Author Topic: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)  (Read 23115 times)

Hopalong

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 11106
Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #990 on: November 06, 2018, 12:15:00 AM »
PS  Broke my heart thinking of you as a little girl trying to deal with your Dad's death. I'm so very sorry you lost him, Tupp. I hope he's one of your Tinkerbells.
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Twoapenny

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2706
Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #991 on: November 06, 2018, 11:31:17 AM »
PS  Broke my heart thinking of you as a little girl trying to deal with your Dad's death. I'm so very sorry you lost him, Tupp. I hope he's one of your Tinkerbells.

He is one of my Tinkerbells, Hops, and yes, my heart breaks for that little girl, too.  Parenting was different then; it was still very 'stiff upper lip' kind of stuff so no-one really said anything about it.  It was like he'd never existed really.  I think what I missed the most was that he was a kind of buffer for my mum's madness.  He absorbed a lot of her craziness and gave us that sense of normality that was always missing after he'd gone.  I think it was even worse for my sister because she was younger, so she literally has no memories of him at all.  I don't have many, but there are bits and pieces there and it's helped balance out the mum effect over the years.

And yes, I think you're right - strong family, easy childhood, peaceful home - they all go such a long way to giving people a good foundation, good coping skills, good decision making skills and so on.  When you don't have that life is like a pinball machine and you just ricochet from one crisis to the next, never quite knowing how to do things because you didn't have an example to follow (or not a healthy one, anyway).  I like the idea of Tinkerbells, too, and thank you for your kind words, as always.  Today has been a tough one - I'm very tired, not sleeping well and conscious that I have paperwork to deal with that I just don't want to do.  I may put it off for another evening and have a nice bath instead :) xx

sKePTiKal

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3813
Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #992 on: November 06, 2018, 01:00:22 PM »
I don't think it's doing ourselves any favors, to assume that because people grow up with those "normal" conditions... that they somehow have a leg up on us, getting through life. I've not ever seen any studies or stats about this kind thing; just theories.

But I KNOW people from those kinds of "environmental advantages" - that their lives are disasters and they've had a large role in making it that way. Even in the same family; some manage to not fall into those issues while their sibs do.

Think about it; people who never encounter any difficulties or challenges growing up, don't exacty have the opportunity to discover "resilience"... so when the first major disappointment happens, they have NO coping skills at all. All the family support, all the encouragement, all the money or educational "advantages" - none of that "saved" them from a downward spiral.

I guess that idea/reality is how I developed my "silver lining" theory, pertaining to how I get through life's ups and downs: even for some of the worst things I've been through -- I still gained perspective, experience, and an appreciation for what I "could" do... if I tried. There have been some amazingly good things I've collected - by going through really awful life experiences.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

Twoapenny

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2706
Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #993 on: November 07, 2018, 07:52:26 AM »
I don't think it's doing ourselves any favors, to assume that because people grow up with those "normal" conditions... that they somehow have a leg up on us, getting through life. I've not ever seen any studies or stats about this kind thing; just theories.

But I KNOW people from those kinds of "environmental advantages" - that their lives are disasters and they've had a large role in making it that way. Even in the same family; some manage to not fall into those issues while their sibs do.

Think about it; people who never encounter any difficulties or challenges growing up, don't exacty have the opportunity to discover "resilience"... so when the first major disappointment happens, they have NO coping skills at all. All the family support, all the encouragement, all the money or educational "advantages" - none of that "saved" them from a downward spiral.

I guess that idea/reality is how I developed my "silver lining" theory, pertaining to how I get through life's ups and downs: even for some of the worst things I've been through -- I still gained perspective, experience, and an appreciation for what I "could" do... if I tried. There have been some amazingly good things I've collected - by going through really awful life experiences.

Yes I see what you mean, Skep, although my experiences have been different and the people I know who had happy, abuse free childhoods all seem to have fewer destructive behaviours in their adult life.  Everyone I know with a car crash adult life had a bad childhood.  For me it's not so much about never having a bad experience in childhood, it's more about who causes that bad experience and, if it's your parents, I think it screws your perception of what is normal and kind of sets you off on a wonky path in a way that doesn't happen if it's someone/something outside the family that causes the disturbance.

It's interesting because there's a discussion going on on a Facebook group I'm in about the 'you attract your experiences to you' school of thought and about how it's being used as a way to blame victims for things that happen to them by some people who, ironically, sound quite abusive themselves.  I do think that if you enter your adult life with a sense of who you are and some healthy boundaries in place abusive people will find it more difficult to wangle their way in xx

Twoapenny

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2706
Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #994 on: November 07, 2018, 11:45:36 AM »
I have been pondering life today and I have realised that, even though I'm tired, stressed, struggling with anxiety and still feel like I'm trudging up a mountain all the time, underneath all of that I am happier and I'm certain that moving here was a good thing to do and absolutely the right choice.

I am starting to realise that being happy doesn't necessarily mean constantly turning cartwheels, getting everything you want when you want it, nothing ever going wrong and always being in a calm, refreshed state of mind.  It's more (for me) about getting through the day in a way that suits, focusing on health, trying to rest when possible, dealing with my workload as best I can and trying to build happy memories with son (who has just told everyone on the bus that he's a lesbian - clearly the influence of others at college is confusing him :) ).  I am dealing with my panic attacks and I'm shifting my focus from berating myself for having them (and wishing that I didn't) to knowing I can manage them and hoping that, over time, they will lessen and decrease.  I've had another contact from the Local Authority who have organised a meeting about my son despite my clearly telling them it wasn't something I wanted.  Again, it's that feeling of being ignored and having my wishes ridden over.  It triggers me and makes me angry; we needed these meetings months ago and for them to be organising them for two weeks before the court date is inappropriate and unhelpful.  We've had two opportunities to discuss the situation with the judge, by phone, and potentially halt the legal process, and they failed to attend either.  So it does make me angry and upset and I did feel the panic start to rise.  But it's okay, I have emailed back and politely declined to attend and I will save everything I have for the hearing itself and the complaint I will be putting in afterwards.

All in all, things are good.  I would love to be sleeping more and I need another trip to the osteopath as my back is playing up, but overall I'm happy and life is feeling pretty good at the moment xx

Twoapenny

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2706
Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #995 on: November 08, 2018, 01:54:39 PM »
Something has happened that will probably not sound like much but it has me turning cartwheels and feeling about ten stone lighter :)  So of course, I wanted to share!

I've been working with the T, as you know, and it has been helping a lot with the current situation.  One of the things I told her that really bothered me about local authorities and the way that they work is that they're demanding of my time; they call and want an immediate response, they'll keep calling even if you say no to something, they expect you to constantly arrange your timetable to suit them and just generally behave like arses.  I feel very angry and resentful because I feel like I have to keep putting what I want or need to do on hold to jump through their hoops, but not 'doing as I'm told' feels very scary to me and I can't cope with the anxiety, so I tend to get on with it and not do what I want to do.

I've been working on that this week and it's been hard; it does feel like alien behaviour but I've stuck with it.  The LA have arranged a meeting about my son without my knowledge or my consent and they've arranged it the day after the deadline for submission to the court.  I refused to attend and I found it very hard to do so but I want my life to change so I had to go with it.

Anyway - without going into lots of procedural detail (which is very boring and very lengthy to explain) - the fact that I refused to attend has backed them into a corner and they have sent me some information this evening that effectively means a huge chunk of work I was expecting to have to do over the weekend no longer needs to be done :)  What's so amazing about this is that, apart from the fact I literally felt the weight lift from my shoulders and started dancing round the kitchen, it's the first time that standing my ground (in relation to my son) has had a positive outcome.  In the past it has always led to bad things happening but this time it's had a positive outcome and that was what I needed, that change to the outcome so that I don't always associate standing up for him with me being punished.  I know it doesn't mean there will never be another bad experience but it feels like such a positive step in the right direction that I wish there were a way of bottling up the feeling so that I could give myself another dose whenever I need to :)

We've been here four months now and when we moved in my to do list was two sides of A4 long - mostly paperwork and admin type stuff, and that was on top of the normal day to day things and looking after son.  I've just written my current list out and it doesn't fill one page, and that includes scheduling in all the normal stuff and time to do yoga and meditate.  It just feels so good.  Can you imagine what it will be like when the last bit of paperwork is filed, the court hearing is over, son's care plan is in place and I can focus on doing good, positive, healthy things instead of slogging through paperwork?  It genuinely feels like that time is close now and I can't tell you how happy that makes me :)  Woo hoo! xx

Hopalong

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 11106
Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #996 on: November 08, 2018, 09:45:16 PM »
That is fantastic, Tupp.
I know you must have explained to them very clearly and calmly why you were unable to go along with their scheduling because XX information had to be summarized by you, which would take a lot of time, and somehow that jogged loose some cooperation from them?

Doesn't matter, no need to spell it out...but how FABULOUS you must feel. Courteous assertiveness and not only no punishment, but cooperation.

I'm really glad. Yay, YOU!

The shrinking To Do list is amazing. Real. So impressive.

In awe,
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Twoapenny

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2706
Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #997 on: November 09, 2018, 06:36:01 AM »
That is fantastic, Tupp.
I know you must have explained to them very clearly and calmly why you were unable to go along with their scheduling because XX information had to be summarized by you, which would take a lot of time, and somehow that jogged loose some cooperation from them?

Doesn't matter, no need to spell it out...but how FABULOUS you must feel. Courteous assertiveness and not only no punishment, but cooperation.

I'm really glad. Yay, YOU!

The shrinking To Do list is amazing. Real. So impressive.

In awe,
Hops

Thanks, Hops!  It does feel good, and different to normal.  What I'd love is to start getting positive results to the things I do, rather than negative - I think that will help reset my brain because at the moment I kind of feel like I just put myself out there to get whipped again.  I didn't explain anything to them, just told them I wasn't free to attend that meeting.  That in turn means they've had to submit their paperwork to the court in its current state, which means I don't have to do any work on it because it hasn't been changed since the last local authority prepared it and I did all my prep on that last document.  Lol, it sounds even more convoluted when I write it down.  What's been enormously freeing for me - and of course, they don't know this and they don't need to - is that I've put myself first.  I've focused on what's best for me at the moment and this meeting really needed to have happened a couple of months ago in order to give everyone time to write up reports, read them, amend them, get counter reports if necessary and so on.  It's better for me to focus on the actual hearing now - not just in terms of planning and practising the points I want to get across but also in managing my stress levels and getting enough rest so that I'm not worn out and frazzled on the day.  It's such a small thing for other people but for me to have a situation where me saying no resulted in things going better for me is a really big change and it's made me really happy.  My son's at college today; I'm going to have some lunch and then have a little nap before I collect him.  If I had that paperwork to do I'd be loading up on coffee to get me through the rest of the day so I could get it done.  It's such a positive thing for such a simple reason.  I'll even have time to catch up on everyone else's threads over the weekend now! Lol xx

lighter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 6117
Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #998 on: November 09, 2018, 09:04:44 AM »
Woo hoo, Tupp.  We have to celebrate those little victories, and honoring yourself, your time, and your health THIS TIME is just such a victory: )

You're so right.  Building, and reserving your energy is necessary.  Hear! Hear! to carving new pathways, feeling entitled to advocate for yourself, and reframing problems as just what they are......problems, not crisis. 

Well done. 

Regarding one of your prior posts about your expectations for the future... about happiness not being about constantly turning cartwheels all the time.... (paraphrasing here)....

Maybe health is about reducing stress where we can, at every level.  We take in good nutrition, we breath/move/meditate/exercise, and excise toxic people, and situations as we can, when we can.

That's how we get up on our boards, and surf, rather than get pounded by heavy surf.

We more easily float, rather than struggle back to the surface, over and over.

Floating, rather than getting pulled under, and struggling to the surface, again and again.

Swimming with purpose, rather than swirling around in a whirlpool helplessly.

You're capable, and overtly competent, Tupp.  This T knows that.... can SEE it.   

You've moved yourself into safer waters.  You're T is helping you shift into the present... to occupy that space, and live in it.  To stop reacting.  To identify reactivity, calm it, and build new pathways.

As always, I'm in awe.  You inspire me, ((Tupp.))

Lighter







 



Twoapenny

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2706
Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #999 on: November 11, 2018, 05:06:20 AM »
Woo hoo, Tupp.  We have to celebrate those little victories, and honoring yourself, your time, and your health THIS TIME is just such a victory: )

You're so right.  Building, and reserving your energy is necessary.  Hear! Hear! to carving new pathways, feeling entitled to advocate for yourself, and reframing problems as just what they are......problems, not crisis. 

Well done. 

Regarding one of your prior posts about your expectations for the future... about happiness not being about constantly turning cartwheels all the time.... (paraphrasing here)....

Maybe health is about reducing stress where we can, at every level.  We take in good nutrition, we breath/move/meditate/exercise, and excise toxic people, and situations as we can, when we can.

That's how we get up on our boards, and surf, rather than get pounded by heavy surf.

We more easily float, rather than struggle back to the surface, over and over.

Floating, rather than getting pulled under, and struggling to the surface, again and again.

Swimming with purpose, rather than swirling around in a whirlpool helplessly.

You're capable, and overtly competent, Tupp.  This T knows that.... can SEE it.   

You've moved yourself into safer waters.  You're T is helping you shift into the present... to occupy that space, and live in it.  To stop reacting.  To identify reactivity, calm it, and build new pathways.

As always, I'm in awe.  You inspire me, ((Tupp.))

Lighter







 

Yes to all of that, Lighter!  I think perhaps for me now the focus isn't happiness, but health.  My physical, mental and emotional health all help me to cope day to day.  And yes, for me, that is absolutely about keeping stress levels down and having time to eat well, rest, sleep, do yoga, walk, go to the beach and anything else that makes me feel good (or at least not any worse!).

I think as well I have realised there is no rescue party coming.  I gave up on the knight in shining armour thing many years ago, but I have always felt that some sort of big life change would come and it would make me happy.  Now I'm focusing more on trying to  make the most of what's here and now and not keep waiting for something to happen before I start doing what I want to do :)

With that in mind, we headed to the beach yesterday.  It has become son's Saturday thing to play on the slot machines at the beach front arcade so we headed off to do that.  It was a beautiful day, cold but sunny, and I wanted to push myself a bit.  There's a bar on the beach front which I've looked at longingly several times but not gone in to.  It's quite small and the lack of anonymity makes me anxious, as do the reactions of some people to son in enclosed spaces (because of the noises and rocking he does at times).  I also have that guilt about spending money on unnecessary drinks - we can buy them much cheaper in the shop, right?  But I want to change, I need to change, so we went in - and it was lovely.  The whole front of the building is glass and you can see out across the coastline for miles.  The interior is small but they have a large outdoor area and a big balcony (we'll head to that bit next time).  The guy behind the bar was lovely, very sweet and friendly, and they've made tables out of old surf boards and chairs out of big steel barrels - son thought it was amazing.  We were having our drinks when we started to hear music coming towards us.  I looked up towards the main road and there was a rock and roll convention heading towards us :)  Thirty or so people, all dressed in their 1950s gear, rock and roll blaring out on their sound system, all heading for the bar.  They came in to get drinks and they were all so sweet, ages from early twenties to late 70s, I'd have said.  One lady, who must have been 70 if she was a day, had this beautiful red dress with the full skirt and the stiff petticoats underneath, all her hair and make up in the 1950s style, the most amazing handbag.  She just looked incredible.  One guy was on sticks but he didn't let it stop him, they were all out jiving on the sea front :)  It was just incredible, people were stopping to film them and I thought wow, if I'd just gone to the shop to buy a drink and gone home we'd have missed all of this.  We'll definitely go back; they do live music there once or twice a month so I'm going to take son one evening and see how he gets on :)

So yes, stop reacting :)  Float rather than flounder, prevent nervous breakdown rather than keep surviving it.  I feel like I've realised I can give myself permission to live my life the way I want to, I don't need to keep waiting for someone else to do it for me.  And it feels good.  Although scary!  Lol xx

sKePTiKal

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3813
Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #1000 on: November 11, 2018, 08:16:40 AM »
Cross-reference my farm thread post about the medical system bullies, Tupps. Your bullies are the legal/aid system... but there are things in common to both of them. We will figure out how to deal with them - on our terms - and disabuse them of the idea that they can just push people around... and treat them like data in a case file, and NOT like real autonomous human beings.

I really do not believe that this is too much to ask - nay, insist on - and my recent experiences made me realize just how much suffering & stress people who work in that system experience too. I've found myself extending the simple kindness of understanding & support to several of them... who were clearly in need of a stress-relieving giggle or a bright point in their day. They were clearly miserable on so many levels.

I was just reacting & resistant to the prison-mentality of their system, and their expectation that "patients" will automatically bow to their authority, judgement - and not think, feel, or decide a thing on their own.

<shakes head>

All I have to do, is convince a handful of people... show them a better way... and then, they'll convince 5 people...
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

Twoapenny

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2706
Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #1001 on: November 11, 2018, 09:33:32 AM »
Cross-reference my farm thread post about the medical system bullies, Tupps. Your bullies are the legal/aid system... but there are things in common to both of them. We will figure out how to deal with them - on our terms - and disabuse them of the idea that they can just push people around... and treat them like data in a case file, and NOT like real autonomous human beings.

I really do not believe that this is too much to ask - nay, insist on - and my recent experiences made me realize just how much suffering & stress people who work in that system experience too. I've found myself extending the simple kindness of understanding & support to several of them... who were clearly in need of a stress-relieving giggle or a bright point in their day. They were clearly miserable on so many levels.

I was just reacting & resistant to the prison-mentality of their system, and their expectation that "patients" will automatically bow to their authority, judgement - and not think, feel, or decide a thing on their own.

<shakes head>

All I have to do, is convince a handful of people... show them a better way... and then, they'll convince 5 people...

I am catching up on your thread, Skep, but you're so busy it takes me ages to catch up on everything you've been up to!  I'm getting there, you'll have to not do anything for a couple of days so that I can get to the end before you up date it again :)  Lol.

Yes, my attitude now is that I organise what I'm doing and I'm not jumping to their tune.  They don't follow procedure, they're not professional and their lack of ethics horrifies me.  I'm not willing to let this keep affecting me so they're given the opportunity to do their jobs properly - usually more than once - and if they don't, then it's complaints and legal action.  I don't share your empathy for them in their stressful jobs, simply because they can change their job if they want to.  The people using the services don't have any other option and there's no way for me to escape from the stress and the horror they create in my life.  I'm polite, I send in the information they need, I put requests in in good time, but if they then choose to ignore procedure and fabricate reports to prevent my son from getting support then I go ahead with complaints and legal action.  And it does feel better at the moment.  The counsellor has really helped and I'm plodding through today, getting a bit of work done and then resting, doing a bit more work, resting again.  I can see a light at the end of the tunnel now so things are moving in the right direction, albeit slowly!  Now you just need to not do anything else until I've got to the end of your thread lol xx

sKePTiKal

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3813
Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #1002 on: Today at 02:42:29 PM »
Well I'm still dogsitting, and he's desperate for attention - he can play 24hrs; I can't. So I'm not doing much at the moment. You'll get caught up.  ;)
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.