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21
((((((Tupp))))))))

Quote
I've not had a day off in sixteen years or a decent night's sleep for twelve.  I haven't had a night out without him for eight years and even going out with him I only manage to get out two or three nights a year.  I spend an average of a couple of hours a week with good company, if I'm lucky.  And that really is pretty much it.  Most of the time I'm on my own and I just haven't got the energy any more to try to keep changing things with all of that on my shoulders.  So I do feel hopeless now, unfortunately, because I really can't see any other way to do this or any other way out.
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SOMEBODY needs to see this and hear this. I know you're only sharing your rational, researching, responsible ordeal with the agencies, etc. But you've got to have people who can see that and hear that.

Even though my decade of caregiving wasn't as critical, and I did have breaks while I was at work, I understand some of this. Certainly the trapped feeling, which I imagine is worse for you.

That said, even though I understand that you have an accurate and searing view of the situation, I still believe you need to resist your despair. I also agree that the system is failing you and it's not your fault.

I think being alone with that much hopelessness is like being seriously ill. You need support and if it can't manifest in the social structures of the area, you CAN find it with the T. Or some deliberate group thing.

If you can't stagger another step, emotionally, is the biggest obstacle to going to your T or to some free support group such as AA or Al-Anon or Survivors Anonymous (or whatever exists in your area, even a church) -- is the biggest obstacle lack of a sitter for your son? A church might help with that.

Or is it possible you don't want to drag yourself to a group because being vulnerable and in that much need publicly, conflicts with the image the village culture expects and that you've always tried to maintain for others?

If it's the latter, hope you'll say screw it. I remember one time in the midst of a near-breakdown my panic attacks and chest pain took me to an Emergency Room (department) in Kentucky. They hooked me up with a hospital psychiatrist, who told me to attend a hospital-based group therapy. It cost about as much as a hamburger. I did, and got so much strength from that experience that I was able to go forward. I was sitting with people who had endured as much pain as I had and worse (one had multiple scars on his arms from failed attempts) -- and the compassion, insight and understanding I got in that first group support experience changed my life.

It just made me able to go on. And believe that my pain was seen and cared about. By real people, in 3D.

I so hope this for you, Tupp.

love,
Hops

22
It's okay, Tupp.
No pressure to write or narrate when you're this drained.

I'm just worried about your hopeless feelings, and the fact that you mentioned dark searches about suicide. That's a real trough.

I know this is a weird online world, but I do truly care about you. I know others here do too.

Thank you for getting up the energy to reply.

Just when you feel the least able to, sometimes that's the most important time to drag yourself to a T appointment............ if there's any way I/anyone could help that happen?

love
Hops

Thanks Hops, I care about all of you, too :)

I can't see the point of a T appointment, simply because I really feel this isn't about me, it's about being stuck in a system that fails to support my son or protect us from my mum.  For me, that's the real issue at the minute and the key problem (and what's caused this latest fall off the cliff), because we are once again dealing with a public sector agency that isn't doing what it is required to do.  And unfortunately that's the way it is here in the UK, the internet is awash with stories like mine (and some a lot worse).  And there is nothing I can do other than do all the paperwork myself and then send it back in and wait to see that they do next.  They've already told me that essentially there is no college place.  The college doesn't feel they can meet his needs, plus they are full.  So we will have to carry on at home and I just can't do it anymore.  I'm not willing to put him into care, and that frustrates me as well - it's such an extreme situation, either I do everything and provide 24/7 care by myself, or he goes into a care home.  There's no middle ground there, which drives me mad (and is designed that way, I believe, to make people battle on without help because the alternative is just wrong).

I have kept thinking about what you said about needing a circle of support around me and you are right, and the more I've thought about it the more I've realised I can't have that here, simply because it's too close to my mum.  I am constantly on my guard because I'm worried about what might get back to her and what she might do with it.  It's a small, cliquey sort of area, lots of villages around a couple of small towns and there's a lot of gossip and everyone knows everyone else and who they're related to.  So whatever I'm doing I'm aware it might get back to her and so I'm constantly careful about what I say to people and where I go, and I only really realised that this week.  I think I'm so used to doing it that I just hadn't paid attention.

I do genuinely feel that there is no hope, simply because I live in a country where disabled people have few rights and the sort of support my son needs simply isn't provided.  I have been trying to get him help for fourteen years now and I have failed.  When I got pregnant I had a good job, my own place, a car, a social life, and I thought it would be easy.  I thought I could teach for a while after he was born and then take him abroad and teach my way around the world, with him learning anywhere from a private International School to a little mud hut in the middle of a jungle.  I honestly thought I could do all of that and, if he hadn't been disabled, I think it would have been possible.  And so as time has gone on I've down graded my hopes and dreams and ambitions and kept thinking, "one day, one day" and I've worked so hard and tried so many times to make things happen and do something with our life.  And I've failed, every time, because I've just had this tide of people working against me and I've kept adjusting what I hoped for and scaling it back a bit more.  College wasn't the option I wanted for him but I'd told myself to think of it as a social club and I'd be getting six hours a day to myself so I could get my fitness back, spend some time doing things I enjoyed, maybe do a bit of paid work.  All of that is less than most people do without even thinking about it but it was as much as I hoped for and I'd got myself to a place where that would do.  And now even that isn't an option, because there's nowhere for him to go.  Now I'm having to think "well, at least he'll have a tutor for a couple of hours a week so I can use that time to clean the flat or cut the grass".  And that's pretty much it.  I've not had a day off in sixteen years or a decent night's sleep for twelve.  I haven't had a night out without him for eight years and even going out with him I only manage to get out two or three nights a year.  I spend an average of a couple of hours a week with good company, if I'm lucky.  And that really is pretty much it.  Most of the time I'm on my own and I just haven't got the energy any more to try to keep changing things with all of that on my shoulders.  So I do feel hopeless now, unfortunately, because I really can't see any other way to do this or any other way out.

I do appreciate all the advice and support and I'm not going to hurt myself, but I was really close and that scares me - next time I might go ahead?  I feel very bleak at the minute and really, without forty or so hours a week being provided by the state I just don't know what else I can do xx
23
It's okay, Tupp.
No pressure to write or narrate when you're this drained.

I'm just worried about your hopeless feelings, and the fact that you mentioned dark searches about suicide. That's a real trough.

I know this is a weird online world, but I do truly care about you. I know others here do too.

Thank you for getting up the energy to reply.

Just when you feel the least able to, sometimes that's the most important time to drag yourself to a T appointment............ if there's any way I/anyone could help that happen?

love
Hops
24
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Heist on Something....
« Last post by Hopalong on November 19, 2017, 11:52:12 AM »
Thanks, Amber! I know it seems a silly thing but it's a test of my degree of tact and his of defensiveness. There's no way around it.

Haven't seen him since I got the Huge Cold (still recovering) and though we meet for lunch tomorrow, it'll likely be a week before we...errr... snuggle again.

I do like your phrasing--"Squeezing the stuffing/pee...."

For me it's not just uncomfortable but a tiny bit anxiety inducing. Could this be a sign of dominance? Hmmm. Mutter mutter. I'll find out.

He is a self-confessed perfectionist, which is probably a thing that may look controlling (don't see it so far but I'm hypervigilant for signs) but is actually anxiety based. Or it could be how an engineer operates/sees things. Doesn't matter to me if it's a small issue (like my Dad's near-ocd passion for order, which somehow was never hurtful to anyone else). But if it's a large psychological issue with him in relationships that'd be a concern and it's critical I find out.

All this is why I want to take lots and lots and lots of time, and do dates that open us to different experiences, and see how we each respond in different situations.

Small things do loom big in potential significance so I am working to contain my own anxiety. Two divorces and loss of family don't lend one to feel brave about getting close again! But I would like to if it can be. I carry fear about it because looking back, in my first marriage choice I ignored huge background differences between us, and in my second I ignored psychological red flags. BANNERS.

hugs and thanks for listening to the minutia of my re-entry into this possibility.

Hops

25
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Heist on Something....
« Last post by sKePTiKal on November 19, 2017, 10:48:17 AM »
Have you had a chance to ask him not to squeeze so tight yet? I'm wondering how that went.

I ask, because I have known guys that would be a tad sensitive about the question at all - taking it as some sort of "performance critique". Yeah, it's kind of ego-based on their part. It's usually followed by an over-lengthy discussion about how they don't know their own strength, and a simple statement of my claustrophic (and very much triggered memory) feelings. Sometimes a joke gets the point across, but doesn't hit their ego tripwire.

"You're squeezing the stuffing (or pee, as the case may be) right out of me!"

Not that I've had occasion to even need to worry about that in a while. Just vicariously walking myself through some "what-ifs" while following your adventure. I'm really not entirely sure I'm brave enough yet to be "available" that way.

ETA: I think I like IDEA of it... but that's as far as I'm willing to venture.
26
((((Tupp)))),

Checking in on you. Think of you daily and sending calm and endurance.

How are you?

love,
Hops

Thank you, Hops, I really do appreciate your kindness and your words, thank you, I just don't feel like I have anything to write, I am so wiped out with it all and I just don't know what to do any more xx
27
((((Tupp)))),

Checking in on you. Think of you daily and sending calm and endurance.

How are you?

love,
Hops
28
Quote
"Always remember people will come and go, but you only have one MOTHER forever!
Love her always because there will come a day when she won’t be here to hold....."

I dread seeing these memes. There's always a bombardment of them around Mother's Day. I don't want to ruin a friend's thread with my true feelings, so find it best to avoid Facebook during that time. I have to sit on my hands and bite my tongue to stop myself from writing: "My mother is dead and burning in hell, and I'm HAPPY about it. Burn, witch, burn!" :P

Well, given the numerous discussions I previously had with her, I just gave her a gentle reminder of how SCREWED UP her ex-husband was and that his being screwed up didn't occur in a vacuum.  I don't hesitate to say to her:  "Yeah, your ex-husband, my NGCB, WAS AN A$$HOLE!  Egg-donor Jocasta made him that way!"
29
Quote
"Always remember people will come and go, but you only have one MOTHER forever!
Love her always because there will come a day when she won’t be here to hold....."

I dread seeing these memes. There's always a bombardment of them around Mother's Day. I don't want to ruin a friend's thread with my true feelings, so find it best to avoid Facebook during that time. I have to sit on my hands and bite my tongue to stop myself from writing: "My mother is dead and burning in hell, and I'm HAPPY about it. Burn, witch, burn!" :P
30
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Heist on Something....
« Last post by Hopalong on November 16, 2017, 07:09:37 AM »
I'm finding the smooshy stuff a challenge too, but it's fun to be "back in the water", so to speak.

Small example: he's quite attractive and that is lovely. But he hugs too tightly. It's just how he hugs. I was startled at first because I thought he was in the grip of emotion, expressing intense feeling. But nope, it's just how he hugs. Picture a very large vise, clamp, etc. So my task is going to be (so silly to write this out but it took a lot of tension to mentally rehearse it) -- telling him this without hurting his feelings.

His moustache is closely trimmed but the hairs are like little redwood logs. Very scrapey.

I can live with the 'stache but I think the too-tight holding I gotta deal with. Almost gave me a "trapped" feeling. I just need to follow the rules I learned a long time back (just haven't had the occasion for a couple DECADES...eeek!). Like, always start with the underlying positive:
--I love being close to you. I feel safe and snuggly. There's something so comforting about your body.
(and then the thing I'd like to ask for)
--Could you hold me a little less tightly? When you pull me toward you so hard I instinctively pull back. It feels nicer for me when we both can move freely.

What I AM liking: He called me the other night just to say he'd been feeling lonely. It was real and I really liked it that he names it and shares it. I wrote him an email the other day to say how much it helped my cold because he'd written to ask if I felt better, that I'd gone back to sleep "with a smile on my face." He responded that me writing that made HIM smile.

Sounds small and silly, but that he can be even that expressive is a relief. We're talking about an engineer, ex Air Force, conservative guy. For his generation and personality type, he does seem in touch with some feelings. He also mentioned having been to a counselor, and also having participated in a bereavement group (in which he tried to help everybody).

We'll see. One date at a time...

hugs
Hops
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