Author Topic: Heist on Something....  (Read 171 times)

sKePTiKal

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3373
Re: Heist on Something....
« Reply #15 on: November 21, 2017, 06:54:13 AM »
Sometimes I CAN over-analyze things, putting myself into a kind of uncertain paralysis. Sometimes, it's way better when I just notice how I feel with someone. Are we just talking - telling our stories - and being open with each other? Admitting mistakes, but stretching to grow? And comfortable in that!

Even at more mature ages, people DO grow - and the number of "deal breakers" for a relationship seem to decrease. And in that case, one doesn't want to shop for someone "exactly" like oneself. Mike and I mostly had the important things in common, but not all of them. In some ways he was my opposite. And opposites do attract. And a relationship is like compost... it should nurture growth in the partners. This far down the road, I can say that the things I loved the most about him were precisely the things that drove me the nuttiest.

If I'd had a list of criteria I was matching up, and trying to evaluate him based on that list... I wouldn't have had so much fun, felt so protected and secure, or loved in return. There were surprising things show up in that relationship too. As much as he seemed to "need" me with him all the time - he was my super-bestest supporter to grow autonomy, to grow into myself.

My advice at this point is keep your "list" short & simple. You know what you absolutlely do NOT want to deal with. You probably also know what your major needs are. Focus on those... let yourself enter into conversation and time spent together as completely as possible and pay attention to how you feel. Are you excited to see him? or nervous? relaxed or wary? Are you having fun together and able to take care of each other while telling your stories (this is a good exercise...) or is there an instant critique, analysis and judgement?

What happens if you beg off a date to do something important to you - like writing over the weekend? Or if you want to change up the current routine and do something different?

Just my thoughts at this point, Hops.

I think you're doing fine. Just enjoy the process for now. Let the "filling out of forms" and ticking off boxes happen a lilttle later.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

lighter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 5561
Re: Heist on Something....
« Reply #16 on: Today at 07:36:41 AM »
Hope:

You are right to back away from expectations, and continue shopping relationships, IME. 

I had a full body stomach flip when I read this man kinda sorta accused you of having hard spots.  Not that any of us should or could be all all soft marshmallows.... it's that he had you in defensive mode.  That's familiar to me, and a red flag.

Im also confused about his wanting to be married or not.  I thought he didn't want it, but now he says he does? 

Stay busy with your own life if you really want more with this man.  Don't show all your cards..... I don't trust him right now, mostly bc he left you confused the first time you asked him about dating other people, but.....

You're right to express your feelings then pay attention to his responses.  Gather information then decide where to file him. 

You don't have to be his ocd twin or a chef or retired with him for this to be right, IMO.  If it's workable and you both want it, the differences will work for you.  I have the feeling he's feeling interviewed, and maybe it's uncomfortable?  Not sure, but you deserve some fun and to pointing tummy flips.

Relax.

Pay attention, and show him what you look like in joyful happily busy mode.  Let the interview mode end for a while.  Don't be available every time he rings or asks to see you if he asks without notice.

Date other people, and remember to seek your joy and have your interests and activities ongoing as priority.  Men like partners with something going on, besides them.

You're so on point and caring.  Please don't let that take your attention.  Pull up, get some emotional distance on this, and feel free to borrow our filters if needed.

Breath, Hops.  You are so bright, and talented, and worthy of a great relationship.  Think about what YOU want.

Lighter