Just writing this here as I wanted somewhere to put it before the memory fades and this is always the safest place
WARNING - MAY TRIGGER - SORRY.
I have been pottering along with my slower paced, healthier life. I've been meditating most days, doing a bit of yoga, spending time in the garden, putting my feet up and reading and generally looking after myself and being less frantic. I had a bit of a 'ooh hoo' moment when several things happened at once and I went into rescue mode but it was over very quickly, I paced myself again, reset my boundaries and carried on. It was my son's birthday last week and we had a lovely time with a few friends over and a day out.
I went down with a very heavy cold (I do find that resting and looking after myself does tend to make me react in some way, I suppose your body lets out toxins or stress or something?). I've looked after myself, plenty of fluids, lots of Vitamin C and so on, but had a terribly sore throat that I couldn't shift. One of the meditiations I've been using works on clearing and realigning the chakras and one school of thought is that a sore throat indicates a blocked throat chakra so when I woke at 2am the night before last with my throat literally screaming I tried a throat chakra meditiation.
I had the most horrendous flashback, all physical, with the only other sense being a feeling of being in my childhood bedroom. I could feel something being forced into my throat, not being able to breathe, fighting and struggling to get away and not being able to. The feeling of control and being forced to surrender was awful. My legs were pumping as if I were trying to run but I couldn't get up from the bed. It was almost like an out of body experience, I think, as one part of my mind was terrified whilst the other was quite calming thinking "it's a flashback. It's not really happening again." It didn't last for very long; I was sobbing and felt very small and vulnerable but at the same time did feel some sort of sense of release and of something being 'out there'. I didn't really sleep much again that night but the following day was nice and sunny so it was nice to spend time in the garden. Last night I couldn't sleep again, my throat was still very sore and this morning I woke and literally had no voice, which I always think is funny when we have all felt so voiceless at times that sometimes it becomes a physical reality. It is starting to come back now, though, which my son is very disappointed about
I do feel tired and a bit out of it (and I did keep losing time yesterday, I noticed) but I also feel that something has been unblocked and let out. I think maybe the fact that we've moved and feel safer is one thing, and maybe my son's age is triggering things off now as well. Either way, I am glad this is happening here in our new home where at least I can sit in our lovely garden rather than the old place where I'd have been feeling glum anyway.
As I say, just parking this here for now so it doesn't get lost as the week moves on. Very, very glad to have this safe space, as always xx