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91
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Pink
« Last post by lighter on September 04, 2017, 05:20:17 PM »
Awwwww... that made me cry, Tupp.  It was so COOL.

Lighter
92
Tupp:   

I don't think you need to say anything to anyone at the college, etc about your insane mother's words or deeds..... at this point.

IF you feel it's necessary to create context for anything that MIGHT come up....
I say have a very short statement that does that:

"Unfortunately my mother is mentally ill, and has created situations that are dangerous for my son, and me.  It was necessary to go through the Courts to limit the damage she was attempting to do through (insert government agencies.)"

Operating words should be MOTHER MENTALLY ILL - DANGEROUS - LIMIT DAMAGE SHE DID.  Now, that's just my opinion, and there will be others that may make more sense. 

What you don't want to happen is for someone in a position to thwart you, to read something that makes them feel they have to smite you in order to bring justice to the world.  We've both dealt with those people, and it's difficult to undo something that happened behind your back, and without the ability to provide facts and context.... that's the only reason providing SOMETHING comes up for me.

IF they bring it up, say they heard or read something..... that's one thing.  I'd say the same short statement would apply, but you'd perhaps have something concrete to address..... a particular report, or charge, or accusation perhaps?

See, it's very easy to get dragged down the rabbit hole, and we have a hard time appearing stable when we talk about what the nutters DID or DO to us, IME.

Mentally ILL Mother - when she's offer her medication she has psychotic episodes that are dangerous - limited her ability to do harm through the courts.  Then you go back to being Son focused, appropriate Tupp without missing a beat, IMO.

If said with compassion, and regret, sometimes people aren't as triggered as they are by long explanations, and words like NO CONTACT with mum, etc, kwim?

In any case, it's behind you, and your futures is NOW.  ::emphatic nodding::

Hops:

I so liked what you said about healing...

" getting back to that feeling again after being pulled away from it." 

Reading that felt so very true.

Yes: )






 



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Quote
I started thinking about how far I've come, how brave it was of me to cut of contact with her, not to let myself get dragged into her stupid, endless mind games, to rise above all the gossip and the pointless, fruitless things that she does.  And I started to feel good about myself, and about all the work I've done

I so savored reading this, Tupp. It got me thinking about how children of Ns are so motivated and affected by fear and pain and confusion, that one of our adult skills becomes, naturally enough, getting really really good at vibrating to/responding to/identifying with ... what's negative.

When someone's been though that kind of a childhood and eventually becomes able to state what you have above, it's blazingly wonderful.

There are no trumpets, certificates, or acts of justice that make healing real. But to simply feel good about oneself, or be able to get back to that feeling again after being pulled away from it...that is what healing looks like, in my view.

Bravo and simply, Yes.

Hugs
Hops

Thank you, Hops, I think we should make ourselves certificates :)  Lol.  I do feel healed to a large extent, although I realised today that I am struggling to be around unhealed people, if that makes sense?  I do feel quite strongly that I simply don't want my mum, or anyone who knows my mum, to know where I live, or to be able to contact me.  There's not much I can do about it at the moment but I don't feel as snug and hidden away in my little flat as I did before she got in touch.  A car, similar to hers, drove past us today and tooted.  I've no idea if it was her or not, but it wouldn't have even crossed my mind a week ago to consider it might be.  I'd really like the lack of contact to be absolute.  But anyway - yes, on the whole, things are good, I had a good day with my son today, I've some calls to make tomorrow with regards to the college, I've contacted social services again about some help with a carer, we'll be selling the van in the next couple of weeks and things are generally going okay :)  I hope things are okay with you? xx
94
Quote
I started thinking about how far I've come, how brave it was of me to cut of contact with her, not to let myself get dragged into her stupid, endless mind games, to rise above all the gossip and the pointless, fruitless things that she does.  And I started to feel good about myself, and about all the work I've done

I so savored reading this, Tupp. It got me thinking about how children of Ns are so motivated and affected by fear and pain and confusion, that one of our adult skills becomes, naturally enough, getting really really good at vibrating to/responding to/identifying with ... what's negative.

When someone's been though that kind of a childhood and eventually becomes able to state what you have above, it's blazingly wonderful.

There are no trumpets, certificates, or acts of justice that make healing real. But to simply feel good about oneself, or be able to get back to that feeling again after being pulled away from it...that is what healing looks like, in my view.

Bravo and simply, Yes.

Hugs
Hops
95
http://www.slate.com/articles/life/family/2013/02/abusive_parents_what_do_grown_children_owe_the_mothers_and_fathers_who_made.html?wpsrc=sh_all_mob_fb_top



=========================================

Interesting article.

I'll have a read of that later, Bonesie.  Personally I don't feel that I owe my mum anything.  Had she made the smallest effort to change her behaviour I'd feel differently.  It's funny that no-one thinks anyone should stay with an abusive partner, or that adults abusing children is okay, but for some reason so many think adult children should put up with it?  Just yesterday I was thinking how different our weekends would be if we had loving family to visit or spend time with.  It's sad but abuse is abuse, however it comes, but I think there's still a feeling in some places that you should take whatever a parent gives out :( x

I know the feeling! 

It's aggravating when idiots start cranking up the crap of:  "But, but, buuutttt FAAAAMMIILLY!!"  That's when I start dropping F-Bombs!

Ha ha, Bonesie, you drop the best F bombs :) xx

 :)
96
I am so sorry for what your mother has put your through. Even if she isn't actually there she is a presence that haunts and terrorizes you. She has taken you hostage and I find this so unfair.

I read a book called The Gift of Fear and it talks about how your intuition is a strong ally in dealing with seriously deranged and dangerous people. Your intuition is broadcasting loud and clear that this woman poses a threat. What it says is to shut the door immediately at the first whiff of contact. Give NOTHING. SAY NO. Don't even bother saying no, just be a brick wall. Money is her lure and it is absolutely important for you to not get drawn in. I know this is difficult because you need the money so much.
You have been such a good soldier in standing by your son and trying to move forward under such a constant onslaught. She does not deserve to take your power. Your power to have your own life.

As for school, they are bound by confidentiality and if they engage in gossip with your mother, it becomes a matter for serious breach of ethics. They would need permission from you in order to bring her into the issue of your son't education. If you feel compelled to discuss this with the school then you should wait to see if this even happens. The people at the school have dealt with hundreds of scenarios and a meddling grandmother is a very clear signal that the grandma has big problems and they will cut this off immediately and politely.   For one thing they don't have time for this kind of toxic drama and can't get sidetracked from what they are doing. It is one thing for your mother to badger you with your neighbors but quite another if she attempts to involve a large institution.
It is so hard to deal with strong triggers that put one in an emotional state of fear and feeling helpless. I get that way to and can't even get out of bed and I cry all day having no resources to get myself to a place of safety in my head. You have the resources to help yourself to get out of that tortured hostage place. Your thoughts are sort of the enemy and use your arsenal good soldier. Tapping, chanting, repeating positive affirmations, moving your body in yoga, reaching out to this message board. You are not alone in your suffering.

It does not matter a rat's ass about what other people think. It is not any of your business what other people think, especially people in the village who are probably not that interested in you or anyone else. Please don't worry about nasty gossip. Slander is for twits. Both the slanderer and the dolts who passively listen to character assassination. You are so much more than they know or could know. Maybe they entertain themselves and boost themselves up with bringing down innocent people but it is nothing to do with you. I was slandered in my workplace and it was god awful and I wish that I knew to not let it take my power. I would not be reactive.  Just get busy having a nice life and do my art and garden and sing.
I hear how this cuts you to the bone and my words are an attempt to help you and love you and support you. Your parental unit has done enough and should not have the power to hurt you anymore.

Some kind of mental akido is needed but I don't know how to do that yet.

Blessings to you

Sea

Thank you, Sea, yes, I agree with all of that!  I feel fine again now, I think it just brought some old stuff up but it's okay again now, a bit like a cat bringing up a furball, I think!  I have/will ignore her completely, it really is the only way to deal with her.  I just find her so pathetic and it makes me sad that, even after everything that has happened, she still can't do anything other than behave like an idiot.  She's a fool unto herself.  I often find myself wishing that she had died instead of my dad when I was little.  I think life would have been very different.  But anyway.  It is what it is.  We are moving on, moving forward, things are changing slowly :)
97
http://www.slate.com/articles/life/family/2013/02/abusive_parents_what_do_grown_children_owe_the_mothers_and_fathers_who_made.html?wpsrc=sh_all_mob_fb_top



=========================================

Interesting article.

I'll have a read of that later, Bonesie.  Personally I don't feel that I owe my mum anything.  Had she made the smallest effort to change her behaviour I'd feel differently.  It's funny that no-one thinks anyone should stay with an abusive partner, or that adults abusing children is okay, but for some reason so many think adult children should put up with it?  Just yesterday I was thinking how different our weekends would be if we had loving family to visit or spend time with.  It's sad but abuse is abuse, however it comes, but I think there's still a feeling in some places that you should take whatever a parent gives out :( x

I know the feeling! 

It's aggravating when idiots start cranking up the crap of:  "But, but, buuutttt FAAAAMMIILLY!!"  That's when I start dropping F-Bombs!

Ha ha, Bonesie, you drop the best F bombs :) xx
98
http://www.slate.com/articles/life/family/2013/02/abusive_parents_what_do_grown_children_owe_the_mothers_and_fathers_who_made.html?wpsrc=sh_all_mob_fb_top



=========================================

Interesting article.

I'll have a read of that later, Bonesie.  Personally I don't feel that I owe my mum anything.  Had she made the smallest effort to change her behaviour I'd feel differently.  It's funny that no-one thinks anyone should stay with an abusive partner, or that adults abusing children is okay, but for some reason so many think adult children should put up with it?  Just yesterday I was thinking how different our weekends would be if we had loving family to visit or spend time with.  It's sad but abuse is abuse, however it comes, but I think there's still a feeling in some places that you should take whatever a parent gives out :( x

I know the feeling! 

It's aggravating when idiots start cranking up the crap of:  "But, but, buuutttt FAAAAMMIILLY!!"  That's when I start dropping F-Bombs!
99
http://www.slate.com/articles/life/family/2013/02/abusive_parents_what_do_grown_children_owe_the_mothers_and_fathers_who_made.html?wpsrc=sh_all_mob_fb_top



=========================================

Interesting article.

I'll have a read of that later, Bonesie.  Personally I don't feel that I owe my mum anything.  Had she made the smallest effort to change her behaviour I'd feel differently.  It's funny that no-one thinks anyone should stay with an abusive partner, or that adults abusing children is okay, but for some reason so many think adult children should put up with it?  Just yesterday I was thinking how different our weekends would be if we had loving family to visit or spend time with.  It's sad but abuse is abuse, however it comes, but I think there's still a feeling in some places that you should take whatever a parent gives out :( x
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