Author Topic: Need To Spill  (Read 323 times)

Hopalong

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Re: Need To Spill
« Reply #15 on: November 17, 2018, 07:08:47 PM »
Quote
it seems there are way too many messages confusing physical satisfaction with love these days. That seems like a major loss for humanity...

AMEN, and Amen.

xxoo
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Twoapenny

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Re: Need To Spill
« Reply #16 on: November 18, 2018, 03:54:18 AM »
Thank you again, all of you, for your support, as always.

Things have calmed down a bit.  Son is on best behaviour, is far more pleasant to be around during the day, not as tired, not as grumpy and doing much less of the moody teenager thing.  Whether he is putting on an act or if it is the effect of less screen time, earlier nights and no porn, only time will tell, I think.

Porn is like much else of modern life, I think - endless television, social media, junk food, text talk instead of conversations and so on.  There is so much now that is artificial and yes, I do think real life experiences are so much richer and more meaningful, whatever the situation.  I don't want to come over all hellfire and brimstone on him but I do want him to understand that this is not real, and is not an accurate representation of real.

He's not having real life situations of any kind, and possibly never will.  He dislikes all forms of touch.  He won't hug and only holds my arm when walking because he needs the physical prop.  He can't hold a conversation; literally, it isn't something he's capable of.  He can answer relatively simple questions and will talk at length about things that interest him but has no interest in anything anyone else is saying.  Intellectually, about nine tenths of what most people say is white noise to him; he can follow clear, precise instructions but cannot keep up with or engage in a general conversation.  So there are these big barriers there which will not be dampening the probably colossal amounts of testosterone swirling around him and the physical urges and desires that are probably all encompassing at the moment.  We are going to have to get out more and socialise more, if only to ensure there's less time available for screens and wandering mind moments.  But it's tough, tough for him, tough for me and bizarrely, I've been trying to find learning disabled resources about this sort of thing and there's surprisingly little out there.  It seems the basics are covered but not much else.  I may have to dig a bit deeper or make up my own.  I will talk to college at some point in the future about it and see what they can suggest.

Anyway - in the meantime, I think the crisis is over for now.  Thank you all for listening and being there for me, as always xx

Hopalong

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Re: Need To Spill
« Reply #17 on: November 18, 2018, 10:04:27 AM »
I couldn't resist a very quick search and also found virtually nothing about pornogrpahy compulsion among young males with ASD.

This review article might lead you to some info, dunno.
https://link.springer.com/referenceworkentry/10.1007%2F978-1-4614-4788-7_27

I guess because the hyper-availability of porn and the unfiltered internet and this generation's vulnerability to device addiction is relatively new in the culture, researchers haven't singled out this particular sexual behavior in studies yet. What a disappointment.

BUT...I do think a skilled and intelligent therapist could work with your son to help him feel good about himself and find healthier outlets. I hope so.

xxoo
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Twoapenny

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Re: Need To Spill
« Reply #18 on: November 18, 2018, 10:48:32 AM »
I couldn't resist a very quick search and also found virtually nothing about pornogrpahy compulsion among young males with ASD.

This review article might lead you to some info, dunno.
https://link.springer.com/referenceworkentry/10.1007%2F978-1-4614-4788-7_27

I guess because the hyper-availability of porn and the unfiltered internet and this generation's vulnerability to device addiction is relatively new in the culture, researchers haven't singled out this particular sexual behavior in studies yet. What a disappointment.

BUT...I do think a skilled and intelligent therapist could work with your son to help him feel good about himself and find healthier outlets. I hope so.

xxoo
Hops

Aw Hops, thank you for doing that, very kind of you.  I will read the article later on, thank you.  Yes, it seems a very overlooked topic.  Resources for general puberty/sex/consent type topics among the learning disabled seem better catered for (in the UK, at least), and we've got three books that I've found very useful - just clear, simple explanations and sensible advice with lists of rules (he loves rules!) about where you can get undressed, what to do if you get an erection in public and so on.  Just sensible and good to have written down so he can self refer (which he prefers to do rather than talking to me).  But most of what I found relating to porn and learning disabilities was in relation to them being abused or exploited, rather than ways of helping them understand what is wrong with it without making them have a nervous breakdown if they see a nipple.  So yes, an overlooked area and one I need to do some more work on.

I'm currently going through documents for the court hearing on Thursday and the sneaky local authority have been making changes without telling me.  Each version is around 260 pages long and it's dense reading - wordy, complex, tedious! And I am finding changes between the first and second edition and then again in the third edition that I haven't been informed about, that haven't been discussed or agreed upon and, of course, take support away from son rather than giving it to him.  Unlucky for them that I'm such a detail freak.  Lol xx

Twoapenny

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Re: Need To Spill
« Reply #19 on: November 25, 2018, 09:43:24 AM »
Just a little update; we seen to have got through the storm okay.  Son's devices are now put away at 8pm; he's sleeping better, behaviour's better and he just hasn't been so 'teenage'.  It may well be that he's putting on a best behaviour act but hopefully the reduced screen time is doing him some favours and I feel happier knowing he can't watch any more of that stuff (or not at home, anyway, but that is another problem to tackle in the future!).

Thank you all for listening and all of your support and advice, I appreciate it so much xx

Hopalong

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Re: Need To Spill
« Reply #20 on: November 25, 2018, 10:35:04 AM »
I'm so glad to hear this, Tupp.
He couldn't control it himself and your device management
has helped him. No wonder he's becoming calmer and happier.

As to your trudge through the storms for him, and your decision
to have him live in what I suppose is the same as what we call
"group homes" for learning disabled in the U.S., that makes
perfect sense to me. You can pop in frequently to be sure all
is going okay and I imagine he'll settle into a satisfying sense
of belonging and community that he really will benefit from.

BRAVO, you. I'm so very sorry the system is so stupid. Unlike you.

love,
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Twoapenny

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Re: Need To Spill
« Reply #21 on: November 26, 2018, 02:43:56 AM »
I'm so glad to hear this, Tupp.
He couldn't control it himself and your device management
has helped him. No wonder he's becoming calmer and happier.

As to your trudge through the storms for him, and your decision
to have him live in what I suppose is the same as what we call
"group homes" for learning disabled in the U.S., that makes
perfect sense to me. You can pop in frequently to be sure all
is going okay and I imagine he'll settle into a satisfying sense
of belonging and community that he really will benefit from.

BRAVO, you. I'm so very sorry the system is so stupid. Unlike you.

love,
Hops

Thanks, Hops. Yes, it will be some sort of group home set up, there's different things around.  He comes under lower level care needs; he doesn't need personal or nursing care, more just people around to help out with things, motivate him, keep him safe and so on.  It won't happen quickly but I've emailed the social worker about a meeting to discuss the way it all works and to start the ball rolling.

The system is horrific; I've tried my best to keep away from it because it really doesn't sit well with me - the attitude, the inefficiency, the closed minded, 'you will comply even though this is doing more harm than good' mentality makes me fear my own sanity.  But I think we're at the stage now where what's best for son is for me to be working, earning, healthy and happy so that I can (a) pay for as much privately as possible and (b) just keep myself alive for as long as possible.  I honestly feel like the stress is killing me and it has to stop.  Hopefully this week will be a bit quieter.  I still have mountains of paperwork to deal with but at least I'll be able to go for a walk on the beach each day while he's at college xx

Hopalong

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Re: Need To Spill
« Reply #22 on: November 26, 2018, 09:52:00 PM »
I understand.
The stress of caregiving CAN kill.

You are doing the right thing, for you both.

You've caught this in time.
You can recover and you will.

Breathe don't despair be gentle.

It's going to be okay.

love,
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Twoapenny

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Re: Need To Spill
« Reply #23 on: November 27, 2018, 01:17:19 PM »
I understand.
The stress of caregiving CAN kill.

You are doing the right thing, for you both.

You've caught this in time.
You can recover and you will.

Breathe don't despair be gentle.

It's going to be okay.

love,
Hops

Thank you, Hops, your support and kindness mean a lot to me :)

Things have eased off a little bit now; I think what is really becoming clear is that just managing day to day is a monumental challenge; dealing with court cases and house moves and any other kind of additional stress is just too much.  And I find it very difficult to keep a healthy mindset when I'm tired and stressed.

I did do a bit of yoga this morning; I've laid off the coffee today and things are settling a bit.  There was (I thought) a medical issue brewing but it has turned out to be a bit of a miscommunication so it doesn't seem to be an issue now and I've emailed the social worker to request a meeting for after Christmas.  So we're getting there slowly and I'm just going to say no to anything stressful now and people will just have to wait :) x

lighter

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Re: Need To Spill
« Reply #24 on: November 28, 2018, 10:23:32 PM »
Just a gentle reminder about my Aunt's nephew living in his adult care group home situation.  He goes home some weekends, but can't wait to get back to his job and friends.  It's a good thing, ((Tupp.))
Lighter

Twoapenny

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Re: Need To Spill
« Reply #25 on: November 29, 2018, 03:28:59 AM »
Just a gentle reminder about my Aunt's nephew living in his adult care group home situation.  He goes home some weekends, but can't wait to get back to his job and friends.  It's a good thing, ((Tupp.))
Lighter

Thanks Lighter, it is reassuring to hear of others enjoying those situations.  I have met people over the years for whom it works well and I know I will definitely be a lot healthier and function better if the bulk of the responsibility for looking after him is elsewhere and I can just take him out at the weekend and on little holidays.  I think it's important to get things in place now (it will take years to sort out anyway) so nothing will happen over night xx