Author Topic: Becoming "me"  (Read 17387 times)

sKePTiKal

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Becoming "me"
« on: December 21, 2015, 10:33:19 AM »
Just between you and me, I'm kinda bored with myself - picking at my scabs and sticking sharp sticks in my eye, crying - what I'm "going through" is complicated. Grieving, sure - but there is much to do that requires one's wits about them. The more complicated bit, is the identity crisis and realizing that I can, after all these years - "suit myself" in decision making and not consider anyone else's feelings or opinions if I don't want to (and yeah, I'll probably want to... those minions I have, all express themselves verbosely... so they'll be a bit taken aback by the new assertiveness). I've always been one half of the decision; there's always been someone else to allow for in the process. This is "something completely different".

Thursday will be a month. And I've almost got the upstairs - where we mainly live - all cleared out and cleaned up. Still some books & dvds; library stuff to deal with. It's not hurting anything to leave it for now. Ready to rock & roll on estate/probate stuff after the holidays; I was in a tizzy to get stuff started before then, last week, but talked myself out of it. We're not "big city" here. Christmas is a weeks long observation with many activities and parties, etc. People are leaving me alone because they're so busy and outta "respect", because I've said I'm just fine. I need this time to just re-group and relax about it. Started dreaming about him. And some adopted "father figures" in my life too. I'm not under a deadline to deal with this.

My one D needs to be told in no uncertain terms that I don't want HER company; - the problematic one - who got told yesterday, since she's going to be 40 next year - I don't wanna be anyone's "mom" anymore. I told her she needs to be "mom". She doesn't quite get that our relationship needs to change and needs to rebuilt after 20+ years of lying & betrayal & even abandoning mom and it doesn't just magically become "ok" without work. Her sister & I have tried; but we got told to piss up a rope. And now it's all supposed to be bygones???? And she hasn't worked to heal it. At all. Just more of the same. I'm willing to write it all off as a lost cause until it's proven otherwise. And I'm not upset or hurt about it anymore - just tired of it. I just DON'T CARE that much anymore.

My mom is the same type; yes - she's tried to follow the forms of being nice, caring - and I'm more than willing to take what I can get; with the caveat that I know it's a trap. And sure 'nuff, the trap is she wants to live with me so I can "help her" with all her "stuff". LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLLOOLLLL...   uh. NO.  I'm dealing with Michael's STUFF. And he's not here to tell me I can't throw "that" away - when it's just some toy from a happy meal, from 15 years ago.

I am getting bursts of energy. I really got a lot accomplished over the weekend. And I've done some "fun" stuff like decorate the kitchen table for Christmas... found a cable channel that plays nothing but westerns! And there is something so comforting about all those men running around, making decisions, taking charge and riding in to rescue damsels in distress. It's old-fashioned, traditional, and a complete fantasy - LOL. It works, for now.

I'm finding new routines - and keeping some of the comforting old ones around for now too. Still a work in progress to get to my "self care" stuff... it still doesn't feel natural to not be the step-sister Cinderella; the one the fairy godmother creates just feels "wrong". So, looking for a compromise there. Mike helped me find one, once... so it's do-able. I just have to consider it important enough to make time for it.

I'll have more time, if I don't have so much I'm "taking care of". Push has come to shove about this house. I'm hiring as much help as I can stand, I'm repairing/replacing what needs to be taken care of... and I'm selling. There's the new cabin in the mountains. It was a compromise between hubs & me. It's not really what I wanted and my favorite furniture isn't going to fit in there - much less my books, sewing/art stuff... etc. I may turn that over as well and simply look for something more along the lines of what I WANT, this time. Looking at real estate is a lot more fun than watching the news.

I'm throwing darts at maps to see what might tempt me, as far as location.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

Hopalong

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Re: Becoming "me"
« Reply #1 on: December 21, 2015, 12:04:32 PM »
Hear, hear.
YOUR life, YOUR peace and YOUR place.

Don't rush it and remember, as brittle as you may feel sometimes, you are not alone in the world.
There are kind people with healing vibes to be found everywhere, and you can go forth safely.

You are safe. You will be okay.

Self care is essential, not a hobby...you can get used to it, promise.
And you don't have to do anything perfectly. Ever.

love to you,
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

lighter

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Re: Becoming "me"
« Reply #2 on: December 22, 2015, 10:57:15 PM »
sKeP:

I vote you find a new place, just your own, and sell the others.

Whatever it is you think you want..... that's what you should do.

::sending you the perseverence to carry on self care until it feels right::

Lighter

sKePTiKal

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Re: Becoming "me"
« Reply #3 on: December 29, 2015, 08:54:59 AM »
So, agonizing over the decision to file an estate tax return or not. Of all things. It's advantage me & the kids, if I do and doesn't really hurt things if I don't. And on the plus side - I have someone who will do it for me. After looking through all the formal instructions, dos and don'ts - I think I'm going to just leave it in the hands of the experts. I don't want to think about what I don't have to think about, right now.

What I'm trying to think about instead, is if I've left any stone unturned about where, what & who I want to be when I "grow up". Is there anything I haven't explored enough to know if I'd go back to it or not? What are the common threads that have continued through my various "lives"? Is there enough in those, to base another iteration on? What have I not considered a possibility and why? Are those premises for rejection, still true?

Things that have followed me, through those various lives:

reading, writing, art work
growing things and a strong connection to "place"
textiles & sewing
people I care about and vice versa; spending time with them - just being
designing and building rational dwellings/homesteads

Things that I gave up, rejected, or was otherwise convinced was not a good fit:

being a cowgirl
holding salons full of self-satisfied, artificially witty, legends in their own minds, intellectuals
becoming a nun
being a scientist, or nurse, herbalist/healer, or doctor
travelling to and living in exotic places (my fascination with the exotic just up & disappeared)
oh, and rockstar by the pool drink in hand... after a couple years of that, when people had to go work and couldn't come visit... it got boring and tiresome. Fun times, but not when you do it all the time.

My T had me list 10 things I'd always wanted, back when I started therapy. I couldn't come up with 10. But one, was live by the water - ok, check that off the list. This place was something both of us wanted to do, so we did it - because we could afford to. I expected to have a lot more help maintaining it from him than I had. And even when he wasn't desperately ill, I was getting the idea he just wasn't into that. By myself, it's a constant on-going battle that I simply don't want to spend all my time on.

Instead, I want to: __________________.

I'm beginning to think about whether I want another man in my life. Or not. The standards keep going up every single time I engage this human exercise of "pairing up". And it usually takes something from me, too. Maybe I'll just get a dog.

LOL.



Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

Hopalong

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Re: Becoming "me"
« Reply #4 on: December 29, 2015, 05:26:41 PM »
What a fabulous process to be in. Despite the parallel grief.

I hope you can hold each idea lightly and dance with them all, unless one settles more than the others on your palm and says, Hello,
how about me? This feels good. But it's okay if you change your mind.

There will be no punishment.

Even from pointy-headed, artificially witty intellectuals who need to be taken down a peg.
But that'd take energy.

love
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

sKePTiKal

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Re: Becoming "me"
« Reply #5 on: December 30, 2015, 07:58:19 AM »
Ya know, Hops... I was thinking of a lot of my D's friends in her korass. Hipsters and Hollywood types, now. (She is part of the special effects crew for House of Cards, the Netflix series.) They are great fun to play with (for me) in small doses. I used to think that was the epitome of "making it" in the creative world.

LOL.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

lighter

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Re: Becoming "me"
« Reply #6 on: December 30, 2015, 10:38:32 AM »
Amber:

I'm trying to cultivate the habit of holding something/decision/choice in my mind, and listening to how it feels. 

Does it feel lighter, or heavier for me? 

Usually it goes one way or the other, not always the way I think it will.

Lighter

sKePTiKal

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Re: Becoming "me"
« Reply #7 on: December 31, 2015, 09:36:08 AM »
Lighter, I've used that technique for awhile now. But have run up against something that's getting in the way. I think maybe just time will fix it; there isn't any other solution, really.

That is: I don't trust myself enough to make smart decisions. Part of the benefit of being in a relationship is having someone to talk things through with; their viewpoints/druthers; all that makes for a better decision and better understanding of the decision overall, IMO. I need someone to critique and see the things I'm missing; someone to validate; and someone to "what if..." with.

At the root of this, is that it still feels taboo - a sin against the "way things are supposed to be" - to simply know what I want and decide to go do that. To just suit myself - and to hell with what anyone else thinks, wants, or is afraid will happen to me. My "job", if you will, is to see the other half of "my brain"; the other person... gets enough of what he wants/needs. You could say my autonomy has atrophied over the years of being in relationships. It needs some rehab.

And in particular - I'm seeking male input/validation. Approval, perhaps. Someone to challenge my preconceived notions and settling for "whatever I can get" - instead of seeking a higher standard. Competitiveness was a part of my relationship with hubs; but not mean spirited - it didn't matter who "won" - what mattered was how that challenge was "played". At the end of the day - no matter the frustrations or perceived insults - we still loved each other just the way we are; warts & all.

Part of my brain is trying to tell me, that I could've altered the facts of what happened. I keep kicking it's butt, too. Because how this all happened was Mike's choice; I felt like a nag as it was - suggesting he see a doctor. For YEARS, even before we moved. We had discussed it all in depth. Several times. He chose not to and only acquiesced at the end, because we all ganged up on him. And he lived his worst nightmare of tests, tubes, and hospitals. And once we were able to make him comfortable and safe at home - he had his exit plan all lined up. He told me one day, even through not being able to talk clearly, that he was NOT a piece of furniture! I think that meant, that he felt like he was - because literally, there was almost nothing he could do for himself. He hated that; absolutely could not bear it. And it hurt him to see how tired I was too, even with the night nurses helping.

I don't know what that nasty, finger-pointing part of my brain is or why it exists in me. It's evil. It's not "conscience", as my mother still tries to tell me. I sure as hell didn't do anything wrong. But having to deal with it, and with the lack of some brain-storming partner who will let me talk things out... is getting me stuck. Stuck is bad; stuck is deer in the headlights; stuck is... well, dead in the water. No power; no energy; no directional rudders; no compass - just drifting. Ack.

So, I'm flailing a bit. Looking for purchase; some traction and something to grab onto and pull myself out of this.

Because I built a homestead, with Ex#2 - and because the past few years I found myself trying to replicate some aspects of that here at the beach (and conditions are the worst they can be for that), I'm on a couple of forums for that kind of thing. Those folks are hearing me say I'm lonely, is the latest feedback. Except, I really don't want to be around people. I like the amount of space I have, that I only share with the cat. I don't want to have to interact -- yet here I am -- looking for that connection. And over there - looking for validation and things I didn't think about re: the cabin that I haven't spent 24 hours in yet.

Do you suppose it's possible to want two mutually exclusive things at once? Unconsciously and subconsciously? And maybe even what passes for consciousness? (yeah, that's three - but who's counting???)

Yep; flailing. I guess this will pass too.
« Last Edit: December 31, 2015, 09:39:16 AM by sKePTiKal »
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

ann3

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Re: Becoming "me"
« Reply #8 on: December 31, 2015, 02:08:27 PM »
Quote
Do you suppose it's possible to want two mutually exclusive things at once?
  Yes.

Maybe you're expecting too much of yourself at this time?  Maybe give yourself some time to adjust to your new reality.  Maybe just ride the current wave as it takes you up and down and in and out.  At some point, the waters will calm and you will find your new "self".

Twoapenny

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Re: Becoming "me"
« Reply #9 on: December 31, 2015, 09:58:19 PM »
There's a lady on another forum, Skep, who advises other people on dealing with grief and she suggests that important decisions should be delayed for at least a year after losing someone, because our feelings change so much and what we want/need keeps changing.  Obviously sometimes things can't be delayed for that long, depending on the situation but anyway, it popped into my head when I was reading so thought I would mention it :) x

lighter

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Re: Becoming "me"
« Reply #10 on: January 02, 2016, 01:54:33 PM »

Do you suppose it's possible to want two mutually exclusive things at once? Unconsciously and subconsciously? And maybe even what passes for consciousness? (yeah, that's three - but who's counting???)

Yep; flailing. I guess this will pass too.

Amber:

Maybe you're choosing other people and things simply by not choosing to fill your life with the people you already know?

Maybe you're making space for something you want creating wide open spaces in your life, and learning how to feel comfortable in them before the new folks show up?

That's a lesson too.  Learning to feel comfortable in our own skin, by ourselves.  Learning how to BE in new situations, and on our own.

Learning how to listen to discomfort, and just let it BE without moving in to FIX it with old habits and solutions that frankly aren't working any longer.

I think you're going through a huge growth phase, and that all growth is painful. 

Pain is often a messenger we shouldn't fear, or avoid..... we can just sit and pay attention to it for a while.  Try new things on, and see how it responds.

Choosing not to be around the people you already know doesn't mean you prefer to be alone, Amber.... I don't see it that way at all. 

I think all your experiences have made you into a bit of a.... errr..... a heroic giant. 

::nodding::

Sometimes giants feel different or out of place around regular people, and sometimes what would suit  them isn't what the general population thinks they want or what the giant should want, IMO.

I think you do want companionship.  I think you need to choose another family, and that it will take time to figure out.

Don't fear, or assume.... just sit and listen to what comes up.  Journal.  Keep reaching out to others, and paying attention.

Egads.... Hops could have written that with fewer words, but that's what I think.  I know you know all this, but sometimes it's hard to apply it to ourselves when we're confused.

Lighter






Hopalong

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Re: Becoming "me"
« Reply #11 on: January 02, 2016, 09:59:36 PM »
A comedian said it in waaaaay fewer words than I could.
Just saw this the other day...

Pain is knowledge rushing in to fill a gap.

Jerry Seinfeld

(Who knew?)

Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

sKePTiKal

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Re: Becoming "me"
« Reply #12 on: January 03, 2016, 07:07:07 AM »
Well, damn. Who knew there were so many gaps?

 :shock:
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Hopalong

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Re: Becoming "me"
« Reply #13 on: January 03, 2016, 01:32:33 PM »
I am human Swiss cheese.
I am gaps knit together with angel floss.
I am an architect of the gaps.
I live with chronic gaposis.

I embrace my gaps like a high-wire artist connects with th....whoops!

Much of life is not solid. I think accepting the gaps and the limits of our reach
is a good thing.

Massive self compassion. You don't owe yourself or anyone else prescience
or massive competence. You just don't.

love to you,
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

sKePTiKal

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Re: Becoming "me"
« Reply #14 on: January 04, 2016, 07:50:15 AM »
December was a rough month, to put it mildly.

My "present" became the "past" in that month, and I had to make that transition kicking and screaming, it seems. End of November was pure shock, I think. But I had enough adrenalin, momentum and my whole existence revolved around his physical needs, long enough - that I sailed through those first few weeks. Following seas and all that.

I've been disconnected from the sentimental side of the holidays, long enough that it wasn't much of a factor; compared to "OK, he's not coming back. What do I do now?" I think what was said about making space in house, for "me", was spot on. Been cleaning carpet in the master & sitting room - my office, and what was supposed to be my tai chi practice space. Removing the stuff I kept just because he liked it. "Editing" things down to what functions, what feels balanced (in my own little universe of aesthetics). I co-opted his sink top for my stuff. His office has had piles of paper sorted & recycled or added to the shred bin. His closets downstairs have been emptied out (and that floor now looks like a hoarder's yard sale) - so I can remove stuff that has only been taking up space and isn't used; just things he "had to have". His legos can stay; Logan is at the age he's entertained for hours with them - and Harper is old enough now, that I can donate the baby toys in that closet.

I hit a brick wall of resistance to doing the paperwork necessary for probate, and for the cpa. Just couldn't go there. Untangling Mike's way of organizing, doing things... and making them make sense to me and everyone else... blech. But I'm almost done. Should be able to email one file today, and the cpa doesn't need the other one till after 4/15. Have to follow up with health insurance; that might be all tangled up because I don't seem to speak the same language as government bureaucrats.

Bunch of little things and errands to do this week; getting a massage today. Maybe stop at the grocery for some fresh salad ingredients. I made myself a little roast with onions, carrots & potatos yesterday. The house smelled so good.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.