny

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Re: Mindfulness
« Reply #49 on: September 01, 2018, 04:11:57 AM »
I'm a bit wrung out, but still feeling OK, so I'll share about food first.  I love the food shows too, Tupp.  The ones with kids are amazing.   How poised, and creative they are!  I was never that poised.  I'm still not that poised, lol.

We tried another new pick from Trader Joe's.  Wild caught scallops. Frozen. You get a package of 10 large, beautiful specimens for $10.  They were defrosted when we got home from school, and we seared them in a pan with real butter, then youngest dd made a lovely chili lime sauce after deglazing pan.  TJ's has a small clam shell package of mixed greens, and we sauteed 2 of them with garlic, and ate them on spring greens.  Quick, and I think we could eat 3 or 4 packages at a go when cooked like that.  Always a favorite in this house. 

I'm still feeling better, but suspect menopause is taking my hormones on a nose dive.  Is falling apart, physically, a symptom of the M?  I feel like ligaments are giving away.  There's some shaking of my left hand, weakness.  My left foot hurts more than my right foot, and my balance hasn't been what it always was. My left hip isn't getting better.  Compensating for the pain is just throwing other parts of me out of whack.  It sucks getting old, but it really sucks to notice it happening, IME. At least the hot flashes are better. 

My Uncle had 5 teeth pulled today, which is terrifying to me.  I can't think about it now. 

It's good to remind myself inviting pain is cleansing, and leads to feeling better.  Sometimes I forget. 

Off to bed now.

Lighter

I hope you had good sleep, Lighter, and that you feel more rested today xx  I don't know whether the physical ailments are typical of menopause but I have all that you mention and I have assumed it's menopause/age related :)  My hormones are bonkers for two weeks of the month - a week of wanting to stab people, a week of wanting to cry and feeling that nothing is right in the world and then two weeks of feeling 'normal'.  My hot flushes are better and I sweat less now.  I found coffee and wine triggered both but I also started taking Royal Jelly and Milk Thistle supplements as I read that they can help.  The moods don't seem to be different but I haven't been as hot as often and I haven't been waking up sweating in the night.  I do have a lot of joint pain - one week of the month my elbow is just awful so I'm guessing that is linked to the hormones although I have no idea how or why.  Hormones are another thing on my 'want to learn more about this' list.  I did see a funny meme the other day, something like "my mind thinks I'm 25, my sense of humour is that of a 13 year old and my body keeps asking if I'm dead yet" :)  Made me laugh, it pretty much sums up the way I feel.  I hope your Uncle isn't in too much pain.  I am not good with teeth, either - or eyes!  Even contact lenses make me cringe.  I hope you are feeling okay today - or at least okay about not feeling okay.  Much love xx

Hopalong

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Re: Mindfulness
« Reply #50 on: September 01, 2018, 11:58:13 AM »
Lighter, hon.

Would you consider a thorough head-to-toe physical? With a regular excellent MD? Most of what you describe could be about menopause and a boatload of heavy physical labor. The hand tremor and balance issues should be checked out, imo.

You just have gone through a huge, drawn-out, enormous period of hard work in another place, with a whole lot of associated stress. Weary makes great sense.

And still you cook in a way that makes aromas rise from my laptop. Amazing. Thanks for that inspiration.

with comfort,
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

lighter

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Re: Mindfulness
« Reply #51 on: September 02, 2018, 11:51:33 AM »
Hops, and Tupp:  I will get a physical.  I paid for a full lab panel a year ago, and never made that appointment.  Will get to it, promise. The lab guy shares space with a regular, very reputable MD I tried to get into last year.  They weren't taking new patients.  They are now.  Thanks for the push.  Will go.

I do sleep.  I maybe sleep too much.  I want to sleep a lot more.  There's some depression, but I think it's about withdrawing from life for a bit, though it might just be recovering from all the close quarters living in the heat, and hard work summer weeks, as you say, Hops.  I think the menopause makes it harder to sort out what's what about it.
 

I'll research the symptoms, and see if it explains some of this.

Enjoy your weekend guys.  We have a long holiday, Tupp. 

Lighter


lighter

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Re: Mindfulness
« Reply #52 on: September 02, 2018, 01:09:43 PM »
Aw, F.

The list of symptoms for M looks about right, and explains a lot.

F.

So.

Dreadful.

Joint stiffness, and pain.

Memory troubles.

Difficulty concentrating.

Anxiety.

Depression.

More frequent urination.

Of course, hot flashes.

Lovely.





Twoapenny

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Re: Mindfulness
« Reply #53 on: September 02, 2018, 04:24:45 PM »
Aw, F.

The list of symptoms for M looks about right, and explains a lot.

F.

So.

Dreadful.

Joint stiffness, and pain.

Memory troubles.

Difficulty concentrating.

Anxiety.

Depression.

More frequent urination.

Of course, hot flashes.

Lovely.

Yes that is a description of me!  The memory problems are terrible.  The other day I couldn't remember what you call the green leafy things in fish tanks.  They're plants!  Lol.  For the life of me couldn't remember the word :) xx

lighter

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Re: Mindfulness
« Reply #54 on: September 02, 2018, 04:46:09 PM »
My memory wasn't great to start with, Tupp.

I thought I was going mad.

Lighter


Hopalong

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Re: Mindfulness
« Reply #55 on: September 02, 2018, 05:48:17 PM »
I'm really glad you're going to a skilled well educated MD, Light.
Nothing to be scared about but I really feel good about you getting a top-notch standard medical workup.

I find myself cruising down alleyways online about health that in my rational, evidence-based mind, I know are not always wise. The cafeteria approach between Western, alternative, and special-secret-medical-guru info streams...seems wisest to me.

I just want you to be okay.

xxxooo
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

lighter

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Re: Mindfulness
« Reply #56 on: September 03, 2018, 07:47:08 PM »
I dreamed my oldest dd died last night.  I woke up feeling dreadful, and did a balance.  The awful feelings from the dream were gone, and I didn't think about the dream at all, except when I thought about doing the balance, and how it might have been connected to the headache I had a little later in the day.  I don't get headaches very often.  Hardly at all if not connected to my posture typically.

It's so easy to forget self care.  At every level.  Esp when care isn't just about flossing, and skin care, eating well.  When it's at every level, and it's mostly new, it's easy to slip back into old patterns and forget, esp when under duress.

And we don't just put new patterns in place, we add new things when we start feeling better, IME.

So that's a whole lot of NEW for brains struggling to put new coping strategies in place, iME.  Maybe reaching out, and adding new happy things, too soon, is just too much too soon?

I had an interesting night last night.  It wasn't always pleasant. It wasn't particularly fun.  It was stressful at times, and full of people who don't feel warm and fuzzy about me, more or less.  They, without fail, speak another language in front of me, when they could speak English. Since they understand that improving their English will help with job applications, and primary, and secondary schools I'm consistently baffled by their unwillingness to speak English at all in the home.  I don't take offense, though it's very distancing to be left out of every conversation we're not a part of.   I'd like to feel closer to them.  I'd like to have a warm fuzzy relationship.

I can't figure that out just now, and that's OK.  I can leave it where it is, and go back to what's mine to do and fix. I'm trying to release the situation with love.... trying to practice healthy boundaries.  I think healthy boundaries will bring about the best resolution possible.

What comes up lately is wasted time.  I'm not talking about doing things imperfectly, but about not spending enough time on the most important things.  This is about the past 12 years, still. 

I feel better when I can turn myself around, and face what's in front of me. 

I'm trying to do that, so it's confusing when I find myself turned BACK around, facing the opposite direction unexpectedly.  The thing is, I'm getting more familiar with both directions.  The present isn't so alien any more.  It's easier to find.  Easier to connect with.  It just comes and goes.

Getting spun back around is like flipping a switch, IME.  A photo, a word, a glance, a sound can flip the switch.  Getting startled, opening mail, facing a difficult project, or sink full of dishes.  It's difficult to figure out all the ties, and triggers, and fend them off.  Maybe it's just time to stop fending, and start facing.  I think fending things off just slows things down, and muddles the mission.

Oy.... I ate jalapenos today, so I'm rolling through hot flashes every few hours.  The peppers are absolutely a factor.

The journey continues.

Lighter





Twoapenny

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Re: Mindfulness
« Reply #57 on: September 04, 2018, 04:23:43 AM »
I'm sorry things are tough, Lighter, and kid dying dreams are the worst.  Horrible to have and although I think they're supposed to be more about them becoming adults (according to the dream analysis stuff, which I tend to believe in or dismiss as rubbish depending on what suits me) they're the kind of things that wake you up in a cold sweat and make you want to rush to their room to check on them.

What do you mean by wasted time, do you mean time you've been forced to spend on doing things that other people have created?  Instead of doing your own stuff?  That's the way I feel when I look back over the last sixteen years - constantly fighting the fires started by my mum and her team of cronies.  But I wasn't sure if that's what you were thinking of when you wrote it?

And yes, self care is hard, especially when combined with work, kids, home, pets, garden, money, paperwork, trying to figure out why x, y and z is happening, dealing with health problems, and so on and so on.  I keep telling myself now just do what you can Tup.  If you can have herbal tea instead of coffee, great.  If not, well okay.  If you can do yoga instead of eat crap in front of the telly, great.  If not, well okay.  I'm finding self care harder when my hormones are bonkers.  I seem to do okay with it for two weeks of the month and then it flies out of the window for the other two weeks.  I hope things level out a bit today and you can get a quieter sleep tonight xx

sKePTiKal

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Re: Mindfulness
« Reply #58 on: September 04, 2018, 08:29:44 AM »
Hmmm. When I have strong feelings about the past come up, I search around the void for new ideas/understandings about what happened and different ways to feel about it.

So, for instance - using a generality -

having a strong feeling about past trauma/abuse I am resisting the pattern of old emotions that go with it, and trying to sort it into a new narrative or story - new meanings behind events; new motivations for why people did things they did.

I strongly believe that I didn't always understand or react in the most objective way*, at the time; in the midst of the whirlwind... so I try to rewrite that story in my mind, with a different explanation. I do think, that things like this weren't a waste of time; or our lives. It was some very important lesson or challenge for us and it's real significance is that we should LEARN from it. Whatever it is we need to learn in this life.

*That said, it was incredibly important for me to regain my original feelings about what happened and that set of later choices, consequences, and decisions up to present day. I needed a continuity from past to present to be able to imagine future.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

lighter

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Re: Mindfulness
« Reply #59 on: September 05, 2018, 10:48:57 AM »
Hi Tupp and Amber:

I'm sleeping well.  That's not a problem.  Re framing history is a good thing.   Recapturing feelings around it is necessary, as you say Amber.

I'm taking B12 and magnesium again.  It can't hurt.

OK!  So I did many balances last night after I got in bed.  Emotional balances, hormonal balances, brain integration balances.

One of the balances was around my left hip, which had me very out of sorts, as I've mentioned... painful.... had the feeling of a bone spur, sort of.  One place felt like it hitched, bone on bone.  Painful.

I did that balance, and didn't have the pain this morning that I noticed.  In fact, I just tidied up the house, felt a CRACK in that hip... where it's been painful, and was reminded I've had no pain, or reason to notice that hip today. 

I did balances around paperwork anxiety, and have my dest almost clear at this point. In other words, there was no anxiety around that chore this morning.  I just went upstairs and got busy DOING . Very cool.

What else... I've been taking B vitamins, and magnesium so that may be part of this, along with eating healthier... trying to eat one carb a week, though I'm not yet hitting that mark.   

I just got up and walked around to check again.... my hips is back!  Two days ago my left glute was fatigued after walking through a parking lot.... hip painful, throwing my torso forward to avoid pain, and that threw out other things. 

Wow. I'm very pleased to give that update. 

You just have no idea. WHOO HOO!

Lighter: )