Author Topic: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)  (Read 18848 times)

Twoapenny

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2621
Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #870 on: August 07, 2018, 05:28:04 AM »
YES, it's going to be all right!

Just to remind you....

Quote
that seems to be more pronounced when tired or trying to juggle too many things at once.

You are so so SO normal. This is such a natural feeling.

I'm so glad you are insightful and conscious and always, always willing to think through your own reactions.

You awe me, Tupp!

Hugs
Hops

Thanks, Hops :)  You all awe me!  Everyone on this board is insightful, compassionate, so knowledgeable about so much of this invisible stuff that so many people struggle with and often can't even put into words.  You make me smile every day :)

Twoapenny

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2621
Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #871 on: August 07, 2018, 05:39:23 AM »
Oh, Tupp..... I scan things and have chemical dumps still....just like you explained.  Then go back, and realize the letter says something else.

I still put things off....in guarding mode, then things pile up, and add more stress.  Am working on handling better.  Muddling through change....trying to stay open and curious.  It frustrates me when past and people still control my present.  I want it gone.  Maybe wanting it so badly makes it harder, but I have to be mindful to move through, so striking balance comes and goes.  I see saw back and forth, and know things evening out.  Trusting as do what I can, and remain curious.

Yesterday I found myself laughing in the yard over a question I asked....
"Did Poppy walk, or take Gaga's truck?"
So funny to me.  And Pig lives in my guest house.  Everyone e has nickname here.  Things get confusing, and some of the island ladies don't like any nicknames at all.  Very neat, organized women.  No nonsense.  I think they intimidate everyone.  Certainly do me.

So, we feel better when our brains calm down.  I'm concerned about your adrenal system too.  I hope you manage some sort if self care schedule....meditate daily. 

I go North at 7am so need to get back to sleep for two more hours.

I am so far over my head😎. Reaching for the waves, knowing I'll pop back up to the surface eventually.  Stomach flipping madness, running this job.  Roller coaster ride.

Light

I hope the roller coaster settles down for you, Lighter, you have so many things to juggle at once and it's hard work.  I hope it's all starting to come together xx

I think my adrenal system is shot to bits, to be honest - decades of stress now, often controlled or managed through drink, drugs, caffeine, sugar.  But things feel more settled today.  The to do list is more manageable.  I've booked cinema tickets again for late afternoon - it's a nice break and we get home at bath and bed time which I like.  The house is feeling nice - more to do but it isn't pressing so we're getting there.  Yes, the seesawing back and forth.  I'm trying to do similar to you, just to notice it's there and let it be what it is but sometimes it's so strong - equally I'm trying not to give myself a hard time when it takes over and everything inside me runs riot.  If I compare myself and my situation now to ten years ago there's been a world of improvement.  So maybe ten years on from here again - that feels like it would be a nice place to be :)

I think I scan the letters to assess a threat - quick run through it to see if I need to get my battle gear on.  And yes, like you, sometimes I misread things and it's often something quite subtle.  The letter yesterday mentioned the college expecting excellent attendance.  Now this is something I've battled with people about - my son has health problems and I can and do take a duvet day to prevent him getting too tired, not just to give him time to recover.  Eminently sensible, in my opinion, but the schools and colleges have attendance targets and special needs kids skew them because they take time off.  So I immediately saw red and my mind just ran away with me; in a matter of seconds I was in court losing my temper with a judge and having my son removed from my care.  But when I read it again it actually says you need to call to register them not coming in otherwise they're marked as absent - basically if you notify them it doesn't affect their attendance record anyway - the college's way of acknowledging special needs kids take more time off and it's okay.  So I need to read more carefully - read more, react less.

I love nicknames!  More fun that real names, I think, they usually tell you something about personality or likes/dislikes (assuming it's a kind nickname, of course, not a bullying one :) ).  Sounds like the makings of a children's story book with Pig, Poppy and GaGa :) lol :)  I hope you got some sleep xx

lighter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 6024
Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #872 on: August 07, 2018, 09:21:54 AM »
I did sleep some, Tupp.  Then workers, the one's who've been early 2 days in a row, we're late, so the electrician, waiting for us with a ride on the North island and typically 5 hours late, had to wait half hour.

I went back S with one worker, realized I needed ATM on other side so rode boat back, put order in for fresh baked bread with usual taxi driver, and now wait to see truck with my order of cement, moulding and drip edge/shingles go by.  The Poppy in charge of it, and he's....there it goes!

Must call taxi.

Journey continues.  Glad the attendance letter was positive and stress relieving.

The journey continues.

Light

Twoapenny

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2621
Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #873 on: August 08, 2018, 03:27:20 PM »
I did sleep some, Tupp.  Then workers, the one's who've been early 2 days in a row, we're late, so the electrician, waiting for us with a ride on the North island and typically 5 hours late, had to wait half hour.

I went back S with one worker, realized I needed ATM on other side so rode boat back, put order in for fresh baked bread with usual taxi driver, and now wait to see truck with my order of cement, moulding and drip edge/shingles go by.  The Poppy in charge of it, and he's....there it goes!

Must call taxi.

Journey continues.  Glad the attendance letter was positive and stress relieving.

The journey continues.

Light

I'm glad you got some sleep, Lighter.  The logistics of what you are doing sound mind blowing.  Just all the people involved and the organising that's going on - not to mention remembering everyone's nicknames :)  I hope things go smoothly now (or as much as they can with a project like this!).

In other news - my heart is singing with joy :)  My son went to his transition day at college today - second one he's been to now.  When I picked him up he was positively beaming.  He ran through a long list of stuff they did today, described all the things he'd talked to people about, explained one activity they did where they had to pick a word for each letter of the alphabet (bear in mind these kids all have learning disabilities and speech and language problems).  He was going through the list of words he'd written down and when they got to 'P' he'd suggested 'parody' - not bad for a kid with the mental age of a seven year old who's never been to school and whose mum has had nine referrals now for neglect and abuse (and he knows what a parody is because he makes little Lego films that parody certain situations or events that he finds funny).

If that weren't enough - I asked him if he wanted to walk back to town or catch the bus.  He will usually avoid walking if at all possible but he said he wanted to walk.  So we walked down the hill, across by the railway station and past the cycle trail that runs along the river.  I'd walked the whole trail while he was at college and it's flat and level the whole way so it's wheelchair friendly.  I suggested that one day we head down there with the wheelchair, walk as far as he can manage and then he can go in the chair and we'll catch the bus back.  I expected him to say no - but he said yep, great idea, mum :)  I'd been to the library and sorted out our library cards and had thought we'd go later in the week because he usually wants to go straight home after an activity or any sort - but he wanted to go and get some books so we walked to the library and he picked out two graphic novels and a kids' film book, which he then sat reading at the bus stop.  I was just so proud and so happy.  He's thriving already, the changes in him are really showing and it's great.

It's my 45th birthday tomorrow.  Probably half way through my life now.  I've been thinking a lot about how I want the second half of my life to be, ideally.  The first half has been all about pleasing other people, worrying about other people's feelings, sacrificing myself to make life easier for others.  So I want the second half to be about self care.  Doing yoga instead of doing paperwork.  Sitting by the river instead of sitting by the TV.  Taking the time to make healthy meals instead of grabbing bits of toast while I race around doing other things.  I really want to look after Tup now.  I think it's long overdue.  They will be hard habits to break but I really want to try and make myself feel as good as I possibly can.  And thank you, all of you, for your endless support, it really means so much to me xx

lighter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 6024
Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #874 on: August 09, 2018, 07:44:56 AM »
An amazing day, Tupp!

Soaring heart, thriving son, and refections on your life, and your choices going forward.  I'm so happy for you, and son.  So very happy to start my day with your post.

You inspire me.  Post more on turning away from people pleasing journey, and choosing self care.

Oh....want to share funny comedian on this topic.  Look up John Mulaney Delta Airlines.  My youngest DD and I laughed and laughed....DD puzzled when I couldn't stop laughing.....
resonated so powerfully for me.  He also talks about a doc visit, very funny also.

Anyhoo....enjoy, and keep choosing you, ((Tupp.))

Lighter






Hopalong

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 11013
Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #875 on: August 09, 2018, 08:22:39 AM »
HAPPY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SEASIDE TUPP!
Here's to you and a peaceful, cozy day of being glad to be alive!

We sure are glad you are.

Big hugs,
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Twoapenny

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2621
Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #876 on: August 10, 2018, 08:30:04 AM »
Thank you both :)  I had such a nice day, I can't tell you :)  I did some yoga, put some meditation music on, opened cards and presents, had breakfast.  Text messages were coming through with birthday wishes and messages on Facebook.  It was lovely.  We caught the bus to the beach, met a friend who had baked me a cake :)  We had some lunch, went to the arcade (son is obsessed with 2p slot machines now and stashes his winnings in his crab bucket :) ), met with friend's relatives and drank tea and chatted.  Lots of laughing and talking about nothing in particular.  Then we went for a walk; you can walk out along the coast and look back to see a curve of probably about thirty miles of coastline, all of it stunning and waiting to be explored.  It was so nice.  We caught the bus home and just enjoyed a quiet evening - the phone rang but I didn't pick it up because I'd really enjoyed the day and I just wanted to sit with that for a while it was lovely.

On the theme of selfcare - I realised yesterday that I've spend almost all of my life not being happy with the way that I feel - wishing I were more confident, more intelligent, more attractive, less anxious, felt happier, more excited and so on.  So what I want to focus on know is concentrating on what I do, not how I feel - doing yoga, meditating, feeding myself healthy food, drinking enough water, spending time with people I love and spending time doing things I enjoy, reading, watching films, cleaning the house.  I want to get to the end of the day and think yep, I put myself first enough today, instead of falling into bed exhausted with a to do list still whirring in my head.  It will be a hard habit to break, I think.  I'm used to wishing things were different and thinking/promising myself that if I get x, y or z I'll suddenly feel happy.  But I don't think I will.  I think something deep inside me has been ignored for a long time so I think it's time to dive in a bit, focus on myself - not with a view to improving myself but just to put myself first, regardless of whatever else is going on.  I will keep posting and let you know how it goes! Lighter, I will look up the comedy you mention xx

lighter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 6024
Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #877 on: August 10, 2018, 11:04:27 AM »
Hear!  Hear!

Up with Self Care, and John Mulaney!

Go get'em, Tupp😎

Light

sKePTiKal

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3740
Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #878 on: August 10, 2018, 11:27:01 AM »
IMO, that is a wise plan Tupp. I also have the habit of "conditional thinking" - it's kinda like delayed gratification to an unhealthy extreme. I'm better than I used to be; but I think I've picked up Mike's habit of procrastinating and letting the to-do's pile up till they overwhelm me to the point of just. not. caring. all. that. much. (The other extreme - LOL.)

What wonderful timing that your birthday fell shortly after landing in a nurturing new environment! That's a recipe for motivation and energy to let the defenses down and just plain old LIVE today. I just feel this is going to be a great change for you and son.

The new flooring project downstairs means I'm finishing up the new windows and doors (with Holly's help). Looking at and choosing new furniture. New washer/dryer. And purging yet again, more stuff that just takes up visual and physical space. Found a good home for Mike's Sony Mini-Disc player - it's a dinosaur but will keep on recording/playing back through an apocalypse. One of Holly's good, old friends was surprised and delighted that we thought of him as the new keeper.

There have been some more sad, angry nights of processing around here... but they are balanced with a lot of physical work on Hol's part - burning off that energy. I'm still not putting limits on this for her, and maybe won't ever. I'm just here as a witness and guardian of her safety. A friend to share it all with... who does validate her opinion, ask pondering questions, and let's her direct the conversation. There is a lot of "past lives" processing going on right now; fitting this new change into everything else. All of the crap with her sister that we've lived through - her, more than me - is still a very tough "nut" for her, but she's doing a much better job of separating herself and protecting herself than ever. And her Dad and step-mom will be moving shortly the next county over. He still doesn't know about the break-up; they don't communicate with each other very often. Hol plans to stop on the return leg of her cross-country adventure and see her older step-sister which will be good. We are LAUGHING a lot more this week so I have a feeling her trip will be more forward looking than past-longing/rehashing.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

Twoapenny

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2621
Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #879 on: August 11, 2018, 06:04:27 AM »
I think it's good to purge, Skep, it helps keep everything flowing and moving along.  Easy to stagnate and become stuck, I think.  I'm glad you're able to be there for Holly without needing to cope with things on her behalf - a difficult line to tread.  Especially when you're always so busy :)

Thank you for encouragement, Lighter :)  John Mulaney is now on my 'to watch' list :)

I have noticed that my angry head voices and need to batter and argue with professionals (which largely goes on in my mind) calm down a lot when I do yoga sequences that particularly focus on releasing tension in the neck and shoulders.  Why I haven't noticed this before I don't know but I could feel the difference this morning so I want to make sure I work that into my daily routine.

I didn't do too much yesterday and didn't give myself a hard time about it, either.  I felt tired and a bit hungover from the birthday booze so I just had a fairly easy day.  I took my son to a new osteopath who was great and who knew our previous osteopath (small world!).  He was visibly relaxed afterwards and has only just got up from a mammoth sleep - must have been a good nine hours which for him is unheard of.  Very happy with that.  I did focus on what I did and tried not to focus on how I felt (other than being aware I felt tired!).  But I ate good meals, we had a little wander around town looking for the new osteopathy clinic, we grabbed a coffee in a coffee shop we haven't been in yet (I want to make it my mission to try every place in the town, there are so many!).  I remembered our reuseable cups, had a nice conversation with the osteopath - tried to focus on finding out more about her rather than worrying about what she thought of me or son.  Watched some TV with son in the evening and just had a bath and an early night.  Have done yoga this morning; a cat keeps coming in to our garden and trying to get in the house.  Very sweet, has a collar on and seems well cared for but I'm a little worried she may be lost as her persistence was unusual! So may ask around a bit later and see if anyone knows if she belongs somewhere.  Will go out to shop for groceries later and then plan to clean and work on the house.  Might go out for a walk later on; the weather isn't great at the moment and son isn't keen on walking in rain so we'll see what happens.  But yes, focusing on doing rather than feeling and that feels okay!  Lol xx

Hopalong

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 11013
Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #880 on: August 11, 2018, 09:15:55 AM »
Hi Tupp,

Maybe cat:

1) wonders why you're in her house
2) sussed you out as cat lovers and REALLY would like a family

??
Is she sweet?

I know, I'm a troublemaker.

 :D
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Twoapenny

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2621
Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #881 on: August 11, 2018, 11:10:21 AM »
Hi Tupp,

Maybe cat:

1) wonders why you're in her house
2) sussed you out as cat lovers and REALLY would like a family

??
Is she sweet?

I know, I'm a troublemaker.

 :D
Hops

Very sweet, Hops, very friendly, pure white, one blue eye, one yellow. Was all over me when I went into the garden and tried very hard to get inside the house and then spent half an hour miaowing on the door mat when I shut the door :(  We can't have another cat, whatever the circumstances but the weather is horrible today so I hope she's got somewhere nice and warm to sit :(  I'll ask around a bit to see if anyone knows who she belongs to and if I can't find out and she keeps turning up I'll ring Cat Protection ad see if they can come and fetch her.  Hopefully she's tucked up somewhere cosy and just likes to visit other people.  The cat in the next door flat where we lived before was very well cared for and much loved but visited every flat, went inside if he could and ate anything anyone offered him lol.

lighter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 6024
Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #882 on: August 12, 2018, 07:19:41 AM »
Hi Tupp:

You found, and remembered your reusable cups.  That's a pretty good indicator you have settled in.  I have a hard time remembering my reusable shopping bags on a regular day. 

Your entire day sounded productive.  Not in the go get'em, way, but paying attention to self care...to remaining mindful of how you swim through your days.  Old patterns of thought and behavior are on the table.  Big change requires continued attention.  Time to trade up, and you seem to be doing a magnificent job of it. 

Once a fancy looking Kitty visited me at the first house I renovated.  I followed her through the house.  Her meowing, and looking at me every once in a while as we went.  I thought she was very familiar with the place, very calm....had an agenda.  It was odd, bc she left as calmly as she arrived, and I never saw her again.  Made my heart lurch, bc she couldn't have lived there as a cat, ever. 

I hope your visiting kitty is safe, and well cared for nearby.  Visits from happy kitties are nice: )

Light






Twoapenny

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2621
Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #883 on: August 13, 2018, 04:38:35 AM »
Hi Tupp:

You found, and remembered your reusable cups.  That's a pretty good indicator you have settled in.  I have a hard time remembering my reusable shopping bags on a regular day. 

Your entire day sounded productive.  Not in the go get'em, way, but paying attention to self care...to remaining mindful of how you swim through your days.  Old patterns of thought and behavior are on the table.  Big change requires continued attention.  Time to trade up, and you seem to be doing a magnificent job of it. 

Once a fancy looking Kitty visited me at the first house I renovated.  I followed her through the house.  Her meowing, and looking at me every once in a while as we went.  I thought she was very familiar with the place, very calm....had an agenda.  It was odd, bc she left as calmly as she arrived, and I never saw her again.  Made my heart lurch, bc she couldn't have lived there as a cat, ever. 

I hope your visiting kitty is safe, and well cared for nearby.  Visits from happy kitties are nice: )

Light

Lighter, I love our reuseable cups and I'm delighted that they are becoming the norm over here now!  The cafe we went to on Friday only does take outs in reuseable cups, you either take your own or buy one of theirs.  Refreshing to see.  We have Star Wars ones, I have a Wookie and son has R2 D2 :)  Kitty hasn't been back since; I did check the local lost cats website and there's no mention of a cute white one.  She didn't look as if she'd been living out for any length of time so she may well just be an ultra friendly cat who will cosy up in any house she can gain access to.  I will keep an eye out for her, though, just in case.  There is a big bear of a cat living out the back of us who attacked our little Tiger!  There was a huge kerfuffle in the back garden and our kitty shot in through the back door with scary cat in hot pursuit.  I told him off - there's really nothing you can do about cats fighting but I hope he doesn't pounce on her every time she goes out.  Your visitor sounds cute :)  It's funny how sometimes they just turn up.  Friends of ours had a cat on their road that visited numerous houses along the street; he genuinely seemed to know people's routines as he'd alternate where he went depending on the day of the week and time of day.  Very funny cat, everyone called him 'The Don' :)  Lol

I've had an odd weekend.  Have felt very unwell, very tired and achy, headache, all very unpleasant.  Haven't done much and haven't felt like doing much  Woke up early hours of this morning with a very deep sense of foreboding and no clear idea why.  There does seem to be a pattern with me that when I decide I'm going to start focusing on myself a lot of dark, unexplainable stuff starts to happen and it's what usually propels me into another crisis or another busy phase or just scares me and stops me delving any deeper.  But I am going to stick with it and ride it out this time - try to stay in the moment, try to notice what I feel and just let it be what it is.  I will report back on how it goes :)  Hope this week is a smooth one at Beach Cottage :) xx

sKePTiKal

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3740
Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #884 on: August 13, 2018, 08:11:26 AM »
Hmmmm. Closest thing I know to those bad feelings, is what I was calling the "emotional whiplash" effect in the throes of preparing to move, Tupps. Required me to sort through Mike's stuff and purge like a maniac because he had literally so much of it.

Almost as if the guilt-reflex had moved to the subconscious... and every time I did something positive JUST for me, to further my path and make ME feel better about getting there... Ka-WHAM... I had the same doom & gloom settle in on me. Was it pre-emptive punishment? Was it purely guilt for doing what I needed to, to take care of myself? Was it the reality of "he's not coming back" setting in?

I still don't know. But it's like I'm so thoroughly convinced that it's taboo and against the laws of the universe for me to be "happy" for more than a passing moment... that I've now internalized all the abuse I received so often out of jealousy, envy, spite, or Nism... that I do it to myself because I expect it.

Over the years, I've managed to get a firm hold on the reins of that runaway horse. Sometimes I get blindsided by it; sometimes I notice it and manage it; sometimes I tell it to F off and ignore it. I really want to get to the point where as soon as I recognize it - I just ignore it. Streamlines & simplifies the whole process ya know?
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.