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With over 100,000 posts and 2 million pageviews, the Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board has become a valuable resource for people learning about and dealing with narcissistic spouses/partners, boyfriends/girlfriends, parents, siblings, adult children, bosses, and co-workers--as well as other sources of "voicelessness."
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 41 
 on: January 27, 2016, 05:56:41 AM 
Started by BonesMS - Last post by BonesMS
http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2016/01/dear_prudence_my_sister_used_our_brother_s_death_to_raise_money_for_a_crisis.html

 42 
 on: January 26, 2016, 04:03:28 AM 
Started by BonesMS - Last post by BonesMS
http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2016/01/dear_prudence_i_moved_my_kids_and_me_back_in_with_my_abusive_parents.html

 43 
 on: January 26, 2016, 03:49:58 AM 
Started by Twoapenny - Last post by Twoapenny
Awwww, Tupp.
I'm so sorry for that horrible abandonment.
And your mother, by being so unkind, abandoned you too.

I wonder if you isolate yourself or find it hard to trust/connect
because you are carrying on the orphan feelings as an adult?

I was no orphan but I do feel so scared and alone at times.

And you're on your own with a huge parenting burden that nobody
helps you with. I can't imagine how hard that is sometimes, to feel
that "unhelped."

I admire you a lot for your persistence. The rest, the emotional
healing and calming...I feel sure it will come for you in time.

You're going through an awful lot right now, and anticipating a
huge change you're going to go through on your own. It takes
a lot of courage and you've got that!

hugs
Hops

Thanks, Hops.  I'm sorry you feel the same, though, feeling scared and alone just isn't a nice thing to experience.

I am finding part of the reason that I am so alone right now is that I've put boundaries in place.  I used to be very popular, I think, simply because I did a lot for other people and didn't ask for anything back.  Once I stopped being a sounding board, or said to people that they couldn't come round whenever they liked, they needed to phone first - simple boundaries that a lot of other people have as a matter of course - I found a lot of them just vanished and I realised it wasn't me they wanted, it was what I could do for them and they've just gone off and found that somewhere else.  So I've raised my standards, really, and I just haven't met new people where I live currently to replace the other ones, although I have tried hard and tried to make connections.  But I feel perhaps our way of the world now is that more people just take what they need from you without it giving back?  I don't know.  I also find my son's disability very isolating because other people just don't understand the things you go through, so I've lost that ability to empathise with someone who is having a crisis because their handbag doesn't match their shoes, for example, or listening to people moan about their healthy kids doing things that I'd give anything to see my son be able to do so easily.  So I think that puts a barrier up, as does just being exhausted and endlessly dealing with the public sector, which in the UK is an absolute nightmare to deal with.

But I am hoping our upcoming move will bring us new things.  I know the people down there are friendlier than they are up here and they're much more outdoorsie and there's a lot more going on - around here people seem to mostly go to the pub and watch telly, neither of which are particularly my cup of tea.  So fingers crossed things are changing.  Thank you for all of the support I really appreciate it.  How are you finding the job hunting going at the moment?  I hope it's going okay xx

 44 
 on: January 25, 2016, 09:19:10 PM 
Started by Twoapenny - Last post by Hopalong
Awwww, Tupp.
I'm so sorry for that horrible abandonment.
And your mother, by being so unkind, abandoned you too.

I wonder if you isolate yourself or find it hard to trust/connect
because you are carrying on the orphan feelings as an adult?

I was no orphan but I do feel so scared and alone at times.

And you're on your own with a huge parenting burden that nobody
helps you with. I can't imagine how hard that is sometimes, to feel
that "unhelped."

I admire you a lot for your persistence. The rest, the emotional
healing and calming...I feel sure it will come for you in time.

You're going through an awful lot right now, and anticipating a
huge change you're going to go through on your own. It takes
a lot of courage and you've got that!

hugs
Hops

 45 
 on: January 25, 2016, 01:12:44 PM 
Started by Anonymous - Last post by teartracks


What if capitalism is unsustainable, and socialism is impossible?

Ken MacLeod



 46 
 on: January 25, 2016, 04:16:24 AM 
Started by BonesMS - Last post by BonesMS
http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/2016/1/24/0/irate-husband-makes-a-scene-when#disqus-comments

This Neanderthal knuckle-dragger sounds like another piece of work!

 47 
 on: January 25, 2016, 02:34:35 AM 
Started by Twoapenny - Last post by Twoapenny
Meditating again, this morning I got an overwhelming sense of anger at my dad for leaving me.  Unfair and illogical as my mum got a court order to get him evicted and then he died a couple of months later so it wasn't his choice, obviously, but I still felt incredibly angry that he left me.  After he died I used to think up all kinds of stories and scenarios that would explain how it had all been a big mix up and he'd turn up unscathed.  I used to sit out by the side of the road on a Sunday, which is the day he used to come down to see us, and wait for his car.  One day a car just like his came over the hill and I remember jumping up, I was so sure it was him.  It wasn't, of course, he'd been dead for months by then, but I can remember that feeling as I leapt up to wave to him and then realising it was someone else driving past (even though the man in the car was waving back, but I didn't know who he was).  I think that's where this feeling of waiting to be rescued and so desperately wanting someone to want me enough to come and get me comes from.

Anyway.  Cried buckets.  Feel very tired, but in that way that you do when you've let something go.  There's the most beautiful sunset this morning.  Seems very apt. x

 48 
 on: January 24, 2016, 06:32:04 PM 
Started by Anonymous - Last post by teartracks



Reading some of my old "Recovery" notes...

The Controller

We aren't the people who "make things happen".  Controllers are the people who consistently, and with a great deal of effort and energy, try to force things to happen.

We control all in the name of love.

We do it because we're "only trying to help".

We do it because we know best how things should go and how people should behave.

We do it because we're right and they're wrong.

We control because we're afraid not to do it.

We do it because we don't know what else to do.

We do it to stop the pain.

We control because we think we have to.

We control because we don't think.

We control because controlling is all we can think about.

Ultimately, we may control because that's the way we've always done things.

Tyrannical and dominating, some rule with an iron hand from a self-appointed throne.  They are powerful.  They know best.  And IT WILL BE DONE THIS WAY.  They will see to it.

OTHERS do their dirty work undercover.  They hide behind a costume of sweetness and niceties and secretly go about their BUSINESS - OTHER PEOPLE'S BUSINESS.

OTHERS, sighing and crying, claim inability, proclaim their dependence, announce their overall victimization, and successfully control through weakness.  They are helpless.  They need your cooperation so badly.  They can't live without it.  Sometimes the weak are the most powerful manipulators and controllers.  THEY HAVE LEARNED TO TUG AT THE GUILT AND PITY STRINGS OF THE WORLD.

DETACHMENT

Means living a life not centered on the other person.

THE BOMBSHELL THEORY

"I cannot change another person by direct action.  I can only change myself by God's grace.  Others may have a tendency to change in reaction to my change.

THE SERENITY PRAYER

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference!"



 49 
 on: January 24, 2016, 12:32:19 PM 
Started by Twoapenny - Last post by Twoapenny
Me, too.
Loneliness.
Phone rarely ringing.

I think Facebook is part of it. Folks migrate there for their daily humanity and we don't give each other our voices anymore.

(((((((((((Tupp)))))))))

Hops

I'm sorry that you know that feeling too, Hops.  It's strange, I know so many people, and they're all happy for me to visit them or join them on nights out and so on.  But they don't initiate contact and I can't go for nights out very often as it's difficult (and expensive!) to get someone to sit with my son for the evening.  And then I resent spending money I struggle to afford to go and be with people who can't be bothered to phone or come round to me one evening instead and so I don't go.  I have been going to the meditation group and I enjoy that but I've also found that I'm so used to be alone now that I find the company of others quite tiring - the effort of making conversation seems to take it out of me more than it used to.  And I find I'm not interested in other people's day to day stuff, or their problems, I feel like I only want to share with the few people I feel very close to?  I'm aware I've cut myself off to a certain extent, I just feel quite dead inside a lot of the time, but full of longing as well which is odd.  My sister came round yesterday afternoon and when I opened the door and saw it was her it was all I could do not to groan.  I love her but she just talks about herself and all her problems the whole time and I'm just not interested.

I tried getting into Facebook thinking it might help but I found it quite annoying and lots of people I would prefer to forget kept popping up so I abandoned that idea!

I don't know how we change the situation of getting people to want us?  It's that feeling of someone wanting me that I miss, just for the sake of me, rather than because they have a problem to get off their chest or something they want me to do.  But you can't force other people to do things and I feel that I don't want someone to ring me because I've moaned about being lonely, I want them to phone because they want to.  I might have to try some sort of mind bending or something and see if that makes any difference Smile xx

 50 
 on: January 24, 2016, 12:23:25 PM 
Started by Twoapenny - Last post by Twoapenny


I did want to say thank you to all of you, and to you, Dr G, for being here and having this place.  I wouldn't feel safe or comfortable talking about some of these things anywhere else, whether online or face to face, anonymously or otherwise, and it does really help me to be able to write this down and to feel safe doing it so thank you all so much for giving that to me xx

Hi Tupp,

I feel lucky to "know" all of you.  Through the years, this "place" has gathered wonderful people, and it has been an important part of my life.  So glad you're here!

Richard

Thank you, Dr G Smile  It's good to be here.  It's so kind of you to run this and let us all loose on it as well Smile

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