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21
(((((Tupp)))), I feel such respect about your decision not to buy booze. And gladness.

I am so sorry you experienced that deep, dark, weary breakdown.
But you expressed it. You didn't harm yourself or anyone else. Bravo.

I don't know why a friend offered you a free car and no-strings support but I'm so glad she did. (Maybe you reached out on social media?). Whatever caused it, if you expressed your anguish in a way that brought real-world support to you...that was honest and wise and real. Bravo to you, and I hope you take her up on it. Don't let shame stop you--people don't make offers like that unless they're able to sit and talk.

Meanwhile, thinking of you daily. I know you are not fragile, and the salvos from your toxic mother just broke through. Her timing was as nasty as her personality is, but she is truly powerless.

I hope after rest and self-care and kindness directed inward daily, some energy and hope will creep into your heart. One golden thread at a time. And knit you up again.

It's possible to wind up stronger at the broken places.

(I don't need an individual response...when you're drained it's too hard).

love to you,
Hops

Hops, I feel fine today.  I honestly felt like I had been possessed by some sort of evil demon these last however many days.  I didn't feel that I had any control or impact on anything I could say or do.  Yesterday I felt very numb, but I could see there were good things around me.  Today I woke up feeling almost normal - tired, a bit whiplashed, but okay.  I decided to start decorating my son's bedroom and have spent the day filling holes in the walls and sanding down what needed sanding, ready to start painting tomorrow.  It's still useable while it's being painted so I don't need to rush.  I also rearranged a little nook outside by the front door so I have somewhere nice to sit with a coffee in the morning and cleared some space in the shed ready to unload things from the van.  It has been a quietly productive day and I feel okay.  Thank you :)

The friend just happened to pop in yesterday morning as she'd been to the shop in the village and called to see if I was home.  During the course of our chatting she said to call her any time, she's always happy to help.  That was nice.  She recently threw her husband out, after discovering he's had yet another affair.  He had a car that she had paid for which he left behind, so it's currently sitting on her drive, unused.  She recently received an inheritance after her mum passed away so she's good for cash at the mo, which is why she said she was happy for me to have it.  As kind an offer as it is, I was actually quite looking forward to using the bus and train.  I find it more relaxing than driving and I think I need to sit and watch the world go by more.  So I think I will probably say no thank you, but what a lovely offer.  Such kindness.

Yes I'm glad I didn't buy any booze as well.  I didn't even go too mad on the biscuits, either!  Lol.  I did some chicken in the oven with lemons so it's lovely and juicy with a lemony tang and a big pot of kale, broccoli, mange tout and spinach, with a little garlic.  Made enough for tomorrow and have enough bits in the fridge to do a mushroom and spinach pasta thingy tomorrow as well to put in the freezer.  Made banana bread to satisfy my sweet tooth and to use up the bananas that have gone very soft while I've been in my cave.

I'm doing okay.  Thank you :) xx
22
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: This and That
« Last post by sKePTiKal on September 16, 2017, 03:11:28 PM »
There are a couple ways to make that walkway Lighter. But since you want to plant moss, you're going to want to use the easiest way.

So, first step is outlining your path. Landscapers use a kind of spray paint to do this - but you can just layout length of hose, rope or even string. Then, you'll want to clear the sod off... and if you like, you can go down a couple or 3 inches, so the stone wil bel "sunk" in the dirt and the moss will grow up over the edges. I used to do this with creeping thyme.

So, you can either go gather stones (easy for me)... or have a pallet of "paver stone" delivered. The commercial stones will be more uniform in depth, even though there will be some variations. Then just lay them out in your own personal "puzzle" pattern. For moss growing, I'd use a mix of topsoil and peat moss (to hold moisture)... scoop it on top of the stones and then broom it in between. Wet it down really good - wait a few days - wet it again and plant your moss. I think you can also "feed" moss old milk... maybe it's buttermilk.
23
I don't need a response either, Tupp. I just wanted to send you some care and encouragement. You take all the time you need to sort this out. After all these years, I don't think any of us are going anywhere. 

Hey, if you like "old bat".... maybe we can come up with some other names for "she who must not spoken of by name"! Call me childish - but even something as tiny as this - can help you see how much power you really have over her attempts to un-nerve you.

More HUGS! More hugs for Tupps & Little Tupps!
24
Mio-mio is better. Uses the box to pee in - I'm still finding "presents" other places, but sometimes she'll even put them in the box. She's been confined to my bedroom most of the week, because the contractors have been in/out - and of course taking out a window or door and there's no way to keep her in the house, otherwise. Queenie is settling in - and has been adopted by the painters while they're here. She's been on flea/tick stuff this summer and just got her first dose of wormer. THEN, when it turns cold and the contractors are done - I'll try introducing her into the house.

I'm still having "Michael dedication music nights" - about once a month. Last night was another. It's kind of amazing how fresh the grief stays. But I just dive right into it now... wallow till it's time for bed... and get up the next day and go on. It seems to work out OK to do this - and kinda feels like I'm taking care of my self in the process. Not that I'm fit for human company during those times, mind you. I know I'm definitely open to another relationship some time down the road - but I'm not actively "looking" either.

I did sign up for Our Time - the over 50 online dating service - and so far, haven't seen any reason to subscribe. LOL. I don't have any interest in dealing with most of the kinds of guys I see "looking". Kinda seems like shopping in a thrift store, of old worn-out clothes that I have wonder where that shirt or pair of pants have been... and not sure I even want to touch it! LOL. Maybe it's kinda like grandkids, too - I enjoy them when they're around - and am really relieved to give them back. I have set Holly to keeping an eye out in the city for me, too. I'm not sure we really have the same taste in men - but she's got a pretty good idea of what I might find interesting.

I'll be getting out more and doing things again, when these projects are done. The long list of essentials (to my way of thinking) has provided a reason (or excuse) for me to take my time processing the grief and practicing interacting with guys again. A big part of that practice - is simply just getting to know ME and how I respond to different guys; what I find interesting or attractive or reliable in them. I don't if there are any guys (my age) who might entertain a more casual relationship than "going steady". They all seem to want mommys, housekeepers and nurses... and I've done my share of that in relationships. Not attractive to me anymore. So, I'm kind of my own worst enemy at this "dating project".

With Ronnie around - and his crew of younger guys that are all willing to help out around here for the place to stay during hunting season (and some of my improvements in that area are for them too)... I think it's do-able to try what I want to do here, by myself. His brother was here this morning with the backhoe, and build a shale pad for my little shed -- and fixed up the road into the "huntin ground" too. He said to call him if I need help with anything and Ronnie's not around. It seems like a good deal to me... I might have to throw in some breakfast and cold "beverages" once in a while. And I keep an eye on the wildlife for 'em.
25
(((((Tupp)))), I feel such respect about your decision not to buy booze. And gladness.

I am so sorry you experienced that deep, dark, weary breakdown.
But you expressed it. You didn't harm yourself or anyone else. Bravo.

I don't know why a friend offered you a free car and no-strings support but I'm so glad she did. (Maybe you reached out on social media?). Whatever caused it, if you expressed your anguish in a way that brought real-world support to you...that was honest and wise and real. Bravo to you, and I hope you take her up on it. Don't let shame stop you--people don't make offers like that unless they're able to sit and talk.

Meanwhile, thinking of you daily. I know you are not fragile, and the salvos from your toxic mother just broke through. Her timing was as nasty as her personality is, but she is truly powerless.

I hope after rest and self-care and kindness directed inward daily, some energy and hope will creep into your heart. One golden thread at a time. And knit you up again.

It's possible to wind up stronger at the broken places.

(I don't need an individual response...when you're drained it's too hard).

love to you,
Hops
26
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: This and That
« Last post by lighter on September 15, 2017, 09:30:54 PM »
I was busy all day with a friend, and his parents, who live in Florida, but have sheltered with him.  They were lucky, bc they didn't lose anything... not a window.  Not a tree.  Their area did very well.

It was a lovely day too.  Perfect for working in the yard.  I really want to nail down basic designs, and went out just before dark to snap pictures to work from this evening.  God help me, I think I want to put stone down on the path everyone takes to the forest entrance and line it with moss.  I don't know anything about putting in a stone walkway. 

Yet; )

Lighter
27
AmberL

I have to admit, I love splitting wood.  Especially when I'm splitting it with people who're really good at splitting wood, like my brother and BIL, from Canada.   I learn so much.... things go so well... I don't have to worry about watching someone put their hand in the wrong place over and over, etc.  It's another form of walking meditation AND you get all those lovely stacks of wood to burn!

I didn't have time to split all the logs we had last Christmas, so left them under the shed roof to dry out all summer.  The guys move the trees, and cut them, with heavy equipment.  It drops right at the splitter so I don't have to worry about anything but splitting and stacking.  I think BIL tried to teach me to handle the chainsaw last year, but I have too vague a recollection to trust myself without another lesson.   

Next project at my father's is sealing the decka.  I decided on the clear Flood product again.  I hate researching it every 3 years or so, but it has to be done.  I haven't found anything that impresses me more. 

You sound really good, Amber.  It's nice to read your updates: )  How is kitty doing?

Lighter 
28
Thank you, Skep :)  I have read, and will re-read, just not up to writing long replies at the mo.  But from hereon in she will be referred to as 'Old Bat' :) Lol xx
29
Firewood, Lighter - I have two new woodstoves to break in before peak heating season.

I MOSTLY have my porch back now. The painters are done here and the deck railing fence is up. I just have to hike from the back of the house around the deck to the front now. LOL. And yet this morning, I STILL tried to open the front door.    :shakes head: - that Pavlov sure knew what he was talking about!

I spent 11 hours in bed with the heating pad last night. Woke up somewhere in the middle to worry about various & sundry nonsense, and went back to sleep. Electrician was here - found an additional outlet to make safe - it's all done and we had a nice chat while he was working too. He totally is easy to be around - oozes that calm, it's all under control male energy. Not bad looking either - but he has a really sweet wife, too. (Just my luck!!)

Moving freshly cut to length logs after a crazy busy week was just about all my poor body could take. That wood needs to season - NEXT YEAR'S wood. I'll buy pre-split this year. So I talked myself out doing a single useful thing today, while I recharge the tank. I will get around to the list of things that's my part of these projects - soon enough. And I work fast too. So, I don't have to overdo, and can rest when I need to. A big huge list of important things got taken care of this summer - and we're real close to the finish line. There's more to go - but these were the essentials. The rest will happen at a more leisurely pace.

I'd like to get a massage, a haircut, new glasses and find a new dentist. In that order. And finish up the "little" projects I have hanging around, half finished... from this year's list. My arms hurt from moving the logs (in a good way) - the back is fine after supine application of heat. But it's clearly time to empty my brain of everything it's trying to file into "complete", "ongoing/WIP", and still yet to get done categories... and just embrace cabbage-head-hood. LOL.

Time for a sappy afternoon of chick flicks or an epic historical drama. Popcorn. Graze all day... and replenish the calories I've been burning.
30
I can imagine....

hearing little Tupp and you simultaneously; your anguished: NOT AGAIN. Little Tupp's fear of the repetition of the past... your frustration & anger - that after all your work to have a better life, she's baaaaaaaaacccckkkk. What a yucky, traumatic, horrible set of feelings you must be fending off. C'mere and get a great big ole "it's going to be OK" hug, sweetie!
----------------------

Here's why I can make such a broad, encompassing, trite & cliche statement about someone I've not even met face to face:

You already know these feelings inside and out; you KNOW they're a normal reaction to crazy-making, controlling people. You don't need to spend anymore time with them, than is necessary for them to move on. And feelings DO move on. What you're doing, is exactly right to help them pass.

The other reason, is you and Little Tupp are looking at re-claiming old dreams, in a present context. You HAVE a future mapped out - one that allows for discovery and exploration and adapting Little Tupp's dreams into what is possible for you - NOW. The old bat can't take that away from either one of you. So there Old Bat.

You are again, doing the right things - you've already fought these battles once; you're experienced now - at dealing with her forbidden intrusion into your life. The fact that she did so - doesn't mean she wins; you lose. NOPE. You are practicing now - knowing we simply can't control people like that - practicing how to not let her upset your journey. Some days are easier than others. My mom upset the crap out of me, while I was racing to get moved -- and as a consequence, I left all my bank checks behind. Found 'em a month later when we picked up the very last load. This is after years & years of dealing with her and my reaction to her. It still happens that she can knock me sideways too.

And it's OK. I'm allergic to crazy people is all. Extremely allergic! Life-threateningly so, if I forget to apply all the skills I've learned for protecting my SELF from the worst of the effects. You're doing good, remembering them. The funky feelings will pass. You'll come back stronger because of dealing with it yet again, I know you will. You've already set that pattern for yourself.

I have confidence that when you come up for sunshine & fresh air again - inspiration will strike and you will find your way to resuming your journey to your future, despite the forbidden intrusion and you'll be more ready to deal with it the next time - while releasing the undue conditioned responses you have to them.

There is lots of crazy in the world. And we're not responsible for fixing it thank goodness! But we can protect ourselves, build the invisible force field to protect ourselves from it... practice not letting it trigger our old, not so healthy reflex reactions. We practice... and spend years trying to master it... because we're real human beings who AREN'T crazy; don't WANT to control anyone else but ourselves (that's a handful most of the time anyway - LOL)... and we go easy on ourselves, when it's harder than usual.

(yeah, that's the professorial "we" coming out again... LOL. Still not permanently fixed.)
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