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Thanks, Hops.  I don't know what it is, I just can't seem to shake it.  Usually I can knock it on the head fairly quickly, or I find that some other 'thing' is underneath the numbness and once I've got rid of that I'm okay again.  It just feels so deep down, even though good things are happening.  It's very weird.  Keep on keeping on.  I'm sorting out the paperwork on my desk.  Lol.  Some jobs are best done when one is numb ;)  Thank you for your kind words it is much appreciated xx
This must be what the last few miles of a marathon feel like, (((((Tupp)))).

You can imagine the finish line. But you're not yet there.

I'm so sorry about the emotional cloud and can sense how everything around you, everyone you deal with, every decision you make and all those you cannot make...feel so personal right now.

I hope good moments will feed your spirit enough for you to summon the will for each next step. You've had a huge sense of purpose for so very long. And the last push is often the hardest.

I do believe you'll find happiness and meaning in various things in the future, just as you've been able to so many times before. It may be your garden, a small excursion, or just the peace of having more time to be yourself. There are so many creative things you'll be more able to do...none of them have to involve bureaucrats, class or politics.

Hang in there, dear. You're not alone in your feelings or even your situation. FWIW, I think it's good to avoid voices that amplify fear and amplify all of the negatives. You're already skilled at understanding and identifying the downsides, so I hope you'll open to folks who can encourage your inner spirit, which is so gracious, expansive and creative....and hold on as best you can to positives, meanings, and the choices you DO have. Small or large.

(Meanwhile, of course, no beating yourself up for the times when you just CAN'T. Sometimes we just have to hold on to hope as an abstraction without specifics. You'll renew in time. In spite of all this, you have a deep energy for life. And I know life still has good things to offer you.)

Thanks, Lighter, that's very kind of you to say xx

I am trying, but I feel dead inside.  I'm tired of having to deal with people that I don't want to deal with (because I find them unprofessional and bad at their jobs) but I have no choice.  It's the lack of choice that gets to me - no choices regarding health care professionals, no choice regarding future placements for my son (the local authority decides where he goes, not me), no choice over where we live (we can only afford the cheapest which makes whole parts of the UK impossible to access).

I should be feeling happy.  My lovely friend met us for lunch.  She's such a good friend and is pretty much the most constant person I've had in my life since my son was born.  We got there early and I took my son shopping; he bought some new books and new CDs.  I found myself feeling revolted at the amount of stuff there is for sale and the number of people who are out buying stuff.  I never used to feel like that.  I watched people in beautiful clothes with immaculate hair and make up walk past a homeless guy and not even look at him and I felt so sad.  We had our nice food but I found myself feeling snappy when she suggested things for my son to do that aren't appropriate for his ability level - I still feel that so many people don't understand the depth of his difficulties.  We went around the shops afterwards and I found the noise and the crowds overwhelming and again found myself feeling impatient at my friend taking ages to decide what she wanted.  I really don't want to feel like that, she's a good friend and it doesn't kill me to wait ten minutes for her to choose her stuff.  I really don't feel like myself any more.  I don't know who this person living inside me is anymore.
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: This and That
« Last post by lighter on September 22, 2017, 10:06:32 AM »
Yesterday morning I woke up from a nightmare involving my late husband.  Since his death I've had many dreams about him, but they were always of him alive, with me trying to solve everything peacefully.  Sometimes there was kissing, of all things.

THIS dream was about his hunting me down, with various minions, and trying to kill me.  I was running and hiding and being chased by him, new people he'd just found and convinced to help him so I wouldn't know their faces, etc.  On and on it went.

I used to have running and hiding dreams about him during the divorce, but not for a long time have I had them. 

At one point in the nightmare I was trying to find a hidey hole, and found my sister hiding behind a chair.  She looked alarmed that she'd been outed, then offered to let me hide with her.  I tried, but that meant we were both exposed.  Two women, and one chair.. it didn't work.  They found us.

I was exhausted all day after this dream.

Anyway, towards the end of the dream a devil-ish fellow came up to me and said....
"You know."  and it was assumed that I was being told there was a stalemate, and my husband had decided to let me live. 

I was then in my Mother's entrance hall, in the house she lived in before she died, and my husband was coming to drop the kids off. I could hear the Pug's nails scratching on the drive.

And then husband walked up, put a pistol to my forehead and grinned at me.  He'd tricked me, of course, and I fell for it, again.  I reacted quickly, my head went left, my right hand up, and he blew one of my fingers off, but missed my head.

He looked upset and pulled the gun back down, and tried again.  Same thing happened.  He then handed me the gun, turned and walked away.

At this point, where I had the gun, and the choice to shoot him, I woke up.  I wonder why I couldn't have woken up earlier, during the terrifying running and hiding stuff.  Why did I wake up at that point?

I'm not used to this kind of dreaming.  I think it's a new level of processing I haven't been able to deal with.

This morning I was driving home from school drop off and thought about a friend who passed away 3 years ago.  My heart hurts to think of her.  Just makes it hard to breath.  I let myself go to that sad place, forced myself really.  Eventually it felt like she curled up inside my chest, for comfort and safety, like she once curled up in my bed for comfort, like a child.

That's the way everything seems to be going lately.  I force myself to face whatever is vexing me, and it leads to feeling better.

The front yard is almost clear of the larger weeds.  I haven't been perfectly pulling everything at all times, but pulling will be easier from this point.  I'm proud of myself.  I think the neighbors can finally see what it's supposed to be.  What I'll make of it: )

This weekend is Nana's birthday, and I have work to do on the farm, along with filling 3 or 4 underbed tupperwares with moss for my yard.  WHOO HOO.  Can't wait.


Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: news and my heart
« Last post by lighter on September 22, 2017, 09:34:38 AM »
I can't watch the news either.  I see updates on my phone, and scan the headlines.  If it's about something big, I'll open it.  Otherwise, I don't.

((((Hops))))  My heart wants to cradle and support that baby's head too.

Hi Tupp:

It seeeeeems evil that people, in positions of power, undermine and sabotage you, doesn't it? 

I mean... you're working SO hard.  Your life is brutal at times, with all you juggle, chase down, and advocate for, along with caring for your son., and homeschooling. 

You plan meals, shop for them, prepare them, try to enjoy them as a family, then clean up after, without help.  Ever.  You tend the garden, the house, the van, the laundry, the social calendar, and it's all you. 

And these people, if they could glimpse but one day of your life, SHOULD feel enough compassion towards you and your son to simply do their job, not well, but DO it, right?

They should.

And, for you, who's been fighting your FOO, and health services people, and the courts.... these cogs don't know about that part of your struggle.  To them, you're just one of the masses, IMO. 

 It's egregiously harmful TO YOU, not that these people SEE what they do anymore.  It's likely many began their careers with hope and fine ideals that died somewhere on their journey, IMO.  They're likely blind to all suffering, bc they'd break down if they let it all in, considering the situation, IME. 

Remember your achievements.  Remember you've come out the other side of much worse, and you're working towards better things at this juncture.  Not just survival.  I think it's important to remind ourselves that this is new struggle.  Different struggle.  Keep your head where your feet are.   

You're one of the strongest, most devoted, tenacious individuals I've ever had the grace to connect with.  You truly are. 

I hope you have a nice visit.  Keep us updated on the decorating front, and make that complaint if that's what needs to be done.


How maddening.

Is it alternate-nostril breathing time?
(Joke: One of Hillary Clinton's post-election calming methods....)

I'll breathe with you...hang in.

You are expert at hanging in, despite everything, Tupp.


Lol, definitely an alternate nostril breathing situation, it drives everyone up the wall, every one I know says the same thing, the endless battle to get what you need is exhausting (and designed to be so because they're privatising it all so it's being purposely run into the ground and focusing on the things they can make a good profit from.  Drugs are profitable, things like speech therapy or counselling aren't because it's one to one provision so you can't mass produce or mass market it.  It makes my blood boil).

I have looked into going private but there's no way we can afford the entire thing should that be necessary - so if the first appointment leads to further testing (and one of those things would be a lumbar puncture which they'd have to do under anaesthetic as he won't keep still) we'd still have to go back into the system to battle our way through the rest of it.  There are many areas of campaigning I want to get into, if I ever get the time!  Lol xx
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: news and my heart
« Last post by Hopalong on September 20, 2017, 09:11:32 PM »

It was an excruciatingly vivid example of our culture's new level of sociopathy and callousness, and it really hit me.

Media is a complicit click-baiting machine sometimes, and the noble fourth estate that's all that stands between us and irretrievable corruption other times. I'll hang in there with the major legacy media because overall, they have earned my respect over a lifetime. Warts and all, I admire serious journalists. And there are still more of them than flacks.

But that story hurt. Perhaps to a purpose, because cruelty out of racism aimed straight at a newborn ought to wake some folks who don't want to be woken.

How maddening.

Is it alternate-nostril breathing time?
(Joke: One of Hillary Clinton's post-election calming methods....)

I'll breathe with you...hang in.

You are expert at hanging in, despite everything, Tupp.

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: news and my heart
« Last post by sKePTiKal on September 20, 2017, 02:32:25 PM »
Watching or reading the news lately has become extremely detrimental to any sane, normal person's mental wellness, IMO.

It's been over a year since I watched tv news. The last 6 months or so, I've clearly observed a new phenomenon in online news (regardless of POV or source); Holly backs me up on this - from her many (more progressive and even radical) sources too. That is, that 90% of the articles aren't really "news" anymore - instead, they're "outrage pieces". Op-Eds full of disgust, venom, or trying to bait the reader into feeling these things.

To my understanding of things, this is mind-control... or propaganda. Take your pick; I'm not wedded to the word used itself. And that kind of picayune issue is ITSELF now fodder for a quick, throwaway article. SIGH. There are usually 10x the number of "outrage op-eds" to each actual piece of "news" - or actual updates to events.

Things like "breaking news" is over-used, when they really mean there's an update. WAY too much use, constituting abuse even - of anonymous sources. If no one is going to go on record - maybe it's not really a story?? Does anyone even get taught this in journalism school anymore? Yes, anonymous sources can sometimes break into really important stories. But again - overuse, abuse of this "method" of finding something to write about is endemic.

So I've resigned myself to scanning headlines. And ONLY clicking articles that appear to have something to say about events that can really impact my life directly/indirectly. I get fooled. Lots of clickbait out there. I just don't read it.

Life is a lot better without all that dreck in it. And if they don't get the hits or the ratings - maybe they'll figure out that people just aren't INTERESTED in that kind of "journalism". And I don't need to expose myself to every example of how horrible humans can be to each other - to consider myself "informed" and "educated".

From a propaganda standpoint, dear Hops... the people pushing this type of story and thousands of others like it...  those people WANT to horrify us, hurt our heart, inspire feelings of hopelessness and futility and nihilism. Just like trying to tap-dance in a relationship with an N - the only way to stay sane is not play; don't expose yourself to the madness.

Unfortunately, I'm seeing this kind article in way too many formerly respectable media sources. If that continues - I may end up not patronizing them at all anymore. Not for one or two really valuable pieces of information a week or a month - and tons of dreck, that they discuss ad nauseum.

I continue to look for sources of thought-provoking writing of current events.
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