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Tupp:

I love buttercream yellow.  My first little house had a buttercream living room, and the nursery was yellow... more of a whipped egg yolk yellow.  Good energy in that, uh huh.

As far as the low spots, maybe the same lessons present themselves until we finally get whatever it is they're trying to teach?  That's how it feels today, anyway.  I try very hard not to rush back into same old same old once I'm feeling better.  I'm tired of getting part of the lesson, then having to go round and round again, but I get that everything in it's time and all.

So, here's another,  final thought on this for tonight.

Maybe... just maybe.... the crisis isn't a crisis at all.  What if it's us in a place where we have to face that we can't go on the way we have been.  That what we've been doing isn't working.  Not knowing any other way is perceived as crisis. 

Maybe we had to fool our children into believing everything would be OK, and maybe we got hypnotized into believing it too, not realizing we'd bought into it.  Maybe we built walls we didn't realize we were building or defenses we NEEEDED, but now don't?

Now  there's room to breath... now we don't have to worry about surviving, we notice things we weren't aware of before.  For me, it feels like I was living inside a cannon.  I'd become deaf and blind to things that didn't concern survival.  They were superfluous, nad annoying....maybe they would have reminded me I had a life once if I paid them any mind.  Maybe that would have been crushing, and so I just didn't let myself see.

I didn't really feel that till I needed to pay attention to that... till I could pay attention. Till I wanted to join in, but felt so far away and unable to connect. 

I didn't know I adopted an entirely different mind set that was unsuitable for living a life and embracing joy.  WHile I built those walls, I didn't know they'd still be in place when I didn't need them.  How could I?  And every time I tried to live a normal life,  something smacked me in the chops and taught me not to do it again, or else. I thickened my armor,  nailed it in place bc it made me stronger, more responsive, more effective in the next battle. 

I don't know what that did to my children, but I can tell you it put distance between me and who I used to be.  Who I want to be.  It's difficult to change that sort of thing if you're not aware it's happened, kwim?  It can creep up on us, only glimpsed, haunting us, taking our attention for years before we actually see it. 

Once we're aware, then we're also mourning the lost years, opportunities, hopes and dreams.  It's a lot to process.  It's many deaths, IME.

Those can be very scary days, IME.  Necessary days, esp facing it, teasing out all the painful bits and pieces till there's understanding, and room for something else.  Hopefully something that works. 

I'm not sure, but I'm here with you, (((Tupp.)))  I wish we could have coffee in your private nook together.  I wish we could tidy your garden together.  I'm amazing at pulling weeds: ) 

I don't understand why I can't fold a fitted sheet to save my life, but have intense focus for pulling the smallest weeds, and brushing the tiniest debris off the ground an inch at a time.  What IS that?  Honestly, I just don't care; )  Whatever it is, is.

::nodding::.

Light
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Amber:

I was thinking today about getting out of one's own way, and what that means.

Putting down the worry, for me...
you put down guilt, Amber....
let's call it whatever negative stuff we're carrying... if we can put it down, we free ourselves to pick up other things, IME.

My step father always said never to pick up anything when your hands are full, and I think about that a lot. 

Worry was a habit for me. Part of my identity, and who would I be without it, right? 
It's nice to find out.
Lighter
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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: This and That
« Last post by lighter on September 17, 2017, 10:20:34 PM »
Ahhhh, thanks for that, Amber.  I'm wondering if I can find enough rocks to complete a path.  I think I'll have to have pavers delivered.

I cleared all the weeds from the bottom of a giant oak tree today and planted more moss around it.  Some of the round lovely moss from the nursery, and a big rock went in too.

A neighbor with a German Shepherd, I'd never met before, came round while I was pulling weeds.  Another neighbor gave advice, and was giddy as a child wondering how my yard would turn out.  I love his big black slow gentle dog.

I transplanted a lot of moss today.  The girls owe me several hours in the yard, and I'm looking forward to that.

My youngest dd has a friend over.  He's a boy, but not a "boyfriend."  Of course he's very funny, and makes her laugh.  She likes what we call "giggle boys."  They're nerds together.  Later on two more friends joined them, and stayed overnight.  They're so nice.  This morning they got up, and made brunch.  DD cooked apple bottom pancakes, and the giggle boy cooked jalapeno, onion, and garlic scrambled eggs topped with cheese, hot sauce optional.  I LOVE THIS KID.  It's odd when the kids all the sudden grow up, yet aren't.

My oldest enjoyed being around her sister and friends.  She played piano,  did homework, cooked dinner tonight, and folds clothes as I write this.  She has her school photo tomorrow so showered, and will have clothes picked out before bed, bc she thinks it's a good idea.  If this doesn't sound wonderful, let me just tell you.... it is. 

I can hear in her voice that she's paying attention to her tone, and words when she speaks to me.  And it's a good thing, bc I feel like I have her back.  I've really missed her.

 Lighter

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Checking into Tupp's thread, I realized how seldom I actually experience guilt these days. It's kinda like losing 200 lbs. Guilt pulls in - like some kind of black hole - all kinds of other mixed up, homogenized emotions too. I used to put it on in the mornings, like my underwear. It was constantly with me.

I wonder when that happened?   :shock:

I don't think I really worked at trying to get rid of it. I didn't even spend a lot of time over-analyzing it, like normal. Only way I think it's explainable, right now... is that coping with my grief about Mike helped untangle all my emotions into those separate threads of yarn. So I could now point out each one individually, they have their own distinct colors and flavors. Yeah, it took a lot of TIME. Time processing the feelings - by just feeling them. While I kept busy with other things.

The other thing that helped maybe - was putting myself on the "right path" for me. In my location, activities, and giving myself a great big corner of these hills to create my own "country"... things the way I envision them, that I tend, nurture, improve, and help become an oasis of tranquility. I have been given full "command authority" here (from my doc friend) to "make it so". And that seems to be affecting me in some really positive ways. Only now, just noticing.

I'm making more intuitive decisions - and have stopped second-guessing myself at every step of the way. I no longer worry if I've expressed myself in "an acceptable fashion" - or if what I'm expressing is socially acceptable or politically correct. I just AM, me, warts & all.

HUH. Who'd a thunk it? I guess I don't need to know HOW it happened, but I sure am glad it did.
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The repetition of various low points has a purpose, I think, Tupps. Especially those where you're longing for someone to just scoop you up and take care of you, till you get your balance back. Each time, I think I see another tiny piece of what it's all about... and then later, like with my "old bat"... I know the "dance" so well, that what happens is I start to see that it's not affecting nearly as much.

In my case, I've been learning "not to care so much" about what "could've been", "should've been". I'm starting to (still a work in progress) accept that "it wasn't"... and that's that. It's surely not the way I've tried to mother and parent my girls (and my brother... and anyone else who stood still around me for 5 seconds!!). I just WAS more maternally capable than my mom is. So, for me, a good bit of healing that place that wails in abject need (still; not as frequently)... happened through my ability to manifest the maternal. I don't practice mothering my SELF much - I went the other direction, of being "tough enough to take a licking and keep on ticking" - but every so often, more lately, I am finding ways to do that. And it's NICE to have that relationship with myself. I do remember to thank myself, too.

When I'm very very tired, or stressed, or trying to solve a difficult problem... all the practice in the world doesn't seem to matter. I still revert to the old coping or lashing out methods. It's probably 'coz it's hard to be present when under mental/internal stress, external stress and exhausted. You know - 'coz we're human. We NEED downtime. Days when we become vegetables and just cocoon, doing the minimum to survive.

Tell ya what - it just now occurred to me, while babbling - I've noticed recently that I seem to not experience nearly as guilt as I used to. Maybe coz of getting my boundaries more organized? Not trying to protect others from myself, as much? I dunno exactly what shifted - but not having that guilt hanging over my head all the time - has made a world of difference in my normal day to day ability to cope and get through problem-solving, doing some new things, etc. Maybe that's a big clue that will help too. Dunno.

You sound a lot better. A little tired, but that's to be expected - you dove into the intensity for a bit there.
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https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/6zk7um/dh_is_veras_tech_support/?sort=new

These N's think they can do whatever the F**K they want!!!  F**K THAT NOISE!

It's so sad reading things like this, these are the times when really all you can do is refuse to open the door or very clearly say 'NO' and stick to it.  The selfishness and sense of entitlement is astonishing.

On a slightly different topic, I was reading about a situation on another forum regarding a family who have sold their home, subject to contract.  Their buyers have been inundating them with demands about things they want removing or leaving, things they want changing and arguing over moving dates, to the point that the sellers are considering putting it back on the market.  I just don't understand how people can so blindly insist on what they want without any regard for anyone else.  Truly baffling. xx

It is truly baffling.  Unfortunately, these N's don't see people as PEOPLE.  N's think they are ENTITLED to USE others as objects and tools for their own self-gratification.  UGH!!!
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https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/6zk7um/dh_is_veras_tech_support/?sort=new

These N's think they can do whatever the F**K they want!!!  F**K THAT NOISE!

It's so sad reading things like this, these are the times when really all you can do is refuse to open the door or very clearly say 'NO' and stick to it.  The selfishness and sense of entitlement is astonishing.

On a slightly different topic, I was reading about a situation on another forum regarding a family who have sold their home, subject to contract.  Their buyers have been inundating them with demands about things they want removing or leaving, things they want changing and arguing over moving dates, to the point that the sellers are considering putting it back on the market.  I just don't understand how people can so blindly insist on what they want without any regard for anyone else.  Truly baffling. xx
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Tupp:

Sometimes we have to get to our lowest point to discover what comes next. 

If we remain comfortable, there's no BIG impetus for movement, kwim?

And that's not a good thing, IME.  It's just a thing humans move through, IME.

It's lovely to read about your projects.  Creating sacred space is always uplifting for me.  I shifted 3 plants around on the front porch, and wondered why it took me so long to do that.  SO OBVIOUS they needed to go where they were, but I couldn't see it before this morning. 

What color are you painting your son's room?  I wish I could cut in while you roll; )

((((Tupp))))

Lighter

Lighter, I know what you mean, I just feel like I've got to my lowest point so many times now and it's during those terribly low times that I ache for those close intimate relationships where someone else will just take care of you, just for a while, until you're back on your feet again.  I know that has happened; I can see now the support from you guys, from the friend who popped over, another friend is coming round today.  I know there are people I can ring or who would come over if I asked them to but when I'm in that dark place the paralyses is so absolute that reaching out seems impossible.  I rely on someone happening to get in touch.  Maybe that will change in time.

Yes it's funny the effect that moving something can have?  I've just rearranged my pot plants by the front door; they were leading up the steps but I've put them back nearer the shed and made myself a little area; I'm going to buy a small bench to put in there and then I've got somewhere a bit hidden away.  I realised I haven't been sitting outside much because sitting on the step felt too exposed and the back garden's got so overgrown that I've lost my little hidden seat out there for the time being.  So this is a nice little spot to sit and enjoy a bit of peace.

I'm painting the whole flat a pale yellow.  It seemed the best colour to go with every other colour so I decided to go for pale walls and then I can go mad with easy to change things like throws and cushions.  I'm doing a Lego theme for him as that's his absolute favourite thing so he has new Lego bedding and I found a shop that sells Lego flooring which looks amazing and isn't too expensive.  My sister gave me a big pair of curtains years ago that are plain white cotton and in our last house I folded them double to fit the windows and then we glued cut outs from his old clothes onto them so that he had pictures of his favourite cartoon characters (Sponge Bob and Ben 10, those sort of things).  Someone told me you can buy special transfer paper that you can print photos on and then iron the print onto fabric.  So we're going to take pictures of his Lego creations and replace the cartoon characters with his Lego builds on the curtains.  I've ordered him a big squishy bean bag and I'm going to use some other old clothes of his to make cushions so he's got a nice comfy reading area.  Last item is a desk so he can have his laptop in his room.  I've always kept it in the sitting room so I could make sure he's not online accessing anything he shouldn't be but he's older now and understands more so I think it will be a nice touch for him to have complete privacy.  A new mirror so he can admire himself when he's getting ready to go out.  I asked him last night if he'd like a double bed now that he's older but he still loves his cabin bed so we're keeping that.  I'm looking forward to him having his own space that he can enjoy while I enjoy mine.
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Tupp:

Sometimes we have to get to our lowest point to discover what comes next. 

If we remain comfortable, there's no BIG impetus for movement, kwim?

And that's not a good thing, IME.  It's just a thing humans move through, IME.

It's lovely to read about your projects.  Creating sacred space is always uplifting for me.  I shifted 3 plants around on the front porch, and wondered why it took me so long to do that.  SO OBVIOUS they needed to go where they were, but I couldn't see it before this morning. 

What color are you painting your son's room?  I wish I could cut in while you roll; )

((((Tupp))))

Lighter
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I don't need a response either, Tupp. I just wanted to send you some care and encouragement. You take all the time you need to sort this out. After all these years, I don't think any of us are going anywhere. 

Hey, if you like "old bat".... maybe we can come up with some other names for "she who must not spoken of by name"! Call me childish - but even something as tiny as this - can help you see how much power you really have over her attempts to un-nerve you.

More HUGS! More hugs for Tupps & Little Tupps!

Lol, I think if we start coming up with names for our errant parents Dr G might have to close the board down!  I'm okay, Skep, thank you.  I felt that frustration earlier today of the effort she puts in to harm and destroy.  If she'd made that much effort to be a loving parent life might have been very different :)  But I am trying very hard not to let her into my head space.  The stuff went in the recycling and I cleared out my cupboard that I tend to throw packaging and bits of bubble wrap into to reuse and put a load of that on top.  The bins go on Tuesday so she'll be banished to the recycling centre.  I've told my sister if I ever start getting like my mum she's to shoot me.  Which is probably a bit over the top but I have told numerous people that if I start to get like her I want them to tell me straight away and not let it grow.  I can't think of anything worse.

Anyway.  All is good.  Thank you for the support and encouragement (that goes to everyone!).  It is much appreciated :) xx
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