Recent Posts

Pages: 1 ... 3 4 [5] 6 7 ... 10
41
Tupps, this can be a twisted up problem. Another form of "pretzeling".

For me (since it's so fresh in my mind from reminding myself) - my self-worth was based on how available I was to my mom, for her to continually drain me, and insist that her warped perception of me was reality. My perception of my strength was based on how much of that I could "take".

When I broke free of that household, I then spent my time "doing" for those I cared about. Replacing that relationship, in other words. "Empty nest syndrome" was a tough one for me... but it also HELPED a great deal, too... when I could face that reality head-on. Then there was Mike and caring for his Mom... both gone. A life-time of people pleasing... and in my case, seeking any form of validation (no matter how twisted) that I mattered to someone ELSE. For the things that mattered to ME, about ME.

IMO, self worth comes from an honest assessment of "who you are" - in what ways do YOU matter to YOU? Which parts do you defend against unfair criticism? What kinds of things invoke the feeling of "all is right with your world"? What won't you part with under any circumstances (as in, one of your own traits)?  What weaknesses would you identify as being "okay to tolerate", or "must do something about"? Do we always HAVE to do something about who/what we are -- to be "good enough" to be connected to others?

OR... maybe we just need to accept that those "bugs" in our psyches are really "features"... and even though it's a most improbable combination... it's what makes uniquely "us".

Imagine you are someone else. And responsible for taking care of Tupps in the best, wisest way possible. What does that consist of? What do you need to encourage yourself to do? Why, in your judgement? When Hops mentions having compassion for yourself... do you know what constitutes compassion, for what, and why? (Yes, I'm still being analytical here and not terribly emotional. Sometimes we have to persuade our brains - with it's own tactics - to step aside and get out of the way of needs to happen.)

I'm trying to make sure I understand that word, myself. 
43
Hi Tupp,
Almost asleep so this'll be short...

I'm sad to understand you continue to struggle with the question you recently posed in Tips for Boosting Self Esteem -- and I feel like I only offer the same idea everywhere, just slightly restated.

To me, still, it's about compassion for yourself. Actually feeling it. Because it's only practice that can undo years of self-rejection, self-criticism.

So tapping into love and then beaming it into your own heart, over and over and over, until you actually feel (rather than think) love for yourself... I think is the answer.

I think you need to feel it, rather than think it.

The meditations are a good thing. Your finding a counselor was a great thing. And maybe focusing on how self-love would allow you to deserve a nice gift. And go collect it in happiness.. how that is okay.

Not just okay but normal. It's normal for loving acts to flow in the world.

Love to you,
Hops

Thanks, Hopsie.  I think I'm struggling with the 'how'.  I'm trying to be kind to myself, look after myself, see the good things, get out there in the world and leave all the bad things behind me.  But I just seem to be feeling more numb, more lonely, more isolated and disconnected.  It seems to be making me feel worse instead of better.  I'm not really sure why.  Will think about it more during the day.  Hope you have a lovely sleep :) xx
44
Hi Tupp,
Almost asleep so this'll be short...

I'm sad to understand you continue to struggle with the question you recently posed in Tips for Boosting Self Esteem -- and I feel like I only offer the same idea everywhere, just slightly restated.

To me, still, it's about compassion for yourself. Actually feeling it. Because it's only practice that can undo years of self-rejection, self-criticism.

So tapping into love and then beaming it into your own heart, over and over and over, until you actually feel (rather than think) love for yourself... I think is the answer.

I think you need to feel it, rather than think it.

The meditations are a good thing. Your finding a counselor was a great thing. And maybe focusing on how self-love would allow you to deserve a nice gift. And go collect it in happiness.. how that is okay.

Not just okay but normal. It's normal for loving acts to flow in the world.

Love to you,
Hops
45
Hi everybody,

It occurred to me this morning that one of the reasons I am feeling quite flat and unfulfilled at the minute is that I've stopped trying to be a people pleaser and falling over myself to keep everybody happy.  I think, in the past, that that is how I've measured my self worth; if everybody likes me then I'm good, if they don't then I'm not.

I've worked at boundaries, as you all know, and have lost more people from my life in the process.  I know overall this is a good thing and that I needed to put boundaries in place.  I wasn't happy and felt I was being misused.  But I have found it hard to cope with not having people around - even people I didn't particularly enjoy being around any more.  I've found it hard to cope with people not wanting me once I became more authentic and the fact that I'm really not seeming to meet people who do want to be around me.  I sort of feel that now I'm not doing what other people want I'm not good enough company for people simply to want to spend time with me.

I've been trying internet dating again and I've been on a couple of dates.  I am trying to take the 'one step at a time' approach; it's been so long since I've been on a date that I just focused on the fact that I was getting through the front door and tried not to worry about anything else.  Neither date has led to another and I've talked to guys online who seem to quickly and suddenly lose interest.  Again, I'm trying not to take it personally and to be myself but I am finding the rejection of my authentic self difficult to cope with.  I suppose someone rejecting a fake version of you isn't so painful.  To give an example that I know is ridiculous but that is really bothering me at the moment is that someone on another forum I use - whom I've never met - has made something for me after I admired one of his items online (he's a craftsmen and makes beautiful furniture).  It's incredibly kind of him; he's done if for no reason other than he knew I liked it and he doesn't live too far from me so I can go and collect it.  But I'm absolutely terrified of getting there and him realising I'm a fake and I'm not worth bothering with.  I know it's so silly but I feel real dread about going over to collect it and the simple act of accepting someone else's kindness is really difficult for me, because I don't feel worthy.

I don't feel I have any sense of self worth and I wondered how others get theirs and if they have to work at it?  I am a good mum and I know that, but I think being a good mum is the least you can be when you have a child so I don't feel that makes me a particularly worthy person.  I do have some good friends, very good friends, and I'm lucky to have them and do appreciate and cherish them.  But equally I speak to them fairly infrequently for the most part and see them even less (because of distance).  So as much as I appreciate both of those things, it doesn't seem to be enough and I wondered what others do to boost their own self worth and see themselves in a good light? x
46
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything
« Last post by Hopalong on June 27, 2016, 01:34:21 AM »
I went with Ting dot com (average bill about $23/month for my cell service) plus a Moto G phone I ordered from the same site. Ting uses the Sprint network. No contract. I've been very pleased.

Frugally,
Hops
47
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything
« Last post by Garbanzo on June 26, 2016, 08:13:32 PM »
Need to buy a new phone. Experiencing selection paralysis or whatever they call it when there are too many options. Decision indecision.

I think that probably I need to give myself decision deadlines.

Decision Fatigue
48
https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/4eb2ry/last_night_i_told_mil_find_another_place_to_live/?

This N deliberately endangered a newborn!!  I would have gone BALLISTIC on her!!!   :evil:
49
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Becoming "me"
« Last post by Hopalong on June 26, 2016, 12:49:48 PM »
I am sure there's lots of insoluble fiber in there.
 :lol:

Remember that it's just your luck that I started taking my ADD meds again, which makes me very focused on writing and like a dog with a bone. (A small, cute dog. But still...)

love,
Hops
50
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Becoming "me"
« Last post by sKePTiKal on June 26, 2016, 09:08:39 AM »
Thanks Hops.

Digesting those posts....
Pages: 1 ... 3 4 [5] 6 7 ... 10