Author Topic: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)  (Read 21805 times)

lighter

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #675 on: May 16, 2018, 06:03:57 PM »
You did escape from a type of prison, Tupp.  This is early release, time off for mindful behavior 😎. I really enjoyed reading about your day.

Lighter

Twoapenny

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #676 on: May 18, 2018, 11:15:19 AM »
Thanks, Lighter :)  We are home again now and I feel rotten.  Within half an hour of getting back all my 'health' problems were back - aching joints, low mood, headache, upset tummy, lack of energy, etc.  Have felt great all week.  I can't see that it's a coincidence.

The college we went to visit was lovely.  Huge range of activities for a huge range of abilities, almost self sufficient in many ways - they grow the veg that they use in their cafe, for example, students renovate donated furniture to be used around the campus, there are work experience projects and mini businesses that they can all get involved in - they make notebooks that they sell to other students, they run a car wash programme that is open to the public, they repair bikes and can learn about electrics and plumbing if they want to.  There's an actual animal rehoming centre for cats and small furry animals that the students run.  The supported learning unit is alongside the mainstream college and the learning disability students can access the mainstream facilities as much or as little as they want.  All very flexible, all tailored to suit the individual student and easily enough there to see son through the next five years, if not longer.  My friends down there are my phamily - I can see that now.  We went to one friend's for tea and her teenage daughter is just the funniest, fiercest young woman, I laughed more than I have in years.  Lovely, confident, affectionate kids who just include my son in what they're doing - there's no sense of him being 'different'.  Beautiful, random views of the coast as you come over hills or turn around corners in the road.  So - to move.  Much to do here.  Need to dig deep and get cracking :) xx

Hopalong

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #677 on: May 18, 2018, 01:05:32 PM »
Well you must be worn out, simply weary, Tupp.
As fantastic as it was a HUGE amount of adrenalin preceded and must've accompanied the trip.

But SO SO SO happy to hear that amazing description.
And SO SO SO glad you're going.

Tell me again, because I'm dense...your son HAS been accepted, right?
And there is public funding for him to go/live there?

He will spend nights at home but days at school? Is that right?

So so so so happy about all of this,
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Twoapenny

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #678 on: May 18, 2018, 01:09:13 PM »
Well you must be worn out, simply weary, Tupp.
As fantastic as it was a HUGE amount of adrenalin preceded and must've accompanied the trip.

But SO SO SO happy to hear that amazing description.
And SO SO SO glad you're going.

Tell me again, because I'm dense...your son HAS been accepted, right?
And there is public funding for him to go/live there?

He will spend nights at home but days at school? Is that right?

So so so so happy about all of this,
Hops

Thanks, Hops :)  No, not accepted and no certainty of funding, nothing can be done until we move there.  Funding is allocated to counties, not people, so you can only apply for funding when you live in the area.  I am expecting another battle and most likely court again.  No way around it, unfortunately.  But yes, to start, days at college, nights at home and transitioning to full time residential care over time xx

Hopalong

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #679 on: May 18, 2018, 05:06:03 PM »
Got it, Tupp.
Is there a length of residency requirement before he can be accepted?

I KNOW you're going to succeed.

love
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Twoapenny

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #680 on: May 18, 2018, 05:50:12 PM »
Got it, Tupp.
Is there a length of residency requirement before he can be accepted?

I KNOW you're going to succeed.

love
Hops

Thanks, Hops :)  No, I can send the paperwork off as soon as I have a moving date and then they can start processing the application as soon as they get a copy of our tenancy agreement.  It's one of those odd situations where I'll get to a point where I can't do anything until we have a moving date and then it will be a mad rush to get everything done :)  All will be well, I'd just love it all to happen by magic without me needing to do anything lol :) xx

Hopalong

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #681 on: May 18, 2018, 07:54:36 PM »
OH that's good news!
(Not the exhausting adrenalin rush part, but the no residency period part...)

So, what's next?
If I followed right...you have to first find someone who wants your house (or the system has to produce that person among...a list? Several? Don't quite understand that piece). And then...you have to find an available house (within the same general system?) in the new city. And pick a date.

And then you move, and submit the paperwork for son's college, sit back and wait?

What's a court step or why do you expect a new battle for his situation when you get there?

Only if you feel like BRIEFLY explaining, I don't want to cause you more tedious paperwork!

xxoo
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Twoapenny

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #682 on: May 19, 2018, 01:59:43 AM »
OH that's good news!
(Not the exhausting adrenalin rush part, but the no residency period part...)

So, what's next?
If I followed right...you have to first find someone who wants your house (or the system has to produce that person among...a list? Several? Don't quite understand that piece). And then...you have to find an available house (within the same general system?) in the new city. And pick a date.

And then you move, and submit the paperwork for son's college, sit back and wait?

What's a court step or why do you expect a new battle for his situation when you get there?

Only if you feel like BRIEFLY explaining, I don't want to cause you more tedious paperwork!

xxoo
Hops

Oh Hops, bless you, it's nice that you're interested (as it isn't a very interesting process!).  Lol.  At the moment, my property is advertised on a swap website.  I can either do a straight swap with someone down there who wants to come here, or we build a chain (more likely), so if whoever lives in the house I want to move into wants to move to area a, and then that person wants to move to area b, and they want my place so I end up where I want to be and everyone else is where they want to be as well :)  I could give up my tenancy and go back to private renting - quicker option, we could be gone within the month if I do that - but private renting is a lot more expensive and it's very insecure - the owner of the property can ask for it back anytime, so it never really feels like home.  So staying with local authority is better (unless I win the lottery, in which case I buy all of us nice places wherever we fancy :) ).

So yes, we all agree on a mutual date, the local authorities inspect each property and check all of us out and there is a bit of paperwork (of course!) and then we move.  I sent off son's application papers for college quite a while ago; they're happy to accept him but it's the funding bit we have to apply for separately and we can't do that until we actually have a tenancy agreement to prove we live there.

It will probably end up in court because it does in most cases; Local authorities are horribly unscrupulous and don't follow the law so most families end up going to court so that a judge will force them to.  It's the most ridiculous situation and one I rant about constantly; they are funded by taxes to provide services, there's a mountain of legislation to ensure everyone is treated fairly that they all ignore and the only way to enforce it is to get a judge to order them to do the job they've already been paid to do.  It's a common tactic with them; they cause so much stress and worry a lot of parents give up and some just don't know their rights or have the confidence to fight.  With my son we run in to all sorts of problems because he's considered a complex case and I don't agree with a 'that will do" approach when it comes to people with disabilities; I feel their needs should be met without question and they should have access to a wide range of lovely opportunities in all areas of life -  which of course is expensive.  I read up on the law before each interaction so I know what he's entitled to legally, which is all I ask for - but it usually isn't what he's given so then we end up going to court so a judge can make everyone do what they're supposed to.  So a lot of paperwork and stress but at least if you're prepared for it you can hit the ground running.

Anyway, that concludes today's lesson in paperwork practices lol :)  Hope you have a lovely day, Hopsie :) xx

lighter

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #683 on: May 19, 2018, 07:51:00 AM »
Tupp....last night I posted a

Mount you horse and ride!  We'll ride with you!
post.

It disappeared, and then I ate curry chicken with rice.....lots of rice, and broccoli with carrots.  So sleepy, didn't notice post went away, but..... let's ride, Tupp.  You know the path.  You've been down it many times.  One more maddeninglt familiar time, and get where you need to be.  Attain what son needs.  Re village yourself.

Your body is weary in proximity to old neighborhood.  Your mind and spirit deserve support, and care......fierce young energy in your orbit, riding alongside.

We're here for you, but you shall have phamilie in real life, Tupp.  It's coming, and it's long overdue.

:: nodding::.

Twoapenny

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #684 on: May 19, 2018, 11:26:05 AM »
Tupp....last night I posted a

Mount you horse and ride!  We'll ride with you!
post.

It disappeared, and then I ate curry chicken with rice.....lots of rice, and broccoli with carrots.  So sleepy, didn't notice post went away, but..... let's ride, Tupp.  You know the path.  You've been down it many times.  One more maddeninglt familiar time, and get where you need to be.  Attain what son needs.  Re village yourself.

Your body is weary in proximity to old neighborhood.  Your mind and spirit deserve support, and care......fierce young energy in your orbit, riding alongside.

We're here for you, but you shall have phamilie in real life, Tupp.  It's coming, and it's long overdue.

:: nodding::.

Lol, the horse took off on his own, Lighter, he was excited to get going!  Thank you.  Yes, phamily here and phamily in the real world as well.  How lovely.

I have been observing myself.  I have zero energy, absolutely nothing.  I'm having to force myself off the sofa to get anything done and within a few minutes I feel dizzy and unwell.  We went out for a walk around the village and I had chest pains and found it hard to breathe.  It felt like really hard work and it's been like that for a long time and I've assumed it's because I've put on weight.  But we walked loads when we were away, on top of all the driving and college seeking and it didn't just feel okay, it felt good.  I think it is anxiety.  My mind keeps running over 'what if' scenarios and I really don't want it to, but there it is.  I think living here is making me unwell.  With that in mind, if we haven't managed to sort out a swap within the next few weeks I'm going to look for a private rental.  I'd prefer to swap but, most importantly, I'd like to be down there six weeks before term starts so we have enough time to file paperwork and to have a great break before he goes to college and I start looking for ways to keep myself amused!  So Plan B is in place in case Plan A doesn't work out.  Your dinner sounded delicious :) xx

Hopalong

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #685 on: May 19, 2018, 05:03:44 PM »
Thanks for the paperwork/court/system explanation Tupp.
I really do understand it now.

And I'm sorry my questions triggered such painful frustration.

Chest pain spooks me and I've had it from anxiety attacks myself.

VERRRY strong signal to take kind, gentle, nurturing care of yourself now.
And with help if you need it. (I know, hermit feelings...but sometimes, a group sing or chant can get you through -- no "relationship" required.)

Seriously. Breaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaathe.

You're doing this imperfectly, and humanly, and very very well.

Your competence is massive and it's going to carry you through.
Just don't ask your endurance to be massive too.

Respect your humanness, your body's limits, your mind's need for breaks.

Please...be good to our ((((((Tupp)))))).

We'll see you through.

love,
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

lighter

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #686 on: May 19, 2018, 06:23:15 PM »
Hops, I live the word massively.  A lot.

Tupp:

I'm thinking you lived with huge anxiety so long, you maybe never knew what it felt like to live without.

Going away, to friends, to phamily...it shows what kind of stress you've been under.  Stress no one should have to endure....esp our lovely Tupp raising her son.  The nerve!  How dare you be tormented.  How dare they use your so....harm him, to get to you.  It's a special kind of.....
::Sigh::.
It's the kind of thing people, who truly can't do better, do.

And so I've been shell seeking, which means I've been thinking hard.

I realize....we CAN do better.  We do better with every breath we take....even when struggling, worried we're having a heart attack, living under siege.  We do better, bc we're able to.

This brings me to how we truly leave the disordered behind us.  How we speak about our experience so we're HEARD, not dismissed, judged or PUNISHED.

Wefind some compassion for these terrifyingly broken people, and we find some way to distance ourselves emotionally, until we can distance ourselves physically.

I was worried about facing contractor in court....no matter what he does...
Speaks calmly while accusing me of all he's done TO me...
Shows up with devil horns, shouting threats....both scenarios frighten me, and in either case I must resist knee jerk responses.  That's what they hope for...that we'll react TO them without reasoning our way through.

Ok....about your renting a private flat.   Does anyone you know have a garage or basement apartment....a guest cottage available?  How about people they know?  Time to network, and rally the troops, imo.

Get yourself to this safe place.  Remember to speak about the disordered with compassion....short and sweet, should it be necessary at all.  Hopefully it won't.

I'm praying you get moved, and son gets processed into college without anything from the past coming up.  Certainly nothing new from your mum..... I'm praying.

We don't have to convince anyone of our experience.  We just need to present facts, sans emotion or judgement, and that will be enough

Lighter


Twoapenny

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #687 on: May 20, 2018, 02:50:41 AM »
Thanks for the paperwork/court/system explanation Tupp.
I really do understand it now.

And I'm sorry my questions triggered such painful frustration.

Chest pain spooks me and I've had it from anxiety attacks myself.

VERRRY strong signal to take kind, gentle, nurturing care of yourself now.
And with help if you need it. (I know, hermit feelings...but sometimes, a group sing or chant can get you through -- no "relationship" required.)

Seriously. Breaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaathe.

You're doing this imperfectly, and humanly, and very very well.

Your competence is massive and it's going to carry you through.
Just don't ask your endurance to be massive too.

Respect your humanness, your body's limits, your mind's need for breaks.

Please...be good to our ((((((Tupp)))))).

We'll see you through.

love,
Hops

Hopsie, your question didn't trigger anything so nothing for you to apologise for, my lovely friend, it helps me clear my mind to write stuff down and sometimes I find that when someone asks me about 'the system' and I explain it it validates my stress and frustration with it all because it's so blooming infuriating!  So nothing for you to be apologising for, lovely Hops :)

I am resting, taking breaks, trying to avoid the caffeine and biscuit crutches.  I have got anxiety medication and I did take it yesterday - if leaves me feeling like I have a hangover the next day so I don't take it too often but yesterday it felt necessary so it's there as a back up if I need it.  Chest pain is scary but Ive been getting it for years now and everything's been checked; physically I'm as strong as an ox and in good shape for my age so it's unpleasant and annoying rather than anything else.  All good.  And having calmed down I realised we actually are pretty close to being able to just pack and move.  I've got a lot done already and I am capable, I think I just get like a rabbit in headlights when I think about what comes next.  You will all see me through and I can't tell you how grateful I am for that.

Love Tup xx

Twoapenny

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #688 on: May 20, 2018, 03:09:14 AM »
Hops, I live the word massively.  A lot.

Tupp:

I'm thinking you lived with huge anxiety so long, you maybe never knew what it felt like to live without.

Going away, to friends, to phamily...it shows what kind of stress you've been under.  Stress no one should have to endure....esp our lovely Tupp raising her son.  The nerve!  How dare you be tormented.  How dare they use your so....harm him, to get to you.  It's a special kind of.....
::Sigh::.
It's the kind of thing people, who truly can't do better, do.

And so I've been shell seeking, which means I've been thinking hard.

I realize....we CAN do better.  We do better with every breath we take....even when struggling, worried we're having a heart attack, living under siege.  We do better, bc we're able to.

This brings me to how we truly leave the disordered behind us.  How we speak about our experience so we're HEARD, not dismissed, judged or PUNISHED.

Wefind some compassion for these terrifyingly broken people, and we find some way to distance ourselves emotionally, until we can distance ourselves physically.

I was worried about facing contractor in court....no matter what he does...
Speaks calmly while accusing me of all he's done TO me...
Shows up with devil horns, shouting threats....both scenarios frighten me, and in either case I must resist knee jerk responses.  That's what they hope for...that we'll react TO them without reasoning our way through.

Ok....about your renting a private flat.   Does anyone you know have a garage or basement apartment....a guest cottage available?  How about people they know?  Time to network, and rally the troops, imo.

Get yourself to this safe place.  Remember to speak about the disordered with compassion....short and sweet, should it be necessary at all.  Hopefully it won't.

I'm praying you get moved, and son gets processed into college without anything from the past coming up.  Certainly nothing new from your mum..... I'm praying.

We don't have to convince anyone of our experience.  We just need to present facts, sans emotion or judgement, and that will be enough

Lighter

Lighter, when you have a sane person adjudicating - and the judge that agreed to the order sounds like a good egg - I think they can see the crazy easily.  The scary parts come when the people in charge are on that scale of crazy themselves and so don't see it, or have their own issues/need to punish and so go down that road, or just want to win and don't care who or what they damage in the process.  And yes, that little break away has really brought home to me the difference between under seige Tup and by the sea Tup.  I know which one I want around.

I will put the call out for a private flat over the weekend.  I'm already thinking this could be the better option.  Local authority is cheaper and more secure - but if it means we can't be where we want to be it's restrictive so not helpful.  I have seen one place online; it's a bit further out than I'd have liked but it's only a six month tenancy.  We could get down there, have lovely summer, get son in to college and then move again after Christmas - easier to sort things out when you already live in the area and college for son is my main priority for now, everything else I can work on after that is sorted.  So that might be the way to go.  I have got various back ups I can go to if need be - I forget about this.  But because we were homeless twice I've got credit cards with large limits on them, just for emergencies, so I can borrow money if i need to (I prefer not to, but it's there if we need it).  I've got savings, I can pay for the move and buy a car, if necessary.  I've decluttered so the actual move itself wouldn't be a huge job, there's really not too much to shift.  When I focus on what I can do it all gets much easier to see a way forward.  So there are options and I'm going to make the most of them.

As for my mum - before we move I will type up bulletpoints of the main things and signpost to the evidence that proves the opposite, just so it's there to hand out if needed.  Like you, I will stick to the clear, evidence based stuff, not the wishy washy every day crazy that could be argued either way.  Phew.  It's going to be okay.  Thank you all for being there xx

sKePTiKal

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #689 on: May 20, 2018, 09:36:00 AM »
The process you described sounds positively MIDIEVAL Tupp. But your description is proof, that you know how it works, versus how it's supposed to work, and you've over-compensated for the lack of personal accountability within the way it DOES work. Go into the process with calm confidence - knowing that if something unexpected does pop up -- you can handle it, without frustration or exasperation or anxiety.

As for certain places being "bad" for a person - or "good" - I certainly believe that's true. It's not just the human environment either. I think we're all meant to be certain places... to become what our potential truly is. I knew the beach had certain qualities that I needed, but only temporarily. I knew that before we decided to move there. We'd decided ahead of time, that 10 years would probably suffice. Turns out, Mike & I were over-achievers... and we didn't need that much time. LOL.

A year or so before he passed, we were already planning ways to come back "home". And things just fell together perfectly for me. Yeah, my move was a nightmare - and I'm still unpacking and sorting. But I was being pushed - pulled along by some energy outside of me that insisted it was the ONLY thing that mattered and to be done until it really WAS done. I trusted that energy. And it's been slowly settling down... and into... the farm.

So many things to be done here - to make it what I imagine it can be - but the "hurry up" energy is gone. I can simply sit here, look, and be... and as I "prettify" things around here and "make it so"... it feeds my sense of "peace" and "home" and there's no need to jump up and "do" as if the world will fall apart if I don't. I feed the cats... do the dishes... take out the trash... cut the grass... and eat & sleep in my own little country... when I want to, as long as I need to. And I sleep like a baby. LOL.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.