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It's a relief to let expectations drift, preferably away.  It provides new vantages to glimpse possible other outcomes, Amber. 

Lately I'm trying to stay in the moment, and simply assume, good or bad, it's right on track, wherever it goes.

Getting curious, opposed to needing, wanting, better.


Hi Tupps.... you said something about focusing on a specific outcome you wanted.

So, I wonder... have you actually written those specifics of WHY that outcome is important or longed for, down? And looked to see if maybe more than one outcome could actually provide them? Or maybe it would be ok if only 70% of your well-defined outcome happened? What would you consider "good enough"?

You KNOW, that if at any time a choice you make turns out to be less satisfying than you'd hoped for or something completely different (it happens)... you CAN change your mind and not lose any "points" with some fictional judge who's keeping score, right?? You won't even get thrown out of the "game" for unsportsmanlike or unladylike conduct.

I am beginning to think, that all this kind of agonizing over decisions and the processes involved (me & Holly, at least) is the flip side and co-exists with the "what I want doesn't really matter" syndrome. It's as if we're totally blind to the fact that yes, we are ones in charge, that have power in these situations... we're the ones pushing the process along... and yet we're terribly anxious, over-responsible (trying to do other people's jobs), and concerned about things going PERFECTLY... as if anything in life ever happens that way.

Oh, and the thing about over-focusing on a specific outcome? In the process of wanting just that one thing... you block out all the possible discoveries and explorations might pop up in just "surfing the waves of life" and seeing what MIGHT happen if you weren't the one deciding, in control, etc so much all the time. I've seen myself do this until I finally realized that's a limitation I'm setting. Sometimes a limitation is appropriate... but sometimes that's also the problem I'm trying to solve... by limiting my choice to just this one thing. LOL.

But then, I KNOW I'm weird this way. And sometimes I just have to grab myself by the invisible suspenders... and drag myself into something that I know will be good for me, or fun, no matter how much I think it should go a certain way... and I just have to intentionally LET GO my director's perogative.
Tupp, I'm sorry I haven't responded closely to your latest but I've read every one.

What hits me (again and again) is that whatever you are going through, you return always to your set point, which to me is clearly: intelligent, learning and moving forward, realizing, welcoming insights, forming new patterns, changing automatic reactions, and doing so so much more than "coping."

I am profoundly impressed by you at every stage, Tupp. I am really and truly awed by how you return and advance to clarity, greater clarity, more and more mature understandings of yourself and your evolving life...just all the time.

You do this over and over and over and it is awesome to witness!

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: This and That
« Last post by lighter on February 03, 2018, 02:32:19 PM »
D D15 still enjoying the boy's company.  I'm astonished by her boundaries and basically stick to what appears to be the 51% rule..... I'm in awe.  She's so smart.....truly an old soul, with a tremendous talent for physical comedy.  A lovely combination.

On the Little cottage in the Bahamas... It's time for repairs and researching the next steps.  Contractor went on day trip and has materials list.  Need to order new metal door with tamper proof hinges and an inside screen door.  Need to order hurricane shutters for doors and windows still lacking them.  Electric has problem but not sure how bad it is. 

Basically we get it in shape to sell or keep.  Not sure which.   We bring an electrician the  first planned trip, then ship major supplies for longer least 2 weeks.

I'm getting along with the contractor fine..... he's basically my father, same make and model.  An angry white man with mad skills.  Lots of opportunities for boundary work, and he likes me bc I work hard, no whining, beside him. 

I admit I worry all that together time could render me one water bug in the ear away from going over the edge, but....

The journey continues.
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Decisions
« Last post by lighter on February 03, 2018, 01:31:35 PM »
Thanks for the perspective, Amber.  And for waiting on some of the stories, though I'm feeling stronger now.

I try to relax into this whirlwind and ride as I can.  I won't know what comes next or how things end, and that's never been ok for me....not as a parent.  I'm noticing how tight I've held myself, how focused on protecting I've been, and I'm trying to step back, and give space.  Trying to see that space. 

It brings up my own teen years.  Looking at my parent's choices, and how that went, is an amazing tool.

Hi Amber.

Reading your post what cane up for me was the anger you have with the on-line dating process.  There's an old African saying..... I'm paraphrasing here....
Anger is a lazy form of grief..... something like that.

That might make sense here.  Maybe not.

About all the live, die information about what perspective dates will and won't accept....
I like information.  I tended to give information like that in dating scenarios.  Sure, it hasn't worked out for me, but I understand the need to have important issues declared.

I hope you write in your journal soon. 



Extend huge compassion for yourself on the fuzzy days.  Put your hand on your chest.... wherever the heaviest parts are....and extend curiosity and acceptance. 

You can have down times, and it's just down time.  You'll return to your Mother tiger brilliant advocate self, as always.  Just pay attention, like you are, and note what comes up.

Again, so familiar to me..... getting knocked back or down by scary paperworky things and the people with power over systems that effect us and our children.

It's the not knowing how bad it will be THIS time....driven by insane attacks through the systems.  You know more about what can happen than most.  How can you use that knowledge to benefit you, instead of get stuck in spirals of worry/ fear?

Again, extend compassion to yourself.  You've been through the wringer and have good reason to fear.  Sink into it.  Pay attention to it.  No judging. Lean into the sadness, the being stuck, the desire to escape and accept it as a part of you that belongs and deserves attention.

I suspect underlying issues will present themselves, and you can notice them.  They belong too.

IME the fuzzy down time comes when I fight it.  Accepting it, not judging it leads to understanding what's beneath.

As you've done also, addressing the mechanical parts, doing all you can do, is helpful.  Well done, Tupp.

It's time to acknowledge the old coping strategies and thank them for their service.  Let them know you're ok..... they aren't needed any longer.  They will always have a place.....they belong.... it's just that new strategies belong  too.

Just following up on that idea...

I've been feeling kinda "stuck" - as in, unsure of what's "next" for me - not wanting to commit to even having the electrician come out and hang my new chandeliers... feeling like I needed to write out the dreck in my head... and making the ASSUMPTION that it was more Mike processing... and then, not ever opening the dang journal. Just floating & drifting along, distracting myself with this & that. Trying to talk to Ronnie about projects some... getting his feedback... and still not able to really organize myself and put me in gear again.

Not Mike processing. Not this time. This is "me" processing... feeling, noticing, knocking out the routines and trying something different... or not trying anything at all. Keeping some, looking for others, letting some old crap go... and it's all me. I keep listening for echoes of Twiggy in this space; she was pretty active in the first months of adjustment to life alone - a bit freaked out and scared. But there are only faint, gentle nudges in directions - that I'd already been thinking about anyway.

It's like I put off dealing with the "me" work in progress... until I'd reached this plateau of change, healing from the grief, etc. And now I just need to put in the time here - on me, for me - and try to sense what has changed and how I'm different now.

Hmmm. I wonder how long that's going to take? Spring is on it's way, and I still have important things to work on around here, when February is in the rear view mirror. It's a significant change for sure, that I've actually put myself "on the list"... with specific improvements started.
I am cackling over here about "roll your requirements up in a tube" myself. OMG. I desperately need to figure out where I left my warped, twisted & sick sense of humor when it comes to this process. Even when Hol got that mischievioius, devious look in her eye and said: MOM. You could have so much fun with this. Make up stuff. Be creative. Don't even worry about THEM... they're doing it too. Even then, the reaction I had - but but but, this is SERIOUS stuff here.

And I think, that this is the way I've always approached this part of life. In a way, I'm projecting that hole in me that needs filling too... and it's a life or death seriousness I have about it, even if I don't make silly lists about people. And I'm looking based on my past experiences... and out of hand rejecting everything that comes along... and the reasons are legion and right there, thanks to my past. I don't think I want to re-run any past relationships... but the patterns are there; in my emotional "brain"... and of course, I'm doing the comparisons to the patterns, the deep-down non-verbal need to attach, and the rational hypervigilant, analytical - oh, no way, jose - judging.

I even tried talking to Dieter, my "guy in charge" at the shop about this. LOL... he put on his "dad" hat, knows I have that over-achiever energy... and told me to slow down, and be patient... that this will happen all in good time. Most of the time, I'm too busy to even think about it. I just don't have room in my head right now -- until I take a break like this -- to add anything else. I don't want to be that frazzled, going in that many directions at once, I kinda LIKE a more relaxed pace to things.

I think I'm putting the cart before the horse again. I'm still learning a lot about me - in this space of solitude - that I couldn't feel or see before, because there was always a relationship involved. I'm more fair in my self-judgements, and more validating than in the past... and resistant to the "shoulds" and asking "well, why NOT?"... than in the past. I know what the past me was trying to attach to, and WHY. And it would make sense that I don't need to learn those things again.

But I can't know what I'm looking for in a relationship or a guy (I know what I like; just not what the magic combination is) until I know the "new me" a little better. Yeah, I can always take my usual approach of "fly by the seat of my pants" and "surf life"... it's a good cure for boredom, but usually involves drama. Hmmmm. Guess the new me isn't as spontaneous - and that's not a word anyone would describe me with, old or new me.
Aw Bones, that's the kind of thing that's really tough, just those normal, every day activities that need to be done but that become such big jobs if your health goes.  I get your frustration with that, it's a real pain to deal with :( xx

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