Author Topic: New username... continuation of epic  (Read 7078 times)

sKePTiKal

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New username... continuation of epic
« on: April 03, 2013, 12:06:48 PM »
Ya, so I logged out and guests can read here. I will try to be careful, Hops!  ;)

I'm just in the emo processing phase now, and honestly forget what I'm typing as I'm trying to say things that are difficult to say.

A has tried to tell her Dad, that H doesn't want the kids. That we were such pushy, white, damn yankees that we p'O'd the DSS people. Which is not what happened; and we never picked up on anything like that... were polite, didn't swear (much), were coherent and never made threats. Unlike A. Whopper of a projection, probably.

Anyway, no chance of Dad buying it as he's been very supportive and validating of H all through this. I think he called it "a bunch of lies". And this is a first, for H and Dad. When the girls lived with him - he used to blame H for all the things A was doing. So, hey - it's another silver lining to come out of the swill.

H is finally feeling better; can sense her "edges" now and working lots of shifts, for the folks who covered for her while she was gone. Balt DSS has checked in with her to find out what's going on -- and said with an interstate compact in place the boys will be eligible (and H too) for all their services... including a good eval, treatment recommendations, etc.

The DSS foster care coordinator called me back today. Boys are separated; have visited with each other. They're being good and following rules -- and the investigation continues, as does an evaluation of the boys individually and development of a treatment plan. She would check with her supervisor, if she could share that with us after I explained that it was important info for H to have, in order to make a final decision about whether she would attempt to take custody and care for the boys. Hippaa laws and all that; I told her I understood from my days in higher ed, and that was just fine, I understood.

H sent the boys easter baskets to the DSS office. They'll get delivered with the message that we still love them, and care what happens and that even though we're also having to work through this process, we haven't really gone anywhere as far as they're concerned.

And now we wait.
« Last Edit: April 03, 2013, 12:08:45 PM by sKePTiKal »
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sKePTiKal

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Re: New username... continuation of epic
« Reply #1 on: April 04, 2013, 08:54:10 AM »
Yesterday was an anxious day. Brain not working too well, either. H and I talked early in the day and she mentioned a friend she'd been worried about during our adventures into hell, finally got back in touch and she might go visit him that afternoon.

I'd passed on the info from DSS, how to redeem her massage gift card, via text message... and I still hadn't gotten a response by evening. Not an OK, or a thanks, or whatever. Right before bedtime, I called her and she reminded me where she was, what she was doing... and I realized I'd just had another "worried-mom-anxiety-attack" again. Hubs said: you've been like this the whole day. And he's right. He's still waiting for me to "come home".

Preoccupied... intrusive thoughts... a lurking gloom. Yeah, I really need a day off from all this. And as good as it does feel - to get it off my chest sans shame, if I'm talking about it - I'm also feeling it - and I'm not really moving on, until it's time to participate again. I literally dropped the things I was doing, the projects I'm working on; to deal with this tsunami of crap, that's not even mine. For the same old reason of course: because someone has to. And this time, I was trying to keep H within her boundaries... and not doing the exact same thing as Mom... and trying to get A to deal with some of this herself, or at least admit it NEEDS to be dealt with. NOW. (H was remarkably "good" at expressing herself clearly even about horribly upsetting topics; even when emotionally engaged with powerful emotions... she always remained in control of what she wanted to say; the lawyer was quite impressed with the characteristic we've always known about her: she's a force of nature. An "elemental". Super-intense... but always intentional and controlled.)

DUH. I guess we keep on making the same mistakes until it finally sinks in - that we do this to ourselves. No one's forcing me to do this. And even if it's "the right thing to do" -- it carries with it the risk, of falling right back into old patterns again.  Except for too much coffee and too many cigarettes... deep in thought, processing, or talking through things with H... the old self-abuse pattern in reaction to being the person it automatically falls to do something, because someone HAS to... didn't really take me over... and not even the grief (which is a stronger reaction than anger this go-round) not even the grief is strangling me, trying to get out and just feel it. Doesn't take much at all to just feel.

And old Twigs hasn't been scared into standing apart from "me", either. I think she's sort of whispering every now & then... support... but she's been shocked into being quiet and just watching and silently digesting the "crazy". Comparing: her mom and A. A is worse, she thinks. What the boys have been through is waaaaaaaayyyyy worse than her tale of woe, too; in her opinion. So, it's Twigs who knows how to reach and connect with them; who can speak their language; and untwist the tangled ball of yarn of the puzzle that is each of them. Like taming a feral cat... with patience, gentleness, and building trust. Twigs is a master of that.

And I feel as if I've lost a daughter. I don't know what A did with her, but she is gone. H feels as if she's lost a sister, too. So, my minor anxiety over H, is kinda "normal" - although forgetting what she told me hours before, worries me. That's not a good sign. So maybe I need to spend some more time with my puzzle game, which seems to really help that problem. It gives all those verbal, structured processes a good rest... and lets instinct and reaction take over for awhile and exercise it's "magic power" to help us feel better. Play-therapy, I guess.
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sKePTiKal

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Re: New username... continuation of epic
« Reply #2 on: April 06, 2013, 08:51:18 AM »
Ya, so I figured a little thing out. The puzzle game, needlepoint, artwork - keep my monkey mind engaged without having to fully engage left-brain processes in verbalizing or problem-solving... and those activities are kind of like a brain "time out"... a brain massage... a break from the constant yada-yada-yada going on. A real REST.

Movies and reading work a little differently. They replace the awful pictures (and associated emotions) in my mind with something else that's just as vivid and engrossing. It's kinda like moisturizing body-wash for the brain.

Something new going on, is my secure, direct communication with the old creaky body. I'm hearing loud and clear what it wants & needs, now... lots of big green salads with yummy veggies and cheeses... some light outdoor exercise, in the form of "making order" and "organizing" - cleaning up the winter & storm mess; weeds that have been ignored long enough to become annoying to "she who wants to control all of her domain"... (tee-hee!)... and have it look "perfect", or at least respectable. And to my relief, the stress that we lived through immediately shook 5 lbs off the bowling ball gut and hasn't immediately returned - and even that much feels way better. Probiotics have helped that, too. Monday, I get a deep releasing massage, with the lady who teaches massage and saw immediately where I was holding tension, stress and anxiety.

And I'll need to figure out where I was on my "project list" - reprioritize it/schedule it - and start picking up where I left off again. Midweek, next week, is A's court date here in my state. The charges she thinks will be dismissed. I'm not going. Don't know how they handle these things with people who are out of state - not finding out either - don't really care. The boys are being well-looked after and their evaluation is providing more "proof" for the investigation in her state... and we've been given enough "clues" by people to understand that this story - of what's really been going on - could get much worse than it already is. Perhaps drugs; prostitution; perhaps more with the boys than we've heard to date...

and as far as that goes, substance abuse counseling only tackles her easy-go-to coping mechanism... it's the deeper therapy that I know has the only chance of making it possible for A to change the course of her life, change her seat-seated weirdisms... or find some way of managing herself and life, differently than she has all this time. It will be interesting to see if she sticks with it or runs from it. I ran away a couple of times; ran back, too.

I must remember: despite feeling like we accomplished a lot so far, that the mission of DSS is to re-unite and strengthen families. That's a built-in conflict of interest, with protecting and doing the best thing for the boys. Seems like there should be someone else advocating for the boys, and their needs, to me. Setting conditions for their mom, for re-establishing a trust-relationship. And A's most well-developed skill is being able to weave a deception to work her magic will over others... and how important the boys were to her strategy for accomplishing that (while completely neglecting them at the same time). We have asked, previously, for permission to verify "results" of A's work in both areas of recovery with the respective care providers. We simply aren't going to take A's word for anything like "facts" or "truth" or "promises", anymore. That's a whole 'nother endeavor, best left for another time.

Another week of "normal", and I might even see the possibility of getting back on "top" of understanding all this again. Dealing only with one chunk at a time, right now.
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sKePTiKal

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Re: New username... continuation of epic
« Reply #3 on: April 13, 2013, 08:28:17 AM »
Time to go back to the beginning of the saga.

Wednesday, was the court date for the original arrest - drunk & disorderly, resisting arrest - in my state. A blacked out during this incident, and therefore doesn't remember a lot of what she did. She was arguing, swearing at the boys - who were trying to calm her down and other passengers. Amtrak removed her from the train at one of their stations hours west of where I live. She continued with this behavior, and conveniently, the police station was across the street... the station officials had her arrested. At which point, DSS got involved because the boys were now unsupervised. More like abandoned, to my way of thinking. The 10 days in jail which A served, was for an additional charge: contempt of court. Guess she told the magistrate what she thought of the charges... and tried to push her delusional version of events into being harassed and denied her rights. Just a guess. It was probably uglier than that, given what I've seen since.

She actually appeared in court, with a lawyer. The charges were DISMISSED.

::shrug::  Who knows why? She is not a state resident; her state's DSS was already involved in additional charges; she has been SAYING that she's getting treatment (we can't verify that); and maybe they simply didn't want to have to deal with her again. (The last bit, I can understand.)

I have not spoken to her, since I was there. I really needed the space away from the crazy. She called Thursday... I was expecting a call from my CPA... and noticed as I was picking up, who it was. So, OK - I'd bite the bullet and talk to her. (Everything I know up to this point, has come through my other D - H...). My curiosity was getting the better of me... was anything sinking in yet? With her claims of being 30 days sober, was she any more rational? (We know about curiosity and cats... but I took the leap, anyway.)

So, from her conversation about the dismissal, it's clear that she thinks all she will be required to do is appear to be going through the "treatment" - which includes AA, substance abuse counseling, and she is seeing a personal counselor - again, she SAYS. And that she'll show up in court, blame everything on her drinking and the oldest boy's "autism" and hormones at 12-13; and go through the procedures... get her kids back, go back and finish her nursing program, and tra-la-la-la... life is still good, for A.

The next court date is May 6. The charges are providing porn to a minor and "unlawful neglect of a child or helpless person". So far. These are the criminal charges, stemming from the DSS investigation. Family court will convene after the school year ends, with DSS, to determine custody of the boys. The boys are in separate foster homes, still in the same school - and those folks have heard our side of the issues and will keep close watch on the boys, their behavior and improvements or issues, and most importantly - they are getting some treatment, after a forensic interview, also. This will more than likely be used as evidence, in the custody proceedings.

A was complaining that the boys weren't together, so I explained that this was SOP when child abuse was involved. The rest of the conversation was mostly her spewing her denial and delusion that there IS no abuse... they don't HAVE any symptoms. And it doesn't matter what I witnessed with my own eyes... I'm wrong because I don't live there and I'm not the mom. (As I mentioned in the other thread... this started me shaking, as I tried to control my own reaction to "crazy".) What I did say, was that I knew what I knew, I saw what I saw, and that on this particular topic we were going to have to agree to disagree and we'll see how DSS interprets things.

A said she was real worried, when I wouldn't talk to her. (It was what? a week? 10 days?) She said I've always been her "rock", go-to, etc. She has absolutely NO CONCEPT of what being that for her, has cost me emotionally. To her, it's evidence that she is OK (approval)... that despite the big pot of swill she's cooked up for herself and fallen into... it's OK, because Mom is still there. I know Hops knows what idea this gives me... and what I'm tempted to do... simply because I know I'm being abused in this relationship -- and lord knows I don't need any more abuse from my own damn family. I told her: remember Mom's rule - you are to always tell me the TRUTH, no matter how bad it is... no matter how angry I get... because I'm still going to love you no matter what. I told her: I still love you right now. But I am very, very angry... and you don't even know or care WHY I'm angry. So sometimes, it's better for me to just go away... because I don't have anything nice, helpful, or constructive to say... and I'm just silent instead.

She is still blaming S - and this made-up, undocumented autism (more like lifelong emotional & physical abuse) - for the fix she is in. And that there is nothing wrong, nothing happened at all to poor little confused I. The one who's 9 and can't tie his shoes, because no one reminds him how, or to do it... who doesn't know and isn't reminded to wipe his butt clean... who shivers and shrinks away from even a comforting, it's time to go sleep back rub... and who - right along with S, both of 'em asleep - put their arms up in the air and acted out the motions of pushing something away... at 2 am. The one who mimics A's defiant, warped sense of right/wrong, and personal freedom without personal responsibility. All 3 of us - S included - have at times, had to remind I, to be "himself"; to stop being a kitty; to understand that we like him better as him... not so much, when he's imitating "crazy people".

And that level of denial and delusion on A's part, infuriates me. And I'm not buying - "well, it was all because I was drinking", either. I'm just not buying that excuse. I know better - because sober - it's exactly the same thing and has BEEN exactly the same since she was 9 or 10. I took my fury out on the front beds - which with one thing or another - I hadn't even cleaned up for a long time; at least a year - some places 2 years. Working slow, methodically... judiciously pruning palm trees... trying to estimate how much mulch/rocks I need to put down.

Over the weekend, I'm cleaning house. The pollen is just awful right now. Next week, I'm ready for the big job in the beds around back - that frame the pool; this is where most of my raised beds for veggies are going because of easy water access.

And I'll think about going NC completely with A. I won't decide... I'll just think about it. One other reason I decided to talk to her, is because we have very, very poor communications with DSS - and they aren't able to tell us much. I have pointed out & formally requested that H will need, at the very least, an assessment of how deeply the boys have been impacted and an idea of what kind, and how much treatment they should have... to even be able to make an informed decision on her & fiance's CAPABILITY of providing same for the boys. She said she'd have to check with her supervisor about what she could/couldn't pass on. I said OK, I understand.

That was two weeks ago.
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sKePTiKal

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Re: New username... continuation of epic
« Reply #4 on: May 21, 2013, 07:11:58 AM »
So, update:

Nothing's changed. The family court date was continued and it only meets once a month.

Boys are still in foster care; S was recommended for a psych eval... as was his mom, A. That happens today. She's anxious about it. It was the one thing I really wanted to come out of all this drama. There is something I sense re: A that I can't grasp with my brain... it's a flash here and there, of my mom... and of something that I can't understand. I'm hoping that the eval will help her therapist help her. She's kept up with her substance abuse counseling and still seeing her therapist. Mom (me) helped A move back into a nicer, safer place to live. A is also investigating a short certification course, to be able to increase her income.

So far so good, baby steps are STILL progress.

It hasn't been easy tho. I've been screamed at over the phone - only to find out that was A's way of asking for "mom hugs" - sorry, I hung up. I explained later that I had to protect that mom from that kind "conversation". She doesn't get how that kind behavior triggers bad feelings and associations for me. She feels more comfortable talking to H, these days... and H told her like it was. We've since had more civilized normal conversations, but there is still an uneasiness.

It's like A & I need to have a starting point. A place to begin from again... where I can trust her, she can talk to me, and there is really a REAL A there, that I'm talking to... not some character that she's concocted because that's what she thinks other people want her to be. She's been working on her different characters since she was 10... and I don't know if she's even aware of slipping into those characters anymore. But, I can recognize the real A when she makes an appearance... and that's who I want to have a relationship with.

According to H, she is making progress. But it's a long journey. A is only just now realizing she might've damaged her relationship with her kids, through her behavior. What matters, I guess, is that she DID realize it.
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sKePTiKal

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Chapter 2: new subplot
« Reply #5 on: July 16, 2013, 06:35:00 AM »
So: the kids are still in foster care, A is doing what she is supposed to do -- has hit the angry phase, and normal life problems are triggering more stress and anger... but there is progress, in that she's talking about it more... and there is real anguish about her kids not being with her. H "tried out" a new career last week - special effects for movie/tv production. And loved it! I haven't heard her so energized in a positive way, in a long, long time.

I am just now shaking off the usual withdrawal/cocoon/fetal position "heal thyself" torpor and getting back into business stuff...

and my bro calls yesterday afternoon. Strange time for him... but since his therapist and he were playing phone tag, I get that he needed someone to talk to - and it wound up being me. SIL and mom have escalated from a "cold war" stance... to more skirmish-oriented, physical confrontations. There have been a couple incidents; two weeks ago SIL was into it with the oldest D - and trying to kick her out of the house for some infraction; Mom got involved - told her she wasn't going to let her (SIL) abuse D anymore... and pushed her. Several times.

Yesterday's drama involved the younger boy - but he was only the catalyst. He let the dog out without a leash; Mom was going to go call dog, and get him on the leash. SIL insisted it was under control; Mom insisted she was gonna do it anyway... and went out the door, chased by SIL and they threw punches. Even at 80, Mom has SIL outweighed by a good 80 lbs or more.

Bro got 2 calls - first from SIL, either mom goes or she does. She was packing and taking kids with her. Then, Mom called and said she was outside the house and had called the police. D was with bro, for a sports camp. This all happened in the 30 minutes from house to campus, for bro. For the first time, I think he's seriously considering letting SIL go. She's refused to continue work with the therapist, simply because she doesn't like some of the questions she's asked... and my mom is seeing her, too. Will not find another. SIL's mom calls her (inappropriately) bi-polar because her moods are extreme and unpredictable. And my mom - well - she too has a trigger point where she completely loses her mind and does the Dr. Jekyll, Mr. Hyde trick; I hope to never witness it again in my life.

Bro suggested sending Mom to visit me for the rest of the summer. I didn't have to think, before saying No. I'd be crazy in 24 hours and M won't come down here, anyway. He talked for most of the call about what divorce is really like... what's involved. His kids are 14 and 12. Plus Mom has been around as nanny all their lives - and he does not need his job for the money, anymore. He continues working, just to avoid the tension at home. That is the only reason. But it allows the tension to fester and grow, too. They're ALL too far away from facing reality, to even broach the subject of bro's relationship with mom... and how this is a big part of the problem... to look for solutions.

And since Mom likes to agree to a solution, until it's almost complete... then find fault with every single detail... well. I let him talk... I gave him some more realistic information about divorce than the blueprint he thinks is applicable to all situations: my mom and dad and all the violence and trauma of that situation. (Which he apparently remembers nothing of, btw; just scary feelings.) He was under the impression that moms always, in all circumstances get custody. He knows nothing of the legal/financial side of it -- not even whether MI is a common law state or not. But he was most curious about a fail-safe clause in our business documents that would protect his half of the company... should he have to defend his assets from an aggressive divorce lawyer. He sees his financial advisor today and I referred him to our corp lawyer, for a referral to the BEST divorce lawyer he knew. Told bro - go find out the real answers to your questions; I can only give you general information.

And I asked him to keep me in the loop, because things I can do to help, are going to require some lead time. Like a couple months, at the least. Long distance lawyers and such. I left him with some questions to answer for himself about the relationship and situation. My mom now wants to move back "home". But, I don't believe that she can live independently for much longer. So, that would require assisted living arrangements. I didn't suggest that yet. I need to see if I can find out what's available and where and how much. (I'm betting $50 that mom will back out because she'd be separated from her piles and piles of "stuff" and that's just not possible for her.)

I didn't get any follow up calls from anyone last night... so I have no idea how things turned out. I did point out the possibility that the whole thing would blow over by the time he got home... and sympathized with the dread he felt even thinking about going home. Neither SIL or Mom really cares about what he wants. He's the odd man out, in this situation; ironically enough. So I introduced the idea that self-preservation isn't a bad thing. I'll call him today, after I've had a chance to research assisted living in OH... and see if that would fly with the impossible to please Nmom queen (and the impossible to please Nmom-acting SIL).

I'm not about to don my "peacemaker" super-big-sister cape and do any more than this, in this situation. THAT'S a thankless job, and dangerous, too.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

sKePTiKal

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Re: New username... continuation of epic
« Reply #6 on: July 17, 2013, 06:14:19 AM »
LOL... so I waited all day for an update from my bro... and finally heard from my mom last evening. Things did blow over... everyone calmed down. SIL is supposed to go back to therapist (we'll see...). Now, it will be interesting to see whether bro just coasts some more or if I can get him to make the business decisions that he's ignored for 5 years, which would help him in case he ever does face divorce.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

sKePTiKal

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Re: New username... continuation of epic
« Reply #7 on: August 04, 2013, 07:15:16 AM »
SIGH.

I'm so sick of this particular family-pecking order- role. Intolerant of it, in fact. Allergic to it, physically even.

So, Friday... winding up an extended stay with Hub's D and her family staying with us. It was a good (affordable) vacation for them and easy with the 5 yr old and new Granddaughter (who's delightful even at 6 months). They are all "normals"... and I can let my usual boundaries down; it's OK to do this... because they step up and help with almost everything and disrupt my silly ocd-coping with selfish Ns patterns. We were lazy; we went out and had fun; and were lazy some more!

Getting on toward supper, my mom calls. I know bro is picking up an RV and beginning the classic driving summer vaca with his kids and wife. (Think Chevy Chase's Vacation movies... but way more unpleasant and dysfunctional; can't wait to hear all about it - not.) I know mom is looking forward to time alone and peace and quiet... able to just be without all the crap around her. So, my usual defenses weren't up... I was just being  "normal" and just moving along in that space and figured I could spare the half hour or so of my usual just listening to her ramble.

[Role; part 1 = playing therapist for my mom] Letting her empty her head, say stuff she doesn't feel she can say in the situation around her, I figure is at least a good pressure release. Most of the time, this goes in one ear and out the other. All this time, I'm not a real person to her - someone who has guests; might have to go potty; might have a life of my own I might want to talk about. I'm used to that.

[Role; part 2 = being a proxy mom to my bro; BECAUSE he is the GC - and I don't matter] This is the part I "saw" in full force, felt the knife twisted through vital organs, felt the breath leave my body... but it's all OK according to mom, because it's for GC bro. My 54 yr old GC bro... who has his own blocked trauma memories; who has a different memory version than I remember (thanks to the relative recognition of each of us in the pecking order and different chronological trauma/experience); and who can't, even when his life depends on it, deal with his own mess like a grown-up. Even when I spell it out for him... the pros and cons... what the decisions consist of... and remind him he's the one who has to decide, because he's the one who has to live with the result of the decision: and no one knows just what that will be.

I wasn't "prepped" to deal with this, no distance; no force field of boundary... and it hit me like a ton of bricks.

Essentially, my mom was asking me to find a way to force or con or manipulate my bro to divorce his wife, and to take care him after she's gone. It's "for the kids", you know. [Another painful irony... how many times did I hear - I only stayed for you kids... sigh.]

The height of the insanity was my mom saying she'd heard a word she'd forgotten, but that it applied to everyone in that household (except her, of course)... the word was "narcissist". [Oh, hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! But no, I didn't laugh with my mouth. And I didn't fall for it, either.]

It probably didn't help, that we watched the Hobbit, then all of the Lord of the Rings during the evenings. I've only read TLOTR 12 times; it's like being a Trekkie, I guess. I was even trying to learn how to read/write Elven script at one point... sigh. So, the evil whispers of Saruman... and the horrible power of the "ring" to bend people's will to Sauron's... were all fresh in my memory again and so APT an analogy for my experience of my FOO. It left me about as empty as one of the Ringwraiths... and about as tortured, too.

...

But it passed. I dipped a toe back into that role and it's just as poisonous as ever. And maybe the elves will invite me to go to the west with them, where there is no evil like this. Maybe I have to stay, to try to hold back the evil, too. Don't know. But I do know I get to control what interactions I have with these two people -- and WHY it's important to my own health -- to keep them at a distance. That was too close for comfort.

Tricksie, they are.
« Last Edit: August 04, 2013, 07:20:40 AM by sKePTiKal »
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sKePTiKal

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Re: New username... continuation of epic
« Reply #8 on: September 08, 2013, 06:59:10 AM »
Phew... I think I've had enough of "other people's problems" for this year! Some of my old struggles have resurfaced - like the magic of therapy "wore off" or some silly idea like that... but I'll get back to that later.

So, A and the boys are re-united again. Court date middle of last month; A has been doing pretty well keeping up with work, her EMT classes and going to AA meetings... she has a sponsor now, too. Someone besides me and H to contact for support - a good thing. The judge said, that all things considered, with A's progress the boys should go home... but, there were some ground rules. (And I guess she ripped DSS a new one for how they handled things, too; H was at the hearing and mentioned something about this.)

No overnight male guests (which A doesn't understand and more than likely comes from the results of the boy's therapy conversations); family counseling for 6 months; and the oldest boy, while slightly ASpie, has no learning disabilities - so he requires intense tutoring to come up to grade level. (He is so far behind, because A believed he couldn't do any better... ran that story without diagnosis or documentation at the school, and they accepted it and separated him from general classes... sigh... and because no kid can be expected to concentrate and be engaged in school stuff when they're emotionally upset all the time). I can only imagine what this kid could be like without dealing with that kind of obstacle... and I hope I get to see it, soon. One thing he is NOT anymore, is voiceless!  :)

He'll be 13 next month and therapy has helped him speak up about what he WANTS, to have the confidence in himself that he matters and is important to people (which is still a work in progress)... that his feelings matter. He is physically bigger than A, now... but that side of his development has been neglected too. H and I are brainstorming ideas to remedy that.

I talked to his younger brother about birthday presents - his birthday is also next month - and heard the same old refrain about how he wants a kitty... which tells me he still doesn't trust that he's safe; doesn't really feel safe, in the situation. And I know A works irregular hours, has class until late at night a couple days a week (till the end of the year) and was going to try to continue to go to meetings (which she needs).

I haven't talked to her since the week the boys got home. A lot going on at my business this year, too. But, we agreed that I would help with a couple things: someone to stay with the boys... and tutoring for S. The glaring thing that hasn't changed is that A still can't put the boys needs ahead of hers, can't bend her life to accommodate them... and truly doesn't see the importance of this. SIGH. A hasn't made the effort to initiate these two things; if I suggest or offer -- then she's resentful, angry, and mean... twists it into I'm "judging her"... and it fuels all the old delusional crap... and I think that's one reason I keep my distance from her. Of course, this is also her self-fulfilling prophecy of being all alone, being a victim, etc.... because she pushes people away. [and I must protect myself, when dealing with this kind of crazy - no matter who the person is]

At the shop, our bookkeeper is 71. We hired a new guy to relieve her of the office manager tasks, and to bring that part of the administration to a professional level. He is also supposed to learn the books - so that when she's ready to retire, it'll be no fuss, no worry, etc. Well, he's gung-ho and overconfident (and possibly exaggerated his experience) and rushes in and makes mistakes, doesn't ask when he's not sure... and she's scared to death that she'll get stuck sorting out the mess he makes. And he also brings the attitude that he's able to tell her what to do, too... and make changes as he sees fit. She's been with the company for almost 30 years. He tried to tell me what to do, too... and well... LOL, that brought about a mini-meltdown reminiscent of dealing with my old N-boss! You don't tell the owner of the company what to do if you wish to keep your head on your shoulders; sheesh...

HOO BOY, have I gotten some LONG, upset phone calls!! My guy in charge, has a lot on his plate as we're building an addition and investing in a second custom machine (we're talking a big bucks gamble)... and frankly, we both know he's not that good at sorting out these kinds of people issues. Not sure I am, either! LOL... but I do know what I want to happen.

My brother is actually funny, about all this. He said, well... we knew this was gonna happen. So now, it's happening. See why I don't like change??? If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

And I had to come back with - well, business changes all the time; people get old, they retire, and not everybody likes everybody else and plays nice together. He can make funnies; I'm the one taking the phone calls. And everyone at the shop knows it, too... but he still doesn't see it -- kinda like A and the boys.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

sKePTiKal

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Re: New username... continuation of epic
« Reply #9 on: September 24, 2013, 06:22:10 AM »
OK... so the end result of all this drama... is that A has physical custody of the kids and they're back in the "good school". Last week, there was a hearing re: legal custody which was continued. A thinks it's because her lawyer didn't show up. But, then... A managed to "forget" or not remember the day of S's appointment for an in-depth psych eval. It's rescheduled for Thursday. It's a requirement that the judge stipulated after the forensic psych investigation.

According to DSS, A has done everything that they required of her. But, between classes for an EMT certification, working as many hours as she can to keep paying bills... the boys are left with whomever A can find to keep an eye on them. At the moment, that's her "friend with benefits" - a mechanic. At least he plays football with the boys and helps them with their homework. (way better improvement) But the court stipulated that A should not "entertain" any of her male friends, overnight... which I guess confirms my worst perceptions about how A has been living.

A however, "doesn't have time for AA meetings". Hasn't kept in touch with her sponsor -- and came out and said that she considers her sister H and I, her support group. Groovy - except we're hundreds of miles away and don't trust her. I got a complete tirade on what was wrong with being forced to have S go through a psych eval... and the words were: "He'll feel it's such an invasion of his privacy; it's not right." When she finally took a breath, I was able to tell her: "you can't possibly know what S feels; just because YOU might feel that way doesn't mean S will". She actually stopped and took that in for a second, before continuing on about what an inconvenience it is -- to her.

And that's where she remains: it's all about her. She hasn't tried to look for a tutor for S. They aren't going to family counseling. She says she's not drinking; she may not be -- but she's substituting something else, or has serious issues that can only be resolved in a one on one series of therapy. For his birthday and Christmas this year, H and I are brainstorming gifts for S that are a communications lifeline for him. Phone and computer (with appropriate parental controls!  which A is too busy to set up, much less monitor; I can do that long distance). A will be angry and upset -- because we're only supposed to only know the version of their life, that she spins out; it's the only "truth" and there can't be different ones... that's just psych gobbledy-gook, to her. In other words, total control over and isolation of -- the kids.

I got no response to my suggestion that she look for a local Big Brother/Big Sister; she refuses to get them signed up for any sports or other extra-curricular activities... and says they don't need friends. After she doesn't have any!! And she's just peachy, you know?

I have one more card up my sleeve... which is the foster care coordinator at Dss. I'm going to call and ask if they have a list of tutoring resources, daycare options, big brothers, etc. What I can do to help A out. Sneaky, yes. But I don't want to trigger more pull back away from and shut us out behavior; yet someone has to get involved. A has told H that she blames us for the kids being taken away. H came back, with: you were out of control -- the kids were taken away when you were arrested in the train station.

Yet at the same time, I have a clear sense that A is looking for a full-time mommy - for herself. Yet she cuts me off at the knees at every "mommyism" offered up. Sort of a "I really need you" and when you (sighing heavily) make the requested attempt yet again - then you are slammed with the full force of a long-stewing, fermenting hostility that induces nausea. Well, duh. This mommy doesn't do that... for someone who's had every opportunity to help herself... people who care who try to help... who only get blamed, hurt, and despised... over & over. A thinks since she's not drinking, that she's "well" now.

Mom knows she's got a whole lot more work to do. And in the meantime, H and I aren't going to let those boys get treated like crap again.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

sKePTiKal

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Re: New username... continuation of epic
« Reply #10 on: September 30, 2013, 07:28:26 AM »
Well. My dreams don't pussyfoot around...

I woke up this morning, right after dreaming about A chattering away about herself, as I was getting in the car to go somewhere... and when she tried to get in... I told her in my "command voice", to "get the F out of my car, NOW"...

doesn't get much clearer than that, does it?
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

sKePTiKal

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Re: New username... continuation of epic
« Reply #11 on: December 14, 2013, 06:56:21 AM »
Life is stranger than fiction, some days. And it always strikes me speechless with AWE when I see the justice of the universe at work.

A and the boys have been doing pretty good - life is still a day to day struggle. The "nicer" place they moved to didn't have heat/a-c when she moved in, and it's being installed as a relative of landlord has time. A's car gave up it's transmission on a trip to visit friends for Thanksgiving. She had stopped at a rest area and couldn't get it in drive again. She was close enough to her friend's, that help was close at hand. And I ended up, "talking her through it"... car still isn't fixed, but again - it's being worked on; meanwhile she's driving a rental... so very little missed work, school, etc.

She's still avoiding setting up a time for the oldest boy's psych eval; I've decided not to harass her about it -- it was the judge who ordered it; I'll let the judge enforce it.

A called early Wed morning and of course, I thought: "Oh NO... now what?" She was calling to tell me, that the abusive husband that she separated from two-three years ago (but not legally separated) had died in a car accident earlier in the week. He was older than her Dad and wasn't very healthy anyway. She was all freaked out because the Sheriff was trying to get in touch with her, to tell her. So, she was a bit frantically discombobulated trying to absorb the information, feelings about this flying all over the place, and no practical experience of what happens next.

She was given two lawyers' numbers to call. She knows that when they separated, the Ex didn't have any credit - so there may not be any big debt's she's obligated for. He told stories - lies mostly - about owning property in other countries, bank accounts, etc. I cautioned her about getting her hopes up, for any financial windfall and set her about the task of contacting the lawyers as soon as she could and writing down everything they tell her. I don't think she realized at the time, that she's probably also responsible for the remains. That might freak her out... might not.

I do know that while she won't admit it - she has GOT to be swimming in a huge pool of relief. I'm hoping she's told the boys. They also deserve to know that this awful person can't come hurt them again. And it's an opportunity for all of them, to gain some closure on that episode of their lives. Which is - miraculously - how she seems to be taking this. There's no open "revenge relishing" or happy dance (privately, who knows???).

But she's also not sugar-coating what she experienced with him, either.

So, I'm in "stand back and watch" mode... she has an opportunity to grow here, regain her authentic voice/self... which I've noticed on each phone call has been coming through clearer and clearer. She doesn't just babble; make noise; play a role... she's been communicating louder and clearer and in her "real voice" (she does several accents to go along with her "episodes" - and I guess it helps express her feelings??).

I know H and I are ready for some closure and for A to step into and take charge of the demands of her current life situation. Don't need anything else for Christmas, really. I'll be more than happy to see this happen.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.