Author Topic: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)  (Read 15833 times)

Hopalong

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #360 on: January 01, 2018, 04:51:30 PM »
You should feel very chuffed, Tupp!
I am blown away by the amount you've squirreled away for him given your very tight constraints.
You have used love as the fuel for frugality and efficiency and look what that does. Bravo, Mum, bravo.

You've done such a wonderful job and hands down, you've been an amazing mum.

Friends of mine, dear ones, adopted a little boy with similar issues and the thing I recall about him most was what a happy, confident young man he became. Knowing so solidly he was loved, he'd become someone very similar to how you describe your son. I know the cell-level love he got from them and it's clear you've given your boy the same. It's beyond any price.

It's taken me a year of my new job --minor a major plumbing, tree take down, and auto repair--to acquire a similar amount in my savings. I know what the effort was for me and I didn't have a child at home. Wow.

Any chance you could search out second-hand or repurposed flooring and furnishings? I've done so well with the Habitat for Humanity store here. Gorgeous new big window for my back room for $75. Furniture I've never wanted brand-new...who needs the formaldehyde. Likewise, computers...there are so many perfectly good reconditioned or used ones available.

I feel an urge to help you protect and continue building that little nest egg. Hope you can!

Your lonely tears this week have made sense but it sounds as though in a way you've honored them. By letting them flow while still taking the steps to lovingly tidy your home. That's the act of someone who knows that "this too shall pass."

I share your hopes for your new year, as we cannot rule out the possibility of good things ALSO happening! Difficult things are part of living but I know I'm starting to see that I can be more open to the good. May unexpected good flood you this year....

love,
Hops
« Last Edit: January 01, 2018, 05:03:39 PM by Hopalong »
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Twoapenny

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #361 on: January 02, 2018, 01:45:24 AM »
You should feel very chuffed, Tupp!
I am blown away by the amount you've squirreled away for him given your very tight constraints.
You have used love as the fuel for frugality and efficiency and look what that does. Bravo, Mum, bravo.

You've done such a wonderful job and hands down, you've been an amazing mum.

Friends of mine, dear ones, adopted a little boy with similar issues and the thing I recall about him most was what a happy, confident young man he became. Knowing so solidly he was loved, he'd become someone very similar to how you describe your son. I know the cell-level love he got from them and it's clear you've given your boy the same. It's beyond any price.

It's taken me a year of my new job --minor a major plumbing, tree take down, and auto repair--to acquire a similar amount in my savings. I know what the effort was for me and I didn't have a child at home. Wow.

Any chance you could search out second-hand or repurposed flooring and furnishings? I've done so well with the Habitat for Humanity store here. Gorgeous new big window for my back room for $75. Furniture I've never wanted brand-new...who needs the formaldehyde. Likewise, computers...there are so many perfectly good reconditioned or used ones available.

I feel an urge to help you protect and continue building that little nest egg. Hope you can!

Your lonely tears this week have made sense but it sounds as though in a way you've honored them. By letting them flow while still taking the steps to lovingly tidy your home. That's the act of someone who knows that "this too shall pass."

I share your hopes for your new year, as we cannot rule out the possibility of good things ALSO happening! Difficult things are part of living but I know I'm starting to see that I can be more open to the good. May unexpected good flood you this year....

love,
Hops

Thanks, Hops :)  I did feel better when I woke up this morning - we had a SuperMoon here last night (do you get the same moon cycles we do?  I know that's a really dumb question but I was thinking about it last night and realised I didn't know :) ).  But yep, I am chuffed with how much I've been able to put away and how many things for the future I've sent up - not the useless bag of shite my mother would have everyone believe I am :) I can hunt for bargains for the laptop and desk for him (which is pretty much all he needs) - the flooring's not too expensive anyway and we don't need a huge amount as his room isn't enormous.  They do Lego floor vinyl, can you believe that?  Lol, it looks amazing (it's pictures of Lego on floor vinyl, not actual Lego, my sister was worried I'd hurt my feet if I went into his room without shoes on :) ) so I want to get him that as he's Lego mad.  It's not terribly expensive and we can take it with us if we move.  I will continue to build the nest; if he gets much more put by it will affect his benefits so I need to spend a bit of it (without wasting it).  I need to look into whether I can pay more into his pension without it causing problems when he changes from child to adult benefits.  It was a good thing to sit and take stock of.  I will keep the news to myself in other circles, though, I have learnt in the past that other people are not always pleased when something goes well so I shall smile quietly to myself.  Lol xx

Twoapenny

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #362 on: January 02, 2018, 01:51:20 AM »
Just saw the newspaper headlines that the SuperMoon was seen around the world so you can ignore that question ;) xx

lighter

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #363 on: January 02, 2018, 09:25:40 AM »
Your sister worried you'd hurt your feet on the Legos mat. 🤔
That's too cute.
😋

I'm sorry your mother's sabotage and false accusations come up for you.

She's still slandering and reaching out, so it's going to happen.  That you keep forging ahead, making plans, managing your lives and resources so well is an amazing testament to your strength, resilience, and abilities.

Good luck choosing a desk and computer for your son.  It's an exciting milestone.

You're a good parent, Tupp.  Your son is lucky you're there for him.

Lighter


« Last Edit: January 02, 2018, 10:11:53 AM by lighter »

Hopalong

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #364 on: January 02, 2018, 09:36:17 AM »
Ahh I get it. If son has too many assets he'd be disqualified from receiving benefits.
That is truly too risky for your situation.

For the same reason, not having any idea how ill my D may be at the time I die or whether treatment has stablized her, I put my assets into what is called an Asset Protection Trust. It's structured as a Special Needs Trust (as parents often do for disabled children). Its purpose is to prevent a house or any cash from being counted against her in an application for some kinds of benefits (only ones I know she's received are food stamps, but anything could be happening with her and I wouldn't know it).

Basically, the government can't take from her (either directly or using it as a penalty) what I'll leave her, because officially it belongs to the trust, not to an individual.

Jeez, your boy is lucky to have such a savvy, strategic thinking mum. I think you're wise to keep it to yourself, as envy is the ugliest and you don't need to share the info anyway, it's private.

I missed the supermoon but am asking myself, how have I lived so long without knowing about Lego linoleum?  :D  (I know it's actually vinyl but I liked the alliteration.) So COOL. Will it be a surprise for him?

hugs
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

sKePTiKal

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #365 on: January 02, 2018, 10:01:16 AM »
LEGOS....

Tupps, does son also like the micro blocks? Logan, the little grandson is 10 now. He's moving on from legos and already has quite a few. Mike, as he characteristicly did, bought kazillions of legos - partly for Logan, but mostly for himself. My "big kid".

I would be happy to send you most of the collection.  :D    :o

If, of course, you have the space for them and think he would enjoy them. I'll keep some here for Logan, but like most young families, those kids are so active & busy... they don't have much free time too just come hang out at Mawmaw's.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

Twoapenny

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #366 on: January 02, 2018, 01:19:55 PM »
Your sister worried you'd hurt your feet on the Legos mat. 🤔
That's too cute.
😋

I'm sorry your mother's sabotage and false accusations come up for you.

She's still slandering and reaching out, so it's going to happen.  That you keep forging ahead, making plans, managing your lives and resources so well is an amazing testament to your strength, resilience, and abilities.

Good luck choosing a desk and computer for your son.  It's an exciting milestone.

You're a good parent, Tupp.  Your son is lucky you're there for him.

Lighter

Lighter, I know, I did laugh, I think she had visions of me on my hands and knees building a floor out of Lego bricks :)  I think son would like that idea, mind you!

Thank you for your kind words.  I do feel like a good parent, I must say.  When he was younger my self esteem was so low I honestly thought he'd be better off being adopted.  I really didn't feel I was good enough for him.  I'm glad that's changed :)

Yes, my mum's an idiot; I do try to keep focused on what I'm doing and consign her to the bin.  Silly, irresponsible woman that she is.

Twoapenny

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #367 on: January 02, 2018, 01:28:27 PM »
Ahh I get it. If son has too many assets he'd be disqualified from receiving benefits.
That is truly too risky for your situation.

For the same reason, not having any idea how ill my D may be at the time I die or whether treatment has stablized her, I put my assets into what is called an Asset Protection Trust. It's structured as a Special Needs Trust (as parents often do for disabled children). Its purpose is to prevent a house or any cash from being counted against her in an application for some kinds of benefits (only ones I know she's received are food stamps, but anything could be happening with her and I wouldn't know it).

Basically, the government can't take from her (either directly or using it as a penalty) what I'll leave her, because officially it belongs to the trust, not to an individual.

Jeez, your boy is lucky to have such a savvy, strategic thinking mum. I think you're wise to keep it to yourself, as envy is the ugliest and you don't need to share the info anyway, it's private.

I missed the supermoon but am asking myself, how have I lived so long without knowing about Lego linoleum?  :D  (I know it's actually vinyl but I liked the alliteration.) So COOL. Will it be a surprise for him?

hugs
Hops

Lol, I think Lego lino is a relatively new addition to the Lego range; I hadn't seen it before this (last) year and I generally am made aware of all things Lego related very quickly!  It will be a surprise for him; I am slowly working to clear out his current room and re-organise things.  I've painted the room that will be his and hopefully will get the curtain poles up this week.  When the flooring is being laid my cunning plan is to distract him with a new computer game (he will shut himself away in my room with the computer and will need to be hauled out) so I'm hoping once the flooring is down I can get all the furniture moved in, new desk assembled (with lamp and laptop on it) and curtains up so we can have a 'Ta Da' moment :)  He'll be chuffed when he sees it :)

Yes the trust you've set up for your D is the same principle as the one I have for J; I've nominated people (trusted friends) to request items or monies on his behalf and included clear lists of acceptable expenditure and a long list of relatives who are not allowed anywhere near the process.  Each request goes before a panel and has to be agreed in writing.  It's done via a well established charity who have a good reputation (and thanks to social media bad experiences are quickly broadcast and I've not found a negative report on them yet).  It's not counted as income (similar to your D's) so won't affect any claims he makes.  I can't pay into it now, though, it's only activated when I die which is why I don't want his nest egg to get too much bigger now.   I think paying a bit more into his pension is probably the best idea, I just want to double check and make sure I'm not breaching any terms (it's all so complicated and it's easy to miss something so I like to be sure).  I won't go mad though, I do like the feeling of security of knowing there's a bit in there 'just in case' :)

Twoapenny

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #368 on: January 02, 2018, 01:30:45 PM »
LEGOS....

Tupps, does son also like the micro blocks? Logan, the little grandson is 10 now. He's moving on from legos and already has quite a few. Mike, as he characteristicly did, bought kazillions of legos - partly for Logan, but mostly for himself. My "big kid".

I would be happy to send you most of the collection.  :D    :o

If, of course, you have the space for them and think he would enjoy them. I'll keep some here for Logan, but like most young families, those kids are so active & busy... they don't have much free time too just come hang out at Mawmaw's.

Oh Skep, that is so kind of you, but he is only a Lego fan.  It's the autism, one interest only, to the point of obsession, and nothing else, lol.  It was Thomas the Tank Engine for years and then we did have a bit of a period where he liked Thomas and Lego, although Thomas was still the firm favourite.  Gradually the Lego took over and he probably has enough now to build a house :)  It's a lovely offer, though, thank you so much (and yes, you're right, they do just grow so fast and before you know it they don't want to play anymore :( ) xx

Twoapenny

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #369 on: January 02, 2018, 01:40:30 PM »
We went to visit a friend today, quite a long train ride in both directions, and it occurred to me that rail travel is a very good way for us both to relax.  There's literally nothing to do but read or look out of the window.  Nice and warm, comfy, my son listens to his music and reads, we can take food with us or buy on the way depending on where we are going, I think this might be a good thing to look into doing regularly as a way of taking a break?  A good couple of hours to rest followed by maybe a show or a film or a decent gig, a hotel for the night - cheap but comfy - and a nice big breakfast before heading back the next day.  Our neighbour will feed the cat for us and as it would only be one night I wouldn't feel bad about leaving her at home.  I think this could be a good way to build in some r and r time! xx

Hopalong

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #370 on: January 02, 2018, 02:52:02 PM »
I loooooove trains. Rolling wombs. (The nonbiological kind.) Great idea to use a train trip as R&R!
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Twoapenny

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #371 on: January 03, 2018, 05:32:47 AM »
I loooooove trains. Rolling wombs. (The nonbiological kind.) Great idea to use a train trip as R&R!

Lol, never thought of it as a rolling womb before and now can't get the idea out of my head!  Perhaps I need to invest in an adult sized babygro whilst on board :)  Probably a bit too weird :)

My little plan to focus on my flat and the paperwork first each day is paying off dividends!  I was up very early this morning because it's so windy - and got up to a clean, tidy flat that was comfortable and warm, and enjoyed a cuppa and a bowl of porridge.  I settled down to do some paperwork; got a load of emails out of the way, made some phone calls, checked some information I needed to clarify and sent off two unpleasant but necessary bits in relation to son's healthcare.  Those things have been on my mind for weeks; took me ten minutes to sort and that horrible feeling of dread that I carry with me has lifted.  I do think I'm experiencing some sort of PTSD type symptoms when I have to deal with anything to do with my son and 'other people' (I know I've mentioned this before) so I got very anxious and jittery beforehand.  I can feel that adrenaline rush subsiding now but because I've got the boring but necessary stuff out of the way I can have a drink and something to eat and everything else on my to do list today is enjoyable (or at least not horrible!).  How funny that recognising what stressed me and getting it done works so much better for me than endlessly managing my stress.  Seems so obvious now it's happened :)

Anyway, I'm off to enjoy some tea and toast :) xx

Twoapenny

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #372 on: January 05, 2018, 04:30:25 AM »
Very stressed last night because of an email regarding a complaint I've put in.  The smallest thing now with these people sets me off.  I'm going to book an appointment with the doctor asking if she can write me a letter explaining that dealing with the public sector is exacerbating my stress related health problems.  At least I'll be able to send that off to people every time I say no to a meeting.

The paperwork is going well, as is the work on the flat.  I'm getting a little bit more done each day.  One thing I realised this morning is that paperwork tasks are often less arduous than I think they're going to be.  I think perhaps I should put off checking messages, emails, post until I have an hour when I can sit down and deal with it - either by replying immediately to something quickly or by reading through something and writing a list of what I'll need to do to get something done.  That way it won't be floating in my head for days as 'something' I'll have to deal with (which often turns out to be less work that I thought it would be).

Twoapenny

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #373 on: January 06, 2018, 07:26:43 AM »
In the midst of my pre period mood drop (which is severe but I'm trying now to just accept it's hormones and work through it) so decided to use the post as a 'good things to notice' space.

Woke up in a clean, warm bed and a clean, warm flat.
Hot and cold water on tap, nice soak in the bath, plenty of food in fridge, cupboards and freezer.  Choices of what to drink.
Plenty of clean clothes.  It's stopped raining :)
Unexpected email from an old friend, couple of text messages from people.
Walked into village, dropped off bag to charity shop (about twenty bags to take down, aiming for one a day).
Collected son's meds, pharmacy staff always nice and friendly.
Noticed son has learnt where to cross road safely without me having to tell him and when people were coming towards us on a narrow footpath he automatically stood to the side to let them get past him.
Picked up some bits to take to the cinema this evening (picnic tea and chocolate).
Lunch is cooking at the moment.  Enjoying some dark chocolate that a friend gave me for Christmas.
Laundry done.
Time this afternoon to get a few bits done around the flat and probably a bit more paperwork before we go out to cinema.  Son is looking forward to cinema trip (I will probably nap :) ).

Twoapenny

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #374 on: January 07, 2018, 08:31:51 AM »
I mentioned a while ago a 'friend' who got in touch at Christmas after many years of very little contact between us and I messaged her back and told her, politely, not to get in touch (she wanted to phone).  I didn't get a reply (which I was glad of because I don't like it when people try to keep in touch after you tell them you don't want to lol).  She just messaged me on Facebook saying she felt I pushed her away (she stopped returning my calls; a few years ago I wrote to her and told her I'd missed her and so on, she rang and left a message, I called back and left a message, I never heard from her again, etc etc), she feels I've pushed others away (others - as far as I know she doesn't know anyone else I know) and that I don't have to 'go it alone'.  I'm angry.  I feel she's created the situation (which devastated me, to be honest) and now she's blaming me for it.  I've messaged back and told her - not politely this time - what I think.