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Amber:
I think you're managing this transition with amazing resilience and attention.  Walking that edge of dizzying guilt/sadness.....
noticing it.......
stepping off the edge, then paying attention to how that feels to experience what comes next.  That takes letting go, over and over.  In small and large ways.  You're holding on to what comes next, and planning for more.

Part of the sadness might be acknowledging Mike wouldn't have wanted what you're building...... wouldn't have wanted you doing these things at all.  His comfort zone was something else, and you lived in that Zone for a long time. 

You're moving away from the life you shared with Mike, and distancing yourself is sad.  No way around it, and without judging, if possible. It was sweet and there was comfort.

 It's also empowering to dream of your own wheelhouse.  Be the architect of new plans, then build Amber's world.  Of course it is.  Yes, it's very different than Mike's, and touching all his things, choosing to put them away to make room for you.....feels like.... betrayal at times?  It's ok to simply acknowledge, sans judgement..... it's just a story, Amber.

If Mike could see you, he'd be thrilled to see you grow, and stretch.  He'd have tremendous gratitude that you were content to sit by his sleepy side, and love the life you shared before.

I think Mike would be amazed, and eager to see what you're building.  He'd be so proud of you.  He'd be eager to see where your intuition leads next.

Lighter





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Lighter: right now, they only exist in my imagination and on a list or post-it somewhere. Right now, my OCD is insisting that I finish up some of the things that were made possible by last summer's project FIRST.

I haven't been able to sit and write - letting the stream of consciousness bubble out - to get a sense yet, of what my intuition is directing me to work on next. And instead, I'm kind of stuck in a "responding to events already set in motion" reality... where what I feel drawn to doing today gets interrupted by someone, somewhere else, saying "I need you to do this now". LOL. And even though it's all part of my mental "master plan"... it basically blows up any intention I had for the day. Gone with the wind.

So, as cold as it's been, feeding/cleaning the woodstove downstairs takes a lot of time. What I really NEEDED, was the insulation up under the floor over the garage. Insulation I had delivered before Christmas... but then got too busy to deal with. Which... as fate would have it... turns out to be a GOOD THING, not a BAD thing, this time. Because I've now realized that one of the entry doors downstairs wraps around the west side of the garage and this is where a lot of the draft I feel on the sofa is coming from.

But I have made a lot of progress, even on the Amber-does list and I'm taking a vacation, dammit. Yes, I have all this stuff swirling up in my head I want to do... and it's totally cluttered and chaotic. So....... I'm choosing to take a break, let some things finish up (like the sale of little cabin closes Monday; beach house Friday)... maybe make some more space in my main garage workshop (priority) and since it's going to warm up enough to be ABLE to work in the garage under the house... start with the places I KNOW need to be insulated. Get some of the tasks off the list... before scheduling more upgrade/design/construction projects. I've got some things I want to do for ME, too.

I am still noticing a little down-swing in mood: sadness, regret, guilt... in letting go the things Mike participated in with me. I guess it's always going to be there. But it's now more like a cloud passing overhead... and doesn't last long anymore; doesn't overwhelm me. And I would guess, that this proliferation of "Ideas of Mass Imagination" are all things that have been carefully put aside, tucked away, saved for "someday"........... and this is some day. LOL. It does get a little noisy in my head some days.
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Oh, that's just lovely, Tupp.
At every level.

Don't worry about the timing and don't plan anything beyond enjoying!
(If something fated were to happen, you'd find a plan that makes sense.)

Now rest, relax and allow some beauty to trickle in...it's that post-adrenalin
feeling you're awash in, that's all. You're just not used to being relaxed.

Hugs
Hops
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Tupp, it feels like shedding doubts and medical appointments that contribute nothing but stress to me.

I'm so glad you're turning to the move.  Closer to supporters, distance between you and the chaos manufacturer.

Yes.

:: Nodding::.

Lighter

Lighter, thank you, I love the title 'the chaos manufacturer' :)  So apt, and something else to add to your wisdom cookie collection :)

Yes, I think practical and positive is the way to go.  I think we're at the end of the road health wise; I'll continue to try for an all round healthy lifestyle for him and there are a couple of 'alternative' type treatments (mostly to do with encouraging growth in neural pathways; brain plasticity, I think it's called) that I am going to read up on a bit more and look into.  I don't think it will hurt to experiment with things like massage and different types of music as well so I'll engage in a bit of that too, but essentially I think shelving any further appointments is the best idea.

I have given him a good childhood.  I'm proud of that; there have been a lot of obstacles along the way but he's been happy, healthy and well looked after and he's a confident, happy young man.  Someone at the train station yesterday commented on how nice it was to see a young lad reading and in the doctor's surgery during the week he was going on one of his mad linguistic rambles (his mind works in loops and he sees really funny connections) and the lady sitting next to him was laughing along with me at what he was saying (he loves making people laugh).  So I've done a good job; next step is to focus on me a bit and work towards getting him living and being supported by others.  We're heading in the right direction, I think :)

Phew!  Thank you for all the help and support, everybody, and listening to my rambles and waffling :) xx
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That makes total sense to me, Tupp.

It's wonderful as an example of how easing up on All Wrong vs All Right, All True vs Real Paradox, all that kind of thing.... helps us heal and find peace.

It made perfect sense to want to insist on a precise diagnosis for your son. And now, it makes sense to grasp that try as they might, scientists and doctors do not have complete explanations and precise diagnoses for everything that can befall a human. Sometimes, it really is a mystery.

I'm relieved for you, that you are finding peace amid that ambiguity. And, life beckons louder!

(I think when for survival we have to fight and fight and fight, one of the biggest challenges is to hear the call of armistice. Peace-time.)

You've earned it and I'm believing that you will be able to enjoy it! I couldn't possibly understate my respect for what a huge achievement that is.

hugs
Hops

Thank you, Hops, that means a lot :)

I think my main issue was that his health vanished so completely and for so many years that the notion that no-one has a clue why kind of baffles me.  It's also really taken a toll on me so trying to find an answer seemed, to me, to give some security against it happening again.  It seems now that isn't the case and if there's no practical outcome that's any use to us then there's no point going through these endlessly stressful and time consuming appointments.  There's a part of me that fears just saying 'C'est la vie' (or whatever the most appropriate phrase might be) but also a part that finds it liberating.  I'm trying to focus on the liberating bit :)  I think now the thing to do is focus on what we can do practically - a good college place would be worth its weight in gold, as would having access to a few more leisure activities a bit nearer to home.  For me personally it would be so lovely to be within coffee drinking distance of four very good friends, one of whom has a son who gets on well with my son (the others have kids that are nice to my boy but he and this one lad get on particularly well together and are similar ages).  And of course, being away from old memories will be nice as well.  So practical change is afoot!  I do feel very tired today - I think all the stress and tension that's been building up is starting to seep out so I feel quite deflated.  But my workload has reduced dramatically if I can stop the 'illness' pursuit now so I can slow down a bit and spend a bit more time on me.

In other news - and I'll keep you all posted on this - a nice man has contacted me.  I know him vaguely from my wild days many years ago as I used to know his sister.  I met him a couple of times back then and liked him a lot, but he was a very sweet, sensitive guy and not at all suited to my heavy drinking, 'take all the drugs you can get ' stage of life.

I've not seen him in twenty years but have bumped into his sister from time to time and swopped 'hi' messages and then a little contact over the years via email and Facebook.  He messaged me last week as he has just moved back to the area (and ironically is living in the same village as me) so we are meeting up for a drink next week.

I am looking forward to some intelligent conversation if nothing else!  I have been pondering how ironic it would be to meet someone just as I'm preparing to move.  I am putting the cart before the horse, of course, but am trying to go forward with an open mind and just enjoy the experience for whatever it turns out to be :) xx
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You have so many projects, Amber.  I'm trying to get out from under projects,and you're embracing new ones.  Good Lord, you are tackling them like a champ

Just shifting my sofa into my dining room,creating a keeping room, is feeling overwhelming right now.  That's what getting snowed in did for me today.....time to problem solve furniture arrangements.

:: Shaking head::..

Not my strong suit.

Lighter
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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: S**t happens
« Last post by lighter on January 17, 2018, 08:05:49 PM »
::Doing the happy dance!::.

Woo hoo, Hops.  The colon of a 25yo.

That's impressive..... I think; )
Lighter
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Tupp, it feels like shedding doubts and medical appointments that contribute nothing but stress to me.

I'm so glad you're turning to the move.  Closer to supporters, distance between you and the chaos manufacturer.

Yes.

:: Nodding::.

Lighter
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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: S**t happens
« Last post by Hopalong on January 17, 2018, 04:50:17 PM »
Thanks, Kathy, me too!

(Now if I only had the ASS of a 25 year-old...but I guess that would require a different sort of doctor....)

 :lol:
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That makes total sense to me, Tupp.

It's wonderful as an example of how easing up on All Wrong vs All Right, All True vs Real Paradox, all that kind of thing.... helps us heal and find peace.

It made perfect sense to want to insist on a precise diagnosis for your son. And now, it makes sense to grasp that try as they might, scientists and doctors do not have complete explanations and precise diagnoses for everything that can befall a human. Sometimes, it really is a mystery.

I'm relieved for you, that you are finding peace amid that ambiguity. And, life beckons louder!

(I think when for survival we have to fight and fight and fight, one of the biggest challenges is to hear the call of armistice. Peace-time.)

You've earned it and I'm believing that you will be able to enjoy it! I couldn't possibly understate my respect for what a huge achievement that is.

hugs
Hops
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