Author Topic: End of the Road Farm  (Read 4373 times)

Hopalong

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Re: End of the Road Farm
« Reply #225 on: August 04, 2018, 12:59:48 PM »
OH my gosh.
You really do have a caring connection with this man...and bless him for giving you reality as Mike was in his last chapter. That's a huge gift, imo. No wonder. And he's been there for you.

Forgive me but I am actually a little bit excited that he'll now be close enough to, errrrrrr, actually MEET?

I can't imagine how that feels.

But you already have Real Friendship. If that's where it stops, it's still a beautiful place.

You can leave Hols. You can go right on ahead with your separate thing. If you don't WANT to, that's cool...but you totally can take off and go explore helping him. If you WANT to. She'll cope.

Big hugs,
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Twoapenny

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Re: End of the Road Farm
« Reply #226 on: August 04, 2018, 02:08:54 PM »
Skep, I know my son isn't an adult yet, but I do think we underestimate what our grown up kids can do/cope with, because they don't have the same damage that we do/did.  They've not grown up in the same toxic, caustic, abusive environments and they don't have parents who don't care/can't care/won't listen/can't hear anything.  We went out with a friend in the week, myself and my son, my friend, three of her four kids (two teenagers, one mid twenties) and her little grandson and we were all sat chatting.  The kids are confident, friendly, they chat about school, college, work, nights out, there's no sense of them and us (kids and adults).  Everyone was just sitting enjoying the sun and talking.  The two younger ones wanted to go home early so they went off and caught the bus, the rest of us went for a walk and caught the later bus back.  When I was a teenager I felt crippled when talking to adults, or other teenagers.  My mum would poke, prod, ridicule and just generally make life uncomfortable.  So I marvelled at the way these kids can sit and chat quite freely - my own son included - because they haven't had the same upbringing that I/we had.  I only give it as an example because I think our kids have a stronger foundation for the most part, and so can manage to sort themselves out (I know your other D isn't quite along those lines but H seems to be).  I think it's not just okay, but absolutely necessary, for you to keep your work schedule and me time in place - and if that means you can or can't help your doctor friend out then it's okay, either way.  It will all be okay xx

lighter

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Re: End of the Road Farm
« Reply #227 on: August 04, 2018, 02:34:11 PM »
Amber:

I think you could lend a hand to this friend, but perhaps not commit to extended time frame?

Holly needs her space.  She needs to heal, and solve things her way. 

You need to let her.  If she needs your physical presence, would she tell you?  She might be fine with your being gone for a short while, or linger.  She might heal faster on her in.

Just saying.... it's not crazy to reach out to this friend in his time if need, imo.  If only to help him get a handle on his situation.

I think you'd be a big help. 

Lighter

sKePTiKal

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Re: End of the Road Farm
« Reply #228 on: August 04, 2018, 03:48:40 PM »
Holly and I mind the boundaries pretty well. Even with the times we have bumped up against them. She comes and goes as she desires, I do my own things. No question she'll deal with this on her own - all I'm for is food - as she's hungry, hugs, and an understanding ear. We are good friends apart from the familial relationship. A safe place to do what she needs to - and she's no stranger to these parts. Lots of friends.

The doc is the problem. He's already dealing with 2 women - NOT a romantic possibility for me. I get that he's overwhelmed; I know exactly what that's like. I do feel for his situation - but I didn't do that to him. What I DON'T WANT is to insert myself into what looks like a bunch of messy "other people's problems". That's a major no-no for me; it always ends up badly for me. I do like him, and he has been helpful to me.

He is at times too "fatherly" in his protectiveness of me, and I redraw that boundary. I'm no less competent or experienced than Holly is. He immediately saw Ronnie as a "problem", for instance and worst-case scenario'd our informal working relationship. He was relieved to hear about the bike accident, for instance.

Makes me think some distance is warranted. And I need to watch out for my "volunteer" reflex. It's that "need to be needed", I think. It's abundantly CLEAR that Holly doesn't need me, to move on and leave the relationship in the past. But I can validate the things I'm seeing/hearing that are good as she does it, and wear off some of the edges of 9 years of INvalidation, too. It's most interesting, that it was Hol that pulled me back from getting in over my head.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

Twoapenny

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Re: End of the Road Farm
« Reply #229 on: August 04, 2018, 04:32:37 PM »
Holly and I mind the boundaries pretty well. Even with the times we have bumped up against them. She comes and goes as she desires, I do my own things. No question she'll deal with this on her own - all I'm for is food - as she's hungry, hugs, and an understanding ear. We are good friends apart from the familial relationship. A safe place to do what she needs to - and she's no stranger to these parts. Lots of friends.

The doc is the problem. He's already dealing with 2 women - NOT a romantic possibility for me. I get that he's overwhelmed; I know exactly what that's like. I do feel for his situation - but I didn't do that to him. What I DON'T WANT is to insert myself into what looks like a bunch of messy "other people's problems". That's a major no-no for me; it always ends up badly for me. I do like him, and he has been helpful to me.

He is at times too "fatherly" in his protectiveness of me, and I redraw that boundary. I'm no less competent or experienced than Holly is. He immediately saw Ronnie as a "problem", for instance and worst-case scenario'd our informal working relationship. He was relieved to hear about the bike accident, for instance.

Makes me think some distance is warranted. And I need to watch out for my "volunteer" reflex. It's that "need to be needed", I think. It's abundantly CLEAR that Holly doesn't need me, to move on and leave the relationship in the past. But I can validate the things I'm seeing/hearing that are good as she does it, and wear off some of the edges of 9 years of INvalidation, too. It's most interesting, that it was Hol that pulled me back from getting in over my head.

I think that people like you do tend to volunteer to help, Skep, you're so resourceful and practical that you can handle pretty much any situation and you would breeze in there and get a whole load of stuff sorted out.  But that's also why it's important to say no if necessary, or offer support in a more manageable way, like talking on the phone or by email rather than physically being there.  Just don't feel bad about doing whatever is needed or necessary for you.  I think it's good that you've recognised that 'other people's problems' are just that - other people's :) xx

sKePTiKal

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Re: End of the Road Farm
« Reply #230 on: August 05, 2018, 07:57:13 AM »
The only boundary issue I'm finding with Hol of any significance - is that form of empathy that arises from my own recent deep grief, when I'm aware of hers. We deal with it differently... which isn't a conflict for us because I recognize she needs to do what she needs to do. And if I don't, I'm TOLD in short order to back off - LOL.

She obviously knows how I sometimes miss/don't process social cues fast enough.

Going to be BUSY around here for a couple of weeks. Some logistical problems, too.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

sKePTiKal

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Re: End of the Road Farm
« Reply #231 on: August 12, 2018, 09:19:30 AM »
Knuckles - the knucklehead puppy - has found his role as a contributor to the "cause" around here. He's been bringing up sticks (admittedly to get someone to throw it for him to fetch) and then mulching them on the porch. This morning, he dragged a 6 ft long limb (6 in diameter at the base) all the way up the hill. He hasn't figured out how to get it up the steps yet.

I guess he's a "wood retriever".

I think Hol is over the worst of the emotional processing. In a couple of weeks, she's whittled my to-do list down, to where I have more split wood than I had for the whole season last year. (There will be a LOT more to come, as the driveway work gets done soon; that involves removing about 20 trees.) Floors downstairs get started early tomorrow morning. I was getting at least one coat of paint on the 4 doors down there while she was splitting wood. A few more things to clear out - do a cobweb run - vacumn and then I'm ready.

That whole space is going to look/feel different with a new floor. And THEN, the fun part can proceed - decorating. I'll need to finish sorting/purging in the garage/getting the auction to pick up some stuff and then I can organize THAT space finally and hopefully get some ideas about creating a "bunkhouse" space in there... so I can finally deal with the other room upstairs, as a guest room. I need it empty to do that (to "see" the space) and the bunkbeds I have are just way too huge for that room. The upstairs rooms are under the eaves and have been chopped up to make bathrooms - RV style - and closets, too.

But somewhere in that process, I'll need to visit the roof redo - I want to add more insulation and maybe change it to a metal standing seam (TBD) roof... and redoing the decks... and the summer - fall - winter outdoor kitchen. And do a much more stuff... that keeps falling off the list or won't seem all that important when Hol moves back out again.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

lighter

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Re: End of the Road Farm
« Reply #232 on: August 13, 2018, 09:54:18 AM »
That was a satisfying read, Amber.  I'm glad you're moving through your list with some epeed.
I'm envious if all those little bathrooms, frankly.  My sister wants me to finish the shed into a little studio apartment, with small bathroom addition.  It's not 15 feet from septic so will see. 

It will be exciting to read about the decorating piece if your project.

Lighter

sKePTiKal

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Re: End of the Road Farm
« Reply #233 on: August 14, 2018, 07:54:32 AM »
I'm already rethinking the desk I picked out Lighter. It's a big old thing and that room isn't large. Flooring looks great! They're 3/4s done downstairs already and plan to finish up today. They had the old carpet out by 9:30 am and even that made a world of difference. The boards feel great on bare feet - warm even, and enough texture that it's not really slippery. I only have one coat of paint on the doors (wasn't too sure about the color; it's kind of a caramel color - blends/transitions from the warmer pine wall tones to the warm gray on the floor).

I know I'm going to want to close up the walls in the laundry room more. No idea why they left the bottom half open. I think I'm just going to use painted bead board and a tall chair rail molding. And INSULATE between the studs. LOL.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.