Author Topic: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)  (Read 23440 times)

Hopalong

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #825 on: July 12, 2018, 09:46:05 AM »
I'll see your kitty-trip and raise you one canary.

An 8-hour drive, the last 3 of which were on a very very bumpy stretch of highway that hadn't been mended in god knows how long, with enormous trucks outnumbering cars.

Driving a wee compact. Did I mention kitty was half Siamese? Oh yes. So her rhythmic, nonstop yowling had that special carrying dissonance designed to bring the mother cat leaping across the savannah to her urgent rescue. One could call it even musical except that after the first two hours, it became the feline equivalent of fingernails on a blackboard, but louder.

And Birdie. Really a very good-hearted and likable canary, not one for complaining, usually singing his heart out in a sunny window (this was many years back before my epiphany about never having a caged bird). So Birdie decides to accompany the kitty. Maybe he was helpfully thinking that her aria would do better with a little percussion. And Birdie threw his heart into his work, he was a mensch.

So for eight hours on crap highways it kind of went like:
ROARSWOOSH -- trucks, repetez....zoomshwoosh, rattling wee car
YOWWWWLLLL -- kitty, stopping only to draw breaths, kept it up the whole way
ALARMPEEP ALARMSQUAWK -- Birdie, desperately clutching bouncing perch

It was a symphony of stress but even in the moment, it was funny.

I felt both exhausted and powerful when we staggered in the door.

xxoo
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Twoapenny

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #826 on: July 12, 2018, 12:46:36 PM »
Hops, your journey sounds like something out of a cartoon!  Lol.  Kitty is currently curled up on the sofa next to me fast asleep :)  Son is going to sit in the back with her on the journey down; he's very good at calming her and will chat to her all the way there.

Do feel tired today.  Tutor has been coming out at home every day and I have found it difficult.  Her time keeping is lax and I find it disruptive.  My days run more smoothly when no-one else is in them, quite frankly, so I have found the whole 'tuition at home' thing difficult.  I found myself feeling irritated.  At the end of the session she said she thought my son seemed very anxious.  He's actually coping very well at the minute (if she thinks this is anxious she ain't seen nothing yet!)  She doesn't really seem to be doing anything with him that he can't already do.  I've not said anything as I knew we weren't going to be around for long and because I've had so much else going on with the move/court case and so on I didn't want another hassle to deal with.  Son's enjoying her coming out and I'm not paying for it as she's provided by the Local Authority but I felt annoyed this morning and have to say I'll be glad to say goodbye tomorrow.

On the theme of inept communicators (as I've been singing the praises of the new college), the local authority team who will be responsible for dealing with son's funding now have emailed me today to ask me for the email addresses of the team who we are moving away from as they want to contact them.  This is three weeks after I contacted everyone involved, explained what was what, when we were moving and so on.  Not exactly moving at a lightening pace here when you consider we could be looking at going to court again eight weeks from now.  Sheesh.  Anyway.  Time for some food and to get on with some more packing.  Sorry for moaning.  Should probably try and do some yoga :)

Twoapenny

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #827 on: July 13, 2018, 03:30:59 AM »
I've answered my own riddle :)  I felt very annoyed with the tutor yesterday and woke up this morning with thoughts of annoyance running through my head.  I've been trying to work out why I've felt so irritated, beyond just being tired at the moment.  I've just realised what it is; I think when she brought up my son's anxiety yesterday she was deflecting.  She was very late yesterday morning.  It does annoy me when people are late; I have to put in extra work to accommodate other people coming to the house, for whatever reason, to make sure it doesn't bother my son too much.  She's often late, as I mentioned, and yesterday was very late.  At the end of the session, she commented on my son being anxious and about him being bothered about me packing his room up.  I think she was redirecting the attention from her being late to my son, who isn't particularly anxious at the moment.  He is tired, and I expect that to get worse over the next couple of weeks as we both adjust to our new place but he isn't particularly anxious.  It's been bothering me as if felt out of place and I feel now that's why.  It feels like a bit of a reassertion of authority in some way.  It felt at the time like a needless statement to make (he's my son; she'd only spent about forty five minutes with him that morning so why would she have noticed something I hadn't?).  And it also felt like stating the obvious; if he were anxious about his room being packed up what would be done about that?  It needs to be packed so how would you pack it without packing it?  These are the kinds of nonsense comments that irritate me, because there's just no point to them.  I think it was more about her than it was about him (or me) and I think that's why it bugged me so much.  And I'm tired :)  Lol

Some good news, though!  My son's application to transfer from child disability benefits to adult ones has been accepted and he's been awarded the highest rate possible :)  Apart from it meaning we get a bit of extra money each month it's something that can be used as proof of his disability so the next time someone questions whether or not he's disabled I can wave that under their noses :)  I will feel more chuffed about that when I've had some sleep, I think :) xx

sKePTiKal

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #828 on: July 13, 2018, 07:42:19 AM »
See Tupps? You surfed that tutor right well. Best of luck to you both on the journey! May it be sunny and joyful... and funny.

Maybe not AS funny as Hops' endurance trip with kitty & canary tho'. LOL. I'm still giggling about that Hops. That's all a person can do to get through those times.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

Hopalong

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #829 on: July 13, 2018, 12:38:02 PM »
Fire up yer Netflix and watch John Mulaney: Kid Gorgeous at Radio City.

My favorite parts are from 45 minutes forward, if you're pressed for time.

IT WILL MAKE YOU VERY HAPPY. OR HAPPIER.

love lots,
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

lighter

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #830 on: July 14, 2018, 10:51:31 AM »
Radio City, and Cake Wrecks....
you can watch CW by categories. 

Hops.... we used to have a Siamese Cat.  His name was Tabu, and he was SO cool.  He did talk, he was our first cat, as children, and he snuggled sad people, as necessary.  A very nice cat, AND he used the toilet w/o training. 

Tupp.. I think you're exactly right about the the tutor.  Esp if she was chattering like a monkey when she mentioned son's "anxiety."  I hope figuring it out helps you put it down.  You're leaving her behind.  Hundreds of miles.  Your son enjoyed his time with her.  It's done. 

About the new authority handling son's funding... and the tutor for that matter.... document, as always.  That's the drill, and you're brilliant at it. 

One more tiny comment about the 3 week time span.....
maaaaybe there's wonderful human being involved at this organization who'll be caught off guard by the delay.  MAYBE this person will feel some righteous anger over it, bite off someone's head, then DO THE JOB with purpose, and incredible speed?  It could happen.  I've seen things like that happen.  They happen.

Congrats on son's adult benefits kicking in.  It sounds like having that paperwork done is a huge relief, and help.  Well done.  You did that.   You'll handle the college thing, and perhaps there's someone AT the college with some advice about handling the Authority regarding funding?

Not sure, but I'm sending energy, and curiosity for your trip to the the shore.  Home.  Phamily.  Phellowship.  ((Tup and son's new life.))

::nodding::.

I'm with you in spirit. 

Yes: )

Lighter








Hopalong

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #831 on: July 14, 2018, 12:07:43 PM »
Tupp, I am SO happy to hear this, or both of these!

Quote
My son's application to transfer from child disability benefits to adult ones has been accepted and he's been awarded the highest rate possible :)  Apart from it meaning we get a bit of extra money each month it's something that can be used as proof of his disability so the next time someone questions whether or not he's disabled I can wave that under their noses :)

I can and do imagine what a bit of extra income means to you. I always have in my mind how easy it is for people to forget, when they meet someone as charming, brave, and insightful as you are, how hard you may be struggling day to day, to visualize much less achieve a better life for yourself and your son. Most purchases many folks can take for granted, daily freedoms and luxuries and help, aren't factors in your life.  The contrast bothers me, always has. To a much lesser extent than you face, I have fearful calculation$ at the back of my mind. And my D has been homeless as was a close friend once.... Have you read anything by Barbara Erenreich? Anyway, I'm ranting.

I am SO happy about this news. It's truly wonderful. And I'll bet you there is no "next time," ever.

hugs
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Twoapenny

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #832 on: July 14, 2018, 03:51:55 PM »
Just popping in quickly as v tired and have a busy few days coming up so might not get online too much but just wanted to say - it's all okay :)

Have just had one of those epiphanies - you know the quiet, subtle ones rather than the great big sledgehammer ones?  I was moving boxes and I just realised - none of it matters.  If we get stuck in traffic - we'll cope.  If I don't get the whole house clean tomorrow - we'll cope.  If I'm not completely packed up by Wednesday morning, or we don't leave by lunchtime, or the traffic's awful and we don't get to the BnB until midnight - we'll cope.  I just knew, certainly, calmly, without any drama - that we'll cope.  So I have poured myself a glass of wine, put my pyjamas on and I'm settling down to watch a ludicrous action movie.  Everything is wonderful because - we'll cope.  All the stress and worry just lifted.  I wonder if one some level my inner self knows we are almost free now?  Whatever - it feels nice.

Not sure when I'll get the chance to get online again so may be a while but thank you, all of you, for your help and support.  I can't put into words how much it means to me xx xx xx

lighter

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #833 on: July 15, 2018, 01:50:10 PM »
The saying.....
"If it's not OK... it's OK," is so powerful, IME.

Expectations are limiting, and create suffering.  Things don't have to BE any particular way, though sometimes we create the belief they MUST BE, which isn't the case at all, most times. 

Acceptance of what IS, here and now, is a tremendous gift. 

Selecting curiosity, over stress, is so much better, IME.

I marvel at the shift in perspective when I choose curiosity in everything and anything I do.  If I'm feeling stress over changing the AC filter, for instance, I notice I can shift into curiosity, and feel brighter.... actually look forward to getting that off the list of things to do.  I begin with it if I can make that shift.  I'll notice how dirty, or clean, the filter appears.  I'm grateful for the piece of metal my AC guy fabricated for my unit to keep the filter from caving in, which saves me 5 minutes of painful finger gymnastics that used to feel like solving a math puzzle... uggh... I hated it. 

I think, even if I didn't have that fabricated metal fix, I could still choose how I address that chore, and stop hating it. Start feeling neutral about it, at least.  Maybe have figured out how to solve some of the issues, and felt good about it, kwim?

Thursday evening we were stuck in a major traffic jam for 3 hours... a tanker truck wrecked into 5 cars, with it's chemical load catching fire.  They shut down both lanes of that major highway and evacuated everyone within a mile radius.  It didn't ruin our moments.  We were one of the first cars to get off the highway, and proceed the wrong way down the shoulder so we could get off at the on ramp at the closest exit. 

We were worried we'd be punished by the police manning that exit ramp... lots of lights, and cones, and a policeman as we arrived.  Turned out they were ready to handle traffic, and we were just the first, which meant we beat the traffic jam on the detour route.  We were laughing! 

That 3 hour problem was actually a triumph for us.   We worried about the families with children, and the elderly after working out where we'd sleep and go to the bathroom, if trapped all  night, and we had water enough to share.  There was nothing to gain by getting angry, or feeling trapped.  It was an adventure, and we were curious how things would be resolved.  I know I couldn't have done that 5 or 10 years ago. 

Oldest dd is the one who said "GO!" when a car moved, and openings to move ourselves 2 lanes to the shoulder appeared.  Both girls are driving now, btw.  Everywhere.  It's terrifying, and amazing at the same time!  They each drove an hour on the way home the next day.  Night time highway driving, and through the mountains with fog, and rain spitting.  We were all involved in problem solving this week in the car.  They're doing great, I'm glad to report. 

So, Tupp..... this is YOUR adventure.  We don't know what it'll bring, but we know it's yours, and you choose how to greet it.

(((Tupp and son)))

As always, I'm sending strength, courage, and curiosity.  You've got this: )

Lighter


Hopalong

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #834 on: July 15, 2018, 02:02:58 PM »
Lighter,
The wisdom you offer, often, here about curiosity over fear is SO helpful to me.

And this small piece today just resonated a lot. It's small but big. In the same way Tupp had her "soft" epiphany and let go of fear. We'll cope.

Quote
I could still choose how I address that chore, and stop hating it. Start feeling neutral about it, at least.

Thank you.

Tupp, my spirits lift just thinking about you and son. It will be so good to hear how it went.
MEEEEOWWWW!   :?

Hugs
Hops

"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

lighter

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #835 on: July 15, 2018, 09:52:25 PM »
I'm glad it struck a chord, Hops.

I think a lot about the moments spent in a lifetime.   

If I choose upbeat, curious moments, rather than tense, fearful moments....
I'm choosing joy a chance for joy. 

We all deserve more  joy. 
Lighter

Twoapenny

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #836 on: July 16, 2018, 06:39:53 AM »
Ha!  Well it was lucky I have adopted a new, laid back approach to all of this because everything that could go wrong, did go wrong!  The cat vanished so we spent two hours looking for her before we could leave.  Which meant everything else we'd arranged to do that day had to be put back by two hours, which then got put back even further because we got lost and couldn't find the cattery :)  Lovely friend met us in town and took son off to the cinema (and what I love about this town is that it was almost deserted, because the weather's nice and everyone's at the beach :) ).  Went over to new house to find a big pile of debt collector bills for previous tenants.  Started cleaning - oh my days, it's dirty - and found old knickers behind the radiator :)  Yuk!  The big carpet shampoo machine that I hired here and lugged all the way down there didn't work so all the stuff I'd lugged out of the room that was going to be cleaned had to be lugged back because we won't be able to get the furniture in past it on Thursday and then it will all need to be lugged out again so I can get another carpet cleaner and get the job done.  Only got two rooms finished due to getting there so late and cleaning machine not working so only about a third of the work that needed doing.  Went over to friend's house and bought wine, chatted, had a nice shower and went to bed.  Up early again this morning, four hour drive back, took broken cleaner back to shop, took hire car back to garage.  Home now.  A mountain of tasks to get on with, exhausted, the usual flurry of people texting wanting to come over tomorrow (day before moving day!) to visit because they're desperate to see us before we go - but for some reason left it until today to organise but they've all been told no because as soon as we're packed up tomorrow I'm taking boy out to cinema and for food and then we are both having an early night :)  And do you know what - I don't care about any of it!!  Lol

New estate is nice, lots of friendly cats and kids, I love both.  Phew!  Will check back in when the next whirlwind has settled :) xx

Twoapenny

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #837 on: July 17, 2018, 10:14:30 AM »
I'm having a funny day today.  It's our last day here and I am finding myself very tearful.  I feel enormous relief that we are actually going but am also incredibly tired, my back is very sore and there is still so much to do.  Son is struggling a bit now and slept in with me last night; I can't actually remember the last time he did that so he's obviously feeling anxious.  The van is here; they weren't supposed to drop it off until tomorrow morning but they arrived an hour ago and there was nowhere to park it so I had to go knocking on doors to beg a parking space.  I am aware that I am moving away from a lot of people that at one point in my life I loved and cared for.  The realisation that they didn't/don't feel the same has weighed heavily on me today for some reason, as has the fact that of the few people I did tell we were moving, even fewer have got in touch to arrange to pop round before we go.  I do feel good that we are moving to pastures new and a new start and I know it's going to be better there than it is here, but I think just those last feelings are there and working their way out today.  I am being curious, trying not to attach anything to it - it is what it is, we are what we are, we will get done what gets done.  I had hoped to get everything finished this afternoon and take son out tonight but that is looking unlikely now.  I will just do what I can.

May be off line now for a little while so hopefully next time I log on it will be from new home and everything will feel easier :) xx

Hopalong

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #838 on: July 17, 2018, 10:37:14 AM »
((((((Tupp))))))))

Moving grief is inevitable, and so natural.
Your psyche objects to the change even when it's for a GOOD reason.
And you have to stuff all your feelings just to go into functional overdrive to get it done.
That's why moving is #2 on shrinks' list of major life stressors...second only to death of a loved one.

It makes perfect, although painful, sense that in this brief moment between actions, the feeling rose.

Trust this, it's painful but it's okay.
You are STILL going to be all right, this is STILL going to result in more happiness.
And renewed connection with old friends, and new friends too.

I'm terribly sorry those around you now have let you down.
Then again, it's one of the reasons you're leaving that place.

I'm so sorry you are feeling alone with this experience but please know, you won't be for long.

Love and comfort,
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Twoapenny

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #839 on: July 17, 2018, 11:12:07 AM »
((((((Tupp))))))))

Moving grief is inevitable, and so natural.
Your psyche objects to the change even when it's for a GOOD reason.
And you have to stuff all your feelings just to go into functional overdrive to get it done.
That's why moving is #2 on shrinks' list of major life stressors...second only to death of a loved one.

It makes perfect, although painful, sense that in this brief moment between actions, the feeling rose.

Trust this, it's painful but it's okay.
You are STILL going to be all right, this is STILL going to result in more happiness.
And renewed connection with old friends, and new friends too.

I'm terribly sorry those around you now have let you down.
Then again, it's one of the reasons you're leaving that place.

I'm so sorry you are feeling alone with this experience but please know, you won't be for long.

Love and comfort,
Hops

Thanks, Hops :)  It's all fine, I know it is all going to be much better, we are finally doing what we both want and I am looking forward to getting down there.  I think it's just a combination of being very tired, all my joints aching, my period arriving early (which was very bizarre, I've been as regular as clockwork for years but it's a week early and the cramps were awful).  There is a sense of sadness at leaving my old life behind, not because I liked it or it was good for me but it's almost like I'm saying goodbye to old Tup?  Which is a good thing, to a certain extent, but I also owe her so much.  She's got me through so many hard times and difficult phases and as much as I'm looking forward to moving on there is just a sense of sadness there.  Can't really explain it and it's all fine, I'm just going to carry on pottering through the evening and get another early night after a ridiculously hot bath.  I've abandoned the plan now, lol, I'm just bunging things in boxes and I can finish packing in the morning while the guys load up, if need be.

Thank you for the support, it really does mean a lot :) xx