Author Topic: Beware the scorned NM  (Read 1201 times)

lighter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 6121
Re: Beware the scorned NM
« Reply #30 on: July 12, 2018, 09:40:35 AM »
Ales2:

I think you're right about your mom. She'll never hear or understand you.  Not her fault.  If she could, she would have.  She's broken.  She's doing her best, and it is what it is. 

I'm glad you're moving on, and focusing on yourself.  Seek joy.  Don't worry what your mother thinks.  This is your life.  Not hers.

Lighter

Ales2

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 689
Re: Beware the scorned NM
« Reply #31 on: July 17, 2018, 06:40:23 PM »
Ok, so remember when I said this:

"I need a really fast red convertible Jaguar, an Savvanah cat named Shera, a Calvin Klein wardrobe, lots of gold and diamond jewelry, extensive international travel, a solid producing job, a supportive husband and an overflowing bank account....that would help!"

Well, as it turns out, about two weeks later, I took in a foster cat on a whim from an FB post. That Foster Cat has been with me for 4 weeks now and just this weekend, I learned she is a Bengal-mix. LOL. She is quite exotic, beautiful marbled pattern, big green eyes, sleek coat (referred to as a pelt, not fur), exotic sounding meow and surprise.... wildcat aggression and hyper-energetic. She is lovely, but a handful I was not quite ready for.

Anyway, point is, careful what you wish for! LOL! Not a savannah cat, but a Bengal Mix!  Ha!

Ales2

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 689
Re: Beware the scorned NM
« Reply #32 on: July 17, 2018, 06:43:14 PM »
Quote
I think you're right about your mom. She'll never hear or understand you.  Not her fault.  If she could, she would have.  She's broken.  She's doing her best, and it is what it is.

I'm glad you're moving on, and focusing on yourself.  Seek joy.  Don't worry what your mother thinks.  This is your life.  Not hers.

Yep, yep and more yep.

I came to the conclusion, I'm 50, if I can't get along with her by now... it was simply not meant to be.

sKePTiKal

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3817
Re: Beware the scorned NM
« Reply #33 on: July 18, 2018, 08:26:44 AM »
Late to the conversation and have some issues typing at the moment.

My D works in special effects. She is between productions and ending a longterm relationship. She's adequately explained the nature of the entertainment business. What I hear from your description is the belief on your mom's part that you should have a consistent, weekly paycheck to be "secure". And the T is likely supporting that idea as temporary income between the work you want to do.

My D is considering that as one possibilty among many - including trying to get hired onto another crew in another part of the country - until that job ends and she can possibilty pick up work again in the city she calls home. Its what she calls "the nature of this business". Many welders face the same condition in the permanence of their positions. So its not just hollywood. Businesses close and people find themselves having to scramble. The old days of working 30 years for the same employer are mostly gone.

So I understand your struggle to hang onto what you REALLY want to do, and are good at, and how iffy it can be to someone who has a whole different definition of what a job or career is. May the fates blow good fortune your way!
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

Ales2

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 689
Re: Beware the scorned NM
« Reply #34 on: July 18, 2018, 12:35:30 PM »
sKePTiKal -

Thank you so much for your post. You are correct in your assumption about the nature of the entertainment business and my mothers perception.

I appreciate the good wishes and send them back to you and your D. Not alot of women in SFX, so double kudos to her!

Ales2

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 689
Re: Beware the scorned NM
« Reply #35 on: July 23, 2018, 03:03:49 PM »
So, I agreed to 3 sessions and today will be session #3.

I'm going in a open, cooperative and neutral mood. I got over the marginalization I felt at the last session, and the resulting epiphany that I am 50 and if we can't get along by now, it was not meant to be.  I wouldn't waste my time at a job or with a recruiter that did not know my value based on my experience, I would just move on to another job or another recruiter. 

Anyway, I am interested to see if he is getting the problem we have or just going for the quick fix, learn to communicate and avoid landmines. Landmines are the problem. Why keep building and tip-toeing around them, dig them up and toss them aside, everything else is a ticking time bomb. Part of me thinks he wants me to find more suitable employment for her, so we can work on the relationship, but as I said before, that is not what I want.

He seems to have a talk it out, work it out approach, but not sure she can change from controlling to cooperating.

We shall see. I will post afterwards.

Have a great day everybody!

Hopalong

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 11118
Re: Beware the scorned NM
« Reply #36 on: July 23, 2018, 04:13:48 PM »
Good luck, Ales.
I hope the session goes well.

Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Ales2

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 689
Re: Beware the scorned NM
« Reply #37 on: July 24, 2018, 12:07:27 AM »
Hi Hops, thank you!

The session did go well, but in an unexpected direction. His question today was "how can I help?"  I was unprepared for him wanting to take such a neutral direction.

Mum mentioned how "worried" she was for the direction of my life. I told him she'd never cared before about how things are going for me.

I told him I was tired of overcompensating in a negative relationship and that is why the relationship is deteorating. 

He really does seem to get it. I do think last time was a bit of test to see if I was cooperative or angry, hostile.

The only thing that concerns me now is that this poor therapist, might think he can repair a relationship I no longer care about and my mom will spend major $$$$ trying to fix something.  Not unlike a couple divorcing and the husband wants her back, but she is just there to cooperate and move on.  Thats me in this scenario unfortunately. Too little, too late.

Oh, well, ......

Twoapenny

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2716
Re: Beware the scorned NM
« Reply #38 on: July 25, 2018, 10:04:46 AM »
Hi Hops, thank you!

The session did go well, but in an unexpected direction. His question today was "how can I help?"  I was unprepared for him wanting to take such a neutral direction.

Mum mentioned how "worried" she was for the direction of my life. I told him she'd never cared before about how things are going for me.

I told him I was tired of overcompensating in a negative relationship and that is why the relationship is deteorating. 

He really does seem to get it. I do think last time was a bit of test to see if I was cooperative or angry, hostile.

The only thing that concerns me now is that this poor therapist, might think he can repair a relationship I no longer care about and my mom will spend major $$$$ trying to fix something.  Not unlike a couple divorcing and the husband wants her back, but she is just there to cooperate and move on.  Thats me in this scenario unfortunately. Too little, too late.

Oh, well, ......

For what it's worth, Ales, although it's very hard, I think the real turning point for me was that realisation that nothing would change.  My mum was/is as she is and once the glimmer of hope that she'd turn things around was put out, I was able to leave her where she was and concentrate on building my own life up.  Maybe without such a lot going on with your mum you'll have more energy for your work projects and doing things that you really love.  I'm glad that the therapist seemed to get it and was eager to listen to what you needed to say.  Being heard is nice.  I hope things start to take an easier path for you now.

Love Tupp xx

Ales2

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 689
Re: Beware the scorned NM
« Reply #39 on: July 25, 2018, 01:10:39 PM »
Thanks Tupp. 

I got dragged in, I did not really want to go to the Therapist, because in my mind it is over and has been for a very long time. Now that I am suddenly wanting to give up my TV career (she wants that) and move to across the country to another state and start a new life, she suddenly wants to interfere in that as well. 

Being heard would be nice. Maybe he can tell me when I'm being unbalanced - i.e yes, thats a big problem and there are repurcussions for adults, I can see why/where you are hurting and no, you are taking this the wrong way. He seems like a balanced guy.    That would be really helpful, for me to process things once more with someone who is also seeing/experiencing who she is. He also seems to be able to direct questions to her that causes her to rethink what she has said. This confuses her. Not sure this helps her in regards to me, like you, I know she will never change, but maybe he needs to see that too and then can advise me better.

I just hope he gets where I am at - which is help me to be more independent and move on from crazy N mom.

Thank for your comments and support!

Ales2

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 689
Re: Beware the scorned NM
« Reply #40 on: August 01, 2018, 02:59:45 PM »
A little reading and things become more clear.

So, I'm thinking the T in this case is following Carl Rodgers. He is using and advocating for unconditional positive regard. I'm getting that from him.  This is how his patients will trust him and the process enough to make progress.  All the greats use this concept and then get into honest confrontation later. It works better that way.

Hopalong

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 11118
Re: Beware the scorned NM
« Reply #41 on: August 01, 2018, 03:39:58 PM »
Ales,
I'm so excited to hear you're planning a work change and even a move away from Tinseltown!

Wow. I predict a fascinating saga ahead.

Sounds like this T is humanist, supportive and kind. That's wonderful no matter who you are. And perhaps you'll have some one-on-one time possible with him as you plan your new chapter.

Good going, for opening up to new possibilities! That's hugely healing.

Big hugs
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Ales2

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 689
Re: Beware the scorned NM
« Reply #42 on: August 23, 2018, 02:37:01 PM »
Tossed and last night. I could not fall asleep at all last night after my NM told me there are no upcoming appointments for the T. I ended up liking him, but she's made a series of excuses of why she is not booking appointments.

Aug 13th - she has court the next morning. She ends up getting excused, and the appointment was not in direct time conflict (i.e cant be in two places at once).

Aug 20th - the T did not call her back.

Aug 27th - "I can't make that one"

Sept 3rd - Its Labor Day - he;s not accepting appointments

Such nonsense. BS about how the sessions are expensive (I'm guessing $200 each) but then dont just do 5 and not book again, thats the real waste. Do it all the way through or not all. Halfway is worse...

Today, got up feeling much better. What she does is not in my control. My focus today is my meeting with my business partner at a major network for our Tv show.

Yesterday, I had a job interview for a part time gig, start up. Maybe can turn into a F/T career opportunity, if not, its cash flow until something better comes along. 

Met somebody new and regretted talking with them - they started in with unsolicited advice I did not need.  Was open to new information that provides expansion, but also not same old law of attraction crap that yields nothing long term.

Have a great week everybody!

Ales2

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 689
Re: Beware the scorned NM
« Reply #43 on: September 12, 2018, 06:06:18 PM »
Well, that T is toast! 

At my Mothers urging, because she "can't make it down"  i.e set and keep an appointment, I went to see the T yesterday. I was hoping there were other ways for me to make progress independent of her and that is what he wants also, but he kept egging me to "change",  did I want to "change" ? I did not say anything because I don't know what "change" he was referring to.  And, did I think she "owes" me as if I was keeping the conflict alive because I feel cheated. I told him she doesn't owe me, but different parents, different outcomes and this is my situation. 

Do other people get help with co-signing for a house from their gym buddy? Their church?  Their boss? NO. If they don't come from an open and welcoming family that encourages them to date and socialize and supports it,  how do they meet someone and get married? Does their work help? The IRS? Their employer? Their guidance counselor? NO. NONE of the above. Those are things that come from cooperative, functional families where they believe in unconditional positive regard. Some people find someone who will take them away from their dysfucntional family and create a new, healthier family, but I never found that. I don't have that and have suffered for it.  Does she "owe" me, NO, hence different parents, different outcomes. Not my fault I chose what I did, I did the best with what I had to work with.

He wanted to help me with my job situation but I felt his help would be too general, I need specific mentorship from someone who knows my abilities/temperment/goals/interests and someone who knows the business of television.  He doesn't know either(not his fault, he's an MFT). I need higher level, specific support for my current projects and pursuits, not more generalities and not having this higher level support IS the problem, so if you don't get that - then we are not on the same page. Other people have siblings, husbands in the same industry or family members who understand their business, and have a vested interest in their success. I don't have any of those supportive people and can't expect the therapist or a paid consultnat to fill that role. Mentoring, when you are talking about business development is a shady endeavor, because if the person knows you and your industry, he is likely a competitor or co-worker and that has inherent risks, which is exactly why people with a spouse or family member with that industry knowledge and experience is a god-send.

These two things - "change" (not adapt, grow, improve, suggest, or revise) and "owe" triggered me AFTER I left the office and sent me into a tailspin for the rest of the day. These tailspins are why I really don't like therapy sessions. Even when you like the therapist, you can feel persecuted and misunderstood, which ultimately make me want to avoid the therapeutic process.

Nice guy, turns out my friend goes to his temple, but ultimately, the T is clueless and triggered me so I am NOT going back! I canceled an appointment for next week and basically told him I needed specific mentorship, not general advice.  I did not want to touch the other two and don't expect we will.

If my Mom asks me to go back with her, I will participate, but only because I asked for years and if she is willing to meet me halfway, I will continue to try. Otherwise, there is no reason for me to see him.


« Last Edit: September 12, 2018, 09:02:30 PM by Ales2 »

Twoapenny

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2716
Re: Beware the scorned NM
« Reply #44 on: September 21, 2018, 04:56:10 AM »
I'm sorry it's not going well, Ales, although it sounds a bit like your mum is yanking your chain with the not booking appointments and then you going alone and him not being right for you anyway.  Does it feel like that for you or do you feel it has helped a bit, albeit it in a sort of sideways way?

I think the right T is vital.  I've seen quite a few over the years that I've seen twice and then not gone back to.  I can get easily triggered if I feel my version of events is being questioned (and by that I mean if I feel I'm being treated as if I'm making things up).  I can cope with it when it's someone I trust but not with someone new (in fact, going through things checking for accuracy and balance with someone I trust has helped me loads because it helped me see I was spot on in a lot of cases but it doesn't work for me with someone I don't know well).

I've absolutely no clue what you do about your career situation, it is way out of my world of knowledge but I hope there is someone/something that can help you out a bit and steer you in the right direction (or even just a bit closer to where you want to be) xx