Author Topic: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)  (Read 23119 times)

sKePTiKal

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #780 on: June 22, 2018, 03:11:05 PM »
WOW... such good news and excitement and anticipation of more GOOD STUFF...

You will be busy for a bit Tupps, but look back at how much you've already done and be GLAD that you got a head start. Phew! Just take time on your breaks to smile and enjoy this big present you're giving yourself, your son and little Tupp. Keep things as easy as possible - no fussing over "the exact precise way things should be", just make do and keep it fun - picnics on the floor? And keep to that comfort schedule that you and son need... so the routine is as normal as possible during the big change.
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lighter

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #781 on: June 23, 2018, 09:57:36 AM »
Wow, Hops.

You are a wordsmith.

::nodding::.

And you're amazing at it.

Lighter

Hopalong

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #782 on: June 23, 2018, 04:39:25 PM »
Thanks, Lighter.

blush,
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

lighter

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #783 on: June 24, 2018, 10:52:43 AM »
How's it going, Tupp?

I know you're busy, so don't post till things are calmer.

Just know,  I'm thinking of you.

Lighter

Twoapenny

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #784 on: June 24, 2018, 04:11:51 PM »
Hi gang, thank you for all messages, things have been a bit crazy!

I haven't felt too well over the weekend.  We went to a bbq on Friday and I think some of the meat may have been under cooked.  Not sure but I've felt quite unwell since but it's starting to ease off now.

I have got quite a lot done, none the less.  The admin side of moving is more or less done; there are some things I can't do until a bit nearer the time but most things are organised and I feel quite on top of it all.  I'm cleaning and packing as I go and that's not too big a task as I've done so much decluttering over the last few months.  I tidied the garden and other than cutting the grass that's pretty much sorted out now as well.  I've a bit of painting to do, just touching things up so it's all fresh when we leave (if the local authority need to do any work before they re-let I'll be charged for it so I want to make sure it all looks nice).  But none of it is a hideous amount of work; it's all manageable and I can keep on top of it.

Financially things are tight with a capital T - I can just manage it all but it is literally to the penny.  I'm stopping myself from going into the 'what ifs' - I'll deal with things if I need to.  We should be okay.  I just need to keep a careful eye on things and make sure nothing escapes me!

I've had quite a few people say they want to come and stay with us over the summer and I don't want them to!  Lol.  I've got a thing in my head of getting down there and having six weeks before college starts to settle in, get to know the local area, get son used to the buses, the local cinema, the local beach and so on.  I really want to treat the time as a sort of spa treatment for me - lots of healthy food, naps in the sunshine, hanging out with friends down there and walks on the beach.  I don't want to be mobbed by visitors so I shall just explain nearer the time that it's not happening.  All in all everything's fine :)

Hops, I can't tell you how nice it is to hear my son going through his list of positive things :)  When he didn't want to move he had a list of 'Options for Staying'; now he keeps telling people all the great things we're going to do and how he's doing positive thinking.  He's so cute.

sKePTiKal

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #785 on: June 25, 2018, 08:43:47 AM »
Yep; you really need that 6 weeks of settling in, Tupps. Lots of "new" to take in... lots of fun... and relaxation. Your and sons' needs comes before entertaining friends. And I'm not sure you'd have a place to put them, as small as your place is going to be - so that wouldn't work out so well.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

Twoapenny

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #786 on: June 25, 2018, 09:16:01 AM »
Yep; you really need that 6 weeks of settling in, Tupps. Lots of "new" to take in... lots of fun... and relaxation. Your and sons' needs comes before entertaining friends. And I'm not sure you'd have a place to put them, as small as your place is going to be - so that wouldn't work out so well.

Skep, I agree!  There's one friend I'd be happy to see as she's like me and needs her own space so she'd book somewhere locally and we'd just meet during the day which would be fine but everyone else will be given an excuse!  Lol.  I might just 'lose' my phone :)  But yes, really looking forward to six weeks to settle in and recover after all the moving madness and this situation that's been going on with the college stuff, it's been very stressful xx

Twoapenny

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #787 on: June 26, 2018, 09:36:57 AM »
I've been pondering as I pack about 'control' issues and the reason I started this thread.  I think my notion of control has changed over the last year or so.  I kind of had in my head that I should be like a zen master, finding joy in all around me, managing my emotions seamlessly, being able to let go and be accepting of whatever happened next.  What I've realised is that is just another version of 'perfect Tup' for me to never manage to live up to.  What I want to be now - and where I kind of think I am a lot of the time now - is Tup who does what she can, when she can, is sometimes reasonable, is sometimes not - and it's okay.

A friend bought me a glass for my birthday last year and it says on it: "Some days I amaze myself.  Other days I can't remember my own name".  I thought it was hilarious and she said at the time she thought of me as soon as she saw it.  I think it's a good motto for life.  I am, at heart, a decent person.  I mess up, I do things badly, I get snappy and irritable at people - but I never deliberately set out to harm or upset anyone else.  I take responsibility for myself and when things need doing I get on and do them.  I'm getting big surges of anger as I pack and organise transferring all this paperwork from our current college application to the new setting.  I find myself thinking I shouldn't be angry, I should feel calm and happy.  And this morning I thought, do you know what, you go ahead and be angry.  Having to move 200 miles to get your kid into a decent college is crappy, as is having to deal with a constant stream of people who don't do their jobs and having to constantly plough through paperwork to get support you're legally entitled to.  It is a crappy situation so me waving my fist at the air in the privacy of my own kitchen is perfectly okay - and for once I actually feel alright about getting annoyed about something and just letting myself be annoyed, and then getting on with the day.  Maybe the key to control isn't to control every emotion, but to just let it be there and not judge myself harshly for feeling it in the first place.

And I am feeling a little bemused at how well things seem to be going now that I've taken back control and I'm doing what I want to do.  Everything related to the move is going well.  People are replying to emails and messages, websites are taking my details and not crashing half way through, money is where it needs to be when it needs to be there.  It's just rolling along in the right direction, which doesn't usually happen for me.  I usually feel like I'm swimming through treacle, but at the minute I feel like the water's really calm and inviting and it's a nice, easy swim.

We're heading to the new place early Friday morning.  Son has his college interview first thing and then we head over to collect keys.  I've bought a stack of air fresheners to leave in each room so the place doesn't honk badly as it will be shut up for another two weeks before we move in properly.  We're going to take a car load of stuff with us - just things like Christmas decorations and winter clothes that are all packed up at the moment.  I just feel it's one load less to do on moving day and it feels a bit like we've started doing it then as well.  Like we're putting our mark on it.

So that's where we are today.  Feel pretty okay about things :) xx

lighter

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #788 on: June 26, 2018, 10:59:21 AM »
Tupp.

At the risk of looking and sounding all woo woo...

let those negative feelings wash over you with curiosity... sounds like you are.   

They belong, just as much as any other emotion you feel.

If judgement helped, then I'd say go ahead and judge.  IME it never helps.  It never makes anything better. It slows our roll.  Robs us of the positive we COULD be experiencing, and keeps us in negative space.  Stuck.  Unhappy. 

Try embracing it.  Have a dialogue with it.  Let it know it's righteous.  Let it know it has a voice within you, and will always be welcome.  Then, hopefully, it calms down, and rests, not tapping you on the shoulder all the time NEEEEDING to be heard, and dealt with, bc you've heard it.  You dealt with it.  It can rest. 

Also, for Pete's sake, feeling anger doesn't mean you're not a good person.  It simply means you're  human.  We don't have to be nice all the time.  We don't have to be kind all the time, either. 

Yesterday youngest dd15 and I said "fuck off", and we said it into the air like we mean it.  We were practicing, and it felt very bad, and very not right.  You know what? I'd like to get used to saying it, just a bit, in case I need it, just in case. 

Being silent, and polite isn't "good." 

Feeling I have to be silent and polite all the time is bad, IMO. 

I will likely select less colorful language, should I need to employ "fuck off," but I'll tell you this about that.....

I don't want to feel BAD about myself.  If I say something negative, or if I say nothing, or something positive. I want to feel I have a choice.

  I want to feel I'm entitled to speak frankly, and with conviction to protect, advocate, and fend for myself, should that need arise again.  If I can get comfortable saying FUCK OFF, then I can get comfortable saying, "I'm not happy with that quote, and I'm not signing that contract."  Or.... "You need to leave, NOW."  Or.... "You set me up with a mentally ill person, and you knew it when you did it.  Please stop laughing, bc it's not funny.  If you can't admit what you did, and explain it, then we won't remain friends."

You and I have had to be so very careful about the words we choose.  So much judgement.  So much fear in and OF the system.  So much riding on our every syllable for so long.... for years. 

I think it's frozen parts of us we need, and so....
FUCK OFF is my blow torch.  Once I shake off the ice, I think not being nice all the time will feel normal, to some degree, then just like all the other parts?

Not sure, but I'm hopeful.

I'm glad to read things are moving along for you.  I think you've shifted your energy.  I think you're still going to have ups and downs, but at a higher level, and now you've started a trend.

::NOD::

(((Tupp and son)))

Lighter







Hopalong

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #789 on: June 26, 2018, 12:19:24 PM »
REALLY excited for you, (((((Tupp))))!

Quick as I've got to head out shortly, but a short thought on the anger.
I think it's great to let it exist and move through you. Way better than getting stuck in it.

Also great to be sure that once you've expressed it (at your houseplants) and have gotten re-centered ...  THEN you interact with the bureaucrats. Because you're about to make friends with a whole bunch of new bureaucrats! (Sorry.)

I know that if you identify that feeling what you feel and letting it move through you and out is a GOOD (expressing it safely on your own, on here, or in your new location in a trusted 3-D setting that works for you)....you will be fine with your feelings, whatever they are. Including the inevitable jolts of anger and frustration. They'll move through you, not derail you.

I am so ridiculously impressed with how you continually grow, throughout every step of your journey. I think your middle name should be Insight.

Big hugs,
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Twoapenny

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #790 on: June 27, 2018, 02:49:29 AM »
Tupp.

At the risk of looking and sounding all woo woo...

let those negative feelings wash over you with curiosity... sounds like you are.   

They belong, just as much as any other emotion you feel.

If judgement helped, then I'd say go ahead and judge.  IME it never helps.  It never makes anything better. It slows our roll.  Robs us of the positive we COULD be experiencing, and keeps us in negative space.  Stuck.  Unhappy. 

Try embracing it.  Have a dialogue with it.  Let it know it's righteous.  Let it know it has a voice within you, and will always be welcome.  Then, hopefully, it calms down, and rests, not tapping you on the shoulder all the time NEEEEDING to be heard, and dealt with, bc you've heard it.  You dealt with it.  It can rest. 

Also, for Pete's sake, feeling anger doesn't mean you're not a good person.  It simply means you're  human.  We don't have to be nice all the time.  We don't have to be kind all the time, either. 

Yesterday youngest dd15 and I said "fuck off", and we said it into the air like we mean it.  We were practicing, and it felt very bad, and very not right.  You know what? I'd like to get used to saying it, just a bit, in case I need it, just in case. 

Being silent, and polite isn't "good." 

Feeling I have to be silent and polite all the time is bad, IMO. 

I will likely select less colorful language, should I need to employ "fuck off," but I'll tell you this about that.....

I don't want to feel BAD about myself.  If I say something negative, or if I say nothing, or something positive. I want to feel I have a choice.

  I want to feel I'm entitled to speak frankly, and with conviction to protect, advocate, and fend for myself, should that need arise again.  If I can get comfortable saying FUCK OFF, then I can get comfortable saying, "I'm not happy with that quote, and I'm not signing that contract."  Or.... "You need to leave, NOW."  Or.... "You set me up with a mentally ill person, and you knew it when you did it.  Please stop laughing, bc it's not funny.  If you can't admit what you did, and explain it, then we won't remain friends."

You and I have had to be so very careful about the words we choose.  So much judgement.  So much fear in and OF the system.  So much riding on our every syllable for so long.... for years. 

I think it's frozen parts of us we need, and so....
FUCK OFF is my blow torch.  Once I shake off the ice, I think not being nice all the time will feel normal, to some degree, then just like all the other parts?

Not sure, but I'm hopeful.

I'm glad to read things are moving along for you.  I think you've shifted your energy.  I think you're still going to have ups and downs, but at a higher level, and now you've started a trend.

::NOD::

(((Tupp and son)))

Lighter

Yes, I am in agreement with all of that, Lighter! :)  I did realise yesterday that I'm still giving myself a hard time for not being perfect - quietly criticising myself, it's not even something I'm aware of a lot of the time.  But it ticks away in the background and I am so tired of it.  Yesterday was a funny day.  I didn't feel great.  I did some yoga and mediation and sometimes I think that releases things that don't feel good.  I felt very lonely yesterday, and very disconnected from people.  Didn't sleep too well either, but then got up this morning feeling better and much less over whelmed - the to do list felt very long yesterday, today it seems a lot more manageable again.

I think this move is going to be a great move for us.  Sometimes I doubt myself - my fears over what my mum could do rise again, especially as I'm sifting through paperwork and figuring out what I need to keep to hand and what I don't need to worry about.  So I have to keep talking myself back down out of it.  I think I'll feel more settled after Friday - having the keys in my hand and moving some of our stuff in will feel good.  There are some admin type jobs that I can't get done until we have the tenancy agreement so getting that will mean a load of jobs get knocked off the list on Monday - also good.  I really want to get down there and get on with a nice, long six week holiday before the new term starts.  I want to sit on the beach and look up at the moon while the waves crash around me.

Son is excited.  We're taking the Christmas decorations down on Friday - I figured we'll just fill the car with things we definitely won't need for the next month :)  He's written his Christmas list in case Santa needs it early to accommodate the house move :)  Lol.  I think it will be good - just wobbling from time to time but it's okay.  Did you have Weebles in the States?  Little kind of egg people - they wobble but they don't fall down.  I think that's me xx

Twoapenny

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #791 on: June 27, 2018, 02:59:42 AM »
REALLY excited for you, (((((Tupp))))!

Quick as I've got to head out shortly, but a short thought on the anger.
I think it's great to let it exist and move through you. Way better than getting stuck in it.

Also great to be sure that once you've expressed it (at your houseplants) and have gotten re-centered ...  THEN you interact with the bureaucrats. Because you're about to make friends with a whole bunch of new bureaucrats! (Sorry.)

I know that if you identify that feeling what you feel and letting it move through you and out is a GOOD (expressing it safely on your own, on here, or in your new location in a trusted 3-D setting that works for you)....you will be fine with your feelings, whatever they are. Including the inevitable jolts of anger and frustration. They'll move through you, not derail you.

I am so ridiculously impressed with how you continually grow, throughout every step of your journey. I think your middle name should be Insight.

Big hugs,
Hops

Thanks, Hops :)  I think that's what I realised yesterday - it's okay to be angry.  I do always feel like I'm being watched.  Have done ever since I was a little kid.  I can hear that constant analysis of what I'm doing and how I'm coping with things.  It was a Stepford wife childhood - always smile, never show emotion, everything's okay, you're always happy.  I think that's why I find it difficult now.  But - I'm a 44 year old woman, not a fourteen year old girl and this is my house, my life, my feelings and I've got every right to express them.  That's what I need to keep running through my head.

I was thinking about my mum yesterday and I have to say the thought of her ending her days alone, ill, frail, in a nursing home, sat indoors by herself, however she ends up, weighs very heavily on my heart.  I hate to think of anyone living like that.  And then I realised that even if I were in a situation where I could help her out or be around her, she would probably do what she's done so often before and accuse me of abusing her, stealing her money, tell everyone I say nasty things to her and so on.  And then I felt angry at her for being so bloody stupid and not sorting herself out so that her kids could feel safe around her and for not thinking ahead and moving to a smaller home in a better area (they're quite cut off where they live at the moment - if they get to the point where neither of them can drive they're going to have a big problem).  And angry at her for spending the huge sums of money that have flowed her way over the years and not putting any of it away to pay for care (the pots are empty, according to my sister).  And I just felt angry at her for getting through seventy years of life and not once wondering if there was anything she could do for herself to change her situation.  She's sleep walked the whole way through it.  I was talking to a friend's dad last weekend and he's so lovely.  He's had a lovely life, he's very appreciative for what he has, he's taken sensible steps to prepare for his old age because he doesn't want his kids to have to look after him.  He looks after his health, does what he can to keep himself well.  He chatted away to my son and afterwards complimented me on what a lovely boy I had and how good his vocabulary was.  It was just such a contrast to how I would have felt if I'd spent an evening with my mum lol.

Anyway, I'm rambling on.  Here's to accepting anger and letting go :) xx

lighter

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #792 on: June 28, 2018, 09:08:17 AM »
Ah, ((Tupp)) you deserved so much better than your FOO had to give.

They've proven themselves incapable of doing better.  They're toxic.  The family you deserved is gone, dead, they never existed.   

Ever. 

They're broken, and wouldn't it be nice if your heart knew that without reservation, hesitation, or sorrow.  Just.... knew it in every cell of your being.

I don't know if any heart overcomes that completely, but I'm hopeful for you.  You don't deserve to lose one more minute to that heartache.

You're such a nice, caring, giving person who deserves phamily to cherish, and be cherished by.

I know you're going to have that.  I know you're going back to a community and place where your mum can't touch you... not really... and you'll have support if she tries. 

You won't be alone anymore.  Seek out the company you want to keep.  Practice healthy boundaries, and start this new life fresh, and breathing like a normal human being. 

You don't have to worry all the time. 

You don't have to fret, or fend people off.

Not any more. 

This is your new beginning, and you're enough.  You're more than enough, honestly.

As you've been giving thought to the kind of interactions you'd like more of, maybe consider writing down exactly what socializing your way looks like, so you have more clarity.  You could explain to the closest of friends, proactively. 

You could expect to have more of what you ask for, IMO.

They don't know if you don't tell them.  Just a thought, and not something you have to consider if it brings up stress.

You and your lovely boy might feel like you've stepped out of a dark closet, into the light, after this move.  You so deserve to dance in the light.  He deserves to see you with fewer cares.  It's just time.

Lighter

sKePTiKal

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #793 on: June 29, 2018, 08:55:31 AM »
ROTFLMAO... at this Lighter:

Quote
Yesterday youngest dd15 and I said "fuck off", and we said it into the air like we mean it.  We were practicing, and it felt very bad, and very not right.  You know what? I'd like to get used to saying it, just a bit, in case I need it, just in case. 

This is the secret to how Holly and I can be so close... and not transgress boundaries. (It does happen; there are hurt feelings from time to time - usually when one of us is in a really stressful spot and the other is trying to help. We know this place well, too.) Been doing this since she was about 14 or maybe a year or two younger. I guess it kinda grew out of how I taught her to manage her toddler tantrums.

Other people are so totally freaked out by us, if they witness such a moment. But it is ALWAYS just a moment... and it's out of our system completely... and we go on like it never happened. We will even play-act it for new people, to break the ice with them... and realize that I'm not a typical "mom" like maybe they had. Sometimes our giggles give us away.... though.

IMO, the more things we allow between each other - the more true intimacy we have. We also have a gate to that - the "I don't need the gory details" gate too. And it ALL gets verbally processed... with separate, individual reflections and emotional "checking in with ourselves" to maintain it. The more we both accept each other's emotions into that shared space... the more trust there is. The more we really SEE each other.

It's the most real thing I have to pass on to her.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

Twoapenny

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #794 on: June 30, 2018, 10:53:25 AM »
Hi gang :)

Just a little update :)  We left 4.30am Friday morning to avoid traffic.  We've been hiring a car each time we go down there as I don't have a vehicle any more and each time we get one it's less fancy than the last.  This one was very basic - I think next time they might give us a go kart :)  Lol.

The journey down was fine; son was amazing, as always.  There was the most incredible full moon that we could see for about half of the time we were driving - very low in the sky and the sun was coming up on the other side so it just looked incredible.  I took it as a good omen :)

Son's interview went very well; he just charms the pants off everyone he sees.  His latest thing is telling people about the two amazing things that are going to happen in his life after we move.  The first is that he's going to save the money he wins from the penny slots to go to DisneyLand.  The second is that we can get the bus to the cinema so we will never miss a film :)  Lol.

I fall in love with the college a little bit more every time we go.  I can't work out how they do things differently to other places, but it doesn't have the institutionalised feel that a lot of disabled/special needs places seem to have.  The staff are so relaxed; the car park is full of cars with surf boards tied to the roof and everyone is wandering around in shorts and flip flops.  The chap took us over to see the pygmy goats after the interview and around the animal rescue centre again - so cute and no cats in at the minute because they've all been re-homed!  They run activity days and transition sessions over the summer so son can get used to the college before he starts properly (and I will get a break!).  They do a college production each year; all the learning disabled students are welcome to join in and they find something for everyone to do.  I would love to do stuff like that so I'm going to ask if I can help out.  There's a theatre in the town and I'm going to see if I can volunteer there as well.  I loved the theatre when I was younger but I didn't pursue anything to do with it because it wasn't a proper job.  Time for that to change.

Anyway, interview went well and then we went to new house.  Letting agent is a nice guy but the house is even worse than I remembered.  Smaller than I remembered (even with my massive decluttering project it will be a struggle to fit everything in - son's Lego collection is going to be spread throughout the house, I think).  They have put new carpets in two rooms but it still smells awful - stale grease and nicotine, I think.  The carpet in the small bedroom and stairs is horrendous; so dirty it's sticky and lots of stains.  No idea why they didn't replace all of it.  The letting agent said the owners won't spend money on it because all the tenants are on low incomes and they don't look after it, so the owners don't bother, either.  He said he's hoping that once they see we look after the place they might be encouraged to do it up a bit.  The backs of the doors upstairs have holes in them where someone punched them!  So we are going to go down for a cleaning day before we move in.  I've left air fresheners in all the rooms which I think will help a bit.  I'm going to wash all the walls and paintwork with some nice lemon scented cleaner and shampoo the horrible carpet.  The windows need a good clean and the garden needs cutting back but it's quite small so it won't take long to do that.  I'm going to ask a friend to have my son for the day and another friend to come and help out, if they're free.  So I think I can at least get rid of the grime and the horrible smell before we move in properly.  I've pretty much worked out where the furniture will go and I took the curtains down with me yesterday and will get those up once it's clean (they're in vacuum storage bags so I'm hoping the smell won't permeate!

From there we took our paperwork to the council offices to sort out the rent payments and then we were going to check out a cattery but the lady had forgotten the appointment.  She was quite rude about it so I've looked at another place and I think we'll use that one instead.  Then we headed home - a lot of traffic and a long drive but we made it and we haven't got a 'big' thing to do now until we go down for the cleaning day in a fortnight so I can get on with things at home.

I have noticed a couple of things over the last few days.  I've stopped making contingency plans.  Usually I have to have a plan a, b, c, d, e, f and g and then I still worry that something else might happen.  It does stop me from doing things sometimes, because I just feel too unsafe.  But I noticed I haven't been doing it just lately.  I've done what I can and I am being organised and sensible about things, but I haven't made a plan in case x, y or z happens.  I'll cope with whatever comes up and I actually feel like I can at the moment.

I've also noticed I'm not justifying everything I do in my head so much.  Usually I find myself running through reasons that I've made certain decisions or done certain things.  I think it's the criticism thing; I need to have a defence ready in case someone moans about something but I just haven't been doing it so much.  The flip side of that is that I'm also not taking so much responsibility for what other people do.  The cattery lady is one example; she was quite rude about the situation and blamed me for not phoning to confirm.  Ordinarily I'd have given myself a hard time about that but I thought no, there was no need for me to ring because we confirmed by email.  She forgot, which is fine, but she blamed me for her mistake instead of saying sorry and offering to reschedule.  I would normally feel bad about cancelling the booking and going elsewhere but I don't (and it turns out I've found somewhere closer to the new place so it will be easier on the day as well).  All in all things are good and other than being a bit tired I feel great :) xx