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With over 100,000 posts and 2 million pageviews, the Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board has become a valuable resource for people learning about and dealing with narcissistic spouses/partners, boyfriends/girlfriends, parents, siblings, adult children, bosses, and co-workers--as well as other sources of "voicelessness."
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 on: September 15, 2014, 11:21:10 AM 
Started by Twoapenny - Last post by Twoapenny
Hops and TT, thank you both so much.  I can't tell you how much support and comfort I get from the words of people who I know truly understand, you know?

I am starting to pick up again, I think the depths of darkness that still come up from time to time suprise me - so intense and sometimes such huge revelations and realisations.  So much pain, and yet we carry it with us for so long, don't we, and still manage to raise our kids and go to work and do the 'normal' stuff.  Amazing, really.

But yes, things are starting to level out again.  My car broke down yesterday.  A friend came to collect my son while I waited for the breakdown lorry, my sister happened to be driving past and stopped to see if I was okay and then a friend's husband came to look at the car for me today, it's not worth repairing but he knows of a cheap one and is going to see if he can get it for me, I have experienced a lot of kindness from ordinary people!  It is not a bad thing to be, I think I just haven't done it before!  So it's new, and therefore scary, I suppose.

I am trying to pluck up the courage to ask out a man I know a little.  He has done some work on the house a few times and is very sweet and kind.  I can't quite get myself to do it yet.

Thank you both for your words and your kindness xx

So how are things with the car and that sweet guy?  Or am I butting in?

Ha ha, no, not butting in at all, TT, thanks for asking Smile  Mr Maintenance Man isn't due back until the end of the month.  That will be the last of the work that needs doing so if he says no there won't be an embarrassing meeting at a later date when he comes back to finish some jobs off!  I'm not brave enough to ask him directly and don't want to do it that way because you can bet your life something will happen with my son at just that moment and I won't get the chance to anyway!  So I'm going to write him a thank you note and just add that if he'd like a drink one evening here's my number, and hand it to him as he leaves.  The idea of it really scares me.  I am really bad with rejection and, of course, he might be married/have a girlfriend/gay/not interested.  But I do need to do something to get myself out of this rut I am in so I'm hoping a little note isn't too pathetic??!!

The car was irreparable so I've got a new one, again organised by someone else who knew someone else - more kindness and people doing good things for me.   I know I wrote on a thread here ages ago about something that a therapist did with me once.  It was a situation I had to imagine, something along the lines of I went to a party, met ten people, seven liked me, three didn't, how did I feel?  It hit me like a train, the thought of three people not liking me was soooooooooo completely unacceptable I honestly had trouble breathing and it was clearly a big issue for me (the seven people that liked me didn't register at all, it was the three that didn't that consumed me).

And I think I still have a problem with that.  I focus a huge amount on people who don't phone, don't text, don't visit, don't want to get together - yet I meet with and chit chat to people all the  time who are kind, sweet, caring - imperfect and ordinary, but definitely the sort of people I should be focusing on more.  Yet for some reason I crave the ones who don't want me the most.  I think perhaps I've been so sensitive? scared? of 'the sort of people who cause me problems' that I've focused on that and not enough on the ordinary people who are a perfectly good mixture of good, bad and indifferent, as we all are.  So I think I need to really work on changing my focus.  And aside from all of that, the new car was very cheap and it's great (it has cup holders, which my son thinks are 'awesome') Smile

 on: September 15, 2014, 11:15:33 AM 
Started by Gaining Strength - Last post by Gaining Strength
I continue to move forward, focusing on developing visualization a of being loved and accepted and  included with support and understanding. 

Those images came to me last night throughout the night, entering my dreams off and on.  It was a night of difficult sleep as I had eaten something that made me sick.  But the good of it was the opportunity to see these dream scenes which were comforting.  Eah one transforming from powerlessness to the ability to  transform.

Now to bring it to life.

 on: September 15, 2014, 11:12:39 AM 
Started by Gaining Strength - Last post by Gaining Strength
Skeptical - I have seen that response in several people even children.  It always saddens me to the core.  I have no idea if I did that or not but I do know that I pushed people away as I got older with resentment and bitterness.  While I was aware of my actions I saw them as logical reactions and was unable to understand why that pushed people away. 

.of course now I get it.  And now is what I have to do something differently.

 on: September 15, 2014, 11:12:26 AM 
Started by sKePTiKal - Last post by Twoapenny
A new phase sounds good, Skep.  It's good to get your teeth into something, I think.  Do you have any kind of project in mind, or are you waiting to be inspired?

 on: September 15, 2014, 07:30:09 AM 
Started by sKePTiKal - Last post by sKePTiKal
I'm just gonna plunk this here and add to it for a little bit. There is something "new" going on.

There is a decided difference - like almost two different people - between Twiggy & me. She still gives me some trouble from time to time - embarrasses me, really. "I" am not either/or. "I" am some kind of ninja-blender combination of both. But that hasn't exactly been defined. The "recipe" hasn't been written down yet. I've had a good long time to sit with both the left & right sides of "me" now and have just let myself drift along waiting to see what "draws me to it".

Well, patience my ass. I'm tired of waiting on the cosmic answer. Time to design something functional, that is fun and happy that satisfies Twiggy's "needs" and my crazy standards - the product of what Twiggy survived; my coping styles. A little sweat of the brow, will be good for me. I'm still not "bored" yet, btw. But I am restless, looking for _______, and don't have clue one what it is. That's OK. Been awhile since I had an "adventure", designed & made something, built something.

Time for a new "phase".

 on: September 15, 2014, 06:59:36 AM 
Started by Gaining Strength - Last post by sKePTiKal

I can't relate much to father issues. Mine just wasn't there enough; and I knew I wasn't getting rescued. To me, fathers are super-heroes that only exist in comic books and movies; a myth I've not experienced in person.

But the mothering -
we are human; we ALL want to be taken care of. To feel "safe" and "protected" and loved for who we are. It's a heart-instinct, you know?

I don't know if your experience was like mine: but I developed stainless steel, titanium-alloy, carbon-fiber armadillo scales that would explode if you tried to touch them (they were that heat-sensitive) on my "outside". So that NO ONE wanted to take the chance to take care of me. Very Happy Know what I mean? I would literally, instinctively, "warn" people off trying to even talk to me.

I simply wouldn't allow it -- it was a THREAT, because I expected more from people in other types of relationships than they were offering (because I was sooooo needy for that mothering and sooooo empty) and so: to avoid facing that void; the abyss -- I simply avoided those kinds of relationships all together.

It's a paradox; the one thing one needs the most, becomes the biggest threat to one's security.

Sometimes, ya just gotta "boldly go where no man has gone before"...  Very Happy

 on: September 15, 2014, 06:41:37 AM 
Started by bearwithme - Last post by sKePTiKal
Awww Bear. I'm afloating in the same boat - off & on. (You'll remember me as PR, perhaps.)

First, let me say you haven't "failed". Even though it might feel like a win-lose proposition. What Hops called delusion, I'm going to rephrase as "wishful thinking". Those of us with moms like "that", still cherish that small hope that perhaps by fixing ourselves "enough"... growing "enough"... becoming "strong enough"... that we can find a way to finally establish a relationship with that mom, no matter how meager the actual facts of the relationship. We hope that those "moms" - over time - see what they've denied both of us and at least regret it; apologies aren't really necessary as long as change happens. It's not a rational choice. It's an emotional one - based on the fact that we can love and want to - and that's plain old "human".

What GS said:
Had I known what I now know, I would have cut my ties with my family when I left for college and never looked back.
I did that. My mom mentions that all the time - like it's the crowning achievement of my life. I always think: WHY do you think I left & never looked back??? I just never say it. No point. She's getting up there in years and of course her health is declining - and we've been playing the "telephone game" again. She is fishing for me to come parent her and thinks she's set the hook. Except I don't want to. She's trying to imply that she might die before "she gets to see me again". Ayyyup. And that comes with the whole toxic bag of feelings: primarily guilt.

I should've forgiven her more; I should've tried harder; I should've been more tolerant... all Stockholm Syndrome kinds of reactions. Hell, I just wanted her to be a human with normal maternal feelings toward me. All the reading I did about "Attachment Theory" - seemed to focus on the child in that relationship. I'm thinking these days, that while one probably has a greater chance of success - helping the child-adult child feel whole - putting the focus on the parent instead, just might open up a whole new way to "work through" things.

Why is the parent with holding that relationship, denying their responsibility for things that "went wrong" in the relationship? Do they BLAME the child for something? What are their limitations as a person and how whole, or human are they? How healthy? And do they have any desire for any reason to learn to be different? Then... they need to learn x, y, and z... and try a little bit from THEIR side of the relationship. Old dogs learn new tricks all the time.

For starters: drop the emotional blackmail. A healthy relationship, that is based on mutual trust doesn't dangle the object of our wishful thinking in front of us... and then insist we accept THEM, as they are, warts and all... and adjust ourselves to that. Meet me half way, after a 1/2 century of shutting me out. That's a fair offer. It's hard work and it takes both parties being willing to work at it, or you're just wasting time. With my mom, I feel as though she's blowing her last chance. She STILL doesn't get it. I don't hate her - she is my mom; but at the same time I have absolutely no basis, no memories; no point in my life that I can relate where we bonded; I felt accepted and loved; where I was seen as a separate human being from her with my own quirks and warts, and that could be just fine. She's always insisting I'm just like her; even now. She's someone I've known for a very long time, but I'm not real close to. End of description.

And it's not all my fault. Therefore it's not all my job to fix it.

Every time the phone rings, I hope... this is the time it changes. Every time: it's not. At least she doesn't leave me messages anymore, saying: Why aren't you home? And bitterly answering her question with - I suppose you're travelling. (Which I don't do by the way -- that's HER wish.) It's odd; it used to be that she would call when I was already upset about something - insult to injury, you know? Like she had ESP... and no matter what, I had to pick up and listen to HER tale of woe (which hasn't changed in 50 years). But now I'm just out running errands... the mental telepathy link is broken... and I'm not taking her bait either. That's an acceptable level of "freedom" for me.

I think (one can only guess) that when she dies, I'll be sad that she didn't really live a full and fulfilling life. That we weren't close; because she has no idea what that is. And then I'll be relieved that I no longer have to pretend that I'm holding up my end of a non-existant relationship.

 on: September 15, 2014, 04:43:08 AM 
Started by BonesMS - Last post by BonesMS

 on: September 14, 2014, 08:24:08 PM 
Started by Gaining Strength - Last post by Gaining Strength
Today I had my washing machine hooked up finally.  The only major functioning item not working is the TV and I am on the fence about having cable.  It just seems like such a gouge. 

I worked for a couple of hours on  one of the upstairs rooms.  We are really making progress. I'm beginning to see a difference.  Steady, steady. 

We exercised again today.  I think it makes a difference.  The emotional pain is noticeably less afterward.

 on: September 14, 2014, 09:59:54 AM 
Started by Gaining Strength - Last post by Gaining Strength
Today it is church and then start to reclaim yard.

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