Author Topic: Just the crap I've been up to - LOL  (Read 5861 times)

sKePTiKal

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Re: Just the crap I've been up to - LOL
« Reply #30 on: October 29, 2017, 03:01:24 PM »
Hops - it was the voice of experience that was smacking common sense back into me. Been around that block a few times myself. It never ends ends well for anyone.

I think I'm going to handle it by just coming out and saying it: You're sweet, and I'm glad to have your help around here... and if I can do ya a favor or so in return, I will - but it won't be THAT kind of favor and that's as far as it goes. I'm encouraged that he kinda came to his senses and backed out, too. I'm definitely not feeling entitled to being anyone's "a little on the side".

I think I'm surprised and shocked at my inner huzzy, to tell the truth. LOL. But there it is. Didn't help that somewhere in my undisciplined thinking, fantasizing and reminiscing... I remembered the most flaming flirtation, attraction of my life. He's long passed away now. But he pulled me out of my shell in ways that only ever happened again, with Mike.

I think it was a reminder that I can't neglect this part of myself. Just a little more intense than my usual "reminders". Jeez. And maybe putting me on notice that's "it's time" be a little more available, to those who are, as well.
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sKePTiKal

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Re: Just the crap I've been up to - LOL
« Reply #31 on: October 30, 2017, 09:58:20 AM »
When I told Holly about this... she interrupted to ask if I might not be projecting my fantasies onto this poor guy. I can see how she came to that perception. I'm not TOTALLY sure, myself.

Maybe his intentions in making the requests were totally innocent. But the fact is, he did ASK. And it was the request that got my wheels turning off in fantasyland. I'm sure that does say a lot more about me, than him.

So, that'll take some thinking about... quiet feeling out those spaces... and more processing. Pretty sure it's not that far out of the range of experience after my loss. But as usual, I forgot it was something I needed to watch and notice about myself. And like a gawky teenager... I will likely swing around the extremes a bit before I find a more graceful way of navigating this part of life.

What on earth convinces guys to post shirtless pictures of themselves to online dating sites???? What a turn off. I just tell the database, they're not a match and move on. I took a quick tour of what "our time" considers a match for me - bleck. It reminds me of the old "meat markets" of the 80s. It's more fun to cruise the dog adoption sites... and the dogs & puppies are way cuter and look more interesting.
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Hopalong

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Re: Just the crap I've been up to - LOL
« Reply #32 on: October 30, 2017, 10:11:14 PM »
Oh, I hear you.
I especially love the selfies some of these good gents take in their bathrooms.
It's mighty brave!

I mean...some are willing to share not just their chests, but their medicine chests!

I am not a bathroom snob.
Nor a naked chest snob.

But on websites, in combination...my stars and garters.

 :lol:

Hops
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Twoapenny

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Re: Just the crap I've been up to - LOL
« Reply #33 on: November 04, 2017, 03:22:56 AM »
When I told Holly about this... she interrupted to ask if I might not be projecting my fantasies onto this poor guy. I can see how she came to that perception. I'm not TOTALLY sure, myself.

Maybe his intentions in making the requests were totally innocent. But the fact is, he did ASK. And it was the request that got my wheels turning off in fantasyland. I'm sure that does say a lot more about me, than him.

So, that'll take some thinking about... quiet feeling out those spaces... and more processing. Pretty sure it's not that far out of the range of experience after my loss. But as usual, I forgot it was something I needed to watch and notice about myself. And like a gawky teenager... I will likely swing around the extremes a bit before I find a more graceful way of navigating this part of life.

What on earth convinces guys to post shirtless pictures of themselves to online dating sites???? What a turn off. I just tell the database, they're not a match and move on. I took a quick tour of what "our time" considers a match for me - bleck. It reminds me of the old "meat markets" of the 80s. It's more fun to cruise the dog adoption sites... and the dogs & puppies are way cuter and look more interesting.

Ha, the perils of internet dating, Skep!  Yes, it's an eye opener.  I think this guy is just waking you up to the possibility of a man being part of your life again - not him, for all the reasons you've already said, but it seems his attention, whatever form it is taking, has made a little something in you wake up and think okay, maybe this part is coming back to life.  I think that's a good thing, even though it's not a path you want to go down with this particular chap, but it seems to be sending a signal that that part of your life is coming into focus.

And yes, I think clear, no messing about statements about what is and isn't on the cards is best - saves any future misunderstandings or anyone crossing the line so much that the nice helpful quality of your friendship is affected xx


lighter

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Re: Just the crap I've been up to - LOL
« Reply #34 on: November 05, 2017, 11:54:15 PM »
Amber:.
How will you seek out male companionship for yourself?  It's tough to be so isolated, and want to expand your social circle I'm sure.

Your cabin reminds me very much of my father's house.  Pecky Cyprus ceilings and walls with hardwoods....so warm and cozy.  You have so many great vinyl flooring choices these days, and it's a no brainer in wet areas for sure.

About this younger man.... I'm glad he's creating sparks, but I agree with Hops and you.  Too many pitfalls,and ways it could go wrong.  Cultivating connections with potential seems a better use of your time, and there's no moral wrestling match.  Even if it was easy and casual and super convenient, it might get weird.  Possibly very weird, but you're a big girl.  I trust you'll make decisions that are right for you.  You deserve to be cherished and honored.
Lighter











sKePTiKal

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Re: Just the crap I've been up to - LOL
« Reply #35 on: November 06, 2017, 02:41:55 PM »
Well, I'm still looking at all this.

On the one hand, I'm clearly not dead yet - in that I can still feel all those feelings - and for someone besides Mike. Quite the revelation, actually. That's good news.

But this other guy already has his hands full. I'm pretty sure I didn't "project" his request to spend the night... or his other comments that gave me pause. (Even while the fantasy-machine was cranking up...) So, I'm not misunderstanding anything here. And maybe he's just "playing" and doesn't mean any of it. (Which is possible since he begged off.) I just have to more ready the NEXT time, and shut it down faster. (I guess I need the practice, too.)

My over-protective "useful Big Brother" keeps warning me about the special things to watch out for, being a pretty well-off, widowed hermit. Especially in the rural areas where people don't have a lot to talk about except each other. And one is being taken advantage (emotionally) by someone for their own agenda. David's 10 years older than I am (more or less) and went through some of the same things when he moved out to the boonies in South Dakota. I quite like him - but he's taken too - and he will NOT come back east at this point in his life. So, we've navigated that really well to where we're both comfortable.

What Ronnie is up to, I'm not entirely sure... but I'm not imagining things (except my own little fantasies). So, I'm choosing to be flattered... but "not interested" in that kind of relationship and I have a lot of experience scaring guys off. So, while I do like the offers of help - he doesn't follow through that well or I see other things about him, that give me pause. I have reminded him more than once, that I'm also "country smart"  - wise to some of the hustles people use.

When I told him the other day about hurting my back moving the trailer by myself - out of my own foolishness - he asked why I didn't call him. I told him it was because I was stubborn and hard-headed and the fire was shooting out of my eyes... as I was fighting the pain trying to do something else that had to get done. LOL. I can still make guys back up. I guess I pulled muscles on Sat... but it wasn't until Tuesday - when I had to leave during "school bus" hours in the morning and deal with my wretched intersection with the highway that the problems really set in.

I was driving down to the little cabin to inspect things and bring back some stuff I didn't want to leave there - including Mike's ashes. Planned to meet someone who'll take down some trees and work on my driveway, too. And I think I went out without being dressed warm enough... then drove the 2 hrs home - again having to "turn my rig around" up the hill - across the highway during the pm school bus time frame... to be able to pull into my road. And then of course, having to unload everything... put the trailer back in it's spot... and THEN the old muscles started to really hurt.

I just have to be able to do stuff like this MYSELF. I can't be calling for - and waiting on help - all the time. But I think I probably have a lot to learn about what I can/can't physically do still.

Kitchen remodel is this week. Guy will be here to unhook the current range pretty soon. Demo tomorrow. Install early Wed morning; then plumbers & gas inspection Thursday. No word on the buildings yet, but I did hear the SOONEST it could possibly happen is Wed. I'm not holding my breath.
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Hopalong

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Re: Just the crap I've been up to - LOL
« Reply #36 on: November 06, 2017, 09:38:25 PM »
Awww, Amber. I'm so sorry you're hurting.
If anything amplifies loneliness, pain does.
((((((( )))))))

Sometimes when I've been in an awkward, uneasy situation like yours with Ronnie, I find the solution is not to wait. Not to wait for his signals, not to worry about decoding him. But to take ownership of myself, and step up, by saying directly: "I have a rule about this, and I am not going to cross it. So thanks for the help and here's your check, but I don't want this to be so personal."

And small town or no...there are other Ronnies. If this relationship is tainted now, it's okay to move on. It sounds as though in your hunger, you reveal and risk quite a lot with him even in dialogue. Giving him that memorable a look into your core is something a lonely person does. (Happy to share my Tshirt collection....). It's a power to display and if one's a bit reckless, to hand over.

I think you need to be your own guardian, and guard yourself not out of a sense that you're bad or dangerous, but out of respect for the vulnerability of where and how you live, and that you're a newcomer there and don't need to be the scandal of the valley, and that you haven't yet spent enough time in the town to actually bond with other rings of this complex circle of community.

I hope you find other new friends there. It'll take effort. But plugging into community life in some way, and regularly, will help ground you in a positive relationship with the ecosystem you've entered. You're not an invasive plant.

You're a wonderful interesting woman who deserves to be enriched by other people, plural. Be wary of fixation on male energy. You have plenty of your own.

love to you,
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Twoapenny

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Re: Just the crap I've been up to - LOL
« Reply #37 on: November 08, 2017, 01:01:43 AM »
A lot of the time when I read through a thread and want to reply I realise all I need to write is, "Yeah, what Hops said".  Lol

I hope your back muscles feel better soon.  I get a lot of problems with my back so I understand that feeling very well.  And I hope the kitchen plans go well, it sounds like another big step forward

sKePTiKal

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Re: Just the crap I've been up to - LOL
« Reply #38 on: November 08, 2017, 11:03:43 AM »
Yes Lighter, our Hopsy has a way with words, doesn't she? LOL...

Thanks for the support Amazons. I guess I'm slowly realizing that this is also a "two steps forward, one step back" process. And while parts of "me" are more than ready to take on something like this... there are other parts that really AREN'T.

I'm fixated, of course, on my relationship with Mike... and thinking I need exactly THAT again. But that's not going to happen - and I knew that a long time ago. Plus, I am completely different than I was when that relationship blossomed (rather quickly) into a marriage. We were both coming from the same kind of life... incomes... etc. And then we adjusted together, to my new financial situation. It was very lucky that my biggest complaint about him was his "collecting stuff" habit. I haven't been so lucky previously.

And that scares the crap out of me. A "smooth operator" can definitely take advantage of that "need" and then flip into a controlling, greedy, possessive -- and financially, serious risk -- to me, my business and the kids. I CAN'T trust my perception and instinct, because I've gotten myself into "fixes" before... not seeing all the signs of problems... which of course, I've learned about in the course of being on the board here. (How many years is that? Would I be considered "slow" in developing confidence in myself?? LOL)

So, I don't want that kind of relationship. And except for my smooshy, marshmallow-y, needy side which just wants to swoon and trust that a new hero will swoop in to catch me... I need to start writing an outline for myself... and ask myself some questions about what would/wouldn't be OK with me in a relationship. I need to KNOW this for myself before I can risk being open with someone at that level. Just because: once burned twice shy.

---------------- New topic and tale... and some thinking out loud --------------

All spring & summer, Ronnie was scarce around here. He pointedly avoids direct interaction with me if my friends or the kids are here - even when I've invited him to join us. He definitely only wants a one on one interaction. And there is a clear attempt to ingratiate himself into my "good graces". Yesterday's was a phone call with a piece of information that we both have an interest in - the guy who owns the land behind me and that Ronnie hunts, is thinking about selling it. Out of the clear blue sky. And of course, Ronnie is offering to be of any help he can be... to help me buy it.

Obviously, I don't want a subdivision to go in there - and at the moment the only vehicle access is MY DRIVEWAY. In some cases, when something like that happens, I've seen instances where the developers feel entitled to tell me what I can/can't do on my property. So, I told him I'd do some research - and take some time to think about it. I'm real estate poor as it is, until the beach house sells. But yes, I could buy this large parcel of land outright and yes, it would enable me to do a few more things IF I had some additional physical help. (See where that could work out good for Ronnie? I can also see him asking me to sell him a chunk too.)

What he doesn't understand, is that Mike was the black belt at this kind of thing -- but he didn't engage in it with ME. At all, ever. He taught me how to think like that... to protect myself. What I'm good at, is appearing to be the naive, and unsuspecting female... to find out what I need to know. Getting enough information that I can read what the "pattern" in front of me - even if it's confusing - is telling me.

So, it's about 24 hrs later. I DO have a really strong self-interest in initiating contact with the owner and opening a discussion. (For all I know, Ronnie offered to run it past me with the owner. He does things like that, but would never let on to me.) So, I have the owner's phone number... and left it with Ronnie, that he didn't need to be in the middle of this, and thanks for the heads up. I've run the picture of the opportunity past BOTH of my useful big brothers and Doc said to not think about it; just buy it, if I'm not going into debt to do so... LOL. My bankers are already drooling over being able to invest that amount of money for me... if I DON'T do something with it. But I've also been throwing out ideas to the kids about ways to help them, in the here and now... without waiting till I'm compost.

So, it's at this point in all the crazy casual "relationship" - which it doesn't quite rise to that level in reality - that the steel gates come down and I don't chat about the goings on with him, beyond his "need to know" and same goes for my reasons for wanting that land. And maybe I'll get a chance to have my little talk with him about the other stuff. Sometimes, it's nice that my marshmallow morphs into a Viking at the drop of a hat.

I also have run this "Ronnie problem" past my widow friend who lives further downstate. She is pretty perceptive, and told me to consider that Ronnie might be having "marriage problems" and to dig out my 10 ft pole, too. Just like you guys. So that appears to be the consensus. And my distrust of his motivations is now strong enough, to be more on guard. So that problem is solved, settled in my own mind. I just need an opportunity to make that black & white for him.
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Hopalong

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Re: Just the crap I've been up to - LOL
« Reply #39 on: November 08, 2017, 12:32:49 PM »
Quote
and then flip into a controlling, greedy, possessive -- and financially, serious risk -- to me, my business and the kids.
 
PM me if you'd like a very trustworthy and worth-the-drive estate attorney with a ton of experience with large clients and small. He also goes elsewhere in the state for consultations. This is what trusts are for. Bonus: his British accent.

Quote
left it with Ronnie, that he didn't need to be in the middle of this, and thanks for the heads up.

BRAVO. Yes, exactly.

Quote
What I'm good at, is appearing to be the naive, and unsuspecting female... to find out what I need to know.

Why pretend to be someone you're not? Why "trick"? It can feel SO good to speak straight up to those you trust, as you have with your friends. You can do the very same thing with professionals. What Ronnie offered is a straightforward real estate tip. Good to know, and you may choose to act on it. But that's all it was. It doesn't get to be embroidered into any form of enmeshment or intimacy or deeper relationship unless you invite it to.

Exciting you might get to preserve some land you'd enjoy protecting. For the land, for your family. You might even keep a protective parcel and develop part in a way you'd feel good about. Or not.

Quote
it would enable me to do a few more things IF I had some additional physical help. See where that could work out good for Ronnie?
In rural communities, there are many physically strong, skilled people familiar with land and trees and equipment, who need work. Side jobs or PT jobs or whatever. Ronnie is not the only available helper where you live. Whack a line drive and you'll knock over 10 of them, without the vibes.

All this advice should be sifted for what rings sensible to you....ignore what doesn't....
You could go find out where women, firefighters, volunteers, vets gather. But don't look at hiring male help as a reason to act "naive and unsuspecting". You can be direct and clear. Describing the kind of help you need and asking for recommendations. It can be good to get recommendations from women who seem non-manipulative, experienced and decent. You can even mention, I'd like to hire some trustworthy help that I can feel comfortable around. Any woman who's lived a while knows what that means. Whether or not you're religious, a church community might be a good place to look, too. It's no guarantee, but you can find men who wouldn't cross boundaries.

And then you do need (I know you know this) to shore up your own. One day you will be able to melt and be vulnerable again. It'll come when it's right and you're ready. But wouldn't it be wonderful to meet someone* in the community, not just as the Lady of the Mountain? (My last lover was a friend who'd gardened for me, and in my loneliness, watching his muscles, etc. All very nicely Chatterly, but we had too little in common by a long shot.)

Quote
He definitely only wants a one on one interaction.
That's guilty behavior. That's not married-man behavior. It means fantasy, and likely future harm.

Quote
I can also see him asking me to sell him a chunk too.
Oof. Installing a problematic person (or a person who stimulates your own problematic side) permanently nearby. "No, not in my plan, sorry." No further explanation required.

When I was in grad school, the most strikingly talented and beautiful woman I knew, who could be slaying men and making them swoon right and left if she wanted, spent a ton of time in a rural quilting circle. Local farm women, artsy types, ordinary women of all sorts got together every month and did old-fashioned quilting...and talking and talking and talking, plus a potluck....together. It was my first glimpse of the strength and support and astonishing comfort women could give each other.

It wasn't what I experienced from other females when I was young. But as an adult, it changed my life to recognize and celebrate the power and significance of female friendship. I hope you find that too. It's steadying, balancing, comforting, encouraging. (There are always competitive or insecure women to avoid, and that's okay. People are still people.) It just took me a long time to discover how my fear of liking and trusting female friendship had meant I was cheating myself of the strength and support of sisterhood.

Hmmm, more I think about it, more I think that CRAFTERS, who populate a lot of mountain areas, might be where some of your as yet unmet sisters are. Of course! Potters, weavers, bread bakers, quilters and painters. Many are female and many build community. Instinctively trusting and helping each other.

Aww heck. Hope some of this is helpful. And not too annoying. I'm so cheering for you in your new life, Amber. I see it wonderful and see you happy.

hugs,
Hops

*SINGLE (ie, divorced or widowed. Not "separated...").
« Last Edit: November 08, 2017, 12:40:21 PM by Hopalong »
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lighter

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Re: Just the crap I've been up to - LOL
« Reply #40 on: November 08, 2017, 01:42:37 PM »
Aw, Amber.  Back pain.... so debilitating.

I use bio freeze, a back vibrator, and a lot of bending forward allowing my spine to lengthen, and hang.  I also do what appears to be dirty dancing against a wall, or on the floor to work out lower back muscle tightness.  If that doesn't work I swallow hard and ask retired chiropractor for an adjustment, which I hate to do.  I'm a bit like you... I want to do things on my own, and not have to ask for help, esp male help.

It looks like you have the Ronnie thing in hand.  The property will be a great deal you'll feel is worth considering, or it won't, IME.  Heck, the owner might be interested in owner finance that works out well for both parties.  Hard to say till you've dug around, and collected the details, IME.

I want to say that the sparks with Ronnie are really useful information, IME.  It doesn't have to be anything more than that.  You can file him away somewhere safe, and wash your hands of the ick factor, or you can allow it to keep coming up, and bugging you.  I'd re file him gratefully, and not give it another thought unless he requires a quick correction that makes clear your position.

In the meantime, how are you dealing with your back?  Is it getting better?

Lighter


sKePTiKal

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Re: Just the crap I've been up to - LOL
« Reply #41 on: November 09, 2017, 09:10:44 AM »
I don't want to jinx it - but yes, my back is better this morning. So far - later in the day, it seems to kick up again. But the plumbers are on the way now, so I've got most of the day being comfy still and not trying to do much. New stove is a dream btw. I'm anxious to bake in it and get my thermometer going in it to learn how much I can trust the controls/temp.

Hops - I'm afraid I totally confused you with "naive" comment. I DO, in most cases, make initial contact with someone straightforwardly, and as clearly as I can. I ONLY play that part (intentionally) when I suspect someone is trying to BS me or has ulterior motives in play or when I think it will generate some more solid clues about what that person really wants.

Sometimes, the role jumps out instinctively, protectively - and while it sets off an internal argument about just WTH I thought I was doing - it still produces solid results I can work with. Remember, I've been here a year now and Ronnie's been here - coming & going from the hunting grounds as he pleases - during that time. He does stop and talk to me, again - when I'm here alone and not when anyone else is around.

All the little intuitive things about him have added up over time. Confirming my suspicions/worries... until this last thing made it perfectly clear. He KNOWS now, he can push my lonely button and that in an offhand moment that I'll cave. I'm kinda hoping that since he backed off that weekend - only asking if I "needed" him to come and stay and hangout - that it's the end of it. I know I'll be having that chat, at our next opportunity, if he stops talking long enough for me to get a word in edgewise.

As for buying this property - we'll see. It's an opportunity for me, but Mr. Owner has forwarded his phone and all I get is a busy signal. So I can't even leave voicemail. I know people in DC are busy and when they have downtime, they totally unplug... but if this continues, I guess I'll wait till he lists it. The only other option, is that he might answer Ronnie's phone number. And I'd rather not have to ask him right now.

You're totally right about hiring other "help" than Ronnie. I've done that all summer long... it doesn't have to be Ronnie. That hit me yesterday thinking about all this and what I might do with all that land. As for the next Mr. Right... while I'm going to keep my options open... I think I do have some criteria that are non-negotiable. I'm not going to go off latching on to the first possibility that comes along, either. Never fear.

And sometime, when these big projects are done and the other stuff is under control... yes, I'll get out again. I'm really looking forward to that - as soon as I'm free to "move about the planet" again. LOL. I have multiple ideas/plans actually. Just not at that point in time yet.

ETA:

Twiggy's "really awful bad day" has been coming up for me a lot lately because of things in the news, and people talking about... and the fact that Holly works on the special effects crew of House of Cards. I was just able to write the whole story in one paragraph - and NOT relive it in the telling. That's a milestone I think.

But I think writing out my brother's situation... I realize that just below the conscious level, for all 3 of us... lurks our individual experiences of Twiggy's "really awful bad day" and the fear that this is another situation that could be like that. Bro has never, ever mentioned it and I'm not sure what, if anything, he remembers -- and my mom knows better than to go there with me. I've mostly forgiven her... so any more BS excuses about her behavior to me in that situation will just wake up the anger that I know is still barely simmering.

My T made me understand that it was critically important that I did not share my story and memories with the Bro. I think, because his reaction the first time, was to regress and pretty much cease to function as a "self". I'm gonna guess that it's even MORE important right now, since his current situation is closely enough parallel to the level of trauma from the past it almost looks like he & mom are living a deja vu of that time.
« Last Edit: November 10, 2017, 09:37:14 AM by sKePTiKal »
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sKePTiKal

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Re: Just the crap I've been up to - LOL
« Reply #42 on: November 10, 2017, 09:23:54 AM »
I'm up, and moving slow. It's frigid and getting colder today outside. I need to break in the woodstoves today. The good news is I was able to turn over in bed, with only minor grumbling from my back. So... one more easy day today... which lets me think and spew things out my fingers.

This year, I got a card and a phone call from my mom, for my birthday. Go figure. Card was totally out of character for her, and her writing is starting to look like my brother's. Of course - the call was typical, same old same old... but I am starting to observe little signs that she's giving up some of her victim-complex. My brother's divorce is likely part of that - so I don't expect it to be permanent.

My brother called later in the day... and we talked for a good hour. This is a new bright spot in my "family" situation. It helps add some to my empty cup of "intimacy" with another person. While he is looking for commiseration and support because of his divorce process - and some advice here and there - I'm no longer feeling the subtext of "can you fix this for me"? that I used to. He finally made his decision, he's not second-guessing himself at all - while still mourning the dream of "what could've been", and he's being really open about his feelings in a way that I've not seen for years & years & years.

At this point, his lawyer is advising him to leave the house before Thanksgiving - because it's not safe for HIM. Wife is completely off her rocker and physically violent - and extremely abusive all the rest of the time. He has the same natural self-defense mechanisms I do... but under the circumstances understands he MUST keep them completely in control. The problem is Mom. He's recognized that it wouldn't be safe to leave her behind (I give my mom the odds over the wife, but then mom will have another breakdown) - but he doesn't want to share the space with her either. And I know I can't. At 84, she couldn't deal with all the steps at my place.

So, while he's found a couple interesting places to buy - he doesn't want to do that until the divorce is final. They don't have their first sit-down mediation meeting until January. So, he's having to find a place to rent. I am pushing the social interaction of an assisted living community for my mom - especially one that can adapt to more nursing, as needed. Guess I'm on the hook for half the cost... and likely doing the legwork to find something in the area she's living in - and is familiar with. He didn't ask that... I'm just realizing it this moment. He doesn't have time to do both. And he's sleep deprived because of the abuse at home.

The oldest kid is in college now. She refuses to go back to the house - whether her mom is there or not... because mom will call her screaming at her, if she goes home and hangs out with Dad instead of her. The youngest will graduate HS in 2 years. I've seen firsthand how she treats him - but he seems totally immune to it - like water off a duck's back. But it may not be safe for him to continue to live with mom either -- the wife transfers a lot of her anger at my brother onto the boy. I need to mention that to the bro... in case the marriage counselor, which bro is still seeing (wife quit a few years ago) hasn't done so. Counselor has diagnosed wife as "characteristically hostile"... among, possibly also sociopathic and bi-polar.

So, something else I need to figure out now is "what's best for mom"... Mom is getting pickier and more complain-y in her old age... but does like having someone around to talk to even though she claims she doesn't. LOL. She was always impossible to please... nothing was ever good enough for a grateful "thank you". And of course, there is the problem of all mom's "stuff" which STILL matters more to her than anything else.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

Hopalong

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Re: Just the crap I've been up to - LOL
« Reply #43 on: November 10, 2017, 11:44:57 AM »
Oh my gosh. Those poor kids. Their mother is ensuring they will have long scars from the divorce. And your brother...it's good he's moving forward to divorce but I hear you saying it feels perilous to everyone. I'm so sorry. It's wonderful that his reaching out has brought you closer, though. Has he been to see your new place yet?

Good news that assisted living will happen for your Mom. After the adjustment, she may become surprisingly happier. I notice every day how the residents at the place where I work create "family" for each other. They're in and out of each other's simple apartments all the time, they check on each other, and have dinner together at tables where they build relationships. These folks are in a setting of "independent living plus" kind of thing. Shakily, but they're still mobile. They get basic housekeeping, dinner every night (but only brunch on weekends, so need to manage other weekend meals), and emergency checks. Transportation and various outings are available. There's a very active bridge group, even a writing group. And it's in a pretty setting.

It's not a palace, it's mid-range. (There are a couple of retirement places here that ARE palaces.) But I've noticed how much they care for each other, and that's a piece I hadn't anticipated.

Once there's a need for actual assisted living (help with ADLs, or Activities of Daily Living, like dressing, bathing, meds) there's a new building with one-room apartments and that higher level of care. Plus a separate memory unit.

What bugs me is this place is NOT adding skilled nursing in their mammoth new facility we've all been watching go up. So, it must mean the real profit is in the assisted living and memory care...both of which are relatively easy to run and nicely expensive. But for people who become seriously weak or ill and need NURSES...they have to move somewhere else. Pisses me off that they all live in fear of that trauma--having to move away from their friends and familiar staff--but I'm sure running a nursing unit is more complicated and thus less profitable for the corporate owners.

Ugh. Those who die in their sleep before the end stages of American "care" are lucky.

Now that I've cheered everyone up...ta for now.  :?

Glad your back pain is better Amber...we've been synchronized with that this week. You be careful, hear? A true thrown-out back would be worse misery than normal if you're stuck in pain alone for long. I'm really glad you've found other helpers and hope a good friend will visit soon. Sounds like it might be time for some company.

love,
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

sKePTiKal

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Re: Just the crap I've been up to - LOL
« Reply #44 on: November 10, 2017, 06:03:07 PM »
The kids show up tomorrow for a couple days Hops. They're eminantly useful and loads of fun. I am breaking in the new stove... made a cheesecake today and cooking lamb ahead of a shepherd's pie tomorrow. I haven't been much of a cook lately... so I feel like spoiling them a little. Might break out the grill Sunday morning for pancakes. There aren't any big jobs for them to do.

The hunters also arrive probably Sunday; maybe Monday... for the opening week of rifle season. I might have to think about doing some Christmas shopping that week... LOL.

oops not done yet - LOL -

I have to take & post a pic of the cutest little Lodge cast iron dutch oven I got - just right to cook for me! My big one is either 4 or 6 qts. This is a lot easier to manage.
« Last Edit: November 10, 2017, 06:04:49 PM by sKePTiKal »
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.