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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Boundaries with N parents
« Last post by JustKathy on August 17, 2016, 03:16:44 PM »

I hate to say this, but when my NM died I felt a HUGE sense of relief. A lot of that was the result of her creating so much drama over her cancer (if thatís even what she had). I had guilt laid on me for five years, making me believe that she had only ďweeks to live.Ē When it finally ended, my only reaction was, thank goodness, itís over.

I never felt sadness for her not sorting out her life because she didnít want to sort things out. In her mind, she was perfect, and everyone around her was flawed. She was expecting everyone else to sort out their lives to accommodate HER.  I totally agree that she ruined her chance of a nice life, though in my mumís case, her definition of a nice life was a far cry from what mine was. For me, a nice life is good friends, good job, children, pets, and the simple joys that bring happiness. To my N-Mother, a nice life was being the queen bee, controlling everyone around her, and having material goods to boast about. Iím sure my mum died believing that she had been cheated out of a nice life because she was unable to control one of her children. I guess maybe I feel sad ABOUT her, but not sad FOR her, if that made sense.  :(
Counselling last night and I am finding it tough going at the minute - tough to reconnect with my younger self and incredibly tough living where I do.  There are memories and people I can't stand all around me, as well as the area itself just being very poorly resourced which means we have to travel a lot to do basic things.

Bumped into someone in the supermarket - someone I thought was a friend, years ago, but various things have happened over the years that showed me she wasn't.  We chatted briefly but I came out wishing I hadn't seen her.  Just reminded me of everything I don't like and don't want to have in my life.

We are going to move within the next three months.  I can't begin to imagine having to spend another Christmas here.  I have realised that I put a huge amount of energy into coping with being here.  I'm so exhausted I just can't see the wood for the trees.  So the move needs to happen.  The downside will be we'll be too far away for me to see the therapist.  Initially I had thought I would stay put until I'd finished my work with her but I feel living here is actually making it harder for me to do the work in the first place.  There are still plenty of sessions before we go and I am learning lots of techniques with her that I can use after we move.  I can find another therapist a bit further down the line if need be.  I feel like a prisoner in my own house; there are just too many triggers wherever I go around here and too many people that I just don't want to see anymore.

Sorry (Bones), does sound like classic N behavior. Painful to hear your bf maybe an N also!
  Is this new? Or repeated abuse and neglect of someone who is suppose to love you?

seasons ox

There's been passive-aggressive behaviors for quite a while.  When trips to the Emergency Room became a recent part of the equation, then this behavior became more blatant.  He attempted to insist that I didn't need the Emergency Room while my doctor was telling me that I needed to go.  My trust level in him dropped to zero.


I'm realizing now that his behaviors toward my health issues is a HUGE RED FLAG!!!!
I think Mr. Useless Doufous finally got pissed off because I kept telling him that he needs to take responsibility for his own messes and that I am NOT his mother, housekeeper, nor maid.  This argument has been going back and forth since March 2001!  That's right, nearly ELEVEN YEARS, when he first brought in his FILTHY birdcages that were infested with cockroaches!  I've been fighting his cockroaches ever since even though I have asthma.

For awhile, he would bring me his version of insecticide that was supposed to be safe around the birds.  Common sense should have told him that when it is sprayed on cockroaches, eventually the bottle will need to be replaced with a FULL one.  He would always wait until I was completely out, ignoring requests and reminders, and give me the excuse that he would "get round to it later".

This past week, after reminding AGAIN that I'm completely OUT of his version of insecticide and that the roaches are WORSE, once again I got the usual "I'll get round to it later" routine.  I told him that since he won't do what he is responsible to do, then I will do what I HAVE TO DO to fight the cockroaches!  He ignored me so I got a can of HotShot and started spraying in the hallways and in my home office.  (I told him that I was going to do this if he didn't do anything.)

This morning, when I got up, I discovered that he had showed up, overnight, took his last bird cage and left garbage and cockroach mess behind.  DAMN CREEP!!!!

Typical N behaviors!

I need to make a list to remind myself.
I've also come to the painful conclusion that bf just might be an N.

During the past six months, I've landed in the emergency room, twice.  The first time, I was dealing with an asthmatic attack as a result of bronchitis.  BF dropped me off at the ER, told me to call him when I was done, AND LEFT!  The second time was a couple of weeks ago when I suddenly began vomiting uncontrollably and had NO idea what was wrong!  When I began showing symptoms of dehydration, I contacted my doctor while bf was with me.  When I relayed the message from the doctor that she was recommending another trip to the ER, bf blurts:  "I don't have time for this!" and WALKED OUT!  I had to get to the ER alone.  Now he is wondering WHY I'M UPSET AT HIM!


Why didn't I see this Narcissism before?
I found myself having to remind bf Blueberry that my boundaries WILL BE RESPECTED OR ELSE!!!!!

We got into a heated exchange over the use of my laundry facilities after I received a letter regarding the increase of electricity use and subsequent increase in my utility bills.  He attempted to deny that he EVER offered to pay me extra for using my washer and dryer because, after all, he's already paying me a small amount in rent, and bringing me a FEW groceries, (while trying to whine about the rent being a "financial hardship" for him and IGNORING that his concept of "groceries" would be, MAYBE, ONE EAR OF CORN)!   :x  When he attempted to deny what he previously told me, I responded:  "Oh, really?  Let me play back our initial conversation when you FIRST asked me for permission to use my washer and dryer after yours broke....." (and proceeded to give him a verbatim report)!  I reminded him that (1) I am NOT working and have been UNABLE TO FIND EMPLOYMENT, (2) my monthly pension is SMALL and CANNOT STRETCH ANY FURTHER, (3) I am dealing with health and medical expenses that are BUSTING MY BUDGET, (4) he is WORKING SIX DAYS A WEEK, leaving little or NO time for US, (5) given the amount of hours he is working per week, with his Ph.D. I KNOW that he is pulling in MORE MONEY PER WEEK THAN I'M RECEIVING IN MY PENSION PER MONTH, (6) with this recent receipt of notice that my utility bills are skyrocketing on top of my health and medical issues, either he pay extra for the utilities THAT HE IS INCREASING OR TAKE HIS MESS TO THE LAUNDROMAT AND PAY THERE!!!!!!   :P  (He ponied up the money under MORE grumbling and protest!  I also discovered that he had done SEVERAL loads of laundry, while I was in Philadelphia and NEVER BOTHERED TO CLEAN OUT THE LINT FILTER IN MY DRYER!!  I had SHOWED HIM HOW TO DO THAT AND STRESSED THAT IT IS A SAFETY ISSUE TO TAKE CARE OF!!!  I DON'T NEED TO HAVE MY DRYER TO CATCH FIRE FROM THE OVERFLOWING LINT!  He attempted to plead ignorance and attempted to DENY that as well!  IDIOT!!!!   :P)  SHEESH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  (Can I SMACK HIM NOW?!?!?!?!?)


I've come to the conclusion that he has been NOTHING but a LYING, USING N all along!   :x
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Hypnosis and the 20%
« Last post by Ales2 on August 16, 2016, 01:25:36 PM »
And just today, the strangest thing happened. 

My former bad-T published his new book. After five books with NY publishers he had to self publish through Balboa Press, a division of Hay House.  Thats kind of a blow to someone already published.

In the Introduction, he talks about a period of profound depression and despair, his kids not speaking to him, his ex-wife married his ex-best friend (after he introduced them at a book signing), his girlfriend kicked him out of her house and he lived in a limbo in a local hotel for months,  he was having serious financial problems, and then having emergency hip replacement surgery.  His world crashed and burned.  Yet he continued to treat patients. 

During that time,  I was a patient and trying to make sense of my own losses and disappointments and struggles. Truth is, he was in no position to be helping anyone and he certainly did not help me. I have said before that I left more confused and depressed than when I started and felt emotionally and financially exploited. I remember the hip surgery quite well, when he was out of the office for about 3 weeks (thats OK,not knocking that) but its a reference point that tells me I was a patient during a time he probably should not have been treating patients, but he needed the money rather badly.

I always questioned why he was not able to help me, and now I KNOW.  I felt a real sense of relief.
It wasn't entirely about me. Sad to say, I lost trust in therapists after this experience and now can see I had good reason to be skeptical about his intentions and abilities.

I emailed him today the following:
I was just given your new book. What a lightning rod that was. Reality is that you were no position to be treating patients when you had your own personal emotional and financial meltdown going on. You emotionally and financially exploited me during that time, and left me more confused and depressed than when I started. You then provided me with a false diagnosis as a defense and in retaliation to my complaints.   Nowhere in your book does it mention Integrity or Professional Responsibility. Get some.

Needless to say, I felt very liberated this morning.
Sooner or later, N's show their true colors.
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