Thank you, Tupp and Lighter.

THANK YOU.

Really. Words fail.

love,
Hops

Hops:

I'm sure your dd knows you're there for her.....

inhabiting the place where "mother" abides in the heart of a child not yet orphaned.

The saying goes....

"children often judge their parents, and seldom forgive."

Your dd is in that space, unfortunately.

I have hope (No, I never managed to banish hope) dd will soften and return to you, as she grows, and learns her own tough lessons.....

::remembering her inability to care for her cats::

Life isn't easy, and there are no instructions.

That's a lesson we learn with time, and struggle, IME.

(((Hops and dd)))

Lighter

Hi (((((((((((((((((((((Tupp)))))))))))))))))))))

I also admire the girlfriend because she understands how the kids would feel.

I've been having a rough time, emotionally, this week so I've been staying to myself.

Hi Hops,

I know what you mean about the situation being taboo.  I think, alongside the reluctance and embarrassment that goes with talking about things like this, the lack of understanding of the situation and how things can happen this way makes talking about it difficult.  I find a lot of people expect me just to kiss and make up.  They've no idea of the pain I've been through or the damage it does to me being near or around my mum.  Or the multiple times I've tried to build bridges and have a relationship with her, only to be beaten up and thrown away once again.

I guess we all wish there was something we could do to fix things.  And sometimes, there just isn't.  I suppose in the same way my mum fixes on me instead of focusing on her own (very poor) mental health, your D makes you her nemesis instead of figuring out what's going on with her head/biochemistry/lifestyle - whatever it is that causes or contributes to her current situation.  It must be as hard for you to bear that as it is/was to bear the way your mum was with you.  I am so sorry.  You deal with the whole situation so courageously.  I hope she figures things out and makes some small contact, however little that might be.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Hopsie))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Ah the girlfriend sounds really nice, great for those kids that she's still involved and still cares for them.  If I meet people who've been a really big part of a child's life and then haven't seen them again after the relationship breaks down it makes me feel sad (unless that's what the kids wanted or they've had to because of distance).

How are you doing Miss Bonesie? xx

http://www.creators.com/advice/dear-margo/what-to-do-about-quot-old-quot-kids-2013-05-17.html

Today's "Dear Margo".

Hi Kelly,
My D specifically, and vehemently, does not wish me to contact her.
So there's no way I can continue to demonstrate my love for her, except
to respect her choice. Which I have done faithfully except for two text
messages in two years (and a birthday card). Even those, she resented.

So now...abiding. The only way I can show love for her now, I believe, is to
abide. And to completely and profoundly accept that the ball is in her court.
That's what she's asked for, and though it muzzles me, it's right to respect it.

I do love her unconditionally. But I also had to stop supporting her.

It was a very painful transition.

love
Hops

Wow! Thank you for sharing that. It described my NM to the letter. Isn't it fascinating how their behavior is so completely textbook? They're all exactly the same. Identical in every way.

Hops:  Clarify for me.  Wasn't your mom an N?  So what is your D's beef with you?

I know when my Nmom and I hit critical mass around 10 years ago and I loathed her, my daughter was 16.  She constantly defended my mom and really gave me a VERY hard time.  Now suddenly she is an adult, my "perfect" dad passed and my nmom has become mean to my kids.  Now they don't like her but they like me.

I know it is often easy to blame our parents.  I know I have been a wreck a lot of my mothering years trying to deal with my over controlling mother.  My guilt.  Being a single parent.  Having an autistic youngest child which kept me away from a great deal of the older girls' things.

My hope is that your daughter will come around.  Is there something you can do to show her unconditional love?  I have always told my mom that I believe the parent should make the overtures to keep a relationship going.  Nmom always thinks we kids should defer to her so she won't make the effort.

For anyone needing a laugh today:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lu5MYS7804k

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GDk8qxztJLQ&NR=1