Author Topic: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)  (Read 4779 times)

Hopalong

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 10550
Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #15 on: June 25, 2017, 03:34:13 PM »
Flattered by the question, Amber. But I wrote/edited my guts out at a pretty high level for others throughout my career and I've pretty much "taken my writing back" these days. (Or won't edit another's book unless I charge them a Very Mature Editor rate. The kind you need to be sitting down for. Still interested, give a holler!)

I felt the import for Tupp's life of what she's been crafting, glad I could wordsmith that a little though!

Hugs
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Garbanzo

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2162
Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #16 on: June 27, 2017, 12:23:21 AM »
Wanted you to know that I read your post. Often I don't have much to say or advice as it's not my strong point.

Only things I can think of are random thoughts. When I was a student there are due dates constantly for progress so I could see how parents also have to do-lists as it's a way teachers keep kids in progress and parents follow along with it. If you are home schooling you would have to-dos.

Currently my job doesn't require me to have due dates. Everything is more or less ASAP and immediately.

For my personal life I make little monthly or weekly do do lists on my laptop but I rarely re-visit them. If I look back on them they either remind me that I have been avoiding some important things OR I made notes of a lot of minutia that don't really matter that much. The important things that I avoid have webs and constellations of REAL anxiety connected to them.> AKA "If I don't do this right I am going to create terrible consequences so it may be better if I don't do it right now"

Sometimes planning out minutia is still helpful in making a day go smoother

Perhaps you can still have to do lists but just be a little more relaxed with them.

This post you made sounded more like it wasn't about your to do list but was more about your "I must do this myself list".

Maybe you could make a "I don't really have to do this myself list". You could make it for the heck of it. I think you have already considered that though. Probably the fear is everything is going to unravel if you don't do it yourself.

I guess we can go through our worst case scenarios. Now that I think about this it's really dumb that I have been avoiding making a certain doc appointment as the consequence can only get worse the more I avoid it.

I don't know.

In the end I think you probably just have an exhausting situation. Lots of serious planning for serious things.

I like to force myself to go to art museums. I have to plan like a week ahead to tell myself I must do it. So by planning a simple thing in advance I give myself a lot of mental prep, I don't stay up late the night before etc because I know I am going to get up early and go. It seems stupid to do it, frivolous. If I haven't been doing it for a while I even think I don't enjoy it anymore. That isn't true though, it's like I just forget what it feels like to enjoy it, or I get out of the habit. But honestly sometimes other things in life do take priority. 

Sometimes we just need to show up somewhere and spend a couple of hours doing "nothing" at a destination we jive with.

Even if no big results come out of it, it improves our quality of life. Even if we are not studying to become famous concert pianists or olympic competitors or whatever high falutin achievements and goals and rewards are out there. I often think I am too old to become anything significant, that things really don't matter anymore at my age, my opportunities have past. Me and two other coworkers were talking about this the other day. I'm not sure if this is relevant to you at all. Who knows. Sometimes I think there is like a whole grief about "What may have been", "Who I may have become", "What would I be doing now if life had gone more auspiciously" or whatever. I used to want art to be a part of my life in a more serious way. I have to kind of accept that I'm not going to be an artist of any significance (honestly there was some major youthful ego in that). To enjoy it I have to let go of stipulations and requirements and memories.

We all struggle with the cliche of living in the moment instead of planning for progression into the future forever. There is always the next task, the next to do. It's like a never ending part of life.

I'm personally afraid of making any big plans. Changing my job anything. I just want to be safe. Safe in the status quo. Honestly it's legit for me. I hate a world that changes all the time everything has to be bigger and better. People are always running to the next big deal. I just wish I could find a peaceful modest safe path. Maybe we really are always in the rat race if we like it or not. 

I never feel like putting a dress on when I wake up to go to work. I FEEL like throwing on a t-shirt and pants everyday. It's really not harder to wear a dress and by the time I get to work I feel a tiny bit better about myself for putting in a little bit of effort. There was really no time effort involved it was some sort of emotional effort.

I wonder if sorting out the difference between time effort and emotional effort is at all useful? Maybe you really DO have to put a lot of time effort into something. I think you have though. It seems like I have read in the past you did consider time versus emotional effort involved it tasks.

You have probably considered all of this over extensively since you are a planner. It's probably just powerful fear that is in there and we have to respect our fears, they are coming from somewhere and I personally think fear is often self protection.

Anyhow. Extremely random thoughts. If they aren't relevant just disregard.

 :P
« Last Edit: June 27, 2017, 12:33:30 AM by Garbanzo »

Twoapenny

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2076
Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #17 on: June 27, 2017, 07:18:37 AM »
One more question if you don't mind explaining it...what exactly does "college placement" mean in your son's situation?

Is it a "college" like we call it here in the U.S.? A four-year higher education thing?

Or do you mean a group home or residential school for people with disabilities?

Is it education focused? Living support based?

I've never quite understood the term.

xo
Hops

Hi Hops,

Sorry, I'm replying in a bit of a back to front order here!  Much to tell :)

Basically 'college' in the UK is a fairly fluid term and can mean all of the things you mention above.  In my son's case, initially I'm assuming our easiest option is the local special needs college where he can go from age 16 to age 18 and it's basically an extension of school but with more living skills added to it (going to the supermarket, using the bus, managing money, that sort of thing) and obviously all adapted to suit his ability level.

People with learning difficulties in the UK can stay in education until they're 25 in theory, but it isn't well funded.  We have so much support on paper but very little is actually available because the government don't provide the money needed to put the facilities in place.  Hence the endless battles that parents have to get their children the help that they need.  Anyway, there is an amazing college about an hour and a half away from here where they have a full medical team and a wide range of courses covering all sorts of topics and skills.  They also run a number of actual businesses from the college - a cafe, a T shirt printing shop, a graphic design facility and so on - which means students can do an actual job and get proper work experience.  They can go as day students or residential so I think that would be perfect for my son as he could start as a day student and then progress to residential as time goes on.  From there it would then be a transfer into some sort of supported living arrangement.  So my thinking at the minute is to see the next couple of years at the local college as a stepping stone to the other college that I think would really be wonderful for him :) x

Twoapenny

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2076
Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #18 on: June 27, 2017, 07:29:12 AM »
Outstanding!

I wonder...do you even need to bring up the unfounded allegations in your very first contact? Or could you ask about making a face-to-face appointment? And then when you actually meet, you could say, again fairly briefly...that there was part of a family harrassment issue in the past. (Now mostly irrelevant as you've had no contact with them for X amount of time).

I just don't want you to be so stimulated by the past abuse that you "lead with it", if that makes sense.

IOW, you're introducing yourself. Hello, I'm Tupp, loving mother of Adored Son With Disability. I'm needing to plan a situation that will be right for him as he gets older, and need your help.

Right?

Alternatively, you might (ignore this if I'm exaggerating) be saying: Hello, I'm Tupp, Wounded and Triggered Survivor of Abuse and Family Manipulation of the System You're Part Of So I'm Terrified Of You and Partly Paranoid, and would like you to get involved?

KWIM? No reason you need to HIDE anything about what happened those years back. You have nothing to apologize for and don't need to overprotect these folks. But also there's no reason that old identity has to precede you on a sign down the sidewalk. You are FIRST: Tupp, responsible and loving mother of a Beloved Son with serious medical issues, who needs this organization's assistance. You are SECONDLY all the other.

(And I totally agree with Amber's pragmatic advice:
"As for protecting your son going forward, just ask questions IN PERSON when you get further along in the process. You don't have to volunteer any info, until you're asked. And then I would address it in as dry and an an old history way, as possible. Right now, your inquiry is only about - can we have your help for this purpose? Stick to JUST THAT and you'll start the process.")

love
Hops

To Hops and Skep (I'm aware I'm jumbling up replies here!),

Thank you so much for your input with this, you really helped me to have a light bulb moment over the weekend and this now feels like a huge turning point for me.  I did realise how utterly terrified I have been for the last ten years and how everything I've done with regards to my son has all been about making sure there's no way anyone could get to us again.  It's the reason I haven't gone back to work, it's why I've struggled to make friends, it's why I haven't dated or given myself time off, or bought any nice clothes, got my hair done or any of those nice things (it's partly money as well but even on a tight budget there's enough for a new T shirt or a pretty hair slide every now and again).

And it was so weird that I kind of knew how badly all the abuse allegations had affected me but I didn't really know.  I sat down and worked out all the time off I've missed out on over the last fifteen years as I've not had anyone to look after him.  I worked out fifteen years worth of weekends and fifteen years worth of holiday and I'm owed over 1900 days off :)  It was such a revelation to me, I feel so ill and tired all the time, I don't enjoy myself, I feel guilty if I even buy a sandwich when we're out instead of making my own and I've always felt I just needed to try harder, improve my diet, work more efficiently and so on, and then I'd cope.  Working those days out made me realise that my health problems are nothing more than me forcing myself to be this superhuman person who can never be blamed again, and as soon as I realised that I also realised I don't need to do it anymore.  How amazing is that?

I've gone through my diary and blocked out two days each week as days off.  Then I've awarded myself two days holiday a month and a week in the summer, which basically means I can have a long weekend every four weeks and then a proper week away come August.  I've had the last four days off and obviously I still did things (my son doesn't miraculously stop being disabled just because I've decided I want a break) but the difference in how I feel is amazing.  On top of that two friends got in touch over the weekend and they're coming up to visit and for once I don't feel guilty that they are driving to me rather than me driving to them.  It's been such a revelation and I can't thank you enough :)

Anyway, with all of that in mind I have redrafted the email for the fiftieth time and now I'm thinking of just keeping it so simple and saying I'd like some help with the application due to him being home educated and when would be a good time to get together?  And then I'll deal with the abuse stuff if/when it comes up.  It suddenly doesn't feel so scary any more.  What do you think? x

lighter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 5561
Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #19 on: June 27, 2017, 09:56:48 AM »
((((Tupp))))
What an incredible week you've been having!  I'm so excited for you.

  In some ways it's like you're sheltering in place, because that was your reality for so many years.  It's difficult to know when  the bombs  stop falling.  It's hard to trust you're safe, when so many times you weren't, but hoped otherwise.

It's a bit like rediscovering the sun on your face.... It's a process to accept.... and realize it's just THE the sun.....not exposure to risk and  bombs bc they've been falling fir 10 years without fail. 

You really can poke your head out......and be safe in the sun.  It's just the sun,  yours to enjoy with your son again.  Maybe fir the first time with your son.

 That looks dramatic to read, but I know it feels real to you, bc it was the (improbable) truth.

You're discovering your landscape has altered....again, and that you can trust it's real. 

Grieve the time spent under siege, but with your face turned to the sun.  You have to Mourne, to finish this. ...but always turn back where you are now.  You're safe, you have options, and you're able to move on now.  Really feel that and sit with it.  Feel it in your chest and notice what that's like.

I'm so glad for you, Tupp.
Lighter





JustKathy

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 620
Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #20 on: June 27, 2017, 02:44:16 PM »
Quote
Wanted you to know that I read your post. Often I don't have much to say or advice as it's not my strong point.

Seconding what Garbanzo said. I've also been reading, but am not very good with advice in this department, not having children of my own. I just don't understand the process.

BUT ... the very first reply by Hops about "leap-of-faith honesty" is something I really believe in. In this case I also think it's perfectly okay to admit to being overwhelmed by the process.

This is a pretty long thread, and I've really just skimmed through it, but again, Hops has given some excellent advice with regard to editing and word choices.

Sorry about writing a half-assed reply, but I wanted you to know that I'm here and reading as much as I can in the limited time I have. I know it can be hard to start a thread, see alot of views, but not receive a lot of replies, so I'm just waving hello here and letting you know I'm in your corner.

Hugs,
Kathy

Twoapenny

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2076
Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #21 on: June 28, 2017, 04:49:20 AM »
Dear Tupps. The past is all water over the dam now. Yes, it makes sense that you're afraid. Of course you are dear. That was horrendously ugly of your mother - AND she brought the force the State against you. Good lord. But that doesn't change the fact, that that was then and this now - and you of course have grown and healed much.

I second all of Hops' writing advice; it's sound. Just giving them the pertinant facts of what you're seeking for your son's situation makes total sense. For now. You may NOT have to present any of the reasons for why/how to you got to now at all. You'll know of course.

As for protecting your son going forward, just ask questions IN PERSON when you get further along in the process. You don't have to volunteer any info, until you're asked. And then I would address it in as dry and an an old history way, as possible. Right now, your inquiry is only about - can we have your help for this purpose? Stick to JUST THAT and you'll start the process. IMO, you don't even need to explain why you think you need their help just yet.

Yeah, I have the same sort of stuff in my head when I'm trying to do something new. I have to remind myself: look at what you have DONE, and how that went. Most of the time it went pretty well. There really isn't any rational justification for beating myself up because of the nasty voice in my head that spews the old abuse - except that I fear ever having to hear it again, in person. I'd really like not having to hear it in my head at ALL, too. But, some things take longer to change. Sometimes, I can take that voice & cuss it out good, shake it, and make it go away. Not all the time - and the dang thing is persistent.

But you know - I didn't deserve having that crap inserted into my head in the first place. And neither do you. It doesn't make you a bad person to tell it to get lost, it has no idea what it's talking about. You won't instantly turn into a frog or something more horrible. It just wants you to think that might happen.

Skep, thank you, that's very helpful.  It got me thinking; what was so difficult about dealing with the previous situations was that I walked into them AFTER my mum had been at them.  So people already had a preconceived idea about me (and my son) and it's interesting how people don't generally like to change their opinion after it's been formed (myself included!).  Despite having no evidence to support her claims and despite my presentation and behaviour being nothing like what I imagine they expected, numerous professionals still went along the path my mum had cleared for them, even as far as disregarding or destroying evidence that didn't fit the picture (and by that, I mean evidence that supported me).  And all of that made me realise that that is why I feel like I have to announce myself and present my case, as it were, before I even meet someone.  And of course I don't now, as you rightly point out.  It's so funny how I feel different to the way I may come across.  On paper, I read as Tupp, loving parent of disabled child with complex needs, qualified teacher who has provided a decade of one to one tuition to her son and is now seeking help with the transition to college.  If my mum got in there first (she won't, but just if), I would be Tupp, mentally disturbed single parent who is good at covering her mental health problems and manipulating people, single parent of a child who has been badly damaged by her mental health issues and kept away from the people who love him with a long history of child protection concerns.  As myself, at the moment I feel like Tupp, badly behaved teenager who is about to displease mother and step-father again and who knows what they'll unleash when they find out, so desperately trying to find people to keep onside in order to protect from forth coming attack.  Isn't perception funny?  Same person, same situation, yet such different perspectives.  What I need to work on is bringing the frightened teenager together with the responsible, professionally qualified adult so that the grown up takes precedence and moves the process forward.

Thank you for your thoughts and words, it has helped a lot x

Twoapenny

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2076
Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #22 on: June 28, 2017, 06:05:46 AM »
Wanted you to know that I read your post. Often I don't have much to say or advice as it's not my strong point.

Only things I can think of are random thoughts. When I was a student there are due dates constantly for progress so I could see how parents also have to do-lists as it's a way teachers keep kids in progress and parents follow along with it. If you are home schooling you would have to-dos.

Currently my job doesn't require me to have due dates. Everything is more or less ASAP and immediately.

For my personal life I make little monthly or weekly do do lists on my laptop but I rarely re-visit them. If I look back on them they either remind me that I have been avoiding some important things OR I made notes of a lot of minutia that don't really matter that much. The important things that I avoid have webs and constellations of REAL anxiety connected to them.> AKA "If I don't do this right I am going to create terrible consequences so it may be better if I don't do it right now"

Sometimes planning out minutia is still helpful in making a day go smoother

Perhaps you can still have to do lists but just be a little more relaxed with them.

This post you made sounded more like it wasn't about your to do list but was more about your "I must do this myself list".

Maybe you could make a "I don't really have to do this myself list". You could make it for the heck of it. I think you have already considered that though. Probably the fear is everything is going to unravel if you don't do it yourself.

I guess we can go through our worst case scenarios. Now that I think about this it's really dumb that I have been avoiding making a certain doc appointment as the consequence can only get worse the more I avoid it.

I don't know.

In the end I think you probably just have an exhausting situation. Lots of serious planning for serious things.

I like to force myself to go to art museums. I have to plan like a week ahead to tell myself I must do it. So by planning a simple thing in advance I give myself a lot of mental prep, I don't stay up late the night before etc because I know I am going to get up early and go. It seems stupid to do it, frivolous. If I haven't been doing it for a while I even think I don't enjoy it anymore. That isn't true though, it's like I just forget what it feels like to enjoy it, or I get out of the habit. But honestly sometimes other things in life do take priority. 

Sometimes we just need to show up somewhere and spend a couple of hours doing "nothing" at a destination we jive with.

Even if no big results come out of it, it improves our quality of life. Even if we are not studying to become famous concert pianists or olympic competitors or whatever high falutin achievements and goals and rewards are out there. I often think I am too old to become anything significant, that things really don't matter anymore at my age, my opportunities have past. Me and two other coworkers were talking about this the other day. I'm not sure if this is relevant to you at all. Who knows. Sometimes I think there is like a whole grief about "What may have been", "Who I may have become", "What would I be doing now if life had gone more auspiciously" or whatever. I used to want art to be a part of my life in a more serious way. I have to kind of accept that I'm not going to be an artist of any significance (honestly there was some major youthful ego in that). To enjoy it I have to let go of stipulations and requirements and memories.

We all struggle with the cliche of living in the moment instead of planning for progression into the future forever. There is always the next task, the next to do. It's like a never ending part of life.

I'm personally afraid of making any big plans. Changing my job anything. I just want to be safe. Safe in the status quo. Honestly it's legit for me. I hate a world that changes all the time everything has to be bigger and better. People are always running to the next big deal. I just wish I could find a peaceful modest safe path. Maybe we really are always in the rat race if we like it or not. 

I never feel like putting a dress on when I wake up to go to work. I FEEL like throwing on a t-shirt and pants everyday. It's really not harder to wear a dress and by the time I get to work I feel a tiny bit better about myself for putting in a little bit of effort. There was really no time effort involved it was some sort of emotional effort.

I wonder if sorting out the difference between time effort and emotional effort is at all useful? Maybe you really DO have to put a lot of time effort into something. I think you have though. It seems like I have read in the past you did consider time versus emotional effort involved it tasks.

You have probably considered all of this over extensively since you are a planner. It's probably just powerful fear that is in there and we have to respect our fears, they are coming from somewhere and I personally think fear is often self protection.

Anyhow. Extremely random thoughts. If they aren't relevant just disregard.

 :P

G, it's always nice when you post, thank you :) It is difficult to find the balance, isn't it, between planning (which is necessary in a lot of things), procrastinating (which I do a lot of) and just getting on with something because it feels nice.  Responsibility versus enjoyment, or something like that, I suppose.  It's a balancing act, definitely.

I love your idea of an "I don't really need to do this myself" list.  I do almost everything myself.  I always feel I have to do things myself.  Asking for help feels like weakness to me, it makes me vulnerable to attack, criticism, judgement and so on.  I have a few trusted friends I feel I can ask without making myself vulnerable to those things - here, for example, asking for help with this jump back to state support and letting go of the reins a bit.  I value the opinions of everyone on here, I don't feel judged or put down but at the same time I don't feel people are sycophantic; there's objectivity and suggestion but it's done kindly and in a manner that's aimed at helping rather than making the recipient feel stupid and that makes a big difference :)  So yes, an "I don't need to do this myself list" sounds great and I can start small (going for coffee!  Lol) and build up a bit.  I really like the idea :)

I do get what you mean about trying to get into doing things just for the sake of enjoying them, rather than hoping to become an artist/musician/opera singer/whatever it might be.  I wonder if that is something to do with not being good enough - if I can't be world class at it, why bother?  But it makes such a big difference to spend time doing something you enjoy, even if the end result isn't something that the whole world will appreciate :)

Time versus emotional effort is a really good thing to think about as well, because for me it is often the emotional effort that feels like more work for me - I'd rather put more time in to do something by myself than deal with the emotions of letting other people in.  I do find other people - and particularly other people's emotions - completely exhausting.  So perhaps that is another reason I tend to do things by myself.  I do feel emotionally spent a lot of the time.  That's an interesting idea and I'm going to give it some more thought.  Thank you, G, that has been really helpful :) x

sKePTiKal

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3373
Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #23 on: June 28, 2017, 06:50:18 AM »
YAY! I'm so happy you've had this "aha!" moment. Smells like freedom to me.   ;)

You're not alone in dealing with stuff like that, you know. I do it all the time. And spending so much time alone right now - it's baaaaaacccck. I really do need the interaction of talking with and being with smart and intuitive people solving problems together. The "team" approach, sans dominating egos.

I wonder how many years I've spent in denying myself simple pleasures and enjoyment, out of not trusting that others wouldn't sabotage me? That was a brilliant idea, to figure that up.

The teenager - some thoughts for you - since yeah, I know this one too. Her fear is completely, 100% justified and RATIONAL to HER. She needs you to tell her that you understand. Then, explain the difference between her life/death experience... and taking a small risk; exploring and discovering new things - at a comfortable pace, of course. You know how to mother your son; turn some of that experience to teenaged Tupp, too.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

Twoapenny

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2076
Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #24 on: June 28, 2017, 01:21:31 PM »
Quote
Wanted you to know that I read your post. Often I don't have much to say or advice as it's not my strong point.

Seconding what Garbanzo said. I've also been reading, but am not very good with advice in this department, not having children of my own. I just don't understand the process.

BUT ... the very first reply by Hops about "leap-of-faith honesty" is something I really believe in. In this case I also think it's perfectly okay to admit to being overwhelmed by the process.

This is a pretty long thread, and I've really just skimmed through it, but again, Hops has given some excellent advice with regard to editing and word choices.

Sorry about writing a half-assed reply, but I wanted you to know that I'm here and reading as much as I can in the limited time I have. I know it can be hard to start a thread, see alot of views, but not receive a lot of replies, so I'm just waving hello here and letting you know I'm in your corner.

Hugs,
Kathy

Kathy, thank you for that, it is much appreciated, and the funny thing is I get a lot from posts on here whether they're related to something I've posted or something that someone else has put up.  Just reading other people's experiences helps me, sometimes because it gives me a different perspective, sometimes because I think 'Ooh, I do that' and then the response helps me as well, sometimes just because as unpleasant as it is knowing other people are struggling it's also nice to know you're not the only one.  The wave is much appreciated and I'm waving right back :)  Tup xx

Twoapenny

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2076
Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #25 on: June 28, 2017, 01:25:56 PM »
((((Tupp))))
What an incredible week you've been having!  I'm so excited for you.

  In some ways it's like you're sheltering in place, because that was your reality for so many years.  It's difficult to know when  the bombs  stop falling.  It's hard to trust you're safe, when so many times you weren't, but hoped otherwise.

It's a bit like rediscovering the sun on your face.... It's a process to accept.... and realize it's just THE the sun.....not exposure to risk and  bombs bc they've been falling fir 10 years without fail. 

You really can poke your head out......and be safe in the sun.  It's just the sun,  yours to enjoy with your son again.  Maybe fir the first time with your son.

 That looks dramatic to read, but I know it feels real to you, bc it was the (improbable) truth.

You're discovering your landscape has altered....again, and that you can trust it's real. 

Grieve the time spent under siege, but with your face turned to the sun.  You have to Mourne, to finish this. ...but always turn back where you are now.  You're safe, you have options, and you're able to move on now.  Really feel that and sit with it.  Feel it in your chest and notice what that's like.

I'm so glad for you, Tupp.
Lighter

Lighter, thank you, yes it's like coming out of a bit of a fog or something.  I even feel a bit like the child abuse allegations made me regress a bit somehow, and wonder if that was part of the reason moving 'home' felt like the right thing to do.  I hung around with former childhood friends and for a while it was fine, but the truth is I did outgrow them whilst still a teenager and it seems to me now that I reverted back to teenage behaviour for a while.  I even dated a bloke I used to really fancy when I was about fourteen.  I can't believe I even entertained the idea now but eight or so years ago it seemed like the most natural thing in the world.  So yes, I think finally coming out of a dark place and seeing that there's light and other stuff going on.  I'm finding writing is helping, poems are good because you can express a lot in a relatively short space of time.  Thank you for your words, they are much appreciated xx

Twoapenny

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2076
Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #26 on: June 29, 2017, 02:22:01 PM »
 I have been trying this week to rest more and not just keep working all the time and it has made me fall apart a bit - just that sense of letting go and not constantly fighting the unseen threat has made me realise how completely exhausted I am.  What's been interesting is I can see now that my anxiety and negativity are actually tiredness.  The days when I've had a decent amount of sleep and plenty of rest are a real contrast to the days when I've not slept too well or I've not had a chance to rest during the day.  So I'm really trying at the moment to focus on improving that and trying to get as many days as possible where I don't feel dreadful or run around all day long. x

Hopalong

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 10550
Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #27 on: June 29, 2017, 04:45:04 PM »
That makes a lot of sense, Tupp...be kind to yourself.
Keep resting, respect those no-work times you've decided upon.

You've been running on adrenalin for YEARS.
It's so natural that a lot of emotion is surging to the surface now that
you've committed to let go of your hyper-vigilance.

It's just what happens. But if you ride it through you will be able to
construct a saner, simpler life. Let it come and go and weep or sleep.

Don't you ever give up on that dream. You're laying the foundations
for it right now.

love
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Twoapenny

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2076
Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #28 on: June 30, 2017, 02:39:15 PM »
YAY! I'm so happy you've had this "aha!" moment. Smells like freedom to me.   ;)

You're not alone in dealing with stuff like that, you know. I do it all the time. And spending so much time alone right now - it's baaaaaacccck. I really do need the interaction of talking with and being with smart and intuitive people solving problems together. The "team" approach, sans dominating egos.

I wonder how many years I've spent in denying myself simple pleasures and enjoyment, out of not trusting that others wouldn't sabotage me? That was a brilliant idea, to figure that up.

The teenager - some thoughts for you - since yeah, I know this one too. Her fear is completely, 100% justified and RATIONAL to HER. She needs you to tell her that you understand. Then, explain the difference between her life/death experience... and taking a small risk; exploring and discovering new things - at a comfortable pace, of course. You know how to mother your son; turn some of that experience to teenaged Tupp, too.

Skep, I realised today that what I miss so much - and need so much in my life - is 'the interaction of talking with and being with smart and intuitive people solving problems together'.  I haven't had that since I left University, nearly twenty years ago.

University was such a life changer for me.  I grew up in a small village where everyone knew everyone and everyone's business.  My weird family were well known and talked about endlessly.  I never fitted in.  We'd come from money, and then my dad's business went bust and they lost everything and were housed on a big council estate.  I don't know what your equivalent is, the projects?  It's a term I hear but have never really understood, but basically cheap housing in bad areas with loads of social problems and few opportunities.  My mum refused to give up her former luxury lifestyle and we had this cheap terraced house that was full of antiques and crystal chandeliers.  She had a huge box of jewellery, all sorts of precious stones and gold necklaces, a wardrobe full of fur coats and yet we were so skint, my sister and I always wore hand me downs and there was never money for anything luxurious or unnecessary.  I always remember watching the other girls get changed for PE and they had pretty vest and pant sets on, whilst I used to get changed squeezed in the corner so they wouldn't tease me about my boring plain knickers and unisex vest.  Isn't it funny the things that stick in your mind.

So we just didn't fit in on this rough estate, and then my mum sent us to a 'good' school out of the area where most of the kids came from middle class families.  So of course I didn't fit in there either, and was teased for living on the rough estate, whilst the kids on the rough estate teased us for going to a posh school.  It was a very white area, very few families of any other kind of race or culture.  I left school and did a whole load of boring, dead end jobs because there was just no push to do anything else or have any kind of aspiration.  I went to college on a whim in my early twenties; I'd seen them advertising an open day, went for a look around and found myself signing up to do A Levels.  When I got my results my tutor told me to stop faffing around and go to University and I really had no idea what that entailed, it just seemed more interesting than my cleaning job so I did.  And it was this whole new world, all these people from so many different backgrounds, cultures, religions, other countries and languages, so many subjects, so much knowledge and learning and I just loved it.  I soaked it all up, worked my bum off and I got a good degree out of it.  But it was the social interaction and the diversity that I loved more than anything else, but when it ended I just didn't know what to do and moved home.  And I only really realised today how that decision came from fear of the unknown and how moving back home meant I went back to my fake life where I tried to fit in with people I didn't really have anything in common with or want to be around.  And almost twenty years later I'm still stuck here!

Anyway, I'm waffling :)  But that really struck a chord with me, that and denying myself pleasure.  That's been a huge problem for so long now.

Twoapenny

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2076
Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #29 on: June 30, 2017, 02:42:12 PM »
That makes a lot of sense, Tupp...be kind to yourself.
Keep resting, respect those no-work times you've decided upon.

You've been running on adrenalin for YEARS.
It's so natural that a lot of emotion is surging to the surface now that
you've committed to let go of your hyper-vigilance.

It's just what happens. But if you ride it through you will be able to
construct a saner, simpler life. Let it come and go and weep or sleep.

Don't you ever give up on that dream. You're laying the foundations
for it right now.

love
Hops

I'm keeping on keeping on, Hops, but I am feeling so much resistance!  Isn't it weird, I know I want to change, I know I need to, I know what I need to do but there is such a big part of me trying not to.  I am really trying to work on my negative thinking and trying not to let myself keep ruminating on things as I do sometimes.  Even sticking to my non-work days is difficult; I feel I ought to be racing around and I see so many things I could be criticised for it makes me panic and I'm really having to fight the urge not to give in and go back to my constant state of fright mode.  So bizarre that we try to stop ourselves doing the things we know we need to do in order to change!  I will keep trying :) x