My story (kind of long)

[nolongeraslave]

Hello all,

I moved from the nevergoodenough.com and would like to just write things out. I sometimes get worried over how I'm going to explain everything I went through. I still get flashbacks and am reactive to "little triggers." I'm hypersensitive to things that people say (such as "Moms would never abuse their kdis" or "13 is old enough to know what sexual abuse is).   I'm in a great environment now, but it's only been 10 months. 10 months of being away from NM and perverted step-dad is nothing compared to 25 years of what I went through.  The memories are still in my head.

 I feel like my mind has been fucked with all of my life. I don't even know where to start.

My mom is an engulfing narcissist that manipulates people into thinking that she's the "sweetest person" ever.  She was viciously mean one minute, and then nice the next.  As a kid, I didn't understand all of this.  I went through stages of denial and confusion, where I would think "She's a great mom. Maybe I did something to make her mad."  After all, my mom and her friends constantly brainwashed me by saying "Your mom is so wonderful! How dare you put her through so much pain."

 My mom's abuse ranged from :

Horrible put-downs (I'm the worst daughter in the world, no man would want me, I'm stupid, I can't function on my own, etc)...And she wonders why I had such low self-esteem!

Excessive control-She would disguise it "just watching out for me" when it was really a sick form of treating me like a puppet.   She would "passively" sabotage my social life and my ability to make healthy friendships.   I wasn't allowed to have more fun than her.  

Encouraging me to worship abusive men-She wanted me to continue to date a rich doctor that was pressuring me to get naked against my will, and she wants me to adore my pedophi lic step-dad.  After all, my step-dad gives her glamor and money. That's much more important than my pain.
 
Being responsible for provoking my body dysmorphic disorder-my appearance was nit-picked at constantly and I was brainwashed into thinking that my appearance dictated my self-worth. I constantly felt ugly and not good enough.   Gee mom, now do you know why I used to obsess over how I look?  Ever since I moved away from her, I don't care anymore. I learned that you don't have to look perfect or beautiful for everyone. Nobody cares.

Using intimidation-She just had this look and just the way how she was. If I dared do anything that went against her, I felt like she would kill me.  I was scared for so many years to move out, b/c she was good at finding a way to stop it.  I was in therapy for a year to help build my self-confidence to stand up against my mom.

Playing victim-She often used her "bad life" to make me feel sorry for her, which made it easier for me to do what she wanted me to do.  

Unable to empathize-It was always about her feelings. I had to feel exactly like her. I had to have compassion for her, but my pain was ignored and dismissed. It was okay for her to cry, but I was a wimp for crying about anything that I went through. It was okay to cry had to do with HER.


Here comes our favorite:  MY MOM WILL DENY EVERYTHING THAT I JUST WROTE. If you videotaped my mom engaging in her abusive behaviors, she would say it's not her and make up some excuse. It took me YEARS to realize that she was bullshitting and I wasn't just imagining things.

You get the hint...I could go on forever.


I've been through seven therapists, and only TWO of them were good. The five therapists before that didn't help me realize that I was being abused.  It seemed like some of my therapists were fooled by how sweet my mom and step-dad were.  I had to learn about sexual/verbal/emotional abuse all on my own.  My old therapist was the one who pointed out my mom was a selifsh narcissist that pimped me out to my step-dad. My current therapist is helping me learn how to adjust to my new life and recover from my abusive past.



Then, there's my step-dad.  He sexually abused me, but I didn't understand what he was doing. It's not like anyone told me what sexual abuse was. I didn't even know the definition of "rape" when I was in 6th grade.  My mom programmed me into thinking that our step-dad saved our lives and that we would be nothing without him. We were made to feel like ungrateful bitches, if we dared said anything negative about him.  So, I just tucked away my step-dad's inappropriate and confusing behavior in the back of my head.

 I "acted out" when growing up, had distorted views on sexuality, and not understanding why I was such an excessively sexual, angry and emotional person. I just thought "That's the kind of person I must be?"   It was sad how nobody told me, "Hey, people who act like you are often sexually abused and are crying for help."  I was just treated like a bad kid for doing the things I did. Ex boyfriends put me down for being a filthy slut that nobody likes.   At 23, I started to read about sexual abuse on the internet, and everything made sense.  When I went celibate and tried to work on myself and my perceptions about men/sex, the same ex boyfriends that called me a slut got mad at why I was refusing to be their "fuck buddy".     They wouldn't take no for an answer, kept calling me, and trying to make me feel stupid for being celibate.  Wow, I'm a desperate hooker that nobody wants for having sex, and then I'm stupid and selfish for not having sex. Make up your mind.    I've struggled with men expecting me to "owe" them sex for being nice to me (my step-dad was like this), but I've worked through it.  Reading about sexual abuse back in 2006 truly saved my life.



This may sound odd to people, but I majored in clinical psychology and am a newly minted therapist that's working towards licensure.   I have been told by clients that I was the only one who understood their sexual abuse, eating disorders or OCD, and that makes me feel good.  I sometimes feel that maybe I'm too messed up to be in this field, but I get great feedback from my bosses and my clients.  My current therapist is also a rape survivor and had an eating disorder, so that makes me feel better.   I suppose that's all what matters, and I shouldn't listen to the judgmental people that say "That's screwed up that you're helping other people with the same problems you have. You should fix yourself first."

  When I hear ignorant comments from other therapists, I also sometimes feel alone.  I  wonder "Am I crazy for being the only one thinking how I do? " I had a colleague hat once said that middle-school kids understood sexual abuse.  Since I didn't understand sexual abuse at 13, I started to feel as if something was wrong with me.  I'm in the process of developing my "inner mother," instead of listening to people that make me doubt myself.  I know deep down inside that my co-worker is wrong and I'm right.


Aside from all of that babble, my NM still calls once a week and tries to project her feelings on me..She's making me feel like I can't survive on my own, which is bullshit.  She tries to get me antsy about the things she gets worried about (like money).  It's annoying, but seeing my therapist twice a month does wonders.

[nolongeraslave]

Like In Bones MS's thread, this might be a good place just to write down memories for future reference.

More memories are coming of my step-dad as well...

When I was 13, he gave me a condom. He knew I wanteed to have sex with someone else, and he was basically saying it was "OKAY."  On the outside, my step-dad would PRETEND to be infuriated about my behavior and say "I don't know why she's acting so sexual at school."  At 13, I truly felt that it was all my fault, b/c my parents would act clueless in front of therapists and school faculty.

Now, I remember that he was utterly responsible for distorting my views on sex.  What makes it worse is that he pretends to be this pure and moral person, and he looks down on others as being "slutty and having no morals."   I wrote in my diary in 6th grade how I had funny feelings about my step-dad. My instincts told me something was fishy, but I wasn't mature enough to put my finger on it.  My step-dad would read my diary behind my back and tell me "Look, if I want sex..I can get it from any woman in my office. I'm not trying to have sex with you!"  A month later, there he was slipping his hands down my pants and asking me to give him a blowjob.  In his head, he doesn't view this as "sexual abuse." He told me that "Rape is only when you're violently forced. You and I are helping each other. This is different. You need to learn sex from me, so your husband won't run away from you."   Like kids do, I went along with what he said. After all, my mom said my step-dad knows everything and that we should listen to him.

Since I went along with my step-dad, my mom and ex use this against me and say "You should have stopped it." If I tell them, "The law says 13 year olds aren't capable of giving consent," they say "Who cares about your law and psychology bullshit.... You should have known better."

Growing up was hard, b/c I would hear other people from my ethnicity saying how moral our culture is. This contributed to me feeling as if there was something wrong with me. People did look at me as if I was a disease and a disgrace to Indian females for being so sexual.  One of my mom's friends even asked me, "Are you trying to copy white girls?"  NO, IT WAS MY FUCKING STEP-DAD WHO TRAINED ME TO BE LIKE THAT! If Indians are so moral, why did my step-dad do that to me?   I also remember my mom's friend saying "I understand why you hit her. She shouldn't be dressing so sexual."  WTF?   Out of rage, my mom slapped me a few times in the 8th grade when I was acting out, and told me how I was making her life hell. I even told my principal this, and the principal said "That's what you get for breaking the rules in your house." He didn't do anything about it. Where I work, you get a 51-A filed on you for doing that.

Reading all of this and writing it sounds FUCKED UP. That's right. FUCKED UP.  I was brainwashed into thinking that it's not a big deal, but how can you do that to a 12-13 year old? Buy them a condom, and show them hustler magazine?  My step-dad truly is sick and screw you mom for getting mad at me for saying this.    My mom and ex "claim" that he's changed. BS.

Everytime "Maybe my step-dad isn't so bad" comes in my head, I'm going to read this.  That "thought" is my mom's voice! NOT MINE!

Ever since I was 7, I always knew something was fishy about my step-dad. Too bad nobody was there to validate me until I was  24 years old.

[nolongeraslave]

I talked to my step-dad about some financial matters, and found out that NM (narcissistic mom) is a BIG f*cking liar.

NM always guilts me about money and claims how the family is always struggling. Step-dad revealed to me that this isn't true, and how he's more than happy to help us out without expecting anything "back".  He told me that I didn't have to struggle by doing everything myself.


It finally makes sense. NM just wants to use step-dad's money for herself, so she pretends to guilt us (so we can feel sorry for her and not ask for help ). I always knew it, but she would try to fool me.  It was an evil manipulative ploy.

I think NM knew that I was scared to talk  to my step-dad, so she preyed on this for her own advantage.  She knew she could lie and twist things to me, b/c I wouldn't confront my step-dad anyway. Now, I have the strength to talk to my step-dad, and I'm glad I found out the truth!

It turns out that NM hides a lot of things from me. She NEVER told me how my step-dad is even paying for my sister-in-law's cell phone (how come NM doesn't guilt and whine to her?).

Next time, NM complains about money to me. I'm going to my step-dad. I just realized how my NM would "dump" her marital problems on me, which is weird.

[nolongeraslave]

I'm NOT defending my step-dad for what he's done, but right now...He's being easier and more helpful than NM is.

He understands how his money is restitution towards what he did.  NM doesn't understand, and will continue to use guilt, manipulation, lies and god knows what else.  Her need will ALWAYS come first. If she's not getting anything out of it, she doesn't want to do it.


Since NM is dependent on my step-dad, she has to do what he says anyway. I'm sure he talked to her and told her not to guilt me about money. 

They have a fucked up relationship, but I don't want to be a part of it. My NM has tried to drag me into it and would complain about how my step-dad treats her like shit to get me to feel sorry for her.


What's weird is that she ONLY complains about her life to me.  But to others, she acts as if everything is great.



I finally realize that all of this is just tricks....tricks to get me to be dependent on her.

[nolongeraslave]

I'm seeing NM in a few weeks, due to brother's wedding. I have no issues with brother and future sister-in-law. If anything, my brother was much more supportive of me being molested than my mom was. He helped me move far away from her.

But, my body is acting very strange...I'm getting nightmares, feeling very nervous, getting hypersensitive, getting constipated, tripping over things, feeling too fatigued......the list goes on! I know I'm very nervous about seeing her, even though I'm trying to calm myself down..but it's like my body is still reacting.   I feel like my happy and energetic persona is now regressing to the "old me".  You just never know what N's will do to you.  Sure, there's a chance she may put on her "nicey nice" act, but who knows. 

Relatives will be at her house, so I'm hoping that she will behave herself. She can't act mean in front of others (god forbid anyone see her as a "bad mother"). 

Knowing her, she will gnaw her claws in me when you least expect it.  I'm going b/c it's my brother's wedding..can't say no and going into a hotel isn't an option. I'm staying with my parents in my old room, but I will be spending time with friends to be out as much as possible.


I'm sorry to say this, but I'm not scared of seeing my step-dad and I'm not getting any flashbacks of him.It's my mom. Maybe being "okay" with the step-dad now is just a survival skill, b/c NM is currently the one that's more difficult.

[nolongeraslave]

These are just my own thoughts. I want to write about how NM has ruined my dating life, gives horrible advice, and how I need to REMIND myself to not give into it!

You know how NM's are when you don't give in. It's like they have a leash on your mind. My gut would tell me that Nm is wrong, but I would still follow her advice to get her to quit nagging me and feeding self-doubt.

Ugh, you know what..I really don't feel like listing all of the strange things she's done.

[nolongeraslave]

I think I want to use this as a sort of a journal regarding PTSD reactions and FOO.

I weaned off of Prozac (for my BDD/OCD), and my flashbacks are getting worse. I'm getting flashbacks regarding NM, bullying, old work places, and just things in general. 

Someone just told me it's normal for Indian moms to be so obsessive about their daughters getting married, and wanting to get involved in their dating lives ASAP. That made me feel better, because I felt tortured by NM's phone call last night. Just the sound of her voice produces a gut reaction. She may sound calm, but feelings of anger quickly arouse in me.  She keeps making comments about my weight, but I'm learning how to not let that affect me.

It took 2 hours to calm myself down last night.  I don't know if that's normal or not. I felt impulsive and felt like going back to an "old coping skill."(something that has been destructive).  Luckily, I didn't give in. 

Trying to NOT let NM's actions control how you feel is tough.

[nolongeraslave]

I'm just posting this to remind myself. It's from Sam Vanikin's site, but it makes a lot of sense.

Story of my life.

"Q. How do narcissistic mothers interfere (or get involved) with their daughters’ love/dating lives? How does this compare to typical mothers?

A. The narcissistic mother is a control freak and does not easily relinquish good and reliable sources of "narcissistic supply" (admiration, adulation, attention of any kind). It is the role of her children to replenish this supply, the children owe it to her. To make sure that the child does not develop boundaries, and does not become independent, or autonomous, the narcissistic parent micromanages the child's life and encourages dependent and infantile behaviors in her offspring.

Such a parent bribes the child (by offering free lodging or financial support or "help" with daily tasks) or emotionally blackmails the child (by constantly demanding help and imposing chores, claiming to be ill or disabled) or even threatens the child (for instance: to disinherit her if she does not comply with the parent's wishes). The narcissistic mother also does her best to scare away anyone who may upset this symbiotic relationship or otherwise threaten the delicate, unspoken contract. She sabotages any budding relationship her child develops with lies, deceit, and scorn."

[nolongeraslave]

Q. What are some common ways that a mother's narcissism can affect her daughter's relationships?

A. Depends on how narcissistic the mother is. Narcissistic parents fail to recognize and accept the personal autonomy and boundaries of their offspring. They treat them as instruments of gratification or extensions of themselves. Their love is conditioned on the "performance" of their children and on how well they cater to the needs, wishes, and priorities of the parent.

Consequently, narcissistic parents oscillate between clingy emotional blackmail when they seek the child's attention, adulation, and compliance (known as "narcissistic supply") and steely devaluation and silent treatment when they wish to punish the child for refusing to toe the line.

Such inconstancy and unpredictability render the child insecure and codependent. When in relationships as adults, these children feel that they have to "earn" each and every morsel of love; that they will be instantly and facilely abandoned if they "underperform"; that their primary role is to "take care" of their spouse, mate, partner, or friend; and that they are less important, less endowed, less skilled, and less deserving than their significant others.