Author Topic: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)  (Read 18850 times)

Twoapenny

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #810 on: July 07, 2018, 02:30:11 PM »
Oh kiddo. I know JUST what you mean about getting yourself so too tightly wrapped over dealing with a situation where you've had horrifying experiences before. Even if you're consciously policing your thoughts to NOT let the negative chatter get out of control... it's just still there and before you know it you're having an anxiety attack over something that should be run of the mill - and is for most people.

Because I deal monthly with large sums of money at my bank - and because banks are basically giving everyone the third degree, when even smaller sums are involved - this is a regular avoidance problem for me... and I go through the same kind of anxiety you do. It's not always extreme, but then I'm worrying about a problem that I've only read others having; it hasn't actually happened to me yet. Doesn't seem to matter to the anxiety - one bit - to remind myself that I can pick up the phone and call someone who KNOWS my situation and relationship to the bank and straighten things out for me. It's not the teller's fault either -- the gov't. is forcing banks into all these compliance regulations, essentially resulting in delays/complications managing YOUR OWN MONEY. I understand the situation and still get anxious anyway.  SMH. In the eyes of the innocent tellers - you COULD BE and ARE suspected of money laundering, or sending money to terrorists if you're managing large sums. It's one reason I always go into the lobby, in person, so they get used to seeing my face... and have me on their cameras, too. Sad that something we all need, has come to this kind of business relationship. We can take our business elsewhere - but the regulations are across the board - and we end up feeling like a criminal, no matter how innocent we are.

But I digress -- you can check the court meeting off the list now. All should be well and smooth (enough) sailing from here on out. Just the usual moving snafus... but this one is a lot easier to shift your worries/anxiety over to more confident expectation of adventure than a dentist appt or court date. Just keep "herding" yourself that direction!  ;)

Thanks, Skep.  It is a very strong, physical reaction now and it doesn't feel linked to my mindset.  In my head I wasn't worrying about it because I know that legally, I am in the right.  I've been reading up on all the legislation and protocal since we started the whole process and I know the local authority aren't following procedure and I know (from other parents) that judges aren't impressed with local authorities not following procedure, plus the majority of tribunal rulings over education are found in the parents' favour (something like 80%, I believe).  So in my mind i had told myself to focus on listening to the judge and learning more about procedure from them and just stating the truth about my son, which I can do in my sleep.  But there's a real, almost PTSD like reaction there now and it just wouldn't let go.  I have got anti-anxiety meds that I could have taken to calm down but because they make me drowsy I was worried I'd fall asleep (as I'm so tired at the moment) and miss the call.  Once the call was over I decided not to take them as they do make me feel hungover afterwards so I decided to just muddle through, but I did really struggle to get through the day and today has been spent mostly sitting on the sofa watching CSI.  And I always find that so interesting because those shows always have unscrupulously ethical people who do everything by the letter and notice tiny details so that they always find the right answer.  I wish life would be like that!  I find them so soothing to watch.

Anyway - thank you for the support.  I think tomorrow will feel better.  Most of the packing is done; all the big jobs and organising stuff is finished so next week should be an easier one and then this time next week we will be staying overnight at a friend's having dropped the cat off at the cattery and spent the day cleaning our new home!  It's happening :) xx

Twoapenny

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #811 on: July 07, 2018, 02:32:47 PM »
((((((((((Tupp)))))))))))

You are NOT doing this perfectly. Thank god.
You cannot, will not, should never expect to be perfect.

You are doing an amazingly competent job at this life transition. You are organized, committed and mature in the face of a task that is very challenging.

You are good and you are competent and despite flares of anxiety, you are strong. NOT strong because hordes of enemies are eager to bring you down. Nope. That is not the present reality. It's just a leak from old things, as you know.

Trust yourself and trust that there is "flow" going on, even though you feel like you're alone on a raft with your son and going through rapids.

You're really NOT alone because both the universe and the life force and your inerrant drive for peace and a hopeful future are in that raft too. Not just scared Tupp or little Tupp or PTSD Tupp. When those three start bouncing around in the raft YOU can bark with confidence at them: Siddown and shaddup while I'm steering, you can talk to me later!

Don't be a perfect performer as a dinner hostess, a moving conductor, or anything else. Just be perfectly Tupp.

You are not only good enough, you're great.

Love, courage, and calm -- you have all of these available. Here's some more.

xxxooo
Hops

Thanks, Hops :) I like the idea of siddown and shaddup :)  Lol.  I'm glad that bit's out of the way and I keep thinking to myself in a couple of weeks' time son and I will be catching the bus to the beach to go and swim in the sea :)  What an amazing way to cool down after a sticky day.  Phew.  We're getting there.  I'm hoping that these anxiety attacks will lessen as time goes on - everything else seems to improve with time so hopefully this will, too.  Thank you :) xx

lighter

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #812 on: July 07, 2018, 08:59:52 PM »
Hi Tupp:


This is your new beginning.  Even though old red flags around social services and court tweek your radar.... I'm hoping everything calms down.   I'm hoping you put on great music, music reminding you of lighter happier days, and dance if at all appropriate.  Maybe even if it's not.... your son will be thrilled to see you do it.  Don't be afraid to grab joy by the t shirt, and have your way with it.   

The new social service agencies in your area may have competent, caring people in place.  Their systems may work, and you might feel supported, rather than attacked.  The universe, IMO, is coming around.... rooting for you.  Ask for what you want, and know it's coming. 

Expect it.

You're worthy, Tupp. 

Life's made you strong.  It's time for some joy.

Let us know how that dinner goes:

Lighter

Twoapenny

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #813 on: July 08, 2018, 01:49:42 PM »
Hi Tupp:


This is your new beginning.  Even though old red flags around social services and court tweek your radar.... I'm hoping everything calms down.   I'm hoping you put on great music, music reminding you of lighter happier days, and dance if at all appropriate.  Maybe even if it's not.... your son will be thrilled to see you do it.  Don't be afraid to grab joy by the t shirt, and have your way with it.   

The new social service agencies in your area may have competent, caring people in place.  Their systems may work, and you might feel supported, rather than attacked.  The universe, IMO, is coming around.... rooting for you.  Ask for what you want, and know it's coming. 

Expect it.

You're worthy, Tupp. 

Life's made you strong.  It's time for some joy.

Let us know how that dinner goes:

Lighter

Thanks, Lighter :)  I feel better today; friends visited and they're so nice to spend time with.  Lunch was nice; simple, easy to prepare, we all enjoyed it and there's loads left over so I won't need to worry about food tomorrow.  I think the anxiety stuff is just something that I need to accept will happen sometimes and it's alright, it will pass again.  It feels like a distant memory now.  I'm concentrating on looking forward.  This time next week I'll have cleaned the new house and hopefully we'll be enjoying a cool drink at our friend's house with the cat safely camped out in the cattery for a few days.  It's getting closer.  It still doesn't feel real; not really sure why but I am looking forward to it :) xx

Hopalong

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #814 on: July 08, 2018, 07:29:55 PM »
I sure am sure why!

WOO HOO.

And still...calm enough for the journey.

Big peace, big confidence, big one-step-at-a-time is how the journey goes.

Love visualizing your sticky selves at the beach, first of so many times...

xo
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

lighter

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #815 on: July 09, 2018, 01:53:07 AM »
Tupp:

Hear! Hear!

To looking ahead.

Yes: )

Lighter

Twoapenny

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #816 on: July 10, 2018, 04:34:11 AM »
Thank you both :)  I'd like to take this opportunity to officially announce - I'm excited :)  Not too much to do, either!  My uber organised head means that we are pretty well there.  There is cleaning and packing to do this week but small amounts - no huge jobs or enormous amounts of lugging anything around.  The admin/paperwork/organising stuff is all done, everything's in a folder so whatever I need I can find easily.  The court hearing/paperwork nightmare is behind us at least for the time being - nothing for me to do on that front for about six weeks now :)  Son is excited about the move.  A friend is popping over tonight and we're visiting a couple of people at the weekend and that's pretty much it on the goodbye front.  I do feel like we're stepping off into a new adventure and I really can't wait :)  And at the moment all loose lipped people seem to be completely unaware :)

A lady from the college rang yesterday, now get this - my huge bugbear with the public sector (or two bugbears, really) is 1 - they put the system before the needs of the individual, drives me nuts, and 2, they are hopelessly inefficient, which leads to me having to do the same things over and over again.  One of the things that I've loved about this college is that they are on top of admin - calls are returned quickly, emails responded to, if you contact about something and aren't speaking to the right person they contact the right person for you, they don't just say "oh you need to try so and so" and hang up.  All of which makes my life much easier, but the lady who rang yesterday has contacted me about meeting with my son in advance of the transition programme (which is designed to prepare him for college) - so that she can prepare him for the transition programme and make sure they've got the right level of support in place for him.  They are going to prepare him for the preparation programme!  How thoughtful is that?  Usually I am expected to dump him somewhere - the attitude is generally that because he can use a toilet on his own, he can cope and I am declared an over-anxious parent.  They just really seem to get him and they seem keen to work with parents and carers instead of treating us like an annoyance.  It's such a refreshing change and it's so lovely.

Hopalong

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #817 on: July 10, 2018, 08:34:52 AM »
This is such wonderful news...
for you and for him!

Just delighted to hear it.
I'm so savoring this journey with you, Tupp.
Hanging in through the lows and surfing the highs.

Big hugs,
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

sKePTiKal

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #818 on: July 10, 2018, 08:55:36 AM »
Oh... I'm so HAPPY for you Tupps! It sounds to me as though this has been well-planned and the execution of the plan MAY run into reality's little "jokes" (they never seem to be very funny)... but all the important stuff is already taken care of. So those will just roll off like water off a duck's back.

ENJOY this! Go at your own comfortable pace and don't let ANYTHING get in the way of you having this be a really good change for your and son.*


*other people's opinions, don't COUNT, because they ain't YOU. And you're a grown woman, a good mom, and deserve to have this chance to fulfill a dream.  and  :P  on anyone who says anything contrary to that.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

Twoapenny

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #819 on: July 10, 2018, 01:37:17 PM »
Aw, thanks both :)  I do just feel good about things.  I feel hopeful for the future but what I realised today was that usually I'm hoping for some sort of huge event to happen to change life for us.  But at the moment I don't even feel too shaky about there being a delay in getting him in to the college (because of paperwork/funding issues) because I've got friends down there who will help take my mind off things a bit and there's plenty to do so we won't be stuck indoors while we wait for people to sort the paperwork out :) xx

lighter

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #820 on: July 10, 2018, 03:15:42 PM »
Yay yay, Tupp.  Competent admin folks, AND sensitive to your son's needs!?!?  That's  incredibly promising, IMO.  I'm so hopeful things will continue going in positive directions.  On top of that, I have the feeling this connection will lead to interesting things for you too. Not just your son. 

Whether it's personal connection, or business.... I just have a wonderful feeling.

You're right about having your support group again.  You'll have them nearby, buoying you up, and cheering you on.  Holding your hand, making you tea.  You don't have to do this alone anymore.

And besides... sometimes thwarted plans lead to unexpected blessings we couldn't see coming.

I'm so excited for you, Tupp: )

Lighter


Twoapenny

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #821 on: July 11, 2018, 04:30:14 PM »
Yay yay, Tupp.  Competent admin folks, AND sensitive to your son's needs!?!?  That's  incredibly promising, IMO.  I'm so hopeful things will continue going in positive directions.  On top of that, I have the feeling this connection will lead to interesting things for you too. Not just your son. 

Whether it's personal connection, or business.... I just have a wonderful feeling.

You're right about having your support group again.  You'll have them nearby, buoying you up, and cheering you on.  Holding your hand, making you tea.  You don't have to do this alone anymore.

And besides... sometimes thwarted plans lead to unexpected blessings we couldn't see coming.

I'm so excited for you, Tupp: )

Lighter

Lighter, competence and sensitivity are things that have been severely lacking!  They're just efficient, you know, they want to get the job done and get things organised.  Usually we encounter people trying to find ways not to get things done.  Maddening.  They're all really laid back and friendly as well; the lady I spoke to earlier in the week asked me where we're moving to and when I gave her the address she said her mum used to live round the corner and told me how to get to the chip shop so we can buy fish and chips on moving in day :)  Local knowledge!  Always so useful :)

Today's been good; more packing done, the cat started her anxiety meds (to help the journey down go more smoothly - 3-4 hours in a car with a cat who hates cars and cat boxes and makes sure everyone knows it is not filling me with delight!) and she seemed fine on them, son is excited and happy and we've mapped out our final days now with who we'll see and what we're doing - he's coping so well.  The weather has cooled down a bit which has made life a bit easier.  I'm feeling calm about the whole thing - what needs to be done feels very manageable in the time we've got left to sort things out so it feels good.  This time next week we should be in our B&B, hopefully showered and fed and ready for sleep before unloading in the morning! xx

lighter

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #822 on: July 11, 2018, 06:20:23 PM »
You forgot to write you'll be eating mommy food, then unloading.  You've done a splendid job with planning.  I'm sure that's why your son is happy and coping so well with all the changes. 

Don't forget self care, my dear.  You're in the zone😄

Lighter


sKePTiKal

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #823 on: July 12, 2018, 07:39:10 AM »
I understand you have things mapped out in detail for son, Tupps. And he needs that map. But don't forget to do a couple little spontaneous things - just for fun and to break up the work. Maybe after everything is unloaded into the space... and before unpacking... just go get an ice cream or something! I think you'll both remember the day pleasantly if you do something like that.

Kitties do express their displeasure travelling in a car, pretty much continuously. I had 3 in the back of the loaded Rubicon driving to the beach during that move. And then, just mio-mio went with me for a week to the little cabin (and she was amazingly calm on that trip)... and in the dark, driving up here as I kept the coffee IV plugged into my arm. LOL. When she talks to me, I use it as an excuse to talk to her. But Freddie - the new in/out cat - is the one who's chirpy and "sings"... almost as if he had some Siamese in him. Too big boned for that breed though. I think someone doted on him, while raising him. They're just upset by the strange sensations of movement and are whining about it. After a little bit, they do stop.

You're doing great! Don't get yourself over-tired or frazzled and all will be well. I know for myself, things look like huge undertakings at the end of the day... and then after a good sleep, I just zip right through it in the morning. You're going to have soooo much fun... and it's going to feel sooooooo goood to have accomplished this much of your move into a whole new life, so easily and with such grace.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

lighter

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #824 on: July 12, 2018, 09:28:43 AM »

.... it's going to feel sooooooo goood to have accomplished this much of your move into a whole new life, so easily and with such grace.  And with some help, and support this time: )