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Do you think it's possible to dump your entire life and start again?  Just shout "bollocks!" to every problem, every doubt, every bad experience and go back to the beginning to start over

Asking myself this, my answer is No. I don't believe I can do that. I understand the longing, for sure.

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thinking about my younger self...

Me, too, from time to time. But less, these days. Her anguish simmered inside me until I was well into my 50s. During the last decade, I've been so intentional about deliberate self-compassion, especially for the sad/lonely child within me, that I think she's begun to let me go. To allow me to live in my present age, without calling to me, Come and rescue me from what happened! She knows I can't (she was smart) and she has now kind of blended into me. Not just her pain but her insight, joy, sweetness, perceptive observation, compassion.... she was more than her pain and victimization.

I think I just had to convince her that over time, I was going to love her, more and more kindly, more and more gently, more and more deliberately and patiently. Love her so well that ultimately, she could be free to let go of her place in my psyche, and yield more space for my present adult, who is less traumatized than she was.

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Can you through it all away....
I don't believe I can undo my memories but do believe I can learn not to live inside them

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and go back to those childhood dreams

I don't believe I can go back to them as a child would...

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and start doing things that you enjoy, just because you enjoy them?
  In the present, as my adult self, I absolutely believe I can do this, ONE thing at a time...

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Can you fit that in ....
Oof. That's a very hard one and maybe the crux of the whole stress that can melt me down sometimes. And I have way less stress than you do, Tupp. I think with enough loving support of yourself, caring about yourself, getting HELP so you're not alone with yourself....yes you can fit (some of) it in. Not all of it, of course. But more. And I truly think despite how it feels this week, that you are going to a place/space/time when there WILL be room for you. And some of your dreams.

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Can you merge the past with the present and erase the bad bits so they don't keep coming up over and over and driving you insane?
For me, the bad bits haven't been erased. I know that they came up over and over for many years. For me, the only thing that began to feel different than this cycle (which I too was in) was after that intentional encounter with my inner child self I've mentioned here so many times. When I "met" her and gave her love, and promised to never abandon her again...she began her healing. And I mine.

That's what merged. Not the bad bits evaporating, but as the bad bits' healing continues, the present good bits began to have more oxygen. So now they grow or radiate more easily. I can (not perfectly or consistently) more often feel balanced between present-good, past-bad, present-bad-but-not-actual-helpless-childhood, past-is-like-a-novel (I can ponder the characters with more distance now)....etc.

That last mishmash of a paragraph is pretty much my estimate of what the reality would be, for me, of wishing to
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throw my old life away and start anew, all dreams intact.

Modified dreams, and learning to love them. That's what life is more like now. Making peace with it all, and then slowly moving beyond peace to gratitude.

I'm very sorry for this triggered bout of anguish Tupp...it's so very understandable.

love to you,
Hops





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Do you think it's possible to dump your entire life and start again?  Just shout "bollocks!" to every problem, every doubt, every bad experience and go back to the beginning to start over?

I have spent the last three days either paralyzed on the sofa, feeling so angry I could stab someone, crying in a heap on the floor or wishing I was dead.  I am so sick of this happening to me, no matter how hard I work at it, how much therapy I have, how much effort I put into managing it or controlling it, there are still times when it knocks me sideways and I literally feel like I have no control over my brain, or my emotions.

And that got me thinking about my younger self.  That poor, lonely, frightened kid who desperately wanted to fit in, and feel loved, and be like the other kids, but who was geeky and awkward, clever but hid it because it wasn't trendy, whose ideas and hopes and dreams were always laughed at and ridiculed and had to cope with her father's death without any support and the subsequent abuse by her stepfather without letting anyone know, because her primary aim was to protect her mum?

I can remember the dreams I had for myself and what I loved to do - music, both playing and listening to, dancing, singing, acting, writing, theatre, art.  I wanted to make my own clothes, learn about stage make up, make costumes.  So many things and the encouragement was always zero.  The lady that lived down the road from us used to tell me how much she enjoyed listening to me play my clarinet while she was sitting in the garden in the evening; she said it was like being at a concert without having to leave the house.  My mum used to say she was a sad twat with nothing better to do.  Why are we so influenced by the negative comments and much less so by the positive ones?

So is it possible?  Can you through it all away and go back to those childhood dreams and start doing things that you enjoy, just because you enjoy them?  Can you fit that in with kids and work and money issues, and things like dealing with the shitstorm that was waiting in my inbox for me this evening and the snotty lady I had to speak to on the phone earlier?  I'm drinking to cope.  I feel completely dead inside.  Every nerve and every part of my brain is screaming at me to run and never come back to this.  Can it be done?  Can you merge the past with the present and erase the bad bits so they don't keep coming up over and over and driving you insane?
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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Hurricanes and perspective
« Last post by lighter on September 14, 2017, 10:39:09 AM »
Ok...a little info on the cement structure with steel doors where my friend's sons sheltered on Virgin Gorda.

The doors "began crumpling in and out.". Son said he tried to hold on to the door handles and the pressure took  his breath away.  He couldn't breath. 

They had sustained 185 mph winds....son said it was a level of physics he didn't understand, and his heart felt like "a fist shoved to his feet.". He thought the pressure was going to tear him apart. 

The doors eventually gave way, and I haven't heard where everyone was when that happened.  Everyone survived, that's the important detail.

We lost power for a while and I had to drive under three diwned trees held up by power lines to get girls to school.  Debris everywhere of course, but not much damage of property here.

My brother had a tree crumple part of his house and deck in GA.
 
Lighter



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No, it's not really a list. But it started with one!  :LOL:

For three months, I've pretty much had contractors here 4 days out of 7. We're not done yet - but it's getting CLOSE. All the windows and new doors are in; there's some trim yet to complete. The front door mechanicals - the latching system - was screwed up at the factory. So it's boarded, to keep it shut until the new door can arrive. That's not till the last week of the month.   :grumpy:   My front porch is my second living room. I have to walk around - through raindrops sometimes - to get to my covered porch right now. Inconvenient; not what I wanted... but not permanent, either. All in due time.

Contractors have moved on to upgrading the deck railings (they can finish trim in the rain) while the sun is kinda shining. Painters are sealing up the old logs, the new wood and slightly changing the colors. It's gonna look nice. I'm doing the poly on the inside of the windows - it raw pine; and have stained the lower bits of new wood in the living room. The upper part of that former big wall of windows... can just be what it is. It'll age. LOL.

Wood insert & new woodstove are installed. I have another bat in the firebox of the woodstove downstairs. I'm waiting till he's good & dead, before removing him.

I got up way too early this morning, because the arborists were here to take down about 8 trees before 7:30 am. They were done by 10 - brush chipped; logs sawn to size and stacked. Very impressive. So, assuming I can get my buddy to get HIS buddy with the bobcat to get my shed location squared away - I can call Texas and tell 'em to send my barn & shed on the truck up to my area.

Well company is going to inspect the submersible pump on Monday. Electrician coming Friday to replace GFI outlet outside that's exposed to weather. Then I just have to deal with ordering wood (most of what was cut today is NEXT YEAR'S wood; it has to dry)... deal with the water quality in the studio... and move a bunch of stuff into the new buildings so I can work in the garage this winter! LOL.

You know it's hard to find 63" long curtains now a days? I need to try searching again. (THIS is why I sew and need to get my studio set up.)
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Just going to let this ramble out... it's a musing... about what I know, from what I've been through.

Life is a gift. No matter how much one has lost, suffered - the intensity of it; the endlessness of it; no matter what. Life always has beauty in it (see: Navajo "Beauty Way"). Even when emotionally, we've shrunk our vision down into our immediate experience of wretched moment to fearful moment to uncertainty. Life does it's own thing; it's always got beauty in it - whether we're seeing it or not.

When I have those moments of paralysis - should I or shouldn't I? or Fear - if I say/do "X" then I fear these consequences.... (which are ALWAYS based on a set of circumstances that don't exist anymore except in my mind)......... when this happens, Life doesn't change. My ability to tune in and see/feel/hear the beauty in it does. There is even beauty in sadness; grief.

This is not to in any way say that there's something wrong with us, during those times we just can't tune in. We're human; sometimes we CAN'T - for whatever reason. But we can nurture the desire to tune in... so that we return to that wavelength easier & quicker. Over much practice... many days... trying & failing & trying again.

There's "treasure" in getting to know one's losses; seeing it from as many sides as possible; knowing one's own grief... and darkness of soul times. But I don't think we're meant to stay there. I wouldn't willingly CHOOSE to stay there... so I assume it's possible to move from that to a different "frequency".

That's how I think about this, anyway.
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Fwiw, I just read this quote from an interview with Brad Pitt (I'm not particularly a fan but love this quote). It seems to be saying the same thing my classics prof friend did. (He walked around thinking about ancient Greece and Rome all day, he probably actually thought in Latin.) And R&B has always been my favorite music along with classical:

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You've played characters in pain. What is pain, emotional and physical?
Yeah, I'm kind of done playing those. I think it was more pain tourism. It was still an avoidance in some way. I've never heard anyone laugh bigger than an African mother who's lost nine family members. What is that? I just got R&B for the first time. R&B comes from great pain, but it's a celebration. To me, it's embracing what's left. It's that African woman being able to laugh much more boisterously than I've ever been able to.

Embracing what's left. I guess the secret is in feeling the presence of what IS (left). When I can spend hours reviewing what's gone or never arrived.

I need to think about this more. A lot more. Preaching to myself, Tupp, but your thread has helped me ask myself some of the same questions you're dealing with.

Hugs
Hops
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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Hurricanes and perspective
« Last post by Hopalong on September 12, 2017, 08:57:08 AM »
My fav [sarc] broadcaster, Limbaugh, said that the National Weather Service and other meteorologists are part of a conspiracy related to bottled water sales, and that storm predictions are always over-hyped. He sneered his way through hours of pre-storm coverage.

Then a day later he evacuated from his Florida home....

Personally, I was pretty impressed with most meteorologists I saw who never said we guarantee it'll stay a 5, or 4, but who kept telling viewers over and over to take this one very seriously. As stressful as the mass evacuation was, it was the right thing to do, imo. Emergency services would be more overwhelmed afterward even if folks could ride it out...because the crises from clogged roads and cleanup without residential power would just keep mounting up.

The hardest thing to watch was elderly folks being evacuated in less than gentle fashion, though it certainly was better than leaving them knee deep in water, as happened in that one home in Houston. I think folks were for the most part profoundly selfless in these storms.

Bad things do bring out the best in us, in many ways. Good folks helping anyone in need far, far, far outnumber those who take advantage.

fwiw,
Hops
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I'm with you! I frequently write comments in the Washington Post, where at least reading others I find a host of caring, educated kindred spirits. You deserve a community of free thinking, anti-oppression people, too. I think the "village" atmosphere where you live is generally much less progressive than you are. Once your son's safely involved in college it should be a lot easier for you to find newer, larger social circles that feed and support this side of you.

Outrage and grief is exhausting but as ever, it's other people (and MOST humans are kind) who can lift us back up to our feet again.

Hugs
Hops
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Hops, yes, I agree with all of that - a bit more fun human interaction would make it easier for me to cope with all the things that I feel very powerless to do anything about and the inequality we have to live by.  I think the changes I've seen have shocked me.  I always felt very fortunate and privileged to be born into this first world country where everyone had the same rights and vulnerable people were looked after.  I wasn't naive enough to think it was perfect, but when I was a teenager racism was considered naff; if was something that the older generation had because they hadn't been given enough information and it was something that everyone was moving away from.  The same was true of people with disabilities, gay people, etc etc.  I feel like I live in a completely different country now, one where rights are the preserve of the wealthy or of criminals with good lawyers.  I am slagged off now for believing we're all equal and we all deserve the same chances.  People have referred to me as 'soft' because I believe wealthy countries should help victims of war, primarily by avoiding selling the weapons that destroy their homes, ideally.  My views are largely the same now as they were thirty years ago, yet thirty years ago I was considered 'normal' and now I'm considered 'extreme left wing'.

I do feel the weight of it so acutely, both the wider picture and my own day to day struggles.  But a good night out, a good laugh, time with friends that only want to enjoy my company, yes, that was such a luxury and one that I want to enjoy more often, even if it does little in practical terms to help those who are bearing the brunt of the changes within our current civilization (which no longer feels civilized to me).

On a more day to day level, I've plodded through the morning getting jobs done.  I've dyed my hair; I do find the disappearance of the grey hairs lifts my spirits when I feel low :)  The sun is shining so we're going out for a walk in a little while.  Our little friendly dog has moved away so we will have to find a new one to take out :) xx
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https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/6zk7um/dh_is_veras_tech_support/?sort=new

These N's think they can do whatever the F**K they want!!!  F**K THAT NOISE! 
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