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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Becoming "me"
« Last post by sKePTiKal on March 25, 2017, 08:38:59 AM »
Well, I've been "shopping"... and finding alternative solutions to my space/storage/work area problems. That means I have to slow down and make decisions - LOL. Just when I thought I was going to be moving ahead. And we had a good snow... which is making me rethink my vehicle/equipment plan too. Found a really nice and right sized tractor... at a decent price... and while part of me thoroughly enjoys the idea of me on a tractor, customizing my landscape and making it "just so" - I really wouldn't use a tractor that much. Equipment that sits; is equipment that isn't ready to go when you are, so I passed on it.

Made serious inroads on the paper monster - a lot of files simply had to be thrown into boxes to get moved up here, and when I was in packing mode, there no time to shred. I've shredded 4-5 large green bags of paper this week or so. And used my old Bejewelled computer game as enticement to spend that much time doing a monotonous task that I don't enjoy at all.

I'm finding I'd much rather visit the stores and people right around here - than go over the mountain to the shopping mecca of a town I used to live in. There just isn't anything there for me (much) anymore. My tai chi teacher. There's less artifice or persona about people here; they are who they are and don't feel there's any need to pretend otherwise. They're warm and simply human and it's encouraging me to feel safe enough to just be me, too. Without worrying about being "liked" or "approved". That's different and takes a little getting used to.

And over the winter, all my discombobulation and fretting over decisions - is it the right thing, what are the follow-on impacts, what will people think... all that has settled & quieted & pretty much gone away. I'm having more fun days, these days, than I've had in a good long while. Even while I'm still dealing with business matters, taxes, cardboard boxes and "which box is THAT in?" stuff. The draconian slave-driver demanding that work must proceed at a break-neck pace until it's "done" has been fired. The ability to look at the "blank canvas" of the space around me - for hours and days and weeks - until I know just what needs to go where is back.

And there are surprises!! After the snow melted, I started seeing clumps of yellow blooms along the road and in the ditches - these aren't dandelions; it's the bloom of coltsfoot - a useful medicinal herb that grows wild. I've got a big patch of it on the backside of the pond dam. There's mullein, of course. I've heard that a couple owners ago, they kept goats here as well as chickens. I'm still debating the question of whether I want to be obligated to keeping animals - but my friend brought me a dozen of her fresh brown eggs and a person can almost taste the increase in protein in them.

Mio-mio is out of sorts; gave me fits yesterday. We're still trying to convince her it's OK to come out of her hidey hole way back in an awkward spot in my closet. I think it's my fault for thinking she might like different crunchies. I had a backup of her normal crunchies and moved food & water into the closet for the time being. LOL, I was disassembling the racks that hold the baskets in there at 7 am yesterday morning in a total panic to find out if she was OK. Maybe I do need a dog and a couple of inside/outside cats... LOL. There are lots of baby fish in the goldfish pond that made it through the winter even though the kids were afraid they'd all die. Now I have to buy fish food... LOL.

The warm is coming back; going to be in the 70s today. And I have SOOOO much outside work to get started on to get ready for some of the other stuff that's going to go on around here this summer.
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Science of Motivation
« Last post by sKePTiKal on March 25, 2017, 08:05:40 AM »
Good! I'm glad to hear it!!

Things are "going" here too. I've been out gadding about my local farm stores, etc and talking to people. Been feeling - hopeful, I think; engaged; and like I'm connecting to these new people. As for herding my inner cats to all work together, I think I've kind of found a way to do that too. There are going to be some more tough spots, I think. But we'll cross that bridge - later - if we don't find another way to cross.
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Poems
« Last post by mudpuppy on March 25, 2017, 12:02:55 AM »
Poetry is a much better subject than politics.

There once was a man from Nantucket...  :)


Trump and my brother are dissimilar in ways too numerous to count and similar in very few and those are superficial. In fact I suspect  a neutral third party with their perspective not ensnared in politics would almost certainly note that my dear brother shares many, many more personality traits with the  44th president rather than the 45th.

Regardless, personalities are irrelevant to good policy and a political philosophy that sustains life, liberty and property and those are the things that interest me in the political  realm, not how somebody feels or makes other people feel.
Feelings are for the Hallmark Channel. Thought, experience, reason and the basic morality that government's only legitimate purposes are to protect the country from foreign threats and from one citizen harming another are for political philosophy.

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Science of Motivation
« Last post by lighter on March 24, 2017, 03:36:43 PM »
::: whispering:::...

I'm in the zone......Not sure how long it will last...... I've inhabited it over a week.....Maybe two.

If it lasts all weekend I'll comment on it.


Does Trump never remind you of your brother or his way of operating in the world?

I was struck hard by similarities between my husband and Trump during the election. 

Think for a moment .....Any simarity at all?


ig∑no∑ra∑mus  (ĭg′nə-rā′məs)  n. 

An ignorant person.

I  didn't miss the sympathy. I found it underwhelming when she said we are  ignorant.
How'd you miss the insult? More importantly why did you approvingly repeat it?
We're not ignorant and the vast majority of us are not any of the things the left accuses us of so they don't have to debate ideas; a debate they invariably lose.
We're sick of the arrogant, casual insults and the supercilious condescension and projection  by people who are routinely  wrong and who are locked into a rigid ideology that prevents their admission they're  wrong  but instead prompts them to become ever more condescending and averse to debating ideas.
There are a few relatively  gentle souls like you but unfortunately  you are, in my experience, more the exception than the rule.


The problem is all that rambling sounds compassionate but in the real world it leads to more misery not less.
Sentiment is worth less than zero when it meets the hard edge of human nature. There is for instance no compassion in patronizingly feeling sympathy for the fear of  the  mother of a black child at the hands of the police when he is at least 1,000 times as likely to be killed by another black child.
After 50 years of a war on poverty based on the  concept of white privilege the poverty rate is the same and the inner cities are if anything worse.
The thing that is killing blacks more than anything is white liberals working out their guilt complexes on them regardless of the consequences.
People die by the thousands due to the policies that have torn their neighborhoods and families apart and you worry that sarcasm isn't  appropriate when people suggest doubling down on these murderous policies that will kill and maim thousands more and condemn another generation or two to government dependency and the hopelessness that goes with it.
Under segregation black families were nearly as intact as whites and black teenage unemployment was actually lower than whites. Now, segregation was awful but for the black underclass the last fifty or sixty years of left wing government paternalism has been vastly worse in almost every single category that can be measured. That takes some doing.

So pardon my anger but you're damn right I'm mad when the people who constructed this catastrophe for the most vulnerable members of society ignore what they've wrought and prattle on about checking my privilege when they apparently  long ago checked their brains in order to preen about how much they care about the lives they've destroyed. Toss in the almost unspeakable  conceit of calling those who oppose what they've done racists and it seems to me the anger is rather more muted than it should be.

 Leftism not only means never having to say you're sorry, it provides one with the moral certitude to expect thanks from the ones you should be saying sorry to.

I'm  not  sure  why those on the left side of the spectrum are so unhappy. You won. You told us drugs are fun and the most vulnerable believed you and now swim in a sea of narcotics and opiods. You told us we needed a sexual revolution and that marriage was old fashioned and that we should  pay mothers without husbands. We now have a legitimacy rate approaching single digits, abortions vastly disproportionately hitting blacks, roving bands of fatherless boys killing each other and almost total devastation of black inner city families. You told us we needed open borders and now the same pathologies are hitting Hispanic neighborhoods and illegal aliens are soaking up the entry level jobs black youth used to use to get a foot on the  ladder. You told us blacks lagged because of whitey's racism and privilege and so black youth don't even try anymore because somebody owes them an "A" and a job or the dole.
You told us progressive policies were what were needed and after decades of almost complete progressive rule of every major city the poor black population is in worse shape than before. You told us black criminals were really victims and we went soft on crime and the crime rate soared. Who were the victims? White professors and politicians who told them criminals were really victims? No their black neighbors were the overwhelming victims of the crime wave. Thank God  common sense prevailed and the crime rate was brought down, but now the left whines about "mass incarceration" and if they have their way they  and the BLM  crowd mouthing the same platitudes will unleash another crime wave on the poor black neighbors of the thugs the left wants freed.
Congratulations. The left won.
That's why people are so ticked off: when the left wins everybody else loses.

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything
« Last post by Garbanzo on March 23, 2017, 10:53:55 PM »
Author of the book The Artist's Way

"Seems to be if people work on their creativity their spirituality goes up, if people work on their spirituality their creativity goes up." 

Find this idea interesting.
Ales, thank you SO much for sharing this. I really related to what you wrote. I also worked in the entertainment industry for the bulk of my career, and feel that the emotional damage caused by my N-Mother impacted the level of success I achieved (or failed to achieve). Working in the industry is tough for anyone, and even tougher for someone who is emotionally damaged, though like you, I had no idea at the time that my N-mother had left me an emotional cripple.

I got my first job in the mailroom of an L.A. television station straight out of high school, after having fled my parentís home. At the time I was young, had limited social skills, and needed a place to belong. The people at the station became my family and made me feel secure for a full decade. BUT, as I aged, the cutthroat side of the business presented itself. You have to be very aggressive to make it the entertainment industry, and I was anything but. Still, I did okay while I was ďhomeĒ in Los Angeles.

Then my husband (who I now know to be an N as well) accepted a job transfer in Arizona. I didnít assert myself on that, accepted the move, and in the process developed an anxiety disorder. With my self esteem dwindling, I now failed to assert myself enough in job interviews to get the positions I wanted. Like you, one of them, I thought, would be my dream job: assistant art director at an ABC affiliate. I lost out to a younger person because I didnít assert myself when they told me that my major market background made me over-qualified, and that I ďwouldnít be happyĒ in the position. I was unable to stand tall and tell them that *I* am the only one to determine what makes me happy. How dare they decide that on my behalf?

So I ended up working as a production assistant at age 40, putting my MBA to use fetching coffee. I started weekly therapy, which is when I was finally told, ďSounds like your mother had NPD.Ē The darned thing is, at that age, the damage was done. As you said, ďsolutions were complicated.Ē

When I moved back to L.A. I must have sent out 100 resumes, but it was futile. No employer could make sense of a resume that went in reverse. Why would someone who was Director of Advertising move to a small town, and work entry level production jobs in the middle of the desert? I was finally offered a minimum wage gig as a talent agentís assistant, a position that is, in my opinion, the single most demeaning job in the business. The woman who was my boss was horrid to me. At the same time, my NM began to ridicule me for my failing career. I guess thatís when I finally learned to assert myself because I made the decision to go NC. Perhaps the rage I felt towards my mother transferred to the workplace, and N-boss was next. One day, after having a shoe thrown at me, I told her to F herself and walked off the job. This probably went beyond asserting myself. This was the point of just f*ck everyone who was hurting me.

I didn't mean for this to end up to be longer than your original essay, or for it to sound like a pity party. It wasnít all bad. I had some wonderful experiences as a P.A., had a good deal of fun, and made friends that Iíll have for life. In hindsight, maybe I actually accomplished more than I give myself credit for, given how emotionally damaged I was. Still, Iíll always dwell on what could have been. Now that Iím ďretired,Ē Iím trying to pull strength from it and move forward. Iím actively writing and hoping that a novel emerges (I'm close with over 300 pages). My writing draws from my own experiences, which Iím finding to be quite therapeutic. Maybe I can make lemonade out of this and become a successful writer. Or I wonít. Becoming a writer, again, not a great career choice for someone with low self-esteem, but Iím going to try because Iím stronger now and actually have a support system of fellow writers.

Okay, Iím rambling, but I needed to vent because your words really reached me. Thatís the sign of a good essay. Thank you! I do hope your career is going well.


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