Recent Posts

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Argh, I can imagine!  I'm hoping to get myself into an organised kind of space before my bits and pieces start to conk out - a small place within walking distance of shops and plenty of activities, a good bus service and a train station for venturing further afield.  My friend's nan is suffering terribly with loneliness (she's in her 90s) and it's making her ill, but she won't move.  She's much loved and has a large family who all visit as much as they can but she's over an hour's drive from the nearest relative so she's on her own a lot.  They've shown her some retirement apartments in town, much closer to all of them plus there's a lot more going on, lots of neighbours her age and a warden on site in case of emergency but she won't budge.  Some people are their own worst enemies! x

Unfortunately, yes.

I'm trying to age in place where I am given that I have no family to look to.
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Yes, I think you're right, Skep.  It's funny how things affect you; I feel like I've been climbing mountains but the actual physical work involved in filling out that paperwork was a few hours.  I'm working on feeling grateful - grateful I've got a sofa to snuggle down into, a cat to cuddle up with, an amiable son who's happy to do his own thing while I rest or get on with something else.

With regards to what I'd like to do - well, I've been mulling that over in my mind today.  What I realised is how lonely I feel, and how much I want to talk to people, but only certain kinds of people!  I really want open, intelligent conversations - not with everyone I meet, but I want (mostly) positivity, a willingness to learn, open mindedness, humour!  I have cut myself off from a lot of people because I just couldn't cope anymore with the endless complaining or the questions about my son or the grumbling about politics, etc, etc, etc.  So I do need to start getting out there more and going into situations hopeful of meeting like minded souls but not falling apart at the seams if my ears are burning from another racist rant twenty minutes later!  I think this will get easier once my son's in college and he has a regular carer so that I can go off and do what I fancy without worrying about him.

I think I'd love to go back to college and do further study as well.  I enjoyed Uni so much - I loved that structure of having a framework but being free to do what you wanted within it.  That sort of thing really suits me.  So that's something else I'm going to look into.  And I think I need to look after my body better - I ache all the time!  I might book myself a massage or something :)

Anyway, how are things with you?  How is everything going with the house (and the two kittys!)? x
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Argh, I can imagine!  I'm hoping to get myself into an organised kind of space before my bits and pieces start to conk out - a small place within walking distance of shops and plenty of activities, a good bus service and a train station for venturing further afield.  My friend's nan is suffering terribly with loneliness (she's in her 90s) and it's making her ill, but she won't move.  She's much loved and has a large family who all visit as much as they can but she's over an hour's drive from the nearest relative so she's on her own a lot.  They've shown her some retirement apartments in town, much closer to all of them plus there's a lot more going on, lots of neighbours her age and a warden on site in case of emergency but she won't budge.  Some people are their own worst enemies! x
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Found this article through Reddit:

http://www.goyourownway.org/GOYOUROWNWAY/DOCUMENTS/EMOTIONAL%20WELLBEING/EMOTIONAL%20BLACKMAIL.pdf

It's nice to see you posting, Bones :)  I hope things are starting to pick up a little.  I'll have a read through that article later, it looks interesting :) xx

Thanks, Tupp.

I'm still trying to work through stuff.  I had to arrange to get rid of my car for good as I'm no longer in any position to be able to maintain it.

Cars are such a blessing and a curse, aren't they, so necessary and give you so much independence but also costly to run and difficult to repair yourself if you don't have the skills/tools/time etc.  We've had lengthy periods over the years when we didn't have a vehicle and it is something I really miss if/when the time comes.  But sometimes it does just get too much to keep one on the road.  I'm sorry to hear it has to go (((((((((Bonesie))))))))))) xx

Thanks, (((((((((((Tupp)))))))))))

Between my medical bills, my vision changes that impact my ability to see well enough in traffic, and everything else, I had to yield to the logic of the situation.

Yes, I get that, I find driving in the dark difficult these days and can see a time when it really won't be an option anymore.  From there, I'm guessing not driving at all is the next step.  It's hard giving up the independence but as you say, people need to be sensible, bills need to be paid and none of us wants to cause an accident with our doddery driving!  Hugs, Bonesie xx

Thanks, Tupp.

I've even told my insurance agent that I don't want to be one of those crazy old farts proclaiming:  "I'll stop driving when they pry the car keys from my cold, dead hands."  I've encountered one such idiot TWICE when I was still able to drive!  That idiot had NO business driving at all!!!!

Ah, Bonesie, I know what you mean, it would be funny if it weren't so dangerous!  I love the independence of driving and I know when the time comes to stop I'll feel sad but I'd feel much worse if I killed someone!  A friend of mine is going through exactly this with her mum at the moment - she ran someone over and it then turned out she had cataracts and could barely see.  They've been operated on so now she wants her licence back.  Her eyesight's still not great and she's just getting pretty doddery so it really seems more sensible to use the bus.  She lives in a rural area and won't move, so if she can't drive she'll become increasingly housebound.  We all hope we'll stay healthy and fully functioning until we just pass quietly in bed but life just isn't like that.  I think it's so important to accept our limitations - particularly when they may affect someone else.  And sometimes you meet nice people on the bus! Lol.  I hope you are doing okay.  Lots of love xx

Thanks, Tupp!

I remember when the mother of NDoofus was diagnosed with Alzheimer's, she was hell-bent to keep driving!  We had to take the car keys away from her and put the car out of her reach!  Boy, did she throw one hellacious TANTRUM!!!!  It was NOT pretty!
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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: I'm Back
« Last post by sKePTiKal on July 24, 2017, 06:58:54 AM »
Well, we do tend to trade a chunk of ourselves, for love and marriage (stability) and the ability to raise a family. I don't think there's really much choice in the process - for men or women. We have to give up something for we what get in that relationship. Sometimes, it seems to us women that we give up more than the men do. But I'm not sure that's really an accurate perception.

So, once kids have grown and can be more independent (the kayak description is a great metaphor here) there is now TIME and SPACE to wonder about the "path not taken". To reclaim parts of ourselves that we set aside in the mutual coming together of the relationship and family.

There have got to be ways to do this, without seeing the "husband" as the opposition; to make those kinds of changes without sacrificing what you've already lived through and honored. You don't HAVE to give up that... to set out on the path of resuming the exploration for wholeness of self. I'm not entirely sure I know how to do that; what those ways are. But I believe it comes from mutual trust in each other, the deeper love that just wants the other to be happy and fulfilled. And the ability to honestly communicate what you want & need... and the willingness to change, according to how life is changing for you.

I see no reason you couldn't go to school now, Erin. Yeah, you're older; your resources have changed; the requirements have changed. Ask yourself: do you STILL want this? If not, time to explore what else you're interested in that could evolve into a new pattern of how Erin's life is constructed. And there's no reason to give up a marriage to do so - necessarily.
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Tupps - you put forth great effort to tackle all the son's applications - from a different place, than in the past. You proved to teenaged Tupp, that you COULD do that - you aren't forever stuck "doing what you've always done, the way you've always done it".

That causes a reaction for me; kinda sounds like you've got a touch of it too. I call it "whiplash" - in that "I've done it now; I'll surely be punished" - for stepping out of the only so-called "safe" way of being, that while not fun, satisfying or exciting - was safe. Be glad you're only dealing with sort of a blank space, till you've rested up from the energetic push through. It could be worse (it has, for me, at times).

After a few days of R&R - just doing the basics - you'll bounce back. What kinds of things would like to pursue just for you? Do you have an inkling?
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Hey, y'all (I'm practising being American, lol) :)

Just a little update.

Thank you for all help, support, advice and words of encouragement.  It means so much.  Thank you.

I have been feeling pretty flat and listless.  Lacking in energy, direction and motivation.  I am beginning to see that operating from a place of desire, ambition and healthy construction is very different to living in a way that minimises and manages fear, both real and imagined.  I'm 44 next month and pretty much everything in my life has either been a reaction to a frightening situation (much in childhood that then became ingrained in who I am and became part of my adult life) or a reaction to dealing with a circumstance.  There's very little I've chosen to do and then gone after.  And I'm not even entirely sure what I want at this stage in my life, after fifteen very long years at home looking after my boy.  So I think perhaps I should just try to 'do' my day and notice what feels nice and what doesn't.  And then do more of the nice stuff and less of the not so nice (apart from eating biscuits - always nice but not good for the tum).

In other news - a distant cousin is visiting the country and has been meeting up with various relatives.  Pics appeared on Facebook and there was a picture of my mum, out having lunch with some distant relatives.  I didn't realise it was her at first, it was only when I read the description of who was in the photo that I saw her name and went back.  She looked so well - pretty, relaxed and happy.  And what has occurred to me since is that I didn't have a negative response to that photo - or any kind of response, really.  I saw a picture of a group of ladies out having a nice time.  I think this is a sign of healing :)
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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: I'm Back
« Last post by Twoapenny on July 24, 2017, 03:21:46 AM »
Yesterday my husband and son and I were kayaking down the river.  My son is a great kayaker (is that a word?) and took off. My husband and I were paddling together but I kept getting ahead and then having to stop and wait for him. And it dawned on me, this is a metaphor for our whole lives. 

I was thinking earlier about the person I used to be.  I used to be determined and ambitious. I set goals and reached them. I accomplished what I set out to do. An old boyfriend once told me, "Where there is an Erin, there's a way."  And then what happened?  i got married.

I was headed for medical school before I had my son.  Then waited for "the right time" to go back to school until it was no longer an option.

I thought my husband would be the one to help me heal from my past, to save me from my demons. I'm still waiting.  So much for all the progress I could have made in the meantime.

I could have spent my mother's money on Paramedic School. I would have been done by now.  Instead I chose to wait until my husband (also an EMT) was ready to go with me.  We spent the money on other things and I am still an EMT. 

I am ready to move forward with this marriage and start making dramatic positive changes. He is not ready to give up his old selfish ways.

I'm not waiting.

Deep down, I am still that woman. God never intended for me to sit around acting like a frightened little person. I don't have to wait for my husband's say-so to go to school or heal my wounds or be the person I want to be. I don't know what enticed me to bury myself for so many years, but I know I'm done with it.

Hi Erin, it's nice to see you back :)  And nice to read you are in warrior mode.  I can understand the 'waiting for someone else to do it, too' method.  I think it feels scary to do things on your own, whether it's healing and repairing damage or moving on to a new adventure.  It's nice to have someone catch you if you fall.  But then you realise that person might also be the reason you're not doing it in the first place.  Go for it.  Hubby may catch up!  He might not.  Where there is an Erin, there's a way ;)  And keep us posted!  I love reading your news :) x
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Found this article through Reddit:

http://www.goyourownway.org/GOYOUROWNWAY/DOCUMENTS/EMOTIONAL%20WELLBEING/EMOTIONAL%20BLACKMAIL.pdf

It's nice to see you posting, Bones :)  I hope things are starting to pick up a little.  I'll have a read through that article later, it looks interesting :) xx

Thanks, Tupp.

I'm still trying to work through stuff.  I had to arrange to get rid of my car for good as I'm no longer in any position to be able to maintain it.

Cars are such a blessing and a curse, aren't they, so necessary and give you so much independence but also costly to run and difficult to repair yourself if you don't have the skills/tools/time etc.  We've had lengthy periods over the years when we didn't have a vehicle and it is something I really miss if/when the time comes.  But sometimes it does just get too much to keep one on the road.  I'm sorry to hear it has to go (((((((((Bonesie))))))))))) xx

Thanks, (((((((((((Tupp)))))))))))

Between my medical bills, my vision changes that impact my ability to see well enough in traffic, and everything else, I had to yield to the logic of the situation.

Yes, I get that, I find driving in the dark difficult these days and can see a time when it really won't be an option anymore.  From there, I'm guessing not driving at all is the next step.  It's hard giving up the independence but as you say, people need to be sensible, bills need to be paid and none of us wants to cause an accident with our doddery driving!  Hugs, Bonesie xx

Thanks, Tupp.

I've even told my insurance agent that I don't want to be one of those crazy old farts proclaiming:  "I'll stop driving when they pry the car keys from my cold, dead hands."  I've encountered one such idiot TWICE when I was still able to drive!  That idiot had NO business driving at all!!!!

Ah, Bonesie, I know what you mean, it would be funny if it weren't so dangerous!  I love the independence of driving and I know when the time comes to stop I'll feel sad but I'd feel much worse if I killed someone!  A friend of mine is going through exactly this with her mum at the moment - she ran someone over and it then turned out she had cataracts and could barely see.  They've been operated on so now she wants her licence back.  Her eyesight's still not great and she's just getting pretty doddery so it really seems more sensible to use the bus.  She lives in a rural area and won't move, so if she can't drive she'll become increasingly housebound.  We all hope we'll stay healthy and fully functioning until we just pass quietly in bed but life just isn't like that.  I think it's so important to accept our limitations - particularly when they may affect someone else.  And sometimes you meet nice people on the bus! Lol.  I hope you are doing okay.  Lots of love xx
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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: I'm Back
« Last post by Redhead Erin on July 23, 2017, 02:59:19 PM »
Yesterday my husband and son and I were kayaking down the river.  My son is a great kayaker (is that a word?) and took off. My husband and I were paddling together but I kept getting ahead and then having to stop and wait for him. And it dawned on me, this is a metaphor for our whole lives. 

I was thinking earlier about the person I used to be.  I used to be determined and ambitious. I set goals and reached them. I accomplished what I set out to do. An old boyfriend once told me, "Where there is an Erin, there's a way."  And then what happened?  i got married.

I was headed for medical school before I had my son.  Then waited for "the right time" to go back to school until it was no longer an option.

I thought my husband would be the one to help me heal from my past, to save me from my demons. I'm still waiting.  So much for all the progress I could have made in the meantime.

I could have spent my mother's money on Paramedic School. I would have been done by now.  Instead I chose to wait until my husband (also an EMT) was ready to go with me.  We spent the money on other things and I am still an EMT. 

I am ready to move forward with this marriage and start making dramatic positive changes. He is not ready to give up his old selfish ways.

I'm not waiting.

Deep down, I am still that woman. God never intended for me to sit around acting like a frightened little person. I don't have to wait for my husband's say-so to go to school or heal my wounds or be the person I want to be. I don't know what enticed me to bury myself for so many years, but I know I'm done with it.

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