Author Topic: This and That  (Read 4542 times)

Hopalong

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Re: This and That
« Reply #195 on: May 15, 2018, 08:36:24 PM »
My neighbor felt lonely and isolated after a divorce and I watched her get emotionally involved and enmeshed with contractor after subcontractor after yard man... and it all wound up with her losing a load of money and being massively ripped off (plus shoddy work).

It's very tempting for women alone to bond with men they hire. But it's not wise, imn-ho. Best to keep it professional so you don't have to deal with the am I friend or am I employer and one day this and another day that... which rusts boundaries from the base, and which set you up for -- well, you know.

It's still not your fault. You can't create/control/cure crazy. But next time you may be more of the somewhat-distant boss person, who shares minimal info/personal space as the hired hands move in and out of her life. I bet the island situation just magnified it all in his twisted head.

I am very sorry; this could be trauma and I hope it won't be!

Hugs
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

lighter

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Re: This and That
« Reply #196 on: May 15, 2018, 11:45:28 PM »
Hops....never got personal with this contractor.  I knew he liked me, but I never smiled at him or laughed at his jokes, much less got friendly.  I knew better.

He made up a relationship in his head, and lied about it before I came back to island on my own. Once I was back, he threw a tantrum then explained he had a reason for doing it.... he confessed he had feelings for me.  I said it was never going to happen, and gave reasons I felt let him down easy....he looks and acts a lot like my father.  He demanded to see a photo if Dad....he really looks like him.  A lot.

He wanted to shave his beard.  I said my father was clean shaven the last 20 years if his life.  Contractor got drunk that night.  Said he sure hoped I found someone to kiss my pretty face.....leering...closing distance.  When he said I was from Georgia, and Georgia had a lot of incest.... I went to bed abruptly in disgust.

The rest was him ordering me around, making up stupid reasons to spin out of control....working less, making more requests to talk, which were impossible to endure at the end.  He asked me to bathe him.  Honestly.... he's not stable. 

He was trying to convince me he was trustworthy, when I knew he was anything but at that point.

Now he's texting he's still on the island, when I know his flight took off with him on it.

He's back making threats to come see me and talk.  He's fixated on violence....talks about next killing him in last text.  He's truly disordered, and I've never given him reason to believe I was more than a client.

I did believe spending time with our group might introduce some social skills. Boy was I wrong there, and no good deed goes unpunished.

If he'd stop demanding more than he's owed I could pay him and be done, but that's not what these people do.

Bleck.... I could easily wretch thinking about all the set ups to get angry....he didn't want me humming.  He pretended to be hurt the threw fits when I just blinked at him, not running to comfort him.  He wanted us to give each other compliments every hour....like a married couple in therapy might do.  I was having none if it, which was what he was upset over right before he was fired, and fired was what he needed to be. 

The fact he demanded I let him chop off my finger while he menaced me with a butchers knife didn't register as deal breaker to him.  Just his courting style....and he'd still be here picking fights and finding fault either me if I allowed it.

Drat.  I hate letting the little monster take up space in my head.  The cottage feels lovely without him.  I'm ready to banish thoughts of him for rest of trip.

Amber.... he's off the island, though he claims he's here, and coming to see me.  I'll file an official police report when I go North again.  I have to document with the police at this point.

Lighter





Twoapenny

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Re: This and That
« Reply #197 on: May 16, 2018, 12:50:37 AM »
Lighter this is terrifying, who is this guy??!  Can you file a report by phone or email rather than having to wait to do it in person?  My guess would be you're not the only woman he's unsafe around.  Is he an island resident or mainland?  I don't know how the legal system works there, does what happens next depend on where he lives or where you live?  Or where the threats took place?  Are other people there with you?  If not, can you go to a hotel?  Please don't be on your own, even for a short time.  This guy sounds seriously demented.  Save texts for evidence and then block his number, or change yours.  I'm so sorry, this is the last thing you need right now (it would be the last thing at any time but particularly when you've had so much else to cope with).  Please get this logged officially as soon as possible and make sure you're absolutely safe xx

lighter

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Re: This and That
« Reply #198 on: May 16, 2018, 08:25:17 AM »
Tupp.... I'm through handling crazies by myself.  A zero tolerance policy has to be implemented....has to.

And the guy is from two towns over from my home in the States.

Now.... I cut my keys off the ratty little string he put them on after licking himself out of the house while ranting at me over the phone... can't remember what he was ranting about, but the string went in trash.

Keys on good serviceable clasp aI wear around my neck with utility knife.

Not a peep from contractor since last threat to come see me last night.

On with my day.

Lighter

sKePTiKal

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Re: This and That
« Reply #199 on: May 16, 2018, 09:32:20 AM »
Do me a favor Lighter - work very hard at getting his energy out of that place. You want to visualize pushing his energy out while expanding your own to reclaim the space 100%.

Then, set up two check-in times with your neighbor or someone close enough to reach you within minutes. Just a short text message will do. Keep to that schedule - while you're working there. Set an alarm if you need to. Morning/evening might be a good way to do it.

If EVER you have a creepy feeling or intuition or dream... immediately contact someone and tell them. Don't wait.

This is just till you get on the plane to come home. Once you're home, you already know what to do.

This system isn't supposed to remind you of Mr. Icky. It's supposed to a) keep you safe from all kinds of issues... and b) let you finish up as fast as you can there until you're back home. Once you & the dog are reunited and working together... then you can go from there.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

Hopalong

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Re: This and That
« Reply #200 on: May 16, 2018, 11:57:27 AM »
((((Lighter))))

Gently, the approach of talking to him about your father, in a physical comparison...really is kind of an intimate psychological space, though you CLEARLY didn't intend it to be taken that way.

In fact, it made perfect internal sense when you said it. YOU meant Back Off, Bud. His disturbed, boundary-bashing brain saw something different -- an opening.

Just in case in hindsight, it might help you see a vulnerability to males that isn't physical. But might open you to more of that kind of risk?

I'm so glad you've contained the situation.

Hops
« Last Edit: May 16, 2018, 12:21:34 PM by Hopalong »
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

lighter

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Re: This and That
« Reply #201 on: May 16, 2018, 12:53:28 PM »
Hops:

Contractor was around when my father died.....very angry funeral took me away. 

The fact is....he does look like my father, so was easy excuse to shut down his irrational romantic advances.  Everything made him angry, bc I never let him in...never gave him what he was fixated on....ever.  He admitted he knew my response to his confessed.... whatever it is.  Feels like fixated abusive stalker love. 

Telling him I could never be attracted to him bc of who and what he is seemed....less safe.  He was clearly herding me with trauma bonding behavior.... I wasn't going there, though I found it possible to control my face and posture while we were working and accomplishing tasks.

Once he admitted love, he was crazy all over the board emotionally....more than normal bc escalated and more frequent....not working....trying to force discussions with close contact.  He also threw fits when I worked, and especially when I made efforts to enlist other workers.  He'd say he just wanted privacy over the weekend...to not be bothered by other workers.... he'd pout and act crushed if I ignored him and esp after brandished the knife, asked my huge bouncer renter to work at the property.  There was stomping and huffing and pointed questions...."How do you think that makes me feel?". As always, I told him I wasn't responsible for his feelings, and had limited time to finish this mission.  That lead to a discussion with him following me about while I worked..... I moved away from him on to the beach, and then he wanted another conversation indoors...in private where I told him I would never agree to any demands where terrorist threats were employed.... I wasn't cool with his threatening me with knife, held over his head, while screaming "put you hand down, put your hand down!" He wanted me to feel his pain, bc I constantly failed to show him I cared, which was exactly the point. 

He agreed it wasn't cool to do that, but professed it wasn't meant to be threatening. Ummmm....it was threatening, and then he came up with the hourly exchange if compliments, which was about the time I knew he had to go.  I'd hidden the machete, bc threatening to harm people with a butchers knife means all sharps in the house go away.

I went to do laundry ALONE, and I believe he felt it would hurt my feelings back if he went to the casino to "look at things up asses",
::Shiver::.
Truly.....an unaware pig, but I held my tongue, except when he sat staring at the bathroom door, saying things like...."You're sure taking a long time in there.". I thought he should know that hovering, sitting, staring at bathroom doors while ladies were in the bathroom was something he should cease and desist immediately, all ladies, esp those he might find to date in the future. 

Again.... he's taking up my head space.  I'm gaggy....again.  Lots if his rage was at my refusing to give him information, get personal, or "trust him", which he talked about endlessly....tooting his trustworthy horn while crashing over stated boundaries, whining for sympathy, creating chaos and seeking comfort for the things he did to others....an unstable bully wishing to dominate and control.  No wiff of that behavior around my bouncer renter, however, who's puzzled over the entire situation.

Renter did see unstable crazy cackling, throwing tools, and threats to find me back home, so I don't know how he can say.....
Ack.  Down the rabbit hole again.  I was in a double bind, and the situation had to end.  I hate being threatened by a bully, but I hate being controlled more, so here we are.

One of his latest threats ends with his saying I can't do anything to him but "kill him.". He's fixated on violence....asked me to stab him to death to end his pain, asked to go outside and fight after I rejected him as gently as could be managed, and texted "we could work this out... I could stab or punch him.... let's just talk". 

Crazy much?  I'm not the reason he's crazy.  He's fixated on me, and that's a him thing.  I don't wear a stitch of makeup, dress like a wilderness guide, and long quit sucking it in to save my back.  I used my mommy voice on him, and maybe that's the attraction?  Some screwed up mommy fixation, and for that I might be guilty....reminding him of an overwhelmed mother, with little time for him and his needs seems to be his thing. 

He's the 4 yo acting out to get mommy's attention, and I am not exaggerating a bit.

Amber, I have 4 or 5 people calling and checking on me.  I have my renter working with me, or supposed to, and two other workers coming and going.  I feel like renter will hear if contractor comes back.  I'm hyper alert, to say the least.

Also ridding place of his energy every way I can.  I painted over his blood stains on my hat, burned the few remaining dirty clothes, and have hung my girl's baby shies, and sarongs around the house to promote good juju.  I felt underwater when he was here.  I feel free now he's gone.

Tupp...
I very instructed crazy that he's to go through the Trustees to get final payment....stop contacting me.  I'm hoping he wants to get paid more than he wants to mess with me.  Now he's threatening to sue for his hernia surgery and finger injury....good luck filing in Nassau.  I'm going to call my mortgage gal at the bank, she's the one who referred him, and see if she has some way to shut him down. 

I'd say she has a rather large obligation to at least help.

Lighter
PS. Sorry fir the rant, Hops



Hopalong

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Re: This and That
« Reply #202 on: May 16, 2018, 02:26:15 PM »
Yuuuggggghhh.

NO apology needed and that was an RRR (Really Righteous Rant).

I cannot imagine what this felt like, except it makes my skin crawl vicariously, and I'm so sorry.

You might be right that various tone-experiments from a female triggered his entitled creepy aggression.
Or not being fully able to shut down your facial reactions or body language....

Who the hell could?

I am so so so glad he's out of there and that you soon will be.
It's just unacceptable for you to not be able to be in peace on your own property.

It will return. You're as smart as you are courageous, and you won't take risks like that again
with anyone whose vibes are unsound. No matter who recommends them.

You have good spidey sense and it's saving you.

love,
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

sKePTiKal

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Re: This and That
« Reply #203 on: May 16, 2018, 02:37:09 PM »
There's no way you could've known that someone who was recommended to you, would be like this Lighter. You set boundaries and enforced them - and he continued to break them; escalating his own entitlement to do so. Yeah, the person who recommended him needs to hear the story.

Hopefully, this is the END of it now... except for getting it out of your head. Ranting expedites that sometimes, so rant away.

You couldn't possibly see this coming and know he would flip out like this.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

Hopalong

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Re: This and That
« Reply #204 on: May 16, 2018, 02:49:46 PM »
I agree with Amber, and am sorry I implied otherwise.
It's NEVER a woman's fault when a man behaves threateningly.
Nothing, ever, justifies that.

Creeps me out that there's a family connection but I'm glad
he's two towns away.

May he stay there and may all the support you need IRL
manifest in every way.

I hate the thought of you feeling ... that.

But I have confidence in you, Light.

xo
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Twoapenny

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Re: This and That
« Reply #205 on: May 16, 2018, 10:45:46 PM »
He sounds like he needs serious psychiatric help, Lighter, I'm horrified for you and yes, this mortgage person needs to make sure she never refers this man to anyone again, my days, I can hardly take in what I'm reading.  He sounds absolutely horrifying.  I'm glad to read there are other people around for some of the time, jeeze, I can't believe this has happened after everything else you've been through, I'm so sorry xx xx xx

lighter

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Re: This and That
« Reply #206 on: May 17, 2018, 07:46:24 AM »
Tupp:
I'm not sure if he's crazy, or crazy like a fox in that he can control himself around certain people, and much of his crazy could be for manipulation and effect.

This morning he's texting me with a level head, asking for $10 more an hour, which frankly, if you aren't calculating the emotional cost to those around him.... he's worth.

Paying him wouldn't be a problem if he'd get paid.id and go away without endless rounds of insane demands, name calling...more criticism, and threats.....runs around telling everyone I'm the one doing everything he's done.  I'm the liar.  I'm untrustworthy.

::Shaking head::. :shock:

Actually.....
So predictable.

Anyway, he must have kept somebody up all night spiraling through his normal cycles, then ended up talked out of his tree at 4:30am when he sent a rational text.

Last night he was threatening to have "everyone" who worked on the house write and send a letter to the "Bohemian" government.

I'm sure they weren't keen on it as they were treated with kindness, and paid cash on time with many texts to back the facts up, plus the letter he wants to write will get them in trouble.

OK, so he really wants contact with me.  I sent him pic of his handwritten hours, as requested, and told texted him to send his calculations to the trustee.

He received a response for sane conduct.  I never respond to his spinning.

I refuse to hope he'll remain sane, get paid....oh...now I see.  He just wanted his recorded hours for his letter to the Bohemian.   Silly wabbit....
Tricks are for kids.

They extended hope, you want to believe it, then they shove that hope right down your unprotected throat. 

It's an amazing tactic.


Lighter
 

sKePTiKal

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Re: This and That
« Reply #207 on: May 17, 2018, 08:34:15 AM »
I think perhaps I would've sent the handwritten hours to the trustee - and let them pursue payment with him. Absolutely no contact with him for you. You need the intermediary, in this case, as a witness to events -- and to keep yourself unpolluted with his crap.

Yes, rationality can be feigned... but it's ulterior motive is as bait to hook you into the back & forth again. Probably even gives him hope that you've "cooled off"... and are coming around to his way of wanting things - in his fantasy-land version of events. I've played that game, far too long.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

Hopalong

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Re: This and That
« Reply #208 on: May 17, 2018, 04:16:18 PM »
Yes yes yes, to no no NO contact.

He will manipulate beyond belief as long as there is a shred of communication.

Negative attention is still attention. That's his craving.

Worryworry,

Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

lighter

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Re: This and That
« Reply #209 on: May 17, 2018, 04:51:00 PM »
Hops, I was thinking about how this happened to me.  Again.  I made an ivert bargain with men, not one man.....they got an hourly fee to get house in shape, then went for free with understanding they'd do little jobs here and there each trip.

That deal already exists in their circle.... it's a proven winner.

So, bartering was a good idea, at least with 2 if the guys.  The unstable one just couldn't remain level, which is a shame.  We both stood to gain things and improve our lives.

I can't have this place in shape without skilled people spending time here. 

Contractor started to believe he was so important....he could do anything and we'd put up with it.  He was wrong, and I regret letting him get away with the first transgression.  Even though we had plenty of talks about what I was done doing, or allowing.  He has some default self destructive button he has to push.

As I think about it....he may realize he pushed it....feel driven to push it.  It seems compulsive, rather than pathological.

And, yes.... I have to go zero contact with him.  I must.

Lighter