Author Topic: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)  (Read 28509 times)

sKePTiKal

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #900 on: August 19, 2018, 10:26:40 AM »
It's OKAY to just "be" for a couple months and only do what you WANT to do - as you have energy for it (but simply pay attention to how that works) and even only take care of ONE to-do a day. It's OKAY to have some days of inside, tv, cocooning time, TOO.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

Hopalong

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #901 on: August 20, 2018, 09:23:20 AM »
I think the anxiety is natural, (((Tupp))) and like you, sure hope it passes soon.

I took from your post a sense of the perfection review...am I doing everything perfectly? Do I have every possible turn in the road anticipated? Have I done what I've done so far perfectly?

WHEN WILL THE OTHER SHOE DROP?

I think that's natural too, but know from my formerly anxious years how hard it is. Then again, I believe that your processing and old and new fears and waves of worry are going to change and subside with time. You've barely arrived in your new location. You're still adapting to the change. (There is no "perfect" adapting. You're doing it as YOU do it and that's just fine.)

Difficulty IS a part of everyone's life. Just not ongoing daily fear and trauma. That's NOT a natural part of life. I feel total faith that you are going to learn, especially with the support of a T, how to gradually become more relaxed in the present, and continue to build more faith that the past isn't going to dominate every moment (though it's natural you'll ponder it now and then), and that whatever comes in the future you will be able to deal with.

When my anxiety was at its peak, Victor Frankl's advice was a godsend. "Ask yourself, what is the worst that could happen? And if it did, what would my next choices be?" As long as you remember that as long as you live, you will have choices, no matter how small (and sometimes they're just internal) that give meaning and dignity to your life.

For me, his philosophy was grounding, even though it was based on his terrible experiences. (See the book, Man's Search for Meaning.  Not exactly a "beach read" but excellent in stressful times.)

love,
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

lighter

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #902 on: August 20, 2018, 07:44:21 PM »
Hi Tupp:

Sometimes I think healing comes in waves.  Just when we're feeling better,the wave of feeling better crests, and we begin tearing down the other side of the wave.

I believe we hit the lowest point, learn from it, and begin surfing up the next wave.  I believe it's a pattern, whether we recognize it or not. 

The thing is, even if we understand there's a cadence, it's still terrifying, IME.  We fear facing down the devils and demons, even if facing them is the way to rid ourselves of them.  It's just hard. 

I've said this before, and I'll say it many more times, I'm sure. 

This kind of growth is very hard.  Most people can't do it.  They don't believe they'll feel better... they believe facing it will kill them on some level.     

I do think you're heading down the backside of your latest wave.  It was a great wave, and it took you to a better, safer, more supported place, but the demons are came with.

I think part of you understands it's time to do the next level of work, and get rid of the bigger demons.  Speak your truth to a compassionate witness, and I pray this new T IS that witness.  Can be good enough to help guide you through this next abyss.  If we can stay the course, go THROUGH the abyss, not around it, or under it, or stop short of it, we get through, and realize it didn't kill us.  It freed us a little more, and we get to view life again from the crest of that next wave, bc it's always on the way.

If we can resist engaging in old negative coping strategies, that will never lead to feeling better... these old patterns that try to go over or under or stop short of the abyss,
then we get through, and we're glad we made it when it's done. 

Again.  We're glad. 

We learn more about ourselves.  We see another level of strength we didn't know we had.  We laugh in the sun at the top of that wave, and we're glad to feel that sun.  Again.

I guess I'm saying I'm tearing down my own wave right now.  I think I can see you staring at your descent, and I'm scared for us both. 

You write about fears I've had, or am having myself.  What if things don't get better.  What if they stay the same, even though I've put distance, and time and supports in place. 

The thing is, I believe fear keeps us frozen.  Being frozen isn't failing, it's just being stuck.  We can get unstuck.  We've done it before.  We'll do it again.

How can we relax into the cadence of the waves?  Learn to flow.  Stop tensing up, and shutting down.  Lean over the wave, and embrace the abyss, knowing it leads to the other side, and out.  At least till the next wave is due.

You've surfed so many waves, Tupp.  I mean, you've been surfing since you were born.  Overcoming.  Surviving.  Getting through, and honestly....

what I know about you're legal struggle, overcoming sneak attacks from your mother, and sf all your life, not just recent ones....

if I knew nothing else about you, you'd be a hero to me. 

Knowing how toxic your mother and childhood was, knowing how you chose to leave behind destructive coping strategies, while adopting healthier ones, (AMAZING, IME) learning, and striving through the chaos, and fear.......
you're a giant of an Amazon warrior, and I can't wait to see you crest your next wave.

It will be frightening.  There will be doubt, and fear, but maybe we learn to lean into the open space with less fear.  Maybe we learn to trust that descent into the unknown darkness isn't a threat.  It's just the way to, and through another lesson we're ready to learn.

And I think you're ready.... some part of you understands you're ready, and when we're ready things begin. 

Would we feel better if we could just note the feelings, and relax into the process without building up anxiety, and resistance. 

IME it's sort of like getting sick.  We hate it.  We dread it, in fact, but we can always see how things could be worse, and just getting it out, throwing up, etc DOES make us feel better.  We know it will end, and we know we'll be back to caring for ourselves and duties soon enough.  We let ourselves be sick, even though there's never truly a good time for it.  There never will be.  We can't really choose the exact time, it sometimes chooses us.

I think you've surfed that last wave with amazing speed and agility, Tupp.  Like an acrobat!  You're learning and growing.  You don't have to worry you aren't.  You won't get to that next wave with worry, IME.

Try to let that worry come and go.... let it pass without judgement.  Let it BE, and notice it.  Employ curiosity, even when it feels wrong, or out of place, shift into it, and notice how that feels too.

This, too, shall pass.

For all of us.  The waves come, and they go.  They surf along, or we tumble, or we fall sometimes, but we get to the lowest point (if we're lucky) and know that's the only way to start back up.

Tumbling around, near the bottom, bc we fear the lowest point, isn't how we start back up the other side.

I'm trying to process this too, as I write, and I repeat, and that helps me.  I hope it helps you too, Tupp. 

You deserve less fear, more trust, more safety, more support that's yours to accept as needed.

More comfort in the company of others, and so you learn what your true needs are, how to assert them, and feel better, as you change, as you add habits/relationships, or subtract along your way.

Is it hard?

Ya.

Are you strong enough to get through the lessons?

I'm certain you are.

::nodding::.

Rest when you're too weary. 

Know energy is on the way.

Trust that you'll feel better again, very soon.

Trust the process.  Learn to view it as your ally, not a threat.

When your son is in college maybe you'll embrace the next lesson with more vigor, more courage, and more speed than ever before.  Maybe you'll move through it with economy of motion you'll note, and recognize, become very familiar with as you go.  Get comfortable with.

I don't know, but I do know you're due mental health days, like everyone else, and you should take them without guilt or doubt or confusion about what they mean.  They don't mean you're failing, or that you're weak.  They mean you're paying attention to self care, and that's huge, and necessary, and good.

Just noticing that you need them is huge, IME.

::nodding::.

Lighter





Twoapenny

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #903 on: August 22, 2018, 11:01:05 AM »
Thank you, you lot, I can't tell you what it means to me to open up the page and see all of you here with your kind and wise words and your endless patience :)  I'm so lucky to have all of you in my life :)

Lighter, I think what you said about riding waves is spot on.  I think I am coming back in to shore now :)  And Hops, funnily enough, I read your post about doing everything perfectly about ten minutes after I realised that the negative voices have been whispering away at me again - the house isn't cleaned yet, the curtains aren't up, you haven't cut the grass, you've not done all these days out you said you would, you haven't put a summer school programme in place for son, you're still overweight, you haven't met any new people yet - and so on.  I hadn't even realised it was happening but there it was again, badgering myself because I haven't done anything perfectly and there's still a lot to do.  And then I realised - we haven't even been here four weeks yet.  Once again, I've had a notion in my mind of how everything ought to be, and I'm falling short in every respect, every time.  And that has made me realise that I think the nub of the problem is that I'm terrified of just being me.  I don't know how to just be myself, not fuss about how things should be or ought to be, not keep having some ideal in mind that I feel I need to work to and if I can only get there I will finally be okay and I will finally be happy.
I did feel I could be myself with my dad - and he died.
I could never be myself around my mum.  She needs a sycophant, a confidant, a partner in crime.  She doesn't have the capacity to meet a child's needs once those needs become more than being fed and changed.  And we all know what happened when I finally stood up to her and tried to break away.
My stepdad, or more specifically, the abuse with my stepdad, made me disassociate, I think.  I look back on my teenage years and I see a shell of a girl who was going through the motions.  A fractured, abused, terrified child hiding in plain sight beneath a happy go lucky exterior (if I was happy and constantly making jokes everyone left me alone.  No-one could get to me, upset me or hurt me anymore).  No-one saw through it or realised what was going on.  In all honesty I don't think anyone cared enough to want to know.
School was difficult because we were a low income family living on a rough estate and my mum sent us to a school out of the area that was largely middle class.  I didn't fit in and was teased and bullied about my clothes.  It would have been worse if I hadn't been the class clown and made people laugh a lot, I think.  On the estate we were teased for being posh and going to a posh school.  I didn't fit in with the kids or any of the other families.  I tried but I always felt I was on the outside.  The same happened at college, I always seemed to be the butt of jokes.

Work was better because I worked hard and the people I worked for liked me for that and I was praised, which I enjoyed.  Work also meant little interaction with people because I was always at work so I just got on with it and didn't have to chat to anyone too much.

University was amazing and was the only place I felt like I did fit in.  I don't know if it's because we were all working towards the same thing or if the people were just better to be around - more intelligent and open minded, perhaps?  But since Uni I've taken on different guises and I've always done it thinking if I can be this sort of person it will all be okay - people will like me, I won't feel like shit all the time, I'll get a nice man, a decent job and so on.  But it's just never happened, whatever I've done, however hard I've tried I've always ended up alone.  And I think it's because I've been constantly rejecting myself and making these tenuous connections with people who aren't really right for me.  I convince myself this is it, I'm here, I've got these new friends, I've been invited to this event and so on - but when the situation changes and I can't keep up the facade for whatever reason (son being ill is the most recent example) they all vanish and I'm left on my own again.

So - being scared of who I am.  Being afraid to dig deep and really bring out the real Tup.  I did well in counseling years ago and was starting to bring my real self out - and then social services accused me of child abuse and my world fell apart.  The scariest thing about that was that the counselor I'd been seeing, a lovely lady who'd really encouraged me to be truthful with people, to stand up for myself, to say what I think and so on, advised me to tell the social workers what they wanted to hear and get rid of them as quickly as possible.  She'd been through similar with other clients and she said "Tup, these people don't play fair.  They will lie and manipulate to get what they want.  Don't engage with them, just get them out of your life as fast as possible".  It was frightening advice from someone I trusted who'd been so keen for me to be honest and assertive with people.  But she was right, they fabricated reports, they supressed evidence, they broke every rule in the book.  And then the same thing happened when I reported my step-dad to the police, again, at a time I was having a lot of counseling and talking about boundaries and standing up for yourself and so on.  And I did and they called me a liar and reported me to social services again, again with a fabricated report.  It has felt like whenever I start to come out - whenever Tup starts to show herself - someone is there with a big shovel to bang her back underground.  So I do feel scared.

I will start with new T next month.  I'm going to buy a push bike once son goes to college - there are miles of coastal cycle paths around here and I intend to cover as much of them as I can.  I see no reason to do anything other than cycle, see my T and journal whilst son is at college (apart from meeting with a friend for a sauna and hot tub, we have already decided on this once term starts).  And I think I need to try and work with what I already have instead of keep aiming to be someone else.  I am intelligent.  I am honest, I'm hard working, I'm diligent, I'm creative, I am a lover of life.  Those are all good qualities, I'm not sure why showing them keeps bringing me negative results.  But I think I need to work on those qualities without an agenda or an aim in mind to just find out who is really hidden in there and what it will take to make her safe enough to come out and then stay safe while she is out.

There is literally no-one else I could say all of that to who wouldn't think I was completely mad and needed to see a psychiatrist urgently.  But I know you guys will get it.  I feel better in myself than I have done for the last few days.  More level, more normal.  I just need to keep reminding myself that it's okay to take two steps forward and then three back, and to put it all down for a while if need be.  Thank you all for being there xx xx xx

Hopalong

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #904 on: August 22, 2018, 06:24:40 PM »
Tupp, I am scrambling with little time tonight, but just want to say you are an:

Insight-O-Rama
Reflection Regent
Maturity Maven
Perceptive Princess

Golden, wise, really wonderful and RELIABLY INTELLIGENT AND THOUGHTFUL human being. I just think you are piling up, from all your difficult and determined experience...a huge freaking pile of

WISDOM.

I am so deeply impressed by what you've written.

You are moving from chronic fear to cronehood. (Me, I love the idea of cronehood, but ymmv...)

Slow claps and big hugs,
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

lighter

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #905 on: August 22, 2018, 07:05:34 PM »
You're processing lots, Tupp.

I'm going to speak to one or two things.....

ONE. 

Yes.  Releasing expectations for what comes next is a good thing.
To bike, sauna with friend, and look around with curiosity as you've planned sounds really productive, Tupp.  It's OK to stop doing doing doing all the time.  Be gentle, and nurturing with yourself.  Hush the voices when they pop up.  Calm the judgements and reassure them they're no longer needed.  They belong, and will of course stay, but they can be calm and quiet now.  It's OK.

Second thing.... we have choices about who we let into our lives.  Who we
 give an audience to.  Who we fill our minds with.  You were stuck with your FOO, but you grew up, and went your own way.  We all did.  We made mistakes. 

At some point, we're meant to stop repeating the same mistakes, and make new ones, but did we stop?  Or did we get stuck, and learn to feel cold comfort in the familiar?

  Is moving forward about learning to put up with the discomfort of not knowing what comes next?  Of not filling our time with something familiar, bc we can't sit with doing nothing for a while? 

Hopefully, we learn to evaluate our relationships and re file people every once in a while, with some consistency.  Some earn more trust, some lose trust, but we can do that without judgement, or anxiety, anger etc.  Right?  We can LEARN to do it without those things, maybe. 

Maybe if we feel entitled to do it.... if we can hush the voices, and judgements, and fears we can recognize the choices, and pick something new?  Or not. 

It reminds me of the African bushmen who trap monkeys by putting nuts into tree hollows so the monkeys grab them, and make a fist.  When the bushmen approach, the monkeys can't get their closed fist out of the hole, unless they let go of the nut, and so get caught.  This has nothing to do with the topic, but the monkeys are fed salt, then released when they're very very thirsty.  They lead the bushmen to the closest water.

If only the monkey knew it was a stupid trap they could escape.  That's what we called it in martial arts.  A "stupid trap". 

How many of our thought patterns and habits are stupid traps we can change and escape if we pay attention, so we can identify other choices?

I can't help but feel very giddy about your journaling, and paying attention to what comes up, what you notice about old habits.  What new options come into focus for you, and how you feel about them. 

With pressure coming off you, like you're a beautiful deep sea creature approaching the surface/sun..... you'll have odd adjustments, and unexpected side effects that  throw you off.  Getting thrown off is part of the journey, and where the big growth happens, IME.

I think the pain of growth is easy to dread, and that dread takes a lot of energy to sustain, IME.  If only we could let it go, and shift easily back to curiosity.  Wouldn't that be amazing?


I know I've seen it written here, and written it myself more than once....

growth is pain, and I'm so very tired of growing.  Sometimes I feel like I'm  not strong enough for the next go'round, then I'm in it, but then it's on me, and before I know it I'm swirling around in a gentler pool, at the end of it, and that lesson is over if I can hang on to it for a while.  If I can integrate it, and keep it.

The journaling will help you keep track, I think.

And speaking your truth to the new T, and perhaps this friend you're spending time with.  We all have to be able to tell someone EVERYTHING about ourselves.. the worst of it, and the best of it, and still be accepted.  That's what an old best friend told me once, and I remember it every once in a while.  I think it's helpful to remember that.

Don't give your trust to people who don't deserve it, Tupp.  That's a good way to not end up  lonely or alone.  And remember, YOU are your own best friend.  YOU are a wonderful resource, and what you think matters.  Really pay attention to what you feel, and desire.  It matters, and you'll likely be surprised by what your intuition has to say.  Write it all down, and just let it be without judgement.  That information has messages for you, and you have to remember "monkey let go," or you can't receive.

((Tupp)), seaside, communing with nature, and letting safe friendship in.

::nodding::.

Yes, yes, yes.

Reposting poem about letting go.

https://www.lightworkersworld.com/2012/01/she-let-go-a-poem-by-rev-safire-rose/

I do love it.

Lighter




lighter

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #906 on: August 27, 2018, 09:42:21 PM »
Hi Tupp:

I'm hoping you're doing OK right now, and that's why you're quiet.

Remember...

if things aren't OK.....

it's OK.

Everything passes.

Things get better.

(((Tupp and son)))

Lighter

Twoapenny

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #907 on: August 28, 2018, 08:55:58 AM »
Thanks Lighter, sorry, I've been struggling to post again, I've still been reading but it's been hard to get the words together and write anything down.  I don't know what's going on with me at the minute, I feel pretty rotten and very tired.  I'm trying just to go with it and not think about it too much - just be and accept it - but I'm finding it hard and my brain feels very foggy.  I've been struggling with friends as well; everyone seems to be in a crisis of some sort at the minute and I'm back to not answering the phone in case it's someone wanting to moan for an hour.  We were supposed to be meeting up with a friend over the weekend but they faffed about all day changing arrangements and eventually cancelled all together, quite late in the day.  Their son has similar problems to my son so I do understand how difficult it can be but it's just as difficult for us to hang about all day waiting to find out what we're doing, only to find the answer is nothing.  I don't know how to be compatible with not wanting to be in control all the time when other people being in control causes problems.  I've put my sister on mute; she's like a 19 year old, constantly lurching from one crisis to the next and never doing anything about it and generally driving me mad.  Another friend has texted to say her son's suicidal and I don't believe her; she's had so many emergency situations in the past that have turned out to be nothing that I don't think she's being truthful - and even if she is I don't have the energy to deal with it.  I am trying to do self care every day.  I did realise that I tend to do self care until I start to feel better and then I stop doing it because I feel okay.  So I'm trying to do it every day but it does seem to be unleashing all sorts of things in me.  Maybe some of its just toxins where I've tried to clean up my diet a bit.

Sorry.  I am reading and I do think about you all all the time, really, you are like my cyber family I carry in my mind :)  I am hanging on in there, it just seems to be a bit of a roller coaster at the minute, hopefully it will slow down a bit soon xx

Hopalong

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #908 on: August 28, 2018, 10:30:54 AM »
(((((Tupp)))))

You don't have to engage in huge analytic dialogue here all the time.
We know you're there and you know we're here and we know you're neck-deep
in transition and maybe some moving-related depression even a little?

Just post when you can but don't...evaporate. Or we'll all have white hair.

I was sorry you needed to wait a month for the T but I'm really glad
that is coming up soon, because you need an anchor there. It's important and you deserve it, that concentrated compassion.

If you can't do a ton of journaling right now maybe just keep small notes about mood swings, triggers. Bare bones. It might be helpful to you and the T when you start. (I find it easy to "forget" what feeling bad feels like when I feel good, and vice versa.)

Sometimes the only way to still the perfectionistic inner critic is to become the same but going outward. I wonder if you might be feeling critical of others because the tune is so familiar (you've criticized yourself for so long for not being perfect).

Nobody is. Breathe in suffering, breathe out love. (Tonglin meditation.)

love and comfort,
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

sKePTiKal

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #909 on: August 28, 2018, 11:49:48 AM »
Well, let's see...

you got all focused and geared up to move and got through it a like a champ! Did you reward yourself? A special treat? Maybe a present of some new curtains for the place... or even just a vase full of flowers? You work HARD and earned a treat ya know. (Yeah, it's OK to do this before a "have to" ya know.) Sometimes this works like magic against "emotional whiplash".

I don't think it's against the law to bestir yourself and go for a walk by yourself - or window shopping and exploring. Might help clear the fog & cobwebs? Try to notice details you might not have noticed before because there was so much "new" to look at. You don't NEED a friend to go with you - you are the amazing and fabulous and wonderful Tupps and if you go by yourself you up your chances of meeting a new person who's friendly and might become a new friend after awhile. (Yeah, yeah... pep talk for me too - LOL.)

And I still maintain that if you really don't have any energy, it's OK to honor that and rest up - letting your BRAIN rest too - by being a slug as long as you don't slide into feeling bad about yourself because of it. That whole moving story was a roller-coaster of ups/downs emotionally. It takes a toll on physical energy - it truly does. For anyone and everyone no matter their pasts... or apparent skillsets... or anything we might try to compare ourselves too. We need however much time we NEED to be ready for the next task, adventure or change.

Because I moved in the winter, I didn't tackle ANY projects for 3-6 months afterward. And lots of boxes still remain (2 years later) to be opened and their contents sorted, purged etc. And yes, I felt myself clinging to my "old normal" a lot too... as all the bits and pieces of my psyche caught up with the fact I really DID make a huge change and started to figure out the "what's next" of it all.

ps - let's call this "new stuff exhaustion". You plunged right into the new... and being tired, all the "old" seems like a cocoon of familiar, "safe", and "normal".
« Last Edit: August 28, 2018, 11:56:32 AM by sKePTiKal »
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

lighter

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #910 on: August 28, 2018, 09:56:54 PM »
((Tupp)) 

I think it's difficult not to slip back into criticizing ourselves, esp after a huge undertaking like you've gone through, again and again. 

It's an old established pattern.  It's not going to go away easily, IME.  I wish we could laugh at it, then dance away, but it's not that easy.

I'm glad you're trying to maintain self care.  If you can breath, do yoga, and meditate through this, maybe it'll give you insights you weren't expecting.  So much is happening at the moment, and it's unfortunate your "support" group is struggling also.

Honestly, maintaining some distance, out of self preservation, seem very wise to me. You have to be able to help yourself stay level in order to connect with others, and lend support to them.  It's OK to be there for them in the way you need to be, and not in the ways they say they need you.  Breath.  Accept you can only do what you can do, and take care of yourself.  Your sister will have to fix herself, and her situations.   Allowing people to complain, and worry AT you, when they don't DO anything to change their situation isn't productive, is it?

No.

So give yourself space.  Remind yourself you didn't cause their situation, you can't fix it, and they'll have to do it for themselves. 

When you have an update, whatever it is, we're here waiting for you.

I'm so proud of you for handling the move as well as you did.  Just amazing, Tupp.

I can imagine you need some down time, and recovery.  Be kind to yourself.  Give pats on the back, and remember what you've accomplished.  You're human, and we all require empathy.  Self compassion is important.  Speak to yourself with kindness, and curiosity.  Ask yourself what you're thinking, what you want to eat, how you'd like a cup of tea, etc and see what comes up.

Lighter

Twoapenny

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #911 on: September 01, 2018, 05:11:19 AM »
Thank you all, again, so much, I really can't ever put into words how much your support and words of wisdom mean to me, and how much you don't mind when I fall off my horse and are happy to just wait for me to get back on it again.  I don't feel I am back on it yet but I feel I can look at the horse and the saddle and not be terrified by it :)

I'm not really sure what's been going on the last few days but I just wanted to jot down some thoughts and things that have come to me as I've been muddling through it all.

I do think there's a hormonal element to it.  I don't think it's purely hormones causing these big break downs but I think they exacerbate what's already there and make it harder to me to contain and control it.  Which might be a good thing, I most definitely can't ignore it and pretend it isn't there.  But the two weeks before my period each month are very difficult and have been for a long time now (in fact, my periods have always been difficult, ever since I first started having them).  Hormone research is on my to do list; I want to understand what is happening better and find ways to help myself naturally.  I mentioned on Lighter's thread that I have noticed coffee and wine trigger hot flushes - I want to figure out more things like that so I can avoid some things and perhaps up my intake of others.  We'll see where that goes.  What I don't want to do is read another book that has some crazy diet and supplement plan in it that I try for a week and can't stick to because it's too expensive/time consuming/revolting and so on.  Anyway, waffle waffle, but that's something I want to look in to.

There is definitely a strong emotional and physical reaction to anything to do with the public sector now.  It doesn't need to be confrontational or fraught; any interaction and any mention of it is setting me off.  Son had a meeting at college on Thursday.  It was a brief, informal chat to just go over timetable. equipment, transport arrangements and so on.  What I noticed was (a) feelings of shame and being judged when filling in family and emergency contacts - mine all say no family, no father and our emergency contacts are friends of mine.  I know logically that I shouldn't feel any shame but it is still there.  Similarly, they offer a consent form for photographs to be shared on social media and websites.  I've had to refuse consent for that sort of thing for years, so that my mum doesn't get any notion of where we are or what son is doing.  I always feel ashamed and embarrassed, even though I know I shouldn't and every time I do it the person asking for consent always says "don't worry, lots of other people are in the same boat" - which is true.  These things are far more widespread than most of us realise.

So the shame and the guilt is something I need to work on.  I do feel guilty that I haven't been able to provide son with a nuclear family.  Societal guilt more than anything else?  Maybe, but it's something I need to work through so is on the list :)

College continues to be a good experience.  We've had one to one contact with four different members of staff now as well as a small amount of contact with about four other staff members, plus reception and admin staff and the lady in the cafe.  I have nothing negative to say about anyone; everyone has seemed to know what they're doing and do the job well.  There is absolutely no reason for me to respond negatively to the prospect of a meeting at the college.  Similarly, we had a call from the new doctor the same day.  They want to meet my son; it's standard practice for a new patient with complex needs, they like to put a face to a name, check prescriptions and set up repeats, they have to put a note on the file that it's okay for people to speak to me about him because ordinarily someone of his age would be sorting out their own medical problems.  All completely routine, but by Friday morning I was on the floor in the bathroom, shaking and crying and feeling sick.  Yesterday was a blur, today I feel more together but very tired.  It will probably take until Monday to be functioning again and this is the problem - even problem free interaction with the public sector is knocking three days out of my week and that makes my workload completely unmanageable.

I also noticed that while, in my head, I was ranting and swearing and threatening to stab people, I was able to be perfectly calm and polite to the people we met with, deal with what was needed and come across as a completely normal person.  So I think I need to give a crazed, demented, 'not-give-a-shit' voice to the other side of me, through writing or painting, and not give any thought to how, what or why.  Just let it out and let it go.  Let her be heard.

What else.  I mentioned before about people calling to moan and complain.  Hops, I thought about what you said about wanting people to be perfect and I don't think it is that.  What's occurred to me over the last few days is that the world in which I live has changed dramatically over the last twenty years and my friendship set has changed with it.  There was a time when I was at work, or studying, or had a social life (or all three, most of the time) and I wasn't generally around people who only had problems.  There was talk of college, or the job in hand, or books, films, places people had been to, mad stories about so and so who went to Thailand and got chased by a monk and a small goat or whatever - just life, but a life that wasn't full of sickness and strife and difficulties.  I can only think of two friends now who travel, or read, or see films and want to discuss them afterwards.  Everyone else I know is like me - stuck in a life they don't want and didn't ask for and not being able to see any way out of it.

I don't know how to change that or get out of it, particularly as life is hard, and getting harder for disabled people in the UK.  I can't change his disability so I can only think to change small things.  I wondered about making a point of going to the pub at the weekend, just for one or two drinks, a different pub each time, and maybe even making a jokey project about it - what the pubs are like, how many crazy people do we encounter.  I think my perception of myself is of a boring, middle aged woman with nothing to offer.  I think I need to make myself talk to people who aren't disabled or ill or looking after someone who is and just talk to the regular strangers without worrying that I look needy or desperate.

I think as well that I need to aim to visit one new place a week, just to make sure we don't fall back in to familiarity and only going to the same shops, cafes, beaches and so on.  It's easier for both of us if we know what we're getting in to - it's easier for son to cope and easier for me to cope if he's coping.  But it also gets stale and boring and I think it's making me stagnate.  So I need to try and change that.

What else?  Son loves films and loves talking about films.  His knowledge is encyclopedic, truly staggering, but his autism means he delivers lengthy monologues and he has very little interest in what anyone else is saying.  It got me thinking whether, in a few months time once we've settled with college and got a few things in place, I might look into setting up a cinema group for people who love films, love to talk about films but who might find it difficult to find people to go with - not necessarily aimed at people with disabilities, but generally just anyone who might find a regular film club difficult for some reason.  Something to keep in mind for further down the line, I think.

Some good things have happened.  I find it hard to focus on anything good when I feel so bad.  But we've been given a bursary by the college to help with some of the costs associated with son's course, which is good and will be a big help.  He's also been given money towards his lunch every day.  He takes a packed lunch, because of all his food issues, but he can use the money for a hot drink or a snack if he wants to so he will like being able to do that and get himself a hot chocolate or something.  It also seems that, because of the award he's been given for disability benefits, we can use some of the money to lease a car.  I don't know if they run a similar scheme in the states, but we have a system where if you tick the right number of boxes, you can lease a car at a very reasonable rate and everything's looked after for you - tax, insurance, servicing, repairs and so on.  They're nice vehicles and there's a wide range to choose from.  I haven't investigated it fully yet, but it looks like we'd be eligible and if we get one it will make it a bit easier to get out and about more when the weather's bad (son struggles with weather so standing at bus stops in the pouring rain is difficult) and I'd be able to get his adapted bike in it and take him for bike rides (at the moment I can't get the bike to the cycle path because it's too hilly and he can't manage the hills).  But there are literally miles and miles of flat, well maintained coastal cycle paths around here and we could go to a new starting point each time and explore the area.  I like the sound of that.

Anyway - a bit of a splurge.  I am still reading and re-reading all your posts, thank you so much again.  Starting to come back to the land of the living now xx

sKePTiKal

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #912 on: September 01, 2018, 10:05:59 AM »
Tupp, it sounds like you're doing JUST FINE, to me. I'm only going to address one, maybe two things.

The reaction to "officialdom" I can definitely understand, having had my own struggles with it. Even when it's such a positive interaction - there is a distinct memory of the experience when it was so much WORSE. Just the contrast in the experiences would be enough to set off the bits in me, that were soooo triggered and traumatized by the past experiences. Took me hearing someone say: "nothing bad will happen" and "nothing bad happened" over & over - and me telling myself that - to finally get past having a reaction at all. There are still echoes of it that remain - but they don't get in the way anymore. (much)

The hormonal thing is different for everyone - and also can vary a lot in individuals. Don't discredit the amount of stress you've been under for years, the adrenalin needed to complete the move, the disorientation that happens when you're in a new place. All that stimulates cortisol - and when the other hormones are starting to change too - most people are miserable until it calms down. And it can calm down in many different ways even using simple, non-invasive/Rx things.

SLEEP is a big one. You'll have to figure out exactly what you need to sleep at least 7 hrs a night... and I mean deep restful sleep. You've picked up on the caffiene connection (remember tea can have more caffiene than coffee) and I still have to restrict my intake. I was down to just 2 mugs of coffee in the mornings for awhile. I still revert to that sometimes to avoid the after lunch "crash" syndrome. I drink a lot of herbal tea - most of it simply pleasant tasting without any medicinal input - cranberry or hibiscus or camomile instead for my "sit down breaks". Sometimes a hot bath at night will relax you enough to feel sleepy... and try a fan blowing across you, to keep hot flashes from waking you.

Physical exercise outdoors. Melatonin balance will help you sleep better. A little Vit D supplement in the darker months too. My summer has been so gray here this year, that I've added D back into the rotation of things I use. I experimented a little with hormonal supplements, but they didn't do squat for me... so I focused mainly on balanced nutritional things and that did help.

But however you choose to address this, only do one or two things at a time - so you can decide which is really helping or not. My friend went all out on the Rx side of solving the symptoms... and while they did help a bit with the "wanting to stab people" side of things, LOL... overall she had to stop throwing the kitchen sink at it, and figure what was working and what was just confusing things even worse.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

Hopalong

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #913 on: September 01, 2018, 12:50:11 PM »
Wow, Tupp.
You are such an extraordinary chronicler.
I hope one day you'll print out every single post you've put here and write a memoir based on it. If you want to.

I am stunned, over and over, by how evocatively--and intelligently--you perceive your own inner growth and situations and how precisely you can narrate and summarize them.

Even when you're distressed by various emotional surges you still see, so clearly.

I have such faith that triggers will become eventually wee bits of plastic, and that routines and settling and your son's satisfying new experience in college, and all of it...are going to add up to a contented life. Not a perfect one, but the kind of contentment that comes from self-respect.

Not provide a nuclear family? You SAVED him from one, that was actually nuclear. You are a hero.

Boring middle-aged woman?
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
You're just a weary one. One taking a step at a time on the path to peace.

But you're one of the most interesting, vital, profound people I know. I respect you a ton.

And I have complete faith that one of these days, you'll be going about something...something ordinary, something in nature, something domestic, even something bureaucratic....and it'll hit you that you solidly (not fearfully or ferociously, just solidly) respect yourself.

You've earned it. You don't need to fuss over what other people think any more. Take that bright mind and lively, creative soul out there and enjoy. The right folks will cross your path and come into your life in the right numbers and at the right time.

Meanwhile, as Amber said...be kind and patient and self-caring and know it's all natural, what you're passing through just now. You ARE safe. You ARE sheltered. You ARE not just competent, but amazing at motherhood.

Now, you're easing into a new time of...Tupphood. May it be beautiful for you. On the days it's not, may you trust that it will be again soon.

love,
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

lighter

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #914 on: September 01, 2018, 10:20:33 PM »
I so agree with what you said about the guilt and shame surrounding school contact information questions.  It's a profoundly triggering experience for me too. 

The best I can do is not fill it out till it's late, then rush, and ditch it... try not to linger over it.  By now, I'm better at it.

The truth is, not everyone has close, safe family they can depend on.  You're not alone, and PDs are everywhere.  You need to let yourself off the hook.  You're worthy of close loving phamily.   Focus on THAT, not on what your FOO robbed you of.

You were robbed, btw.  It doesn't define who you've become, or who you will be.  You fear it will, and does, but that's a stupid trap, IME.  What we fear will find us.  We have to learn to shift focus. 

I'm aware of the above, just not great at doing it. 

About sinking into the past, letting it have it's say, and voicing what goes on inside our heads....

YES. 

I absolutely believe we have to give it voice, or it keeps tapping us on the shoulder, asking to be heard, taking our attention from what's in front of us.  It's imperative to SEE what's in front of us, so ya....

let the screaming, ranting voices out, and don't hold back.  Paint it out, write it out, scribble, read then scribble and scream some more.  Look at old photos, talk to the people in them at younger ages, choose many ages, and have chats with them at every stage.  Ask questions, such sad heart breaking questions, then answer them three different ways, each sad answer sadder than the last, and just let them have that sad/angry/confused say, bc it's the way out, IME.

It's time, Tupp.  Your old chapters are in the way of starting new ones, IMO.  I think you'll feel so much better once you manage it.... and it won't be DONE in a day.  It will come out and off in layers, IME. 

And how do you make sense of everything?  All that's happened?  All the unfairness, and harm, and threat?  Perhaps it's behind you, but it was real, and it's still inside you..... how to silence it? 

It's messy work, IME.  Scream, rant, draw, write, read, re write, paint, rant, and scream your way through it.  Take out photos of your son age 1, age 2, age 3 and 4 and 5 and 10 and have conversations with him.  Photos of your mum, and sf, and sister, and other family members.  Photos of yourself.  They'll be the saddest, angriest, most heart breaking conversations you've ever had in your life, and they'll also be the ones that free you, IME.

I hope this new T is trustworthy and capable.  I hope you can do some of this work while you're with her.  Take a comforting blanket, and favorite pillow.  Take the photos you want to deal with first... the hardest maybe, or not.  Get busy putting the past to bed.  It won't kill you, IME.  It will set you free, and that means you can begin new chapters.

You deserve new chapters, friends and PHOO.  You deserve to make new mistakes, and overcome new challenges.  We all do.

About the hot flashes...
peppers, 
any kind,
bring them on for me. 
Strong emotions do it too. 
Having to pee in the night... I wake up... have a hot flash, then a minute later have to pee. It's a thing.  It used to be a nightly thing.  Now it's a couple of times a week thing.

I'm facing my own horse, and saddle right now, Tupp.   I might be leaning up against it by now, but I don't want to get on, and ride the way I've been riding.  I have to finish some business first.  I can't do it anymore.  I won't. 

Something's gotta give.  I said it before, but I'm at the point where it's unbearable, and I choose anything, anything, to not have to keep riding the way I've been riding. 

I know this discomfort/pain/internal turmoil is a messenger.  It's telling me I have to make a move.  I have to find a way to change, and grow, and move on. 

And so, I'll try to let the discomfort have it's say without judging it a bad thing. It's just information, right?  Letting me know my present course isn't working, if it ever did, it's just not anymore.  That doesn't have to be a bad thing.  It can be the thing BEFORE better things, and in that case, it's not so scary.  Not so intolerable.

Youngest DD is asking to see a T, and wants me to see one too.  She's so wise.  Always has been.

::sending you strength to face the old stuff without reservation, and fear::..

Lighter