Author Topic: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)  (Read 28536 times)

lighter

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #855 on: August 01, 2018, 08:24:39 AM »
Hi Tup.

I'm so happy to be drinking coffee, and posting on this thread this morning.

Your having the bulk of your move handled is so gratifying as I sit in my mess if puzzledy problems waiting for attention.  Everywhere I turn, there are two more, and each holds two in it's hands.  Sometimes more.

But you're happy to have the bus so close, and friends nearby, and funding approved, and chest pain abating...
::Sniff::.
I
Am
So
Relieved!

And, yes....as Hops said, there will be days and people that let you down, but we know.....
Even if it's not ok....
It's ok.

All will be well, and bumps in the road will always come and go.  Remember you changed the road, it's miles away from old toxic pot hole road, with you set up to roll over anything in your way.  You're so strong....your struggles growing you into a giant, Tupp.

I can't wait to see what your future holds.  You have so much experience, and knowledge in so many areas.  So many.

How will you share your gifts and talents in this safe place, Tupp?  Now you can breathe, look around without fear, and choose without all the toxic people around you.

I hope you've been playing music you love, and dancing....if just in the kitchen, by yourself.

Lighter









Twoapenny

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #856 on: August 01, 2018, 03:44:04 PM »
Thank you, you lot :)  There are lots of posts on other people's threads I need to catch up on, you are all so busy all the time I only need to take my eye off things for a short time and I miss so much! Lol

Hops, I am pretty blown away, too!  Everything just feels easier - warning heard and understood re disappointments or upsets (in fact there was a little one today, admin related, someone at the local authority not getting something done and blaming me for it - triggered me but settled again now).  What I think will make me more resilient to the difficult patches is that so much else is easier.  No bad memories on every corner, no constantly looking around in case I bump into someone I don't want to.  No warning texts from my sister letting me know my mum is on the prowl in the village, absolutely no getting home and finding horrible, disgusting step-father parked at the end of the road.  And no sitting indoors endlessly because it's too difficultexpensive to get out and about.  I think I've done more this week than I usually would in a month - have definitely seen and spoken to more people and just had more fun, you know?

We took the bus to the beach yesterday and when I get a camera I will take some pics and put them up, because the bus takes the coast road and the views are just amazing.  We sat on the top deck and you can literally see for miles.  The sight when you come over the brow of the hill and the ocean unfolds in front of you is just breath taking.  We went to the arcade, then went for a walk, then had an ice cream and had three nice conversations with nice people - three!  In one afternoon.  Amazing.  Son said it was the most awesomest day ever :)  We got home fairly late but again, the view as you come back in to town is lovely, you approach it and cross a river, there are people out and about, seagulls swooping down past the bus windows, the sunshine was glinting from the water, there are little boats bobbing around.  I got a bit tearful because I was just sitting looking at the view and thinking we did it, we really did it - we live in a nice place, there are nice people around, there are nice places to go.  It's just really nice.  Lol :) Thank you for the happy hugs :)

Thank you, Skep, I think you're right about the physical distance being a good thing - it does make a difference.  I think it just means you don't have to put up any kind of coping veneer to manage someone else's toxicity.  I think it's like having a horrible neighbour, isn't it?  If you live next door to someone who makes a lot of noise and generally makes your life unpleasant then moving away from them feels better.  It just feels good not to have that constant slight pressure or awareness of what may happen.  I think it was more draining than I realised.  We are resting and playing and it's so nice!  It just feels good not to have any pressure on (or at least nothing more serious than getting to the bus stop on time!).  It's nice to have choices of what to do and where to go as well and so far nothing's cost a fortune which is good as well :)

Thanks, Lighter, and I hope things go okay at the beach house - you have so much on your plate at the moment, it sounds very tiring!  I am sending some of my happy vibes in your direction :) Son had his transition day at college today and he enjoyed himself and apparently entertained everyone with a joke and a run down of a film we saw last week :)  I had four and a half hours to myself and I just wandered around town enjoying the fact that I didn't need to do anything or go anywhere, or think about son for a while.  It was nice not to have any pressure to get anything done.  So refreshing.  As for what to do next - I think once son is in college I am going to look around for some voluntary work and just see what comes up.  They're opening a new homeless shelter in town and I would really enjoy working with homeless people - I'd love to be able to help people in that situation so I think I'll contact them and see if they need any help.  And then just take it from there.  I am looking forward to just seeing how things go instead of trying to plan and manage everything.  I think the fear being gone means the need to control is greatly reduced as well xx

Twoapenny

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #857 on: August 02, 2018, 12:58:37 PM »
Well we had a blip but it all worked out okay and it's reassured me that moving here is a good thing for us :)

We've had two admin related problems in quick succession (yesterday and today).  I'm in my premenstrual phase so feeling ratty and woke up at 3am and couldn't get back to sleep.  I also can't stop thinking about pizza but I am trying really hard to clean my diet up now so it is driving me bonkers.  We're also quite short on cash (due to second admin cock up meaning we haven't received some money we were expecting).  I felt horrible this morning and back where we lived before I would have stayed in all day, because the prospect of bumping into someone and/or seeing my mum and knowing if I did see someone I'd have to be careful what I said in case it got back to her would have made it too much for me to bother going out so I'd have stayed home and eaten everything in the house.

But - we don't have that issue here.  We'd arranged to meet a friend at the beach so we went off on the bus, picnic in hand and again, just seeing that view as the ocean appears beyond the hill made me think "wow - we actually live here".  We met our friends and had a really lovely afternoon.  Home now - tired but resisting the urge to eat junk.  A bad start turned into a good day and I doubt that would have happened where we lived before.  Feeling very grateful :)

Hopalong

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #858 on: August 02, 2018, 03:24:57 PM »
I love this....I'm going to take inspiration from you, Tupp.

Quote
A bad start turned into a good day

You powered through and found happiness was right there around the corner, ready to reach your spirit again. You just seem on your own side again, but in a calmer way. Not like "I'm on my own side because I can fight like a starved cornered mother tiger" but "I'm on my own side because even though things can and do go astray in this life, I know I can deal with change. And I can cope."

That's what I'm hearing anyway and it warms the cockles of my heart.

Bravo!

 :D

Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

lighter

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #859 on: August 03, 2018, 09:42:06 AM »
Hi Tupp:

I'm facing off with some hairy problems today.  Electrical problems, and nothing done on windows and door yet.  Trying to match problems with resources in the time I have.  Not sure why it's bringing up huge anxiety, but sitting with it, trying to understand. Just ready for old stuff to stop informing present moments.  Ready for today to be about what's real now.

From your posts you seem to be shifting to the present successfully.  Little set backs don't cost you your day.

  I was so happy to read about your perseverance picnic.  Can't wait to see pictures when you get that camera: )

Lighter


Twoapenny

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #860 on: August 03, 2018, 01:11:06 PM »
Hi Tupp:

I'm facing off with some hairy problems today.  Electrical problems, and nothing done on windows and door yet.  Trying to match problems with resources in the time I have.  Not sure why it's bringing up huge anxiety, but sitting with it, trying to understand. Just ready for old stuff to stop informing present moments.  Ready for today to be about what's real now.

From your posts you seem to be shifting to the present successfully.  Little set backs don't cost you your day.

  I was so happy to read about your perseverance picnic.  Can't wait to see pictures when you get that camera: )

Lighter

I'm sorry you're having problems, Lighter.  It's such a huge job to be getting on with.  Are you getting any 'unpleasant situation with that horrible builder' feelings coming up?  I hope you have more helpful people around you at the minute.  I'm aware I've been neglecting other people's threads and will catch up over the weekend!  I think time pressure adds to pressure overall; knowing you've got to get x, y and z done by a certain date is difficult to manage.  I hope things smooth out.

I am starting to feel more like I'm living in the present.  The house is starting to feel like home.  We've got a quiet weekend now so I'm planning to catch up on admin stuff, clean some more walls, get some bits up in the loft (just things like bags and suitcases we used for moving) and rearrange a few things.  A friend visited this morning.  Where we lived before people would turn up unannounced, usually to moan or have some problem they wanted me to fix.  When I started telling people they needed to call beforehand or come round in a good mood instead of a bad one people stopped visiting.  It's been a very long time since someone said "I'm popping in to town, have you got time for a coffee?"  It was really nice just to chat and catch up.  Then we took the bus into town (I've got the hang of the bus routes now - two minute walk to bus stop and there are four buses an hour.  The bus drops us off about sixty seconds away from the cinema).  All very easy, and because it's a good size town we did a couple of other things before the film started - some parcels I needed to post and son wanted a new game for his XBox.  All within a two minute walk of the cinema.  We went for tea when we came out - again, just round the corner - there must be twenty places you can eat within ten minutes of the cinema.  And then caught the bus home.  Where we lived before all of that would have been spread out over two days because everything was so spread around.  Here we left at about 1.45 pm and we were home by 6 o'clock :)  It really is just easier and nicer.  Finances are sorted as well; had the letter through today and a delayed payment is going in on Monday so we're okay for next month now.  All is good but I do hope your restoration problems get sorted fairly quickly for you xx xx xx

Twoapenny

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #861 on: August 03, 2018, 01:14:40 PM »
I love this....I'm going to take inspiration from you, Tupp.

Quote
A bad start turned into a good day

You powered through and found happiness was right there around the corner, ready to reach your spirit again. You just seem on your own side again, but in a calmer way. Not like "I'm on my own side because I can fight like a starved cornered mother tiger" but "I'm on my own side because even though things can and do go astray in this life, I know I can deal with change. And I can cope."

That's what I'm hearing anyway and it warms the cockles of my heart.

Bravo!

 :D

Hops

Thank you, Hops, I'm glad it's warming your cockles because it's warming mine, too!  I do feel like things are shifting a little.  I think not having the day to day stress of living somewhere that was a bit isolated and lacking in facilities has meant other things are easier to manage.  I am starting to feel like I can think about building a life rather than fighting to keep bad people away from us.  That feels really nice, and I was thinking about trauma bonds today and wondering how many times in my life I've gone back to bad people or bad situations just because it felt easier or more normal than forming new bonds and trying new things.  It's funny what we get used to.  But yes, things feel good.  Son said today that he's starting to really enjoy his new life :)  I think he was speaking for both of us there :) xx xx

Twoapenny

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #862 on: August 05, 2018, 05:09:46 AM »
Weirdly, my mum and stepdad are on my mind more now that we've moved than they were when we lived ten minutes from them.  I've had several dreams about my step-dad plus him popping into my head at random times during the day, and last night I dreamt my mum organised my wedding for me.  When I arrived there was no-one there that I knew and I had to sit to one side away from the main wedding party.  When I complained my mum told me I didn't have any friends so that was why she hadn't been able to invite any (and I have no doubt that's exactly what my wedding would have been like if she'd organised it).  It's making me wonder if I feel safer now and so more stuff is starting to rise up, particularly in relation to my step-dad.  I have found a T locally; I haven't spoken to her yet but I think once my son is off to college I will go and see her and have a few sessions trying to exorcise some ghosts.  I am currently swamped by paperwork again, it just doesn't let up and my paperwork room is really cluttered and disorganised so I think I need to try and get on top of that today.  I did do some work in the garden yesterday so it looks a bit better and the weather's nice so all the doors and windows are open - I love the feel of the breeze coming through xx

lighter

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #863 on: August 05, 2018, 04:40:04 PM »
Sorry paperwork, and step dad/ mum issues pressing in, Tupp.  I do think feeling safer has something to do with the dream, and passing thoughts.  I think we process this summer when we can.

You asked if contractor thoughts were popping up.  Yes, esp at first.  Everything made me mad at him....old tape stuck under furniture... instant hatred aimed at him.  Even if it wasn't him, o his fault.... straight to hating him.  I didn't like the pattern so went out of my way to flip it.  Started s eking gratitude, and giving thanks fir sure gat he helped me do.  Trying not to focus on fact he'd have destroyed everything if he had the chance.  Trying to take pleasure in the things he did well.  Emotions flip on a dime, but are less visceral now.

Electricians finally showed up yesterday.  Should be here today.... I owe them money and the power's back on.  It went out on our side while you hey we're working, so they left.  Haven't heard from them, but feel good about the experience.

While they worked, Poppy showed up out of the blue, measured for seawall, everyone talked at once about it, including the electricians, then we agreed they'd show up this morning to close up windows.  They were early, and are working still. 

Donnie was supposed to put in 3 windows and a huge sliding glass door.  He has company, and gave the job to Poppy as well.

Poppy sold me fish from his little boat during my last trip, but I didn't recognize him, bc he cut off his long red dred locks.  Anyway, Donnie sent him, and I like and trust Donnie,so things are moving again.

Didn't mean to blab all iver your thread, my dear.  Will end with happiness over possible nice T for you, and reminder to us both ...... remain curious.  I'm much happier when I manage, and stop judging everything good or bad.

Tackle your paperwork.  Organizing will help you feel better, ime. 

Lighter




Twoapenny

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #864 on: August 06, 2018, 07:58:05 AM »
Sorry paperwork, and step dad/ mum issues pressing in, Tupp.  I do think feeling safer has something to do with the dream, and passing thoughts.  I think we process this summer when we can.

You asked if contractor thoughts were popping up.  Yes, esp at first.  Everything made me mad at him....old tape stuck under furniture... instant hatred aimed at him.  Even if it wasn't him, o his fault.... straight to hating him.  I didn't like the pattern so went out of my way to flip it.  Started s eking gratitude, and giving thanks fir sure gat he helped me do.  Trying not to focus on fact he'd have destroyed everything if he had the chance.  Trying to take pleasure in the things he did well.  Emotions flip on a dime, but are less visceral now.

Electricians finally showed up yesterday.  Should be here today.... I owe them money and the power's back on.  It went out on our side while you hey we're working, so they left.  Haven't heard from them, but feel good about the experience.

While they worked, Poppy showed up out of the blue, measured for seawall, everyone talked at once about it, including the electricians, then we agreed they'd show up this morning to close up windows.  They were early, and are working still. 

Donnie was supposed to put in 3 windows and a huge sliding glass door.  He has company, and gave the job to Poppy as well.

Poppy sold me fish from his little boat during my last trip, but I didn't recognize him, bc he cut off his long red dred locks.  Anyway, Donnie sent him, and I like and trust Donnie,so things are moving again.

Didn't mean to blab all iver your thread, my dear.  Will end with happiness over possible nice T for you, and reminder to us both ...... remain curious.  I'm much happier when I manage, and stop judging everything good or bad.

Tackle your paperwork.  Organizing will help you feel better, ime. 

Lighter

I'm glad you have Donnie, there, Lighter, he sounds like a good person to have around.  Yes, the stuff about the previous contractor is very normal, I think, and it's very hard to try to focus on only the good and look for the positives when someone has done something dreadful and would have done worse, if they could have got away with it.  So kudos to you for flipping that on its head and trying to see things the other way.  I am trying but struggling!  Any kind of contact from any kind of public sector organisation is triggering a big response in me now - instant stress and red mist and I'm finding it hard to stop it in the moment.  This morning I received a call from the education team - didn't pick up as I didn't recognise the number but within minutes chest pain, shooting pain in shoulders, upset tummy.  Very strong reaction.  And then a form from college - it's a standard thing but it was a reminder that there are admin things to do with college that I need to do quite soon and the pressure felt huge.  I got quite a big done in my office yesterday; it's better organised now with just one more stack of bits of paper that either need something doing about them or filing/shredding depending on what they are.  But my to do list is very long again - there is so much that I can only put off for a certain length of time.  The house doesn't have to be immaculate but I do like it clean and well organised and it was such a state when we moved in that I'm still washing walls down and cleaning behind things.  The garden is slowly being tamed but that's taking a while as well, and we've still not got a bin so our rubbish is piling up in bags by the gate which isn't pleasant and I'm getting worried about rats.

I think/know I can only do what I can do.  I've made a list and prioritised things.  We're doing the cinema today and tomorrow, college o Weds, it's my birthday Thursday!  Going to the beach with friends.  And then Friday, Saturday and Sunday free - I think we'll just explore the area by bus and get to know the place better.  Hopefully by this time next week I'll feel more on top of things again.  There are just times when I feel very alone - a second pair of hands would mean son could go out while I get on with boring but necessary stuff, or I could take son out while someone else gets on with boring but necessary stuff.  But we need to deal with what we have, don't we, and I do really like this little house.  It feels comfy and as I get each room done it's becoming home rather than somewhere to stay, which is nice.

Back to the paperwork!  I hope things go smoothly on the island, Lighter, look forward to the next update :) xx

Hopalong

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #865 on: August 06, 2018, 12:19:30 PM »
Hang in there, ((((((((((Tupp)))))))))))))).

It's really good that you're recognizing the out of proportion reactions to bureaucrats again, and let it go through and pass through and please, don't panic.

You can do this. They are not your enemies.

I love hearing the house is cozy. Soon you'll find a rhythm that will allow for To Dos and breaks and friendships and balance.

One hour at a time when a day is too much. Don't beat yourself up, don't buy into the daydream that disaster is coming.

It's NOT coming. Old reflexes because of all the adrenalin surging through you for so very long. Your system just doesn't fully know how to relax yet. You rested some, but that was from exhaustion. You haven't yet had a chance to create balance.

You WILL.

love and peace,
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Twoapenny

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #866 on: August 06, 2018, 03:56:57 PM »
Hang in there, ((((((((((Tupp)))))))))))))).

It's really good that you're recognizing the out of proportion reactions to bureaucrats again, and let it go through and pass through and please, don't panic.

You can do this. They are not your enemies.

I love hearing the house is cozy. Soon you'll find a rhythm that will allow for To Dos and breaks and friendships and balance.

One hour at a time when a day is too much. Don't beat yourself up, don't buy into the daydream that disaster is coming.

It's NOT coming. Old reflexes because of all the adrenalin surging through you for so very long. Your system just doesn't fully know how to relax yet. You rested some, but that was from exhaustion. You haven't yet had a chance to create balance.

You WILL.

love and peace,
Hops

Thanks, Hops :)  It's partly the whole juggling everything situation - one more thing gets added to it and everything feels like it's going to fall down.  It's also old tapes regarding marching to the beat of someone else's drum.  I think with busyness and tiredness it's harder to keep newer boundaries in place.  I've put the things that came through this morning at the bottom of the to do list - they're not urgent and whilst I expect other people are wanting me to start jumping through hoops, I'm not going to.  So it's the old resistance to doing things in a new way and that seems to be more pronounced when tired or trying to juggle too many things at once.  But .......... I powered through, got some essentials out of the way and have a smaller to do list for tomorrow.  The house is tidy, the jobs that need doing are fewer than the jobs that have already been done and that's a nice balance.  I've got my office room feeling relaxed and well organised now, we're up to date on laundry, the food shopping's been ordered.  I do feel and function better when things are organised, it just takes a weight off my mind.  And in keeping with our new area and new lifestyle we caught the bus to town late afternoon and went to see a film.  Bumped into a friend's sons while we were there and sat next to some nice friendly people that we chatted to before the film started.  Everyone seems more relaxed about disability around here, it's a nice change.  We've just walked home from town; it's a nice evening, son was in a good mood, we stopped for food along the way and we've found a few more paths and short cuts - slowly getting to know the area.  It's all heading in the right direction and I feel tired in a nice sleepy way, not an exhausted and stressed out way.  I think tomorrow morning will feel better :)

Phew!  It's all going to be alright :)  Thank you to all of you, you really keep me on the straight and narrow :) xx

Twoapenny

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #867 on: August 06, 2018, 03:59:19 PM »
And just adding while I think of it - when I re-read one of the letters this afternoon the thing that had stressed me out wasn't actually anything to stress about - I'd misread it.  I think what I tend to do now is scan letters for CHILD PROTECTION and as soon as I see something that in some way indicates control or being expected to do something or conform a certain way I panic and then the whole chain reaction sets off.  So I think this week's task needs to be to start reading post properly the first time around, not scanning it, getting the wrong idea and then catastrophising everything in my mind :) xx

Hopalong

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #868 on: August 06, 2018, 09:32:39 PM »
YES, it's going to be all right!

Just to remind you....

Quote
that seems to be more pronounced when tired or trying to juggle too many things at once.

You are so so SO normal. This is such a natural feeling.

I'm so glad you are insightful and conscious and always, always willing to think through your own reactions.

You awe me, Tupp!

Hugs
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

lighter

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #869 on: August 07, 2018, 04:09:55 AM »
Oh, Tupp..... I scan things and have chemical dumps still....just like you explained.  Then go back, and realize the letter says something else.

I still put things off....in guarding mode, then things pile up, and add more stress.  Am working on handling better.  Muddling through change....trying to stay open and curious.  It frustrates me when past and people still control my present.  I want it gone.  Maybe wanting it so badly makes it harder, but I have to be mindful to move through, so striking balance comes and goes.  I see saw back and forth, and know things evening out.  Trusting as do what I can, and remain curious.

Yesterday I found myself laughing in the yard over a question I asked....
"Did Poppy walk, or take Gaga's truck?"
So funny to me.  And Pig lives in my guest house.  Everyone e has nickname here.  Things get confusing, and some of the island ladies don't like any nicknames at all.  Very neat, organized women.  No nonsense.  I think they intimidate everyone.  Certainly do me.

So, we feel better when our brains calm down.  I'm concerned about your adrenal system too.  I hope you manage some sort if self care schedule....meditate daily. 

I go North at 7am so need to get back to sleep for two more hours.

I am so far over my head😎. Reaching for the waves, knowing I'll pop back up to the surface eventually.  Stomach flipping madness, running this job.  Roller coaster ride.

Light