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I've been trying to decompress since I saw the specialist on Tuesday.

The good news.....she informs me that it is called a hamartoma and it is benign.  They want to see me in six months to check on the biopsy site and, if everything checks out okay, then it will be back to yearly check-ups in that regard.

Then Wednesday night, I had to deal with another N-relative that I want to throat-punch!

The last time I spoke with this A$$WIPE was back in 2014 when I informed the idiot that my last sibling, my NGCB, had died.  (A$$WIPE had been frequently blowing up my phone demanding to know the whereabouts of NGCB.  Now A$$WIPE knows.  He's dead, Jim!)  During that conversation, the N-relative went on a racist rant...calling my father the N-word, calling Cousin Barry the N-word, calling all biracial folks the N-word!  I am BIRACIAL, PROUD TO BE BIRACIAL, and I VERBALLY BLASTED the A$$WIPE before terminating the conversation, blocking on Facebook and blocking any incoming e-mails from A$$WIPE!

I had not heard a peep from A$$WIPE until my phone started ringing way past 9:00 PM!  (Folks who know me that if you call after 9:00 at night, it better damn well be an emergency or else they'll encounter the BONES ATTITUDE from the USS ENTERPRISE!)  The Caller ID showed it was A$$WIPE!!!!   :evil:  That pissed me off!  Then I thought, maybe somebody died as there are several cousins much older than I am in various stages of health issues.  Against my better judgement, I answer the phone................................................ with a less than polite:  "WHAT?!?!?!?"  My ire increased when I realized he was either drunk or high on something and I HATE drunk-dialing FOOLS!!!! 

He's spouting all kinds of B.S., which irritated me even more and then he drops this GEM OF STUPIDITY...."I haven't heard from your brother in AGES!!!!  What's he up to?!?!" 

Yeah, he got BLASTED AGAIN and REMINDED...AGAIN...that NGCB DIED IN 2014!"
 
WTF?!?!?!?    :evil:
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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Something has to give
« Last post by lighter on July 19, 2018, 11:12:08 AM »
Well, the yard's a mess.  Pretty much.  I'm choosing to not deal with it now.  Before I leave for the island I'll throw myself at it for a couple days.  The thought of using weed killer has me in knots.  I'm not entirely sure why, but it's a thing AND there's been too much rain to utilize it.

We cleaned the kitchen fridge last night.  Detailed it, really.  Broke off something that  made it easier to access.... and not on purpose, mind you.  Dumb luck.  The kitchen's in good shape.  I've pared down many items, packing duplicates for the trip.  Sending many boxes to Goodwill. 

Youngest DD and I have the sewing machine out, organizing sewing supplies into the lovely large sewing box with tall handle.  Everything's been strewn about in different smaller sewing boxes up to this point AND this is what procrastination looks like in my house.

::nodding::. 

I have so much to do in the yard, and for the beach.  Researching, and planning bunk bed design, which requires finding the room measurements.  Purchasing tools, and packing them.  Figuring out what I can live with, and without should there not be enough room on the second flight for the extra weight I'm packing.

I wish I was familiar with sharpening chainsaw blades.  I wish I was comfortable using one in a tree.  I wish I had a bigger one, and that's what I spend a lot of time doing lately.  One thought to another.... like that. 

I'm ready to make another pile for Goodwill.

Lighter
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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Beware the scorned NM
« Last post by Ales2 on July 18, 2018, 12:35:30 PM »
sKePTiKal -

Thank you so much for your post. You are correct in your assumption about the nature of the entertainment business and my mothers perception.

I appreciate the good wishes and send them back to you and your D. Not alot of women in SFX, so double kudos to her!
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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Beware the scorned NM
« Last post by sKePTiKal on July 18, 2018, 08:26:44 AM »
Late to the conversation and have some issues typing at the moment.

My D works in special effects. She is between productions and ending a longterm relationship. She's adequately explained the nature of the entertainment business. What I hear from your description is the belief on your mom's part that you should have a consistent, weekly paycheck to be "secure". And the T is likely supporting that idea as temporary income between the work you want to do.

My D is considering that as one possibilty among many - including trying to get hired onto another crew in another part of the country - until that job ends and she can possibilty pick up work again in the city she calls home. Its what she calls "the nature of this business". Many welders face the same condition in the permanence of their positions. So its not just hollywood. Businesses close and people find themselves having to scramble. The old days of working 30 years for the same employer are mostly gone.

So I understand your struggle to hang onto what you REALLY want to do, and are good at, and how iffy it can be to someone who has a whole different definition of what a job or career is. May the fates blow good fortune your way!
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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Beware the scorned NM
« Last post by Ales2 on July 17, 2018, 06:43:14 PM »
Quote
I think you're right about your mom. She'll never hear or understand you.  Not her fault.  If she could, she would have.  She's broken.  She's doing her best, and it is what it is.

I'm glad you're moving on, and focusing on yourself.  Seek joy.  Don't worry what your mother thinks.  This is your life.  Not hers.

Yep, yep and more yep.

I came to the conclusion, I'm 50, if I can't get along with her by now... it was simply not meant to be.
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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Beware the scorned NM
« Last post by Ales2 on July 17, 2018, 06:40:23 PM »
Ok, so remember when I said this:

"I need a really fast red convertible Jaguar, an Savvanah cat named Shera, a Calvin Klein wardrobe, lots of gold and diamond jewelry, extensive international travel, a solid producing job, a supportive husband and an overflowing bank account....that would help!"

Well, as it turns out, about two weeks later, I took in a foster cat on a whim from an FB post. That Foster Cat has been with me for 4 weeks now and just this weekend, I learned she is a Bengal-mix. LOL. She is quite exotic, beautiful marbled pattern, big green eyes, sleek coat (referred to as a pelt, not fur), exotic sounding meow and surprise.... wildcat aggression and hyper-energetic. She is lovely, but a handful I was not quite ready for.

Anyway, point is, careful what you wish for! LOL! Not a savannah cat, but a Bengal Mix!  Ha!
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So, Tupp... it was the cat that went astray first thing.  We knew something wouldn't be perfect, but that was a surprise.  Lots of stress, plan off a bit, but nothing you can't overcome. 

Thank goodness you didn't break your ankle, kwim?  Just 2 hours gone amiss, and you're still moving ahead. 

About sadness, and the feeling young Tupp is being left behind.  It feels, for me, that young Tupp is no longer responsible, and in charge.... and perhaps she feels she's being left behind.  Maybe reassure her she's welcome, has a place, will always have a place, and it's her time to rest now that grown Tupp is in control.... protecting both of you.

She gets to leave the old memories, and landmarks behind TOO.  She gets to move past, and beyond WITH you.... she's not getting left behind.  The sadness muddles things up, IME.  Sometimes it's hard to discern what we're mourning, and there are things you will rightfully mourn in this. 

All the things you're leaving behind.... the people who should have loved, protected, and helped you.... but didn't.  The hope they ever could, or ever will.... it's time to release that hope.  That's what you're all leaving behind.  It's heartbreaking, and so your hearts will, and should, break. 

Mending has already begun.  The drive, the move, the cleaning process, the phamily gatherings will be new tribal land for these rituals.   Setting up house, and forming new routines.  Feeling comfortable in your new surroundings, and making discoveries.  New people, and places.  Possibility opens, away from the past, and you turn to adult Tupp's future. 

If there's a chance you have time to find a new T, perhaps that can be of moving with efficiency through the mourning process, and into the present.  It's necessary to mourn... sometimes feels like it won't ever end..... but it will, esp if you grab it by the horns, and shake it around without fear.... with curiosity, and bravery.  No sidestepping.  It's yours to deal with, and put to rest.  You can do this too. 

All the moving, and cleaning, and paperwork you've done, many times.  You'll do that well, as always.  Putting young Tupp at ease the new trick.  It won't go on forever.  Don't fear it will.  Know all this pain leads to serenity, and more joy.

((((Tupp and young Tupp)))

::Sending Amazon strength, and resolve to get you through::.

Remember.... stay curious.  Don't let fear have you.  It's behind you now.  You're in control of your life.  Not the past.

Lighter



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Bear in mind that SOME people will definitely let you down in future,
as that's human nature.

I think what will change is your ability to roll with that without losing
faith in humanity, build a more resilient and flexible way of reacting
to social behaviors (or misbehaviors) when people just don't live up
to what you'd like them to.

It's inevitable. Some will be a solid delight and others more shaky.
But the sounder you get within yourself, the less you'll feel you have
to control or fear or avoid reaching out to others. Because you'll have
your serenity and inner happiness no matter what they do.

Sure, transitory disappointment or let-down will happen. But I don't
think it will always hurt so much.

Can't change others. CAN change yourself (not by isolating or growing
afraid of liking or reaching out). Just by building emotional resilience.

You're already doing so much of that Tupp, it'll only increase in a better
location.

xxoo
Hops
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More pondering - it's reminding me of two occasions that I had parties that no-one turned up to.  Once when I was a teenager and once as an adult.  Not that I arranged a party but I spent a lot of time thinking about whether to even tell these people I was going.  I did have a mind to just vanish and say nothing so that leap of trust I made in them was pretty big (for me) so yes, it is smarting a bit that they've not got in touch to say bye.  It will be nice to be away from this and not be let down by people.  My phamily in the new area aren't like this; plans are already afoot for moving in day with friends coming to help after work and one friend going to collect the cat for me so I don't have to worry about picking her up in amongst all the moving day madness.  I'm going to sort out some dinner and then get myself into the bath; my back easing off will help a lot x
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((((((Tupp))))))))

Moving grief is inevitable, and so natural.
Your psyche objects to the change even when it's for a GOOD reason.
And you have to stuff all your feelings just to go into functional overdrive to get it done.
That's why moving is #2 on shrinks' list of major life stressors...second only to death of a loved one.

It makes perfect, although painful, sense that in this brief moment between actions, the feeling rose.

Trust this, it's painful but it's okay.
You are STILL going to be all right, this is STILL going to result in more happiness.
And renewed connection with old friends, and new friends too.

I'm terribly sorry those around you now have let you down.
Then again, it's one of the reasons you're leaving that place.

I'm so sorry you are feeling alone with this experience but please know, you won't be for long.

Love and comfort,
Hops

Thanks, Hops :)  It's all fine, I know it is all going to be much better, we are finally doing what we both want and I am looking forward to getting down there.  I think it's just a combination of being very tired, all my joints aching, my period arriving early (which was very bizarre, I've been as regular as clockwork for years but it's a week early and the cramps were awful).  There is a sense of sadness at leaving my old life behind, not because I liked it or it was good for me but it's almost like I'm saying goodbye to old Tup?  Which is a good thing, to a certain extent, but I also owe her so much.  She's got me through so many hard times and difficult phases and as much as I'm looking forward to moving on there is just a sense of sadness there.  Can't really explain it and it's all fine, I'm just going to carry on pottering through the evening and get another early night after a ridiculously hot bath.  I've abandoned the plan now, lol, I'm just bunging things in boxes and I can finish packing in the morning while the guys load up, if need be.

Thank you for the support, it really does mean a lot :) xx
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