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91
Hi Ernie, welcome back :)

Your mum sounds very much like my mum.  She has always played different people off against each other, she will go out of her way to say or do something she knows is hurtful but then act hurt if you bring it up.  She left myself and my sister at the mercy of our step-dad and has never had the courage to do anything to anyone's face but will create a multitude of situations behind people's backs and will often convince people someone else did it.  She controls through money and enjoys people being financially dependent on her.

The only way, in my opinion, to stop this, is to refuse the money.  People who manipulate, abuse, ridicule, lie, whatever their behaviour is, will carry on doing it regardless, because it's how they've learnt to get through life.  If you want to get off the crazy family merry go round, you have to start saying no to the crazy behaviour.  It's a funny thing because it's literally that simple, but it's also very hard to do.  But by cashing that cheque, you are handing over your power to her.  You're saying, you're right, I'm worthless.  You don't need to spend time with me or my child, you should spend all your time with my sister and encourage her to be unpleasant.  I don't deserve respect, or politeness, or your time, healthy love, good boundaries.  None of that is for me.  I honestly believe that that sort of subtext is what rattles around our bodies and our minds in situations like this and every time you take affirmative action (by cashing the cheque, for example) those negative (and untrue) messages do another circuit and settle a bit deeper inside you.

I think your distancing tactic with the text messages and phone contact is a good first step.  Next time a cheque arrives, tear it up and send a polite text - "thanks for the cheque, mum, but I'm doing okay financially and I don't need the money.  You use it for something nice for yourself".  You need to start changing the messages in your brain and you do that (in my opinion) by changing your behaviour.  The subtext of refusing the money is something along the lines of "I'm an adult.  I work hard, I'm good at what I do, I have principles and I stick by them.  I take care of myself and my family.  I enjoy a healthy relationship with myself.  I'm moving on to bigger and better things".  It's all about subtle shifts, in my opinion; you change a response that's been practised without thinking for many years and you do something different, and then the ripples start to move in a different direction :)

The first thing I did with my mum when I wanted to stop the madness altogether was to start refusing to accept her money.  It was like taking away her magic wand.  She became powerless very quickly without it.  Only recently she sent my son quite a large cheque for his birthday.  He has learning difficulties, so I manage his money for him (and she has accused me of mismanaging it in the past).  I tore up the cheque and wrote her a nice letter thanking her for the money, but pointing out that accepting it would mean putting myself at risk of being falsely accused again so I'd put it in the bin.  Could we have done with the money?  Absolutely; I'm on a low income and what she sent him would have paid for a holiday, some therapy for him, even a small car.  Is the feeling of being independent, knowing I'm a good mum and can provide well for my son, knowing that she doesn't have any power over me and she can't tie me to her in any way shape or form worth a million times more than the sum she sent me?  Absolutely :)
92
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Hello - need support
« Last post by Hopalong on June 15, 2018, 03:30:56 PM »
Hey Ernie,
I am sorry that this will disappoint you. But I'm giving you my honest best in saying it. (While I also see and acknowledge your honesty.)

I believe you are completely submerged and trapped in judging others, and that your obsession with your criticisms (most being apt) of everyone around you is blinding you to any other way of being within human community. And another way is what you desperately need.

I agreed with nearly everything you said about many others' failures to be responsible, brave, or fair. At the same time, you are displaying a stingy soul.

Compassion isn't just a concept. It's a choice. Empathy is the emotion that teaches us how to, eventually, be capable of making that choice.

Of course you must have empathy for yourself. But in self pity, you have allowed your empathy to become trapped inside you, sealed in layer after layer of resentment. It's starving for the oxygen that gets in when you release a bit to those you judge. You must let it escape.

Start small. You can do this.

Hops
PS--I know a LOT about judgment and self-pity because I majored in judgment and got a graduate degree in self-pity. It has taken me a very long time to climb most of the way out of these particular pits.
93
there it is right there.  I've been having some issues come up for me between me and my mom.  I frankly resent how she plays both sides of the fence between me and my sister, with whom I am maintain a relationship similar to that of South and North Korea (we aren't actively bombing each other at the moment, but we're still at war), trying to "keep the peace" and maintain a good relationship with both of us.  I understand this behavior on some level, but on many others I don't and Im finding it more and more disrespectful as it's meant her choice not to do anything about my sister's shabby behaviour towards me tacitly allowed my sister and father to act abusively towards me in the past and present.  My sister has never been able to say anything nice about me - I've come to accept she's just not capable of it for whatever reason, always criticizing, always put downs over a wide variety of things, for as long as I can remember.  She's also manipulative as hell, and as I've said elsewhere, is married to a man that is just like her own mother - a complete doormat.  My mom just lets her walk all over her.  I tell her she is letting her use her and she always angrily agrees with me but always has some bs reason why she can't or won't do anything about it....thats what I mean when I say "playing both sides of the fence" - she's telling me what she thinks I want to hear because she's too gutless to respond the way of a person with integrity (put her daughter in her place and be a goddamn parent for once in her life) and and because she does this with me I don't doubt for a second she's telling my sister whatever she wants to hear about me (I'm hurting for money, I'm this, I'm that, whatever) .  She's always acted this way, and since I've allowed myself to be aware its going on, I'm getting less and less tolerant of her cowardly routine. 

The last several months she's been doing my sisters bidding pretty steady running all her errands, kissing her rear end on everything, and has virtually nothing to do with me or my child....all while telling me everything she's doing for my sister and her kids.  It's occurred to me this kind of behavior has been going on for quite some time.  My family is so messed up like this I didn't even think for decades there was anything wrong with this kind of behavior.  She's never really had much to do with my child or me for that matter, and its all relating to both of us superficially, superficial interest.  She'll jump for my sister but never really puts in any effort for me or my daughter.  If there is any attention, it's always related to money.  She gives her money like crazy, but make zero effort to spend time with her, much like with me.  But she will jump backwards over a barbed wire fence to serve my sister and her kids, and then tell me about everything she did for them,  always, that's always the way its been. 

I think maybe she knows now I've figured the game out and seen that her concern for me and my child is pretty superficial and I've been keeping my distance.  Whenever she texts, it's always about herself, never any questions about my life, so I ask one question of her, and then don't respond if there's no effort to engage me about my life, and usually whatever she is talking about it just dies on the vine. 

This is when the cheques surface.  I didn't respond to several of her texts last week because I didnt want to as it looked like she was fishing for attention,  I had not spoken to her in over a week, again, because I didn't want to, and mysteriously, for no apparent reason, I get a cheque for $200 in the mail "for all that you do, hearts and kisses, love mom".  What a load of bullshit.  She just wants attention and needs supply off me, and seems to be trying to manipulate me into having contact with her by waving a cheque in front of me.  Give him money, he'll pay attention to you then, all he cares about his money....which is just not true.  Its just so disingenuous it makes me mad - but I still cashed it, as well, I need the $$.

What the hell do you do in situations like this?  I know I'm allowing it to continue by cashing the cheque but...she knows I'm still hurting financially so she seems to be taking advantage of it.  And also in my family tree - not just my immediate family, but parents siblings as well - they give money as that's their way of "showing you they care", which I've come to see is their way of showing you they don't care at all and are just masking their real feelings.  What should I do?  How should I handle this? 

What I'm angry the most about is how little she seems to think of me by acting this way.  Manipulation is a real trigger for me, as with my family I'm surrounded by some real world class dbag manipulators, and only within the last several years have seen it for what it is - abusive and demonstrative of how little these people think of me.  My family is just so virulently opposed to being honest in their relationships with others, everything is subterfuge and subtext, I'm becoming more and more intolerant about it to the point where I have been thinking about ripping into her about it. 

Is she taunting me or trying to make me feel jealous when she tells me all these stories about everything she does for my sister?  Is she trying to throw it in my face, like, look what I do for her, especially when I'm not crossing the street for you?  Is this her way of saying, I really in my heart of hearts don't give a shit about you? 

Has anything like this happened to anyone else? What have you done?  How did it shake out? 

Thanks!
94
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Hello - need support
« Last post by erniec on June 15, 2018, 02:37:33 PM »
thanks ladies, I really appreciate all of your responses.  I still have a really hard time believing there are people who want to listen to me about this stuff as I've spent my whole life being shut down by others who didn't care enough to want to hear about what was bothering me.  That's the emotions behind it, right there.  Ive gotten to the point where I don't feel like I should have to apologize for feeling the way I do, in the past I was shamed really badly by others for feeling these ways so I stopped talking. All that just backed up the pipes and it's working loose so I appreciate the understanding. 

to sea storm I really appreciate how softly you chose your words but I disagree with a number of things you said.  You made some assumptions about me and my motivations that are wrong, and I'm not even going to validate those by getting into which ones.  If you are uncomfortable with my anger, just know wherever it comes from, its not or ever will be directed at you or anyone on here.  It's clear you were uncomfortable with what I wrote.  Next time, just go on to one that resonates with you better.  People have not been attentive to what I say my whole life, I think I can handle if it happens a few more times. 

I will get into the responsibility subject though because I have quite a bit to say about that.  I look around at our world today and I don't see much responsibility being taken by anyone.  In fact, I see most people around me doing just about everything they can to avoid taking responsibility for anything.  The past 7 years, one the most tragic things I've learned about this world is that I'm practically the ONLY one that I know of taking any responsibility for ANYTHING they do.  It's shocking to me the degree to which people in my life avoid responsibility.  And Im not talking about showing up at work or cooking/caring for your family, I'm talking about treating other people with respect, kindness, caring and consideration.  The first sign I know someone doesn't give a shit about me is they take no responsibility for treating me in shabby ways when confronted on it.  That so many people just don't care that they act in such ways to others, not just me, really bothers me, and its a completely legitimate feeling to have on this profoundly messed up planet.  To me, what I've also learned is that throwing the responsibility trope to others especially when they are in pain is a cop out.  I accept responsibility for myself and my life success or failure every single day I get out of bed and try however falteringly to move on with my life whether others are around to judge my intentions or not.  To toss that one around in my presence given what I've been through is very disrespectful, and its like jabbing the knife of my initial injury and twisting.  Not helpful.  I'm here and struggling precisely because OTHERS so profoundly have failed to take responsibility for the pain they caused in my life so I have to accept and sort out the confounded mess THEY created in my life, all while being told too many times (thanks psychology profession!!!) that I'm a failure in some way because I'm struggling with it.  I thought these people want us to come forward with our issues?  From most of the ones I've met, apparently not, what I get is "Oh, so and so went thru the same thing and THEY didn't have such a hard time...you just need to take responsibility for yourself!!"....whatever the hell that means.  And what a disingenuous load of bullshit it is.  If people who had hurt me had apologized or taken responsibility for their deeds I'd have a lot easier time moving on, trust me, and I would think a lot more of them, but they didn't, so they give me no choice but for me to write them off as inhuman scuzzbags.  It's not unreasonable for me to expect accountability from others.  But what else are they, when confronted with their own sin, and they still deny it?  There's one thing people like this aren't and that's good people - people like this are not good, there is something profoundly wrong with them, and my terms, however derisive of them, are completely fair personifications to me of those exact people I am talking about.  When people push the responsibility trope it tells me they'd prefer to reduce my life to a trite truism and really aren't interested in learning the details of why I'm saying what I'm saying, and if that's the case, I rather them not say anything.  Skeptikal, Twopenny and hopalong didn't toss that one at me because the way they wrote what they wrote, they get what I'm saying and are really trying to help.  So, thank you ladies, and on to other issues.

I would reconsider therapy but I'm reluctant to do for lack of $$ and the anticipatory discouragement of having to kiss more frogs and deal with that.  I did get help thru EMDR a bit but right now and for the foreseeable future I'm just not interested in continuing to look for someone or something that may or may not exist.  It's not much different than those who drop out of the dating race because they are discouraged.  I get it completely,  someone said they had become a bit of hermit after their husband died and I totally understand that.  You've been with one person for so long and dating is stressful for men and women both as both are worried, sometimes legitimately, of being played / manipulated.

Religion / Spirituality I don't really think is an option for me either right now I'd consider due a number of reasons I really won't expound much on.  Buddhism I find feeds perfectly into the narcissism of the modern age - obsession with self - and I find the wrong path to be on...I think our western society is being led down the garden path with this obsession with using concepts from eastern mysticism to make people not necessarily better people  but better tools for corporations to make money off of - the entire SHAM (self help and actualization) and how successful it is selling the same trite concepts to people over and over and over is a testament to this.  I don't think these institutions necessarily want to help people, I think cynical ones just want to make money, and the more altruistic voices (they re there for sure) want them to make more money for their lives as they think thats what the main purpose of our existence is.  I resonate more with Christianity especially the social gospel and the person of Jesus who was, if he actually existed, one of the most unique and useful people in the history of this planet.  I completely understand what the bible talks about when it says the world hates Christ, I totally get it, the world mouths some platitudes of acknowledgement of what he said but underneath there is a real distinct hatred of him and everything he stood for.  He challenged power bases for the right reasons and people in power, as I learned directly myself, hate those to who do this and they actively seek the destruction of people who challenge their (false and abusive) authority.  I know this for a fact as I experienced it.  To some degree, Im still puzzled by the invective directed towards me by those in positions of power, as to me, all I did was stand up for myself, but in reading about Christ's persecution I have a better psychological perspective on why I was treated this way - because this is how humans treat those who challenge the social constructs of authority.  But I find so many flaws and unanswered questions within the faith I just can't accept it for what it is other than a morality play on what happens to those who are seen as a threat to the people in power as well as the life story of a man who had one of the biggest sets of balls in the history of the world, and that maybe the person of Christ as a good model for our behavior today. I did Christian Science for a few years but now I find that "faith" to be self serving and empty and I'm embarrassed to have had any association with it because of how shallow it is.  There was a rash of youth suicides in that "church" when I went there that I wish now I had tipped off some investigative journalist about...like what the hell is going on behind the scenes here.   I was involved in atheism for awhile but found those people intolerable because they are all convinced of their own intellectual superiority and are even more full of themselves than some of the evangelical ministers they love to slag. Plus they do absolutely nothing to make the world a better place....and so many of them spend their free time going to debates on the existence/non existence of god....I found this behavior completely absurd, and it's very common.  I think atheism is something most people do at some point in their lives but very few actually stick with it because they'd end up turning into Sheldon Cooper if they did. 

I've thought about volunteering at a homeless shelter or soup kitchen somewhere as I sincerely do care about others, its just that it may come across as I don't because I tend to call a spade a spade quite a bit ands can be quite harsh in my words.  My harshness when directed is 100% sincere, if I say it, I believe I have a duty to share it with that person whether they want to hear it or not because I believe its the truth.  The bit about judgmentalism is true, yeah I totally have and was, but it's not always a bad thing - even the bible tells us to judge, to use our minds to discern things, it admonishes people against against thoughtless hypocritical judgment like the the story about the prostitute who people wanted to stone that everyone knows. 

I've thought more about forgiveness and I've come to a bit of a conclusion about that...I think its more about standards of behavior for me - what's acceptable and what isn't.  If it's not, then sayonara.  If it is, then come on in.  I've also learned that I'm infinitely disposable to others so maybe I need to treat people who do wrong by me in the same disposable way. 

The journal thing I did for awhile but found counterproductive as I would just ruminate on whatever I was writing and it became like meditation, a total disaster that did more harm than good....  I really find more and more distraction really helps.  Whether that's dealing with anything kind of remains to be seen. 

I'll pull something out of this, thanks for your reflective listening, that means more to me than anything. 

 I think this is the end of the thread as I have a question about family members and manipulating others (me) using money and how to handle that, and I'll pose that for the group.  thanks!!
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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: End of the Road Farm
« Last post by Twoapenny on June 15, 2018, 09:57:44 AM »
Oh Skep, I'm so sorry.  I always get really behind on your threads because you're so busy, I feel like I've only missed a couple of days but you've crammed so much into them it takes me a while to catch up :)

I'm sorry that the Amy situation has come to a head again.  It's so hard, isn't it, drawing a line between being supportive and kind of playing a role in abusing yourself, in a way.  Especially with kids involved, albeit kids who are older now.  But I'm sorry things haven't worked out a bit better this time and I hope you're able to find a way through it that doesn't involve you having to put yourself out there to get hurt xx
96
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: End of the Road Farm
« Last post by sKePTiKal on June 15, 2018, 09:45:24 AM »
Except the proverbial "other shoe" has dropped. Again.  :shock:

Please stay tuned for another episode of the disgusting Amy saga. Or maybe not. It's like a lot of movie sequels - it's the same story; only some of the characters and "action shots" have changed. Y'all have heard it all before and truthfully nothing significant has changed. Just the added threats of physical violence this time... even directed at Holly and me, this time. And Sky is almost 18. I'm thinking I won't put y'all through it again.

The threats, I'm not totally convinced this guy is capable of acting on. But he's not rational either... and I've already rallied troops, gotten experienced advice, and for now - am just trying to keep Holly kinda centered. As usual, her innate kindness and sense of how "wrong" things are, are making her examine what if anything can help or fix the situation. But again (just spoke on the phone) she really doesn't need my help - just compassion/commiseration.

And I'm just trying to process out my revulsion at the details/circumstances... and find some glimmer of hope that all three of them: Amy and the boys even HAVE a future.

Apparently Amy has said she's really close to "ghosting" both Holly and me. My comment was: oh, please, make my dreams come true! But I know it's really a lie, because the next time she gets herself in a fix that requires money, I'm getting a phone call. (I have yet to speak directly with her this time.) There is only so much evil, depravity, perversion and irrationality I can stand before I simply shut down and shut it out of my mind. And it doesn't seem to make sense to me anymore... to try to protect and defend people like that without letting them suffer the consequences of their actions. I'm real sorry bad things are happening to them, because of their choices.

But when it's starts to show up on my doorstep, I'm all out of pity and sympathy.
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Ah, Bones, there is nothing more frustrating than people not reading what's in front of them, especially when you've put it all out there so clearly!  And when people say things like "well copies only cost x" - it's your time and expertise that counts not sticking something in a photocopier!  Some people are just cheeky.

I'm sorry about your eye; I am so squeemish when it comes to eye balls that the thought of any kind of surgery makes my toes curl!  I hope it wasn't too painful; is that the kind they do to correct sight or is it more to do with cataracts?  I hope whatever it was for it has helped and not held you back too much since xx

Thanks, Tupp!

I get so aggravated when I put in a lot of work into a contract to make sure all the "i's" are dotted, all the "t's" are crossed, with everything clearly spelled out to ensure a meeting of the minds only to have the client not bother to read any of it along with comments starting with:  "But I assumed....blah, blah, blah!"  I HATE THAT CRAP!!!!  I've encountered some idiots who tried to insist they shouldn't be held accountable to a contract they SIGNED simply because they didn't bother to read it BEFORE SIGNING IT!!!  I recall watching Judge Judy, on television, ripping a defendant a new A$$HOLE when they tried that defense!  It was NOT pretty!  The defendant was ordered to PAY for the work that was done according to the terms of the contract that they signed!

The eye surgery involved using a laser because the doctor discovered that my retina had torn and bled.  That was kinda-sorta an emergency to prevent my retina from detaching completely.  Not fun either way and I had no choice.

And the !@#$#@% AGGRAVATION is BACK AGAIN because the client DIDN'T BOTHER TO READ THE CONTRACT!!!!!!!!!

The contract CLEARLY states that the retainer I charge covers the first hour of researching.  After the first hour, then the rate switches over to $21.00 an hour while researching.  The client's request turned out to have an unexpected complication which added on to my research time to get it resolved.  I send the client my invoice for services rendered, charging her for THREE HOURS of researching PLUS the cost of copying over 100 pages, and she responds:  "Why can't you just subtract your retainer from what you sent me?"

!@##@!@#!#%#%!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh, Bones, what is wrong with people?!  And a hundred pages of information, that's a huge amount of work that you've put in for her!  I don't get what some people are like; I'd be embarrassed to ask for what is effectively a discount?  Surely the fact they're not doing the work themselves shows the value of it, or they'd just do it without getting anyone involved.  These people are not good for blood pressure!  Is your retina still healing up okay?

The weather is still crazy here as well.  Yesterday morning it was so windy and chilly out I had to go and put a jumper on.  We went out in the afternoon and it got so hot we were both stripped down to vest tops and sweaty :)  It felt like we'd moved to a different country over the lunch hour, very weird.

Those kitties were so cute but I haven't seen them again so I don't know if they were just visiting or perhaps had wandered a bit further from home than usual.  Our downstairs neighbours have separated and the lady moved out, leaving their six cats with the man, as they didn't think it was fair to split them up.  I was working near the window last night and I heard her come to visit them and bless her, she was crying because she misses them so much.  They're lovely cats and I agree with them, it's not fair to split the pack as they've all been together for so long (over ten years, I think).  But it was sad to hear her upset, I'm sure the cats miss her as well.  One of them is funny, he sits on the shed roof looking out over the neighbouring garden and when he sees another cat in it he puts his paw up as if he's waving at them :) xx

Thanks, Tupp!  I've lost count of the number of idiots I've encountered who seem to think that "Freelance = Free Work" and try to finagle all kinds of creative ways to not pay.  It's AGGRAVATING!!!!  I have another follow up appointment with the eye doctor next week to see how the surgical site is healing.  The weather here is kinda crazy sometimes so I never know how to dress...hot, cold, hot, cold....UGH!

A cat that waves to visitors.....that is CUTE and FUNNY!!!!  LOL!!!
98
Thank you all, so much, your support helps me no end, I can't put it into words :)

Hops, I do like being organised, it keeps my brain calmer and makes me feel more in control.  I don't like having an endless whir in my head of things I need to do or check and honestly, my son's records are such a mess now I don't think anyone could make head nor tail of them.  It feels better to be in control of the information and to be able to give people bulletpoints with links to where they can access the full report, if they need to.  I've been writing up a section for social services in the new area and what's struck me as I've re-read numerous reports and case files is the enormous amount of discrimination we've experienced because we home educated.  There's an oft repeated and automatic assumption that home education leads to isolation, as if everyone keeps their children in a cupboard under the stairs.  My son's current lack of friendships and activities keeps being linked to him being home educated when it's actually because he's been too ill to do anything for the last four and a half years.  So I wrote up my list of education related qualifications, with a list of schools and educational organisations I've worked for and, on paper, I look pretty impressive!  It was interesting, because I genuinely feel, most of the time, like a pointless, stupid, masquerading fool who will be caught out in time.  So I realised I need to start focusing on what I've achieved over the years (which is basically what you said!) rather than letting those old, pointless tapes take the lead :) xx

Lighter, thank you, I think my brain is starting to understand that we are moving into a new chapter.  I'm taking control of the situation; I'm dictating what people see and when they see it and most importantly, I'm getting in there before my mum has a chance to.  I can present a coherent, cohesive account of everything that's happened that shows how her story has grown and changed (as she kept adding bits in at attempt to get 'something' done).  I've got a little evidence box; I won't send it in but it contains information about certain things that she's done.  I'm getting a chance to re-write and correct history and, as much as I'm finding it tiring and it is creating anger, sadness and so on, it also feels liberating and I can kind of see myself pulling myself out of my paperwork pit and turning it into something creative and useful instead of the millstone around me neck that it's always been.  I think it's slowly turning into a positive :)

Thank you so much for the quotes from strong women, I love them!  That one from Helen Mirren is one of my favourites and so true!  How different would life be if we'd discovered boundaries and assertion early in life?  I was at yoga the other night and I realised I can use this six months in the new rental like a recovery sanctuary.  Simple living, few possessions, lots of outdoor activity and new people to be around, healing plants, scented candles, yoga, mediation, clean food, inspiring quotes up on the wall, lots of reading and music listening instead of slumping in front of the television too exhausted to do anything else.  I think it's all going to work out okay :) xx

Skep, thank you :)  I am trying to work in hour long chunks and then take a break, and intersperse it with other things that need doing as well, plus take a walk, have coffee outside, talk to the cat and so on (if that cat ever learns to speak I'm in big trouble!)  What is helping as I work through my list is realising as I write some things that I can use that in another document, so some of what I have to do is basically already done, it just needs cutting and pasting and a bit of editing.  Some of it is coming together faster than I thought, which is good, and I think the feeling of relief once it's all done is going to be so huge :)  So I'm getting there slowly, chipping away at it, and I've purposely kept the diary free for the next few weeks.  We're 95% there with the move now; just waiting on one reference and once they've got that we're good to go.  Fingers crossed, we could be moving in about three weeks' time.  I have to say I can't wait :) xx
99
Ah, Bones, there is nothing more frustrating than people not reading what's in front of them, especially when you've put it all out there so clearly!  And when people say things like "well copies only cost x" - it's your time and expertise that counts not sticking something in a photocopier!  Some people are just cheeky.

I'm sorry about your eye; I am so squeemish when it comes to eye balls that the thought of any kind of surgery makes my toes curl!  I hope it wasn't too painful; is that the kind they do to correct sight or is it more to do with cataracts?  I hope whatever it was for it has helped and not held you back too much since xx

Thanks, Tupp!

I get so aggravated when I put in a lot of work into a contract to make sure all the "i's" are dotted, all the "t's" are crossed, with everything clearly spelled out to ensure a meeting of the minds only to have the client not bother to read any of it along with comments starting with:  "But I assumed....blah, blah, blah!"  I HATE THAT CRAP!!!!  I've encountered some idiots who tried to insist they shouldn't be held accountable to a contract they SIGNED simply because they didn't bother to read it BEFORE SIGNING IT!!!  I recall watching Judge Judy, on television, ripping a defendant a new A$$HOLE when they tried that defense!  It was NOT pretty!  The defendant was ordered to PAY for the work that was done according to the terms of the contract that they signed!

The eye surgery involved using a laser because the doctor discovered that my retina had torn and bled.  That was kinda-sorta an emergency to prevent my retina from detaching completely.  Not fun either way and I had no choice.

And the !@#$#@% AGGRAVATION is BACK AGAIN because the client DIDN'T BOTHER TO READ THE CONTRACT!!!!!!!!!

The contract CLEARLY states that the retainer I charge covers the first hour of researching.  After the first hour, then the rate switches over to $21.00 an hour while researching.  The client's request turned out to have an unexpected complication which added on to my research time to get it resolved.  I send the client my invoice for services rendered, charging her for THREE HOURS of researching PLUS the cost of copying over 100 pages, and she responds:  "Why can't you just subtract your retainer from what you sent me?"

!@##@!@#!#%#%!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh, Bones, what is wrong with people?!  And a hundred pages of information, that's a huge amount of work that you've put in for her!  I don't get what some people are like; I'd be embarrassed to ask for what is effectively a discount?  Surely the fact they're not doing the work themselves shows the value of it, or they'd just do it without getting anyone involved.  These people are not good for blood pressure!  Is your retina still healing up okay?

The weather is still crazy here as well.  Yesterday morning it was so windy and chilly out I had to go and put a jumper on.  We went out in the afternoon and it got so hot we were both stripped down to vest tops and sweaty :)  It felt like we'd moved to a different country over the lunch hour, very weird.

Those kitties were so cute but I haven't seen them again so I don't know if they were just visiting or perhaps had wandered a bit further from home than usual.  Our downstairs neighbours have separated and the lady moved out, leaving their six cats with the man, as they didn't think it was fair to split them up.  I was working near the window last night and I heard her come to visit them and bless her, she was crying because she misses them so much.  They're lovely cats and I agree with them, it's not fair to split the pack as they've all been together for so long (over ten years, I think).  But it was sad to hear her upset, I'm sure the cats miss her as well.  One of them is funny, he sits on the shed roof looking out over the neighbouring garden and when he sees another cat in it he puts his paw up as if he's waving at them :) xx
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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Storming
« Last post by lighter on June 13, 2018, 03:33:51 PM »
A poem to end this thread...

"When you are a strong woman, you will
attract trouble.  When a man feels
threatened,  there is always trouble."
Barbara Taylor Bradford
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