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With over 100,000 posts and 2 million pageviews, the Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board has become a valuable resource for people learning about and dealing with narcissistic spouses/partners, boyfriends/girlfriends, parents, siblings, adult children, bosses, and co-workers--as well as other sources of "voicelessness."
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 on: April 08, 2015, 03:47:28 AM 
Started by BonesMS - Last post by BonesMS

 on: April 08, 2015, 03:45:53 AM 
Started by BonesMS - Last post by BonesMS

 on: April 07, 2015, 07:30:04 PM 
Started by Dr. Richard Grossman - Last post by Dr. Richard Grossman
Hi lighter,

I'm glad she wrote--but because the comment was so non-specific, it's hard to know how significant it was or even what she meant.  But over 400 plays are submitted each year, and Kate can't cater to the needs of every disappointed author.  I'm very much appreciative of all the work she, her colleagues, and her staff at Boston University do to put on such an event.  Because Hildy (my wife) organizes two big events for Upstage Lung Cancer each year, I have an inkling what it's like (I'm always listed in the program as "patient husband"  Wink  ).


 on: April 07, 2015, 06:40:11 PM 
Started by sunblue - Last post by sunblue
Thank you all for your insights. Yes, the damage is overwhelming.

Personally, I feel just as--if not more--betrayed by my sibling for turning his back on me because it is "easier" for him. That kind of selfishness is worse than that of the N parent. At least you can argue that the N behaved in the way he/she was taught to by his/her own N parent. Not much of an excuse but an explanation.

In my case, my sibling bro is neither an N or Co-D. He built a healthy family of his own with a wife and daughter and chose to throw me away. I did nothing but go out of my way for him and his whole family. Further, I feel siblings should do the opposite when coming from N families. Who needs the support and love of a sibling more than those of us who are virtually alone and dealing with the loss of parents?  How cruel is it to turn on their siblings and instead be the brother or son to someone else's family?

I feel so betrayed by my sibling. I can honestly say I never did anything to warrant this treatment. It is selfish and heartless on my sibling's part and so hurtful. In my opinion, his behavior is just as bad in its own way as the pain inflicted by an N mother and Co-D father.

I am at such a loss right now. I could never, ever imagine treating anyone--let alone my own flesh and blood--in this way. The worst part is knowing there is no solution. You can't force a sibling to want to be a sibling. But it is just as cruel--maybe even more so--as being neglected and ignored by N parents.

 on: April 07, 2015, 02:28:52 PM 
Started by Dr. Richard Grossman - Last post by lighter
Did the comment feel like a comforting pat on the head, or something else?


 on: April 07, 2015, 01:25:08 PM 
Started by sunblue - Last post by Twoapenny
This Easter represented another first for my family and I. Over the last 8 months since my dad died, there have been a number of them: first Thanksgiving and Christmas without him; first birthday without him and now first Easter without him. They have all been very difficult.

However, as more time passes, I become more aware of the collateral damage that comes with being raised in a Narcissistic household and then losing one of the parents that created the environment. In my case, I realized that I lost a sibling (brother) who opted to turn his back and walk away from his family--including me--even though I was not at fault for creating the situation. Instead, he has consciously and deliberately "adopted" his wife's family as his own. He is as completely invested in them as he is disinvested in me and our remaining biological family.

I feel utterly abandoned and betrayed although I understand his feelings towards my parents and their N/Co-D behaviors. Still, if is both painful and humiliating to watch him (and his family including my only niece) completely turn their backs on me without a thought. Another holiday like today just emphasized that.

So many losses! Is this common? How can a sibling never look back and be so happy doing it?

All I can feel is deep betrayal and even deeper sadness. We lose both parent and siblings leaving nothing but a trail of loneliness and aloneness.  I now must face and accept this new layer of reality.

Has anyone else experienced similar sibling collateral damage?

Hi Sun,

I'm sorry for your situation.  I have to say I am quite like your brother in a lot of ways.  I have very little contact with any of my siblings because I just find it too difficult and too painful to deal with.  It's not their fault, or anything in particular that they do or say, but I find just being around them gives me the old feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness, being dirty, stupid etc and I just can't handle it.  So I don't have an awful lot to do with them and if I'm honest I would love to find another family, as your brother has done with his wife's, and take them as mine.  It's no-one's fault, I know it's such a hard situation to be in.  My heart aches for not having a family but I just can't have the ones who are left, there's too much damage there and it's just too tough.  So it might be that your brother is in a similar situation and finds life easier when he's not faced with reminders of what used to be.  Hard on all of you but I would say try not to take it personally (easier said than done, I know), he might just be coping as best he can the same as we all are Sad  Sorry for your loss, it's another blow to deal with.

 on: April 07, 2015, 12:40:48 PM 
Started by sunblue - Last post by Overcomer
My dad died in 2009 and since then the family has fallen apart.  We still have my nmom who thinks she's the center of the universe but she has really lost her ability to control.  Part of that is because she married a guy who doesn't orbit.  He loudly protests so a lot of her behavior has gone underground so he won't know about it.  I think slowly but surely she is trying to manipulate him into the fold but I don't think he'll go without a fight.

The dynamics are crazy.  My brother finally proclaims his hatred of nmom and all the religious brainwashing we were made to endure.  His anger is directed at mom's youngest baby sister who has always infiltrated our family.  Since she is 10 years younger than mom and only 8 years older than my brother, she has taken on the role of golden child.  Brother, of course, is scapegoat.  This drives him crazy!

Our aunt has told me, "you guys have never had to want for anything.  It's not fair so we are taking as much as we can get."  We feel as though she and her family are stealing our inheritance and manipulate my N mother by always playing the victim.

Yes, at the ages of 60 and 55 my bro and I are STILL suffering the collateral damage.

 on: April 07, 2015, 12:33:42 PM 
Started by Dr. Richard Grossman - Last post by Overcomer
I guess my belief is if you go into business to provide a service then you are obligated to provide everyone that service.  I guess it's having to put words on the top of the cake that is protected.

 on: April 07, 2015, 10:59:07 AM 
Started by BonesMS - Last post by BonesMS

 on: April 07, 2015, 10:40:11 AM 
Started by Dr. Richard Grossman - Last post by Dr. Richard Grossman
Thanks, Lighter and Hops!

I appreciate the encouragement and well wishes!


P.S.  I probably should have added that the director of the Boston Theater Marathon, Kate Snodgrass, also handwrote an encouraging note (which I also appreciated) on the "rejection" letter:  "Very nice writing, Richard."

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