Author Topic: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)  (Read 7914 times)

Hopalong

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 10706
Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #390 on: January 10, 2018, 11:10:36 AM »
Well that sounds really hopeful and positive!

Good for you for coming up with yet another effort to connect with what you need, despite the previous meltdown. Seriously, GOOD for you, Tupp.

One little...but. But...will you keep the T appointment regardless, and look into some form of group gatherings (therapy, support, whatever you find) that can weave some destressing 3-D support into your life?

The reason I say that is that there will ALWAYS be another trigger or crisis, and I believe you are emotionally exhausted from being so on your own with it all so much of the time. Building community (even with strangers-at-first in some kind of support group) means the next time there's a crisis, you don't need to collapse in fear and despair alone.

You'll have 3-D people to pour it out to, too. And you so deserve this. Honestly, I don't know how you've managed without it so far.

love
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Twoapenny

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2256
Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #391 on: January 10, 2018, 02:44:11 PM »
Well that sounds really hopeful and positive!

Good for you for coming up with yet another effort to connect with what you need, despite the previous meltdown. Seriously, GOOD for you, Tupp.

One little...but. But...will you keep the T appointment regardless, and look into some form of group gatherings (therapy, support, whatever you find) that can weave some destressing 3-D support into your life?

The reason I say that is that there will ALWAYS be another trigger or crisis, and I believe you are emotionally exhausted from being so on your own with it all so much of the time. Building community (even with strangers-at-first in some kind of support group) means the next time there's a crisis, you don't need to collapse in fear and despair alone.

You'll have 3-D people to pour it out to, too. And you so deserve this. Honestly, I don't know how you've managed without it so far.

love
Hops

T appointment definitely being kept, group situations definitely avoided, have done so many over the years and for me they're draining and tiring - the opposite of what I need!  I am much better with one or two good friends rather than groups of people.  I find support groups are full of people who want to be the focus of the attention and just talk about themselves constantly and it wears me out.

Got lots more paperwork done and have a big pile to go through the shredder.  Bathroom is cleared ready to start scrubbing down and painting tomorrow (it's a very small bathroom so it shouldn't take long and I think it will look lovely when it's finished!).  I feel like what I need to do is suddenly much more manageable - I do think clearing out a lot of this clutter has made a big difference, isn't it funny?  But it just doesn't feel so overwhelming now, I feel like I can see a time when it will be done whereas before it felt more like I would never get to the end of it all.  Feeling happy, overall, which is a big change from yesterday :) Lol xx

lighter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 5669
Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #392 on: January 10, 2018, 06:47:51 PM »
So many ups and downs, Tupp, but perseveance pays off.  At least you have another advocate for your son's education options.  Whew.....so glad for you both.

Lighter

Twoapenny

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2256
Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #393 on: January 11, 2018, 03:10:01 PM »
So many ups and downs, Tupp, but perseveance pays off.  At least you have another advocate for your son's education options.  Whew.....so glad for you both.

Lighter

It was nice to get a positive response from someone, Lighter, and they seem very efficient.  The application process is all online, they've emailed back with some login information and will be getting in touch for more details about his health problems (this is all since yesterday) so just the fact that someone has done 'something' has helped :)

Today was good, lots done again, feel very organised and heading in the right direction with things.  The paperwork mountain is under control at the minute, I got some more painting done, I've organised a couple of nice things for us to go and do and generally things seem good.

I went to see the T; I had said in my email to her that I was hoping to learn some stress management techniques to help me not to blow my stack at people but she said this evening that's not really what she does, it's more long term psycho therapy.  I feel very 'done' with talking about my feelings; I know I put a lot on here and I do feel better for having to spoken to someone but, as always, the money and the time and the finding someone to look after my son efforts are stressful (ironically) so I had in my head just to do a few sessions to learn some new techniques rather than getting into another endless quest to figure out what's at the heart of my problems (because to be honest these aren't my problems, it's the lack of help for my son's problems that's the issue and that's not related to what happened to me as a kid.  I don't know anyone with a disabled child who doesn't experience a lot of stress when dealing with the system).  So I think instead I would be better off earmarking that money for going out and doing fun stuff with other people.  I think that would help more than talking about past events again.  So a bit disappointing; she seemed a very good therapist but not what I'm looking for and when I came out I looked at the bar across the road and thought "I could have spent that money on a sitter, a sparkly top and a couple of drinks in there".

Anyway, onwards and upwards.  I think losing the plot has helped anyway, it got things off my chest and focused my mind on getting somewhere where we 'might' get some help (and at the very least won't have my mother mooning around the corner) so we'll see how things go from here xx

lighter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 5669
Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #394 on: January 12, 2018, 10:12:02 AM »
Tupp, I yearn to read posts featuring seaside living for you.

Distance from those would harm you, startle and stress you.

Fellowship alive and well in your daily life.  Building on relationships already established.....trusted friends who care and understand.  There is no balm like speaking to those who "get it.". There is no poison like stupid questions asked by people who're lucky enough to walk in ignorance of PD harm and chaos manufacture that will never make sense.  Ever.

Just not having to tell your story again..... imagine. 

::sigh::

I'm no expert, but my buddy is attending a school for meditation......it seems to be doing him a world of good.  Lord knows there's information on the website, for particular kinds of meditation, to address different goals. 

And tapping.... it's still a very good option with consistent results for PTSD, and more. 

You're amazing.  Truly.

Lighter

Twoapenny

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2256
Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #395 on: January 12, 2018, 11:15:01 AM »
Tupp, I yearn to read posts featuring seaside living for you.

Distance from those would harm you, startle and stress you.

Fellowship alive and well in your daily life.  Building on relationships already established.....trusted friends who care and understand.  There is no balm like speaking to those who "get it.". There is no poison like stupid questions asked by people who're lucky enough to walk in ignorance of PD harm and chaos manufacture that will never make sense.  Ever.

Just not having to tell your story again..... imagine. 

::sigh::

I'm no expert, but my buddy is attending a school for meditation......it seems to be doing him a world of good.  Lord knows there's information on the website, for particular kinds of meditation, to address different goals. 

And tapping.... it's still a very good option with consistent results for PTSD, and more. 

You're amazing.  Truly.

Lighter

Lighter, thank you, you are too kind :)  And also amazing :)  As is everyone on here!  Lol :)

Yes, I'd love to be posting more "we did this, we went there, we saw so and so" type posts on here.  I have got myself into head down and get on with it mode.  I'm focusing on cleaning, clearing and getting the flat into a good state so that someone else will love to live in it.  I do need to carry on with other son related things in the meantime - sorting out benefit changes from child to adult things, possibly getting a court order to that I can manage all financial affairs on his behalf, and so on - and I will have to battle on to get the current authority to put education in place at home because we could still be here for a long time.  But yes, if I can move and get him into that other college I will be breathing a big sigh of relief and meeting friends for coffee regularly :)  I would really like to just leave all my old life behind and move into a new one.

I have been feeling sad about my mum today.  A friend texted, her mother in law passed away yesterday.  She has never been a very nice mum to her son, so the contact he's had with her has always been more duty bound than anything else.  He was with her when she died and apparently it wasn't a peaceful passing so was all very unpleasant.  He's feeling very conflicted about the whole situation.  It made me think about my mum.  Despite everything that's happened, I don't want her to die alone or in pain.  Then I thought would I go if she was going to be alone and I don't know if I could stomach sitting next to her or holding her hand.  It just made me feel sad that it's even an issue in my mind.  But it is what it is.  There is little we can do about that.

I do meditate at bedtime and do find it relaxing, so much so that I usually fall asleep.  I am hoping that it works even when you're dozing lol xx

Hopalong

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 10706
Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #396 on: January 12, 2018, 03:48:04 PM »
I'm glad you're back into life-planning, Tupp.
It's frustrating to have to wait but you're very good at renewing your own dreams.
I admire this a lot.

I'd love to hear more about the seaside city you dream of.
No need to identify it but I love visualizing something about where friends are...or dream of going.

Do you already know people there?

And the college--love to hear more about what that is too, for your son.

All my fingers and toes remain crossed that this dream WILL become true for you. You're taking all the right steps to make it possible. So I think it will.

love,
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Twoapenny

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2256
Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #397 on: January 12, 2018, 05:11:17 PM »
I'm glad you're back into life-planning, Tupp.
It's frustrating to have to wait but you're very good at renewing your own dreams.
I admire this a lot.

I'd love to hear more about the seaside city you dream of.
No need to identify it but I love visualizing something about where friends are...or dream of going.

Do you already know people there?

And the college--love to hear more about what that is too, for your son.

All my fingers and toes remain crossed that this dream WILL become true for you. You're taking all the right steps to make it possible. So I think it will.

love,
Hops

Ah, Hopsie, I don't cope well without a plan to work towards, I had a period of feeling very hopeless towards the end of last year and it really isn't good for me so I like having another option to think about :)

It's an area we lived in when my son was small so I have four friends there that I've kept in touch with all these years - two best friends and two good friends.  Then there are others who I wouldn't describe a close friends but are people that I liked spending time with and would enjoy meeting for a coffee every now and again.

The college itself is a large mainstream college with a supported learning unit.  It has a good reputation and they run courses for people with learning difficulties ranging from basic Maths and English, life skills, through to offering any course up to University Level with support if it's needed.  My son's needs are fairly basic but everything's modular so you can pick out what suits you best and modify things as you go along, rather than him having to commit to one course for the year.  They do a six week assessment period initially which I think would be good for him as it will be different for him to learn in a group rather than one to one with me.  They have options for sport, art, drama and so on as well so it's a good mix of necessary skills and fun stuff.  Potentially he could stay there for four years as well so it would mean not having to change about and go through all this again in a year's time!

The area itself is a fairly large seaside town about half an hour away from the beach.  You can get there on the bus and in the summer it's lovely, the bus is full of people in swimmers and flip flops and all the buckets and spades are piled up in the luggage racks :)  There's a lot of outdoor sports and activities and because it's a tourist area people are in a good mood because they're on their holidays.  Where we live now is more like a commuter area so people are busy and always on their way somewhere.  It's just more laid back and easy going.  The town's quite a good size; I'm enjoying not driving so ideally I'd like to be fairly central so we can get around easily.  There's a cinema, leisure centre (swimming, bowling, that sort of thing), lots of places to shop (I'm not keen on shopping but my son loves it), some good live music venues (we both love that) an art gallery, small theatre, that sort of thing.  It's on a main train line so reasonably easy to get around to other places as well.  It's reasonably safe - obviously there's some crime as it's a town - but it's not the sort of place where people get stabbed at the weekends and you're scared to go out after dark.  It's also two hundred miles away from my mum and if I plan things right there's a very good chance she won't know that's where we've gone :)

I'm sounding like an estate agent :)  Lol :)  It won't be perfect, I know, and college might turn out not to be so great, we might end up living next door to horrible people, my mum might find out where we are and get social services all riled up again - all sorts of negative possibilities - but equally where we are at the moment we have no college option that would meet my son's needs, my mum is to close for comfort and I don't have many friends I can see very often.  So I think it's worth giving it a shot :) xx

Twoapenny

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2256
Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #398 on: January 15, 2018, 02:31:16 AM »
I think I moved back here to prove to my mum that I'm not a bad mum.

I'm not sleeping well again and have been waking up through the night with all sorts going through my mind.  And I had one of those odd lightbulb moments shortly after waking, when I was thinking about how hard things have been for the last ten years and how much I've sacrificed in order to be a good mum.  And I do wonder now why I ever thought living under my mum's nose - or across the road from that piece of shit she's married to - would be a good idea.  After all the child protection stuff I was too scared to do anything with my son or leave him with anyone I didn't know.  Moving back 'home' seemed the only sensible option.  If I'd moved anywhere else I'd have more or less been going into hiding and I didn't think that was a good idea.  So hiding in plain sight, right under her nose, surrounded people I'd known from years ago, seemed sensible - better the devil you know and all that.

And on a practical level it was sensible.  We rented from someone we knew and got a good price on the house.  We did know lots of people so I didn't have to risk trusting people I didn't know (although it turned out there were people I couldn't trust even though I knew them).  I knew the area so didn't need to worry about working out where things were or bus routes or anything like that.  But this morning I suddenly felt that, underneath all that, I wanted to prove to my mum (and everyone else she slagged me off to) that I'm a good mum.  I have put myself through ten years of trouble and loneliness and living in a backwater I outgrew nearly thirty years ago to prove myself to someone whose opinion would be, to any sensible mind, irrelevant.  Not only irrelevant, but who will always typecast me and label me, whatever I do, because she can't function any other way.

I feel sad and empty.  I'm probably half way through my life now and I've spent all of it trying to prove myself to someone who doesn't care.  Why do we do this to ourselves?  And why does it take so long to see it?  And not do it anymore??! xx

Twoapenny

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2256
Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #399 on: January 15, 2018, 04:17:04 AM »
The new possible college have emailed me to let me know they've set up an online account for me so that I can log in and check on progress and communicate directly with the team, as well as receiving emails securely.  Only a small thing and still doesn't mean he's got a place or that we can move but it is better than the laisez faire attitude we've been having to put up with in our current location.

Hopalong

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 10706
Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #400 on: January 15, 2018, 07:43:42 PM »
Hey Tupp,
To realize it after a couple-three decades is better than after five or six!

It's painful to regret, to mourn the road not taken.
It'd be a rare human being who doesn't have hard grief about something.
And yours was huge, since the loss or absence of mother love....hurts extra.

That said it was an intelligent coping choice you made to live where you did
while you did. And you did protect yourself and your son in so many ways -- it was canny.

I hope you won't let sorrow over an unfulfilling past infect the chance for
enjoying an imperfect but more fulfilling future. The town, the ocean, a
network of friends there, new experiences in a new context...sound great.

College communications sound promising, too! More efficient and more
supportive of a parent. Love that.

Hugs
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Twoapenny

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2256
Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #401 on: January 17, 2018, 12:10:31 PM »
Hey Tupp,
To realize it after a couple-three decades is better than after five or six!

It's painful to regret, to mourn the road not taken.
It'd be a rare human being who doesn't have hard grief about something.
And yours was huge, since the loss or absence of mother love....hurts extra.

That said it was an intelligent coping choice you made to live where you did
while you did. And you did protect yourself and your son in so many ways -- it was canny.

I hope you won't let sorrow over an unfulfilling past infect the chance for
enjoying an imperfect but more fulfilling future. The town, the ocean, a
network of friends there, new experiences in a new context...sound great.

College communications sound promising, too! More efficient and more
supportive of a parent. Love that.

Hugs
Hops

Hops, thank you and yes, you are right, better to realise at some point rather than not at all, I think I just felt a bit deflated for a while.  Getting back on an even keel now though :)

We've seen the genetic specialist today.  Two doctors, both very nice, professional, understanding, explained everything very well.  Basically my son might have a genetic disorder but if he does there isn't really anything they can do about it anyway, so there's not really much point finding out.  The test to confirm it is an unpleasant one and would require a general anaesthetic to carry it out.  If it would make a difference to his quality of life then I would do it but as they've said they wouldn't do anything for him with a diagnosis anyway then I don't think there's any point.  It isn't progressive, which was my main concern as his health dipped so severely over the last few years (I was worried that would keep happening) but that isn't the way the condition works.  It still means no-one has any idea why his health dipped as badly as it did but it looks like we will just never know now.  I had also hoped that a more concrete diagnosis would mean we could get some help but they have said no, we'd still be left to get on with it anyway so again, another reason not to put him (or me) through any more hospital appointments or endless discussions with doctors that get us nowhere.

I have to say the thought of not having to go near a doctor again is a very positive one for me.  The other positive is that there is literally no reason for us to stay here now.  If he'd needed more tests and assessments then we'd have had to stay in the area but as it stands we don't need to see anyone else now so we can crack on with moving.  I might need to sort out some private assessments in regard to his educational stuff but I can sort that out myself so it feels like a good step in the right direction even though we didn't really get an answer, if that makes any sense?  Lol xx

Hopalong

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 10706
Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #402 on: January 17, 2018, 04:49:16 PM »
That makes total sense to me, Tupp.

It's wonderful as an example of how easing up on All Wrong vs All Right, All True vs Real Paradox, all that kind of thing.... helps us heal and find peace.

It made perfect sense to want to insist on a precise diagnosis for your son. And now, it makes sense to grasp that try as they might, scientists and doctors do not have complete explanations and precise diagnoses for everything that can befall a human. Sometimes, it really is a mystery.

I'm relieved for you, that you are finding peace amid that ambiguity. And, life beckons louder!

(I think when for survival we have to fight and fight and fight, one of the biggest challenges is to hear the call of armistice. Peace-time.)

You've earned it and I'm believing that you will be able to enjoy it! I couldn't possibly understate my respect for what a huge achievement that is.

hugs
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

lighter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 5669
Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #403 on: January 17, 2018, 08:02:57 PM »
Tupp, it feels like shedding doubts and medical appointments that contribute nothing but stress to me.

I'm so glad you're turning to the move.  Closer to supporters, distance between you and the chaos manufacturer.

Yes.

:: Nodding::.

Lighter

Twoapenny

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2256
Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #404 on: January 18, 2018, 03:11:06 AM »
That makes total sense to me, Tupp.

It's wonderful as an example of how easing up on All Wrong vs All Right, All True vs Real Paradox, all that kind of thing.... helps us heal and find peace.

It made perfect sense to want to insist on a precise diagnosis for your son. And now, it makes sense to grasp that try as they might, scientists and doctors do not have complete explanations and precise diagnoses for everything that can befall a human. Sometimes, it really is a mystery.

I'm relieved for you, that you are finding peace amid that ambiguity. And, life beckons louder!

(I think when for survival we have to fight and fight and fight, one of the biggest challenges is to hear the call of armistice. Peace-time.)

You've earned it and I'm believing that you will be able to enjoy it! I couldn't possibly understate my respect for what a huge achievement that is.

hugs
Hops

Thank you, Hops, that means a lot :)

I think my main issue was that his health vanished so completely and for so many years that the notion that no-one has a clue why kind of baffles me.  It's also really taken a toll on me so trying to find an answer seemed, to me, to give some security against it happening again.  It seems now that isn't the case and if there's no practical outcome that's any use to us then there's no point going through these endlessly stressful and time consuming appointments.  There's a part of me that fears just saying 'C'est la vie' (or whatever the most appropriate phrase might be) but also a part that finds it liberating.  I'm trying to focus on the liberating bit :)  I think now the thing to do is focus on what we can do practically - a good college place would be worth its weight in gold, as would having access to a few more leisure activities a bit nearer to home.  For me personally it would be so lovely to be within coffee drinking distance of four very good friends, one of whom has a son who gets on well with my son (the others have kids that are nice to my boy but he and this one lad get on particularly well together and are similar ages).  And of course, being away from old memories will be nice as well.  So practical change is afoot!  I do feel very tired today - I think all the stress and tension that's been building up is starting to seep out so I feel quite deflated.  But my workload has reduced dramatically if I can stop the 'illness' pursuit now so I can slow down a bit and spend a bit more time on me.

In other news - and I'll keep you all posted on this - a nice man has contacted me.  I know him vaguely from my wild days many years ago as I used to know his sister.  I met him a couple of times back then and liked him a lot, but he was a very sweet, sensitive guy and not at all suited to my heavy drinking, 'take all the drugs you can get ' stage of life.

I've not seen him in twenty years but have bumped into his sister from time to time and swopped 'hi' messages and then a little contact over the years via email and Facebook.  He messaged me last week as he has just moved back to the area (and ironically is living in the same village as me) so we are meeting up for a drink next week.

I am looking forward to some intelligent conversation if nothing else!  I have been pondering how ironic it would be to meet someone just as I'm preparing to move.  I am putting the cart before the horse, of course, but am trying to go forward with an open mind and just enjoy the experience for whatever it turns out to be :) xx