Author Topic: Exploring resistence  (Read 3192 times)

lighter

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Re: Exploring resistence
« Reply #90 on: August 09, 2017, 10:13:21 AM »
Hops:

It's funny you bring that up.  A friend, who's asked to work out with me many times, asked again yesterday.  I'll stop finding reasons to say NO, and just do it.  With him, with my children, without them... I just need to do it. 

Tupp:
My inner child is upset about a lot of things.

She's stunned to find so man years slipped by.  She's not sure how to BE the age she is.

She's spitting mad at the legal system..... the little people in positions of power in government jobs at every level who casually harm individuals they should serve and/or protect.   There's no accountability.  No consequences for being incompetent, or ignorant, or for purposely harming people bc of both.  You've been there, and then they're mixed in with the Cluster Bs.... everywhere.  Perfect little helpers.... also helping them blend and pass.

She's angry that children are so vulnerable.  She angry so many harmful people have children.....that they're born into regions with war, famine, and droughts.

She's angry she's not as strong, flexible, confident. She doesn't know how to be anything else.   

She's angry her father wasn't there when she needed him.  She's angry he wouldn't listen to her about having a dangerous surgery that left him stroked. The last 11 years taught her who she can depend on, but it also made clear how little voice she's had in her FOO.  That's more heartbreaking for her than anything else.

She's puzzled and frustrated with the energy between her oldest dd and herself.  It physically hurts at times.

She's angry that the love of her life died of cancer, and left her alone.   She misses being that cherished, and loved.  She hasn't been able to let anyone else near.   

She's mad that she couldn't mother the girls to the best of her ability.... the way she did before her world flew apart.  She's sure nothing can ever be OK after that.

She's just very very petulant, and stubborn, Tupp.

Lighter


lighter

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Re: Exploring resistence
« Reply #91 on: August 14, 2017, 02:27:25 PM »
My garage is cleaned out.  The outdoor shower repairs are finished.  Oldest DD16 is home today, and looks great.  Sounds great, though she's tired... not enough sleep.

Youngest looked at me today, during conversation, and said....

"It makes me so..... sad.... that you care so much about other people."

It broke my heart.  It wasn't a compliment.  It was a truth about a deficit she sees.... that harms me.... it's not the first time she's mentioned it.

Thinking about others is my comfort zone.  It's so difficult to change patterns, and not get thrown off by chaos, IME.

 Last week provided challenges and opportunities to work on this.

Lighter

Twoapenny

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Re: Exploring resistence
« Reply #92 on: August 17, 2017, 03:30:03 AM »
Your inner child sounds as if she's rightly pissed off about a lot of things, Lighter.

It's interesting that you say your D has noticed you caring about others so much.  Kids can be so insightful.  A friend of mine had a conversation with her son recently, where he asked her, very candidly, why she ever married his dad as it was obviously a terrible idea.  It just really struck her that he saw something so clearly that it had taken her years to notice.

It is easier to think about other people rather than working on ourselves.  It's safer.  For me it means I can't be criticised for being 'bad' or selfish.  If I never do anything for myself no-one can blame me for anything.  Working on that one, too xx

lighter

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Re: Exploring resistence
« Reply #93 on: August 20, 2017, 03:27:38 PM »
I'm working on it too, Tupp.  I did something stupid this week, and I'm trying to flip it around, and turn it into a learning experience rather than what it feels like right now.

I'm going to learn from this one.

::nodding::

Lighter

Twoapenny

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Re: Exploring resistence
« Reply #94 on: August 25, 2017, 04:23:58 AM »
I'm working on it too, Tupp.  I did something stupid this week, and I'm trying to flip it around, and turn it into a learning experience rather than what it feels like right now.

I'm going to learn from this one.

::nodding::

Lighter

It always amazes me how many of my mum's bad habits I have picked up unintentionally.  I found myself re-running a scenario in my head for probably the millionth time this week, about something I did about ten years ago.  I was selfish and thoughtless and cause quite a few other people inconvenience for a part of their morning.  But I realised I'm still running this through my head, ten years later.  I was moving house, after a very stressful time, and had already done three trips with the van and needed to go back a fourth time to get the last few bits that hadn't fitted in.  When we got back to the house there was nowhere to park and so I just blocked the road and made a queue of traffic wait while I loaded up.  I probably delayed them by about ten to fifteen minutes and everyone was very cross.  I was very tired and stressed as well and just wanted to get everything done.  So it wasn't my finest hour and not the way I'd usually behave but to still be running it through my mind ten years later is just silly (and seems even sillier now I've written it down).  But that's what my mum would be doing, bringing that up a decade on, to remind me that I am an inherently bad person.

What I'm saying is I get how hard it is to do something that you wish you hadn't done (or had done differently) and be able to accept it, let it go and not give yourself a hard time about it.  That is a hard lesson to learn (even though it is so good for us!  Lol).  Sending you learning and letting go thoughts, Lighter :) xx