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41
Iím so sorry you had this flashback. It's amazing how we can recall our childhoods with such amazing clarity in our dreams; our rooms, our beds, the wallpaper pattern. I remember every detail.

I often have dreams about being a child and being in chains, locked in a closet, or some other thing that my NM never even did to me, but my dreams/nightmares always associate her with harming me in some way. In these dreams Iím always a kid, usually a teen, which was when things were at their worst. Iím now 57, yet my dreams will bypass 40 years of life, and go back to childhood. Does that happen to all of us who were harmed by our N-parents? Our young minds are forever affected by our experiences?

I do agree with Lighter that itís probably good for this stuff to come out. It may seem crazy, but I believe that having these flashbacks actually makes us stronger than if we suppressed them. We need to remember the bad in order to move forward, and gain strength. You may not feel like youíre strong, but you are. :D

Iím so glad that you feel safe in your new place, hopefully both emotionally as well as physically. As scary as the world has become, I think, in many ways, emotional safety can be more important to us.

And so happy that you have a lovely garden to tend to. Thereís something incredibly therapeutic about gardening. Itís always been something that has helped me. It seems impossible to think bad thoughts while listening to the chirping of birds, breathing fresh air, and smelling the flowers. You WILL feel better!


42
Oh, honey. (((((((Tupp)))))))).

Your clarity and maturity as you describe what happened almost makes me hesitate
about saying "I'm sorry this happened." I AM sorry that it happened to little you.
Wordlessly sorry.

But somehow I feel as though this flashback is a way for you to so completely love
and comfort yourself, with zero shame or filter between you and just totally loving
that brave girl who endured so much...

....And became this brave woman, who has looked at her life with clear eyes, an
ever-wiser mind, and heart of a lion.

I don't even know why I put it this way, but I so hope you are proud of yourself.
Just plain proud. Nothing to defend, apologize away, or question.

YOU are the best friend you ever could have.

I am awed.

love,
Hops
43
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Playing cards over the weekend
« Last post by lighter on March 14, 2017, 12:21:48 PM »
I traveled to my Father's over the weekend, which entails much card playing.... usually a game called KING. 
We like KING. 
Except if you're the Peasant, who has to give their best card to the KING in exchange for the KING's worst card.  Since the King throws first, and the Peasant goes last, it's unlikely the Peasant will do well, much less move to the KING seat.  It's a frustrating commentary on how the world really works.

At some point I was in the Peasant seat WAAAAYYYY too long, IMO.  It occurred to me that I had a tremendous opportunity to test information I'm reading about in POWER VS FORCE.... a book I can't find at the moment, but will finish as soon as I do.  According to the book those who test above level 200 on the consciousness scale can self muscle test.  Those who don't, can't.   People test between 100 and 1000, and that can be muscle tested also.   

OK. Fair enough.  I'd try it just to see what happened with the deal....... I've been having  trouble with muscle testing and worried I was under 200, frankly.  I think I tested around 400, but honestly...... I just couldn't solidly believe my test results, so.... would it work?  It would take the sting out of the boredom of the P seat, at the very least.  I had nothing to lose.


I held the cards to my chest and asked if the deal, I was about to deal, was good for me.  My body rocked backwards with some force, and I re shuffled and asked again.  My body rocked forward, and I dealt the cards.

That hand moved me into the KING seat for a reign that seemed it would never end using the same method.  I didn't always get a solid rock either way, and so I'd shuffle till there was a relatively clear rock forwards.

At some point DD14 noticed what I was doing, and asked if I was muscle testing with her eyes.  I said YES, without shame, and continued on. 

DD rolled her eyes lightly, not with scorn since she'd used muscle testing herself, and ignored me for a while. 

At some point, when it seemed like I'd never leave the KING seat, DD14 snatched the cards, said "Oh NO you don't" and dealt a hand that moved me back into the Peasant seat.  She might have gently accused me of cheating, but it was so light it didn't quite register as that.   

DD14 allowed me to deal again only bc I said I'd remain in the Peasant seat the remainder of the game.  At that point I didn't care where I sat or if I had to give up my best card... I was interested to see if my tremendous streak of luck, or new found ability to test the deal, endured, which it DID! 

The coolest part was watching DD SEE and understand for herself how this can work....  at the grocery store, with health questions, medications, supplements, PEOPLE.... so many applications.  IS someone telling the truth?  Are they not? 

If I'd involved DD she likely would have been very dismissive no matter the outcome.  Since it was private, she perked up ONLY after she'd seen it with her own eyes, bc she noticed on her own, and couldn't dispute that I was winning without fail using muscle testing. 

Very exciting, but you have to figure out what your YES and NO are.  Some people rock forwards for NO and backwards for YES.  I used to rock sideways quite a bit, as does my niece, which is even more confusing. 

If anyone has POWER vs FORCE on their list of books to read, please consider doing it soon so we can discuss it.  Also Gerber's  VIBRATIONAL MEDICINE was a good book to read before hand..... IME. 

Lighter



44
((((Tupp))))  There you are!

I was wondering what you were up to.

So sorry about the flashback.  Sorry it's so present and frightening.... but glad it's coming OUT....
glad you're moving down the path and away from the past.  Be kind and gentle with yourself..... you deserve compassion, and empathy.  If you stay with this, it will pass, IME.  You can't be harmed any more...... not if you let it out, so you can let it go, IME.     

Reading about your new self care rituals, in your new safe space..... your garden, with your feet up...... truly feels like headway.  Feeling better isn't ever DONE.  It's a 2 steps forward, 1 step back thing, and you're doing a wonderful job, IME.

It's cold here now.  How is it over the Pond?

Lighter



47
Just writing this here as I wanted somewhere to put it before the memory fades and this is always the safest place :) WARNING - MAY TRIGGER - SORRY.

I have been pottering along with my slower paced, healthier life.  I've been meditating most days, doing a bit of yoga, spending time in the garden, putting my feet up and reading and generally looking after myself and being less frantic.  I had a bit of a 'ooh hoo' moment when several things happened at once and I went into rescue mode but it was over very quickly, I paced myself again, reset my boundaries and carried on.  It was my son's birthday last week and we had a lovely time with a few friends over and a day out.

I went down with a very heavy cold (I do find that resting and looking after myself does tend to make me react in some way, I suppose your body lets out toxins or stress or something?).  I've looked after myself, plenty of fluids, lots of Vitamin C and so on, but had a terribly sore throat that I couldn't shift.  One of the meditiations I've been using works on clearing and realigning the chakras and one school of thought is that a sore throat indicates a blocked throat chakra so when I woke at 2am the night before last with my throat literally screaming I tried a throat chakra meditiation.

I had the most horrendous flashback, all physical, with the only other sense being a feeling of being in my childhood bedroom.  I could feel something being forced into my throat, not being able to breathe, fighting and struggling to get away and not being able to.  The feeling of control and being forced to surrender was awful.  My legs were pumping as if I were trying to run but I couldn't get up from the bed.  It was almost like an out of body experience, I think, as one part of my mind was terrified whilst the other was quite calming thinking "it's a flashback.  It's not really happening again."  It didn't last for very long; I was sobbing and felt very small and vulnerable but at the same time did feel some sort of sense of release and of something being 'out there'.  I didn't really sleep much again that night but the following day was nice and sunny so it was nice to spend time in the garden.  Last night I couldn't sleep again, my throat was still very sore and this morning I woke and literally had no voice, which I always think is funny when we have all felt so voiceless at times that sometimes it becomes a physical reality.  It is starting to come back now, though, which my son is very disappointed about :)

I do feel tired and a bit out of it (and I did keep losing time yesterday, I noticed) but I also feel that something has been unblocked and let out.  I think maybe the fact that we've moved and feel safer is one thing, and maybe my son's age is triggering things off now as well.  Either way, I am glad this is happening here in our new home where at least I can sit in our lovely garden rather than the old place where I'd have been feeling glum anyway.

As I say, just parking this here for now so it doesn't get lost as the week moves on.  Very, very glad to have this safe space, as always xx
50
I go to my Facebook business page to do some posting and get hit with this in my Message section:

"I see that you don't have a public tree therefore aren't willing to share your work."

This came from a TOXIC N relative who must have been trying to check out, (more accurately, STALK), my Ancestry account.  I didn't bother to reply, just instantly BANNED the B!TCH! 

FWIW, I AM willing to share my work...I am VERY PARTICULAR who I share my work with!  If you ask nicely, no problem!  Come at me with an ATTITUDE like this N just did and the N + ATTITUDE will be ejected out the nearest airlock!

My past experiences with this particular bunch, who unfortunately share my DNA, have NEVER been pleasant!  I can understand them hating NWomb-Donor and my father for getting married back in 1934.  (I wasn't born until about two decades later so I was NOT involved with their extramarital affair that led to my Dad divorcing his first wife during the Depression Era.)  Now that NWomb-Donor and my father are dead and gone, it seems that these N's have turned their laser-hatred on me and I have NOT spoken with them frequently BECAUSE of their unpleasantness!  Who wants to be around THAT?!?!?!?  When I first started my genealogy research, before the Internet became easily available, my research was on paper...birth certificates, death certificates, marriage licenses, copies of wills, etc. THAT I PAID FOR!  These N's DEMANDED that I hand EVERYTHING over to THEM because, in THEIR view, I was NOT allowed to have it!!!  (As if I'm NOT allowed to be related to them in any way, shape, or form!)  They got told "NO!" so their attitude has gotten snottier ever since. 

The N who sent me that message on Facebook has been NASTY every single time she has contacted me.  She needs to knock it off!!!

UPDATE:  The N who sent me that message has been BLOCKED on Facebook and I've also contacted Ancestry regarding the situation in case these dingbats attempted to contact me again.  The Ancestry folks explained how I can also block on Ancestry Messenger, which I've done.

Today, I get an e-mail from a paternal cousin asking me to assist someone who contacted him.  As soon as I saw the name of the individual who contacted this paternal cousin, my reaction was "OH $H!T!!!"  It was the same N who was obnoxious to me on Facebook!  This poor cousin had NO idea about this mess as I had never mentioned it to him so I had to gently explain why I was not going to be replying to this individual.

Yeah, I was cringing!!!  I HATE family dysfunction!
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