Author Topic: End of the Road Farm  (Read 8489 times)

Hopalong

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Re: End of the Road Farm
« Reply #255 on: September 14, 2018, 06:14:51 PM »
I looooooove thinking about you enjoying creating your decor!

x100

xxoo
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

sKePTiKal

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Re: End of the Road Farm
« Reply #256 on: September 17, 2018, 08:37:39 AM »
rain rain rain rain rainnnnnnnnnnnn.... looks like I've got at least a solid 24 hrs of this. Wind is picking up, too.

Holly is about half way home again. She got a gut feeling about Matt and one of their mutual friends and started checking in with them... and it was more or less true. She's still not accepting that he can't/won't talk to her about whether this is a permanent break-up or not... or why "Mr. Great Guy" simply can't respect HER feelings and be open/honest about his so they can remain friends. Sigh. It's always tough when someone says they're "this"... just not with you and they can't even see it.

But I think the road trip has been the right "medicine" for her to think about moving on and just letting this go. She's always going to have to deal with old wounds that make her question herself, I think. But that has improved a lot too.

Well... looks like I need to think about working inside today. There's still plenty to do.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

sKePTiKal

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Re: End of the Road Farm
« Reply #257 on: September 21, 2018, 12:39:08 PM »
Holly got home Wed night. Now the hard part starts - deciding what she's going to do, work-wise, where she wants to live, etc. She had an appt in B'more today - but even doing a round trip is short driving for her, given the last leg she drove. That was about 12 hrs straight.

She had a premonition about one of her friends and Matt while on the road. She checked it out, and it appears there is some hanky-panky going on... which she is actually HAPPY for them. But Matt took the opportunity to lash out at her again, accusing her of lying and trying to manipulate him and doesn't believe she's actually happy for them. That knocked her down a bit. But she's processed that pretty satisfactorily. Now, he wants her to move all the rest of her stuff out of his house. SIGH.

I guess he's entitled to changing his mind, but logistically, this might not be possible for a couple of weeks. At which time, she may be working on a new 6 wk long project - with no guarantee of more work there, in the future. It's still all up in the air.

I need to order extension brackets for the big blind in the office to clear the window hardware.

Kinda taking some time off, with my feet up and being lazy today. And seriously asking myself if I really WANT Hol to live here... or go her own way, just not too far away. I probably should've sat with that question before I made the offer.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

Hopalong

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Re: End of the Road Farm
« Reply #258 on: September 21, 2018, 05:53:30 PM »
Quote
seriously asking myself if I really WANT Hol to live here... or go her own way, just not too far away. I probably should've sat with that question before I made the offer.

Oof. That is indeed a deeply serious question, ((((Amber)))).

(Obviously, my experience affects this opinion.)

Something I profoundly wish is that with both my mother and my D, I had join into our joint living arrangements with an absolutely crystal-clear "contract" between us that in each instance, we both agreed openly and without pretense that we'd do this for six months. And then re-evaluate.

It's hellish to recognize that a family home share isn't good for you later in life, and by the time you do...it's even more hellish to make a change.

Good luck with this--I have faith you'll think your way to the right approach for you.

Hugs
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Twoapenny

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Re: End of the Road Farm
« Reply #259 on: September 22, 2018, 03:22:54 AM »
That's a good point from Hops, kind of like a get out clause - maybe agree from the outset a regular review period.

sKePTiKal

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Re: End of the Road Farm
« Reply #260 on: September 22, 2018, 09:28:11 AM »
Well, there is an opportunity in the situation for me to work on one of my long-standing "problems", if she does stay. But it's fraught with the implication that I need a "minder", or am aging to the point that someone needs to keep an eye on me.

And there isn't any problem with us being able to communicate - even when we do rub each other the wrong way, we're able to talk it through and actually accomodate the other. So.... we're thinking, discussing, she's reflecting - and so am I.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

Hopalong

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Re: End of the Road Farm
« Reply #261 on: September 22, 2018, 12:52:27 PM »
The things I'd hate most (even if I had a wonderful D and excellent communication with her, that was not fraught or exhausting) would be:

1) I'd resent her for becoming my inevitable "minder" as age does what it does
2) She'd resent me for hampering her opportunities to move on in her life if they appear (but not admit that to herself or to me)

Again all in hindsight, and from very different family experience...were I to design my perfect old age it would include frequent visits from my wonderful completely free children, but...my daily independence/assistance with same would come from my hand-pick of a good, solid, honest, reliable and kind-hearted person who is not my relative.

xxoo
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

sKePTiKal

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Re: End of the Road Farm
« Reply #262 on: September 23, 2018, 06:57:26 PM »
Well, we're kinda talking this through our way - which is one of us will say something, and we drop it for awhile and each go think - and then come back and talk again.

She FINALLY found an older jeep this weekend, for winter transportation. And both of us realized that what she decides to do, is going to be a series of smaller decisions... leading up to what she what she ultimately does. Like, right now, she can deal with being at my place this winter. Or even make my place her "headquarters". Even if she gets temporary (like 6 weeks/6 months at a time) in the city. She has friends with an airbnb in the city or can sublet something. She's been looking for a jeep and missed a couple, for over a year.

I think we might be able to wing this - but it's going to require me to actually SAY what I think I need/want out loud. And not "just do". Which is not a bad thing in and of itself. I've been alone for about 3 years now. And she is definitely NOT the hermit/homebody type... so I will get some downtime alone too. We can co-exist in silence and peace & quiet... so I'm pretty sure my "issue" is all me. And why it was so easy to choose the hermit route.

It's an adventure; a journey. We'll just go one step at a time.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

Hopalong

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Re: End of the Road Farm
« Reply #263 on: September 24, 2018, 12:21:38 AM »
I know you'll find your way, and if the path gets rocky, you'll just get on your baby dozer and plow it smooth!

((((Amber))))

love,
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

sKePTiKal

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Re: End of the Road Farm
« Reply #264 on: September 24, 2018, 09:45:36 AM »
LOL. I want to do exactly that Hops. But rain, rain still won't go away more than a day at a time here.

I'm realizing that some of our scratchy, too hot, heavy wool type moments is just "all me"... they consist of "the easy way out" coping mechanisms for interacting with another person and living around them... and I no longer have the "fresh widow's excuse" of needing space to just feel myself alone, "robes of dignity" to wrap around me, that only the intrepid, insensitive and rude would dare breach. And that those robes were fully capable of trapping me into a total surrender and giving up, and "letting be" the most ascetic, repetitive, and DEPENDENT ways of being.

No, I couldn't see it. Told myself a bunch of BS that made it "OK" to continue it. It was way too close to what I felt I "deserved" for being me to see it. And I am aging; and I was a caregiver for many of the last 10 years putting other's needs/schedules in front of what I needed and wanted. So, Holly laid down an ultimatum before going on her road trip. If she was going to accompany me to the shop and start getting involved in the business stuff, I had to finally make a doctor's appt and see what - if anything - might be my health issues that could be corrected before it was past the point of correcting.

When she makes those statements, she is fully prepared to back them up. And angry at me, to boot, for weaseling out of it over & over again. Putting her in the position, that Mike put me in. She knew I knew it, too... and let her disapproval be fully felt. Not because what I want doesn't matter - but because she knew I could do this and not be a weenie about it... and choosing NOT to do it/face it was NOT the mom she thought she respected.   :shock:

Yeah, we do those kinds of things for each other. Makes the little stuff seem really little, and petty, and not worth being irritated over.

So, I went. And the doc totally surprised me. He's a damn leprochaun!! Bright carrot-red hair, big glasses, about a foot shorter than me. I doubt he's as old as Holly. Only thing on the list that's bugging me, is he wants to check out a heart murmur. But he DID let me talk; and DID hear me about my previous invasive (and to me) traumatic heart procedures. When we talked about smoking, I saw that the med profession's strategy has changed... so I was able to let him know how much research I've done into the psych/neuro addiction feedback loops and my conclusion that I needed to address that first in any quit attempts this time.

BP was way normal this time; a little white coat elevation but nothing like it used to be. And it's so fun to see the shock on people's faces when I say I don't take any medications. So, when I get back from Michigan, I do the last gyno stuff EVER... yay... and the test he ordered to check out the heart murmur was an echocardiogram. That won't be such a big deal or physically traumatic. All that can happen at our little hospital here; they're connected to the big med system over the mountain... where Mike's D works now.

We talked about lifestyle modifications too. So I have some "hope" to be able to follow through with this guy, if he sticks around. He didn't treat me like a non-human being specimen. It's a good start. Maybe my friendship with the online doc has helped me deal with my "flee" reaction some, too. But I'd be lying big time to everyone, including myself, if I didn't admit that this heart murmur thing really bothers me and scares the bejesus out of me.

On the other hand: it lays down the law, just Hol's ultimatum did, about what I NEED to do for me and face and deal with - ie, resolve and settle not just come to terms with - and start putting one foot in front of the other and DOING IT.

No more excuses or BS or exceptions.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

Hopalong

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Re: End of the Road Farm
« Reply #265 on: September 24, 2018, 02:50:23 PM »
BRAVO for facing the doctor, Amber.
Huge bravo.

I have been joyfully and peacefully addicted to nicotine gum for a couple decades now. My desperate recurring attempts to quit over the years had failed and the emotional damage was getting as bad as the physical.

So at my final (2nd) hypnosis appointment I made a conscious decision to maintain a level of nicotine in my bloodstream and ditch the shame about an "alternate dependency." The hypnosis was a miracle, I came out and chewed the gum. And I'm eternally grateful.

FWI, I have zero cravings for smoking any more and the hypnosis helped me implant in my own mind revulsion for cigarettes. However, I'll crawl the walls if I run out of the gum. That is just fine with me. It was a conscious, rational tradeoff that spared me withdrawal and kept me on my fav drug...virtually harmlessly.

(Well harmless except it ain't cheap. But I found a way to order it from a reliable, decent, excellent service overseas...let me know if you ever want that info.)

Just a thought.

xxxooo
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

sKePTiKal

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Re: End of the Road Farm
« Reply #266 on: September 26, 2018, 09:54:06 AM »
Fast moving situations, or lots & lots of life-stuff... are not conducive or supportive or nurturing... to attempts to mentally/emotionally change habits, or ways of thinking/being.

For me, at least.

Things are busy - and then they're not - around here all the time. There are different kinds of things that need to be dealt with - so I can move on to the next thing. Changing those "hats" so often, so quickly... or wearing more than one at once... feels like I'm out of control; not thinking all the way THROUGH... or seeing all the angles of something. Like I'm blundering, flailing, and will be trapped into something I can't get out of. A danger to myself.*

Yet, I've managed large institutional changes; that involved one on one interaction with hundreds of people. Sailed through huge life changes (people are always asking: so what craziness is your life right now?) and somehow landed on my feet, no matter the size of the wave I'm surfing.


* All because of minor mistakes or misunderstandings; not being able to express myself simply and clearly; or even being able to say "what I want" and it's my "fault" for "feeling like this". None of my mistakes are "life threatening". Hahahahahaa.

These two realities are mutually exclusive. They can't both exist/be real at the same time. Yet they do. Lighter's brain integration studies are something I'm following along with. I feel like I know exactly what she's talking about... but it doesn't come out the verbal side of my brain. At all.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

sKePTiKal

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Re: End of the Road Farm
« Reply #267 on: October 04, 2018, 06:52:45 AM »
Getting ready for business trip; leaving this weekend. I'm going to try to nail down some important stuff for the future. No idea if that's even possible... but it's worth trying to open the conversation about it.

Holly finished an interesting project. It's a "knit with your hands" wool roving blanket - like a giant sweater. Made with with wool roving as thick as my wrist; lightly felted; then using your hands as knitting needles to "knit" the wool. The wool is expensive, but she essentially finished the project in a day.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

Hopalong

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Re: End of the Road Farm
« Reply #268 on: October 04, 2018, 04:52:21 PM »
Good luck on your business/legalese venture, Amber.
Hope it nails down that security for the years ahead.

Holly's knitting project sounds waaaaaay cool.
I love color and especially natural textures in clothing,
pretty hard to find (outside of high end craft, that is).

Travel safe! I'll be on the road too this weekend, just
to the beach, books on tape geared up.

xo
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

lighter

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Re: End of the Road Farm
« Reply #269 on: October 04, 2018, 08:53:12 PM »
Well that's 3 of us out of town.  I'm leaving tomorrow...be back the 15th.  Safe travels. 
Lighter