Author Topic: what's wrong with me?  (Read 147 times)

Bettyanne

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what's wrong with me?
« on: August 21, 2017, 05:39:10 PM »
My youngest daughter has cystic fibrosis...she is now 35 which is a miracle in its self.  I have  helped and enabled  her all her life....and I know there is a difference between helping someone out and enabling.  My own NM would enabled me but then she wanted a return on her money big time.  Like doing what she wanted when she wanted.  I didn't see it until I was older what she was doing to me or anyone she was able to get her way with.
 
With my youngest I felt awful that she had the CF and didn't know how long she would live.  Never thinking she would make it this far. She is suppose to start new meds around January that is suppose to help her body go a little bit normal.  Which will be another blessing to come.
But she has been living with bf for the past ten years.  He is very selfish self centered person.  After ten years everything is still split down the middle.  She wanted to have a baby a few years back and was told that was her last chance because her body would change and she would not be able to carry a baby.  So he doesn't want to be married or have any children.  She continues to stay with him.
About ten days ago he got drunk and was combined with weed, which is legal in that state.  He almost hit and hurt her, he called her horrible names.   But you know how this goes.....he says he is sorry and acts somewhat normal again and the beat goes on. This has been an on going type of behavior over the ten years.

I can't take it anymore......I feel I can't support this relationship.  I want to stop......I would do anything for her but when it comes to almost hitting her and foul language I am done.  It has happened in the past and I can't do this .....
I need to get this off my chest.....like you friends to hear me. 
Also this daughter a psychologist isn't that amazing.....my own T says it is so different when it is yourself. 
Thanks for reading and any suggestions would be a help.....Bettyanne


Twoapenny

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Re: what's wrong with me?
« Reply #1 on: August 22, 2017, 01:50:19 AM »
My youngest daughter has cystic fibrosis...she is now 35 which is a miracle in its self.  I have  helped and enabled  her all her life....and I know there is a difference between helping someone out and enabling.  My own NM would enabled me but then she wanted a return on her money big time.  Like doing what she wanted when she wanted.  I didn't see it until I was older what she was doing to me or anyone she was able to get her way with.
 
With my youngest I felt awful that she had the CF and didn't know how long she would live.  Never thinking she would make it this far. She is suppose to start new meds around January that is suppose to help her body go a little bit normal.  Which will be another blessing to come.
But she has been living with bf for the past ten years.  He is very selfish self centered person.  After ten years everything is still split down the middle.  She wanted to have a baby a few years back and was told that was her last chance because her body would change and she would not be able to carry a baby.  So he doesn't want to be married or have any children.  She continues to stay with him.
About ten days ago he got drunk and was combined with weed, which is legal in that state.  He almost hit and hurt her, he called her horrible names.   But you know how this goes.....he says he is sorry and acts somewhat normal again and the beat goes on. This has been an on going type of behavior over the ten years.

I can't take it anymore......I feel I can't support this relationship.  I want to stop......I would do anything for her but when it comes to almost hitting her and foul language I am done.  It has happened in the past and I can't do this .....
I need to get this off my chest.....like you friends to hear me. 
Also this daughter a psychologist isn't that amazing.....my own T says it is so different when it is yourself. 
Thanks for reading and any suggestions would be a help.....Bettyanne

Oh Betty Anne, there's nothing wrong with you.  What a horrible situation.  I think in some ways watching your adult kids suffer is worse than little kids - at least when they're little you can scoop them up and do what you can to make it better.  When they grow up you can only stand back and watch them keep putting their hand into the fire.  That's so hard.  Particularly when she's done so well with her medical condition.  To manage that and then put up with this arsehole - that's tough.
Is there anyone else involved with her regularly - doctor or social worker, perhaps?  The only thing I can think that might help you a little bit is if you can distance yourself a little, but knowing someone else knows about your concerns and can keep an eye out or at least be someone she can go to for help if she wants to.  I think the hardest thing about domestic abuse is that the people being abused often can't see it, and you can't make them see it if they're not ready to.  I don't know how often you see her or speak to her but maybe you can restrict it a little, if you can manage that?  Just to give yourself a bit of a break?  Or perhaps tell her how you feel about the way he treats her (I'd suggest not slagging him off as that tends to make the partner see red but saying "I really don't like x talking to you like that) and that you would prefer not to hear about what he's done (I'm assuming she's telling you rather than someone else?).  I had a friend who always went out with guys who knocked her about and eventually I had to tell her that I didn't want to hear about any more beatings.  It's like watching a car crash over and over.  It means you keep being assaulted as well, in a way.
That's probably not a lot of help.  I do feel for you.  But do try and focus on helping yourself as much as you can, as sadly there probably isn't much you can do for your D in this situation until she decides she wants things to change xx

Hopalong

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Re: what's wrong with me?
« Reply #2 on: August 22, 2017, 06:36:07 AM »
Bettyanne, that's heartwrenching. Is it possible to support her and leave the decision up to her whether to stay in the relationship? I don't know how this is done. I keep thinking of Carolyn Hax (the compassionate columnist in the Washington Post.

There must be ways to continue to show your love for her without sacrificing your own sanity. Or maybe there aren't.

I wish I had helpful advice. One thing I always do when I don't, is Google. I typed in "how to support an adult child in an abusive relationship" and there is a FLOOD of articles and resources. I hope you will read them. Here's the link: https://www.google.com/search?q=how+to+support+a+child+in+an+abusive+relationship&rlz=1C1AVFC_enUS735US735&oq=how+to+support+a+child+in+an+abusive+relationship&aqs=chrome..69i57.6533j0j8&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8

And find support for YOURSELF, so whatever you do or have to not do, you won't be alone in 3D with it.

Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Bettyanne

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Re: what's wrong with me?
« Reply #3 on: August 29, 2017, 09:30:47 PM »
Hopalong and Two a penny, thank you so so much for your replies....I have been so so upset I am having a hard time replying....I will soon....Just saying I am so grateful to you both, Bettyanne

sea storm

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Re: what's wrong with me?
« Reply #4 on: August 30, 2017, 04:52:03 AM »
Hi Bettyanne

whats wrong with you?  Out of all that destruction and chaos that is your daughter's marriage you come up with something is wrong with you. This is so sad and it sounds like you are at your wit's end. It is not you who is making this situation and it is beyond your skills and best efforts to control. It is so important not to let this drive you under with despair.
All you can do is take care of your side of the street and let them take care of their side of the street. This dramatic marital story is theirs. I am not saying this clearly enough.

I remember being married to an abusive husband and very much in love with him. No one and nothing could have torn me away from him. What got through to me was other rare people treating me with respect and caring. When that happened a seed was planted and it was growing at its own speed. Actually, it will sound a bit odd maybe but I lived on a small island with no electricity but it was still lovely. As a young mom I was isolated from other people but I did sign up to do a dance routine for the community centre and the teacher was very special. She was Irish and had choreographed musicals for London theatre. Anyway, she chose a Can Can routine. My baby was eighteen months old and I absolutely wanted to do this and demanded to go so husband had to babysit once a week for two hours. He was furious. Nevertheless a group of ten young women made the costumes and we did a really fantastic can can. It gave me confidence and surprised me that I could learn the routine and do the demanding steps.  That was the beginning of developing self respect and breaking the trance of compliance and the fear of abandonment by a pretty mean husband.

My mother could not have done a thing and it has taken me decades to realize how hard that was for her.  Maybe she felt to blame for my having no confidence but she was helpless to change my life.  Just as you are helpless to change your daughters life. Hard as it is you need to get back to yourself and staying strong and supportive of your daughter in a non interfering way. Al anon helped me learn to step away from a situation when I felt compelled to help.

I don't mean to imply that it is not awful that your daughter is in an abusive relationship. It is god awful. Letting it eat you alive is not good for you. Now more than ever you need to focus on being a good role model for your daughter and showing her that you are there for her and so fully alive and committed to your own life that you don't let anyone take you down.

Hope that is helpful. I don't like what is going on in my daughters marriage and it can really be depressing  but at some level I am overinvolved and that is absolutely not helpful.


All the best to you
Sea

Twoapenny

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Re: what's wrong with me?
« Reply #5 on: August 30, 2017, 01:12:58 PM »
Hopalong and Two a penny, thank you so so much for your replies....I have been so so upset I am having a hard time replying....I will soon....Just saying I am so grateful to you both, Bettyanne

I'm sorry you're struggling, Bettyanne.  I know how paralysing it can be at times.  I hope it eases off a bit soon.

Love Tup xx