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With over 100,000 posts and 2 million pageviews, the Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board has become a valuable resource for people learning about and dealing with narcissistic spouses/partners, boyfriends/girlfriends, parents, siblings, adult children, bosses, and co-workers--as well as other sources of "voicelessness."
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 on: September 26, 2014, 04:34:41 AM 
Started by BonesMS - Last post by BonesMS

 on: September 25, 2014, 04:07:32 PM 
Started by Izzy_*now* - Last post by Izzy_*now*
Fight over me gals!!!

I love it!!!!


 on: September 25, 2014, 03:08:39 PM 
Started by Gaining Strength - Last post by Gaining Strength
Today seems more difficult than usual.  This may be part of the healing pattern where the pain gets worse as I get deeper into it.

While at the store midday, it was as if they were standing right there telling me that I had gotten it wrong before and would get it wrong this time too.  It was so loud and so oppressive.  A window on that little child within me, deeply repressed, as yet unsealed, still calling the shots.  Being in touch with her, I can talk to her and steer her away from their destructive condemnation.

On my way home, I felt the grip, as though I was being restrained forcefully.  I felt both rage and impotence.  Hundreds of memories with the same feelings flashed before me and I saw with my adult eyes as I felt with my child's heart the power of my fathers OCPD decrying every effort to accomplish simple chores. 

But the biggest vision I had was how my minds radar searches for what it knows - affirmation that I don't deserve, that I mess things up, that I am a hopeless failure.  I saw it plain as day. 

But I can overcome this.  Al the pieces I need are here for me. There are deeper levels of pain but the understanding and tools are already available.  The work seems infinite because the layers seem to go deeper without end.  Every time I have significant healing the next layer emerges and I start all over again.  But I have to believe there will be a measurable significant shift to free me.

I must keep working and not give up.

 on: September 25, 2014, 12:58:07 PM 
Started by Gaining Strength - Last post by Gaining Strength
Two things: I am able to deal with the pain fairly well when I am not "doing" anything, while in the state of avoidance.  That sounds of no value but actually it is.  So one step I can take is to begin to be willing to be present to the pain rather than watching tv, surfing the internet, etc.   that will be a strengthening exercise.  With a bit more strength I can be present to the pain when facing the tasks.

Second, in the midst of pain it is time to face, it, examine it, and challenge it.  Bit by bit.

 on: September 25, 2014, 12:35:06 PM 
Started by Gaining Strength - Last post by Gaining Strength
I have used these thought experiments to shift myself out of victim hood.  That is no minor achievement.  I was really stuck there and for years I knew it was not good but seemed impotent to shift.  So that is an important, recent achievement.  My awareness continues to expand.  That is good. 

I believe words have great power, so in times like now when I dont seem able to latch onto the ability to find the right frequency I am falling back onto the right words. 

I am becoming increasingly aware of how subconscious memories work at putting me into a feeling of rejection and failure,  it is very subtle and very painful.  The pain is experienced as a constant irritant but when I look into the source and connect with it it is enormously painful.  In the past week or so I have bee bombarded with memories of great pain from my 20/s.  This is related to the way anxiety got attached to everything.  So this pain is attached to everything.  I see it replay like a nightmare.

To work on reducing the intensity of the pain is my initial goal.  Let it emerge, no longer repress it.  Talk to it. 

When the pain occurred I processed it as evidence that I was a total failure and then I repressed that fear and became desparately.  So now it is my job to talk to it, to recognize that that was a lie.  It would have helped to have had someone who loved me help with that message but now I do have me.  I finally have me to give that message.

 on: September 25, 2014, 12:14:42 PM 
Started by Gaining Strength - Last post by Gaining Strength
Even though I know what is causing this paralysis I still get stuck.. 

While I am looking forward to my EMDR appointment tomorrow, I see that I must work diligently at developing my mind muscle.  I resist it, I'm not sure why. Perhaps the evidence of progress is not there.  That will cause me to  feel hopeless.  That hopelessness is a double bind.  I absolutely must commit to work harder.

 on: September 25, 2014, 10:17:59 AM 
Started by Gaining Strength - Last post by Gaining Strength
After a lifetime of fighting a wretched feeling I have been learning and coming to understand so much that is behind it in these past few months.  That understanding alone has not freed me.  But I believe the work I have done in the past 15 years has prepared me to move forward now. 

Early in the summer I thought things were popping quickly and by summers end I would be walking in freedom.  That didn't happen.  But  I am more aware of the right work to be done.  While I walk a razors edge teetering above a depressive abyss, I am finding myself able to stay above.  I see in profound clarity how my mindset has trapped me.  I have several sets of tools for shifting my thoughts out of condemnation and rejection but it is not as simple as flipping a switch.

All night long I awake with some kind of dark dream and all night I work to shift those thoughts.  It is during the day that I had developed a practice of avoidance.  I hate that place but I have to keep my perspective that it took me decades to even come to see that it is avoidance of severe psychic pain that is at work in this wretchedness of paralysis.  Having that insight has given me yet again a renewed hope of overcoming it.

First I am thankful for this understanding. It goes towards lifting the self-blaming which carries its own costs.  With this understanding I am able to more easily work towards hope.  When I face this  avoidance (over and over throughout each day) my unconscious reaction is to feel hopeless but now I am able to remind myself to reject that.

I am working hard to shift my constant being into a state of feeling love and acceptance.  It takes an inordinate amount of effort and is not always successful.  Yesterday I realized that this lack of obvious progress has caused me to give up for years.  But now, because I believe that shifting my thoughts and bringing myself into a place of ole is the way, I am able to renew my focus over and over and over again.

I do not have this muscle yet.  I want to develop it.  And so I work on it without cease.  I have nothing to lose.

A year or two ago I saw so clearly how I was trained to think darkly about myself.  Now I am training my mind to think in a different way.  I have already had many successes.  I keep these in mind to help encourage myself. 

I would like to figure out how to set goals so I can mark my achievements as I go along.  I'll be thinking about this, something tangible like monitoring weight.

Of course I wish this were faster but honestly I am thankful for my progress - for the understanding I have developed and for the work I did for so long that has given me techniques to use to lift myself up.

 on: September 25, 2014, 08:21:55 AM 
Started by BonesMS - Last post by BonesMS
I sent an e-mail to one of the police officers who I've dealt with on other occasions and told him what has been happening since this past Friday.  Turns out, he is the SUPERVISOR of the officer who blew me off.  (I didn't know that.)  This morning, I got a phone call from the officer, who blew me off, asking me to come to the station and write a Witness Statement of everything I observed yesterday.  I wrote about five pages of everything that I saw and heard and it has been given to a detective.  It appears that the police are finally taking this case seriously.

Now I wonder what will happen next?

Giving a bit of an update.

It had been awhile since I reported this and I had no idea what has been going on since the report.  Last week, Wednesday morning, I received a phone call, from Adult Protective Services, asking me if I had heard anything at all or had seen my neighbor.  I had to say "No and No".  Turns out that APS had been calling the police officer, who was supposed to be investigating from his end, and he was NOT returning their calls!  Apparently, he was blowing them off just like he blew me off.  I sent a follow-up e-mail to APS with a "cc:" to the officer's supervisor regarding what has been going on or, more accurately, what has NOT been going on.

This morning, BEFORE 6:30 AM, my phone rings!  I'm wondering WHO is calling me at THAT UNGODLY HOUR?!?!?  Turns out to be the police officer who had been blowing me off!  He informs me that he has communicated with Adult Protective Services and gave them information that they have been asking for ... (I'm thinking, "Yeah, asking you since JULY!")  He tried to play "cover his ass" claiming that APS never left a message for him.  (Yeah ... right ... and I have a bridge in Brooklyn to sell you!)  Looks like my email to his boss prompted his boss to light a fire under his lead a$$!  I love it when a plan comes together!

 on: September 25, 2014, 05:10:14 AM 
Started by BonesMS - Last post by BonesMS

 on: September 25, 2014, 04:55:10 AM 
Started by BonesMS - Last post by BonesMS

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