Author Topic: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)  (Read 26848 times)

Twoapenny

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #840 on: July 17, 2018, 12:19:08 PM »
More pondering - it's reminding me of two occasions that I had parties that no-one turned up to.  Once when I was a teenager and once as an adult.  Not that I arranged a party but I spent a lot of time thinking about whether to even tell these people I was going.  I did have a mind to just vanish and say nothing so that leap of trust I made in them was pretty big (for me) so yes, it is smarting a bit that they've not got in touch to say bye.  It will be nice to be away from this and not be let down by people.  My phamily in the new area aren't like this; plans are already afoot for moving in day with friends coming to help after work and one friend going to collect the cat for me so I don't have to worry about picking her up in amongst all the moving day madness.  I'm going to sort out some dinner and then get myself into the bath; my back easing off will help a lot x

Hopalong

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #841 on: July 17, 2018, 12:31:32 PM »
Bear in mind that SOME people will definitely let you down in future,
as that's human nature.

I think what will change is your ability to roll with that without losing
faith in humanity, build a more resilient and flexible way of reacting
to social behaviors (or misbehaviors) when people just don't live up
to what you'd like them to.

It's inevitable. Some will be a solid delight and others more shaky.
But the sounder you get within yourself, the less you'll feel you have
to control or fear or avoid reaching out to others. Because you'll have
your serenity and inner happiness no matter what they do.

Sure, transitory disappointment or let-down will happen. But I don't
think it will always hurt so much.

Can't change others. CAN change yourself (not by isolating or growing
afraid of liking or reaching out). Just by building emotional resilience.

You're already doing so much of that Tupp, it'll only increase in a better
location.

xxoo
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

lighter

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #842 on: July 17, 2018, 12:46:58 PM »
So, Tupp... it was the cat that went astray first thing.  We knew something wouldn't be perfect, but that was a surprise.  Lots of stress, plan off a bit, but nothing you can't overcome. 

Thank goodness you didn't break your ankle, kwim?  Just 2 hours gone amiss, and you're still moving ahead. 

About sadness, and the feeling young Tupp is being left behind.  It feels, for me, that young Tupp is no longer responsible, and in charge.... and perhaps she feels she's being left behind.  Maybe reassure her she's welcome, has a place, will always have a place, and it's her time to rest now that grown Tupp is in control.... protecting both of you.

She gets to leave the old memories, and landmarks behind TOO.  She gets to move past, and beyond WITH you.... she's not getting left behind.  The sadness muddles things up, IME.  Sometimes it's hard to discern what we're mourning, and there are things you will rightfully mourn in this. 

All the things you're leaving behind.... the people who should have loved, protected, and helped you.... but didn't.  The hope they ever could, or ever will.... it's time to release that hope.  That's what you're all leaving behind.  It's heartbreaking, and so your hearts will, and should, break. 

Mending has already begun.  The drive, the move, the cleaning process, the phamily gatherings will be new tribal land for these rituals.   Setting up house, and forming new routines.  Feeling comfortable in your new surroundings, and making discoveries.  New people, and places.  Possibility opens, away from the past, and you turn to adult Tupp's future. 

If there's a chance you have time to find a new T, perhaps that can be of moving with efficiency through the mourning process, and into the present.  It's necessary to mourn... sometimes feels like it won't ever end..... but it will, esp if you grab it by the horns, and shake it around without fear.... with curiosity, and bravery.  No sidestepping.  It's yours to deal with, and put to rest.  You can do this too. 

All the moving, and cleaning, and paperwork you've done, many times.  You'll do that well, as always.  Putting young Tupp at ease the new trick.  It won't go on forever.  Don't fear it will.  Know all this pain leads to serenity, and more joy.

((((Tupp and young Tupp)))

::Sending Amazon strength, and resolve to get you through::.

Remember.... stay curious.  Don't let fear have you.  It's behind you now.  You're in control of your life.  Not the past.

Lighter




Twoapenny

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #843 on: July 23, 2018, 03:51:15 AM »
Thank you both :)  Still reeling a bit from all of it - busy is not the word!  But we're here and I was greeted by an enormous seagull on my shed roof this morning :)

It's kind of been okay.  Very tiring and very stressful, but we've weathered it and now we're starting to surface again and get back to normal - or our new kind of normal, I should say!

Two guys came to load the van for us - very nice, very efficient, worked very hard.  We left quite a bit later than planned as everything took longer than I thought it would and son and I did go on a bit of a farewell walk around the village, just to give him a chance to see things for a final time and just to get some air and stretch our legs a bit.  I was so tired by the time we set off that I was worried that driving that far in that big van was dangerous and did think about finding somewhere to stay the night and just getting off the road.  The traffic was good, though, and we stopped for a coffee which gave me a second wind so we powered on through.  We got to our B and B about 8pm after a 5am start - long day and very tiring.  The BnB was lovely, very comfortable, the owner was very nice and had a very friendly dog and two friendly cats.  We both had a shower and turned in for the night, then had a nice cooked breakfast before setting off again.  I did prang the van on the way out; the turn was very tight and I misjudged it.  I couldn't see any damage so I'm just hoping I don't get a repair bill through.

We got to the new place and it smelt damp and musty, even after all the cleaning.  The guys that were unloading for us this end rang to say they were running late so I started to clean and unpack the kitchen and found a small leak under the sink.  Landlord was very good and got someone round straight away; the leak was fixed and the source of the musty smell dealt with.  And from that point on it has been a sea of unpacking and cleaning.  We're not straight yet.  Once the essentials were done I spent a day on the sofa and am intending to potter about and relax as much as possible from here on in.  The main thing is we're in, everything's grand and I don't think anyone knows we moved :) xx

lighter

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #844 on: July 23, 2018, 11:43:57 AM »
Wowsers,  Tupp.  That's a lot going on, as we knew it would be.  Sorry about the van.  These things happen, but if you can't see any damage, maybe it wasn't damage.  Just a close one?

Bleach the musty areas, and rinse well.  That should do the trick, IME.  That the landlord was responsive, bodes well, IMO.   

My soul did the happy dance when you wrote about the B&B, showers, friendly pets, and food.  Sounds like you slept, and breakfasted according to plan, even with the late start.  You're amazing.  Truly. I've had those scary experiences driving large moving trucks, bleary, and struggling.  You're strength, and ability to judge your limits is spot on. 

Well done, (((Tupp.)))

YOU'VE ARRIVED!

Lighter


sKePTiKal

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #845 on: July 23, 2018, 12:41:20 PM »
Sounds like a normal moving day, Tupp. Ya done good! And you're right - rest up before diving in again. It will be so much more fun.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

Hopalong

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #846 on: July 23, 2018, 03:59:22 PM »
Yay, Tupp!

I really like the sofa idea, and the just potter about until you feel rested and actually WANT to to do something else.

Oh I'm so happy you've arrived. It sounds as though people have been good to you along the way, and that is wonderful.

Elation may not hit for a while, if ever. What may happen instead is a slow lovely warm awareness that life is good. That you have a lot to enjoy. That you do not have to know exactly how everything will go, but that it is just fine to be a welcome stranger.

So glad you caught that leak right away. I'm sure after six months you'll be happy to move to nicer space, but I'm glad you have a safe base to look from.

Love,
Hops

"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

lighter

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #847 on: July 24, 2018, 10:45:12 PM »
Tupp:

I've been paying attention to how I feel around other people's energy today.  I spent time with an elderly neighbor couple.... felt cherished, understood, and supported. 

The husband offered up his tools for my upcoming trip, showed me how to use them, and helped me draw up plans for the bunk beds, problem solve installation of AC units, and curtains, etc.  Sharpened my filet knives on his electric sharpener, then drove to a woodworking shop to buy me a strop for the island knives.  Made me mommy food! 

Our friends feed us, Tupp. 

Notice how you feel away from the old hood, and people. 

Notice how being with caring phamily feels.

Sit in that space.  Absorb their loving energy. 
You're so worthy. 

Lighter



Twoapenny

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #848 on: July 25, 2018, 10:18:09 AM »
I       feel          amazing :)

I really do feel better - more human, less stressed, less anxious, less focused on how I appear to other people.  It's slowly melting away and I'm just really enjoying it.

I've been resting a lot, in between unpacking and rearranging furniture and trying to tackle the ridiculously overgrown garden.  And it just feels alright.  No hassle, no pressure, nothing to worry about.  Things are just going okay :)

Lighter, the van thing was a bit scary but yes, I've done it and it was fine.  Nothing was said about any damage and I would have heard by now if they'd found anything so I think it was all okay.  Considering everything we've had to do, and all on a pretty small budget, I think it's gone okay.  I loved what you wrote about the chap helping you out with all the tools and stuff, what a lovely man!  He sounds so nice.  You're right, it's so important to be around people who are good for us and make us feel nice.  A friend has been over this afternoon with her son; they bought cupcakes (home made and delicious) and we've been chatting about days out with the kids and meeting up for swims and so on.  There's a tidal pool at the nearest beach from us which I didn't know about; it's tucked away at the end of the promenade and is a bit safer for swimming as you aren't affected by the current so that will be a perfect afternoon for my son, and we can get there on the bus!  So we're going to do that next week but yes, it's lovely being around people who want to see us and so make the effort to make arrangements and get things organised.  Such a nice change :)

Skep, thank you, yes, a pretty standard move, however organised and well prepared you are it is just a lot of work and a lot to do!  But we're in, that's the main thing, and now we have time to organise stuff indoors and just get settled and comfortable.  All good :)

Thanks, Hops!  Yes I think you're right about getting a warm glow; I just feel safer and less under threat all the time.  It's eeking away slowly but it's nice to go to the supermarket and not be aware of who might be in there (in fact what I noticed yesterday was a lot of very attractive men getting groceries so I might need to smarten myself up a bit and make an effort!  Lol ).  People are/have been friendly and there seem to be more people around who are aware of disabilities.  My son wears ear defenders because his hearing's so sensitive he can't cope without them and several people have noticed and started chatting away about their son/niece/next door neighbour etc who is autistic and uses ear defenders.  I've had more chats in the last week than I normally would in a month and the lady in the local cafe (which we've been to a few times now) is so lovely and friendly it's a pleasure to go in there.  I'm letting myself take things slowly and not worrying too much about getting things done by a certain time.  I've got a long to do list but none of its urgent so I can park myself on the sofa when I feel like it and not worry about getting behind.  It feels really lovely and I keep finding myself letting out big sighs as everything starts to shift down a gear :) xx

lighter

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #849 on: July 25, 2018, 01:28:57 PM »
Tupp:

You mention feeling as though things are shifting down a gear.  I experienced as my shoulders coming down by notches.  Lowering.  Relaxing.  There's an adjustment period.  You're so wise to take it easy.  Resist any task master's voice, should sje pop up.  You're doing just swell, and in 100 years it won't matter that you lived fully in the moment or broke your back knocking out your to do list.

Choose living your life. 

Choose more joy, ((Tupp.)) 

Because you can.

::nodding::.

And maybe you should.

::nodding::.

Yup yup yup.

The more I think about it, the more it sounds like a moral imperative.

::nodding::.

Lighter


Hopalong

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #850 on: July 25, 2018, 08:38:56 PM »
Quote
I keep finding myself letting out big sighs as everything starts to shift down a gear

I loved reading this! Says it all. Yessssssssss!

And I especially loved the tales of running into all sorts of aware folks who are educated enough to understand what autism is and how many kids need the headsets. Oh how terrific.

I am sooooooooooooooo happy for you.

xxoo
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Twoapenny

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #851 on: July 29, 2018, 04:53:51 AM »
Thank you both, and prepare to be amazed :)  We've had a letter through from the local authority - funding for son's college place has been approved :)  There may still be battles over content (funding is in two parts - placement and content).  Son's content should include things like physiotherapy, occupational therapy, speech therapy as well as support from social services so that he can become more independent from me and start moving towards residential care at some point.  It's expensive, so it's normal for local authorities to try not to do it, which is where court comes in and you have to get a judge to order them to make provision.  So we may still well end up in court over content but at least the placement is sorted and he does his first transition day next week :)  Relieved is not the word; I'd been consciously not letting myself think about it because it's just another situation I can't do anything about at the moment so I'd put it to the back of my mind but it was lovely to get the letter through and know it's all sorted :)

In other news, I am enjoying being lazy and just putting my feet up and doing nothing.  I watched TV literally all day yesterday - obviously we had meals and we popped out to the shop in the evening but I spent almost the entire day on my bum.  I didn't feel bad about it and I was trying to work out why it felt okay to do it here but it never had before.  And I realised it was because of the gossip, and the risk of it getting back to my mum, who then might relay it to social services ("well, one of her friends visited and she was just sitting on the sofa, which she only does when she's going into one of her depressions, and son was just being ignored and not speaking to anyone and things are obviously getting really bad and she doesn't look after him at the best of times but you need to be careful because she's very good at covering it up and appearing to be normal").  That's the gist of what she's done in the past; she'll take something small and grow it into something huge and attach significance to it where there is none.  Very insidious and very nasty but she's got away with if for years.  And I realised that it just isn't a threat now, because my friends around here would just come sit on the sofa with me and they'd understand completely how tired I am and not think it is a bad thing - because they're normal, healthy people who get life!

I am finding anger welling up inside me.  I think it's just stuff I've had to push down so I'm not worrying about it - it's just there, it's coming up and then it's going again - no biggie.  Practically, it's lovely being close to town and close to friends, real friends.  We were going to have a day out on Friday but son was ill Thursday night so I was a bit worried about being out all day with him and being an hour or so from home.  So I called friend, we rescheduled for this coming Monday and went to the cinema instead.  We walked into town - quite a long walk for son but he managed it okay.  We took lunch with us and ate it before the film started, saw movie and then popped into a little cafe afterwards.  Then we had a bit of shopping to do and then we caught the bus home and discovered the bus drops us off two houses away from our house :)  Literally couldn't be any closer.  Where we lived before we'd have done a fifteen minute walk to the train station and then caught the train into town (thirty minute journey).  The cinema was close to the train station but not close to anything else so we wouldn't have been able to do shopping afterwards or go for something to eat.  Then we'd have had a thirty minute train ride home with a fifteen minute walk at the other end and there was only one train an hour, so if you come out of the cinema just after the train has left you have nearly an hour's wait for the next one.  Which just made going out more complicated and tiring, not to mention more expensive.  Friday everything was quick, simple and easy to do, and it's a nice town - busy but not packed, people are friendly and don't shove you out of the way to get past you or tut if you're walking too slowly.  It was just a nice day, and we've another nice day tomorrow :)

The other thing I noticed is that I haven't had any chest pains since we moved.  For five years now I've had chest pains most days, twice badly enough for docs to think I was having a heart attack.  My chest always felt tight and the pain was regular.  I know we've only been here a week, but a week without chest pain is the longest I've gone in a long time.  My neck and shoulders aren't as painful, either, and I'm not comfort eating like I was.  Quite big changes in a short space of time, I think.  I'm taking advantage of a quiet day today as next week will be busier and I might not get to sit down again until Thursday :)  Lol xx

lighter

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #852 on: July 29, 2018, 05:42:01 PM »
I'm glad I took the time to read your update, Tupp!

How wonderful!

Will respond later.

((((Tupp)))) feels better!  So glad!

Light

Hopalong

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #853 on: July 30, 2018, 09:10:47 AM »
I am completely blown away by:

The bus. Two houses away. That is massive. A cascade of good. Wowowowowow.

The funding letter. Oh joy. Yessssssssss!

The no chest pain. Big relieved happy sighs.

Because I am a clucky old hen I feel moved to mention: if/when a little lassitude, a spat of blues, or great big tiredness come through--plus emotions--don't fear. Just don't fear. Given the amount of stress you were under for SUCH a long time, it'd be realistic to look ahead a year, to when your adjusting is getting ordinary. You'll have another local move ahead (way easier) and all of that.

But while your friends, the real ones, are just treating you like a friend (one of them will do something disappointing sometime, being human, but you won't take it personally) -- we Amazons are perched on the back of the couch too, reminding you that you are wonderful Tupp, entitled to peace, worthy of a good life, interesting and valuable to know, and let's go to the cafe.

Huge happy hugs,
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

sKePTiKal

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #854 on: July 31, 2018, 08:25:14 AM »
I think it's time to reflect a bit on how much planning and preparation and thought you put into this move Tupps. You juggled your son's needs and your own and sought out the best environment for meeting those needs. You chose a place that will become a launching pad for both of you - into yet more life-enhancements. And while the truth is that life does have a habit of coming calling and creating yet more difficulties - you've distanced something that cast a pall of fear and anxiety for a long, long time. I firmly believe that physical distance IS therapeutic, in this aspect.

So now, it's rest and play time (which you wisely designed into the plan)... before beginning "launch preparations" and making those choices.

I love the feeling - the energy - of when a plan comes together. When the execution works out... and it's "all done" enough to sigh, relax, and just "be" in that new space.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.