Author Topic: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)  (Read 28537 times)

Twoapenny

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #885 on: August 13, 2018, 09:41:24 AM »
Hmmmm. Closest thing I know to those bad feelings, is what I was calling the "emotional whiplash" effect in the throes of preparing to move, Tupps. Required me to sort through Mike's stuff and purge like a maniac because he had literally so much of it.

Almost as if the guilt-reflex had moved to the subconscious... and every time I did something positive JUST for me, to further my path and make ME feel better about getting there... Ka-WHAM... I had the same doom & gloom settle in on me. Was it pre-emptive punishment? Was it purely guilt for doing what I needed to, to take care of myself? Was it the reality of "he's not coming back" setting in?

I still don't know. But it's like I'm so thoroughly convinced that it's taboo and against the laws of the universe for me to be "happy" for more than a passing moment... that I've now internalized all the abuse I received so often out of jealousy, envy, spite, or Nism... that I do it to myself because I expect it.

Over the years, I've managed to get a firm hold on the reins of that runaway horse. Sometimes I get blindsided by it; sometimes I notice it and manage it; sometimes I tell it to F off and ignore it. I really want to get to the point where as soon as I recognize it - I just ignore it. Streamlines & simplifies the whole process ya know?

Skep, that makes a lot of sense, and I think what I'm trying to do or where I'm trying to get to at the minute is to let things be as they are and just get on with the day anyway.  I've always felt a great pressure to be happy, but as a kid that generally meant happy in a way that meant I wasn't a bother to my mum.  Stepford wife kind of approach, as long as it all looks shiny everything is okay.  And as I've gone through life the pressure continued - I experienced depression and mental health problems so there was a pressure there to be better and I've always felt that I should want to be happy and that sad feelings, anger, resentment and all those other things were bad and things that I should avoid feeling.  And no doubt in amongst that is guilt at putting myself first, or getting what I want out of life and a whole host of other things.  So I'm kind of trying to just sit with it and go about my day whilst feeling shitty (or have a do nothing day as I did yesterday).  I've not done a huge amount, just organised a few things for the week and tidied up a bit, meals always seem to take up a big part of my day.  We're going out for a walk in a bit and hopefully I'll get some paperwork done when we get back and will do some yoga and meditate a bit.  I feel very grumpy and like I think everyone's an arsehole at the minute but I did realise it doesn't actually matter - I don't treat my son differently because of it and I am capable of being polite to people if I do see them so I'm trying just to go with it and not fret.  Trying to observe rather than control - not my strong point!  Lol, we all get better with practise, right?

lighter

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #886 on: August 13, 2018, 09:57:53 AM »
Tupp:

When I shift into curiosity, it helps me deal more happily with grumpiness, and problems.

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Hopalong

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #887 on: August 13, 2018, 09:59:34 PM »
Tupp, I think you've spent so much time IN YOUR HEAD that now that you have a chance to walk in the sunshine, enjoy simple pleasures like beach, breezes, friends and son's new happiness, your head is taking a mo' to revert to some of its old doom and gloom grooves.

It's going to take time and lots of repetition before peace feels safe to you. You can't do anything about time. That's just how new processes form. But you CAN keep repeating the happy steps. Some days they'll feel real and other days like a fake exercise those "normal" people do. They're really something in between.

Happiness isn't ecstasy. It's a new habit made up of simple steps you've already discovered how to take. Just keep doing them as best you can, day by day. Allow yourself to flow and stop predicting. Just give that up since it doesn't work. Lean toward what feels happy and don't ask yourself if you deserve it or will be punished for it. Let it happen, cumulatively. And at some point, the habit of fear will be outworn by the habit of contentment and confidence.

This stuff is all NEW to you, so be very kind to yourself with any step back. Nothing moves in a straight line and it's natural some old toxic feelings would revisit, just to see if you'll let them take over again.

I'm betting you won't. And still think the adrenalin takes a while to ebb.

Love and comfort,
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Twoapenny

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #888 on: August 14, 2018, 04:38:51 AM »
Tupp, I think you've spent so much time IN YOUR HEAD that now that you have a chance to walk in the sunshine, enjoy simple pleasures like beach, breezes, friends and son's new happiness, your head is taking a mo' to revert to some of its old doom and gloom grooves.

It's going to take time and lots of repetition before peace feels safe to you. You can't do anything about time. That's just how new processes form. But you CAN keep repeating the happy steps. Some days they'll feel real and other days like a fake exercise those "normal" people do. They're really something in between.

Happiness isn't ecstasy. It's a new habit made up of simple steps you've already discovered how to take. Just keep doing them as best you can, day by day. Allow yourself to flow and stop predicting. Just give that up since it doesn't work. Lean toward what feels happy and don't ask yourself if you deserve it or will be punished for it. Let it happen, cumulatively. And at some point, the habit of fear will be outworn by the habit of contentment and confidence.

This stuff is all NEW to you, so be very kind to yourself with any step back. Nothing moves in a straight line and it's natural some old toxic feelings would revisit, just to see if you'll let them take over again.

I'm betting you won't. And still think the adrenalin takes a while to ebb.

Love and comfort,
Hops

Hops, that makes so much sense.  I noticed yesterday that I tend to work from three lists - things I want to do or that benefit me personally (good meals, exercise, phone a friend and so on), things that need doing round the house and paperwork related stuff.  I usually try to spread myself across the lists through the day and the end result is always that I don't do much (if any) of the things that I want to do for myself.  So yesterday, in my grumpy, feeling rotten state, I decided to only focus on the me list and boy, it was so hard!  I found it so difficult just to do things that only benefit me - eat good meals, rest when necessary, do some yoga, meditate a while.  It feels like a colossal waste of my time but it isn't, not one second of it.  It can only do me good but those bells were going off, running through me, all the things that need doing in the house, the garden, the paperwork, things I need to do with son.  It was a real battle of wills but I did battle through it.  We went out for a really nice walk in the afternoon.  I have discovered that there is a whole network of cycle and pedestrian access routes that roughly follow the river to and from the coast line.  We can get to it from our house (by cutting through by the supermarket which is handy for buying something for tea on the way back!) and from there we can literally walk miles, all on relatively flat, level, well maintained paths that are wheelchair friendly.  In addition to that, because it's a tourist area, it's well provided with cafes, toilets, access to bus routes and so on, so we have that flexibility of being able to stop and rest or just catch the bus home if we need to.  So we took the wheelchair and headed off.  It's really pretty in places and there are little information boards here and there.  It's well signposted (good for son to practise his navigating skills) and there are little stretches where you go past rows of houses so there were friendly cats along the way - they're everywhere!  We walked down to town and once you get there you can cut through the park, which runs along the side of the river.  Then you have this lovely walk by the river, the tide was going out so you can just watch the water rushing away and there's just something so relaxing about it.  There's a second hand bookshop that you pass by so we went in and had a mooch but all of that takes you to the town, so we went and did our boring but necessary stuff before heading back home.  I think that's what's making a real difference to us; we've got all this loveliness around us but we don't have to choose between going somewhere nice and getting things done - we can do both.

Jobs done, we headed back to the house.  Son walked about four miles in total (6.5 k or thereabouts) which is an astonishing distance for him, didn't once need or want the wheelchair and I think the effect of walking through nature has an impact on him even though he isn't as delighted by it as I am.  I think it calms him anyway.  But it was just a nice afternoon and a nice way to get around.  So - today the self care feels easier and I think you're right, those pathways will slowly change and adjust themselves but I have to keep doing it, even though it doesn't feel good at times.  Phew!  It feels nice writing all of that out :) xx

sKePTiKal

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #889 on: August 14, 2018, 09:22:31 AM »
The number of theories about the actual impacts of nature on our psyches are too long to list! Especially when the scenery is "new"... a person will open up the senses to it more (than just be in your head) so the impact is more noticeable.

I've learned to take that to a more zen level with my porch sitting. The porch is on the 2nd level - so I'm looking out into leafy green trees. This winter, without the leaves, it will be a more wide open vista and horizon. I notice minute changes - like the serviceberry tree leaves tinged with red and the hickories turning golden/orange. It's starting early this year - likely because of all the rain we've gotten. But rather than worrying about a mini-ice age winter I just notice and appreciate it. Sometimes I look and imagine changes to that scenery... like removing two smaller (for now) hickory trees that are too close to the porch when they're mature. Took out one even closer and bigger last year. I'll have a junky pine that's leaning toward the house removed as "preventative maintenance" and them limb up the closest stately oak near the house. I think of this of "fire prevention" - and there have been forest fires in the area before. (Way too wet this year for that to be an issue.)

That connection - and the noticing - does a couple things. Gets me out of my head and ruminating; lets me plan for an "improvement"; connects me to the 150 acres around me instead of always limiting myself to the 4 walls inside. It's monumentally relaxing! Nothing is so important that I can't spend minutes, hours, or even whole days just "being" surrounded by nature and feeling safe in it. That's a huge difference from the beach for me, where there were so many people in the summers that the crime rate, fires, and accidents significantly increased. Fall thru spring there was WONDERFULLY quiet though. I loved being able to hear the ocean a mile away during the quiet time.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

Twoapenny

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #890 on: August 15, 2018, 04:43:38 AM »
Will post properly later on but just wanted to write this down as it came to me.  I just realised that my big fear is that if I go inward, focus on myself, delve into myself, take my eye off the ball, stop controlling everyone and everything around me then bad things will happen.  I didn't think about my dad and he died, if I didn't keep my mum happy and smiling then our house was hell to live in, if I didn't stop my sister from acting out my mum used to go nuts, my stepdad was on at me any chance he got any time.  School wasn't much better, teacher's yelled at me for not concentrating in class, if I didn't keep up the 'funny Tup' facade I got bullied, I've had workplace situations where I bent over backwards to keep unpleasant people comfortable so that they didn't give out to me.  And of course all the people with my son, the social workers, the doctors, the local authority workers who have all shown time and time again that they will do bad things if they get the chance.  I think that's the problem - the fear is so deep and so real - and all of those things have happened, it's not me thinking what if, I could literally write a book about all the shite stuff people have done to me over the years - and I think that's why I find it so hard to relax and not keep one eye on what everyone else is doing.  I'm crying as I write this.  It feels so raw.  I have made contact with the local T about seeing her once son is in college.  So - I know the fear is there, I know it's real, I know it's valid.  I suppose the next step is figuring out how to deal with it xx

sKePTiKal

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #891 on: August 15, 2018, 08:22:35 AM »
WOW Tupp. That's truly HUGE and what a blessing to have such a clear and true insight.

Maybe just seeing it will make it somewhat easier to just breathe your way through those things that life throws at you. The broken shoelace, the dropped crockery kinds of things... the frustrations of bureaucracy... the things that trigger you now.

My mantra through stuff that triggers me, is that it's OK to be afraid! Even afraid of things that are no longer going on... as long as I can still put on my big girl pants and do it anyway.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

lighter

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #892 on: August 15, 2018, 02:09:29 PM »
(((Tupp)))

I'm crying with you, dear.  It's ok to cry, and feel every painful thing, finally.  Young Tupp, and now Tupp and in between Tupp s have things they need to say, and those are things are unfair, improbable things requiring the appropriate audience.  You deserve to tell. 

I hope your T can help you distance these feelings.  You haven't had a moment where being diligent wasn't required....maybe ever.

You need this focus on Tupp.  It's your time, now that you're safe. 

Heal. 

You'll build a whole different life after doing this work.

You're a lifelong learner.....with an amazing capacity to survive.   Just think what you'll do once energy frees up, and you leave hyper vigilance behind.

:: Nodding::.

I'm amazed by your strength, ((Tupp.))

Light


Hopalong

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #893 on: August 15, 2018, 07:13:41 PM »
Sweet ((((Tupp))))

I think it's because you're SAFE NOW that all those leftover raw feelings are flowing up. This is going to liberate your psyche to complete its healing. But it's an awfully painful thing to weather alone.

I am soooooooooooooooooooo glad you're going to see a local T. All my hopes for you that you find a kind one, go every single week, and stay with it for as long as it takes.

I'm going on decades of therapy. And feeling no shame whatsoever about it. Just gratitude. I wish you every possible helper, supporter, guide, trusted healer...you deserve every moment of understanding that comes your way, hon.

Much comfort,

Hops
« Last Edit: August 15, 2018, 07:20:57 PM by Hopalong »
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Hopalong

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #894 on: August 16, 2018, 12:21:42 PM »
Hang on, (((((((Tupp))))))))).

All things pass and these feelings will too.

xxxxoooo

Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Hopalong

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #895 on: August 17, 2018, 11:24:13 PM »
(((((Tupp))))

Have a sense you're really surfing a tsunami right now.

Just want you to know we're paddling right beside you.
On our big boards.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE, dear girl.

much love and comfort,
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Twoapenny

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #896 on: August 18, 2018, 01:59:00 AM »
Thanks Hops.  Sorry I haven't posted - head is all over at the minute and I'm struggling to organise my thoughts.  Am doing okay though - just hanging on.  I know you are all there with me and it helps me more than I can ever put in to words.  Will post properly soon xx xx xx

Hopalong

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #897 on: August 18, 2018, 10:56:06 AM »
No need to apologize, we ain't going anywhere!

I was just thinking your weary psyche might be throwing up (as in vomiting up!) a whole lot of feelings that you've just not been able to let to the surface in so very long. Life long.

And that must feel overwhelming or even scary. I'm just hoping that if you tell yourself over and over, this may feel overwhelming but it's actually an emotional passage about healing...it may help.

Moving is #2 on shrinks' lists of life's major stressors, second only to the death of someone you love. (Even when you move for POSITIVE reasons, your psyche reacts the same way--dislocation is what it thinks, not relocation). It's just a huge stress. Yet when you go through a move you have to stuff down every scrap of loss of what's familiar, which the psyche wants to grieve even if moving is the best thing you've done. You can't process anything while you're in massive efficiency and adrenaline mode, which is the only way anyone can get through a move. The cost is very turbulent feelings for a period afterward.

And all I'm trying to say is, this is normal even if intense. Trust it will change and pass and YOU ARE GOING TO BE OKAY.

Big hug, and no worries or apologies about prompt postings! Just thinking about you. Write when you like.

love,
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

lighter

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #898 on: August 18, 2018, 05:55:47 PM »
::waving to Tupp and son::.


Looking forward to an update😎
Lighter

Twoapenny

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #899 on: August 19, 2018, 04:27:24 AM »
Thank you, guys, for your support, it means an awful lot to me.  I am mindful that I've not been keeping up with other threads and I want to catch up on all of your other threads so I am hoping to sit down and do some reading soon :)

There is a huge amount coming up with me at the minute and I am struggling to get through the day and keep my sanity at the moment.  Hops, you are right about moving being stressful, and I remember going through a low patch last time we moved.  I think the whole process keeps you so busy and adrenalin filled that there is a crash the other side.  I do think as well that feeling safer means that other things have started flooding forward, plus I have been trying to eat less sugar and drink less caffeine which also has an effect on my energy levels (I don't have any! lol).  Added to which I am peri-menopausal (I don't think I've spelt that properly but I can't be bothered to check at the mo :) ) so I do get hot flushes and foggy head days at certain times in my cycle which is also not helping at the minute.

So - on a practical level, I am tired, I am lacking in energy, I am worn out from trying to manage myself as well as my son.  I do need to rest and son will be starting college in three weeks' time (making rest possible) but for now I am just muddling through which is fine.

The house still needs a lot doing to it and it is starting to bother me that things aren't done.  The garden still needs a lot of work as well and that's starting to bother me as well.  I think there are things that you can just put out of your mind for a while when other things are going on but now I'm feeling irritated by the dirty windows and the lack of curtains and the overgrown bushes and grass so I do want to get on and get that done.

On a deeper level (and I think this is where the problem really lies!) a huge wave of all sorts of things has been washing past me.  Lots of thoughts, dreams and mental images of step-dad, and also of my mum.  Huge waves of anger at my mum, actually, in a way that I haven't experienced for a long time.  Yes, I think it's coming out now because I'm feeling safer.  We do seem to have managed to move without anyone knowing and, whilst I'm glad we've made our escape and seem to have done it in secret, I have also been feeling a lot of sadness that many people that I cared about cared so little about me that they have no idea we don't live there anymore, and probably won't unless I tell them (which I'm not going to).  It seems silly to be bothered about people who aren't bothered about us and I definitely don't want people like that in my life but I am still feeling some sadness there and trying to just let it be and not think about it too much.

Things don't appear to be progressing well with the content of my son's education plan (ie, what the local authority will pay for beyond just the college place itself).  So it is looking like we'll be going to court and I was hoping we'd avoid it.  There's nothing more I can do about that at the moment so again, I'm trying to just let it be and see where it goes but it is stressing me out and bothering me.  I am also wondering again whether my son has been misdiagnosed.  I have wondered this many times over the years.  He doesn't tick the right boxes, which is why we struggle so much to get help.  I've been reading through his notes and reports again and there are physical difficulties there which keep being dismissed as behavioural issues, but I have private physiotherapy reports that are contrary to that.  I am wondering again if he does have cerebral palsy.  There are different kinds and there is one type in particular that seems to cover all of his different problems under one umberella, whereas none of his other diagnoses explain anything else, if that makes sense.  It can also vary in severity and it apparently is not unusual for milder cases to go undiagnosed until adulthood.  It's something else that I want to read up on and look in to.  I am trying not to think about that too much at the minute as I know I have a habit of starting new projects and not finishing them, which just makes me more stressed.  So I want to try and get everything else on my mind sorted out before I start investigating that rabbit hole further.

Phew.  There's so much whirring around in my mind at the minute that it's a struggle even to think it through enough to write it all down. But - the positives:

Son said yesterday that he really likes his new life, his new town and our new house.  That made my heart sing.  He's really happy and enjoying himself.  He likes the walk into town and being by the river.  In town he has a cinema, two comic book/superhero type shops, a Lego shop, a couple of computer gaming places, endless places to eat and drink and lots of charity shops (he loves hunting out DVDs and books).  These are all his favourite things and he enjoys being so close to them.  We also went to the local leisure centre for a swim during the week - very cheap, very clean, plenty of space and they allow 16 year olds in the health suite so next time we visit we can use the hot tub and sauna which I think will do us both the world of good.  It's really nice being so close to friends that we can actually do things with.  We met a friend with two of her sons for swimming, had coffee afterwards and then her elder boy came to the cinema with us while she took the little one home.  We went to the cinema on our own last night, and we're meeting the friend with her eldest boy to see a film tonight.  We went out with another friend during the week with her younger son and then met up with her two elder children (both grown up) and her grandson.  It's nice being able to pop to places and just get around easily, and not so constantly on our own.  Which in turn brings me to my next worry - I kind of feel that I've nowhere to hide now.  If things don't turn out well I feel like it's on my shoulders.  For years I've had the reasons of lack of transport, few friends, no support for son to prevent me from interacting with the world, really.  All of those reasons are melting away - so if I end up doing nothing but sitting indoors watching television I've only got myself to blame.  I'm aware of it and feeling anxious because of it.  I can only keep moving forward and trying and trying not to attach an outcome to it.  I have made contact with the T and will be booking an appointment for when my son goes back to college (probably the first week; she's quite near the college so I can still get there in an emergency if need be).

I'm trying to keep an open mind, not fall into things too much and just generally keep moving forward even though I feel stuck but I am finding it difficult.  I'm trying to focus on the positives (and there are a lot of positives) - not least so many friendly cats!  Word has obviously got round that a crazy cat lady lives here because several keep hanging around outside the front door waiting for a stroke and a cuddle :)  Lol xx