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41
Hi Bonesie, how are you doing?  The weather is kind of weird here; very sunny but so cold; the days are getting longer and the crocuses are coming up but they've forecast snow and we've still at least a couple of months of winter to get through yet :)  How is it in your part of the world? xx

Hi, Tupp.

It's been cold here too and sometimes it has rained like crazy.

I can't wait for Spring!

I'm tired of the cold and how it's affecting my health.

Bluergh, I know what you mean!  I love spring :)  The birds are waking up here, there's a lot of singing in hedgerows and I've seen magpies gathering sticks for their nests.  The crocuses are coming up and there are catkins appearing on the trees.  Yesterday was beautiful and sunny here, today it's freezing!  Yes, come on spring, we want it to hurry up!! xx

Yeah!  I'm tired of being cooped up!

Also, I might be giving away my identity....I thought I would share the following snark from Valentine's Day.  Normally, Valentine's Day depresses me but this opportunity got me GIGGLING!:

"Darn! I just missed an opportunity to have some Snarky Fun! A few days ago, I got a Friend Request from an individual who was mutual friends with another Trekkie. I thought, "Okay, cool!" Then, this morning, I see that this "New Friend" had sent me a private message suggesting sex! (WTF?!?!?) I was all set to reply with the following: "I know it's Valentine's Day, however, I am an Asexual Alien from the Planet Whatever who's over 200 years old and needs frequent feedings and diaper changes. I would suggest you check with other Federation Worlds to see if you can find a better looking dude with chiseled washboard abs. I ain't it!" Unfortunately, the Facebook Folks had already jettisoned the idiot out the nearest airlock before I could send off my snark! I think I've been hanging out with David Gerrold so much that his influence is taking over the world! LOL!!!!"

Yeah THAT was FUN and gave me a much-needed laugh!  Even David Gerrold got in on the FUN which also helped to cheer me up!

Bring on the CHOCOLATE!!!!!!

 :lol:
42
I like the sister with another mister :)  I hope your hubby is as comfy as he can be, BettyAnne, it's such an aggressive treatment and I know when a friend of mine had cancer she said how weird it was to feel perfectly healthy but then to be made really unwell in order to get better!  It's a back to front situation for the mind to bend itself around.  I hope you're both in the best place you can be at the mo with regards to looking after yourselves.  Keep us posted on how you're both doing and lots of hugs to you both xx xx
43
Hi Bonesie, how are you doing?  The weather is kind of weird here; very sunny but so cold; the days are getting longer and the crocuses are coming up but they've forecast snow and we've still at least a couple of months of winter to get through yet :)  How is it in your part of the world? xx

Hi, Tupp.

It's been cold here too and sometimes it has rained like crazy.

I can't wait for Spring!

I'm tired of the cold and how it's affecting my health.

Bluergh, I know what you mean!  I love spring :)  The birds are waking up here, there's a lot of singing in hedgerows and I've seen magpies gathering sticks for their nests.  The crocuses are coming up and there are catkins appearing on the trees.  Yesterday was beautiful and sunny here, today it's freezing!  Yes, come on spring, we want it to hurry up!! xx
44
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Heist on Something....
« Last post by Twoapenny on February 17, 2018, 02:13:53 AM »
Tupp, you caught it all. Every nuance.

Except the one about fear of the future being about being alone or not. The fear I carry in the back of my mind that I feel ashamed of is that although I'm anti-dependency, I am afraid of winding up too poor to have help I'll need as an old woman. That fear. (Not just a loneliness fear.) I don't feel good about myself having that thought roll by because I do not want to think of any relationship as a security blanket. I didn't go hunting for a well-off man and never have, B was a spontaneous surprise. But it's been true there's been some relief within happy thoughts in imagining that I'd be "safe now." (My old gent showed me paperwork today for the new assisted living wing we'll move him to in spring. A small 1BR apartment costs more than twice my Social Security. And this is a moderate retirement community. So...I do have fears. They're pretty realistic, unfortunately.)

Clearly, I can walk away from that piece. I have before, and from a much bigger kind of security. It's a principle I can pull around me again. In fact, I probably will. It's just harder now, at my age.

But the most important thing is to figure out how serious this pattern of his is, what it may represent, and whether I want to live with that. I will definitely calm down over the weekend and talking to my T Monday will help too.

I just have a feeling it's going to be ending. I'll be okay if it does, though. Just sad for a while.

xo
Hops

((((((((((((((((((((Hops)))))))))))))))))))))))  Your fear about ending up unable to pay for care is perfectly justified, reasonable, sensible (oh my days, I know so many people who seem to think they'll never be in a situation where they might need help and they seem to think if they do, it will magically appear out of the sky).  But I don't think it's something you should feel ashamed of feeling or in any way negative about.  You haven't/aren't looking at B as a safety net, far from it - this has been/is an exercise in you jumping in to a whole pit of scary thoughts, feelings and emotions, and you've done it the way you do everything else - kindly, warmly, focusing on those around you and being soooo aware of how you think, feel, respond, whilst still being aware that other people respond differently and being open to that.  If you were in any way looking for a man to fix all of this you'd simply be going along with everything B wants so that you can get that ring on your finger.  And you're not, far from it.  I think I'm just saying please don't see the way that you feel about things in the future as a bad thing - I think your fears are perfectly justified (and sadly real - many people do end up without the care they need in later life) and I don't want you to feel bad about feeling that way.  You're in this situation with B now precisely because you aren't letting those fears dictate what you want out of life.  You're so strong, Hopsie, and that's probably why B's 'take no prisoners' tone has cut such a welt in you.  Hopsie isn't told what to do :)

It may be that this is the ending and do you know what, I'll feel sad about it if it is.  I've been so impressed by the way you've gone into this.  A lot of the things that have come up already would have had me heading for the hills but you've stuck in there, talked, thought, processed and worked through it.  I get that this one feels like a bigger 'uh oh'.  But yes, a bit of time for the feelings to settle, a good chat with the T, a conversation with B.  Maybe a little break without seeing or speaking to him if that feels in order.  I just think whichever way it goes you will make the right decisions for you, even if it's hard one that leaves you feeling that the future might be bleak.  We are all here for you, Hops, we've got your back xx xx xx
45
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Heist on Something....
« Last post by Hopalong on February 16, 2018, 10:22:39 PM »
Amber, yes and yes.
It's the "boss" (or "executive") approach.
It's not amusing to me any more. It hurt and I did feel disrespected. Anger yup, but that passes with me quickly. I just don't like feeling it, and it's also pointless. A calm conversation will happen but for some reason, I'm thinking I've been over-optimistic about all the obstacles. It took this one for me to think, uh-oh, maybe this is too much.

I am positive the class made him uncomfortable and I think his curt, cold, dismissive way of making his pronouncement (with an implicit "deal with it and don't challenge me" kind of tone) was what got to me most. Not just that he changed the plan, but WAY he did it without consideration or communication (he thinks telling me of a change IS communication, but he doesn't get the unilateral thing, and just announcing his decision afterward is different from partnership, two-way, alla that...)

If Valentine's Day was the official end of the honeymoon period, he did a bang-up job of snapping me out of it!

I didn't hear any real regret for me in his voice. The Tone doesn't include that.

Oy. Thank you a lot for seeing the flag wave along with me. Doesn't mean we won't work our way through it, but it is a real flag, I see it with my own eyes. And if I have learned anything, it's that a red flag is not a pretty red curtain.

love
Hops
46
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Heist on Something....
« Last post by Hopalong on February 16, 2018, 10:16:17 PM »
Tupp, you caught it all. Every nuance.

Except the one about fear of the future being about being alone or not. The fear I carry in the back of my mind that I feel ashamed of is that although I'm anti-dependency, I am afraid of winding up too poor to have help I'll need as an old woman. That fear. (Not just a loneliness fear.) I don't feel good about myself having that thought roll by because I do not want to think of any relationship as a security blanket. I didn't go hunting for a well-off man and never have, B was a spontaneous surprise. But it's been true there's been some relief within happy thoughts in imagining that I'd be "safe now." (My old gent showed me paperwork today for the new assisted living wing we'll move him to in spring. A small 1BR apartment costs more than twice my Social Security. And this is a moderate retirement community. So...I do have fears. They're pretty realistic, unfortunately.)

Clearly, I can walk away from that piece. I have before, and from a much bigger kind of security. It's a principle I can pull around me again. In fact, I probably will. It's just harder now, at my age.

But the most important thing is to figure out how serious this pattern of his is, what it may represent, and whether I want to live with that. I will definitely calm down over the weekend and talking to my T Monday will help too.

I just have a feeling it's going to be ending. I'll be okay if it does, though. Just sad for a while.

xo
Hops
47
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Heist on Something....
« Last post by Hopalong on February 16, 2018, 10:06:55 PM »
Thank you, Lighter. I'm surprised by your positive outlook on it but that was nice to hear. In fact, I'd been thinking about what you've said so many times--Don't make excuses for bad behavior. Believe him when he shows you who he is, etc. So this behavior and tone I'm talking about don't seem "bad" to you, or like I'm seeing behind the curtain kindsa things?

I really appreciate your perspective. (I was happy he went to the first class too. But I feel as though he kind of wiped that out by sabotaging the rest of it...). Oh well, he'll be happy golfing with another executive and maybe this is his own signal that we're not quite a fit. He's going to be in his familiar comfort zone.

Sigh. Thanks again.

love
Hops
48
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Heist on Something....
« Last post by Twoapenny on February 16, 2018, 06:48:33 PM »
I agree with Skep and Lighter here, deal with this as you have with all the other things that have come up.  I think it might be a good thing for him to know it made you feel angry - just to let him know Hops' empathy, understanding and desire to see things from another point of view doesn't equal pushover.

He may have been like this all through his marriage without changing because his wife never told him to.  Perhaps she just accepted it as part of who he is, or genuinely didn't mind or notice it.  Doesn't mean that you have to do the same, or that he isn't capable of changing now.

It's okay to be scared of the future.  It's normal!  Scared of being alone, scared of being with someone and not being happy, scared of being happy and losing the person - so many things to be scared of, I don't think it's bad or wrong that you feel this way and I don't think it should be something you don't like in yourself.  I think it's just part of being human.  You deserve happiness.  But yes, pay attention to the flag, particularly as it's a pattern you've been in before and taken a long time to get away from.  Perhaps he just said it in a way that he didn't mean to - perhaps this is how he is when he's doing what he wants.  Maybe he does see his partner as being secondary to his needs.  Maybe he felt bad about blowing you off and he became standoffish to put some space there.  But yes, I think he should have either spoken to you about it before he decided what to do or just been honest and told you he doesn't want to do the group (if that's what the real issue is for him here).  If he's away for a few days now you've got time to calm down, think about things, talk it through with your T and come to a neutral point in yourself again, before you talk to him about it.
49
Sigh of relief... Amy went; seemed to hit it off OK; came home with "homework"... did it and is slowly feeling like she has some control over her life  & is engaged in classes for her re-certification as an EMT. All volunteered info, btw. Every 2 week schedule for now.

Sounds like a positive experience and good start.
50
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Heist on Something....
« Last post by sKePTiKal on February 16, 2018, 05:04:15 PM »
I think I asked if you had the energy & desire to be this assertive all the time. It's an important question, because at our age - who wants to work that hard? At the same time, announcing that he's going to miss a class - that was important to you - for another social arrangement sounds like disrespect and dishonesty, to me. Especially with the tone.

So, I have my own executive tone of voice, in which I announce things and make ultimatums. I would state, in simple clear words... that I was hurt over the decision to bail on the commitment he'd already made, to go through the class with you. THEN, I'd ask him directly: did that class make you uncomfortable? And I'd expect an explanation about why he was uncomfortable and why he didn't see that as a challenge.

Only then, would I decide if I was righteously angry with him. And if I was, he would damn sure know it at that point.

But that's me, and I don't have any issues with facing a confrontation head-on. Calling him out. I wouldn't just accept his "pronouncement" about how he was spending that next class time without letting him know - front & center - exactly how I felt about it. And if he didn't like it, well I hear Florida's nice this time of year.

Your instincts about this ring true to me Hops; about how he sees the person who is his "wife" and I can fully understand that it's pushing your red alert buttons. It would mine, too. It kinda offsets all the work you've been doing (on your side) to give him the benefit of the doubt, see where things go and how you feel... and this is actual treatment, reality of behavior, that you will have to choose whether to accept or not.

Sadly, letting the first instance of it go... can contribute to the creation of the pattern. So I'd first protest it and then sit back as objectively as possible and analyze his response. I might even tell him, I'll be grading him on it. One person doesn't get to be "boss" in a relationship. Ever. In my book. As a couple, it's considered MANNERS to consult with the partner before making significant decisions that affect plans already made. It is rude, inconsiderate, and yes, "entitled" too.

I'll save the rest of my outraged suppositions until more is known about what's really going on here.
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