Author Topic: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)  (Read 20452 times)

lighter

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #735 on: June 10, 2018, 01:54:30 PM »
Tupp:

This isn't your dream home, but it makes it possible to live 3 minutes from college son applying to, 5 minutes from town with super library and plenty of shops, 45 miles from the beach (YAY beach!), and most important....
 hours away from those who have harmed you.  That's priceless, even if the flat is run down.... you're gaining in this situation.  You're moving toward better things, and phamily.  You're distancing toxic people, and landmarks that remind you of them. 

Even if there are hiccups, it will be all right, and there are bound to be some. 

Son beginning college in Sept would be amazing.  I'm praying you get to new location, find way to bring son's scores on old game with, and maybe do an art project of the cat he'll miss, so he's dealt with the things he'd miss.

There will be bumps, but remember you're moving to higher ground.  You're getting yourself out of the blast zone, and I completely vote for doing it without telling anyone in your old life. 

Lighter


sKePTiKal

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #736 on: June 10, 2018, 03:53:33 PM »
Tupps: any port in a storm, is my take on the run-down flat. Also, going into it with a full expectation that it will be temporary gives you the ability to focus on the college app, get settled into the town and your circle of friends - and just enjoy that for a while. You won't have the added tasks with "making a home"; a permanent one.

It's a way-station. A place to go and breathe... and start working out the next steps without worrying about the big job of college for son. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

Twoapenny

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #737 on: June 12, 2018, 10:16:34 AM »
Tupp:

This isn't your dream home, but it makes it possible to live 3 minutes from college son applying to, 5 minutes from town with super library and plenty of shops, 45 miles from the beach (YAY beach!), and most important....
 hours away from those who have harmed you.  That's priceless, even if the flat is run down.... you're gaining in this situation.  You're moving toward better things, and phamily.  You're distancing toxic people, and landmarks that remind you of them. 

Even if there are hiccups, it will be all right, and there are bound to be some. 

Son beginning college in Sept would be amazing.  I'm praying you get to new location, find way to bring son's scores on old game with, and maybe do an art project of the cat he'll miss, so he's dealt with the things he'd miss.

There will be bumps, but remember you're moving to higher ground.  You're getting yourself out of the blast zone, and I completely vote for doing it without telling anyone in your old life. 

Lighter

Lighter, you're right, it's not the home itself, it's where it is that's important.  It will be the first and biggest step towards our new life :)  Ah!  I can smell the sea :)  I think it's easy to adapt to spaces.  When my son was small we lived in a bedsit for about eight months - bedroom/sitting room where one and the same, kitchen so small you could touch both walls with your arm outstretched, small bathroom off kitchen.  The only place I could sit once son had gone to bed was the toilet.  It wasn't great, but we managed.  This will be a temporary move - get down there, get son in college, have some fun!!  And then think of next step :) xx

Twoapenny

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #738 on: June 12, 2018, 10:26:26 AM »
Tupps: any port in a storm, is my take on the run-down flat. Also, going into it with a full expectation that it will be temporary gives you the ability to focus on the college app, get settled into the town and your circle of friends - and just enjoy that for a while. You won't have the added tasks with "making a home"; a permanent one.

It's a way-station. A place to go and breathe... and start working out the next steps without worrying about the big job of college for son. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

Skep, yes, a way-station is the perfect description.  Get in, sort son, enjoy, find next place :)  It seems to be progressing okay; landlord has done all checks and all back fine, just waiting on one reply and then we should be getting the thumbs up.  Paperwork mountain is huge at the moment; I'm trying to focus on getting everything in place so that it's ready to send off when we get the nod whilst keeping in mind if we don't go we will still have a big paperwork battle going on here.  Very up in the air but I'm trying to concentrate on what I can do rather than thinking about what other people will do, which I have no control over.  It kind of feels like things are moving in the right direction which is all good :) xx

lighter

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #739 on: June 12, 2018, 11:57:43 AM »
Good Lord, Tupp... just dropping this insane legal battle where you are should be a terrific relief. shouldn't it?

Does it feel like you'll be freeing your energy for things you actually want and need in your life?

I mean... if you stay... you gain a lot from going into court, bc it helps you in the next location to have that hashed out in current place?

Sorry if I don't understand everything, I sometimes get fuzzy on that kind of detail.

I'm sure doing all the work, preparing for the case, means you have everything you need at fingertip to fill out applications at new place, and get things started there?

Lighter

Twoapenny

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #740 on: June 12, 2018, 12:37:33 PM »
Good Lord, Tupp... just dropping this insane legal battle where you are should be a terrific relief. shouldn't it?

Does it feel like you'll be freeing your energy for things you actually want and need in your life?

I mean... if you stay... you gain a lot from going into court, bc it helps you in the next location to have that hashed out in current place?

Sorry if I don't understand everything, I sometimes get fuzzy on that kind of detail.

I'm sure doing all the work, preparing for the case, means you have everything you need at fingertip to fill out applications at new place, and get things started there?

Lighter

I don't understand all of it, Lighter, it's so complicated and when you have other people involved who aren't following the legislation it gets even more complicated.  Funding can't be transferred from one county to another.  If we move before the court date where we live now then the whole case gets transferred to the new area.  They have time to go through and see what they're willing to offer.  A place in the college we want should be offered - we'll be living close by, the college have already said they'll have him, they can meet his needs and so on.  There's no other provider in the area; they're a big one so that box should be ticked easily (and not need court).  The other aspect of it is provision of things like speech therapy, physio and so on.  We might still end up going to court over that in the new area but that aspect of it isn't as stressful for me - him being in college is the main thing.  Provision is reviewed annually so if we don't get everything we need straight away I can spend a year preparing for the review and make sure it's in for next time.

If we stay it's the actual placement that's the problem and that is a bigger deal for me (and son).  Some of the paperwork would be the same either way, some would be different because it's a different area and some of the problems we would have if we stay here (due to traveling long distances for provision, for example, which won't be an issue in the new area).  So I think I'm best to work on the main provision plan (which is broadly similar wherever we are), get all my evidence organised (and maybe put into two different files, one for here, one for there, so that I don't have to keep pulling bits out for different people) and just assure myself that I can handle whatever comes - and even if I don't, no-one has died so we can sort something else out and try again :)

Either way I feel good, Lighter - I've not felt like this for a long time.  Hopeful, and working towards something I want instead of something I'm being forced to deal with.  Yes, the energy to concentrate on things I want?  I kind of remember what that feels like!  I'm looking forward to being in that position again :) xx

Hopalong

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #741 on: June 12, 2018, 12:42:53 PM »
In a rush, sorry...

"the actual placement" refers to your son's placement in the new college?

But I thought you said that college placement is secure?

So it's "a problem" because....?

Sorry, I'm a little confused too..thanks for wading through it for the Amazons, Tupp!

xxoo
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Twoapenny

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #742 on: June 12, 2018, 03:15:53 PM »
In a rush, sorry...

"the actual placement" refers to your son's placement in the new college?

But I thought you said that college placement is secure?

So it's "a problem" because....?

Sorry, I'm a little confused too..thanks for wading through it for the Amazons, Tupp!

xxoo
Hops

It is confusing, Hops, so don't worry, by actual placement I mean if we stay here we essentially don't have a suitable college for him to go to and he needs to go somewhere.  The legal bit is divided into placement and provision; you can challenge one or both bits depending on what you need.  Although saying that placement won't be secure at new college until paperwork in and processed and all agreed; they could say no!   Although if they do they're legally bound to provide an alternative and there isn't another college in that area so it 'should' be okay.  There may still be things we need to work out re provision that might be problematic (it's all to do with not having the budgets to just green light everything but at the same time having a legal duty to provide everything - madness).  New college have accepted him in principle but he can't actually start until funding is in place.  It's crazy - by law you have to make sure your child receives an education and then they don't make provision so that can happen  :shock:

lighter

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #743 on: June 12, 2018, 08:09:08 PM »
More than ever I'm rooting for the move, Tupp. Just getting out and away from the energy sucking neighborhood, and people....SOso important, IME.

Also, there's no college for your son where you are.  IT won't work, even if you win.  You're struggling against the tide, and you're under water.  Time to cut bait, and go to new place, with great college, where they're waiting for son, and willing.  Putting funds in place is something you're already troubled with.  Might as well do it where you want to be, and there's a good college for him to attend?  Yes?

If the temporary place is run down, let it be shabby chic with the things you love in it.  You'll have yourself, your son, and the energy you've been denied.  You'll have friends and phamily, a relatively short ride to the beach, and time to search for your new digs.  You will find a place.  Your son will get into this college.  You'll find new favorite places, and games to play, and kitties to pet.   

This is going to happen.

::nodding::.

Lighter


Twoapenny

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #744 on: June 13, 2018, 03:57:47 AM »
More than ever I'm rooting for the move, Tupp. Just getting out and away from the energy sucking neighborhood, and people....SOso important, IME.

Also, there's no college for your son where you are.  IT won't work, even if you win.  You're struggling against the tide, and you're under water.  Time to cut bait, and go to new place, with great college, where they're waiting for son, and willing.  Putting funds in place is something you're already troubled with.  Might as well do it where you want to be, and there's a good college for him to attend?  Yes?

If the temporary place is run down, let it be shabby chic with the things you love in it.  You'll have yourself, your son, and the energy you've been denied.  You'll have friends and phamily, a relatively short ride to the beach, and time to search for your new digs.  You will find a place.  Your son will get into this college.  You'll find new favorite places, and games to play, and kitties to pet.   

This is going to happen.

::nodding::.

Lighter

Absolutely right, Lighter, I'm just waiting on the green light from the Letting Agent and then we're good to go.  Just signing the tenancy will mean we can transfer the application from here to down there - I can send them that as proof and they have to start the process off.  That will give us time to move at a more leisurely pace which hopefully will at least mean son isn't physically overwhelmed by it all even if he isn't happy about it.  But we saw some cute kitties playing outside when we viewed the property and our friend (who lives down there) has three tiny kittens that her cat recently gave birth to so he can get his cat fix; there are lots of nice places to see and visit and if we include his regular pilgrimages (cinema, Lego shop and penny slots at the arcade) then I think he will cheer up in no time.

I do feel excited at the prospect of living rather than getting through the day, you know?  New opportunities, new people, new start.  Son's childhood, for me, has been a living hell - not because of him or his disability but because of the lengths I've had to go to to keep him safe and look after him well with so many people working against me.  I feel like all of that is behind us now (or at least I hope it will be in a few weeks!).  I just keep seeing myself paying the guys who've loaded the van, climbing into the driver's seat and driving away without looking back :)  It is a truly nice vision :)  Thank you so much, all of you, for being there with me, I appreciate it so much :) xx

Twoapenny

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #745 on: June 13, 2018, 08:18:42 AM »
Argh, my lovely friends, the paperwork is t-r-i-g-g-e-r-i-n-g!

Reading about all his problems and difficulties is hard.  Collating all the reports and going through them for missing information, inaccurate information, out of context information, is hard.  Memories of social workers and my mum and the absolute protection afforded to my stepdad while a succession of people hung me out to dry is hard.  It's coming up in waves and I'm finding myself getting angry, not least because the more work I do, the more I can see these people have-not-followed-any-of-the-procedure-that-they-are-supposed-to and that's why I'm working my backside off, once again, doing work I don't want to do and shouldn't have to do.

I am having to just break, do something else for a while and keep focusing on my list.  I've done it up in order of priorities, on the assumption that we are moving and all will be wonderful :)  First is bullet pointing assessments.  There are sixty?seventy? pages of assessment on my son, gathered over the last three years.  That's without my notes, observations, letters to doctors and so on.  So I'm doing up a sheet that bulletpoints the main medical and/or educational issues from each report, along with the date it was carried out.  It's partly so that the next person that receives this mammoth parcel can read through the front few pages and get a good idea of what the most important information is and partly so that I can quickly skim the list whenever I need a reference or a piece of evidence and see which report it's in and on which page.  That's an essential, I think, whatever happens next.  Next step is to re-write the plan - the local authority are supposed to put a comprehensive plan in place that lists all of son's needs and explains how to meet them and who has to do it.  What they've written is dreadful; most of the information on him is missing, things aren't explained properly, they haven't listed who does what.  It needs re-writing wherever we go, so that's number two on the list.

Next is a medical info sheet for the doctor in the new location - again, just bullet points of main diagnoses, medication, what's been checked etc, just so they have it in front of them and easily to hand instead of needing to wade through hundreds of pages of medical records.  That's more or less done; I can merge together two or three other documents I've already got to make one medical synopsis sheet and again, it's useful wherever we are.  Then I want to do the same for social services; a list of all his current care needs, and I will take the opportunity at this point to write up a brief history and explanation of the previous abuse allegations.  Again, it is so the information is there, easily accessible, simple, brief, factually accurate.  It will be helpful wherever we are so again it's worth doing.

And then lastly will be dealing with the appeal if we have to stay in this area.  I'm hoping that by the time I've done the rest of it we'll know for definite we're moving and I'll be doing up a moving pack rather than a court pack.  But whichever I'm doing, all the necessary work will be done and it will be more a process of collating and fact checking than doing anything else.

I am feeling a bit crappy with it all but I've got yoga tonight which will help and hopefully some good news re the move soon.  A friend left a message this morning saying she needed to moan and that I'm her sponge as I soak up all her moaning.  No soaking going on at the moment!  Too paperworkie and too much else going on.  Thank you for listening xx

Hopalong

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #746 on: June 13, 2018, 12:11:06 PM »
(((((((((Tupp)))))))))))

I can imagine how difficult it is to re-live the paper trail.

But I am

AWED

by your organization of all of this.

You are going to be fine.

Try to soak in some sense of how competent and calm and adult you have been, just like a cat absorbing some sunshine.

Breathe, rest, and yoga sounds GOOD.

love,
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

lighter

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #747 on: June 13, 2018, 12:54:31 PM »
AAaaawww, ((Tupp)), I think our brains switch back INTO those moments of crisis we dealt with while all the old paperwork was going on.  Our brains say "WE'RE IN DANGER NOW!" instead of "We were in danger then, but that's in the past."

Yoga, and awareness will help make the shift back into the present, IME.  Stopping, going out into nature, doing something you want to do is best.... not taking that phone call to be a sponge for someone else's negativity is wise.

I'm so sorry this is ongoing.  That you have to keep going over and over the hurtful, harmful things people have done to you, and your son.  And it was done to your son,  no matter it was aimed at you, that he was used to get at you.  IT WAS YOUR SON they took the shot at, and that's reason primordial fear... for your child.  You'll likely feel it for a long long time, but with less intensity as time passes.

When it pops up, remember it's your brain reacting to old trauma. It's not NOW, it was then.  Just sit with it, put your hands on the spot in your chest or stomach, and give it attention.  That fear.  That feeling of being under siege again.  Of being in crisis. 

This isn't crisis. 

This is details, and paperwork BS, and it's manageable. 

It's not a direct attack again, it's just stupid people doing incompetent things in jobs that effect your life. 

In the here and now, you've already overcome your trouble, and won your struggles.  You've done it.  It's over.

THIS next chapter is hammering out the new path, which isn't a direct threat.  The threat passed.  It's over. 

THIS is about making sense of the documentation, for everyone, and getting on with your life, post PDs.

This is the next chapter, Tupp.  I wish your brain understood that, but it's going to take time, and persistence with the yoga, and mindfulness.  Maybe try tapping before and during the paperwork.... see if it helps.

You are an Amazon giant, Tupp.  Truly, you are.

Lighter




sKePTiKal

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #748 on: June 13, 2018, 03:15:56 PM »
Ugh... I don't think anyone could plow through it all from beginning to end, without frequent breaks and bribes for the "inner children" who would understandably be throwing tantrums - or bringing up the past - faced with this work yet again. Have you tried setting a time limit for how long you work at it each day? I think you could accomplish alot in a couple of hours; and wouldn't try to concentrate on it for more than 3.

I have to do the same with outdoor work. Just keep plugging away a few hours at a time - because I have other things that need doing, and it's too much area to get done all in one day.

Sounds like you have an excellent plan - so don't flog yourself trying to eat that elephant all at one time.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

lighter

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Re: Relinquishing Control - Please will you help me? :)
« Reply #749 on: June 13, 2018, 03:28:05 PM »
Tupp:

Here are some inspirational quotes during this trying time:

"You're gonna be happy." said life,
"but first I'll make you strong."


The Devil whispered in my ear "You're not strong enough to stand this storm."  I looked the Devil in the eye and said,
"I am the storm."

"Once you figure out what respect tastes like,
it tastes better than attention."
Pink





Some women are lost in the fire.

Some women are built from it.





There's fire in her.

If loved correctly, she will warm your entire home.

If abused, she will burn it down.



She wore her scars
as her best attire.
A stunning dress
made of hellfire.

Daniel Saint



If my strength
intimidates
 you, I hope
you realize,
that's a
weakness of
yours.



You can tell
who the strong
women are.  They
are the ones you see
building one another up
instead of tearing
each other down.



I know what I
bring to the table...

So trust me
when I say
I'm not afraid
 to eat alone.



"I am a woman
with thoughts, and questions,
and shit to say.
I say if I'm beautiful. '
I say if I'm strong.
You will not determine
my story - I will."
Amy Shumer



Be the kind of
WOMAN
that when your feet
hit the floor
the devil says
"Oh crap,
she's up!"




"Strong women don't
play the victim
don't make themselves
look pitiful
and don't point fingers.
They stand
and they deal."
Mandy Hale



"Each time a woman
stands up for herself,
she stands up
for all women."
Maya Angelou



"At age 70 years old
if I could give my
younger self one
piece of advice, it
would be to use the
words 'fuck off'
much more
frequently."
Helen Mirren



She was powerful
not because she
wasn't scared
but because
she went on so
strongly, despite
the fear.
ATTICUS



Strong women are
often misperceived
as cold and mean
simply because they
refuse to be disrespected,
mistreated, or taken for granted.



The strongest actions for a
woman is to love herself, be
herself, and shine amongst
those who never believed
she could.



"A strong woman builds her own world.
She is one who is wise enough to know
that it will attract the man she will
gladly share it with."



Strong women need not declare they can carry
all the burdens in life.  They just quietly do it,
and survive with a smile.



"Be strong enough to stand alone, smart enough
to ask for help when you need help, and brave
enough to ask for it."
Ziad K. Abdelnour



"I have learned over the years that when one's mind
is made up, this diminishes fear;  knowing what must
be done, does away with fear."
Rosa Parks