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With over 100,000 posts and 2 million pageviews, the Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board has become a valuable resource for people learning about and dealing with narcissistic spouses/partners, boyfriends/girlfriends, parents, siblings, adult children, bosses, and co-workers--as well as other sources of "voicelessness."
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 on: May 22, 2016, 11:59:32 PM 
Started by Hopalong - Last post by debkor

We all or most have fear of being a failure. I sure do. And I fail at times, sometimes by choice. Like this past week. Things are over whelming and everything is out of control. Sometimes they are not in my control. Sure I try to keep everything in order but then One Thing happens and throws you off. Then another and another.  And I do a ..F it. Now when I do this it's going to get worse but I have to step back and really quiet myself and rest my body.  I don't know what's more depressing looking at a mess or knowing things are going to get put back in order (big cleaning job) inside out. Shew!

But yes I shut down! Yes I fail! And Yes I am a Human that feels very afraid at times. No shame in that although we tend to set standards that No Human could keep 24/7 for ourselves. We speak kinder to others then we do to ourself. We wouldn't shame another over being tired, being afraid, being depressed.  I do that to myself too at times.

It's okay Hops. It's alright to examine and feel bad. It does not make you a failure. It makes you human. Don't be so hard on yourself. I've reminded myself to do the same. It's been a bad week. So right now I'm looking eyeball to eyeball with my little pug sitting in the middle of the kitchen table just wagging her tail away. I gave her a slice of my cheese and a hug and put her down. She is NOT allowed on my table but tomorrow is another day and we will start over and reinforce..No table!  I should have done it tonight but I failed to do it.

So me too Hops...I fail at things too But I'm not a failure, Neither are you! Don't be scared.  Cause I am too.  We'll get through things.  We always do. 

Love Deb

 on: May 22, 2016, 01:42:14 PM 
Started by Hopalong - Last post by Twoapenny
G, could you do something like WWoofing?  You work in all sorts of places, farms, small holdings, off grid communities, nature reserves, that sort of thing.  It's usually unpaid, so you get food and board instead of wages.  Or some other sort of volunteer programme overseas, building wells in Nairobi or schools in Bangladesh, something like that?  Was just thinking you could take off, be around people who are half decent or opt for working at places where no-one else is around if you prefer the solitude.  Travel a bit, be in and around nature, write/blog about what you do.  Just say bollocks to this job you hate and these places you don't like living in and go off and be an adventurer, even just for a year.  I know how low I can get when I feel forced to live a life I don't want, it can be very draining.

 on: May 22, 2016, 09:46:52 AM 
Started by Anonymous - Last post by Hopalong
I think this is extraordinary.

Hopeful. Powerful.

Thank you.


 on: May 22, 2016, 09:40:31 AM 
Started by Hopalong - Last post by Hopalong
I want to read that.
I think shame has been a huge factor in my depression.
Feelings of failure. Parenthood. Work. Garden. Creative life.

Thanks, G.


 on: May 22, 2016, 09:37:23 AM 
Started by Hopalong - Last post by Hopalong
I get it. I wish you could get out into nature for a weekend too.

Thank you for this update--what a writer you are.
In a way it's a portrait of depression but also of adaptation and survival.

I'm glad about the hummingbird.

You're one of the writers who make reality more real.
Some poets take their experiences and drill down to the rhythm
of life and language while refusing to decorate what is unreal.

I think you're that kind of poet, Boat.
Got no advice, but I am glad to hear how you are.

I hope you get to see your nephews.


 on: May 22, 2016, 07:46:05 AM 
Started by sKePTiKal - Last post by sKePTiKal
Yeah, Lighter... I should be expecting the grief boomerang by now, I think. I've really nailed down the pattern by now. Given my lack of obligations to others and expectations on my time - I could have had a lot more done by now. But as I go through this process of lightening my "load" of "stuff" I can even tell myself - oh that won't take long at all - and I just avoid it because I'm emotionally not up to the task. I think the saddest part are all the things put back in a pile, for that "someday" that never came when he would feel like working on that project or doing things he liked to do. If I wasn't right there (and doing it for him in a lot of cases)... he didn't even remember about them and would go off in another direction.

That's one of the mysteries for me. He always needed someone to do things with and simply wouldn't function on his own. "Lonely" was a frequent word he used. And most of the time, that someone had to be me - it couldn't be anyone else. And there I see the old co-dependent; enmeshed emotionally pattern that my mom forced on me... manifested differently. If I wanted him to come along with me to something I wanted to do... it didn't happen. I got stronger, over time, in that relationship with him. The revelation of boundaries still yields buried treasure. And I think the relationship got deeper too, but not in a way that could talked about - at least for him. I think he had a lot of emotional intelligence but it just wasn't connected to verbal expressions.

Rainy few days here. The reaction to selling his truck is past. I'm working on the paperwork/files to send in for the estate tax again. That's one thing I've put off & put off. It's SUCH a mess, knowing what's what and organizing it so that someone else can look at it and understand it. I keep dangling the carrot, for myself, that once I've accounted for everything then my finances will be a LOT simpler with a LOT fewer accounts to keep track of... that I should be able to do it all in my head. LOL. Oh... and having dinner with the bankers next week. The investment banker and his trust/estate co-worker from the big city. She's really nice and has worked with me (us) since we started organizing all this. And even knows all the warts and drama of the family. Been a couple years now since we've talked to that part of the bank... so it will be good to catch up, run a few ideas/decisions past her, and watch Chad's face react to my radical ideas - LOL. He's the son of neighbors and kind of a friend of the family too. We have always enjoyed his company... but he's still wet behind the ears, in a lot of ways.

 on: May 22, 2016, 07:17:40 AM 
Started by Gaining Strength - Last post by sKePTiKal
Stopping by to say hi... how are you?

Have you found where the edges of you are yet? And where they touch the things you've lived through? (They ARE different things.) What connects them is that swirling mass of emotions - some blending easily from you to the experiences & back; and some staying lumpy & chunky & crunchy and resistant to processing. I'm still trying to figure what a good laxative for emotions is... LOL. To ease emotional constipation.   Shocked     Surprised

 on: May 22, 2016, 06:02:22 AM 
Started by BonesMS - Last post by BonesMS

This sounds familiar!!!!   Razz

 on: May 22, 2016, 05:10:07 AM 
Started by Twoapenny - Last post by Twoapenny
I've been thinking today about what I feel I need to have in my life to feel happy/content, what makes for a good life, I suppose.  So far I have got:

Good friends/healthy relationships
Having fun
Helping other people
Being appreciative
Keeping the body active
Healthy eating
Living in nice surroundings
Earning money in an enjoyable way

Good friends/healthy relationships - well, we all know my struggles with that!  I have got some very good friends but I do tend to over focus on the not so good ones.  I think I need to really work on my need to be 'liked' and thought well of by everybody, and sort of being all things to all people.  I am getting there slowly, but I want to try very hard to keep my attention on the good people I know and perhaps trying to reach out a bit more to try new things/places in an effort to get to know some more people.  I do realise now my low feelings about myself mean I don't often approach other people or initiate conversation unless I'm forced to (ie one of those difficult situations where you're in an enclosed space with someone and it's more difficult to avoid talking than it is to talk).  I did spend some time yesterday planning some trips and days out over the summer and I have got a couple of social things coming up in the next few weeks so steps in the right direction, I think.

Having fun - now this I really struggle with and you'd think that would be easy!  When I was younger I was always drunk, high or stoned and that was how I enjoyed myself, so I never really got to know what I like to do.  I didn't stop all of that until my boy came along so everything since then has had to be done within the confines of the home or cheap enough to enable me to pay a babysitter so I do feel a bit stuck as to what I really enjoy so I think I'm going to have to try lots of things and see which ones I really like and which I'm just doing to fill in the time.

Helping other people - well I do that too much so I think I need to find some sort of voluntary work so that I can help people but also be reined in when necessary, plus I'd be helping people who actually need/want help rather than just running around after people when I shouldn't be.

Being appreciative - I do need to work harder at this as I do tend to see negatives and gloss over good bits.  I do meet some lovely people from time to time who are just kind, friendly, helpful and so on so I need to focus on that more and also, I think make more of an effort to tell my very good friends what very good friends they are.

Keeping the body active - well I did some yoga this morning and I ache all over now!  I am busy during the day but not usually with things that I really enjoy so I think I need to find some new places to walk with my son and try to do some yoga more often.

Healthy eating - I do struggle, I am a biscuit monster but I have tried very hard over the weekend and have done pretty well, I think, so I think I just need to keep working on trying to find other ways to comfort myself instead of stuffing my face.

Living in nice surroundings - well my house is as nice as it can be but obviously I don't like the area and want to move, there isn't a huge amount I can do about that at the minute so I will just have to keep focusing on that changing and be ready for it when it happens!

Earning money in an enjoyable way - well that is a very tricky one for me, I am going to have to give that some thought and see what pops up but I think that's probably a really big conundrum for most people these days, we all need cash but very few get up in the morning delighted about the day ahead of them so I will have to put my thinking cap on there.

Anyway I think that's enough for now, that is plenty to be getting on with!

 on: May 22, 2016, 04:45:00 AM 
Started by Twoapenny - Last post by Twoapenny
"generally just feeling apologetic for breathing"  ....  yeah same here

Yay, G, you're back!  We've missed you Smile

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